Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Surprises of Daily Life

The title of this post is from something B.J. Miller said in an episode of On Being. Miller is a professor of medicine and executive director of the Zen Hospice Project. "Let death be what takes us," he has written, "not a lack of imagination."
Miller lost both legs and most of an arm in a college accident when 11,000 volts of electricity went through his body. Talk about your "surprises of daily life". He laughs at the description of his accident because he owes his new body to something called "The Dinky", a small commuter train that ran on a track into the Princeton campus. He. Laughed. Imagine that.
The episode itself is titled "Reframing our relationship to what we can't control" and listening to his description of the accident and his experience of having to understand himself in the light of this new self, I was struck by something:

Kinda sounds a lot like us, doesn't it?

So many of us, whether our marriage felt solid or not, experience betrayal as a shock. It's a sudden intrusion into our daily life, shaking up everything we thought we knew, shattering our understanding of the past and our expectation for the future. And, for many of us, our sense of who we are in this world is deeply shaken.
What Miller suggests is a reimagining of our lives, something he was forced into because of his physical disabilities. Or, as the title suggests, a reframing of what we can't control. Because if there's anything we learn in the wake of betrayal, it's that our idea of control was a total illusion. Miller's reframing suggests a radical shift in how a lot of us deal with the shock of infidelity and one that doesn't come quickly or easily. He's careful to acknowledge that his healing from the trauma of his accident and his reframing or reimagining of  his life was a long process. And yet he's guilty, as I think I am too, of sometimes glossing over the immense growing pains that go along with it. And growing pains that don't always feel like growth but like absolutely feel like pain.
We all like the idea of reimagining a future in which we're free of the fallout of betrayal – the trust issues, the anxiety, the deep pain that we insist will be ours forever – but the reality is not quite so happily ever after. We don't wake up one day with a new attitude and some rose-coloured glasses. Instead, we work through the pain, we sit with it when it closes in on us, we reach out for support when we're drowning in it and then, if we're open to it, we begin to consider what else might be inherent in this suffering. Are there lessons to be learned? Might there be positive change? How can I reimagine my future in a way that stirs even the tiniest bit of excitement and hope?

I did an interview with another betrayed wife yesterday for a Podcast (stay tuned, I'll be posting a link when it's live) and hope. we both agreed, was crucial in this reimagining of our future post-betrayal. It can sound trite and passive. But the hope I'm referring to is a deep belief that this is not the end of the story. This hope doesn't sit passively while they wait for their partner to change. This hope is willing to roll up its sleeves and do the scary things that need doing – seeking help, speaking with a lawyer, drawing clear and unequivocal boundaries because we know that the only way through this pain is to be gentle with ourselves and ruthless in our insistence upon respect. Without this hard-working hope, the only future we can imagine is another version of hell.

I know hope is in short supply in the days following discovery of a partner's betrayal. And that's okay. Give yourself time to digest this "surprise of daily life". Allow yourself to recognize and acknowledge the deep trauma that accompanies such a betrayal. But know that hope will come if you call for it, if you're open to new possibilities, if you refuse to accept that the pain you feel right now is the end of the story, if you're willing to reframe your relationship with what you can't control and reimagine where you go from here.

32 comments:

  1. Surprises of every day life indeed, yesterday a colleague's husband passed away aged 39, he went into hospital for a routine hip operation and developed a blood clot which caused a heart attack. My colleague is pregnant with her 2nd child. Can you imagine what she must be going through right now. It's unimaginable.

    We plan for the future, or even tomorrow and we just don't know what god has in store for us. I feel very sad today, my heart goes out to the family and the pain they are experiencing.

    Life's full of unexpected surprises some good, some bad we have to work our way through them either way.

    Love to you ladies who are each going through your own pain. Xx

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    1. SamA
      My sympathies go out to your colleague! My prayers for their comfort! Indeed we don't know what daily surprise will blow our way! Peace to all of us!

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  2. Today I got a horse. A real, live horse. A crazy thing to do when I don't even know if I'm going to stay married, but the way I see it he is the escape I need from everything.

    He's a rescue, needs a lot of love and his name is Hope. We have a lot in common.

