"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."~Brené BrownMelissa, who frequently comments on this site and who inspires us all with her resilience, her clear-eyed optimism, and her steely determination to heal from betrayal, noted in response to yesterday's post that she's found this community so valuable in helping her through this.
And though I've written often about the value of sharing our stories, I thought I'd, once again, encourage anyone who finds herself on this site to write down her pain.
If all you hear from us is "me too", then you will have had your pain held by us, which just may reduce its weight on your heart.
And just to show that I walk the talk, here's where I recently shared my story.
Elle once again you shine some light on our darkness.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the stories on this site the biggest thing I notice is how similar all our stories are. It is comforting to know we have such a compassionate and strong advocate to the outside world as you show everyone we exist. To everyone here thank you for helping me find my way along this very dark and rocky path. Without having you out there supporting me I'm not sure I could do this. The pain and the sadness overwhelm me and I need to talk to someone - I have no one else I can tell. Thank you for your friendship.
Alone,
DeleteI think we all find our way through this but I do believe that guiding each other and supporting each other just might make the road a bit less lonely.
And that's an interesting thought re. us being the "face" of betrayed wives to the outside world. I hope the world begins to see that we're incredible women who show strength and resilience and compassion in the wake of one of the worst experiences of our lives.
Thank you for your kind words Elle. And thank you for sharing your story, again, for so many to share in.
ReplyDeleteGood morning. I have been away a while from the site because things have been good. Our relationship has been great actually. Although we still argue, now when we argue we talk it out, instead of being angry at each other for days. As I read in one of my many books, our marriage has seen what I would have thought to be the worst that could happen, so all of the other topics of argument seem less important and the issues all seem easier to work through.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your story when u recently posted it I got goosebumps. I remember reading it very soon after the "news" about Beyoncé and JayZ came out, that a "tell all" book was out saying after she found out about his affair with Rihanna, they stayed together bc they are such a power couple and it was a marriage of convenience.
I hate what society has done to adultery.
First of all, is that really news? If so, we Americans (and humans) are a pathetic bunch who really have nothing better to worry about than who is sleeping with whom.
Secondly, after reading your story I thought to myself, even though they are celebrities, why couldn't Beyonces story go like this: her husband, like so many male and female celebrities, got caught up in all the hype. He loves her but strayed. Even though he is a celebrity, he realizes that is was a huge mistake, didn't want to break up their marriage over this other woman, and is genuinely sorry. He is now spending every day proving to her how sorry he is. He is now a great father and husband. She is happy she stayed and gave him another chance and now has a great family as well.
On my first d day over 2 years ago I also envisioned a marriage of "convenience". I have 2 kids and my husband works hard, makes a lot of money; we have a huge house, I work full time and have a cleaning woman; we take nice vacations. I figured I would stay, not just for the kids but for myself as well and not have to deal with divorce, alimony, fights, etc. But over the next few days as he kept saying how sorry he was and as I started reading this site and my many many books I thought maybe it is possible to move on and get past it and come out the other end with something better. I now have a great marriage which is definitely not one of convenience. Maybe beyonce has the same story. Well in my version she does.
In my version, she does too. Thanks Sam. Such a good point re. our culture's inability to craft any other narrative beyond the "marriage of convenience" or "divorce" options.
DeleteElle
ReplyDeleteThis post just reaffirms what I've said before, your blog has more power to heal than any other counseling I've had in my life! The fact that you share your pain and the trauma you went through gives validation to the emotions I was living through when the boat was being tossed around in my storm! Elle, I have read over and over the advice you give until I fully understand and can apply it to my world! This post in particular gives references to other posts that also bring understanding to other parts of the conflicting emotions we go through in our trauma! God made you a true writer with the ability to express these emotions long before your h forced you into the role of mentor to all of us that have come to know you through this blog! I'm so grateful for the knowledge you have and your willingness to continue giving to those of us that come seeking what ever we can glean from someone, anyone that can simply say I understand and feel your pain! Thank you once again for the most timely post to continue me on my path to healing! Cyber hugs from the southeast!
Theresa,
DeleteCyber hugs right back. And thank you for saying that. I hope you know how much it means to me.
Incredible read, Elle. I have found such comfort in your words. My mom found your blog for me and linked my email so I would get the entries regularly. I in turn have shared them with another woman who has walked this path.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for starting it and continuing to blog. This process is a daily one. I reach out to my friend and to your older posts for guidance. And yet I know it lies in me, as she says and as you've said. But thanks for lighting the way.
