Monday, July 20, 2015

Carving the Path Forward, Inch by Inch

But that blessed saint could also be yourself—the person who, in this moment, makes a decision that can make a bold path into the years to come and whom your future happiness will always remember. What could you do now for yourself or others that your future self would look back on and congratulate you for—something it could view with real thankfulness because the decision you made opened up the life for which it is now eternally grateful?  ~David Whyte
I was pretty much always in control. Thanks to a chaotic childhood, I'd become uber-capable, one of those people you could always count on in a crisis. I could think quickly, weighing possible solutions and deciding on what made the most sense. I cast aside my own needs/wants in the moment and ensured that everybody else was supported, that they were safe, that they had what they needed.
In the hours that followed my husband's admission that yes, he had cheated on me, I followed that familiar script. I told him exactly where I stood on this, exactly what he needed to do if he wanted to prevent me from packing up my three kids that very minute and walking out the door.
And then...I fell apart.
In the days that followed, I realized that control had been a total illusion. I didn't control him. I'd been completely ineffective at keeping him faithful. Despite believing that I'd marred someone so principled, he couldn't cheat. Despite a conversation we'd had when I we first considered having kids in which we promised each other we'd always talk to each other first, if ever we were tempted, that we'd seek help before we'd make a choice that could destroy everything.
I felt impotent. Out of control. Terrified.
And yet, it's within that emotional space – where light is dark and nobody seems who we thought they were and we wonder whether we're betraying ourselves further by reaching for comfort from the very person who has broken our heart – that we're expected to make a decision: stay or go. Forgive or move on.
If we've dared to share our pain with others around us, there's no shortage of opinions. We're told by some that monogamy is unnatural so of course he cheated. We're told by others that they sure as hell wouldn't tolerate someone cheating on them and if we had a backbone we would pack our bags and make the bastard pay. Some suggest that leopards don't change their stripes so staying with a cheater means more pain. And, occasionally, someone confides that an affair is what broke up their marriage. Less often we might hear that an affair is what woke up their marriage.
But against all this noise, whether from actual people in our lives or the culture in which we live, we're expected to make a decision. Stay? Or go?
Is it any wonder we feel like we're losing our minds? How in the world can we be expected to make a choice that will impact us years if not decades down the road – that will alter the course of our children's lives as well – in the days following one of the biggest emotional shocks of our lives?
We're a reactionary world. For every action, we are expected to respond with an equal and righteous reaction. You cheated on me? How dare you. You. Will. Pay.
And yet...
Some of us measure payment in different currency. It's not a pound of flesh we're after (though, come to think of it...). It's a genuine acknowledge of the cost – to us – of their choice. It's a commitment to doing whatever we need to help mitigate that cost. To help us heal.
But in the absence of our spouse's immediate remorse and a commitment to rebuild a marriage, what choice do we have?
We can leave.
Or we can do what David Whyte suggests. We can make small decisions that put us on a path that our future selves will look back and be grateful for.
Perhaps that small decision is to seek professional support, even when money is tight. Perhaps that small decision is to begin saying 'no' to the things that everybody expects from us but that we have, for years, grit our teeth and done anyway.
Perhaps it's seeing a lawyer to get a clear picture of what our financial future might be should we leave, to get an understanding of how we can protect ourselves in the meantime.
Maybe it's refusing to remain silent to protect our husband from facing the disappointment of his family or ours.
Maybe it's putting our needs first, for a change. Joining a gym, quitting a soul-sucking job, getting childcare for a blissful evening a week to spend in the company of friends.
Or maybe it's refusing to tolerate the same old marriage that he was so quick to risk...and instead making some new rules. My heartbreak, my rules, as Steam has put it.
Making the decision in the days following D-Day can feel unimaginable. Overwhelming. Terrifying. But making a decision – one that honours ourselves – is not only manageable, it's empowering.
Figure out what you can do to make your future open up, even just a crack.
Then do it.



46 comments:

  1. Elle, The poem and your post are absolutely beautiful. Thank you. Early on for me I had written about whether I should stay or go and how crazy the chatter in my mind was. And, although I do not know the exact words, I remember that you told me that I did not need to make a decision yet, I just needed to make the next right choice. I thank the "past" Elle for taking all of those next right choices which led to this fabulous blog ... And the Elle today who continually and gracefully pulls us altogether in strength and love. To our futures ladies! And the small steps we are taking today for our amazingly bright tomorrows. Love you all.

