How do I reconcile the past I thought I had with what was going on behind my back? How do I look back at wedding photos/family pictures/celebrations without that happiness-busting sense of "well...we might look happy". The point, of course, being that my reality wasn't...real. Or was it?
It's a sort of philosophical issue. If a tree falls in the forest but you don't know that tree is falling (or more to the point, that your husband is the one chopping it down), does it change the past? Or is your past still your past – memories intact – and it's only your future that's altered?
I'm no philosopher (clearly, given my convoluted example!). But I struggle with my sense of history now. My sense of self is shaky. Am I still the same person I was, even though my life was not what I thought it was?
Am I still the same person even though others' view of me was perhaps colored by information they had...but I didn't?
I want to believe the answer is yes. I am still I. And though my future is certainly altered by the knowledge of my husband's cheating, it doesn't change the mother I was, the wife I was, the daughter/friend/sister/writer I was. I need to stand firmly in my own self. And recognize that another's actions, while they affect me, needn't change me.
Yip, having to rewrite history all the time is a real kicker! I battled with that all the time during my long sojourn through the soap opera of my life! Eventually you ask ..is this real?
ReplyDeleteI feel I could have written every word you wrote.
ReplyDeleteI can not look at photo's of us together before finding out about all of his infidelity. I've taken our photos out of all the frames around the house and packed them away. The family albums remain on the shelves unopened for the last year.
I do not take any more photo's of us together and if I do take one of my husband it gets deleted. Only the ones were I feel I should keep them for my children's sakes stay on the camera- never printed, just to remain in the hard drive.
It's something to do with his face. It's a liars face smiling back at me.
It was a very cruel lie and the life I had stripped from me is an adjustment I find I can not come to terms with.
Even a year on I find out my husband has been lying to me still. So much for working it out. We have separated again (so tired of this) and he is seeking more help from a psychologist for his lying. He says he will do anything to save us. I'm sceptical.
Marti,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're still dealing with this.
I hope, while he's getting help, you're focussing on yourself and your kids and creating a life that will be full whether he's in it as your husband or not. You don't want to spend your life waiting for someone who may simply never be the man you deserve.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
I was lucky(?) in that the cheating happened, he felt so bad he had really pulled away and then the OW knew she was pregnant within 10 days (?!) of the incident and he didn't feel he could hide it. I was happy a week before this all went down and DEVASATED about a week afterward. I don't LIKE the emotional affair part of them "being friends" for a few months but I do believe it started out as him "helping her" with her "abusive husband" issues and went obviously out of control from there. If it had been a longer affair or if they'd had sex on more than one occasion I'm sure I would have just murdered him (oops. My foot slipped and I THOUGHT I was pressing the brakes!) But (probably in the unhealthiest way possible) I've been able to split the good from before into good. The bad from before into "we need to figure out how WE got to this point if we want to go forward" and this AWFUL limbo Hell devastation into awful limbo Hell devastation that needed to happen to wake us both up. It won't be easy but hopefully it will work out eventually.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found us and yes, everything you describe sounds pretty familiar. So many affairs begin with a woman who needs help The "white knight" narrative is alive and well.
DeleteBut it sounds as if you're full of resolve (and humour). I hope you'll continue to share your story on this site.
I can't seem to get off the roller coaster. One day i am staying and the next I want to leave and move on. I feel he has not lost anything. He still has his life and family. Carries on every day. I haven't told my children who are both adults but now wonder if they find out what will they think of me for staying? His affair was for two years. I found out through an email. When i confronted him he said it was one night then a couple nights then it had been two years. Plus he was sexting two other woman who I have no idea if he was sleeping with them too. It has been eight months and I am stuck...and I just believe I have to move on. My fear is he will go back to her once given the chance but why do I really care?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteThe roller coaster is a pretty common experience for the first year or so. But there are a couple of things I want you to think about. First off, what is he doing to support you through this and what is he doing to try to understand why he violated his promise to you? Secondly, it's not uncommon to want the cheater to be punished in some way -- to have to pay some sort of the price for what they've put us through. And, to be honest, those who truly acknowledge what they've done and take steps to make amends are clearly paying a price because they're usually so disgusted with themselves. Those who want to just blithely move forward and "get past it" look like they're not paying a price at all...and sometimes they're not really. They aren't having to own the pain they've caused, they aren't really holding themselves accountable for their choice.
