This year, a houseful of family and friends gathered. Some I see regularly; others I see only once a year but all are cherished.
This year, three of the women at our party are dealing with betrayal. One friend told me about it at the party. She just found out a week ago, though she has suspected for ages.
As another of those women said to me, when I told her of the others, "don't you wish you could just save them all?"
And yes, I do. I wish I could save all of you from the agony of this. I wish I could give each of you a hug and remind you, as often as you need to hear it, that you do not deserve this. I wish I could convince each of you that the day will come when the pain of this experience won't have the same sting. That you'll get through this. That the day will come when you can look back on this, not as something you're glad of, but as something you learned from. As an experience that took you from one place in your life to a better place. Where you value yourself. Where you can give yourself deep compassion for being imperfect. And where you can extend that compassion even to those who've hurt you, whether or not you continue to share your heart and body with them.
In the meantime, while I might not be on this site as often over the next week or so, I think of your stories. They stay with me. And I wish you all a measure of peace over the holidays.
If at all possible, take time each day to sit alone. Remind yourself, in that moment, that you are fine. That you are strong. That you will get through this.
I promise you will.
Thank you Elle just what I needed to hear this Christmas morning. You have/are saving so many women out there. You have a wonderful gift.
ReplyDeleteI am also thinking of all the hurt women out there this Christmas morning, I'm sharing the pain and together we will come through this stronger and wiser. Please btw keep posting over this period because for many it will be the only support many women have.
Xxxx
Thanks for that.
ReplyDelete"Enjoying" the holiday with a visit by my father in law, who invited himself to see us for Christmas--bought tickets and sent an email saying he was coming. He is text book narcissist. A psychiatrist would have a field day. In other words, a very dysfunctional person. So I get to see the source of my husbands' personal failures up close for 9 days. So yeah, I got pain piled upon pain.
Finding moments of joy with my amazing kids who for some reason are not fried by presents and sugar at 7 pm tonight. Hope others can do the same.
MBS,
DeleteI'm glad you're able to find moments of joy with your kids. Sometimes those little snippets of peace can remind us that we're still capable of feeling something other than pain.
As for your father-in-law…nine DAYS??? Good Lord, I hope you have patience. I have my 24-hour rule. After 24 hours with my husband's family, I refuse to accept responsibility for what I might do/say. Since I implemented that rule, my husband has been careful to ensure his family doesn't stay longer than 24 hours. :)
One thing about seeing what your husband had to grow up with is that it might give you greater insight into why he's done what he's done. As my therapist once said to me, re. my mother-in-law…"You can barely stand 24 hours…imagine your husband as a child living with that day-in, day-out with no means of escape."
Elle
I am a year and 8 months from D day. I chose to stay for whatever reason. We have been through counseling and everything. I am still bitter. Even though I know it is not my fault. I feel everyday that I should have left. I feel like being together is the best thing for my daughter. I have not slept in the same bed except when we travel to family get-togethers. The holidays for me have been ok at best. I feel like I will never be able to forward honestly. Some days I just want to walk away from everything and just start my life completely over in another state or country. I will forever think that he was in love with her even though he says he wasn't. I believe that he wishes he could be her and that I was just the only option left since she moved on to someone else. My heart breaks almost daily. I thought it would get better but it seems to get worse for me and I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.
ReplyDeleteThatblackseluchic,
DeleteHave you sought therapy? You sound like you're still in so much pain. After close to two years, I wouldn't expect you to be "over" it, but I would hope the pain had been dulled and that life was beginning to look good again.
Have you also sought marital counselling? I'm thinking that there's still a lot of hurt there that hasn't been examined and put to rest. You can't go through life feeling like the consolation prize. You wouldn't want that for your daughter and you don't want it it for yourself.
Please find someone you can talk to who can help you sort through your feelings and figure out a way to save yourself, your marriage or both.
Elle
Well, my husband let me down, he ripped my heart apart, but he's here with me. Not because I asked him to stay, in fact I told him to go and even made it so easy for him. I gave him my blessing to continue with the choice he made, wished him all the luck in the world. He asked to prove to me that he could be a better man. I told him it would be a long hard ride and I didn't think he would last the course. I wanted complete transparency, never to contact her again ( even though it was over when I found out) and wanted to be spoilt, cherished, and loved for who I always was.
