This post was written by a reader in response to my post, Second Letter to the Other Woman. It's likely a familiar timeline to many Other Women. But to we betrayed wives, the affair can look magical from the outside. My reader, who's experienced her own betrayal, also wrote this:
Through my pain I can feel some sort of satisfaction knowing that at the back of the OW minds, they really must know deep down how gullible and stupid they are. My husband's failure is what I will deal with, hers, well, who cares.
She writes:
A little insight into how the other woman feels. This was from a friend who doesn't know that I've been betrayed. I knew about her affair partner but I'm ashamed to say I only took an interest once it had happened to me and the fact that we didn't catch up much as we were thousands of miles away.
Week one of her affair: They met at a convention. Drinks after the meeting, mutual attraction. She was single he was married, which she knew. Ended up in bed by the end of the week. She told me of the flattery: He'd "never had sex like it", she was "the most beautiful woman" he had ever seen, she " got him".
Weeks 2 and 3. He went to her apartment for dinner and more sex. Took her some flowers and champagne. He opened up more about his wife, how the marriage was dead, and he was only staying for the kids.
Months 2 and 3. They meet at least three or four times a week. He has now told her he loves her. He can't stand being without her. She is having the time of her life. Dressing up, being admired, little gifts. I tell her to watch out. Her heart will be broken. And doesn't she think of his wife and kids? Yes, she did, says she felt terrible at first but now she realises they " were meant to be" and besides, the wife is a real ogre, moans all the time, they sleep in separate rooms.
Months 4 and 5. Still going well and she still adores him. Bit upset he couldn't spend her birthday with her and she was hoping to take a little holiday with him. She gives him the key in case he can turn up or if the old bag of a wife gives him too much grief he can spend some time at her apartment. After all, he will probably be moving in one day.
Months 6 and 7. She tells me she's getting a bit pissed about the situation. She really thought by now he would be putting some plans into place about leaving, you know, stashing some money in a different account for when he moves. She finds out the family are going on holiday together. Why would he do that when he can't stand her? Well, you know, united front for the kids and all that.
Months 8 and 9. He has started cancelling a few times. Still says he loves her and they will be together one day. She's had to keep him secret from her friends, so she's missing out on her social life.
Months 9 and 10. She decides to do a drive-by past his house. WTF, there he is in the front garden with the ogre of a wife, who quite frankly would give Julia Roberts a run for her money. How can he be laughing with her? She doesn't tell him she went by the house. Actually, he never told her exactly where he lived but she found out one day from his wallet. He always told her his wife never had Facebook. Oh dear, big mistake, especially when the photos are public. That holiday that was only for the kids, well, there was an awful lot of affection going on, and what was that picture taken at Christmas of the whole family on the bed opening presents looking like the Partridge family? Then a close up picture of the gorgeous eternity ring he bought her. She had never seen him look so happy.
Cut to the present day. She confronted him. Told him he had to make his mind up. That she wasn't going to wait. He apologised and said sorry, she was lovely but he did love his wife and his head was turned. Begged her not to tell his wife.
It cut like a knife hearing her story, I wanted to shout " You bitch, how could you?" But when she cried on my shoulder and said she felt such a fool, used and abused, he was stringing me along all the time. She said that she felt inferior to the wife and the compliments meant nothing as she knew they were just words to get her into bed.
The final piece of her humiliation: My friend, the OW, went to a book club organised by a friend of a friend. And yes, his wife was one of the members. After a few weeks of being in the same room, she hears one evening after a few glasses of wine what a great sex life this woman has with her husband. She seems a happy woman. My friend said she wanted to destroy her happiness that evening by blurting out the truth. She hasn't so far.
I don't think she would benefit from apologising. She's humiliated enough already, she would feel even more like trash. She phoned the other day, but I felt I didn't need a friend like this in my life. I cut her short, said I would phone back. Haven't yet.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
"My friend said she wanted to destroy her happiness that evening by blurting out the truth." - THAT, in the end, is why society despises the OW as much as the cheating spouse.
ReplyDeletedamn straight, it's that same undermining, disrespectful and tunnel vision attitude that takes them past that invisible (but obvious) boundary of someone elses relationship in thev first place. Regardless of what lies have been told to the OW about the wife, if they know there is one they need to back off, as they know they're only dealing with the tip of the iceberg, they don't really know what's going on in the marriage and how can a couple have any chance to fix what's wrong if there's an unknown 3rd party standing in the way...?? That's where I wish men would try and see a bit further past their own d**k, and rather than concentrating on the OW, try focusing on the gorgeous piece of a**e they're already privileged to have right in their own home. Create a sultry affair with their wives instead...whatever heartbreak the OW suffers is self-inflicted. They happily created the situation for themselves, these women usually never find happiness of their own because they're too busy sifting through the consequences of trying to rob the happiness of others.
DeleteYes. I can see mountainsailing's point below (that is, if they're beneath you, why waste your energy on hating them?) - but I do NOT subscribe to the "only person at fault is the cheating spouse" and that society shouldn't blame the other woman - in the case of a true "I didn't know about the wife", I could see that, but the bulk of these cases, the OW KNOWS there's a wife and still CHOOSES to continue down this path. They have some warped sense of Schadenfreude that we despise in most people who exhibit that behavior but are somehow supposed to overlook when it's an OW?
