I didn't realize how beaten down I was for the last several years. Jack, bosses, companies, mom, kids all hammering away. Bending, bending to everyone's will. It was the affair that finally broke the branch, tipped the scales and I fell a very long way down. Someone finally broke me all the way. I wasn't trying to save my marriage at first, I was trying to save me. I was afraid for several months that this time was the sucker punch of the grand knock out. I couldn't get up , I'm not going to rally, I can't see any light in the tunnel and it's so dark every day, there is not going to be any ladder to climb out. But I'm rebuilding "me" one brick at a time.
Lynn, That's exactly what you should be doing. Rebuilding yourself. And that can actually be the proverbial silver lining in all this -- that chance to reclaim yourself when you've been everything to everyone for so long. Don't worry about the marriage right now. It's time to focus on you.
My heart breaks for you. I know how you fill, I thought things were getting much better and then this week has rolled around. Saturday we will be our 39th wedding anniversary, my 5 months since Dday. I fill like my heart has been cut out. I didn't know that this week was going to be this hard. It's killing me. We went to vote and to eat a hamburger and fries H. got a soft drink because seniors get free ones. I knew that wouldn't be good and sure enough before we got home he started trying to pick an argument. Who ever said it takes two to argu has never been around my husband. I begged him honey please it ok whatever you say is fine. It doesn't matter. He's got in this terrible habbit of driving on the wrong side of the road so as he says he's not having to hold up traffic when he makes left turns. When I mentioned it to him that he was going to get a ticket or cause an accident I think that's what got him started. He was in the wrong side of the highway a car was coming at us and another car was pulling out of the road he was turning on. I figured it was his blood sugar but that doesn't help much. The rest of day out was a tipkel day out for the two of us. Sometimes I would rather take a beating that to ride with him. He said Saturday we can get a movie and eat out. He's so nice he want eat without a coupon buy one get one free and he always takes the free one lol. It's a good thing that the whores didn't have a coupon with there services. He would have had fun. I was talking to my best friend yeasterday and was telling her about the girls and I couldn't believe that I hadn't told her about our daughter moving. I tell her everything now I do well just checking in with her a few times a week. I heard just today that you have a hard time doing what you use to do. I know I sure have, the harder I try I just can't do it. It takes all my engery just to keep myself going and my head above water. I can't remember if I said something or ask him something the other day but he said he just wanted to forget it. I wish I could just forget it. I was doing so well till this week now I fill like I might have to start over.
Lossing, It's called "recycling" and it's not the same thing as going right back to the starting point. You'll continue to go back, now and again, into those painful feelings and thoughts. And when he's treating you with disrespect, it's more likely that you'll "recycle" those old feelings. I'm worried about you driving with him, frankly. It's dangerous. I would urge you to make it clear that unless he will follow the rules of the road, you won't be able to be in the car with him. Don't be angry. Simply make it clear that you won't risk your life. I suspect you've never really established clear boundaries with him about what you will and won't tolerate. In the meantime, you'll find that certain dates/holidays will trigger those painful feelings. Stay with them. Trust that they won't last and that each time you'll emerge a bit stronger. And yes, that brain-fog is a common experience. Don't be hard on yourself. It gets better.
it has been just over 2 months from my D day. everyday gets just a littlw bit easier. today was the first time i woke in the morning and my first thought WASNT the OW. the rest of the day has been consuming my thoughts, but for just a split second i woke living for ME - and NOT for her. i chalk that up to a pretty good morning these days. my H Is still open to talking about things when i need to talk, but lately i feel as though i have had the questions all answered. i keep telling myself (elle, in your words exactly), there is no need to "pain seek" today and re live questions that i already know the answers to. the mind movies have somewhat subsided, with the use of the elastic band especially. so thank you for that too elle. i know why and how the affair happened, and although i feel everyday is getting easier, especially with looking at my H as MY HUSBAND now, the lingering thought continues.... why and how could a woman do this to another woman full well knowing he was married with a family? how could someone care so little about someone elses family? i battle with myself daily refraining from writing the OW and asking HOW qnd WHY she could do this. i think its partially because i have my H's story, but feel somewhat incomplete without hers. she was the one to tell me about the affair, but it was it a.hateful way to hurt my H for hurting her when he decided to end it with her. so all in all this quote is true. we will all.survive one way or another, but slowly this will not consume my whole being, or my whole day.
You're on your way!! Try and let go of the need to know the OW's story. It's a sad tale of woe by someone who doesn't believe she's worthy of self-respect and is, therefore, incapable of respecting anyone else. We've heard it all before. Keep the focus on yourself and your own healing. That's where peace comes.
I also keep saying what kind of whore (all of my husbands emotional & physical & sexting affairs were with married women) does this with a married man? Well obviously someone who is selfish & doesn't care abt breaking up her OWN family let alone his. These women have no self respect so use sleeping with men to boost their ego.
2 of the women, 1 physical & 1 emotional affair are either divorced now or in the process. But the 1st sexual affair partner from 10 years ago is still married with children & lives about 10 min away from us. I told my h I fantasize about telling her husband, not because I think he has a right to know (he does), but because I want to destroy her life te way it feels she destroyed mine. However, I don't want hurting her children & possibly tearing their family apart on my conscience. Although I didn't commit the adultery I don't want to be the cause of pain to her innocent kids. And I feel better, because I tell myself THAT is one of the MANY ways that I am better than she or any of the OW.
I couldn't stand the thought of celebrating my anti-versary on Nov. 10th either. I decided it would be better to choose a random day each year to celebrate our new marriage. In my mind I said I divorced that other guy, asshole anyway. I chose a time in September. He choose a day in October. He bought me a blue diamond necklace yes this is the guy who previously bought me a vacuum. It triggered me because he bought his whore a 14k gold necklace for Xmas and me a cast iron pot(no kidding). The necklace he bought me was smaller and cost less than his whores. I said thank you but didn't put it on. I called my sister and said am I nuts any woman would love this. She suggested it might mean something to him and yes I was mentally unstable. So he asked me about it, not wearing it, so I told him the reason smaller and less expensive. He explains, he picked out went to some trouble to find it and with a lot of thought because it was a cross which to him meant a new beginning. With iOS whore he just went into pick something out because he felt obligated. So no matter how you try it just keeps happening but less frequently. For me, I have just went three weeks straight without verbally telling him what a sorry asshole of a man he is. Just 4 weeks ago I went out in front yard, laid in the grass crying loudly from hurt and pain at 10pm at night. The cold and hard ground felt better than the pain. He came out, picked me up and brought me in the house telling me how sorry he was. My point to all of this is no matter how hard I tried to circumvent the healing process you just can't but as ELLE said it does get better but it does take a long time. Don't expect this to dissolve it just doesn't work that way. Once you get your head on straight about yourself it gets better.
One thing you wrote which bothers me is you said to him"it doesn't matter" but it really did. I don't hold back what I think, how I feel or what I want to do anymore not in a demanding way but in a normal way which I never did before. I figured if he doesn't like it, there is the door. But I had to think about ME, what makes ME happy, what is important to ME. I'm totally honest about everything. It took him some getting used to hearing what I wanted but he also wanted me to be totally honest. Your self confidence is shot to hell and back but think about what makes you happy and act on it. That is the only way I could see how not to recycle. Wow 4 weeks since my last hissy-fit and I'm bragging about it. Don't be so hard and indecisive about yourself.