ReplyDeleteTherapy was something else he had to enter along with marriage counselling. I was a total utter bitch in the first few months, I wouldn't give an inch. I humiliated him by laughing my head off about her, I showed him distasteful things about her, I woke him most nights to remind him what an embarrassment he was. Basically, I was doing everything in my power to make sure he was staying for the right reasons or pushing him to go. Total madness I know.
Things are more normal now, I had to wait and not give in until I had complete, or as complete as it ever will be, disclosure from him. He has regretted every single moment of being with her. The word he kept using for her was " needy" always needy and always wanting to know about me and our life.
As Elle has said before, what they got we don't want, and my husband confirmed this in the early stages when I asked what she had, and he replied, absolutely nothing apart from bad taste and poor morals. He said it would break his heart if I was anything like her. Huh! strange isn't it that they pick these women. He said he just knew she was an easy sleaze bag. its been a long hard road for him unravelling why and how he got caught up in this. Opportunity, flattery, depression and upbringing and the fact that once he crossed that line, he felt that there was no way back.
Its been a peaceful holiday time for us, no great dramas, no highs and no lows. I wish each and everyone of you a better 2014 and I promise you, things can improve. Take the road slowly, don't rush the recovery and cherish yourself. If you're still on this journey and trying ( albeit with difficulty at times) then you are all remarkable, strong and inspirational women.
Every day seems harder than the last. And I too think of jumping on a plane to another Country and escaping my world. Maybe I'll come and visit you all in America ;)
DeleteMy husband is trying very very hard to make amends. The hardest thing for me is the jealousy knowing that he fancied and wanted her. And I guess that he meet someone after being with me for over 30 years that wanted him. He's 60 in Feb and she has just turned 50
He keeps saying that it was not very nice, that it was not what I imagine. But deep down I know that he had very strong feelings for her and for that I'm sad.
He has told me things but being a women I want to know and ask more. for him it is over, it was a mistake and he wants us to forget and move on. He has now started to get angry with me for keep 'bringing it up'!
We had a very good marriage until the Business (that I pushed for) went wrong and we lost our house. I think that was the reason, I'll never now if it was just the moment he meet someone and she wanted him back?
I've had a lovely Xmas, my children being my strength. I have enjoyed my 1st Xmas with my 1st Grandson although I felt all-day that my husband had no right to Xmas Day or our Grandson as my D-day was around the time that he was born. Even that memory was taken from me.
I still feel that when I'm strong maybe I will have an affair?? As long as he's single. I wonder how all these husbands would feel it was on the other foot
Can't wait for 2013 to go, it started with an argument. Other than my Grandson it has been a year that nothing else can be thrown at me.
HAPPY New Year to everyone on this site
Jane and Anonymous,
DeleteThat desire to escape and start over can be incredibly strong. We imagine that we'll shake off the pain and start fresh. Tempting…but not real. The pain will travel along with us until we work through it.
And there is so much pain. I know that. Betrayal triggers so many of our own insecurities and makes us feel incredibly vulnerable. And that's a scary feeling.
What finally made a dent in my own pain was the realization that his affair really wasn't about me. That it was two incredibly damaged people working out their own drama. It also helps to recognize that "different" isn't "better". It's just "different". And "different" can feel incredibly tempting to someone who's feeling old and stale and unappreciated himself.
Sadly, it sometimes takes "different" for our husbands to truly recognize just how deeply they love us. To face their own demons and come to a more mature understanding of love and marriage and commitment. Some guys never get to that point. They just keep going through "different" wondering why they ultimately end up feeling the same malaise.
But the smart guys figure it out and work like hell to rebuild what they've destroyed.
Our challenge is to work through our own pain and come to a deeper appreciation of our own gifts and strengths. To understand that, with or without him, we are whole and worthy. You'll get there. And you might just find it was (almost) worth the struggle.
Elle
What u say is so true. From what I've read women cheat up men cheat down. That's why we can't understand whom they cheated with, but they didn't really choose, it's just who offered. Evolutionarily speaking they just need to sow their oats. Women on the other hand evolutionarily speaking need a good provider.
DeleteI also compared myself to ow in an email to my husband where he emailed me back no contest, that I blow her out of the water.
U r also right about no turning back. It sounds crazy, but once it happened it was the path of least resistance to keep it going rather than break up with her.
