The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear
anything new.
~Pema Chodron
But what's striking about each essay is that each writer has ultimately settled on a story about what happened. And she's had the choice to cast herself as either victim or victor, which of course would affect the trajectory of her life.
In all cases, these women were cheated on. And how they responded to that – whether by staying, by leaving, or by clinging until there was not other way than to leave or be left – has made them who they are. And who they are is strong, wise, compassionate, honest.
These women aren't "broken". Their hearts have healed. They've gone on to love other men or they've learned to love their broken man better. And what's more, many of them are, if not grateful for what happened, at least not bitter. They haven't lived lives of regret.
And this is good news for all of us, I think, but especially for those of us who are just finding out about a partner's betrayal. Those few days and weeks and months are excruciating and it's hard if not impossible to believe that the day will come when you'll look back at this as an incredibly difficult part of your life. But not your whole life.
And your ability to see it as a part depends on the story you tell yourself – the story you ultimately settle on. Your story.
And in your story you can either see yourself as a victim who was powerless over her partner's impact. Or as a victor – someone who faced unimaginable pain with as much grace, strength and self-respect as she could muster. Someone who, though maybe not immediately, would overcome this challenge and continue to live a full life – with joy as well as pain.
None of us are exempt from pain in our lives. And though a partner's betrayal is up there with the worst of it, we are up to the task of overcoming it.
Just ask the women who wrote their stories and are able to look back through time and recognize their own triumph.
And isn't there an amazing power in telling our stories? I've been thinking a lot about Maya Angelou's quote "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
ReplyDeleteThis project your working on will be amazing! Can't wait to see it
Yes, I think there is power in stories. I'm a writer...and it has been really hard to NOT write about my experience, except under a pseudonym. My husband doesn't understand how I'm, literally, compelled to write. I can't NOT write.
DeleteMy essay in the collection is, instead of being about my experience when married, about how my parent's experience (my father had what would now be called an "emotional affair". Back then they just called it "nothing happened") changed how I saw men and the world. Both as things not to be trusted. Took me a long time to feel safe in the world and to trust a man...and we know how THAT turned out.
Now I'm learning to trust myself...which is what I should have been doing all along. As Goethe wrote, "Just trust yourself and then you will know how to live."
Elle
So beautifully written my dear! I love it .... Yes, we are VICTORS! And it is amazing how we learn so much from our experiences .... especially the challenging ones! It is so important to open our eyes and use these crappy times to grow personally and learn to LOVE and TRUST ourselves!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say I am happy for the crap that I have had to deal with ... definitely not .... but it did help to create the empowered ME that I am now. And I must say ... I really like it!
And ... I love how all of our writing, blogging, stories, venting, whatever ... has helped many other women who are going through this too! It is awesome ... keep up the amazing work and keep inspiring others! THANK YOU!!!!
Thank-you for being part of this. We women might betray each other (in some cases!) but there are many MORE women who pick each other up, dust each other off and help mend each other's hearts.
DeleteElle
I see myself as a victor. I don't ever want to be seen as a victim. Not ever. I know I can overcome this hurdle in my live and be a better woman because of it.
ReplyDeleteWriting for me has been my best form of therapy I think. And it's been a form of healing for me. It's powerful.
We didn't choose for betrayal to be a part of our lives, but we do get to choose how we emerge from the pain. We may not get to choose if we stay in the marriage, but we do get to choose how our life will look after. Attitude is everything. Pick a good one.
ReplyDeleteWriting my blog saved me. I haven't written more than an email in years. Never even had a diary. Typing feels like therapy. Writing my story is cathartic in so many ways but, I think the best part is hoping I can be there for someone else, like you have for so long. Shine a little light on the darkness that is DDay. The unbelievable news that your marriage can survive and thrive after infidelity can be inspirational. It sure slapped me upside the head with a much needed attitude adjustment!
Wish I had been more tech savvy during my first year out. If I had found your blog back then, I think my road to happy could have had MANY less scary detours!!
Here's to healing hearts!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
Yeah, I think writing saved my life too. Funny this is, my husband used to try to convince me how "bad" this blog was for me. That it kept me "stuck in the past." I think what it did was stress HIM out that his transgressions were out there for all the world to read. He just couldn't wrap his mind around how valuable it is to examine the stories we tell ourselves...and ensure that we're being honest with ourselves and with others. And then understand that we can create our own version of "happily ever after."
DeleteI don't think he understands it yet, but is willing to accept the evidence that, clearly, I'm a whole lot happier than I was.