I completely agree with u about the honesty thing. Last night my 9 year old son lied to my face about something I told him. He said that I never said it when I KNOW I did. When I punished him for lying my husband thought I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. If my son had only told the truth & just admitted that it was a misunderstanding or whatever he wouldn't have gotten in trouble. If my husband doesn't like the new me too bad; he can walk. In the past when we argued I would always be terribly upset, worried that he would leave me or cheat. Now I felt empowered, because I thought if he wants to leave let him. I told him to file for divorce if he wants; I will not after over a year of going thru hell to save our children's family.
As for my kids, I told him I can't control his lying but as long as I can teach my kids (I prob have only a few more years of them listening to me or caring what I say), I want to teach them the value of honesty. I will not let them lie to me or disrespect me. In turn I have told them that i will never lie to them. If something I discuss is not for appropriate at their age, I tell them that we will discuss it when they are older. My husband thinks I am nuts, but this is the new me. My whole outlook on marriage, the world, & life has changed. I tell my kids the truth; I also tell them that just because they are honest doesn't mean everyone else will be so that they are not super trusting. Maybe mine won't go up to be cheaters or on the flip side won't be devastated when they are betrayed. I can only try.
I see what you mean. Today has been really good I had a late dinner or a early supper which ever you want to call it with a good friend. We usually eat out on Wednesday's and then go to church. Tonight it was to early for church when we got finished eating so we had to go home and wait till time to leave for church. A good friend gave me some pumpkin and I wanted to make pumpkin muffins. I love those but I have to say they are fatting but wee they are good. After I got in it started raining so I decided not to go back out so we watched a good movie. I like every move that Nickles Cage plays in. Wouldn't you know it he goes to this whore house and I could just see H.In this position. I refused to let these few seans take away from my movie. H. said that was part of my anniversary. I guess with what he's been up to this year he's trying to start early. lol I shopped for some much needed new clothes Saturday so if he messes up next year he will be broke. It wouldn't take a lot but he would differently have to double it next year. lol. If ever again it will be his head.
That's funny. Our anniversary is coming up on the 8th. It's starting to stress me out. All the emotion and the shattered pieces. We are attending a wedding that day. So ironic, right? What do you say, "Gee, I hope your husband doesn't cheat on you, lie to you, betray you. Congratulations." I hope I make it through the weekend without a breakdown. It's been 3 1/2 months. I swear I have never felt so low in my entire life. Makes you just want to run and hide.
There is no way I could go to a wedding and I'm 10 months out. There is no way I could make it through without a rage. What I have learned in therapy is if I know there is a difficult situation coming up then plan what we are going to do to make me feel better about where I am at. I tell him what I need that will help me. For example if I were going to a wedding I would ask him to do something during the ceremony that would remind me he loves me like would ask him to hold my hand tight the entire time or something. I ask for hugs not to end until I end them, a gift on a Friday at the end of the week, sit on his lap and he holds me until I'm ready to get up. Think of something. Sometimes this works and sometimes nothing works no matter what we plan.
Good morning, I promised that I would pray for you today. I just wanted you to know that I am. I prayed for you last night. I hope you can relax and enjoy yourself. Don't let Satan steel your joy. I have no clue how our day will go but so far it's went good. I left H.'s card on the table for him to find this morning. He always sets up every card I get him well this one is stuck between some bills over here on the desk. I only had one to pick from at the Dollar Tree so I got it. On the front it has the list
I didn't want to lose my post so I sent it. I didn't get to prof read it. I don't know what happened it just disappeared and I couldn't get it back. On the front of the card it has the man and woman's hands with there wedding rings and a nice list of all the great things that you have in a happy marriage. On the inside of the card I didn't mess it up but on the back page I wrote. Honey I saw this card and thought of you. You have always been by my side loving me helping me and I do appreciate all you do. I know there are things here that you might be a little short on but with our love and time we can master this list together. I love you with all my heart. It would take two lifetimes for you to know the love that I have for you. Today is Saturday we married on a Saturday in Jellico TN. At 11:00 am then we drove to University of Vanderbilt and watched KY lose to TN. 3 to 13. Had car problems on the way home we almost had a terrible accident on the way home I fell asleep at the wheel. With H's. like of sleep from the night before and being drunk he let me drive his car. I had really never drove his car plus I was very sleepy we were almost home when I woke up taking out a big rock fence when I hit the gravel and it worke me up. I bet you couldn't have put a few hairs between us and the fence. One lucky guy. It was on his side it would have taken out the hole side of his car. He never woke At least I wasn't drinking. lol I wonder how many times that our anniversary has fallen on a Saturday.
Anon: Your story and mine sound similar. I can't understand how 7 weeks (tomorrow) have passed, and I am amazed that I made it. I honestly didn't think I would in the beginning. All of the questions have been asked and answered multiple times with lots of love and patience on my husband's part. I completely understand how it happened. I own my part --- things I said, and emotions those words stirred up, that may have pushed him in that direction. He takes FULL responsibility for what he did and I respect him for that. Things are getting much easier except I can't stop thinking about how the OW got away without having her husband find out what she had been doing. My husband realized early on that he didn't want to continue down that path. He tried multiple times to explain it to her and he walked away. But she was vindictive. She made threats and ultimately followed through by calling me to tell me everything, even though it was already over. I can't shake the feeling that I owe her some pain in return. I don't believe that her husband knows, but I have not done anything about it because I don't want to put my husband at risk and I don't want to invite her or her husband into my life. I have some guilt about that --- her husband should get to make a choice too. But I am in self preservation mode at this point and don't want to open that can of worms. I know I am being selfish. Hopefully, her behavior of meeting strange men on the internet for sex will be noticed and her husband will catch on. I, like you don't understand how a woman can do that to another woman. I will never understand it. But, we will survive.
Lossing: I read your posts and I worry about you. Your husband sounds so unpredictable and, at times, totally irrational. I admire you because you, on the other hand, seem to always find something positive to focus on. Elle is right, you need to look out for yourself and set some boundaries regarding what you will and will not accept. I know this hard but you need to put yourself first. Where would this man be if you left him? Does he even appreciate the enormous GIFT that you are giving him every day that you stay? Try to demand more for yourself. And if you ever feel that you are physically in danger, you need to leave. Hugs to you!