-sam
I just posted this on Shawn's blog. I thought it would be appropriate here, too.
ReplyDeleteMy problem over the holidays has been worrying that my husband might be waiting to tell me something until after the holidays are over. You know, to save my feelings.
There's absolutely no reason to think this. No hints that he's having an affair again. No indication that he's unhappy with our marriage or with me. No gut feelings. No secretive behavior. Nothing. It's just an idea that came to mind and stuck in my head ever since.
It has been 21 months since D-Day. Our recovery has been very, very good, with no trickle truth, complete transparency, both of us working hard, complete remorse on his part. And yet I still have stupid worries like this! It just goes to show you how destructive affairs are and how difficult it is to completely recover and "move on."
I did tell him about this worry the day after Christmas, and his reassurance was instant and completely convincing. So I feel better now. But still -- what a horrible thing to deal with!
Mountainsailing,
DeleteI still deal with this occasionally. I was driving home from an out-of-town meeting a few months ago and I was suddenly struck with the notion that my husband was cheating. I didn't know with whom. But I was SURE. I walked into the house, told him I needed to talk to him privately and told him (in a way I was utterly incapable of the first time around) that I knew what he was up to and I would not put up with it. That he should leave. He was baffled…and almost amused by it. I had no evidence. He offered up his phone, his computer, his whatever I needed. And he reassured me, again, that he will never put me through that again. That's he's working hard to make sure he doesn't go down that path.
And I realized that this was old stuff rearing its ugly head. Because I know it CAN happen, it can be easy to think it WILL happen.
That's where communication is crucial. To be able to share our fears. I'm glad your husband recognized that this was a chance to make the marriage stronger.
Elle
I'm blown away by the fact that this happens to you, too. That we can be SO unsure of our husbands, still. And these are the good ones, the husbands who are remorseful and doing their best to make things better. What a debilitating thing this is!
DeleteSorry, I've been a bit depressive the past couple of days. Time to try to pull myself up out of the muck.
Mountainsailing
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased you told your husband your fear and that you feel reassured by his response. I too get days when I'm convinced that my husband is ' up to something' like you I have no evidence whatsoever, however once we put these thoughts into our heads they can be very difficult to banish. And really all were crying out for is some reassurance that we will not be hurt like this again. So rest assured your not alone with these thoughts.
2013 wil always be a year of rememberence for me not because of the affair, but because I gave birth to my second son whom I adore.
Let's try make 2014 special for us and our families leaving them horrible memories of the affair in 2013 x x
Sam,
DeleteI can't tell you how much that helps. I really appreciate the support! And it's always such a relief to know these feelings are normal.
You're right about just needing reassurance. I remind my husband that once I a while, and maybe it's time to remind him again.
Yes, let's look towards a better and happier new year. :)
Elle,
ReplyDeleteIt's so comforting to hear that you too have these feelings and fears. I put you on such a high pedestal for the endless work You do for btw. You should be nominated for a special award, I'm still thinking which one that should be : ). Truly I believe people have special gifts for a reason and you are one of them people. I have met a handful of people in my life who I believe are remarkable and inspirational I've added you to that list.
This site has brought my healing on so much I recommend it to everyone and anyone lol. I'm so pleased I found you btw.
X x x
Sam,
DeleteYour words mean a lot to me. But please know that I'm you…and you're me. As Brené Brown says, the most powerful words in the world are "me too."
This site has done so much for my own healing. That I've been able to share my pain and my progress with women who actually get it is enormously gratifying. Betrayal is lonely. This site makes us all a bit less lonely.
Elle
Just thought I would share this. Watched a film last night, one lady asked a wise old man, " Why did my husband cheat on me" his reply... " He didn't cheat on you, he cheated himself of your love and respect" x
ReplyDeleteThat's so true. And I honestly believe it's step #1 on the road to recovery -- recognizing that his affair was about his own stuff. That he was cheating himself, not only of your respect but, even worse, his own.
DeleteThank-you for sharing this. I'm curious…what movie?
Elle
I would also like to know what movie and I would like to know if we could compile a list of good movies that have NO adultery in them. We used to love to watch movies together, now, it seems every single movie has someone having an affair. I need some safe movies to enjoy with my husband again. Any genre, any age, just good, safe movies.
DeleteLove that quote. It is so true.