Your mom sounds awesome. Glad she and you both found us.
DeleteI was really struggling when I found this blog. I honestly believed I would never be happy or whole again. But one day, I stumbled across it and suddenly I had a safe place to talk, a place where others understood, and a place where the advice came from people who had walked a similar path. It's amazing how much comfort that brings.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful every day for all of you here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your compassion. And thank you, Elle, for giving us this place.
Hugs, ladies!
Dandelion,
DeleteIt honestly feels like a privilege to be able to host this blog. I learn so much from everyone here.
Elle if you have time would you write a piece about sex? We nibble our way around the subject in some post. You wrote a great piece on hysterical bonding. But after reading Stuck part 9 it is a challenging subject after hysterical bonding. Thank you
ReplyDeleteHi Lynn,
DeleteI invited Amy Jo Goddard, who is a sex therapist, to write something about how to re-establish comfort and ease around sex after betrayal. While I really like a lot of what she says, what she wrote for me felt "trigger-y" for lack of a better word. She hasn't experienced betrayal herself and took a sort of "some people seek more excitement than others sexually" approach, which didn't really address what I wanted.
But yes, give me some time (I'm on deadline with a few other projects) and I'll see what I can put together. Frankly, I'm no expert on this but it's something we've struggled with so I'll share what I know.
Thank you, no hurry. I just thought we could learn much from each other and our experiences. What brought this to my mind is what my H told how he viewed sex and women. I didn't know any of this information he shared. Thanks again
DeleteLynn,
DeleteYes! Sex in the wake of infidelity is a great topic for discussion and one that will benefit many. I have so much to discuss on the subject and many questions to ask, too. I'm sure many others do, as well. The subject is a bit intimidating, but immensely important. I'm glad you requested it.
It's been about a year since I posted here. I just wanted to share my story in case it is helpful to anyone else. I found out last October that my childhood sweetheart betrayed me. At first, I thought it was only since the birth of our special needs child, but then I found out that he had been cheating on me with escorts since before we were married.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, I was devastated. Before I confronted him, I found this website, and in many ways this site was a godsend because I could not have even imagined even trying to make it work if it were not for this site.
Anyways, long story short, I had him do a sex addict's clinic in January. He came out of it a lot better, but he was still full of blame for me. And as the trauma wore off for me, I realized that I could not fathom or accept his choices. I realized he was someone completely different than I thought and that therefore, he really wasn't the person I loved.
In many ways, he made my choice easier because I went back east this summer and asked him to give me a final month to figure out what I wanted. I told him that there had been enough disrespect in our marriage, and that if he couldn't honor my request, that we should end things before I left. He said he understood and that he would not disrespect our marriage.
He wasn't supposed to visit my child and I when were back East but then he asked if he could, and I said ok because I felt bad to deprive him of our child for so long. When he visited, it was so sad for me because it felt like our lives should have been if he had not shattered everything.
He left on a Monday and was headed to Hawaii on the Wednesday because he said he needed time to think through his work and life. On that Tuesday, I found out that he was going to Hawaii with one of his escorts. But I said nothing to him and I had the chance to observe how he continued to lie to me so effortlessly. And that's when I knew, he would never change.
I held my tongue until I came back into town because he was picking us up. When I confronted him, he had the audacity to say to me, "I thought you just meant no new people." It was actually such a laughable moment...the extent of his delusions. As if I had said, as long as it's a prior whore, it's okay with me.
Anyhow, we are now in mediation and working toward our divorce. And while, I have completely let him go and am so relieved to be free of him, I still struggle with massive bouts of grief.
It is devastating what they do to another human being. For me, it's 25 years of life and memories all put to question. And that is the hardest thing. In addition to the processing the death of the person you loved, the death of your marriage, and the death of the person you thought you were, to be stripped of your memories & anchoring is so incredibly difficult.
But despite all the pain, I'm happy to be basked in the light of truth and I do believe my best days are ahead.
I am so grateful for this site and though I'm no longer working toward reconciliation, I still treasure the site, Elle and all the other voices. You are amazing sisters in this terrible blow we have been dealt. I wish each of you strength.
All the best..