Rediscover, Well it looks like we are sharing the same day under the same conditions. Thank God I don't have to attend a wedding. I will sure try to remember you Saturday. We went to the drug store today to pick up some Celiac. I figured we would be perpared just in case we might have a need for it. They told him he wouldn't be able to get any till the 11th of December. Well the way he's going he might not need any by then. I gave him the week off I planned to get a lot done but it just hasn't suited me this week. Maybe next week I'll get a lot done. I just started me a new John Grisham book it might get good fast. Here he comes with us a half a cake. We are both going to be half crazy at this rate.
legal lass... yes, our stories are very similar. i agree that we do take some responsibility as well, and i own my part of the relationship that needed more and i didnt give - although, i still would never be unfaithful. however, to move forward we must recognize our part and fix it as well. i also agree at the vindictive nature of both the OW and our H's... in my situation, the OW never asked my H to see his home, meet his parents or meet his friends. i wonder what kind of pathetic woman would be OK with not knowing her "boyfriends" family, friends, or place of residence after 3 years!! its crazy. i believe the OW manipulated my H by allowing it to be so easy... my H Is also to blame, no doubt about that, but the point being that a relationship based on infidelity is vindictive and manipulating. I guess we can wonder together about the OW. a very very very small part of me feels sorry for her. to be so worthless, have so little respect for herself to accept being the other woman. you rarely hear of cheaters actually leaving their wives for the OW. ugh. legal lass, we are still here. still truckin, making the best of what the future holds. i can see a tiny light at the end of the dark tunnel now... i hope you can too :) hugs.
Anonymous.... I do see a light at the end of this tunnel and I believe that this blog and the stories and emotions shared here are a big part of my healing process. I'm grateful for your insight and for the hugs. Hugs to you, too!
When I think of the kindergarten teacher OW what a loser. What a complete and totally ridiculous excuse for a human being. And to think that this woman worked as a TEACHER. She worked in a profession that provides guidance, values, comfort and an education to our children. That is LAUGHABLE. It blows my mind when he says they were friends. How could she feel entitled to my husband? Who in their right mind can decide, without any feelings of guilt that they are entitled to my husband? She is crazy. This woman is conniving. This woman is sick. This woman is emotionally unbalanced. This woman is manipulative. This woman shows no regret for her actions but the were friends to the end until UNTIL I CAUGHT THEM not because either of them wanted to stop before that time. I actually have run into her twice accidentally in our town. Yes I did tell her what I thought of her. I was yelling across the parking lot "stop calling our house". She actually denied going to bed with him. She tries to call his cell phone and our house both which are now blocked. The OW was in my home, my leather chair, my porch, new truck, farm and all the places we liked to go for dinner. Even my dog recognized her when I ran into her a dog store. I hope the Karma bus hits this woman head on. I said to her "we both got used dumb Shit". She was trying to avoid me and acted very cowardly and pathetic. I hope God affords me the opportunity to run into her again.
Hello, the OW is pathetic and cowardly. Certainly thinks she is entitled to relationships that are off limits. What has helped me is knowing that her relationship with my husband was based solely on a fantasy. None of it was based in reality. She is not happy in her own life, so she invents fantastic stories to make herself feel good. She is extremely manipulative and selfish. Staying away from her is the safest thing. I can't speak for all the ow husbands, but in our case there was no real satisfaction in telling him. He already knew and had his own stuff going. They had an "open marriage" and didn't understand that other people do not. She is not worth your thoughts or effort, in my case I was friends with her and tried to actually have a reasonable relationship after I found out what she had been doing with my husband. That was a joke, nothing but lies and more deceit. That is all these type of women know how to do, cut her out of your life and your husband's life if you can. Then hope he pulls his head out of his ass. My husband had to quit his job in order to get away from her. But we are glad everyday that he did and he has been able to work on himself and his obvious problems as well as our marriage. My suggestion, if you do see her don't even give her the satisfaction of speaking to her. She doesn't deserve it and honestly like Elle has said before, by not giving her the time of day you are cutting off her oxygen. She thrives on any attention especially if she sees that her relationship with your husband has rattled you. Let her think you are doing just fine, her time of making you feel like a fool is over, she is the fool, you are a dignified woman and loyal wife. Those are two things she knows nothing about being! Sorry for the rant, I just feel the pain in your posts...been there and know that ignoring her was the best thing that I did for myself and my husband. It is what caused her the most pain. An effective way of communicating screw you and you are no longer a part of our lives period. Strength and peace to you all. You all have helped me more than you know:) Jen
Whatever our stories, however it unfolded, whatever they did...we are all in the same boat. Women who love our husbands deeply. Women that want to stay with them to rebuild our marriages.
SAD. Sadness is whats left. Sad that someone who I know loves me deeply, someone I considered my 'Soul Mate' could do something that has destroyed 33 years of love, trust and family. He's lost he's position in the family as my three children (20,24 +26) have no respect for him. I'm sure it will come back one day, but he wont talk, (I don't even know whether they had sex and I guess I never will). He needs to talk, to reassure them, me and my daughter are desperate for words. He only says that he made a mistake and that he will pay for it for the rest of his life. I feel now and only once he is out of the Affair Fog he can fully understand the damage he has done. He feels ashamed, he wants it all to go away and be forgotten, as any of us would if we'd done something wrong. But when the wrong is emotions, its not that easy for us to forget.
The sad is so sad.
Whatever situation our marriages where in, they made the choice it was their decision.
Legal Lass...Her and her husband are already in your life and her husband should know. You can't have the story on your shoulders alone. She needs to account for her bad doing. I guess because I went to her house to confront her, without thinking he found out.
I hope your husband is with you as we speak if not his clone is here with me. My if not a clone or identical twins. My land I can't believe what's up with these crazy a$$ men. I'm having a panic attack just reading your post. Even writing this post is pure panic. Mine did give me more details up front but I can't get a single detail out of him now. I've got so much to be thankful for. I've never had to worry about the OW or him falling in love with someone else but Jane you did such a great job describing our pain and there actions. H. had went to bed last night and I was on my way and I just started crying. I couldn't help it I was thinking here we have made it 39 years and for what??? I'm sure all he was after was pure sex but being able to risk our lives and our marriage what was he thinking? He wasn't and now I'm not suppose to think or fill or ask. Who knows what else I'm not suppose to do. He would kill me if he knew I was posting this on line. He's washing dishes. I'm thinking about some real answers. There aren't any. We are getting ready to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Maybe I'll learn something. lol
my husbands OW was single as can be. she knew he was married. she lived a fantasy world where she thought if she baked for him, cooked for him, and NEVER asked about his wife or children that they would be together "forever." while they were living in fantasy world i wss at he taking care of his children, doing his laundry, cleaning his house. i was working full time as well, paying bills, mortgages, car payments. i was living REAL LIFE while the OW lived in fantasy land. i mean, if you wanted real life with my husband then come and do what i was doing... see how many unicorns, rainbows and butterflies there are when reality kicks in... when REAL LIFE kicks in. i would LOVE to sit around waiting for my H To come home, bake, cook all day... for f**cs sake, she never lived a reality with my H. oh how i loath for a perfect fantasy world. not only do i have to live in reality, but also in a world filled with tarnished memories, mistrust and pain. but, she didnt care about that... she never asked about me. she pretended i didnt exist. poor girl for believing that after years that my H and i still only lived together because we werent ready to sell the house. what a psychotic dumb ass. after she told me of the affair she wrote me the following week asking me how i could be smiling in pictures with my H(for show around friends), like its any of her business. she believed if she told me everything i would kick his ass out and she could finally have him. what a pathetic excuse for a woman. legal lass... the OW also worked in a position of trust with the public. its gross to me. shes gross. she loved my H, unfortunately one of the hardest things to get over. to think someone other than myself had deep seeded love for my H. thats what you get for getting involved with a married man. they rarely leave their lives and family for the OW. i pray for karma... it needs to smack her across the face.