Third, though our culture tends to look at betrayed wives who stay in their marriages as doormats, we can't make decisions about our lives based on what others might think of those choices. We're the ones who have to live with the consequences so we need to be good with our choices. What others think truly doesn't matter. But it takes time to get to that point of view.
And finally, staying in a marriage to ensure he doesn't go back to his OW is a really crappy reason to stay married. If he has learned nothing from all this, then let her have him. He's damaged goods. But if he's willing to take a hard look at this mistake, and do whatever he can to make amends, then he might be worth giving a second chance IF YOU WANT TO. Ultimately it's your choice. There is no right or wrong way to respond. There's just what feels right for you and it can take a long time to figure out what that path is.
He has and is making a lot of effort to try and make things right. I on the other hand feel so disgusted with just knowing all or most of the affair. I don't for a moment want him or anyone false to ever think that I just accepted being treated that way. What if my children were in an affair and asked what I would do? I believe he does not deserve me let alone another chance. Why should he be given another chance to make it right now?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, You don't owe him anything. You get to choose whether you rebuild a "second marriage" with him or not. But try not to let this notion of our culture's response to cheating (which isn't a healthy one) get in the way. If you choose to give him a second chance, you're doing it because he's showing you that he's willing to do whatever it takes and because you think you have something worth working for. If not, you can walk and it's nobody's business why.
DeleteThe longer I stay in this relationship the more I want to get out just not sure how to live the next 25 or 30 years. I have my grown children now but not sure they will feel the same if I leave. I have so many things I have always wanted to pursue...maybe this is the time for a change.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteIt sounds as if you're falling into the "devil you know is better than the devil you don't" thinking. Try not to let fear rule you. None of us knows what the future holds. So it's impossible to make choices based on it. What you can do is make the best choice for yourself based on what you know right now. And if you want out, then that's a perfectly reasonable choice based on what he's done. The next 25 or 30 years will unfold and you can continue to make choices based on what's right for you. That's how we live a fulfilling and emotionally rich life.
What do wives do for their cheating husbands birthday and first Christmas after dinner day?
ReplyDeleteA birthday cake made of dog feces perhaps? A punch in the face? Kidding, of course. You get to do whatever feels right for you. Don't be purposely hurtful because that's not productive. And maybe talk it over with him. See if you can come up with a plan that feels okay for each of you. This is one of those early tests of a "new" marriage with the same person. You each need to learn to own your feelings and share them and trust that the other person will try and empathize.
DeleteI wish I could sit across the table from you over coffee to discuss everything..lol He says I am pushing him away and resisting which I believe is true but I dont know what he expects from me. Again I dont feel HE has lost anything. The fact he had an affair for two years and he said he was never going to tell me is very disturbing to me. He does not want to talk about it all. He makes all these future plans for us but I struggle with whether that is what I want with him. I can't seem to get past the unknown..the why. He still claims he felt a disconnect...I felt it too but only the last few months not two years. I want to know how many women there were but he seems to be unable to remember any of that. I struggled to buy a birthday card and even to sign it...I don't feel the same love as before and that is why I am continuing to question myself. Sure he is trying but why not before when I asked..too many questions and I don't know why it is so difficult for me to just move on alone. I know I am not perfect but to have an affair to me is a deal breaker.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling like the only reason he is here is because it is easiest. If we divorce we have a business property lots of assets that would need to be dealt with. He has always commented to other guys "Happy wife happy life" and "cheaper to keep her" just to name a few. I now seem to be able to remember all of his negative comments over 34 years of marriage. He is not employed right now so we spend a lot of time together but I worry once he returns to work. I don't want to be left wondering all day who he is with or talking too. If I reach that point that is not a life I want to continue with.
ReplyDeleteAny feedback would be great on the above
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteIt sounds as if he simply wants to sweep this under the rug and it sounds as if you're not okay with that. Which is good. Neither would I be okay with that.