Anonymous, I swear I could write 5 pages, but in short, as you know, your soon to be ex husband is delusional, to say the least. i am so sorry for the time you put in, only to be shattered again with his lies, but at least you know his TRUE colors and know you are for certain making the right decision.. I am shaking my head. Thank God you found out. Here's to your continuing adventure with a lot less drama and a lot more honestly.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteHis delusions would be funny if they weren't so tragic. But yes, you can certainly move forward (and I hope he makes it as easy for you as possible) with absolute certainty that you're making the right choice. And I feel excited for you about the possibilities that await you. You'll have grief to continue to wade through. But you're also heading toward a shore that offers safety and reliability. I hope you'll keep us posted.
Anonymous,
DeleteI am so sorry you are going through all of this. These things tend to make us feel pretty unsteady and cause us to question everything we've ever known, including our own ability to read others.
You are attempting to build yourself and your child a new life which is a courageous move on your part, especially after all you've been through with him. You are right--you are grieving the death of your existing life and all you held dear. Give yourself plenty of time to examine things, feel the pain and sorrow. Try not to beat yourself up in the process. Be kind to yourself just as you would show kindness to your best friend.
I admire you for your ability to see the truth and address it in the most healthy way for you and your child, even though you may feel afraid. You can do this--you are the author of your own life. You have already shown that you are capable of choosing what is best for you and that is a crucial step in healing.
Good luck in your new journey and know that we are with you in spirit. Sending you love and strength. xoxo
Anonymous,
DeleteYou write as well as Elle! :)
Your statement above of: "And that is the hardest thing. In addition to the processing the death of the person you loved, the death of your marriage, and the death of the person you thought you were, to be stripped of your memories & anchoring is so incredibly difficult." is EXACTLY how I feel and what I have been struggling to make clear to my husband. He keeps saying "but the vast majority of our marriage was great!" and I cannot make him understand that it is ALL gone to me now...all those 'happy' memories (and there were many) have been destroyed by the reality of who he is and what he has done. I don't know what is real, and certainly not any memories from during the years he was lying to me and betraying me.
I am both sorry and glad to have 'met' you all here. You know what I mean
Thank you all. Every one of you has helped me immensely.
Suzannah,
DeleteI well remember feeling that every single one of my memories was somehow tainted or false, given that my husband had cheated for the entirety of our relationship. Now, however, I realize that those memories are mine. We all remember things differently. Memory is a fluid, untrustworthy thing. It's far more about interpretation than fact. Your memories will undoubtedly shift but don't be so sure that they're "gone". I'm almost 10 years out and, for the most part, my memories are intact though some are seen through a different lens. I can remember, though, without pain.
lynn,
ReplyDeleteWow, great question! I can't wait to read Elle's response and that of others.
What a refreshing 'truth,' in how we (especially culturally) "Nibble our ways around the subject" of sex.
Our sex after D-Day has been transformed maybe because my husband immediately demonstrated remorse, became accountable and genuine. (However I continue to grieve over years lost). According to my husband his office mistress (OW) for her it wasn't about sex but attention and power it gave. The 'hook' for him was fawning availability and pre-coidal routine (everything leading up to but not the sex itself).
Once the truth was pulled violently into our emotional and sexual lives closeness and intimacy became possible for the first time. How can you be intimately attached while betraying your life partner? You can't be close to anyone. People become abstractions and 'objects.'
For my husband empowerment had been having secrets, maintaining 'Silo's,' 'compartments,' and not being known. He said that, "To be known means that I would lose my power. Liar's hold the 'control over what people know (so we think). What that act does it's a specific conscious disconnection from that essential human need, to be connected. You cannot have both."
When the bomb went off we became open to ritualistic exposure of both our vulnerabilities. It was the moment we had to make the decision to stay or go. Everything that was suddenly at risk - was in the room. For him it was a relief to be 'caught." He said, "At last the car crashed into the mountainside and there was nothing more to hide." My husband decided to tell the truth (with a lot of help). Telling the truth meant radical change. We began to pick up bodies and shrapnel on the ground of our emotional and sexual lives together. Telling the truth became a rocket ride....closeness perhaps genuine intimacy and sexual vulnerability for the very first time since we first met in 1977. Intimacy and sex keeps changing (even through these painful years of mistrust and anguish).
Lynn your writing has always been deeply moving, beautifully fierce, demonstrating the emotional dignity of your personal quest. I resonate and learn from you, Elle, and others betrayed
Always and daily with great respect and love
v
V,
DeleteI think that's true. We often don't realize that true intimacy requires vulnerability. We focus on the mechanics of sex. I never felt so exposed, sexually and emotionally, than after my husband's betrayal.