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    1. Melissa,
      I pass along what I know to be true for me. The pressure to make a decision can be paralyzing, which doesn't serve us at all. None of us knows how things will turn out...but we often can figure out what's the next right step for us. Sometimes that step is just sitting with our feelings.
      And that's okay too.

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  2. Elle, I can't say it better than Melissa already said it. This is a wonderful post -- it helps us to focus on one thing we can do today to achieve what we want for our future, whether our cheating husbands or his family think we should do it or not. For me, I am working on a career move. It will take me some time, but I do not want to be so tied to a job that I'm working over 40 hours a week and stressed and unhappy all of the time. I think that was part of the reason he strayed in the first place.
    In my new life, I will work temporary and PRN positions, so I'll have time available to enjoy the life I have left.
    It's only been 7 weeks since DDay, so I'm not ready to make the "stay or go" decision, but knowing that I can make decisions about my own future for myself has helped me so much.
    Thank you, Elle, for this website and all of your sensitive, compassionate and completely sensible encouragement.

    EvenNow

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    1. EvenNow,
      I'm amazed at how often I've seen betrayal crack open our future -- in a good way. When our world is shattered, we can make the choice to rebuild it with intention. To create something that better suits us. Sometimes that includes our spouse, sometimes not. It often means personal changes that make us healthier and happier. It's hard to imagine when this first happens to us. We can see only destruction. But out of the rubble...

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  3. Thank you Elle for another thought provoking and timely post. I have been really juggling feelings of numbness, and then questioning myself for not feeling strong enough to make a decision to leave after what I swore would be a deal breaker (after discovering occasional continued contact with OW 15 months after dday and nearly a year after they finished working together). I'm fearful that I am being a fool for thinking that just maybe now he is ready to finally "get it" and embrace a marriage based on honesty and respect. After reading this and thinking about what I could decide right now to help put my life on the right track, I realised that for me the decision I need to stick to is to live by "my heartbreak, my rules". No more holding back or apologizing for what I need, to avoid my husband's defensiveness or self pity or feelings of shame. No more getting through the latest blow up or disclosure by getting my hopes up based on his good intentions. If he can't handle it now and step up with actions then this marriage needs to be put of its misery.
    LC

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    1. LC,
      So often we compromise ourselves. To avoid confrontation. To avoid our own fear. It's only when we're able to take a stand for ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, that we begin to shape the life we actually want for ourselves. We can never control another's choices. But we do control our own. And your choice to stop sacrificing yourself for his comfort is a powerful one.

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  4. Once again, Elle, you have put into words the thoughts and feelings I have had these past months! No one can tell any other person just what they need to do! It is a very individual decision based on many different things going on in that persons relationship with their significant other! I think if my h had not been as remorseful and willing to do some tough work on our relationship, it would have been easy to just walk away from it! You and the other strong ladies and s few gents, have shared much wisdom and I am very grateful for this blog! I have shared many of these posts with my h and it has given him insight into why I go a little crazy! He is more patient and kind in recent weeks and even though we are a work in progress, life is getting better! Thank you again for your thoughtful words of wisdom!

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    1. Elle your words come just in the moments i need a refresher a wake up to if nothing else keep moving. We have not sought any therapy neither are opposed ... we are working now on a date a week finding childcare and costs add up but this is one of the things we used to do that became far and between. Some days im standing others i feel as though im being swallowed by the hurt and im also dealing with some mommy guilt i feel a little neglectful. .. exaggerated maybe ... i find i spent way to much time before dday sweating small stuff, striving for prefection and indeed putting all others before me ... i yearn for the joy i used to feel just by being the mommy and wife and while i know thats still in me somewhere, numb currently, i know there are bigger matters at hand that need my focus. .. trying through my tear blurred vision to find ... keep ... spring outward my inner strength to not only hold myself together but also to be exactly where we are meant to me ... wherever that may be now. And while nothing in life now seems guaranteed i still believe love will prevail. I sent a saying to H randomly.... i didnt say it would be easy but believe it will be worth it. I found too just as badly as i want details and the why answered compares to H constant wondering if im going to stay or go " dont leave me". I believe theres alot more worth in my relationship then to shoot from the hip i am planning to stay work o this anx i desparatly hope love does prevail. Funny from outside looking in ... all remains... inside looking out ... complete disarray. .. wishing for normalcy whatever that msy be huh! I told my husband i want my old life back ironically he replied. .. not me ... he wants to leave this mistake in past and never wants to feel lonely or so deceitful again ... and in this ... maybe there is hope. Xo

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    2. I think it's when we do share our hearts and our hopes that love, for ourselves especially, prevails. We learn to give up that veneer of perfection for something more honest.
      Re. Mommy guilt: We've all been there. My kids ate cereal for dinner for longer than I care to remember. They watched more TV than I would have ever allowed had I not been falling apart. They survived. Almost a decade later, they're wonderful kids who still, occasionally, like cereal for dinner. It's not a bad thing for kids to realize they're not the absolute centre of the universe, to understand that others' needs sometimes come first.

