The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
This is what we're doing...
“That’s what authority is. When you’re actually writing from that deepest place within you, if you tell the truth, you’re using your greatest power and your greatest authority. That’s a key piece, not just doing that as a writer but when we talk about healing. Whatever the loss may be, not avoiding that wound, not trying to have it covered up and pretend it’s not there but rather to look into it.” ~Cheryl Strayed
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Now if I could learn how to look at the wound without sticking my finger in it and poking around.... I spent an hour yesterday looking at old bank statements to do what? Prove he had an affair? I already know that. To see how often, exactly when? Check it against my calendar for what was going on then? I tried to figure out what each Atm location or drugstore purchase meant and realized that was getting me nowhere and making me feel like crap. Sigh. Trying not to do it today. I know other people have gone through this part, too, that always helps.
ReplyDeleteLiz
Hi Liz,
DeleteI did that too. Rifling through drawers, doing reverse call lookup after poring over phone bills, etc. All to confirm something you already know. It's crazy-making...and masochistic.
I'm glad you acknowledge that it's harmful to you though I think what's driving you to do it is that you're trying to understand something that seems incomprehensible.
That's something that trips a lot of us up. We desperately think that if we could just understand what happened and why he did it, then we can ensure it never happens again. It's the out-of-controlledness (is that a word?) of it that's so scary to us.
But this is yet another of those life lessons wrapped in pain. There's much about life that is out of our control. In fact, most of life is out of our control, despite the illusion we've created. We can't guarantee that this will never happen again. All we can do it is ensure that we conduct ourselves in ways that feel right. And trust that, no matter what happens to us, we have the strength and support to get through it.
As my personal-organizer friend says, all we can ever do is keep our side of the street clean. Trying to clean the other side is what gets us in trouble.
So...back to your pain shopping. Stop. Whether you put on an elastic band and give yourself a good snap each time you're tempted, whether you reward yourself with something nice each day/week you don't indulge your masochism...whatever you do to stop, you'll feel much better in the long run. And you'll realize that knowing more of the same doesn't take you further toward healing. It keeps you stuck in the pain.
Elle
Thanks, Elle. You always put the feelings into clear words for me.
ReplyDeleteLiz
Ellie just found your site. Thank you, you have no idea what it means to me- I don't feel so alone and wanting to forgive doesn't feel so weak. I love him, I know he's sorry but i'm that woman who would have told someone else to leave. The feeling of failing of not being enough and of bring weak for still loving him it's tearing me apart but I want my marriage to work I want to be happy again. I just don't know how. Your message board is wonderful, wish I found it 6 months ago
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteWe were ALL that woman who would have told someone else to leave...or insisted that we would leave. Famous last words!
The feeling of failing or being weak is about others' perceptions, not our own. So moving past that is really getting clear on recognizing that those critical voices ("I wouldn't put up with that!" "She's a doormat." "She's only staying because of money/kids/whatever." "Once a cheater, always a cheater." The list goes on....) aren't your own or those of any compassionate soul. If necessary, once that voice pops up in your head, tell it to "shut up", or go away, or bug somebody else. And the more you do that, as nutty as it sounds, the less power the critics will have on you. And remember, these aren't even real people! They're voices in your own head, perhaps a critical parent, perhaps a critical teacher, perhaps just an amalgamation of all the people in your life who ever thought you were making a mistake. No matter. They don't get to run your life, you do.
I'm not saying it's easy. And I think most of us struggle with those critics, especially around cheating because our culture is so vocal about what we think of it. That's why we support each other. Because often the courageous thing to do is to rebuild. We're the unsung heroes, forgiving what we thought was unforgivable.
And yes, I do know what it means to you because it means the same to me. To have the support and compassion and understanding of women who've been in my shoes is a wonderful, important thing.
Elle
Ellie
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to reply to me, and for not judging. Found the site today and I guess I've readeverything on it now, it's been a tremendous help- but to my shame I need something else- understanding I think? Dint know where to start so here goes
I knew, I let it go on for almost a year and never said. I couldn't believe it was happening, I told myself it was me imagining things? Even when I knew he was out right lying to me, I pretended I didn't know... I made a decision to take the scraps? To keep telling him Ioved him, to try make him remember he loved me- how pathetic is that? And then suddenly it stopped, he started being the man I loved again and I was so happy. I knew it was over and he was mine again, so I said nothing for another year! Only reason I finally confronted him was because she the OW had been phoning me at home at work, writing to me basically tormenting me with what a ( well unprintable word!) my husband was. I finally sat him down, showed him the latest letter and told him I knew. Turns out she had been harrassing him too, threatening to tell me. What a mess. I love him I glad he came to his senses on his own- 17 years together and I hope we make it. It just finally confronting it and him made me realise just how pathetic and lost I had become. It all just suddenly hit me, rage shame guilt, I want to kill him one minute and love him the next- am I going mad? Only good thing is she has no power over us anymore so the harrassment has stopped. Sorry not sure why I shared all this but it feels good to get it out
No need to apologize for sharing your story. We need to share our stories...and learn from each other and support each other. I felt like I was suffocating when I kept my story inside.
DeleteAnd you're not pathetic at all. Many of us have been in your shoes. We've denied, we've pretended, we've desperately wished we could will away the pain. But, in the end, the only way out of hell is through it.
I'm sure your husband is relieved that the lies are over. But there's still much to be done in order to repair the damage as must as possible...and ensure that both of you understand why you assumed the roles you did. It's scary stuff, digging through our actions for the meaning behind it, but it can also be enormously satisfying and enlightening – and add a depth to our relationships that's been missing.
There are some good books out there that can offer up some insight. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is a classic. Janis Abrams Spring's book "How Can I Forgive You" is another good one. You'll certainly recognize yourself in the pages...there are many many of us who've walked this road.
You're starting to ask important questions of yourself. You're recognizing that you were lost. My advice is to ask the questions without attaching blame or judgement to them. You were doing the best you could at that time. But you're not that person any more. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate. Treat yourself with the same gentleness you would treat a friend who'd gone through what you have.
I think you're ready to expect more of your husband and yourself.
And please, continue to share here, ask questions, and even extend a hand to others who might learn along with you.
Elle