Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Importance of Understanding Infidelity as Trauma

The traumatic nature of disclosure of infidelity intensifies when the threat continues, through the continuation of the marital affair or lack of proof of its discontinuation...
This can't be overstated. The insanity we feel when we suspect an affair increases exponentially when we confront the cheater, expect that he'll end the affair only to be left without any proof that it really is over.
And though the research paper focuses exclusively on wives of sex addicts, this holds true for all wives who've discovered their husband's secret life.
It's the reason that any husband remotely interested in saving his marriage must immediately establish no contact with his affair partner. It's the reason that there needs to be total transparency – with you having access to his computer passwords, cell phone, all records and whatever else makes you feel that he some measure of accountability. It's the reason that he must always be available to take your calls any time you need to check on him. It's the reason that he must always be where he says he is, with whom he says he's with and for how long.
It's not about you becoming police and watchdog, it's about you being able to slowly feel safe again. Post-trauma can even follow you into a new relationship, or impact friendships. We become suspicious. We don't trust our own judgement.
Trauma following betrayal isn't the exception, it's the rule. Sure there are some women who recover more quickly but the rest of us are generally shell-shocked and paralyzed for a year, or two, or three. Post-trauma leaves us frightened and anxious, feeling isolated and unable to determine our next step. It's not something we can force ourselves to move past or will ourselves into stopping. Self-help books can't make it go away, though they can help us recognize that we're experiencing it.
I spent the first half year wondering why I wasn't feeling any better and was, in fact, feeling worse. More hopeless. Though my husband was in counselling for sex addiction and attending a 12-step group, though he was doing what he could to support me, I felt fearful and anxious. I also found myself highly mistrustful of just about everyone. I questioned their motives, wondered who they "really" were. I felt constantly off-balance. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When a friend, who worked at a support centre for sexual abuse survivors, suggested that what I was experiencing was post-trauma, I dismissed it. As I've written here before, I thought post-trauma was what rape victims or veterans dealt with. I thought what I'd experienced didn't "qualify" me for post-trauma. It seemed too dramatic a label for something so, sadly, common.
But what my friend had said at least made me open my mind to the possibility. Now it seems I'm reading everywhere that being cheated on leads to post-traumatic response.
It's not just semantics. Be recognizing the depth of your trauma, you can better heal from it. By truly acknowledging that what happened isn't just about your husband being an ass, you can recognize that your responses/reactions to a wide variety of things – from a friend cancelling a lunch date to the death of your pet – are through the lens of post-trauma.
Betrayal is traumatic. But continued betrayal or inability to determine if betrayal is continuing is worse still.

33 comments:

  1. Your post speaks right to my heart, again. Insanity took hold and rooted for the year following d-day, until I was blindsided for a second time. The part of my brain that stores traumatic events can recall the anguish, four years later. The marriage has been rebuilt, but the trust may never be. ~Liz

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    1. Liz,

      I recently had an experience whereby I felt almost transported back to the day I found out. My heart pounded, my hands were shaking. So even though it was six years later, it felt as if it was right now. That is trauma.
      I'm going to right more about it in a post in a day or so. But it's worth it, in your case, to explore it with a therapist if you can. When memories feel that immediate, it's usually about something that's been stored in your brain improperly. Re-storing it can move you past it.

      Elle

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    2. Elle, Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and ability to cut through the fog with direct advice. I hadn't thought of moving past trauma by "re-storing" it. I'll work on that.

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    3. It's been so helpful for me to recognize, when I'm suddenly having a really strong response to a relatively benign situation (ie. my husband forgets to walk the dogs and I scream at him that he NEVER thinks of anyone but himself blah blah blah), that I'm reacting not to the "now" but to the "then". Or, like I wrote above, when I'm suddenly transported back, it's clear that something has triggered my trauma response, which wouldn't be triggered if the memory had been "stored" properly. I'm doing it through EMDR but there are other approaches.

      Elle

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  2. I agree with Liz, and experienced something similar. Though my husband is being sensitive to my pain on a surface level, I'm still not sure he truly understands the pain he caused. Because he contacted the OW...again...after seeing me in so much pain. I'm having a hard time determining if I can stay in a marriage where I don't trust, don't feel safe, feel anxiety everytime he walks out the door. How can we rebuild if there is no trust? How long do we wait to feel safe again?