DeleteAlso finding alot of healing from Brene Brown. I have shared some of her YouTubes with my husband and it is helping us both.
Hi Elle and Everyone,
ReplyDeleteThe film is called " Driving Aphrodite" and the wise man is played by Richard Dreyfuss. It was a film my 13yr old daughter asked me to watch, its not a film per se about infidelity but that one sentence hit a chord with me, its kind of corny but I loved it.
I too find it difficult to watch certain films now. There was a recommendation from this site for " Fireproof" which my husband and I both watched together and really enjoyed. One film which is " Safe" is the film with Bette Midler and Billy Crystal called " parental control"
Films to avoid ( and they used to be favourites of mine) are Bridges of Madison County and Falling in love, with De Niro and Streep. Ones to avoid post affair.
We need a darn good film showing the true reality of affairs and I cannot think of one apart from the obvious Fatal Attraction.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy husband and i were trying to find "safe" movie for at-home New Years Eve viewing, too. Really hard to come up with something unless we go Disney...We watched Fireproof last month on this sites recommendation and enjoyed it. C in Lutz
There is one good movie about affairs that I know of. In fact, I learned about it here, on Elle's blog, then watched it. It's very down to earth and real about what really happens and how people really feel.
ReplyDeleteElle's review is here:
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2012/07/movie-review-last-waltz.html
Of course, there will be triggers watching it. I had to stop halfway through because the "first kiss" scene made me start crying uncontrollably. But then I watched the rest, and I actually found it to be helpful. I especially liked that they didn't sugarcoat what affairs really do to everyone involved.
It has been 18 days since d-day. I can't imagine ever being ok right now. My husband won't stop apologizing and telling me "wonderful things" about me and the future. He wants to make it all better but the harder he tries the more he hurts me. It all feels so fake. I hate what he has turned me into, a sad miserable person.
ReplyDeleteI am encouraged that you and so many others have gotten through this pain. But I am having a hard time believing that there will be light at the end of my tunnel.
Dear anon... Exactly one year and 15 days ago I was in your exact spot. Yes, you will make it through this. It's rough going and the blackness is sometimes overwhelming. But I'm here to tell you that you WILL survive. Breathe. The insane train will stop. Give yourself time and be gentle on yourself. You are in trauma. Get help and get into counseling and let your husband keep apologizing. Let him see your hurt and your pain. He must understand how his poor choices have affected you. I don't know if you are a woman of faith in God, but if you are, then let Jesus help you carry this burden and trust that you are a beautiful and wonderfully made creation that the Heavenly Father adores. You are loved and accepted here thanks to Elle, and I'm sure she will have words of comfort for you. She always does. You are tougher than you think, and you will have the light at the end of your tunnel.
DeleteAnon,
DeleteAs Barb says, we've all been in your spot. I honestly believed I'd never feel joy again. That I would never go a day without crying. And that was true for a long time. But slowly, with time and a dedication to healing, I got past this. And you will too.
As Barb (above) says, focus on breathing. It sounds ridiculous…but slowing down your breathing and just staying in the moment can go a long way toward keeping you grounded and reducing anxiety.
Barb is also wise in suggesting that you seek counselling. It's great that your husband recognizes how hurtful his actions have been but without a positive strategy going forward, the apologies will wear thin.
As for being a sad miserable woman…I've been there. I remember telling my husband he had "ruined me". Turns out…not so much. In fact, I often write here about how my husband's betrayal (though I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) has taught me so much about who I am, what I stand for and forced me to face down some of my own demons.
I promise the light is indeed waiting at the end of the tunnel. But you have to do the work of getting there.
Elle
Happy New Year to everyone here and especially to Elle, who through her wise words and her warmth has made our progress a little easier and a little safer.
ReplyDeleteIris,
DeleteThank-you…and to you and all the women here. I love my community of betrayed wives. Here's to 2014. A year in which we'll all make it a bit further along our paths.