DeleteInteresting responses & I truly have mixed emotions about the issue. The spouse & the other woman ... who is at fault etc ... If it is a physical attraction and he slips up and steps out once ... it's not ok, but a little less damaging then say... a affair for ten years with the same woman. I was involved with the man before he was married and knew nothing about the relationship until he was on his way to prison and she called my phone one day after going through the VMs and identified herself as his "Fiance". I was crushed . He went to prison and married her there as he was sentenced to a mandatory 12 year sentence. I of course didn't find this out until he was in about a year & through word of mouth realized he was lying about how serious it really was. I moved out of state and had my own relationship for 3 yrs. At this time, I was working on getting over him & accepting the decision he made. Timehas come that he is being released and who finds me through Internet search? Surprise! He begs for me to come back and see where things go ... I debate whether it is even worth the fight. By that time I left my rel. Moved out, was living alone in another state. I went back and forth and thought that I truly never would have closure until I took the chance. I get to the state & he is on parole for a period of time and we are going out in public and he is claiming me as his woman to anyone who asks. Moves out & lives with fam after he gets approval from his PO. I'm thinking things are on their way and he is showing effort. That lasts for a little while until I realize that too was bullshit. We split. I move on begin dating someone else. He catches wind of it and starts contacting me again, looking for me in places that I frequent. I tell him to be with who he chose to be with, HER ... Not ME. He stays his distance a few weeks and slowly but surely he begins to contact me again. Calling, wanting to meet etc. I try to have a friendship with nothing more. He isn't going for that. As a matter of fact just a few weeks ago I told him to leave me alone and not call me again. Explained we had nothing to discuss. He then called me 30xs after repeated ignored calls. To only show up @ my house the following morning demanding I let him in. So please, at this point I can't deny that I love this man. I have attempted more than once to let him be with his wonderful woman of his choice. I am not a desperate woman and can have a man of my own. I've tried moving on but he reappears. Says he needs to get his shit together and he loves me blah,blah,blah. If you are married and the commitment is made between the both of you. That is indeed where it should stay. If you have probs and work them out, more power to you. However, if your catching your husband time after time with the same things that bond is broken and you need to check him for that infidelity. I have spoken to his wife more than once and have chosen not to go back and forth on what he says or feels and does outside of their situation because quite frankly, it doesn't matter. If I am stupid enough to follow my heart up to this point and she is too the only ones losing is us not him. I refuse to go back and forth or compete with anyone. That is not my intent. I am not looking to one up her or anything. To be quite honest and I was all for letting her have the fool, despite my own feelings. Do I take blame for being human and being weak to my emotions yes, so fault me for that but please don't judge the "OW" as some devils spawn or some outcast because the man that vowed to love you and only you is telling another woman he loves her and wants to be with her. Both of us are being played, he just choses to play the role longer with the "main" one longer as she is the one that one paper puts up with the shit. What makes either one of these women different exactly? She and that womanget the same as long as they both put up with the shit.
DeleteWhat's the difference? Wife: Made a life-long commitment to the man. OW: Started dating him, in many cases, knowing that he was married or in a commited relationship.
DeleteWhat ticks me off is that he lies, and OW desperately wants to believe everything that he says. What kind of man leaves his kids with a woman that he claims is abusive? Wouldn't he want to stick around to make certain that the kids aren't abused? The cheating is bad enough, but lying about someone's character to get sex on the side is worse.
Things would be so much better if everyone would stop behaving like children and be honest with each other.
It is simply inexcusable to enter into any kind of intimate relationship with a person who is married. My horrific experience as a betrayed spouse and dealing with the two women that had lengthy affairs with my revolting ex-husband led me to conclude that there is simply a type of woman who is self-absorbed, entitled, insecure and lacks empathy for others. They disgust me on every level.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree...there is NO excuse of any kind for getting into bed with a married man (or woman).
DeleteAbsolutely agree with you, you have put into words what is spinning around in my head, as the betrayed spouse, thank you for clarifying so clearly what these OW are................ altho I could add some more colourful words too............ just 5 months out from D-Day but trying to get thru it and............... waiting for Karma
DeletePerfectly said- "self-absorbed, entitled, insecure and lacks empathy." 100% I so needed to read this. xo
DeleteYou just described my ex good friend (the OW) to a T. I had described her as the sunshine vampire tramp. Thank you.
Deletein my opinion, based on my experiences, there are only two types of Women.. the one that lifts you up, cheer you on, she encourages you to reach your full potential AND then there is the kind that will do everything in their power to use people to their advantage, maybe even try to steal your life, your husband, & everything you hold close to your heart... there's a very special place in hell for people like that.
Deleteit's so unfair that these people (OW) get to carry on with their lives with no care in the world on how much pain they've caused to the lives of the people that were betrayed. I wish for Karma to catch up to them. I realize that the fault was mostly on my husband but I've learned to forgive him bc he is the most caring, loving , attentive husband in all of our 15 years of being together...But this woman, no, no, no. I cannot bring myself to forgive someone who's not even sorry for what she did. She wants my life, she saw my husband as an opportunity, he doesn't see it that way, but I know her type, she made him think that she loves him and that he can replace me with her.
DeleteI really appreciate this post, because for quite some time I've wanted to hear a realistic point of view from an "other woman" who is similar to my husband's. that is, just a normal, screwed up person who didn't mean to have an affair and made terrible mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not an apologist, but I do try to understand what makes people do what they do. I want the real story, not just my own angry inventions of what I think might have happened. In the case of my husband's affair, both he and the other woman made horrible, human mistakes. Neither was evil. Neither was trying to hurt anyone. Neither was overtly manipulative. Neither planned the affair.