Karma is having to live with her own poor choices. You might not get the satisfaction of seeing it...but there's no doubt that she's feeling a level of pain and humiliation she didn't see coming. That, however, is not your problem. Just be sure you don't sugar-coat the life of the OW. You didn't choose it for a reason. Who wants that? If she's still getting in touch with her, she needs to be told clearly that there is to be No Contact, and if she violates that, you will file harassment charges.
Our story is similar to many of yours. We have been married for 26 years and my guy has always been attentive, loving, protective, kind, honorable and a wonderful father. Things changed when he turned 50. He became restless, distracted, depressed. I saw him changing before my eyes and couldn't get "in" to help him. During this time I had been spending an inordinate amount of time caring for an elderly parent. Two months after his birthday he said he wasn't happy and was leaving. I was blown away. Who was this man? I did my best to convince him to stay, which he did. During that time I was hurt and said some horrible things which I truly believe caused even more damage and led to his going online and meeting a stranger for sex. He did it a few times, and it was always in her car. He said it felt dirty, trashy, cheap. So, why was there more than one visit? Who the f#!@ knows? I'm not sure he even knows. Though he told her in the beginning that there would be no future, she latched on. She gave him gifts which he either declined or threw away. He kept one item because he thought it was cool. When I first saw it I thought it was pretty cool too (before I knew where it came from). I have since determined that that item wasn't so cool after all as it disintegrated into a million pieces when I slammed it against the brick wall on my front porch. She tried to give him a photo of the two of them but he refused it. Dumb ass, where did she think he would put it? What part of "I just want validation that I exist by fucking in a car and walking away as we agreed" didn't she get? Who actually thinks that a quickie with a married man is going to result in a long term relationship? Yes, totally irrational behavior. I find it amusing that this woman, when my husband told her he wasn't going to do this anymore, chose to try to trap him by saying she was pregnant. If you're the OW, what's the fastest way to attract a man who has just finished raising his children, is feeling insecure due to age, and feeling like his life is half over? Oh, I know, tell him you're pregnant and that you are getting your own place so you can be with him, and that you'll be bringing your three children too. Cause his life doesn't suck enough (you should have already known that he was lonely and desperate because he was having sex with you.) Add in your addiction to prescription RX, multiple abortions and broken marriages while you're at it. Also, seriously, where do you get the confidence to go out and have sex with men when you look like that? You're almost ten years younger than me but you're disgusting. Stop smoking you look old, buy a decent bra to hold that shit up, stop drinking soda or buy something to hold that shit up too, and stop taking pictures of your nasty-ass parts. I thought you were trying to attract men not scare the hell out of them. Thank you, I really appreciate that you were his one fling after all these years ---- that'll teach him. ---- Back to my story --- He was already trying to get away from her but after all of that, he was in a full sprint. When she found out he wasn't playing, she suddenly miscarried. And then came the self-filmed video to which my husband replied that "she was disgusting and might want to get "that" checked. Glad he saved those texts, they went a long way to helping me see he was already "back" before I found out about the brief encounter. That pissed her off and then came the threats. That was a brilliant move because, who doesn’t want a relationship based on "if you don't fuck me, I'll tell your wife?" Yes, the OW in all of our stories is a pathetic, stupid, desperate soul. They have no self-esteem and are only able to steal moments when our husbands are at their lowest points in life because emotionally healthy men wouldn't give them a second glance. Trying to understand them is a waste of time. She is not even a blip on my radar. She is nothing.
they are all a pathetic waste of skin. every single one of OUR husbands OTHER WOMEN. when i found out, she asked me where i thought my husband was sleeping overnights... well, you dumb bi**h, i certainly didnt think he was staying with you!! she saw him once every 2 weeks for a period of 8 -12 hours. where i thought he was going, was none of her business. i trusted my husband (bad decision), but to tey and throw that in my face is disgusting. how about i say "where in the hell do you thinm HE was 13 out of the 14 days you werent with him?!" homewrecking you know what... ive said it before and ill say it again... my husband is VERY much at fault, but she was very easy to cheat with. dont wver ask about why you haven't divorced your wife or sold the house that you live in with her after 3 years. dont ever make real life a reality. ohhhhhh, how I HATE HER. i dont think i will ever hate her less. pathetic waste of skin.
My husband was having an affair for over two years with some whore. She only seen him for an hour at a hotel for sex once every 2-3 months. So obviously I had no idea. I definitely knew he was in a bad place with his emotions but never thought for a million years that my husband would cheat. He has always been a good man. Through counseling I now understand his emotions that led him to this betrayal. Not that it changes how I feel. He was a broken man from his terrible childhood. Which I also had a horrible childhood. I always felt that we were stronger than most to overcome our past ao well together. Wow was I wrong. Now I sit here 20 years of marriage and can't breathe. This other women only wanted sex too. She knew he was married and never spent time with him other that sex. Now she has posted him on a website called Centerville. We have paid a service to remove 4 post ahe has made. At 500 a post. There is now a new one posted. Most of which is lies. I do know that most of what ahe said are lies because she refers to things that I know. My huaband says he never thought she would do any of this because they never had anything other than occasional sex. He has been in counseling and has become the best version of himself. He is very remorseful. I believe him. The problem is I can't stop role-playing in my mind. I definitely have made myself crazy. Depression is an understatement. Going thru the motions of my life. I lack any joy out of the things I use to find joy in. Its as if my throat is in a knot all the time. Its been four months. In the beginning weeks I couldn't stop crying amd wanted to be close to him. Now I want to throw up looking at him. He is trying everything to get me back. I feel like I want to make this work but I can't go on feeling this way. In many post I hear women saying they never forget the pain and relive this for years to come. I can't imagine feeling like this for years. It almost feels easier to let him go so my healing can start. On the other hand i can't imagine my life without him and he says the same. This other women posting these things on this website have definitely made everything worse. I want to retaliate but know that shes not worth it.
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through..and have gone through. I'm guessing you wrote Cheaterville (not Centerville) and the computer auto-corrected you. I hate those sites. I see no benefit in them other than revenge, which never really helps anyone. In any case, I hope you can ignore that. I have no idea how many people really pay much attention to those sites. I suspect if you ignore her, she'll eventually go away. In the meantime, everything you're feeling right now seems right on schedule. Crazy but we all seem to cycle through extremely similar stages, even thought the circumstances of our spouse's cheating is different. Trust that you'll get through this. Trust that everything you're feeling is normal for someone who's only recently learning about a betrayal. Nonetheless, those of us who've experienced childhood trauma are often affected differently when a spouse betrays us. It re-opens old wounds, which means that, through healing from the affair, we can often also address those old wounds and heal those as well. I hope you'll find yourself a good counsellor, if you haven't already. It's a safe place where you can explore your pain and begin to heal from it. And please try not to give the OW any more of your time/energy. She's a sad vindictive person trying to hurt you and your husband in any way she can. Ignore her. She's like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
I didn't realize how beaten down I was for the last several years. Jack, bosses, companies, mom, kids all hammering away. Bending, bending to everyone's will. It was the affair that finally broke the branch, tipped the scales and I fell a very long way down. Someone finally broke me all the way. I wasn't trying to save my marriage at first, I was trying to save me. I was afraid for several months that this time was the sucker punch of the grand knock out. I couldn't get up , I'm not going to rally, I can't see any light in the tunnel and it's so dark every day, there is not going to be any ladder to climb out. But I'm rebuilding "me" one brick at a time.