He cheated on you. He's asking for a second chance. And then he's trying to set the rules for this "new" marriage he's asking you to give him.
Does that sound fair to you? Do you think HE should be the one determining what happens going forward?
I think, if he's genuinely sorry for what he did, if he really wants to figure out how to make amends, if he really wants to rebuild a marriage with you then he should be doing everything he can to support you in your healing. And YOU get to decide what that looks like. You want total access to all channels of communication?? Great. Then he gives you passwords, etc. so you can ensure, as best you can, that he doesn't have contact. You want to talk about what he did? Then he needs to sit his ass down and talk to you. He needs to do the hard work of figuring out why he made the choices he did, why he kept going, why he thinks it's okay as long as you didn't know about it...he needs to re-locate his moral compass (assuming he ever had one) and re-set it back to decency and integrity.
If he can't or won't do any of that, then he's telling you that this "second chance" isn't that important to him. He's telling you that there's more heartache in your future if you don't show him the door.
Anonymous, you get to decide what the rest of your life looks like. You can't control him but you can control you. What do YOU want? And is he willing to support you in that? If not, you have your answer.
Thank you for responding. I am in such turmoil. I don't want any more conflict. I don't want to be wondering if this is the biggest mistake of my life by leaving. I am almost 60 and how does my life going forward look like. Will I be able to support myself financially if need be? I have all his passwords and do keep checking but I checked before and missed everything. They learn to be sneaky over time. I guess I have lost all trust that I used to have. He tells me it is my choice whether to stay or leave. He is trying to change I see that but I think it is too late for me. I used to want nothing more than a future and retirement with him why wouldnt I? It is something we always planned on doing...together. Now I just don't know if that is what I want. Why is it so difficult for me to walk away?
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to walk away because you've built a life (which included a future) with this person. It's very hard to walk away from something that felt certain. But just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's wrong. Walking away might be exactly the right choice for you. Why don't you start by meeting with a lawyer just to get a sense of what your financial life would be like without him. Get clear on what you're entitled to, what you will walk away with, etc. You don't have to proceed with a separation or divorce until or if you're ready...but at least you'd be making a choice armed with actual facts rather than speculation about your future.
DeleteI'm assuming you're the Anonymous below too? With due respect to your mediator, nobody ever "forgets it ever happened". And I don't think it's an even remotely healthy thing to encourage. If we don't learn from these things, then we're destined to make the same mistakes. Rather, I would encourage you to insist that he seek help for himself. If he refuses, that tells you a lot about what he's willing to do for you. A lot of these guys expect their betrayed wives to do all the heavy lifting while they just blithely pretend they never caused such pain. Nope. Doesn't work.
He always says that I never consider his feelings but when I ask how he feels he won't talk. I think he may need counselling more than I do. Counselling is not something we have invested in. We initially saw a mediator who told me to forget about it..do a 180..turn everything around so it's not about him anymore. She said to stop making him the center of attention. Take some time and just forget it ever happened. I struggle with all of these things to try. Not sure where to go from here.
ReplyDeletePerhaps once the holidays are over I can get myself on track and make the decisions I need to make for me. Once again thank you for your advices.
ReplyDeleteAm I being so focused on staying because it's safe? I realize now my grown children are much stronger than I am and they will move on I am sure. Their relationship with their dad may change but that is not my doing. Now I sit and wonder if they find out later..would they ask WHY did you stay with him? Everyday I feel so much anxiety and am loosing the desire to make it work. I want to leave but just not sure if that is best. God how I wish this was all a bad dream and not my revolving daily door. I am so resentful and bitter about everything we try to do together. I am most happy when my kids are near and not so happy when we are left alone. The silence is unbearable but I no longer can find any words to share with him. How I wish I could get past all the visions the lies and the length of time it went on. My anxiety has reached a whole new level and to me the only light at the end of this tunnel is me leaving.
ReplyDeleteI just found out about another woman whom he said nothing had happened...so again he lied. I just want him to tell me the truth and how many there were I believe I need this or can't move on with him. If he can't come clean how will I ever know what the truths are?
ReplyDeleteThoughts Elle?
ReplyDelete