Elle
Hi ladies,
ReplyDeleteI am 14 weeks post d day, I thought there was no pain like the pain of finding out about the affair my husband had. On New Year's Day my father was rushed into hospital with multiple organ failure as a family we were asked to make a life changing decision. The doctors made it clear that my dad was nearing the end of his life. Right there I felt a surge of pain straight through my heart something I'd never experienced before. I was faced with losing my father. I believe in god and i asked friends and family to prayer for my father. The strength of prayer got my dad through the night something doctors said he wouldn't do, he is still here and fighting today so my request to all you btw is that infidelity is cruel it's heartbreaking it's one of them situations you want to avoid at all costs, losing a parent or fear of losing a parent is another one of them situations. We learn how strong we are when we are faced with these difficult situations, be strong, have faith and know you will get through this I promise x x
Sam A,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through with your father. It's hard to lose a parent. My mom passed away just weeks after D-Day #2…and she had been my absolute rock. However, I was ready to let her go and I think that can make a big difference in how one views death. I knew I would spend the rest of my life missing her…but I also knew that I needed to let her go. Time will tell whether it's your dad's time to go or whether he'll find his way back. Either way, I know this has been difficult for you. Sounds like you have a great dad who raised a great daughter. That's a legacy to be proud of.
Elle
Sam A, I am so sorry. It is so unfair that infidelity doesn't make us immune from more tragedy. It doesn't even grant a temporary reprieve.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace..
Elle,
ReplyDeleteMy father passed away shortly after I wrote the last entry, I didn't want to let him go but I understand that the time was right for him. All his children were with him. He wasn't in any pain. 6 hours after losing him I am in total shock and disbelief. Who'd have thought I would be going through this. I can't compare this to the affair, the affair does not come close. God only knows how the next few days/ weeks will be for us as a family. Thanks for your support Elle, I now understand how difficult losing a parent is. So sorry you had to endure such pain so soon after d day. God def knows how to test us x x
Sam,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm glad he was able to go surrounded by those who love him best. Lucky man indeed. But yes, you're left to live in a world without him.
I hope, with time, you'll hang on to all the gifts he gave to you and recognize that he's still with you. I had an incredible dream not long after my mom died in which I woke up (in my dream) and she was in my bedroom. I told her "mom, I don't want to wake up because everyone will tell me you're dead." She looked at me in that way she always had and said, "But sweetie, you and I are both know I'm right here."
I woke (for real) the next morning feeling like I'd actually been with her. And ever since then, I've believed that she is with me, even when I can't always feel her. My cousins, who also dream about their mom, call these dreams "visits". I hope you get a "visit" from your dad. And yes, I know I sound nuts. But I really don't think I am.
Hang in there, Sam. Tested indeed.
Elle
My father passed away when I was 15 and I still miss him terribly, but do not discount the grief of the affair...in many ways, the affair was HARDER to deal with because the emotional wounds are repeatedly re-opened, whereas a death is, well, final - and allows you to grieve without it being ripped open over and over and over, especially if the spouse continues seeing the other woman. I've heard others say the same. Beware of expecting it to hurt "less" than a death and undermining your own healing.
DeleteI lost a dear friend 1 month after d-day#2. She would have been the person I would have leaned on the most during this but I couldn't because she was in her last days of her battle with cancer. I even missed my last opportunity to see her because I was reeling from d-day #1. I had no idea that she was so short of time. I am still bitter that my husband's behavior caused me to miss seeing her before she passed.
DeleteBut nonetheless, her life was so vibrant and positive that I found courage from remembering her and mourning with her other friends. Several weeks ago she visited me in a dream and gave me a deep hug that I could feel in my body after I woke up. It was amazingly healing.
What a beautiful wish! And you are doing so much for us virtually! It was a huge source of strength and validation for me when I found this blog! Have a beautiful year!
ReplyDeleteElle,
ReplyDeleteThat's not nuts at all Elle, I hope I get a 'visit' from my dad at some point in the future. We are holding the funeral in 4 hours so it's going to be a difficult and tiring day ahead. I don't feel as lonely with family and friends around me it's when they go that I will really feel the pain, but as I've learnt on here we have to keep going through the pain. Thank you for all your support you can't imagine how grateful I am x
We buried my father yesterday, something I never imagined doing. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing he has gone to a better place where he will be with his parents again. The last few days have been exhausting, confusing and very very sad. In all this trauma I must mention how brilliant my husband has been he arranged all the funeral arrangements and has been a rock to me and my family. He has proved his worthiness to me and I'm so proud of him. 14 weeks post d day and I'm pretty damn sure I made the right decision by giving him another chance. Time doesn't stand still for anyone so whilst we are recovering from infidelity we are now dealing with the loss of my father which is a lot to deal with for any couple.