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  5. If i really let myself sit. Take it all in and feel the pain, hurt, betrayel its like im being swallowed ... sucked in a dark tunnel scraping the rim trying to hold on ... and i scream to myself ... hang on you will get through this. Betrayel is a pain that i now know cuts deeper than anything ive yet experienced and im sti standing ... well functioning. Just trying to survive. The deceit of it all is heartbreaking i hope hope to learn through this become something better and not let this define me, us ...... i find encouragement here.

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    1. Im having a very hard lsst couple days. .. numb still yes and i know its not my fault he cheated though i understand how distance came between us and what lead him to cheat. I feel so naive looking back on his excuses lies for not being home. How i made it effortless for this to go on so long. Blind trust i guess or to wrapped up in daily grind and family etc etc. Its really empathized this week. Lots of overthinking and i know that serves no purpose. Obsessing about dates, specfic events or when i needed him and he wasnt home ... perhaps the numb is just now turning to outward hurt or angry which i think means im progressing ... i hope not being stuck? Almost weekend where i can get up at my own pace ... weekdaya always seem harder due to all to dos. Thx 4 listening im aware from site many ups and downs will occur each day with a swirling everchanging storm of emotions!

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    2. Anonymous,
      One of the things we learn is that the pain won't swallow us whole. It will hurt like hell but we can ride it out. It's a feeling and like all feelings, it's impermanent.
      Anger isn't a bad thing. It's a way of asserting that we will NOT take the responsibility for this. But anger also tends to mask hurt and fear, both normal feelings after betrayal.
      Up and down is the new normal, at least for now. Trust that you can ride this out. You're stronger than you know.

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  6. “Despite a conversation we'd had when we first considered having kids in which we promised each other we'd always talk to each other first, if ever we were tempted, that we'd seek help before we'd make a choice that could destroy everything.”

    I hung a lot on this. This conversation which we had too. I remember the conversation so very clearly - the honesty and truth that I thought we had woven into our relationship from very early on, when we were young and precious and clear. When we acknowledged the reality of life and love and temptation and promised each other over it. Little did I know how the lies would weave their way in and around and strangle it and how this conversation would conveniently be forgotten. So many other things have been said, so many other sounding good lies. The weave is so complicated and I spend so many of my days with a distracted mind as the reality of statements and truth and lies pop into my head. Taking steps, moving forward, trying to see and take that next move for me and then there it is - a moment, a statement, a lie, a new reality.

    My life was simple. No lies. No complications. I wonder what it is like to live a life which is full of pretence and lies every day. How do you look yourself in the mirror? I get distracted trying to understand.

    I have just read In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon Ph.D. To drastically paraphrase he says that sometimes it is not worth trying to understand someone else’s actions, what is behind them and why they have been lead through their history to be the way they are. That actually sometimes they are just the way they are and need to be and stand behind their actions without us trying to understand. We should just realise that they have hurt us and should be responsible. And we should be responsible for how we allow that to happen or don’t.

    I am so lost in my brain and the numb. One step forward, one more step forward. This is lonely and hard work.

    Thank you all for being here.

    Inchworm

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    1. Inchworm,
      I think that's exactly true re. having to sometimes accept that we'll never understand why people do certain things. I had to let it go. I simply can't imagine making the same choices as my husband. It's not a life I would ever want to lead. But I hadn't had his earlier life. I didn't share his experiences. Who knows what choices I would have made if my own life was different?
      But while we can let that part go, Simon is right in that it doesn't exclude holding people accountable for their choices.
      It is lonely and hard work but please know we're all right there with you. Cheering you on. And knowing that you're getting there, inch by inch.