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    1. What are the consequences of him contacting the OW? It's crucial to have set very clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. If one of your conditions for reconciliation is that he have absolutely no contact with the OW (and it should be one of our conditions), then you need to have very clear boundaries around what will happen if he does. Does he move out? Do you move out? Do you initiate divorce proceedings? Does he sleep on the couch? This isn't to "punish" him, it's to help you establish that sense of safety. To remind yourself that you can control him but you can control YOU. So you don't "wait" to feel safe, you create as much safety as you can by having very clear boundaries. If he violates those, then there are already determined consequences.
      IF he slowly shows you, over weeks and months (and years) of always being where he says, with whom he says, for how long he says...that trust will come back. It will never be the blind trust you had. That's over. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Though it is a sad thing. But trust built on a pattern of behaviour over time is possible.
      But you start by figuring out your boundaries (do you need access to all his electronic devices? To be able to call him anytime/anywhere? To confirm with people that he's where he says he is?) and what the consequences are if he lies/deceives again. And then you tell him, calmly and clearly, that this is what you need to heal and to feel safe again in the relationship. Remember, this isn't about controlling him, it's about controlling your response to his actions...to learn to trust yourself..

      Elle

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    2. Yes, he moved out for a couple of months and is now back trying to "prove"he's trustworthy again. Here's the unnerving part of my H: he believes he's "protecting me" by lying/hiding hurtful things. Obviously, not doing anything harmful to begin with is the only way to protect me/our marriage. During his cheating years, he became a pro at creating secret email accounts, deleting records, etc. He would never and will never admit to me when/if contact occurs, I will have to discover it myself. What it comes down to (and what our therapist stated at one point) is: I will never truly know everything he's doing. I know I can only control me, and that does bring a sense of peace. But it obviously fills me with anxiety to put my emotional health in the hands of a partner who believes "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." If I have access to accounts, phones, etc. , he can just create/hide new ones. I know only I can set the boundary of when enough is enough...I'm just feeling so uncertain about whether I can keep on living with this constant anxiety of "what if." Thank you for your strength, Elle, and all ladies who contribute here.

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    3. I call "bullshit" on the protecting you by not telling you everything. He's protecting himself. You're right in that he wouldn't do any of this in the first place if his concern was protecting you. There would be nothing to hide.
      Nope, I say he's protecting himself, which includes protecting himself from your pain because it makes him feel crappy/shameful/whatever.
      I don't know where you go from here. If you can't trust that he won't hurt you again, and you can't trust that even if he's tempted that he'll tell you and therefore dramatically reduce the changes that he follow throughs with anything, then you're left with a pretty shaky relationship.
      I have a hunch that he doesn't think you'll follow through with full separation/divorce. How firm are you in your boundaries? How clear is he is that he has to EARN your trust and DESERVE your love. You're not a doormat.

      Elle

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    4. Touche, Elle! I, too, call BS! My solution was to call his bluff: He was lying about porn. I finally bought him a subscription to Playboy for his birthday last year. While I do not like the porn, the bigger issue was (in my opinion) the LYING about it. There's a years' worth, unopened, in his drawer, but I believe that message FINALLY got through to him.

      One of the things you can (and probably should) do is take a computer class or three. He can delete lots of things, but software always leaves crumbs of information behind. No files, but gee, the access date on the folder was at 2am while he was on travel, when he SWORE he was asleep. Things like that are also telling, in some ways more than the actual files.

      Another thing is to have savings in your own name to be able to protect yourself in the event HE initiates divorce, but also to have the resources (whether used or not) to go through with it if YOU initiate it. Otherwise you let him (or circumstances) control your situation.

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  3. I think the most beneficial thing for me was joining a 12 step program for family members of addicts ( so helpful even if he is just a cheater.) Most women dont even know resources like that exist. Theres still loads of trauma even when youre on a path to health, but at least you have the support of those who truly know what you are feeling. kate

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    1. Kate,
      I'd love to hear more about this. What groups do you go to? What have you learned? Please share!

      Elle

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  4. Hi

    i have just registered to this blog and would like to write about my story. Where do I post it? Thank you..

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    1. Hi Sonat,

      I don't have a separate forum for sharing stories...wish I did. It's on my list of things to add to this site! In the meantime however, simply post it like you would a comment. Some people post it in two or three comments (if it's long). But it really does help to share your story with women who understand, know your pain and can provide a compassionate response. Whenever you're ready...