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    1. Piper, I've been reading your story. I am so impressed with you and touched by your words. A lot if your feelings remind me of my own.
      I hope you get lots of joy from Hope, and that he is a constant reminder to you that you are a survivor who does not give up.

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    2. Omg Piper! Congratulations! What an amazing way to focus on something for yourself though... work with rescues tends to involve a lot of rebuilding trust in humans, no? I definitely see the potential for parallels in growth!

      For such a long time I had a better relationship with my horse than I did with H. I could make the horse pay attention to me lol I used to wish I could just jerk on hubby's rope and tell him to smarten up the same way I could the horse... but he seems to have gotten there on his own... just did it the hard way.

      I've done the math and it's too close to call for me whether I could keep the horse without the man. So since the shitfest began, I've struggled to want to put that much energy into a second relationship that feels like it might disappear.

      I admire... and I'll admit envy quite a bit... your boldness, optimism and Hope in taking on this endeavor now. =)

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    3. Doesn't the heroine always ride off into the sunset on a horse?? That's fantastic news. Here's to you and Hope!

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    4. Piper congratulations on your horse. My horse is a rescue and she recued me right back! I was actually told of the affair in my barn while mucking a stall (imagine that man's courage as I stood surrounded by shovels, sledgehammer and pickaxe). She has been such a friend to me through this and she literally witnessed the moment the shit went down! I've actually done some therapy with my horse because as you know they read your every emotion and it was very helpful in keeping me in the now. May you and Hope enjoy all of the miracles you deserve.

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  3. As always thank you Elle for finding the words to accurately describe the emotions we are all facing in a way that is relevant and oddly beautiful. It is such a comfort to know that you are not alone in this terrible experience.

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  4. I want desperately to believe this, that it's not the end. I've lost hope, I'm afraid. I'm stuck, and after a very nasty surprise today, an ugly trigger that ruined what should be one of the best days of my life (a huge job promotion!,) I hit rock bottom. I cussed like an angry drunken sailor and told him he ruined my life. And I meant it.

    The thing is, we're about to celebrate our anniversary (Valentines Day - that was a really bad idea,) the kids are out of the house, we're buying our dream home, he's treating me like a queen, and my heart is just numb to it all. Ive lost my joy. Most days, I'm just going through the motions. My roller coaster is stuck on anger, numbness, anger, numbness ... Maybe I took a wrong turn and got on the elevator!

    I can think of five good reasons not to leave, but I can't find a single good reason to stay. It's been 14 months. I'm not sure I can do this for three years or five years or five more minutes.

    I know all of our stories have a lot in common, but sometimes I need to hear someone say they know just how I feel.

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    1. Denise
      We do know how you feel! I too was triggered yesterday by a drive by of the ow. I was lucky that my h chose a very crazy lady to have his affair with and even though he sent her to jail, we have a no contact order in place, she drives by on the street above our house. I most of the time can ignore it as I know she is not a whole person but for me she hasn't been with my h in almost 2 years but just can't move on in her life. So my h had to listen to my rant last night but today he made the appointment for us to discuss this all with the city attorney next week and so when that happens, I plan to flush her back down the toilet and out of my mind! Hugs for our current pain!

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    2. Denise- I know exactly how you feel. This will be 13 months for me- although my husband and I didn't get married on Valentine's- my husband proposed to me very close to it... So it broke my heart on D day to see he had plans to celebrate with her last year. I hate her and him so much!! I no longer wear my engagement ring because it reminds me that him asking me to be his wife would mean nothing to him !

      I hate how stupid he was. I felt like I was doing well for a few weeks and then the sadness and anger was back again - still so intense! Now I wonder "is this my life now?" Where I will have some times of being emotionally stable but then once again a trigger will come and knock me right of my feet again.
      I hate not feeling like I have control over my emotions! I hate that what I thought was reality was actually a fraud because my husband was a whore!

      It is a lot - there is so much to be angry and sick over! I hate the uncertainty. I want to move forward and be all in, but I still am not certain that I can trust him to make good decisions consistently. I don't even trust that he even knows what the right decisions are! I wish he was more authoritative instead of a coward who cares more about being seen as a nice guy! I get you Denise- you definitely are not alone in all the fuckery that has now become our lives, thanks to our damn husbands!