ReplyDeleteLynn,
DeleteThat's exactly what you should be doing. Rebuilding yourself. And that can actually be the proverbial silver lining in all this -- that chance to reclaim yourself when you've been everything to everyone for so long. Don't worry about the marriage right now. It's time to focus on you.
My heart breaks for you. I know how you fill, I thought things were getting much better and then this week has rolled around. Saturday we will be our 39th wedding anniversary, my 5 months since Dday. I fill like my heart has been cut out. I didn't know that this week was going to be this hard. It's killing me. We went to vote and to eat a hamburger and fries H. got a soft drink because seniors get free ones. I knew that wouldn't be good and sure enough before we got home he started trying to pick an argument. Who ever said it takes two to argu has never been around my husband. I begged him honey please it ok whatever you say is fine. It doesn't matter. He's got in this terrible habbit of driving on the wrong side of the road so as he says he's not having to hold up traffic when he makes left turns. When I mentioned it to him that he was going to get a ticket or cause an accident I think that's what got him started. He was in the wrong side of the highway a car was coming at us and another car was pulling out of the road he was turning on. I figured it was his blood sugar but that doesn't help much. The rest of day out was a tipkel day out for the two of us. Sometimes I would rather take a beating that to ride with him. He said Saturday we can get a movie and eat out. He's so nice he want eat without a coupon buy one get one free and he always takes the free one lol. It's a good thing that the whores didn't have a coupon with there services. He would have had fun.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to my best friend yeasterday and was telling her about the girls and I couldn't believe that I hadn't told her about our daughter moving. I tell her everything now I do well just checking in with her a few times a week. I heard just today that you have a hard time doing what you use to do. I know I sure have, the harder I try I just can't do it. It takes all my engery just to keep myself going and my head above water. I can't remember if I said something or ask him something the other day but he said he just wanted to forget it. I wish I could just forget it. I was doing so well till this week now I fill like I might have to start over.
Lossing,
DeleteIt's called "recycling" and it's not the same thing as going right back to the starting point. You'll continue to go back, now and again, into those painful feelings and thoughts. And when he's treating you with disrespect, it's more likely that you'll "recycle" those old feelings.
I'm worried about you driving with him, frankly. It's dangerous. I would urge you to make it clear that unless he will follow the rules of the road, you won't be able to be in the car with him. Don't be angry. Simply make it clear that you won't risk your life. I suspect you've never really established clear boundaries with him about what you will and won't tolerate.
In the meantime, you'll find that certain dates/holidays will trigger those painful feelings. Stay with them. Trust that they won't last and that each time you'll emerge a bit stronger.
And yes, that brain-fog is a common experience. Don't be hard on yourself. It gets better.
it has been just over 2 months from my D day. everyday gets just a littlw bit easier. today was the first time i woke in the morning and my first thought WASNT the OW. the rest of the day has been consuming my thoughts, but for just a split second i woke living for ME - and NOT for her. i chalk that up to a pretty good morning these days. my H Is still open to talking about things when i need to talk, but lately i feel as though i have had the questions all answered. i keep telling myself (elle, in your words exactly), there is no need to "pain seek" today and re live questions that i already know the answers to. the mind movies have somewhat subsided, with the use of the elastic band especially. so thank you for that too elle. i know why and how the affair happened, and although i feel everyday is getting easier, especially with looking at my H as MY HUSBAND now, the lingering thought continues.... why and how could a woman do this to another woman full well knowing he was married with a family? how could someone care so little about someone elses family? i battle with myself daily refraining from writing the OW and asking HOW qnd WHY she could do this. i think its partially because i have my H's story, but feel somewhat incomplete without hers. she was the one to tell me about the affair, but it was it a.hateful way to hurt my H for hurting her when he decided to end it with her.
ReplyDeleteso all in all this quote is true. we will all.survive one way or another, but slowly this will not consume my whole being, or my whole day.
You're on your way!! Try and let go of the need to know the OW's story. It's a sad tale of woe by someone who doesn't believe she's worthy of self-respect and is, therefore, incapable of respecting anyone else. We've heard it all before. Keep the focus on yourself and your own healing. That's where peace comes.
DeleteI also keep saying what kind of whore (all of my husbands emotional & physical & sexting affairs were with married women) does this with a married man? Well obviously someone who is selfish & doesn't care abt breaking up her OWN family let alone his. These women have no self respect so use sleeping with men to boost their ego.
Delete2 of the women, 1 physical & 1 emotional affair are either divorced now or in the process. But the 1st sexual affair partner from 10 years ago is still married with children & lives about 10 min away from us. I told my h I fantasize about telling her husband, not because I think he has a right to know (he does), but because I want to destroy her life te way it feels she destroyed mine. However, I don't want hurting her children & possibly tearing their family apart on my conscience. Although I didn't commit the adultery I don't want to be the cause of pain to her innocent kids. And I feel better, because I tell myself THAT is one of the MANY ways that I am better than she or any of the OW.
& so are u.
Sam
I couldn't stand the thought of celebrating my anti-versary on Nov. 10th either. I decided it would be better to choose a random day each year to celebrate our new marriage. In my mind I said I divorced that other guy, asshole anyway. I chose a time in September. He choose a day in October. He bought me a blue diamond necklace yes this is the guy who previously bought me a vacuum. It triggered me because he bought his whore a 14k gold necklace for Xmas and me a cast iron pot(no kidding). The necklace he bought me was smaller and cost less than his whores. I said thank you but didn't put it on. I called my sister and said am I nuts any woman would love this. She suggested it might mean something to him and yes I was mentally unstable. So he asked me about it, not wearing it, so I told him the reason smaller and less expensive. He explains, he picked out went to some trouble to find it and with a lot of thought because it was a cross which to him meant a new beginning. With iOS whore he just went into pick something out because he felt obligated. So no matter how you try it just keeps happening but less frequently. For me, I have just went three weeks straight without verbally telling him what a sorry asshole of a man he is. Just 4 weeks ago I went out in front yard, laid in the grass crying loudly from hurt and pain at 10pm at night. The cold and hard ground felt better than the pain. He came out, picked me up and brought me in the house telling me how sorry he was. My point to all of this is no matter how hard I tried to circumvent the healing process you just can't but as ELLE said it does get better but it does take a long time. Don't expect this to dissolve it just doesn't work that way. Once you get your head on straight about yourself it gets better.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you wrote which bothers me is you said to him"it doesn't matter" but it really did. I don't hold back what I think, how I feel or what I want to do anymore not in a demanding way but in a normal way which I never did before. I figured if he doesn't like it, there is the door. But I had to think about ME, what makes ME happy, what is important to ME. I'm totally honest about everything. It took him some getting used to hearing what I wanted but he also wanted me to be totally honest. Your self confidence is shot to hell and back but think about what makes you happy and act on it. That is the only way I could see how not to recycle. Wow 4 weeks since my last hissy-fit and I'm bragging about it. Don't be so hard and indecisive about yourself.