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  7. Yes Elle you hit it out of the ball park. This has without a doubt been the biggest hurt in my life. I've experienced losing a sister, grandparents, best friend and this took all that pain combined it and surpassed it. We have been through all the thoughts, hurts, emotions and anger. Just last night my husband had a moment. Two and s half years later he was rude to me and jumped my case out of nowhere. Turns out I went to bed a little earlier (one of those thought days) and when he came in I wasn't talking or smiling. It made him upset. So he snapped at me. Which made me angry so I snapped back saying, "I don't have your thoughts and memories that are in your head, so quit applying them to me and putting them in mine because you can't think for me. Those never existed for me." He took a few minutes than came back to me hugged me and said he was sorry. Seeing me not smiling and laughing stressed him out and he didn't want me unhappy anymore. He wanted to know if I still loved him. I didn't know what to think about this whole moment. Of course I loved him, but at that time I knew that he still thought about what he did and applied it to my emotions. How can we let that "old story" take over "our now"? We won't allow it. My story is what I decide it to be. Nothing defines me unless I allow it to. You girls all of you are so strong. You are literally "taking a bull by the horns" and wrestling it to the ground. No running away here. Just courageous activity with all hope for the future. I've realized that fighting for us was the best choice I could make. "We" we're first and nobody can erase "We" unless we allow them to. So I'm here with "MY husband". The end ,) who knew I would finally get to that point. It been almost 2 and a half years since I found out. "I'm OK" ;) love you girls tons. Especially Steam. Reading her last post kind of shook me up because of similarities..... But I'm ok ,) - Ann from Texas

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    1. Ann from Texas
      Your post was wonderful, so much wisdom and very inspirational. I was feeling very sad after a bad night and feeling the pain so much. I read your post and you seem so clear about everything in your life, and sound like you are happy. I want to feel that again so much. You helped me see some light in the darkness and I thank you.

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    2. Ann from Texas,
      Incredible isn't it? How the stories we tell ourselves (which often have nothing to do with reality) affect our actions. Your husband's story ("she's mad at me, I've done something wrong") caused him to snap at your because he didn't like how he was feeling. And yet...your actions/feelings at that point had nothing to do with him.
      One of the things we can learn from all this is that the only way to ever really know what's going on in another's head is to ask them...and then really listen when they tell us.

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    3. Beautiful, Anne! "'We' were first and nobody can erase 'we' unless we allow them to." I spend too much time allowing my fixation with the OW to overshadow the goodness going on in my marriage. He chose me. He loves me.
      Thank God for this site. I always find wisdom here!

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  8. Elle,

    I've been out running around like a dancing hornet and on line reading (and commenting) about the Ashley Madison Hacking and Bill Cosby. Sometimes I'm dancing a gig!

    Today the though suddenly occurred to me! that I might send a potent line to my husbands X mistress at work (sitting ever so smugly at her desk). With a simple piece of white paper stating:

    Madam your Ashley Madison Account has been hacked and all details of your sordid affair(s) will now be on public display

    Just for the watermelon and summer time fun of it :)

    About to take off on a family trip and HEY at least I'm laughing

    Love to all
    v

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    1. Oh so tempting. I too have been dancing a bit of a jig. Such irony! But behind all those about-to-be-outed idiots are wives, just like us.

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  9. Oh Anne I love that "nothing defines me unless I allow it to". Amen girl. I'm sorry my post shook you up. I've been prolific or at least mouthy the last few days so I'm not sure what did it hit im glad your ok. My guess you are FAR beyond OK. :)

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  10. I know that from my childhood, I was taught to control my emotions. I was never allowed to cry, show hurt nor anger. My maternal side is German is we are a stoic bunch who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and march on.

    I'm 42 and now just learning how to let myself cry.

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  11. My Dday was Christmas 2006 when I found a P link on our puter.

    It took me four years to even look up P addiction and when I saw the word adultery associated with it, I just snapped. I was also very sick at that time. I had an emergency hysterectomy in 2011 and that helped that monthly problem, but now I'm in menopause lol.

    The anger isn't as bad as it was. We've been separated in the house for 9 months and we put Cov. Eyes on the only puter he's allowed to use and that helped a lot.

    Celebrate Recovery is good too. WE haven't done the step studies yet, but we're looking forward to them. I want to forgive for MYSELF, not for him. He has to earn my trust back by staying sober and after a decade of relapses, it's going to take a long time for that.

    I've made a list of goals, boundaries and wants and needs from him. The time apart has helped me feel like my old self again. I used to be so outgoing, fun and positive but his PA sucked the life right outta my soul. I slowly getting that back.