(I know in some affairs the other person is truly manipulative, plans the affair from the start, and actively tries to break up the marriage. In those situations, my thought here don't apply.)
I forgive my husband because I know and love him, because he is remorseful and transparent and is working to do everything possible to repair the damage from his affair.
I can't go as far as forgiving the other woman, because she has never apologized to me (despite knowing me and having spent time with me as a "friend"). But I can understand that, in the case of my husband's affair, she is no more culpable than my husband. Like him, her behavior was the result of selfishness, unhappiness, and neglecting to understand her own inner turmoil and deal with it appropriately. Instead of tackling the problems in her life, she sought a quick fix that she knew was wrong. She questioned the morality of what she was doing the whole time, but kept doing it anyway. And that's exactly what my husband did.
I don't excuse either of them. I'll always be angry about what they did. But I can understand that she made the same (stupid, selfish) mistakes that my husband made. She's a flawed human, as is he, as am I.
I never liked her enough to take that farther and attempt to forgive her. Instead, I'm working towards accepting what she did and moving on.
Mountainsailing,
DeleteYour level of empathy is staggering. To get to a place where you can simply accept her as flawed, not Satan, and yourself as flawed, not saint, is inspiring. I suspect your attitude has also allowed you to move on from this more easily than those who hang on to hate.
I say "hang on" though I know being obsessed with the Other Woman feels much more out of control than that. But, in the end, it is a choice -- to either give away our power to her, or take it back. Like you, I chose to take it back, though it took time.
Many of these Other Women are just garden-variety screw-ups. Selfish, yes. Self-centered, uh-huh. Deluded. Yup. The truly evil manipulative ones scare the hell of out me. But most are just dumb, not devils.
Well, you know: on a good day... Some days I'm not as balanced. ;)
DeleteWhat you say is kind of funny, because one of my husband's refrains over the last year and a half has been, "You have to let her go. You can't let her control your life." I've had a horrible time doing that. I've been SO angry with her!
But this is the mindset I've been striving for since I found out. I was too traumatized at first to come close to this much clarity. In the last couple of months, though, something has been breaking loose. My resentment, I think. The pain has lessened as a consequence. I hope it lasts. I feel lighter.
From the beginning I told my husband that I don't want quick, cheap answers, I want the truth. It would be easy for me to see her as pure evil, and believe me, in moments I've leaned that direction! But in my gut I know it's not true. Exaggerating her faults or painting her as the devil doesn't help me, because even as I do that, in the back of my mind I know it's not true.
If I'm to understand this (and then let it go), I have to understand the truth of it, not some fabrication. That's actually harder at first, because the reality is more complicated. But I think in the end it makes the recovery more solid, because the recovery is now based on a real foundation, not on easy, flawed explanations I told myself so I could hate her.
And I guess that's why I'm where I am now. It feels pretty good. Hopefully it lasts.
@ mountainsailing
DeleteThanks for your story, it is reassuring for me to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for some couples working through the aftermath of an affair. I myself found out about my husbands short-lived fling which occured at the start of last year. The ow in my case did apologise profusely when I first confronted her over the phone, however, our last bit of contact we had this year,(probably a mistake, but my partner wasn't brave enough to confess the whole truth at that point, so I had no choice)...she chose to manipulate the situation, and blew the whole story out of proportion, possibly as a way to get back at my partner for leading her on? I don't really know, I think I may have caught her in a bitter phase about the whole thing and just wanted to screw our relationship up for good by sticking the knife in. All it really did was create more grief and pain for myself and my children, and it also robbed my partner of the chance to get the real truth out and give me closure as I didn't know who to believe. Eventually he realised it better to just lay everything out on the table and be honest, but it took alot of talks, and alot of tears on both sides. As he's talked more to me about the little details, I've come to now understand what kind of a person she was, and why she was still fostering the behaviour, despite knowing what she was doing was disgusting and undermining to me as his wife. After her last attempt to lie and cause more destruction for us both, he realised just how screwed up and deceitful she could be too. But I guess all animals will fight when they feel cornered....lol. Even though my partner didn't take long to express to her that he wanted to stop what they were doing, she still approached him after this, asking to meet up for lunch, walks etc..even asking him to be her date to a party later that year, which was the msg I found and him and I came to blows about it because at the point I was terrified and didn't know what I was dealing with. My husband also had a look of terror in his eyes as he knew I'd had enough of playing the guessing game and was about to leave. After that he rung her and told her to cool it for good. (I still wasn't aware what had really happened at that point, I'd only hit the tip of the iceberg) I showed the ow more respect and understanding through out our conversing than she deserved. At the end of the day, I did nothing to hurt anyone, and she knows that, my husband has come to resent her deeply, mainly for happily choosing to play a part in the worst life decision he ever made,even though she had nothing to lose, she knew he did. These women....at that very moment where the tables turn for the worst, are the only people that have the power to put their hand up and give a good decent guy who at the point lose all rationality, the chance to stop and think about what they're really about to lose. But they usually never do, because the OW is too busy cheering on for what she could possibly gain for herself out of it. Myself and my husbands love for each other runs deep, this 3rd person underestimates the ability of how true love can really bounce back from these tragic mistakes, when there is true remorse, maturity, honest communication, empathy and understanding, listening without defence (on his side)....you pretty much have the recipe to move forward together in leaps and bounds. Best of luck for you and me both hun. xox
mountainsailing,
DeleteWe all have our good days and...not-so-good. :)
I too went through what you describe. That loosening of anger. That lightness. It's amazing to me now that I can think about "her" and feel, really, nothing. If you had told me that day would come way back when I found out, I couldn't have imagined it. Yet here it is. But, like you, it took a conscious choice to not grip hatred tightly. To try and recognize that she was just a messed up, lonely soul who took what passed for love in whatever form it came.