Valkyrie,
DeleteI love the open, honest truth in everything you write. Everything you've said resonates with me and my husband. It all makes perfect sense.
Anonymous, thank you for sharing; I am happy for you. - basking in truth. One thing I would like to share ... please know that all of your memories are still your memories. No doubt in those 25 years you had many memories that did not include your husband and if they did, one day you will look at those differently. As my 94 year old mom says, "Life is always changing." Here's to new, beautiful moments, todays and tomorrows and new, beautiful memories.
ReplyDeleteLove & Light Dear
I agree, Melissa. So often I read on this site from women who say their memories are "ruined" or that they can't trust them. Memories are memories. None of our memories are "facts". Never were. Never will be. I understand the deeper sentiment that people are describing -- that sense that we can't reliably trust our perceptions. But that is different than memory. It's an interesting, and complex arena.
DeleteI think what people are getting it when they say their memories are ruin edis that the most important memories are created and made more significant based on what we assume to be a shared feeling - the fun 40th birthday we had with friends and extended family, that lovely holiday we so enjoyed in France etc etc. But if we now no longer believe or cannot be certain that our other halves shared the same sentiment towards that event, then the shared joy/happiness/satisfaction is no longer valid. At many times we don't know either way, especially when the affair went on for many months or years. My husband has said that he wasn't unhappy with our lives all the time, that many events and interactions WERE special to him. However there were other family events that I know of where he was in contact with the OW on the day, even if only mildly (or more vigorously - on some special occasions I know he was complaining about me to her by text in the background). Hence of course, as you've said Elle, the use of calendars and a forensic look at our lives alongside the affair. Was he texting on the night of our lovely meal? etc etc. We want to know that the good times/events were meaningful to them as well otherwise the significance is gone. (if its a shared thing. We can still of course hold onto our own separate memories with friends etc.) And of course we can remember the enjoyment we had with our children for example at Christmas even if it turns out that he was texting in the bathroom between dinner and dessert. But it is true that the shared fabric of those special events, a fabric which should tie us together is lost if he was not really present or if he dismissed the events in his own mind at the time. Yes, we know he was delusional or ill at the time and that if he'd been well he would not have dismissed them but the reality remains that those events were not fully shared as a 'we' at the time. Perhaps its better if we don't get too forensic and say ' he was bound to have enjoyed many of our good times' so that we have something to hold onto even in a long term affair but the truth is that many events were tainted or not enjoyed wholeheartedly by the other spouse (and sometimes we had an inkling and so did not have a good time either. ) We know from science that memories are sometimes unreliable, that they can alter with mood or details can be lost, some memories are charged so emotionally that recall arrives with the full force of that emotion. Memories are encoded into our brains through the use of schemata these are "mental structure of preconceived ideas, a framework representing some aspect of the world, or a system of organizing and perceiving new information". These schematas help us make sense of the world, so it you discover that the schemata by which you processed the memory no longer holds, you are left reeling - not knowing where you should now 'file' or encode the information or particular memory. So as we know, it's why it takes us so long to get over betrayal as we are having to rewire our brains, a physical and neurological process. We can't just decide to get over it. It's why some of the trauma therapies you've recommeded Ellle probably work well and why talk therapy will be slower alone. We have to reconcile two contradictory, opposing ideas (cognitive dissonance) we need to find new stories to do this that work somehow. Not easy when their is 'fog' and further betrayals. Yes, life is grey but the mind doesn't like that, we are wired more to operate from certainty. So hang in there ladies, your minds are working overtime to sort all this out!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Fragments, for offering clarity into the mechanics of how our brains disseminate incoming information and organize it into memories. It really helps me to be able to piece together the emotional aspect of all of this with the actual physical mechanics in order to understand why it takes so much time to reconcile and come to terms with things in the healing process. Really interesting information to consider as we pick up the pieces to move forward.
DeleteYou're welcome Merilee, I wish it wasn't so hard to do all this mental juggling!
DeleteYes Elle, and allow me to add something which I believe we often struggle with because of our gender. Men, with their frightening (to women) ability to compartmentalize, really can have an outstanding evening with their wife, very much in love with their wife, and all those memories are true. You do have fabulous memories of that evening because in fact your husband did shower you with true love. And, after you got home, he texted the OW. Yet, and this is what women cannot understand, he really loves you and he too has fabulous memories of that evening. So, those memories are true and real. (And frankly even if they were not true and real to him - your memories are your memories, remember them as YOU decide to.)