    Marsha Means' book, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" has become a 2nd Bible to me. I love the fact that she uses the Trauma Model and PTSD instead of the Codependency Model like that Fing idiot Patrick Carnes. He goes so far as to say we pick a SA unconsciously. He's made millions off this BS.

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    1. I too liked Marsha Means' book. I refused to subscribe to the "co-dependence" model though I nonetheless do think Carnes has a lot of important info around SA that has helped a lot of people. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest. Goes for what's on this site too. :)

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  12. I have a question ladies… How many of you found out about the affair on your own?… And how many of you were told by your husbands? My husband told me about the affair ... if he had not, I can honestly say I would have never "caught" him. Even with him telling me that we needed to separate and potentially divorce, and with other people telling me is he seeing someone else? I asked him twice out right and he denied it… That's all I needed to hear and I believed him. So even with two months of hell in which I did not know why my husband suddenly wanted to leave me I still did not suspect he was seeing another woman. And then he told me. He could've had an affair for the next 20 years and I would've never known. There was a time that I beat myself up for being stupid and not knowing… But it was actually he who would calm me and say how could you know? As he said he deleted every text the moment it came in. That was their main form of communication. And he didn't see her often, about once every three weeks or more, and saw her mainly while I was at work as we worked opposite shifts ... And ... He never stopped loving me or supporting me ... It was only in the last six months that I started to notice sporadic behavior from him. I thought he was going through male menopause. Not sure why this is on my mind... Perhaps subconsciously I'm wondering if it happens again if I will ever know. Any thoughts from my friends out there?

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    1. My husband told me ... weather that's because he wanted to or bcuz the ow was going crazy threaten too idk ... i am going thru that now agonizing over details how can i be so dumb so trusting i almost made his cheating effortless. Ive always catered to him esp after some job health issues i encouraged him to go out and i stayed home not having anyone to watch baby. I even say a text last year and found sec picture on our pc he convinced me the text was wrong number pictures were downloads i feel so dumb and am wallowing in this week ... it us consuming me! Besides that i think of the times i needed him or wS handling everything thinking he was working late and he was with the ow! I ponder tellinf him all the specfics i think about wanting to confirm dates etc with him. Not sure that hurting us and i just need to suffer in silence work this out on my own. Hes told me alot but refusing me access to phone bank tecords he said hes selfish effed up and lied so much he is ashamed. .. hes making strides to show me he wants us ... i just obcess over details lies deceit dates. It went on 4 years on off heavier last 2 yrs and two to 3 times a week for past year ... bills paid dinners out use of our spare car i thought was broke! That was last 6mo or so he clams alot of things he started doing out of fear not love as he was trying to figure out how to get out of this which just got h deeper in ... i am 10 weeks dday. Looking vack he tried to tell me a couple times and would often get teary eyed for no reason. I saw ow when i went and got car back and she called for a couple weeks after to my knowledge no contact since mid may. I give him credit for telling but long term affair HARD to understand!

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    2. I found out on my own... Same thing he was behaving a little differently but nothing major. Nope wouldn't have ever found out without God's help. Don't think my husband would have ever told me. Why? Because as my father said they act prideful but it's really shame from weakness... So there words of wisdom from "daddy"... I can trust these words because my father was guilty of the same... -love your girls I've been told only 1/3 of us ever find out. 2/3 of wives betrayed never find out.... Some of those ladies unfortunately say they "would never stay" but they don't know they already are. So we are the blessed few that can make choices to make change happen for us. Yes we are blessed because we have truth not a giant fake life. - love you girls Ann from Texas

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    3. Hi Melissa,
      In retrospect, I should have read the signs but I think I was so busy trying to care for a family and work that I didn't have anytime to really connect with myself and ask more questions. Our lives were so busy that we didn't have time together where I could really see the changes in him. In fact, I remember having a dream very early in the affair that I saw him lying in bed with a skinny blonde--this was way before the PA. I woke up crying and telling him about it. Another time he threatened that he would have an affair, and I said "just tell me if that's what you want. Don't sneak around." Again, this was when the affair was just beginning. I can't believe I was so clueless--I even told him to invite her to a group camping trip because she was new to our community of parents and looked so helpless and needy. Little did I know that they were already messing around. I ended up not going on that trip, yeah stupid me. He even came back and talked about how he locked the keys in the car and she and he drove alone to get help. Still, not a clue (I was taken aback a little but not enough to believe there was an affair). Am I dumb or what? Of course, the moment he said "I need to tell you something," I knew exactly what he was about to say.
      But really, we married people with the assumption of implicit trust. It never occurred to me that he would disrespect me enough to push the boundaries of our marraige so far. And over and over again. Whew.
      Just have compassion for yourself. He may do it again, but chances are, you know enough to ask. Hopefully there is time to connect and communicate in the marraige. Hopefully he respects you enough now to share how he is feeling and any decisions to exit the marriage. And hopefully, you have thought about how you would respond if it ever happens again. There is security in that, but I think one of the lessons of this is learning to live with uncertainty.