Elle
"Best of luck for you and me both hun. xox"
DeleteThank you! I'm touched. And yes, to you, too. It sounds like you'll be okay. :) It's a lot of hard work.
@mountainsailing
DeleteI too used to hate and blame the OW until I read a book called "The Other Woman-Her Point of View". I read it because I needed to make sense of something I had trouble making sense of. I was reading everything I could find about affairs. The book opened my eyes to other possibilities and helped me to understand many things I didn't.
You really have a great and intelligent outlook on the painful feelings of betrayal you experienced. I hope you all the happiness in life that you deserve.
I think i made a very big mistake of contacting the OW of my partner, i did not fight with her. I remained civil thinking i could get important information i can use against my partner. I did get a handful of information, most of them destroyed me even more. The sad part is i gave her a bird'e eye view of my relationship and how my partner is in real life. Now, i think she's smart enough not to pressure my partner to leave me when she pressured him to admit to me about his infidelity. I think she is my partner's escape when we fight and now that i requested that he stop with her, he told me "he cant" . I dont know if this meant i should now leave. My partner said "everytime i contact the OW, i push him more towards her". The bitch even told me that i should not decide for my partner whether he should leave her or not. I'm trying to be strong, but i dont know how long i can stay like this :'(
ReplyDeletePink,
DeleteYour partner is manipulating and abusing you. He's using the OW as a way to keep you in line. Let her have him. Nobody is worth sacrificing your self-respect. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want you to cut him loose. There's a reason he's keeping two of you dangling. He clearly gets off on two women wanting him. So stop playing his game. Walk away with head held high. It won't be easy. But, with time, I think you'll see it was absolutely the smartest move for you.
Elle
Thanks Elle, i hope one day i will have the courage to leave. Right now, my situation is very complicated. I'm in a foreign land and we are in the process of getting my right to stay in this country and the case has been rejected and is now in the higher court. I think he is also taking advantage of that. That he "thought" I can't leave him or I wont get the right to stay. Some men are just total jerk :/
DeleteIn the meantime, I wish you peace of mind. I hope you can expedite the bureaucracy so you can be truly free.
DeleteElle
I don't know why so many women focus on the OW when you can use the OW as a great tool. A tool to get information out of a as well as a key to unlocking the mysteries of what a piece of crap your husband is or can potentially be. I thanked the OW's in my sitch. They saved me thousands of dollars in what I would've spent in private investigator and decoy fees. I eventually was fortunate enough to see the bastard for who he is & got out. Ten years later he is now remarried with a new child. That poor girl. My DDay is a celebration day. A "thank your husband's mistress" day!
ReplyDeleteMy husband had the audacity to make the OW fall head over heals in love with him. It's all a game to him... in my case the OW is a divorcing mother of 2 young boys 30 years his junior. I personally called her husband to tell him about the affair and he thanked me because he know something was going on. What did the OW say about that- she was glad I told her husband so I "could not longer blackmail my husband for hush money". WTF??!! She thinks she's a "awesome" mother but how can you when you text 400 times a day? She was dumb enough to sent provocative pictures that I found and erased, even dumber to do it again- and I sent those to her husband as well!! I still have them on my cell to remind me how skanky she is- ever see a chick lick and suck her own nipples??? The affair continued for another two months after I found out with no sign of stopping so I filed for divorce. No one should ever put up with that disgusting behavior. Bottom line in my experience- anyone willing to engage in an affair with a married man is sick in the head. The married man is also sick in the head and both deserve each other.
ReplyDeleteMy revenge, such as it is, lies in knowing that the OW wanted a relationship with my husband, wished he would leave his family, and that what she had instead must have been unsatisfying and possibly (indeed hopefully) humiliating. Now she knows that somewhere out there is a woman who knows who she is, knows what she did (including using public money to indulge her desire to get her rocks off) - and who despises and pities her. Plus it seems quite clear that behaviour like hers will not have gone unnoticed amongst her colleagues. Reputation, reputation, reputation... I tell my husband this too, in case you're wondering.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be appalling to consider the responsibility in these affairs as anything other than 50/50 - the OW is not some kind of helpless puppet. In my case she was a divorced, middle-aged woman who should have known better, not a green girl swept off her feet. Of course she owes me nothing, it's my husband who betrayed my trust. I don't want or need any contact with her, certainly haven't stalked her on the web. She isn't very interesting, he didn't love her or particularly care about her: she provided an opportunity, he took it. I'm ashamed of his behaviour, certainly and now, so is he. And (as far as I can tell) he doesn't remember the events with very much affection now he realises the implications of his actions and what he so nearly threw away. Luckily he told me what had happened, I didn't have to find out. Even with all the pain I'm glad to be on this side of the fence. I could never act as she did, would never cause this much suffering to another woman, would never permit anyone to risk their children's happiness to service my needs, whatever nonsense a man told me. I would take responsibility for my actions the way any decent woman would. She will always be aware that I know how she lost her dignity and self-respect - that's quite enough.