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    3. Denise,
      At 14 months out, I was still sitting pretty firmly on the fence. And I was numb. I hated it. I had lots to feel good about and I felt...nothing. It took EMDR therapy (which seems something like voodoo but really works) to get me unstuck. EMDR treats trauma. And that's what betrayal is. We become numb because it's how we survive. Your response to your trigger, your inability to feel excited about something really great tells me that you're still post-trauma.
      Whether or not you stay or go, Denise, you need to get unstuck. If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you to go. And if you are in therapy, talk to your therapist about post-trauma work.
      Sometimes it's just a matter of time. But sometimes it really is that something in our brain is stuck and we need help moving ourselves through it.

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    4. Denise--I had EMDR too (5 sessions) and at first thought WTF...my husband cheats and now I go all Star Trek hocus pocus? It worked to etch out some of the most stuck images/thoughts. Along with that I am treated by and in a support group run by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Sigh...I've never even seen a male stripper and this is where I'm at BUT it shook me loose from the grips of my numbness. Now if I have a day where emotion goes silent it's less terrifying. The only other thing I can say is please don't focus too much on the question of "is this what I will feel tomorrow, next year..forever". We must do the work to get unstuck, but as much as humanly possible remain present in the here and now. When I was frozen I would do anything I could to ratchet myself into the moment--music I loved, a double espresso, a massage--even baking something really complicated all just to get a different area of my brain to do the heavy lifting. There is no simple answer, but in the darkness I pray you will see the pinpoints of light that can lead you out.

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    5. Denise,
      One-armed pie maker (such a vivid image!) makes a really good point. So SOOOOO often on this site, I read variations of "I can't live like this forever" or "I'll never be happy again" or "I can't imagine this is the rest of my life". Feelings are transient. Nobody -- not a single soul on the planet -- feels the same way every single day of their life. It just doesn't happen. Feelings come and feelings go even when situations stay the same. When we take steps to change the situation, then feelings change even more radically.
      So know that. Really KNOW that. You will not feel this way forever. That said, sometimes we do get "stuck" in an unhealthy mode, like numbness.
      That's where therapy, conventional or EMDR, can really help dislodge the trauma, pull it out from the shadows where you can examine it, and then dispense with it.
      But living in the moment is also surprisingly powerful. Try what OAPM did -- savour the taste of chocolate in your mouth, stare at the clouds and just watch them roll by, feel the velvet of a dog's ear beneath your finger tips or anything that taps into your senses and brings you out of your head for a minute or two or three. And then hang on to that realization that, right here right now, you are fine.

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  5. Denise, you are not alone.

    I have switched off emotionally, and I told my counsellor this as it scared me. I had always been an emotional person who cried at sad films etc. I lost a pet recently and couldn't even muster a single tear.

    When I asked why this was happening, he suggested that it might be because I am in a coping mode...that the feelings will come back and I need to prep for that.

    So I am. I make sure I eat, try to sleep, go out walking and running and keep busy, but I also sit and wait, and see if they have returned.

    They haven't yet but I am in the (very) early days. Im sure someone with more experience will give a better, more coherent answer...but I'm here, and I'm with you.

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    1. Piper,
      Yes, what your therapist told you is another possibility. We often shut off our feelings because they're so overwhelming. Thing is, when we don't get to choose which feelings get through and which don't. It's like a tap. Off is off. By turning it on, we can get the good feelings back again but we're also going to get the ones we don't want -- the anger, the bitterness, the deep deep hurt. We need to trust that those feelings won't swallow us. We need to feel those feelings when they arise, to not push them away, in order to also be able to access the feelings we want to be able to experience: joy, contentment, excitement.

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    2. This makes perfect sense to me Elle, Thankyou.

      I've been making myself think about what happened. And it feels a lot like standing on a precipice, praying i won't fall. But I haven't yet.

      I miss love. I miss the relationship I thought I had. I miss believing in soulmates and true love. I don't like the new cynical me. It's something to work on.