I completely agree with u about the honesty thing. Last night my 9 year old son lied to my face about something I told him. He said that I never said it when I KNOW I did. When I punished him for lying my husband thought I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. If my son had only told the truth & just admitted that it was a misunderstanding or whatever he wouldn't have gotten in trouble. If my husband doesn't like the new me too bad; he can walk. In the past when we argued I would always be terribly upset, worried that he would leave me or cheat. Now I felt empowered, because I thought if he wants to leave let him. I told him to file for divorce if he wants; I will not after over a year of going thru hell to save our children's family.
DeleteAs for my kids, I told him I can't control his lying but as long as I can teach my kids (I prob have only a few more years of them listening to me or caring what I say), I want to teach them the value of honesty. I will not let them lie to me or disrespect me. In turn I have told them that i will never lie to them. If something I discuss is not for appropriate at their age, I tell them that we will discuss it when they are older. My husband thinks I am nuts, but this is the new me. My whole outlook on marriage, the world, & life has changed. I tell my kids the truth; I also tell them that just because they are honest doesn't mean everyone else will be so that they are not super trusting. Maybe mine won't go up to be cheaters or on the flip side won't be devastated when they are betrayed. I can only try.
Sam
I see what you mean. Today has been really good I had a late dinner or a early supper which ever you want to call it with a good friend. We usually eat out on Wednesday's and then go to church. Tonight it was to early for church when we got finished eating so we had to go home and wait till time to leave for church. A good friend gave me some pumpkin and I wanted to make pumpkin muffins. I love those but I have to say they are fatting but wee they are good. After I got in it started raining so I decided not to go back out so we watched a good movie. I like every move that Nickles Cage plays in. Wouldn't you know it he goes to this whore house and I could just see H.In this position. I refused to let these few seans take away from my movie. H. said that was part of my anniversary. I guess with what he's been up to this year he's trying to start early. lol I shopped for some much needed new clothes Saturday so if he messes up next year he will be broke. It wouldn't take a lot but he would differently have to double it next year. lol. If ever again it will be his head.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny. Our anniversary is coming up on the 8th. It's starting to stress me out. All the emotion and the shattered pieces. We are attending a wedding that day. So ironic, right? What do you say, "Gee, I hope your husband doesn't cheat on you, lie to you, betray you. Congratulations." I hope I make it through the weekend without a breakdown. It's been 3 1/2 months. I swear I have never felt so low in my entire life. Makes you just want to run and hide.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way I could go to a wedding and I'm 10 months out. There is no way I could make it through without a rage. What I have learned in therapy is if I know there is a difficult situation coming up then plan what we are going to do to make me feel better about where I am at. I tell him what I need that will help me. For example if I were going to a wedding I would ask him to do something during the ceremony that would remind me he loves me like would ask him to hold my hand tight the entire time or something. I ask for hugs not to end until I end them, a gift on a Friday at the end of the week, sit on his lap and he holds me until I'm ready to get up. Think of something. Sometimes this works and sometimes nothing works no matter what we plan.
DeleteGood morning, I promised that I would pray for you today. I just wanted you to know that I am. I prayed for you last night. I hope you can relax and enjoy yourself. Don't let Satan steel your joy. I have no clue how our day will go but so far it's went good. I left H.'s card on the table for him to find this morning. He always sets up every card I get him well this one is stuck between some bills over here on the desk. I only had one to pick from at the Dollar Tree so I got it. On the front it has the list
DeleteI didn't want to lose my post so I sent it. I didn't get to prof read it. I don't know what happened it just disappeared and I couldn't get it back.
DeleteOn the front of the card it has the man and woman's hands with there wedding rings and a nice list of all the great things that you have in a happy marriage. On the inside of the card I didn't mess it up but on the back page I wrote. Honey I saw this card and thought of you. You have always been by my side loving me helping me and I do appreciate all you do. I know there are things here that you might be a little short on but with our love and time we can master this list together. I love you with all my heart. It would take two lifetimes for you to know the love that I have for you.
Today is Saturday we married on a Saturday in Jellico TN. At 11:00 am then we drove to University of Vanderbilt and watched KY lose to TN. 3 to 13. Had car problems on the way home we almost had a terrible accident on the way home I fell asleep at the wheel. With H's. like of sleep from the night before and being drunk he let me drive his car. I had really never drove his car plus I was very sleepy we were almost home when I woke up taking out a big rock fence when I hit the gravel and it worke me up. I bet you couldn't have put a few hairs between us and the fence. One lucky guy. It was on his side it would have taken out the hole side of his car. He never woke At least I wasn't drinking. lol
I wonder how many times that our anniversary has fallen on a Saturday.
Anon: Your story and mine sound similar. I can't understand how 7 weeks (tomorrow) have passed, and I am amazed that I made it. I honestly didn't think I would in the beginning. All of the questions have been asked and answered multiple times with lots of love and patience on my husband's part. I completely understand how it happened. I own my part --- things I said, and emotions those words stirred up, that may have pushed him in that direction. He takes FULL responsibility for what he did and I respect him for that. Things are getting much easier except I can't stop thinking about how the OW got away without having her husband find out what she had been doing. My husband realized early on that he didn't want to continue down that path. He tried multiple times to explain it to her and he walked away. But she was vindictive. She made threats and ultimately followed through by calling me to tell me everything, even though it was already over. I can't shake the feeling that I owe her some pain in return. I don't believe that her husband knows, but I have not done anything about it because I don't want to put my husband at risk and I don't want to invite her or her husband into my life. I have some guilt about that --- her husband should get to make a choice too. But I am in self preservation mode at this point and don't want to open that can of worms. I know I am being selfish. Hopefully, her behavior of meeting strange men on the internet for sex will be noticed and her husband will catch on. I, like you don't understand how a woman can do that to another woman. I will never understand it. But, we will survive.
ReplyDeleteLossing: I read your posts and I worry about you. Your husband sounds so unpredictable and, at times, totally irrational. I admire you because you, on the other hand, seem to always find something positive to focus on. Elle is right, you need to look out for yourself and set some boundaries regarding what you will and will not accept. I know this hard but you need to put yourself first. Where would this man be if you left him? Does he even appreciate the enormous GIFT that you are giving him every day that you stay? Try to demand more for yourself. And if you ever feel that you are physically in danger, you need to leave. Hugs to you!
Rediscover, Well it looks like we are sharing the same day under the same conditions. Thank God I don't have to attend a wedding. I will sure try to remember you Saturday. We went to the drug store today to pick up some Celiac. I figured we would be perpared just in case we might have a need for it. They told him he wouldn't be able to get any till the 11th of December. Well the way he's going he might not need any by then. I gave him the week off I planned to get a lot done but it just hasn't suited me this week. Maybe next week I'll get a lot done. I just started me a new John Grisham book it might get good fast. Here he comes with us a half a cake. We are both going to be half crazy at this rate.
ReplyDeletelegal lass...