Absolutely, your revenge is true and just.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a very similar situation. She wanted everything I had. The home, the car, the clothes, the whole life style. She made such a fool of herself to keep him excited, and I mean really a fool. How good she must of felt sending a photo of herself, well lets say, playing with a little toy, or not so little for her. She wanted to know what things I did in bed, what wine I drank, what perfume I wore, where I shopped. Hell, if he wasn't screwing her it's incredibly flattering.
Yes, my husband did wrong, really wrong and we're building and building our relationship and yes, I get down days and when I do, I just think of some mutton dressed as lamb making a fool of herself.
Oh yes, revenge can take many forms.
Hello revenge buddy! I feel very sad now I don't have any photos - perhaps you could share yours? I did however consider sending my very dull OW a not so little toy, courtesy of her department, in case she's lonely at any of those conferences she now attends without the benefit of my husband. But the batteries alone would be so expensive.
ReplyDeleteHello fellow Revenge Buddy,
ReplyDeleteThere was a time when I felt like sharing the photo, but to be honest, it was such a revolting site that I wouldn't put anyone else through it. However, seeing that photo made me feel SO good about myself. Now deleted but I'm sure there are other husbands or single men with similar photos of her
Quite right not to waste your money on a toy for her in case she gets lonely. I often wonder how these women feel in the cold light of day, when they truly confront their behaviour, not the days when they are justifying it, and how they must feel knowing that there could be hundreds/thousands of people laughing at unsavoury images of them. Pretty depressing really.
Good luck with your journey. x
I think it is depressing.
DeleteI also think that many of these women, like our husbands, become masters at compartmentalization. Like Scarlett O'Hara ("I won't think about this today..."), they simply tuck anything disturbing away in their brains. It's a survival strategy from difficult times in their childhoods/lives. Which generally makes me empathize with them.
Most of them are just messed up women. Nothing more, nothing less. Unhealthy people doing harmful things to themselves and others.
Elle
thank you, and with yours x
ReplyDeleteAt least (I assume) there are no naked photos of US anywhere beyond the cute toddler stage in the family album. We can relax.
I'm sure my OW is embarrassed and would rather forget - especially as events turned out as these things generally turn out; in vague disappointment and the feeling you've been played, even if initially you told yourself you were in control, just having fun and in some way 'doing the playing'. I hope the next man she chooses is actually available. But what a stupid and entitled creature she was - all the time imagining no one would get hurt - in reality not thinking about anyone but herself.
We did get hurt. I got hurt, our children were hurt in the general misery after D-Day, the OW didn't get what she wanted, my husband feels like an idiot. Quite rightly - he was an idiot. Luckily for him a much loved idiot. To any man who thinks the OW, though misguided, was your friend: that isn't the way a friend acts - a friend doesn't encourage you to risk your family for a 'sexual adventure'. And absolutely no, you were not the OW's friend either. You had nothing to offer her but that queasy feeling you get when you forget to pack your moral compass.
I can't believe my husband behaved in such a selfish way. But he did. Like so many other men, he did. Now I've worked my way round to feeling I should apologise to her.
Infidelity's a mug's game. But at least it has given us a chance to reassess what we have together and hopefully be kinder and more attentive to each other. In case this makes me sound saintly - just keep that asinine woman several hundred miles away from me, please...
So beautifully said. Thank-you.
DeleteElle
thank you for the site, Elle. There's nowhere else like it x
ReplyDeleteElle and fellow Revenge Buddy,
ReplyDeleteSomething has stuck me most profoundly today whilst reading the blogs on this page. Throughout our journey of tears and heartache, we have gained life skills that we would never have had, we have gained compassion and support from other betrayed wives on this site, we have picked ourselves up and found the good in our marriage and addressed the not so good.
What does the O/W have? Condemnation from most people. I know there are sites which will support these women, however, they always have an air of desperation and "wolfs hunting in packs" about them.
I took a journey on the wrong train, but along the way I found interesting, kind, intelligent and funny people and although I didn't want to step on that train, I would do it again! I've arrived in one piece and it could have been a lot worse without you guys.
The members of this club, on this site, are the most articulate, smart, funny and wonderful women. I am lucky to share my journey with all of you. You're right...it could have been a lot worse.
ReplyDeleteElle
I truely believe the OW in my case really tried to justify to me (but more to herself) her actions for getting involved with my husband, even after originally admitting she just shouldn't have gotten involved with my husband! They really are selfish, and in her case, so incredibly opportunistic, like a burglar walking past an open window of a really nice house....they just couldn't pass it up. But I guess when you're lonely, desperate for affection, and attention, it becomes a case of 'beggars can't be choosers', and in her case, as long as I didn't find out, she was going to keep trying her luck and hang in there for as loooong as possible! So yeah, it's definitely a 50/50 thing, it takes two people with a very self serving frame of mind to keep something like this alive, and also no ability to see past their own nose. It's frustrating to think about, but very eye opening to acknowledge everyones perspectives on 'the other woman' in this particular blog. To me, it represents nothing more than an 'entity' that reflects one womans complete ignorance and disrespect towards another woman, aswell as themselves. Simple.
ReplyDeleteDear Anon,
ReplyDeleteIsn't it incredible that the OW tries to justify what she's done? I like your analogy of a burglar walking past an open window- I see them as rodents stealing food or leeches sucking the blood out. Yes, it is 50/50 and I will deal with my husbands 50%, but when they try and absolve themselves completely, then surely that must constitute rape if they weren't a willing party.