      Elle

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  5. I learned a week ago today that my partner of 12 years, which we have one 9 year old, is having an emotional affair with someone he recently met online. As a matter of fact he has been speaking to her for 2 hours on the phone as of right now, 1 in the morning Thursday April 18 2013. My partner and I have been living in seperate homes for 2 years that are located across the street from each other. We decided we had to live seperately due to children from previous relationships not getting along with each other and my children not getting along with my partner (we refer to him as their step dad). Anyway, we were still a couple. Having a normal relationship (sex, dinner, going out etc) other then sleeping in different houses. Now my partner is demanding that me and the kids leave the home as he cannot "go on with his life with you (me) watching me (him) from across the street". I am at a loss for words when he says this. I am like what are you talking about! "You are cheating" and his response is "no we arent a couple". I am completely devastated by this affair and his sudden downplaying of our relationship. I am losing my mind and physically cannot take it either. I cannot eat, sleep, or function properly. I have been begging him to please seek help with me from a counselor but he is refusing. I again beg him to try to save our family but he refuses and just says "I hate you move out, leave, go as far away as you want". I don't understand any of it as last week I had a partner, a home, and a family and because of his online/phone relationship my child with him pays the price by having to move....I am scared Heather

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    1. Heather,

      I'm so sorry for what he's putting all of you through. Of course, you're scared and confused and heartbroken. We've all been there. Unable to eat, unable to sleep. He certainly can't force you to move so take that off the table right now. It might help (and it won't be easy) to simply be as calm as possible around him (you can scream into your pillow) and tell him that you're sorry he feels this way, it's heartbreaking to all of you that he's allowed someone else into your marriage but that you aren't going anywhere. He has no right to tell you where to live. It might be wise, simply as a precaution, to meet with a lawyer. And even if he won't go to counselling, I would strongly urge you to. It would provide a safe place for you to process this roller-coaster.
      At this point, there isn't a whole lot you can do if he isn't willing to break it off and try and save your relationship. What you CAN do is try and take care of yourself as best you can (try and sleep -- melatonin can help, available in the vitamin section of your pharmacy; eat, even if it's just soup or a smoothie; go for walks). You need to provide some sort of stability for your kids, especially when he's acting like such a jerk. They're no doubt scared too.
      Hang in there, Heather. I can't guarantee that he'll pull his head out of his ass but you certainly have it within you to be strong. With help, you can handle this.
      If you haven't already discovered Surviving Infidelity (survivinginfidelity.com), you can read a lot over there about emotional affairs, the "fog" and more. They're a wonderful compassionate group of people. And, of course, please keep posting/reading here. We've been there.

      Elle

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    2. 2 days have passed since I posted. Thanks for your reply Elle. I checked the website you suggested. I also have an appointment Tuesday for counseling and at my attorney on Monday. The home I live in my partner owns as we never legally married but have been together for 12 years and raised 5 nonshared children and 1 shared son. Therefore, I would have to move if he persues it. He has spoken to the online person every night for at a minumum of 2 hours each night and tonight he went to a local casino to play poker and made plans to go out drinking with the guys tomorrow night. Is this the behavior of a man worried about his family? I told him I am meeting with the attorney Monday to have paper work drawn up so I may relocate back to my home area with the kids this summer if we go through with what he is asking me to do...leave. When I first found out about the other relationship he told me I had to move as far away as possible. He did not seem very happy with me telling him that I am preparing for the possible transition. We also discussed that I would have full custody (its over 120 miles away) and he would have visitation, and also 6 months of financial support after the move because I would be quitting my job to relocate. Now he says he was never in agreement, but he was when first discussed. His exact words this morning prior to learning of me speaking to a lawyer "what will it take for you to leave? There is a ZERO percent chance of reconciling, whats wrong with you? Have you no shame?" His words after learning of me speaking to the lawyer "You are self destructive and at this second in time there is a zero percent chance of reconciling." Am I reading those wrong? I got the feeling he DOESNT really want to finalize things? I am self destructive because I am preparing for the worst? I am not as angry as I was, I am so very sad still, but I need to prepare as school ends in less then 2 months. Heather