      Actually, I've made a list of things to work on...some are jobs that need doing around the place, some are jobs that need doing within myself...but I can see a chink of light.

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    3. Piper,
      This is sad. Too often, I think our sadness hides behind anger or bitterness or cynicism. But betrayal is just so damn sad. It's heartbreaking. And giving into that sadness feels exactly like you describe -- like standing on a precipice. We can't imagine the ground beneath our feet will hold. But it does. And we've got a whole lot of women who know our pain ready to grab us if we start to go over. We can enlist therapists, friends, books, podcasts, walks, yoga, running, the list goes. Whatever we need to stabilize us and remind us that we are whole and worthy and will survive this.
      That chink of light is your guide. Follow it.

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  6. Yes Denise, I certainly know how you feel. Lately I've just been feeling sad. For us, it is been just over a year. As for him ruining your life? I've gone down that road before. My answer to that? I will not allow him to rulin my life. My reasoning behind that is… If I had decided not to stay with him, I would have certainly gotten on with my life and not allowed his colossal mistake to ruin my life. I do believe that staying with someone who has betrayed you does make that more difficult. I wish I had some fabulous words of wisdom and maybe another time I would… Right now, just know that I am with you. I certainly know exactly what you mean. And congratulations! I was just thinking today that despite the worst year of my life I have made progress with my family and in my new business. Obviously you have done the same... no easy task. Hugs!

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    1. I keep coming back to this initial post and also to your comment, Melissa. I am ..either 4months or 1 month out, depending on which situation I look at. Basically, he's had 3 chances (all with the same woman), but the most recent was the most extreme and heart-wrenching. I'm trying to make myself believe I can get over this and we can be 'happy us' again. I do have plenty of happy moments throughout the day..when I'm not thinking about it. As soon as I think about it though, I think that I'm an idiot for giving him another shot, and I despise everything about him.
      Do these up and down swings pass?
      Thanks, CM

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    2. CM
      I'm not sure I'm the best one to answer this but, I had delayed PTSD due to crazy ow not letting go and harrasment charges had to be filed. I had the roller coaster of emotions for the six months plus after only four months she reached out to my h when she was in a crisis again and continued to drive by our home for months after that. So just when I think it's all over for me out of nowhere I get a trigger and the looney side of me begins to rage and I have had at least four of these explosions in the sixteen months since she blew up my world with her truth! So even when I think I'm back to a normal person boom I find I'm still dealing with the same sad angry feelings but they don't last as long as in the beginning and my h has had to be very patient and forgiving of my behavior just as I'm trying to use forgiveness and compassion to him. I'm still a work in progress but he thinks we are worth the work it will take to get us to a better place! Other wise women here are much farther along than me but this is my story for now. One day at a time! Hugs!

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    3. CM,
      Yes, the swings pass but it takes a lot of time and a huge commitment on the part of both of you. Three times is a lot of mistrust to overcome. He's got a HUGE task in front of him to become trustworthy. Assuming he's up to it, that will certainly help you. But one slip and you can feel right back at square one. How committed is he to rebuilding your marriage?

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    4. I do think time helps. At least for me the frequency has decreased. But I will say I think even though I feel this less often I am hit harder by it. The highs and lows are more extreme as we settle in to this repair work. At 11 months it is almost as if reality has kicked in which can be hard to face. Triggers come from all directions. I hate that I can't read so many books. When I am around people with less than desirable behavior I find it almost impossible to not walk away. Great friends now almost always seem to bring up infidelity and affairs. They know nothing about what has happened in our marriage and share my same values but it is hard. I find I want to isolate myself somewhat to protect myself even from hearing all of this what now seems like all the time. My therapist said how I am feeling is totally normal. And he said every time something does not go right in our marriage it can feel like a bigger set back that the original disclosure. Like opening the would over and over and it just never gets better.