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    4. I found out on my own and while I was blindsided then, looking back there were things I should have paid more attention to. Like a lot of others here, I was caught up in life, my career, and trying to be mom. My husband was pretty disengaged in the day to day stuff and was a lot quicker to get angry during the time the affair was going on. He spent a lot of time in the garage by himself but I just chalked it up to stress. It never really occurred to me to even suspect an affair because we had talked about it before we even got married and promised that if either of us felt like cheating was a possibility that we would come to the other and talk through it. My husband was the last guy in the world I thought would EVER do this. In fact, if I had been asked which of us was more likely to be tempted, I would have said me.
      Our therapist reninded me at one point that I cannot control him or his actions and that maybe in order to stop driving myself insane that I needed to know in my mind and even tell him that I'm giving him the opportunity to regain my trust, what he chooses to do with that opportunity is his decision. But with that, he should also be aware that I have boundaries.
      My husband had no intent in telling me. I think the affair was getting to problematic for him and would eventually have fizzled out, at which point he would have tried to live with the guilt and the lies. I also believe it would have come out in the long run, if we had managed to hold our marriage together. I'm not so sure we would have without this coming out. As painful as this process is, it has certainly brought out more and much better communication.
      Do I think I would know if he ever did it again? I like to think we are a lot more in tune with one another now, but I also know nothing is certain.

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    5. Melissa,
      Such an interesting question. I married him, totally oblivious to the fact that he was acting out sexually even then (not sure who's the bigger idiot: him or me!). It was only when his acting out became worse that I began to notice something wasn't right. I confronted him and refused to believe his lies.
      I'm not sure it's any easier no matter how we find out. And I'm not necessarily sure I would know if he were to act out again. I'm pretty attuned to smaller things now. I'm far less inclined to overlook things -- moods, etc. I call him out more often. But I think the big thing is that he knows that if I ever were to catch him, that's it. He's used up his second chance. And there's enough honesty and openness with us now that I really do think I would pick up on any emotional distance from him. Making I'm kidding myself. But right now, things seem to be working.

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    6. I even found a saved pic where the profile was there initials in a heart i couldnt quit make it out and looked over it. Fucking stupid. Geez .... im really having a week thinking back of a i missed. Allowed. .. trusted tough very tough but you are suppose to trust right ... now i ? Everything! From before dday and now going forward. H been home one of his guy friends wanted to stop for beer he declined. Not because i said no but bcuz he in his mind saids to himself nope i effed up i cant let my wife worry where i am. True but i also know i cant control his every move eventually there maybe times we are separate. For now hes insisting anything controllable we do together. Obviously we work separate ryn errands here there ... still so fresh raw before he cane and went as he pleased and w me in agreement. Thats why the deceit lies really are burning to my core. He said hes scared i won't think hes my true love anymore .... i love him deeply thats why im still here but i have so much hurt and have lost my trusting innocence. .. going to him him to communicate for comfort is backwards but i trust it also shows some type of good that maybe we can get through this. God knows it will take both of us all hands on deck. Only we know ... told noone i talk alot isolated at other times with my obsessive thoughts! And so i tell you ladies who share my pain. But some days are overwhelming and lonely.

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    7. I found out. He took pictures on his iPhone which auto downloads onto his laptop and he must have forgot that while he was in his fog. It was the day that he says he seemed to snap into reality and apparently told her they couldn't meet anymore-not sure I believe that. I was looking at his computer for our vacation pictures and there they were. I just had to find out who it was which took about a week

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    8. Thank you all for sharing. I learn so much from each of you. I strive to live with the intention of love ... you ladies support me and all of us to do just that ... Live with the intention of love.

