"A Type of Woman": Is the Other Woman Ever Worth Our Time?

What you are, Vivian, is a type of person. To be more specific, you are a type of woman. A tediously common type of a woman. Do you think I've not encountered your type before? Your sort will always be slinking around, playing your boring and vulgar little games, causing your boring and vulgar little problems. You are the type of woman who cannot be a friend to another woman, Vivian, because you will always be playing with toys that are not your own. A woman of your type often believes she is a person of significance because she can make trouble and spoil things for others. But she is neither important nor interesting.

~Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls

A whole lot of us ache for an interaction like the one above, in which we eviscerate the Other Woman, who is rendered speechless and humiliated. While I've heard of the occasional metaphorical murder, for the most part, few of us have either the opportunity or the verbal swordplay to dispense so beautifully with our sworn enemy. If any such evisceration occurs by us it is usually in the shower, when we're alone and entirely in our imagination.

 But maybe that's not such a bad thing. As satisfying as the above exchange seems, what would it have accomplished? To make clear that the Other Woman is of little consequence? I suspect many of them know that, on some level. To triumph over them? To demonstrate our moral superiority? Again, anyone with an iota of integrity already knows that they compromised theirs and the rest are devoid of a conscience. It won't matter a whit to them what we say. What it will do is put us in proximity to someone who has zero compunction about participating in our deception and our hurt. And the smartest thing we can do is keep those who want to actively harm us far from us and our family. 

It's tempting, I know. We think they'll have the answers we lack. We wonder if they'll apologize and, if so, if that will ease the ache in our hearts, even slightly. 

But I think it's a mistake. Not always but 97% of the time. Maybe 99%.

Cause let's look at what we know: This person knew we existed and chose to ignore that reality because it got in the way of what they wanted. This person knew we existed and couldn't empathize with the pain of being cheated on. This person knew we existed and said, simply, I don't care. (I make exception for those unwitting Other Women who genuinely didn't know we existed and if/when she found out, she broke it immediately.) 

Here's what else we know: This person is capable of delusion. Affairs are about fantasy. They are about believing that this person, who is already cheating on someone they promised not to cheat on, is honest and reliable. That the only thing standing in the way of happiness and lifelong commitment is this inconvenient wife who just won't get out of the way of true love. That this "good guy" just doesn't want to hurt his children. Just wants to wait until things settle down, until the kids are a bit older, until the wife's cancer treatments are over, until...until...until... I can almost feel sorry for them until I remember that they deserve scorn more than pity. 

And we know that, statistically, relationships that are started via infidelity have a sky-high 95% failure rate. Shocking, I know. [Insert eye-roll here.]

Of course, all this talk of the moral failings of Other Women remind us that these affairs had two people in them, and one of those people is our spouse. What of him?

Well, it underscores the need to demand total accountability, a true reckoning. It's not enough to mutter and "I'm sorry" then move on. There must be a deep excavation of how the affair happened, why it happened and how an unfaithful spouse can ensure he doesn't repeat the mistake. 

As for the Other Woman, that "type of woman"? Best to forget about her. "She is neither important nor interesting."