Monday, March 9, 2015

Monday Musing: Why Rage is Key

"Anger is personal; rage, transpersonal.
We fear becoming angry
because we are terrified
of being possessed by rage.
So we skate.
In our dreams we skate and ski,
It takes ice and snow to skate and ski.
Feeling is frozen.
Rather than live in summer and spring,
we freeze.
No gentleness, no flow!
We feel nothing:
no anger, no rage.
No love.
The heart is closed."

~excerpted from Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick


  1. Thank you for this it's exactly what I felt and morphed into for more than a year. It was easier to stop loving and caring then to feel the anger and rage. It was easier to not deal with that stage. Then one day I noticed staring at my sister's new baby that I had never met that I lacked my ability to feel and show love like I had before. I new when that baby melted my heart for a second that I could chose to face my pain and learn to live again. I was on my self appointed sabbatical from life for 14 months. Hiding from my rage, family and friends. That baby helped me to see how I had even somehow managed to numb out pain I felt for my children. How much I loved them hadn't shown in so long. Lost time.... Don't lose your life to a lack of allowing your feelings to come out. Please allow yourself to go through all the steps of grief. I know it feels easier to numb yourself but please don't. Don't withdraw. Stay relevant while take smaller time outs to heal. Be yourself, your real self, you are important. Your are loved. You are special. You are a previous one of a kind person. God doesn't make junk. Sometimes circumstances make us feel like junk but we are worth so much more. Your allowed to be angry. Be angry with the actions. If the person is truly repenting be angry with the actions and heal with the person. Tons of love for all of you who have gone through this with me. -Ann from Texas

    1. Ann,
      Babies hold a whole lot of power, don't they? They remind us to be vulnerable. To be human. I'm so glad that baby thawed your own heart. The emotions following betrayal can feel so overwhelming, like we'll be swallowed by them if we give in. It's a normal fear. But it's wrong. Our tears will eventually stop. Our anger will crack open and reveal the deep pain behind it. And then true healing can begin.

  2. I cannot let go of my anger. I am sitting here trying to decide what to do. My h had a affair with a police officer. He met her in rehab. He had a drug problem. She was suspended from duty for impaired driving. She is a alcoholic and has been in rehab a few times. She is 47, unmarried, no kids. He was recently dumped by her boyfriend when she was charged. She was invited to our home when we moved to the same town she was living in. She said she didn't have many friends and I guess I wanted to support my husband through his rehab and I felt sorry for her. Needless to say, she never came to my home. She decided that she needed a man and so offered it all up in her attempt to get him to leave me and be with her. She allowed him to use drugs at her house so she was able to continue her drinking. She told him everything he wanted to hear. She enabled him and I guess he did the same for her. They drank, used illegal drugs and had dirty secret sex. She even texted me and told me how sorry she was for what my family was going through with my h addiction. She pretended that she was his sponser. We were in a bad place. I refused to accept his drug use. I drug tested him and I told him him I wouldnt sleep with him until I knew he was clean and sober. She didnt care if he used drugs. She did everything she could to keep him visiting her. I of course was in the dark. I didnt even suspect. I guess I didnt believe that a women could behave that way. She knew he was married and knew that was having a hard time dealing with this devastation my h had brought to our family. She told him that I should be drug testing him and that I had no goals. She couldn't understand how a women could not have a career. I was raising 5 kids!! Stay at home mum. He saw her late at night after work after midnight for a few hours. She wasnt working cause she was suspended from work. Sitting at home drinking all day waiting for him to arrive. Then he could do the drugs with her with no consequence. She was constantly asking him to see her more. She told him she was getting a inheritance from her grandmother and asked him to go to the Cayman islands with her. Sounds like a movie right?? This is my problem. He dumped her when I found out and then had to go to a friend of hers to tell her to stop texting me. She continue to tell me how smart and beautiful she was. She said she had always had problems with "wives"of her fellow officers. She often invited them to her house for dinner then proceeded to tell my h how she laughed at their "fat" wives. She really is a disgusting person. She is probably a narcissist personality. She has a history of being dumped and is of course without close friends or significant other. I want to report her . She should not be wearing that badge. She works in intelligence for the opp in ontario. She did illegal drugs, she was still drinking and getting a friend to breath into a breathalyzer that was attached to her car so she could keep drinking and driving. She also checked into my personal information without my permission when she was suspended from duty. She is not back at work. I know cause I called her at work and she hung up on me. Should I report her? Or should I let go of my anger and move on with my life. My husband is clean and remorseful. He is tying very very hard to repair his relationship with me and his kids . He says she and the drugs was the worst mistake of his life. I know I need to move forward and health and rebuild trust that we used to have but I feel ethically that she should not be allowed to keep working as a police officer. I just don't want to bring more pain to my kids. Sorry for how long this is but its the first time I have spoken about this to anyone and I feel this might help me decide. Maybe if I get all my anger out here, I can move on and get her out of my head!