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    9. He told me but only because the OW told her husband and then they both let him know they would tell me that very day if he didn't. He tried for months to end it with the OW without me ever knowing but the OW would always threaten to tell me if he ended it so it went on and on. It makes me so angry now that he wasn't man enough to just tell me when he wanted to end it. The affair would have lasted less then a month instead of 4. She wanted to be with him for "at least 10 years" her words. So with her threats (she knew he was terrified I'd leave him) she didn't think he would ever end it. Finally he did knowing I would find out, he couldn't live with himself anymore. Ugg it's all such a nightmare. Anyway I am glad he told me, he ended it to end it because he wanted me and our family back in honesty. Had I found out on my own I wonder if I would have ever believed he would have ended it and came back to me? I think it would have felt like he would still be doing it had I not called him out. That makes my blood run cold, so I suppose I'm grateful that he told me. But in the end I suppose it doesn't matter, they all get exposed eventually in some way or the other and our hearts shatter no matter how we get that life altering news.

      Delete
    10. Thanks for the question, Melissa. I found out on my own, twice. He asked me to add minutes to his cell phone and I noted that there was a number from a town near us that he called and called him frequently. When I asked about it, he lied and said it was a friend from work. When it continued while we were on vacation, I called the number and spoke to the woman (her name is Karen) who answered, asking her not to call my husband again. She denied they were anything but friends (another lie) and he went ballistic, accusing me of being paranoid and suspicious. So I dropped it and figured I was paranoid. This was in November -- their affair had started in October. I didn't think about it again, then on May 27th I was on his computer and noted he had a clandestine email account. I followed the links to it, and BLAM!!! 385 loving emails shared between them for the last 9 months, sexually explicit, including umpteen photos of her, (sickeningly explicit). She wrote him emails at least once, sometimes 2-3 times every day, with photos attached to every one. All about their great love and devotion for each other, etc. To add to the shock and trauma, she had posted pictures of them together in OUR house, in OUR bed, while I was away working out of town!. I am still reeling from those emails.
      I had the presence of mind, or maybe it was for revenge, to save all of them on several memory sticks for evidence, if I ever need it.
      When I showed him the emails, he couldn't deny it -- he and she took about six more weeks to break off completely -- she still wrote to him daily even though he had told her their affair had to be over because of me. Of course, she hates me for destroying their love, the greatest love story since Romeo & Juliet. He told her he had to stay with me for financial and family reasons, even though he preferred choosing her. Yes, I read all of those emails, too.
      Today is the 2 month anniversary and the date is a trigger. We are trying to stay together. She hasn't written him since July 13th, or so he says. Sometimes, when I read the love letters her wrote to her, they are so disingenuous that I have to laugh. He is obviously stringing her along, but she was so infatuated she didn't get it. He even made a big deal about "their song" and "their CD". It's a CD I bought by an artist he had never heard of, until I played it for him. Now they have claimed MY CD for themselves, played on MY CD player, sitting on MY couch, in MY house, before having sex in MY bed!! You can see why the phoniness of this entire scenario is so improbable and pathetic, it is laughable.
      Please excuse this rant. Elle may want to disallow because I've run on, but this is a trigger day. He says he is sorry for hurting her, and me.

      Even Now

      Delete
  13. I think as wives and moms, we are so used to taking care of everyone else, that to take time for us feel weird.

    I now take one day off and stay in my room and watch Netflix for a whole day. I feel so refreshed the next day.

    I also started teaching piano so I could earn my own money just in case it didn't work out. I had to stop for a while b/c my health was bad, however, I'm going to pick up a few student and teach just one day a week. It gives me a great feeling of achievement.

    The scary thing was, his addiction was bleeding into my children. My oldest ended up struggling with an eating disorder and was having anxiety attacks and I have those too. She went to counseling for a year and is doing better. She was also cutting herself. She graduates from homeschooling today and is working part time.

    She has opened up about stuff that bothers her now. She told me I was so hard to talk to b/c I got upset. And I did. I feel so bad. His PA affected every area of my life. But she opens up more and more each day. We even had an open frank discussion about sex and dating lol. I was shocked she would even talk about it.

    Once the hubby and the marriage start to heal, the children follow as well. For me, I'm glad I stayed even though on many many days I wanted OUT out.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anne from VA,
      My eldest struggles with anxiety, my youngest was recently diagnosed with OCD. I don't think it was watching me so upset post D-Day that created these conditions so much as genetics. My husband used sex as a way to soothe his own anxiety, an obsessive escape from his obsessive thoughts.
      When our kids start trying to parent us (don't want to upset us, etc.), it's time to do exactly what you've done: open the lines of communication and let our kids know that it's not their job to protect our feelings. That they need to trust that we can handle things even when it looks like we can't. That they can extend compassion to us...but it's not their job to fix us. And we do the same with them. We trust that they can handle difficult feelings, like hurt and disappointment.