Elle
Wow. This was just what I needed today. To be reminded that I am not the only one that has had my heart seemingly broken, then decided I was going to put the pieces back together again. That I am more than a betrayed wife. That I am strong, loving, and amazingly, a stronger and more fully evolved human being than I was before I was dealt this blow.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Shawn, attitude IS everything and I love your advice to "pick a good one". It is just a little over a year since my d-day, and I still have a bad day now and then, but they are more and more becoming bad moments. And I can decide in that moment which way I want my thoughts to go, down that dark path, or forward in the knowledge that my husband loves me and chose me and our marriage over an ugly and secretive life of stress and lies. The love and happiness that radiates from him towards me now is what helps sustain me. I feel terrible for the women in my shoes whose husband may be ambivalent about ending the affair or still cares for the other woman. I am beyond grateful that mine was actually looking for some way out, I truly believe that his careless behavior at the end of the affair was his way of guaranteeing he would get caught, and he did.
I have only recently found this blog and begun to share my story and to hear your stories, and there is definitely a new healing in my life because of it. I have shared with only a few trusted friends, and there have been times when I thought I couldn't keep myself from shouting it out to complete strangers! I think Maya Angelou was spot on when she said that "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you". Thank you for sharing your stories and for listening to mine, and for this safe and supportive community... Blessings --S--
It was very difficult for me to keep myself silent about what I was going through. I had told a very few friends -- my closest friends, but not the closest in terms of geography. So I really didn't have someone that I saw on a day-to-day basis for whom I could take the mask off. In some ways, I think that can keep us from being only a "betrayed wife"...but in other ways, it feels dishonest. As if I'm pretending I'm something (ie. together, sane, "normal") that I wasn't...at least at that point in my life.
DeleteIt's so important to tell our stories...and to have an audience for them. People who can support us with judgement...but also gently remind us that there's life beyond this chapter. That this isn't who we were...it's what we're going through.
Thanks for joining us.
Elle
Yes we are victors!!!! and if there are wives who are still in the midst of pain, you will end up as victors when that day comes.
ReplyDeleteWriting my story in my journal has been part of my healing process. When I discover about the affair and the baby, no one knew about it. I just kept it to myself because I felt embarrassed about the situation. I also dont want them to see me so weak and depressed. But writing my pain and describing it helped me look at my story as the other person. Then re reading it made me asked myself, is this what i want to be? This made me decide to do something good such as baking cookies for my children or any stuff that would divert my pain.
However, when I felt that I am a bit ok, i told someone. I called my closest friend and told her evrything. When I told her I was not even crying although teary eyed. She was so shocked as she was trying to think how I was so composed for the past few months and there was not a single thing that she could detect I was not ok. When she said you're a strong woman. hearing that made me feel so triumphant. It is indeed a good feeling that at least someone knows the whole situation. It is also therapeutic to tell your story, listens without judging and sharing to them what you felt and what has changed in your life and most of all what have you become after being cheated. Whats important is we were able to forgive, love, on the process of healing and overcome the ordeal.
This just made me think to shift my journal in my laptop from notebook..Thanks Elle for this site and of course thank you God for showing me this site. xxx
Thank-YOU for sharing your story. There's power in coming together to support each other.
DeleteElle
I'm having a hard time,it has been 9mos.Sometimes I think it would be easier if he would not want to be with me and just break up.Really it is the hardest thing I've ever done,is to try to stay together,even though that's what he wants.It has been a year this month since he has slept with her,and I found out on may 2nd.He needed to get a harassment order on her,because she wouldn't leave us alone,leaving notes on my car and constantly harassing us,got her arrested for violation and going to court in march.it never ends.i know he doesn't have anything to do with her.i have been contemplating leaving,i tried long enough.
ReplyDeletethis is my story
ReplyDeleteThank you sharing your story with us. We've all been there and know how difficult this is -- it was the hardest thing I've ever done too.
DeleteNine months is really not so long on the healing path. I know it seems like an eternity but it takes years to get past this. Whether you stay together or not is, of course, your decision. But I hope you base it not on how you feel right now (to be honest, most anyone, whether they stay or go, feels like hell) but on whether or not this person makes your life better ultimately or worse.
Was his affair emblematic of a generally selfish, thoughtless person? Or was it the poor choice of an otherwise good man?
Sometimes an affair is exactly what we need to get us the hell out the door. But sometimes it's just a horrible chapter in an otherwise happy life.
As Ann Landers famous asked, "is your life better with him or without him?" You get to decide. Nobody says you have to stay or go, except you.
Elle