The insight from the betrayed wife in the top letter about her so called " friend" is really very interesting. I almost get the feeling they know they are being lied to, but as you say, they are lonely and desperate. I hope some of them come on here and get a little insight into our lives and how foolish they've been, but also how evil some of their fellow mistresses are. We are all strong women and those of us that have decided to stay fight a battle every day, but at least its an honest battle.
Thankyou, an honest battle it is, and it helps me to hold my chin up a little further when I think of it like that...I cannot put into words the extremeties of the emotions and thoughts that roll through my mind and heart on any given day, let's just say I actually sleep well because of how exhausted it leaves me. I was unfortunate to be put into the position where I was made desperate enough to contact the ow, and in the end, as Elle mentioned in her latest blog response to the 'other woman', the ow in my case did take my already broken heart, and pissed on it with pleasure. This was the first short lived affair my partner has had throughout our relationship (as far as I know), but now he has realised, seen, and absorbed the pain and heartache it has caused for myself and his precious young family who also lived through the misery of it all, it will no doubt be his last. ONE THING, that did come to my mind during my run tonight, which gave me a disturbing sense of comfort, is something I remember this ow telling me in one of her letters to me, was that if it wasn't her that my partner got entangled with, it would've been someone else. But I also came to realize, after discovering how selfish and ignorant she chose to be in her own actions, that if it wasn't MY partner that she had gotten entangled with, it most probably would've just ended up being someone elses too!
ReplyDeleteMosquitos need a host to feed off, unfortunately, our husbands are good prey and our husbands regard them as rather beautiful butterflies at the time when they have their affair glasses on.... They just need swatting.
ReplyDeleteHahaha...I love your idea..."swatting".
DeleteDoes this obsession with the OW ever end? Does it get better? Do i have to live with this hate and anger all my life towards this horrible person.
ReplyDeleteIts been 10 months and i think things are better since D Day, especially that we have been thru alot, and my husband was truely remorceful.
And i have my good days when it all seems so fake or in the past and i'm able to enjoy my marriage, and i have my "i hate you, how could u do this to me, to us!?" Days.
But my feelings towards her have been constant, i cant handle this hate or anger. I never felt that pissed from someone ever in my life! Its not even in my nature to hate! So i decided that may be i shud forgive her, so that I cud move on.
But it seems so hard to forgive her without ever telling her how i feel or yelling at her or understanding what she was thinking, anything to justify her actions, I think i wud buy it just to find relief, or may be an apology, feeling of remorce.. I dunno if i can move on with this much anger and hate inside me. I have been suffering from insomnia for sometime now... I dont want to talk to anyone anymore, everyone has an opinion about something that they are clueless about, including my husband!
Yes, it is not only possible, it is probable. But you can't keep feeding the beast or it only gets stronger. In other words, you need to actively put this woman behind you. That means stopping yourself when you go down that hole of anger. Picture a big read stop sign. Or say, out loud, STOP IT. This is NOT helpful. This is NOT who you are or who you want to be. Or put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it each time you start to think nasty thoughts.
DeleteYou could also, in order to purge the anger, write her a letter. You don't need to mail it. You could even have a ritual burning of it…and with it burn your anger. But write down everything you'd say to her. Give her all your anger and your pain and your disgust. And then…let it go.
I don't know of too many actual meetings between OW and BW that were satisfying or cathartic. Most OW are self-absorbed, blame-shifting, manipulative people who will twist your words and somehow make it all about them. Don't give her the chance. Write your letter, try the behaviour modification techniques and, slowly, you'll release her (and yourself!). Focus on the now.
Elle
All of the entries here are so true. My ow was unhappily married with a child if her own. My husband thought it was safe to be friends w her. Nothing would happen because she was family oriented. He now sees how she manipulated him, pressuring him to turn their relationship sexual. He says (& I believe him) that he told her that she would then pressure him to leave me & our kids (which she did). She even wanted him to pick up & move to another state w her! He says he told her from the beginning he wouldn't, but like most of us, she heard what she wanted.
DeleteNowadays when I want to do something I will sometimes tell my husband, I'm going to do what I want now after all you did. At which point he asks is that how u see this. Meaning that this whole thing is in no way what he wanted. He said he actually feels that he was manipulated. Any woman would have told him beforehand that no woman offers no strings attached sex-- of course she wanted my life, but thinking with his penis he couldn't see it (or chose not to).
-sam
This was not helpful. Because my husband actually left me and my two small children for the married women. He actually fell in love with her lies. Got papers for rentals extra. She was also married and had came from southern Carolina left her husband and two kids just tp have a secret affair while helping her mother move from California. He was so stupid he didnt ven facebook shanna pennell from south Carolina. She was just an unhappy women looking for a safe married man miles from home to keep her company. He never knew she found out he left me and he said he loved her in an email she broke up with him right away as soon as he was serious. And so that proves nothing on his sexual appetite towards thia women. Specially after she sent him dirty pictures a dossen times. .....updated we are working things out and going to Christian based marriage counsling. He treats me better than he ever has and swears I am rhe best he has ever had I. Bed but sadly I cannot fully belive such lies since she had thw blond hair big boobs big butt and I am a skinny readheaded midget who is sick way to often and had a problem with hormones after I had my baby. So now that im pregnant again in only fearing the worst. 8 years of marrage going on nine its been six months since his affair.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It sounds as if you're in a lot of pain...and still believing that his affair was about your shortcomings. It wasn't. It was about HIS shortcomings. If he meant the vow he gave you when you married, then he agreed to "in good and bad". That doesn't mean leaving someone when they have health issues. It doesn't mean going on Facebook and trolling for someone desperate to get out of her own situation.