ReplyDeleteTwo things I still struggle with, because I am a woman and I must step into a man's shoes, compartmentalization and "loving" two at the same time. Yet just knowing that those two male characteristics exist, gave me back my memories.
And I love what you said about memories not being facts ... great insight, as always.
Very well said. I've the fact that my husband compartmentalized both upsetting/frightening, and sometimes comforting in an odd way. It helps that I know he wasn't thinking, "I can't wait until she goes to bed so I can go online!" while he was with me, but it also frightens me that he could divide his mind so completely that even when I talked about cheating and my fears surrounding it, it didn't snap him out of it and make him reconsider what he was doing.
DeleteGee
ReplyDeleteMy h wishes I could box it all up like he has and then we would not have to discuss any of it! I'm working toward that day when none of it interferes with our daily life!
My h wishes I could box it all up as he does and then we wouldn't have to discuss it we could just be happy! I'm working towards the day when none of it interferes with our daily life!
ReplyDeleteYou make a really good point Melissa, the men are so well able to compartmentalize that indeed they may have loved us and our special occasions at the moment and then been able to switch off to that when the OW was on the scene. However though they are successful at one level I know that stuff must flow between the sewers underneath the apparent compartmentalisation. My husband suffered from a variety of physical symptoms which, now looking back were a symptom of trying to operate two alternate realities, He had trouble thinking of words and speaking (getting words out), he stuttered, he was nauseous, had angry outbursts, and also got himself checked out at the GP for ED. (He never asked himself why he was suffering all these symptoms at the time.) Even in men the mind craves consistency and will react when it doesn't exist. So many men in wartime (esp in the world wars) suffered during the conflict and afterwards with 'shellshock' as they tried to come to terms with what they'd seen and done. Others never spoke of it again, burying it.
ReplyDeleteYes Fragments, true. And although compartmentalization can serve us well, i.e. an ER nurse sees such incredible trauma yet can turn it off at home, and men just plain think that way, trauma in their young lives (as in the case of my husband) makes them highly functional (dysfunctional) in this protective practice. Does it still seep? Yes, especially as the affair fog lifts, or the affair isn't all it was ... today at our session the therapist asked my h what he missed about the affair, not about the OW, but about the affair ... she suggested "the excitement" he ... did you say "excitement?" "Nothing .., I don't miss anything; it was so stressful."
ReplyDeleteLadies,
ReplyDeleteReading this comment thread this morning has done more for me than 7 weeks of couples counselling has done...sigh of relief... I am struggling immensely with the perceived destruction of all my happy memories of us as a couple, tainted as they are by the knowledge by what he has done, and how he was/is not the person I thought he was, and feel there is no bedrock left upon which to build.
My husband, with whom I really did think we had the best marriage, we truly (I thought) were best friends, and he was so considerate, supportive, caring, devoted to our children, etc When our friends found out, every single person was astonished, no one ever thought he was 'that guy'. My d-day revealed that he was having a long term affair with my former co-worker, a concurrent booty-call relationship with another woman, and several long-term sexting relationships. He has been remorseful, contrite, owns his actions, initiated therapy on his own, you know, all the 'right' things afterward. In our discussions, he speaks of the compartmentalization, which I have struggled to understand. Our therapist says this is common in addicts, yet I still do not understand. You have all helped me grasp this concept, especially what Fragments has illustrated.
I was in a PhD program for Social Psychology when my world blew up. (I am on a leave of absence, just can't concentrate...) Fragments has helped me collect my academic knowledge and apply it to my situation.
Funny how we can know something on paper, yet not see how it applies to us in the wake of our emotional devastation.
((Hugs)) to all you strong, beautiful sisters.
I thank you.
Suzannah,
DeleteCompartmentalization is hard for many of us to understand if we haven't had to adopt it ourselves as a survival strategy. I picture it like a box into which everything affair-related is put. Or, like one of those baskets I love to keep in my kitchen, into which everything -- junk mail, magazines, to-do lists, etc. -- gets put so I can deal with it "later" and, in the meantime, it's not tugging at my conscience.
Apt analogy, Elle.
ReplyDeleteI like it,,, and get it,
Elle & Ladies,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am 6 months in, and discovered this site about 4 months ago. I am not ready to tell my story -- I'm not sure that I know what my story is yet -- but I wanted to let you know that this site has been a lifesaver. Thank you.
Anonymous,
DeleteWhenever you're ready to share, we're ready to listen and to hold and to support.