ReplyDeleteyes, our stories are very similar. i agree that we do take some responsibility as well, and i own my part of the relationship that needed more and i didnt give - although, i still would never be unfaithful. however, to move forward we must recognize our part and fix it as well. i also agree at the vindictive nature of both the OW and our H's... in my situation, the OW never asked my H to see his home, meet his parents or meet his friends. i wonder what kind of pathetic woman would be OK with not knowing her "boyfriends" family, friends, or place of residence after 3 years!! its crazy. i believe the OW manipulated my H by allowing it to be so easy... my H Is also to blame, no doubt about that, but the point being that a relationship based on infidelity is vindictive and manipulating.
I guess we can wonder together about the OW. a very very very small part of me feels sorry for her. to be so worthless, have so little respect for herself to accept being the other woman. you rarely hear of cheaters actually leaving their wives for the OW. ugh.
legal lass, we are still here. still truckin, making the best of what the future holds. i can see a tiny light at the end of the dark tunnel now... i hope you can too :) hugs.
Anonymous....
DeleteI do see a light at the end of this tunnel and I believe that this blog and the stories and emotions shared here are a big part of my healing process. I'm grateful for your insight and for the hugs. Hugs to you, too!
When I think of the kindergarten teacher OW what a loser. What a complete and totally ridiculous excuse for a human being. And to think that this woman worked as a TEACHER. She worked in a profession that provides guidance, values, comfort and an education to our children. That is LAUGHABLE. It blows my mind when he says they were friends. How could she feel entitled to my husband? Who in their right mind can decide, without any feelings of guilt that they are entitled to my husband? She is crazy. This woman is conniving. This woman is sick. This woman is emotionally unbalanced. This woman is manipulative. This woman shows no regret for her actions but the were friends to the end until UNTIL I CAUGHT THEM not because either of them wanted to stop before that time. I actually have run into her twice accidentally in our town. Yes I did tell her what I thought of her. I was yelling across the parking lot "stop calling our house". She actually denied going to bed with him. She tries to call his cell phone and our house both which are now blocked. The OW was in my home, my leather chair, my porch, new truck, farm and all the places we liked to go for dinner. Even my dog recognized her when I ran into her a dog store. I hope the Karma bus hits this woman head on. I said to her "we both got used dumb Shit". She was trying to avoid me and acted very cowardly and pathetic. I hope God affords me the opportunity to run into her again.
DeleteHello, the OW is pathetic and cowardly. Certainly thinks she is entitled to relationships that are off limits. What has helped me is knowing that her relationship with my husband was based solely on a fantasy. None of it was based in reality. She is not happy in her own life, so she invents fantastic stories to make herself feel good. She is extremely manipulative and selfish. Staying away from her is the safest thing. I can't speak for all the ow husbands, but in our case there was no real satisfaction in telling him. He already knew and had his own stuff going. They had an "open marriage" and didn't understand that other people do not. She is not worth your thoughts or effort, in my case I was friends with her and tried to actually have a reasonable relationship after I found out what she had been doing with my husband. That was a joke, nothing but lies and more deceit. That is all these type of women know how to do, cut her out of your life and your husband's life if you can. Then hope he pulls his head out of his ass. My husband had to quit his job in order to get away from her. But we are glad everyday that he did and he has been able to work on himself and his obvious problems as well as our marriage. My suggestion, if you do see her don't even give her the satisfaction of speaking to her. She doesn't deserve it and honestly like Elle has said before, by not giving her the time of day you are cutting off her oxygen. She thrives on any attention especially if she sees that her relationship with your husband has rattled you. Let her think you are doing just fine, her time of making you feel like a fool is over, she is the fool, you are a dignified woman and loyal wife. Those are two things she knows nothing about being! Sorry for the rant, I just feel the pain in your posts...been there and know that ignoring her was the best thing that I did for myself and my husband. It is what caused her the most pain. An effective way of communicating screw you and you are no longer a part of our lives period. Strength and peace to you all. You all have helped me more than you know:) Jen
DeleteWhatever our stories, however it unfolded, whatever they did...we are all in the same boat. Women who love our husbands deeply. Women that want to stay with them to rebuild our marriages.
ReplyDeleteSAD. Sadness is whats left. Sad that someone who I know loves me deeply, someone I considered my 'Soul Mate' could do something that has destroyed 33 years of love, trust and family. He's lost he's position in the family as my three children (20,24 +26) have no respect for him. I'm sure it will come back one day, but
he wont talk, (I don't even know whether they had sex and I guess I never will). He needs to talk, to reassure them, me and my daughter are desperate for words.
He only says that he made a mistake and that he will pay for it for the rest of his life. I feel now and only once he is out of the Affair Fog he can fully understand the damage he has done. He feels ashamed, he wants it all to go away and be forgotten, as any of us would if we'd done something wrong. But when the wrong is emotions, its not that easy for us to forget.
The sad is so sad.
Whatever situation our marriages where in, they made the choice it was their decision.
Legal Lass...Her and her husband are already in your life and her husband should know. You can't have the story on your shoulders alone. She needs to account for her bad doing. I guess because I went to her house to confront her, without thinking he found out.
I hope your husband is with you as we speak if not his clone is here with me. My if not a clone or identical twins. My land I can't believe what's up with these crazy a$$ men. I'm having a panic attack just reading your post. Even writing this post is pure panic. Mine did give me more details up front but I can't get a single detail out of him now. I've got so much to be thankful for. I've never had to worry about the OW or him falling in love with someone else but Jane you did such a great job describing our pain and there actions. H. had went to bed last night and I was on my way and I just started crying. I couldn't help it I was thinking here we have made it 39 years and for what??? I'm sure all he was after was pure sex but being able to risk our lives and our marriage what was he thinking? He wasn't and now I'm not suppose to think or fill or ask. Who knows what else I'm not suppose to do. He would kill me if he knew I was posting this on line. He's washing dishes. I'm thinking about some real answers. There aren't any. We are getting ready to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Maybe I'll learn something. lol
ReplyDeletemy husbands OW was single as can be. she knew he was married. she lived a fantasy world where she thought if she baked for him, cooked for him, and NEVER asked about his wife or children that they would be together "forever." while they were living in fantasy world i wss at he taking care of his children, doing his laundry, cleaning his house. i was working full time as well, paying bills, mortgages, car payments. i was living REAL LIFE while the OW lived in fantasy land. i mean, if you wanted real life with my husband then come and do what i was doing... see how many unicorns, rainbows and butterflies there are when reality kicks in... when REAL LIFE kicks in. i would LOVE to sit around waiting for my H To come home, bake, cook all day... for f**cs sake, she never lived a reality with my H. oh how i loath for a perfect fantasy world. not only do i have to live in reality, but also in a world filled with tarnished memories, mistrust and pain. but, she didnt care about that... she never asked about me. she pretended i didnt exist. poor girl for believing that after years that my H and i still only lived together because we werent ready to sell the house. what a psychotic dumb ass. after she told me of the affair she wrote me the following week asking me how i could be smiling in pictures with my H(for show around friends), like its any of her business. she believed if she told me everything i would kick his ass out and she could finally have him. what a pathetic excuse for a woman.