DeleteYou will never believe his words that you're what he wants until you believe it about yourself. Until you can treat yourself with respect and love, you'll have trouble allowing others to treat you with respect and love.
You're using his affair to confirm everything you believe about yourself. The way you talk about yourself is so incredibly unkind. Language is incredibly powerful. You call yourself a "skinny redheaded midget". How about a fiery-haired petite powerhouse? Or a slim ginger?
I hope you'll seek individual counselling for your own pain and healing. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
It has become my personal observation that unless you experience this directly few people rarely comprehend the corrosive-vastness involved in sexual and emotional "Betrayal." Secrecy and Infidelity's "Unseen Shrapnel." - Residual Fall Out and Long-Term Consequences of "Traumatic Energies Being Exchanged." they (may not be seen) nevertheless reverberate (even into the next generation when children are involved)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your reply its been over a year since i wrote that post. And it was true i am to hard on myself and took to much of the blame on myself. I had a mentle breakdown because i couldnt handle everything. Plus being pregnant. We are still on a journey. Of movi g forward and now have plans for remarriage next year. I had alit of times where i was so overwhelmed. With grief. From his infadelity it seamed i was more obsessed with it then he ever was. With him it was short lived easily forgotten and left behind. But with me it was as tho he left it for me to carry. It got better o e day at a time each day i thought less and less about it. Tho i still had horrible nightmares remembering. Her voice o. The phone mentally. Picturi g them together. For a while there it felt like i was goi g crazy. But one day it just stopped . well not completely. I have my good and bad days. I just needed to stop compari g myself with her. He seams content with my appearance. And well i found love for my red hair i still am working on my self and how i view my body. You were completely. Right in your reply and thank you.
DeleteAnd with lotst of support from my parents and husband with the children. I forgot to mention. Things are easier. And i mostly was just afraid he would leave me with small children. However he did not and dosent have any future plans on it. he is truly remorseful. And i fully belive that now. He wishes he could take it all back and says he wishes he never met the women. I am learni g to trust him again tho it has not been easy and i doubt him often. He seams diffrent somehow as tho. He never thought it would hurt me so deeply or take everything So literal. Like how i view myself. After three kids im not such a skinny redhead any more but i am now more impowered. I tell him things without fear. Fix myself up and go out. I can even hold my head up now because i know it was all just a lie he made up in his mind a story she told him to gain the simpathy girl in distress card. But when the chips fell he knew the only one left who stood by him was me and he acknowledges. That and tells me Nd he needs me and fully see that now so that alone helps
DeleteI'm glad you've learned to love and accept yourself and to realize this was never about you and what you did/didn't have. It was HIS failing, not yours.
DeleteAs for the Other woman/man?
ReplyDeleteNo one seems to graps the (continuing) trauma for betrayed partners regarding impact of managing/and or comprehending psychologically damaged paramours.
(Remorseful and repentant spouses can more easily become the "prodigals." returning-home. However often the "Unremorseful," paramour either slinks aware unrepentant-hiding and/or lashes out with increased-hubris, even violence, towards the healing couple and/or family). These are people incapable of feeling shame and/or politely removing themselves and respectfully going away
Most clinical and social "Focus" goes onto the "Betrayer," the potential prodigal (and reasons for the betrayal) Social opinion laments that something must be wrong with the betrayed spouse. The betrayed partner is immediately instructed towards "Healthy-Positive Self-Care," "Holding down the fort," by attending to the Betraying Partners and/ore family and children. Any emotionality from the Betrayed Spouse is Suspect, socially/privately viewed as pathological - if not "appropriately," contained.
ReplyDeleteCompletely overlooking the overall - "Criminal Self-Absorption," of ALL parties involved including the surrounding culture which promotes infidelity
Dr. Omar Minwall views sex-addiction as a "Problem with Intimacy." His work focuses on the betrayed and developed 13 dimensions of Trauma induced PTSD. I'd add some more. Because we not only deal with the initial sexual betrayal and all 13 Dimensions of Induced Trauma but suddenly a once faceless co-partner becomes a reality. We are more than likely confronting the, "Intent to Harm," and Severe Intimacy Terrorism Perpetrated by Toxic Paramours and/or potentially-negative characters involved.
ReplyDeleteAs a betrayed spouse we not only deal with initial sexual betrayal and all 13 Dimensions of Induced Trauma but suddenly a once faceless co-partner becomes a reality. We are now more than likely confronting the "Intent to Harm," and Severe Intimacy Terrorism Perpetrated by Toxic Paramours and or/potentially-harmful characters involved.
ReplyDeleteOften - underground-Hatred, Rage, Spite, Greed, Malice, Sinister - Condescension, Envy, Theft, Faux-Probity, False Witness, Jealousy and Self-Righteousness,(mere examples) of potent ingredients in this "love" bomb, potion are directed at unsuspecting/unaware partners and spouses of the targeted "Love-Object."
ReplyDeleteThere is no doubt in my mind that having an affair with a married partner sends all types of negative energy towards the betrayed spouses.