    1. Anonymous,

      OMG, this is truly awful! That woman is a snake and a truly evil one, but what to do?! If I were you, I wouldn't report or simply because she could make your life even more of a living hell than is it. And if it were possible, I might just leave with your five kids. That's probably not possible but how do you know she just doesn't go wacko after a drinking binge and do something crazy. Sometimes people like this just want the power that they can hold over others. Is still playing undercover cop in real life with you? I definitely understand you wanting to report her but can you trust the police to do anything about it? Honest to God, your husband has done such a dumshit thing. No one here has lived your life or can tell you what to do, but from what I've read it's very hard to have a relationship with someone who has an addiction. Even if he's clean, do you always want to have to wonder if he is going to get hooked again. And you know this, this is a truly crappy thing he has done to his children. This is a lot to forgive and live with. therapy would certainly help but if you don't have time or money for it maybe you could stay with friends or family until you decide what you want to do. Your number one priority is to make sure your kids are safe. Wishing you some good advice from others on this site.

    2. Anonymous,
      I would absolutely report her and I would make sure they knew that she was misusing her position to get information about your family. And then, if she continues to harass you in any way, I would get a restraining order. This woman is poison. Build as many walls to keep her out as possible.
      If it's any consolation, her false bravado ("laughing at fat wives") is nothing more than smoke and mirrors to hide the fact that she feels small and worthless. I've been around enough addicts to know that they stew in their own shame, day after day. Unfortunately hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes.
      However, that's HER problem, not yours. Yours is to ensure that she's not allowed to abuse her position to hurt you further. Yours is to focus on rebuilding your marriage, if that's what you've chosen to do. Yours is to maintain your boundaries around your husband's drug use/recovery.
      You're doing an incredible job. Don't back down.

  3. Dear raising 5 kids by yourself,

    I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sounds like a nightmare of monumental proportions. You sound like you are trying to raise him as well. In the future you would not only have to worry about his addiction but then lack of judgement, to put it mildly. I would want to know what is going on his mind, is he truly committed? As my experience a nurse, addicts are great liars and are manipulating. I agreed with pilots wife, remove yourself from that toxic environment so you can see it clearly what it is without living in it. it is a tough road for you either way.

    Why didn't your husband tell her to stop texting? What active role is your husband taking in all this? She sounds like a psycho-bitch who could cause major problem and escalate the situation. Why doesn't HE want to report her? He needs to own up, try to fix this and you don't need to feel sorry for him. If your going to make this work, find out where his heart really is and your not being manipulated. You can't be his mother too. Get tested for STD too. I'm so sorry, you. sound like a great mom but you have been handed so much to deal with at one time.

  4. Thank you for listening . Its very hard to deal with addiction. It is a whole different world. Its harder to deal with someone else's choices when they impact your life so negatively. He was a great husband and father for 25 years. He worked hard and gave every thing he was to his family. We were a normal middle class family. Great kids, nice house, vacations and such. His drug use side blinded the whole family. Devastating and shocking. He was using cocaine recreational with his hockey buddies and it became a problem! He went to rehab and instead of meeting people who would help him through his recovery, he met the psycho cop who believed that even the drug councellors didn't think she had a problem. She is a undercover cop and is very good at deceiving people and presenting a different persona to what she really is. She is really a sad, lonely person who has no real committed relationships with anyone. My h didnt want to report her because he is worried about trouble she could make for his. She is back at work and is a active detective. He did go to the one close friend she had and told her to stop contacting the family or he would go to the police. He didnt want to have anymore contact with her. My h has had to do a lot of soul searching. He acknowledges that he was selfish, a liar and was letting his life spiral out of control. He asks me to drug test him whenever I want and promises me that he will never touch the drug again. Therapy had helped us move forward, one slow step at a time. He has cried, begged, apologized again and again but my anger is still so strong that I am having a problem moving forward. I know he loves me and the kids and he has been clean for about a year. I am thinking if I report her, it might be closure for me in some way but then other times I think maybe its just simple plain revenge. Is my goal to heal or to ruin her life and career and get my own back.? I know deep down inside that she is a sad and pathetic alcholic and has allowed her life to become a train wreck. I still am on the fence. Will ruining someone's life make mine better? Probably not. We, my h and me, have a long road to travel. I have never been used to adversity so I need to get out of this fog and reclaim my life with or without him. God, I never thought I would ever have decisions like this to make! Infidelity opens up a whole new world. Hope I can navigate the waters!!

  5. Anonymous,

    You're walking a hard path. it is shattering when you're blindsided. When my husband's second flight attendant left a suitcase full of affair souvenirs in our garage, I wanted revenge so bad. Could taste it! But my therapist said to leave her alone. Indifference is a good wet blanket, don't you think? But I wasn't dealing with a psychologist cop just a fatal attraction woman. Lynn Pain gave good advice about the STDs. Most likely you will always need to use protected sex cause can you really be sure especially after drug involvement. But what I hope you can do is heal enough to figure out what's best for your children and you. Don't as Lynn said become his mother always having to check on him. Twenty five yrs is a long time invested but can you count on him to stand by your side as you age and face the end of life issues many of us get? Stay strong and keep your eye on the future. raising healthy children to navigate life when they are blind sided is the job of parents but that has now fallen on you. Wishing you the best possible outcome.



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