      Delete
  14. Dear Elle,

    I'm a film producer from KingdomWorks Studios in Florida. We're producing a cinematic teaching for betrayed wives called Steel Butterfly. I found your blog online and was thrilled to see a woman like you empowering other women who've been through the heart-break of betrayal.

    We're filming a live teaching event for this series in Greenville, SC and are looking for women to support us by signing up to be an audience. The event, which are teaching seminars to empower women to process their healing, find their voices and bring healing to their children, are free and fully catered.

    I don't know who your members are, but I would like to pass on this invitation to you. If you think this is an event that you'd like to support, please share the invitation to your subscribers. We're trying to bring awareness to, especially the Christian community, on the needs of betrayed wives - emotionally, spiritually and practically, because there's very little help out there for this large overlooked group. Women are just suffering in silence and we're hoping to change that.

    The event is called Steel Butterfly. There are other events available too for restoring marriage (Built to Last); and healing your children (the Legacy Series), but it's the women's series that we need audiences for.

    Here's the link to our invitation where people can sign up:
    http://kingdomworks.com/register/

    Thank you,

    Tiana Wiles
    Producer
    KingdomWorks Studios
    www.kingdomworks.com
    561.681.9990



    ReplyDelete
  15. Dear Elle,

    I'm a film producer from KingdomWorks Studios in Florida. We're producing a cinematic teaching for betrayed wives called Steel Butterfly. I found your blog online and was thrilled to see a woman like you empowering other women who've been through the heart-break of betrayal.

    We're filming a live teaching event for this series in Greenville, SC and are looking for women to support us by signing up to be an audience. The event, which are teaching seminars to empower women to process their healing, find their voices and bring healing to their children, are free and fully catered.

    I don't know who your members are, but I would like to pass on this invitation to you. If you think this is an event that you'd like to support, please share the invitation to your subscribers. We're trying to bring awareness to, especially the Christian community, on the needs of betrayed wives - emotionally, spiritually and practically, because there's very little help out there for this large overlooked group. Women are just suffering in silence and we're hoping to change that.

    The event is called Steel Butterfly. There are other events available too for restoring marriage (Built to Last); and healing your children (the Legacy Series), but it's the women's series that we need audiences for.

    Here's the link to our invitation where people can sign up:
    http://kingdomworks.com/register/

    Thank you,

    Tiana Wiles
    Producer
    KingdomWorks Studios
    www.kingdomworks.com
    561.681.9990



    ReplyDelete
  16. I found out from the ow with texts! She was mad when he finally broke up with her in May of 2014, but she persisted until October when he went as a friend to fix her cable, lousy excuse, and he would not even kiss her! Made her crazy! Then she spent six months more stalking us and he had her arrested! He admits he never wanted me to know since he knew how hurt I would be! I think it's been far worse than he imagined! I haven't stopped having trigger times wUgh anger! Getting less frequent!! Easier to control now than in the beginning! This blog has really helped me tremendously! Hate why we're here, but grateful for the love and support with no judgement!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I wrote about this a while ago. Wondering if he had told me would I have kept my emotions controlled "as I was taught to ". For me finding out on our shared computer allowed me to Realky wind up and expelled every bit of singer I had inside. So these comments are so interesting to me. You can read here. http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2015/04/theres-something-you-should-know-does.html?m=0

    ReplyDelete
  18. I meant "expell every bit of anger". I am no singer!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd love to see you expel your singer. Sounds a little Linda Blair-ish, doesn't it? a sort of betrayal exorcism.

      Delete
  19. That would have been one L O U D song

    ReplyDelete
  20. Please help me - how long does healing take??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky,
      I'm so sorry you've had to find us but glad you did.
      Healing, on average, takes two to five years, depending on so many things, including whether or not your partner is transparent and remorseful and willing to do what it takes to help you through this and figure out why he cheated in the first place. Even in the best-case scenario -- a husband who confesses all and supports you completely in healing -- it takes a lot longer than any of us ever imagined it would.
      The good news is you will heal from this. The day will come when the pain starts to subside and then it recedes further and further until it's just a memory.

      Delete

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