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    3. Hi Heather,
      I'd be inclined to keep my cards close to my chest, to use a gambling metaphor. You're in a vulnerable position financially if he owns the house, I think. Not sure whether common-law would help you out much since you lived under a different roof. Your attorney would know better than I.
      But given that he doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart, you need to take care of yourself and your kids. Stick to your plan -- sounds like you've at least unnerved him a bit. Which is good. Keep him off balance and make him recognize that there are consequences to this idiocy he's engaged in.
      And of course you're sad. You're being hurt by someone you trusted and built a life with. But you're also right in that you need to think about yourself and the kids.
      Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

      Elle

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  6. I had to go to my dentist today, which is right by the OW's office. Just thinking of her as this real person who is out there, who I could see if I waited outside that office, makes me shake. I know she doesn't matter but it is so hard to accept that I cannot confront her and how traumatic it would be for me if I did. Nothing makes me more aware of this as a trauma, my physical reaction to thoughts of her. I just had to vent this to people who will understand. I promise myself I will not walk by that office, nothing good for me will come of that. My wedding anniversary was yesterday so this caps a perfect week! We mostly just ignored it, which was fine with me.

    -Liz S (I think there are two Liz's on here now.

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    1. Liz S.,

      Yes, that physical response really does remind us it's trauma.
      You're wise to limit any actions that would lead to that sort of visceral response. Especially when, with your anniversary this week, you're probably feeling fragile.
      Remind yourself that you're handling this. That you're stronger than you imagined. That you are in control. Because you are. It's easy to get caught up in what we're not handling as well as we'd like while ignoring what we are handling. If you can get through the day without murdering your husband and/or the Other Woman, consider it a huge success. :)

      Elle

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    2. I tracked the ow down and still think about following her and running her over and I've already talked to her and got the I'm so sorrys and it was a "bad mistake"........I just can't stop obsessing. Hoping the meds will help :/ it's only been a month since the entire ordeal happened.

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    3. Anonymous,
      One month is really not so long, though it might feel like a lifetime. The "obsessing" will fade with time, as long as you don't feed it. And yes, meds might help.
      Hang in there. Sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

      Elle

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  7. Thanks, so true. Thinking about it set me off, and I spent a bad afternoon checking old bank and phone statements again, trying to understand every charge and fixating on certain ones, and I felt like I was ignoring my baby and wasting my time. But nobody was hurt except me.... Liz S

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    1. I put a gps phone locator on a spare phone we have. Almost threw in my partner's car when he left to go to the casino. I too feel like I am wasting my time. He's admitted to an emotional affair, do I really need to do this? The answer is probably no, so I completely understand your going over the statements again. God I am hurting so badly. I feel worthless. Heather

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    2. I do think it's important to know the main details. For example, if he's telling you it was just an emotional affair and you suspect otherwise, you need to know whether or not you need to be tested for STDs. You need to know if he's still in touch with her. You need to know whether or not her husband/partner knows.
      So sifting through receipts and phone bills is pain shopping, if you already know that they talked via phone, went out to dinner or whatever. But if you don't think you have all the info you need (he says there was no sex, you think otherwise, for example; he says it's over, you think they're still in touch), then I think you're smart to do some sleuthing. Ideally, your husband offers up total transparency so that you don't have to do any digging. You should have access to his phone, computer, wallet, bank accounts, etc.
      So I get that it's kinda confusing as to whether you should be digging for more info, or not. Basically it comes down to what it is you're looking to find out. And what would the information change if you found it. If all it would do is increase your pain, then don't bother. But if it might change your course of action, then keep looking.

      Elle

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  8. Ugggghhhhhh- EXACTLY - therapist had me write a forgiveness letter and rip it up and choose not to bring it up.........easier said than done. I feel like I'm drowning

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    1. What? You had to write a "forgiveness" letter? To whom? And choose not to bring WHAT up? Sounds like you need a new therapist!

      Elle

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  9. Hi Elle
    I just wanted to pass along the new info I have found out since posting...My partner was even lying about the affair lol. It was not a phone/online relationship at all. As a matter of fact the Other Woman lives only 5 minutes away. I decided that I did not believe a word he was saying, so I installed a lost phone app on my son's smartphone. I send the phone a code word via text and it gives me the exact location of the phone. Today when he showed up for our son's bday party I put the phone under the drivers seat on silent. He came 30 minutes late to the party and left before all the other guests. The party ended at 6 and at 6:20 I sent the phone the text. In 3 minutes my already broken heart broke even more. I immediatley jumped in the car (probably a bad idea running on emotion like that) and it took 5 minutes to get there. The driveway was long so I did not go up it as I would have been detected. I drove to a parkiglot and googled the address. I clicked on Spokeo and after paying $6 I had her name, bday, and marital status. She is single and 32 yrs old. I am 37 he is 47. He must feel like a stud bagging a woman 15 years younger then he is. I feel like a loser. I feel even more lost. I do know that sometime in the near future I will confront this woman with the real truth. But before that I am at the lawyers monday and counselor tuesday. I fear a long journey ahead of me and my children....how sad. Heather