How many of us remember the moment we realized that another person (secretly) regarded us as the person and object to "get rid of?" Someone to diminish, character-assassinate, and destroy. (Like Shakespeare's Iago. How could Desdemona ever comprehend her sad destiny amidst such random/banal hatred.
ReplyDeleteThe betrayed spouse faces cultural backlash, where personal experience and private anguish is minimized and greatly misunderstood.
ReplyDeleteMy observation is that the betrayed partners not only face a "Partners" - betrayal i.e. (Hatred) They also face all the "Hate," directed at them from the affair partner(s) along with colluding individuals/collaborating institutions/ and other social "Shadow," throw into the drama and "Karma," surrounding them.
There is no closure for the betrayed spouse.
The metaphor of "The foundation of a house fragmenting, slowly or suddenly or both."
ReplyDeleteLike a car accident and/or like "A drop of Ink in water."
Betrayal is like a hit and run
Made worse when victims are told to "Get a grip," "Deal with it," and walk home in the dark - alone
But the truth is we are not alone look at this amazing website and all of us!
Countless numbers of men and women suffering quietly unable to begin to comprehend whats happening...but by reaching out to each other and finding our "voice." This alone sets us apart and makes us stronger.....
The best revenge is to: 1. Not say anything to the OW. Act as if she is invisible. She will go crazy and reveal herself. 2. Be quiet with your husband. The OW became so enraged (she was a family friend), her true self and motives were revealed. I wasn't nasty to her, I told her that my marriage was bt me and my husband, and that she couldn't be involved. If he made her promises, lied, etc., that was HER problem, not mines. It is driving her crazy not to know the state of our relationship, and my husband is so angry at her for lying and making a spectacle, he'll never talk to him again (I made him call and confess to his entire family).
ReplyDeleteI survived my husband's affair and our marriage is amazing now. It wasn't easy but worth it. If he's thinking of leaving for OW pack his bags and make him leave. It's one thing to sneak around and have no responsibilities with OW it's quite another to have to support her and pay child support and spousal support. The sooner you can pop the affair illusion bubble the sooner he will look at his OW and realize she is not worth it. Men always cheat down because a good woman never goes that route. There was a time your husband chose to marry YOU. If you're 50 pounds heavier than when you got married then you have some work to do. The hardest working people at the gym are divorcees. Get moving. Even just seeing you go on walks and put on makeup will make him remember how he felt about you. Be nice but know you're worth!! I can't stress that enough. Don't beg him to stay. You dont want him to stay out of pity. The only thing the OW does that you don't is flatter your husband and put him on a pedestal. Put yourself on a pedestal higher so he has to reach to attain you. The OW is cheap and easy. When your husband sees you make sure he sees the woman he married, not a crying wreck. Know your worth. A wife is ALWAYS more valuable than an OW. They're just an easy drive th r ough. Make your husband crave filet mignon again.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 6 years since discovery of his 2 year affair(s). (been married 22 years now) Went through 2 years of therapy with a renowned couples counselor. A year and a half after his affair, after he still wouldn't come clean, I had an affair of my own, and with a guy who was cheating on someone else. I was actually seduced by a counselor I had gone to for help. I felt I was staying in the marriage because I wanted him to live and not commit suicide. He told me he felt no jealousy over my affair. I was ready to leave him for the other guy and the other guy stayed with his LTR instead. So I find myself in this marriage. We love each other dearly, but there is no sex anymore. It feels like some kind of comfortable, loving, friendly limbo that will collapse the second either one of us has our libido re-ignited by someone other than ourselves. We don't have any reason to stay together...no children, not for money. But we remain in this relationship anyway. I miss sex, but we are both older. I keep wanting to find a sexual partner outside our marriage, but keep stopping myself because it all seems so hopeless. In conclusion: I got to see what it was like from the perspective of a faithful, trusting, innocent spouse, and from the perspective of the conniving, selfish OW. I am just dazed now, and think that most of us are at the core innocent and just seeking the will to live a life of passion. Though the marriage I am in sounds pretty awful (sexless) there has been an awakening of the preciousness of the fragile nature of life and each other. We appreciate the things that we bring to each other verbally and emotionally on a daily basis, even if it isn't sex. I tell him how I feel, about my urges to cheat in order to have a sex life again, and he understands. There is even a chance he is cheating now, though it doesn't seem likely based on basic knowledge of him and his movements, etc. , but I never feel sure. I know that I have never betrayed my own ideal of being honest and open about what I am thinking and feeling with him and others. Many of you may feel that I am evil for having my own affair with someone with another LTR, and you may be right. I only feel human. I do have a less judgmental attitude about others faults. But I still feel the same burn when I think about the betrayal. It still hurts my gut. Because of this, I do a lot of pretending, by not letting on that it still makes me want a divorce. I don't bring it up much, and never with anger at all, just curiosity every once in awhile. I am just a human among the walking wounded.
ReplyDeleteThe OW is a dirty desperate skank cause she's already involved with the cheater by the time he "confides" in her about how unhappy he is, that his wife treats him poorly, is such a bitch, he's just with her for the sake of the kids & all the other bullshit lies she's dumb enough to believe!
ReplyDeleteIf he's so self-sacrificing that he's willing to live this so called unhappy life just for the kids then why doesn't he try to work on his marriage instead of destroying it for his own kids?
Usually when the wife finds out it's the hoe-ribble side-bitch that gets dumped!