ReplyDeletelegal lass... the OW also worked in a position of trust with the public. its gross to me. shes gross. she loved my H, unfortunately one of the hardest things to get over. to think someone other than myself had deep seeded love for my H. thats what you get for getting involved with a married man. they rarely leave their lives and family for the OW. i pray for karma... it needs to smack her across the face.
Karma is having to live with her own poor choices. You might not get the satisfaction of seeing it...but there's no doubt that she's feeling a level of pain and humiliation she didn't see coming. That, however, is not your problem.
DeleteJust be sure you don't sugar-coat the life of the OW. You didn't choose it for a reason. Who wants that?
If she's still getting in touch with her, she needs to be told clearly that there is to be No Contact, and if she violates that, you will file harassment charges.
Our story is similar to many of yours. We have been married for 26 years and my guy has always been attentive, loving, protective, kind, honorable and a wonderful father. Things changed when he turned 50. He became restless, distracted, depressed. I saw him changing before my eyes and couldn't get "in" to help him. During this time I had been spending an inordinate amount of time caring for an elderly parent. Two months after his birthday he said he wasn't happy and was leaving. I was blown away. Who was this man? I did my best to convince him to stay, which he did. During that time I was hurt and said some horrible things which I truly believe caused even more damage and led to his going online and meeting a stranger for sex. He did it a few times, and it was always in her car. He said it felt dirty, trashy, cheap. So, why was there more than one visit? Who the f#!@ knows? I'm not sure he even knows. Though he told her in the beginning that there would be no future, she latched on. She gave him gifts which he either declined or threw away. He kept one item because he thought it was cool. When I first saw it I thought it was pretty cool too (before I knew where it came from). I have since determined that that item wasn't so cool after all as it disintegrated into a million pieces when I slammed it against the brick wall on my front porch. She tried to give him a photo of the two of them but he refused it. Dumb ass, where did she think he would put it? What part of "I just want validation that I exist by fucking in a car and walking away as we agreed" didn't she get? Who actually thinks that a quickie with a married man is going to result in a long term relationship? Yes, totally irrational behavior. I find it amusing that this woman, when my husband told her he wasn't going to do this anymore, chose to try to trap him by saying she was pregnant. If you're the OW, what's the fastest way to attract a man who has just finished raising his children, is feeling insecure due to age, and feeling like his life is half over? Oh, I know, tell him you're pregnant and that you are getting your own place so you can be with him, and that you'll be bringing your three children too. Cause his life doesn't suck enough (you should have already known that he was lonely and desperate because he was having sex with you.) Add in your addiction to prescription RX, multiple abortions and broken marriages while you're at it. Also, seriously, where do you get the confidence to go out and have sex with men when you look like that? You're almost ten years younger than me but you're disgusting. Stop smoking you look old, buy a decent bra to hold that shit up, stop drinking soda or buy something to hold that shit up too, and stop taking pictures of your nasty-ass parts. I thought you were trying to attract men not scare the hell out of them. Thank you, I really appreciate that you were his one fling after all these years ---- that'll teach him. ---- Back to my story --- He was already trying to get away from her but after all of that, he was in a full sprint. When she found out he wasn't playing, she suddenly miscarried. And then came the self-filmed video to which my husband replied that "she was disgusting and might want to get "that" checked. Glad he saved those texts, they went a long way to helping me see he was already "back" before I found out about the brief encounter. That pissed her off and then came the threats. That was a brilliant move because, who doesn’t want a relationship based on "if you don't fuck me, I'll tell your wife?" Yes, the OW in all of our stories is a pathetic, stupid, desperate soul. They have no self-esteem and are only able to steal moments when our husbands are at their lowest points in life because emotionally healthy men wouldn't give them a second glance. Trying to understand them is a waste of time. She is not even a blip on my radar. She is nothing.
ReplyDeletethey are all a pathetic waste of skin. every single one of OUR husbands OTHER WOMEN. when i found out, she asked me where i thought my husband was sleeping overnights... well, you dumb bi**h, i certainly didnt think he was staying with you!! she saw him once every 2 weeks for a period of 8 -12 hours. where i thought he was going, was none of her business. i trusted my husband (bad decision), but to tey and throw that in my face is disgusting. how about i say "where in the hell do you thinm HE was 13 out of the 14 days you werent with him?!" homewrecking you know what... ive said it before and ill say it again... my husband is VERY much at fault, but she was very easy to cheat with. dont wver ask about why you haven't divorced your wife or sold the house that you live in with her after 3 years. dont ever make real life a reality. ohhhhhh, how I HATE HER. i dont think i will ever hate her less. pathetic waste of skin.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was having an affair for over two years with some whore. She only seen him for an hour at a hotel for sex once every 2-3 months. So obviously I had no idea. I definitely knew he was in a bad place with his emotions but never thought for a million years that my husband would cheat. He has always been a good man. Through counseling I now understand his emotions that led him to this betrayal. Not that it changes how I feel. He was a broken man from his terrible childhood. Which I also had a horrible childhood. I always felt that we were stronger than most to overcome our past ao well together. Wow was I wrong. Now I sit here 20 years of marriage and can't breathe. This other women only wanted sex too. She knew he was married and never spent time with him other that sex. Now she has posted him on a website called Centerville. We have paid a service to remove 4 post ahe has made. At 500 a post. There is now a new one posted. Most of which is lies. I do know that most of what ahe said are lies because she refers to things that I know. My huaband says he never thought she would do any of this because they never had anything other than occasional sex. He has been in counseling and has become the best version of himself. He is very remorseful. I believe him. The problem is I can't stop role-playing in my mind. I definitely have made myself crazy. Depression is an understatement. Going thru the motions of my life. I lack any joy out of the things I use to find joy in. Its as if my throat is in a knot all the time. Its been four months. In the beginning weeks I couldn't stop crying amd wanted to be close to him. Now I want to throw up looking at him. He is trying everything to get me back. I feel like I want to make this work but I can't go on feeling this way. In many post I hear women saying they never forget the pain and relive this for years to come. I can't imagine feeling like this for years. It almost feels easier to let him go so my healing can start. On the other hand i can't imagine my life without him and he says the same. This other women posting these things on this website have definitely made everything worse. I want to retaliate but know that shes not worth it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for everything you're going through..and have gone through. I'm guessing you wrote Cheaterville (not Centerville) and the computer auto-corrected you. I hate those sites. I see no benefit in them other than revenge, which never really helps anyone.
DeleteIn any case, I hope you can ignore that. I have no idea how many people really pay much attention to those sites. I suspect if you ignore her, she'll eventually go away.
In the meantime, everything you're feeling right now seems right on schedule. Crazy but we all seem to cycle through extremely similar stages, even thought the circumstances of our spouse's cheating is different. Trust that you'll get through this. Trust that everything you're feeling is normal for someone who's only recently learning about a betrayal.
Nonetheless, those of us who've experienced childhood trauma are often affected differently when a spouse betrays us. It re-opens old wounds, which means that, through healing from the affair, we can often also address those old wounds and heal those as well. I hope you'll find yourself a good counsellor, if you haven't already. It's a safe place where you can explore your pain and begin to heal from it.
And please try not to give the OW any more of your time/energy. She's a sad vindictive person trying to hurt you and your husband in any way she can. Ignore her. She's like a child throwing a temper tantrum.