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    1. Hi Heather,
      Way to go! While I'm sorry for what you've learned, I'm incredibly impressed with the guts/brains you've shown in figuring it out. You might feel like a loser but you sure aren't acting like one! You're a whole lot more clever than you give yourself credit for.
      Long journey, perhaps. But we all have that.
      And yes, sad. That he's given up a loyal family is very sad. I dare say, though, that you'll be better of without him. Without the lies. Without the cruelty.

      Elle

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  10. I completely agree with experiencing post traumatic stress after finding out about infidelity and the horrors of betrayal. I'm going through that now. http://www.dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/post-traumatic-stress.html

    I get better each day as I get more removed from the day I first found out about it.

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    1. Just posted my first response to you about this. It's such a shame, isn't it?

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  11. My husband thought it was absolutely ok to be in contact with the OW and time ans again he would swear that he isnt but time and again i would find out he was. They were countless times. It was really horrible. The feeling of having this deep pit in my stomach every time i found out.

    he said... even if i could access his emails or phone or whatever.. it wont matter as if he really wanted to contact her.. he would find a way in our times of annoying technology. Sigh. Its like false security...

    I was disappointed time and again..

    he said that he was asked to cease all contact.. and it didnt come from his own free will/effort. Therefore it didnt work

    Really?

    it has surely made me feel like he is not serious about reconciliation.. sigh.

    Now.. he has said he has ceased all contact.. i hope it is for real.. its such a horrible feeling having to keep finding out proof after proof of his lies.. sigh.

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    1. Iliss,
      I'm absolutely fuming at the treatment your husband has given you. He sounds like an absolute jerk. Remind me why you're with him? Does he have good qualities??
      He wasn't serious about reconciliation. And he went to great lengths to make sure you knew that he wasn't serious. But what you've taught him is that he can continuously lie to you, tell you he's lying to you, explain why he's lying to you…and you'll let him. That has got to stop unless you want to spend the rest of your life with that knot in your stomach.
      He doesn't get to have "free will" if he's seriously interested in reconciliation. He gets to show you, by consistently and constantly being transparent, honest and reassuring, that he understands just how deeply his actions hurt you (and his marriage) and that he's willing to relinquish "free will" for the time being in order to prove to you that he's sincere about his love for you and his desire to rebuild his marriage. Anything less and you're in for more heartbreak. At what point will you say enough is enough?
      If you are determined to give him this zillionth chance, then he needs to give you access to all devices (no point in making it easy for him), be available to you 24/7 and seek counselling to find out why he's such a total prick.
      I would strongly urge you to also seek counselling to get to the bottom of why you've tolerated this. You deserve better. Your child deserves better. Please find out why you don't believe that. My guess is your husband is simply telling you what you already believe about yourself. But whoever was the first to tell you that you don't have value was absolutely wrong. You do. You are worthy and loveable and deserving of respect. Please believe me.

      Elle

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    2. Does him not 'loving me anymore because the affair totally wiped out my feelings for you' give him reason to treat me like .. well, turd? Some days he is nice, some days he ignores me. He shows much love to the kids but ignores me. I can tell you... it hurts like hell.

      Why am I giving him a chance? Sigh. Everyone (except for the female members of his family) have asked me to just get the hell out.

      I have 3 kids... and the 1st one has seen enough. Sigh.

      He doesn't love me, therefore I should leave. Because I will never know when he will choose to just leave me?

      I do not get any reassurance from him. Not much anyway.

      I've also been told, since I chose to stay... I should just put whatever he did behind me, and just move on, and also win him back. For the sake of the kids and the family.

      I do not deny that perhaps being a mother of 3 kids had taken a tol on me, and with aging parents too, and with me being ill after my 2nd child was born... I haven't been the best of wives... but I don't think anything.. gives any man, the right to cheat on his wife...

      I am confused. Sigh.

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