ReplyDeleteMy father god bless his soul is a feisty character and fought for every minute of his life. I vow to do the same, dad would be proud x x
I've no doubt he would be proud, Sam.
DeleteElle
DDay was Christmas Eve, followed a few days after by a family vacation. Falling apart inside while trying to not let my kids see was difficult. I've spent the last two days since returning and the with the kids back at school devouring this blog. It has helped me make sense of so much. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others get through this devastating situation.
ReplyDeleteMYR
MYR,
DeleteGlad you found us. Hang in there. When you're ready, feel free to share your story. I too found out right before Christmas and it was really hard to "celebrate" for my kids when I was falling apart inside.
Elle
In the comments of Marital Magic Bullet post you told someone that the WH needs to end things with OW with the BS' awareness (either there when he makes the call or copied on the e-mail). I suggested WH email and copy me, but he wants to call, saying a call can take care of everything, she can say what she needs to say and it will prevent back and forth (though I say Blocking her from your email and all other sites would do that) and it will take away some of the guilt he has regarding OW (who knew he was married and what she was getting into). If he calls with the idea if also letting her respond should I insist on being there considering she might divulge things I probably don't want to know? He has agreed to my demands that I access to all his electronics and passwords, he wants to go to counseling and has said he wants his family and to make things right. He says if I insist, he'll send the email instead of calling. What do you suggest?
DeleteMYR
MYR,
DeleteI think, too often, the cheating spouse is more worried about the OW's feelings than his spouse's feelings. I think you need to present a united front to the OW -- make it clear that you two stand together and that she is not welcome. That's what copying you on an e-mail or including you in a phone call does. It isn't for "closure". It's simply to state that there is to be "no contact" going forward. That's it. Simple and quick. And then you two get to the business of rebuilding your marriage as a team.
I'm sure your husband hates feeling like the bad guy and hates having to be cold and clinical. But this is about helping you. It's about making clear his allegiance to you. That's the thing about affairs -- somebody is always going to get hurt. Better her than you.
Elle
MYR- I feel you.
ReplyDeleteDDay #1 (told me about the then 4 week long affair, no sex, fooling around,) was 4 days before son's birthday party. I had to email the OW and tell her don't bother coming.
DDay # 2 (he slept with her while I took the kids on a trip so he could have time to "think") was 2 weeks before my daughter's birthday party. I was desperate to cancel but a few guests knew by then and showed up for support.
I didn't think I could survive the parties but I did, somehow. So like Elle says, hang in there. And keep reading this blog!
After thinking about it I called WH back at work (on a very busy day during which he has important conference calls and things due) and told him not to call but to send an email, going on to remind him that his only obligation is to me and our marriage. Our vows said "forsaking all others"(even though we are where we are because he broke that vow). Her being hurt is not my concern and has no bearing on our marriage nor does his guilt regarding hurting her. That is something he will have to live with, just like I have to live with the hurt he caused me.
ReplyDeleteHe was choked up and could barely say "ok" before hanging up the phone. I emailed WH later reiterating what I said about emailing OW, but told him in the end you make the final decision he needs to CHOOSE which action he thought is wisest and best in helping us move on.
I should add that all of this is happening on what started out to be what I thought was going to be a good day after the first truly restful night of sleep since DDay 2 weeks ago following a really good talk during which WH tearfully apologized for as he said "being an ass the last week" and not being sensitive to my being hurt and upset.
I didn't feel that way. It seemed to me he was rather patient (maybe not right word) as I would run away from the dinner table at the restaurant to the restroom or from our hotel room to the restroom in the lobby so I could have my crying fits without my kids seeing.
MBS - there have been a couple of times that I went somewhere with the kids and he went traipsing off with OW, literally seeing us off at the airport minutes before greeting her flight, then getting on another plane for a romantic vacation.
MYR
MYR,
DeleteWell done. It's crucial to establish clear boundaries around what you will and will not accept (this is a lesson we should all know from childhood but few of us actually do). It's now up to him. You've made clear your wishes.
Now…make it a "good day". You're actually doing really well. I think I was still curled up in a ball at this point post-D-Day. That you're able to form a coherent sentence is a miracle. Give yourself a hug.
Elle