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  7. Denise,
    I know just how you feel- I was and sometimes still am in the land of numb. More than I'd like to admit I am Queen of the land of anger. But it will lift- you will come to a point you feel again- If I did it you will too. When I first found this site I would read and read and read and say " I'll never laugh again- never happen" I thought I was going to curl up in a ball and die and I wanted to. But gradually the fog lifts and you laugh and say to heck with him- this is my life and I'm going to laugh and cry regardless of him. It will happen but until it does please know that I and many others know exactly how awful and hurt and angry you feel. I am so sorry for your pain. Hang in there- it WILL get better.
    Anni

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  8. Out of the Ashes, I just want you to see this and I trust you are checking here (instead of you missing it on your original post) how is your dog? I have been thinking of you both daily, and posting, but my phone is eating my responses-- and I've been thinking of your child too. It's so damn unfair. I hope this is one thing going well--it's a horribly painful time. I am still not over losing mine in December. 2 out of three last Decembers and Januarys have been devoted to pain and trying to heal. It's just awful. I'm thinking of you.

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  9. I just wanted to share something I saw today. This chapter in my life is not what I ever expected, but it is not the end of my story. I choose to be happy.

    "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it."
    ~ Mother Teresa

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  10. How life f'ing slaps you in the face. Saw phone in H pocket and innapropriate text messages. Called OW husband and found out she moved out a week ago. I am done. He is no longer allowed here at home. I will no longer allow to be trampled on. He can have the f'ing slut whore.

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    1. Shelley,
      I'm so sorry but I'm glad you're taking control of your life and not letting him dictate the terms of your happiness. It hurts like hell right now but, of course, that will fade too. Stay strong...and when you can't, let us help you.

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    2. Shelley. Know you are not alone and that I admire your bravery for knowing when you've had enough. He's crossed the line, and you are worth so much more x

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  11. I love the gift of "numbness". It has saved me from prison. I would have gladly pulled out my .38 and shot him...I thought about it and "logically" rejected the notion/opportunity. He is not worth the rest of my life. So the numbness will pass someday...and I will be free to still live in my choices regardless of my present feelings...which are...nothing. It was the nothingness that enabled me to act on my own behalf to put together a strategy of what my future should look like. And I did. He is moving this weekend...to live his life on his own terms...which frees me to live on mine. I did this in the comfort of being numb rather than acting out in the rage which he richly deserved...the rage that I would have felt and would have resulted in my being in prison or dead. I thank God for that gift. I will eventually emotionally "thaw" out...and when I do, I will know that I had already made healthy decisions logically, intellectually, and in my own best interest as if I were already well and whole.

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    1. Sweetz,
      I think that's very true. When we shut off the emotional part of our brain, we're able to respond to situations in a completely rational manner, which can be a gift. Just make sure you don't stay in this land of numb. At some point, you'll want to process the pain that goes alongside all of this in order to be able to also experience the joy that is surely to come.

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  12. Looking back, my mind was scrambling, reaching for anything that I could trust. I just went with wherever my mind took me to survive looking at this triangle of lies, his, mine and hers. I begged my therapist to admit me to an inpatient psych ward. I'm very competitive by nature but not for trophies but for attention. I don't compete against men but other women. In my mind, I see myself either winning or seeing myself as less or losing. I thought my H belonged to me. The OW stole what belonged to me. I feel like I lost the competition. She is my rival now. She is the enemy in my mind. So my mind is in full war mode. So now I think about strategies to defeat her. She messed with the wrong women. That ego competition mind still lingers, it is a part of me and always has been. I want too teach her a lesson. Who likes being taken advantage of? I want her to feel my pain. My mind goes into a revenge fantasy and I want her to know she lost the war. So then my mind goes into that revenge fantasy loop it is day in and day out. I can't stop myself. It is like I'm addicted. Over time I realize this isn't helping me. It my ego that is wounded and that is all it is, wired in me. It is not personal, because it is her specifically, it can be any OW, it doesn't have to be about THAT particular adulteress. It is a built in part of this chassis. So I'm pre-wired for these thoughts. It takes time to turn my ego competitive mind because that is me, a normal reaction. I have the same reaction I had in my professional life if I thought someone was trying to take over my project. I have to consciously think, I don't need to believe them. These thoughts are only interested in winning a war not giving me peace of mind which is what I want. So through all these thoughts my mind went back and forth but I just went with it. Staying in the moment, rubber bands etc... Nothing work so I gave up on trying to put my mind in a box. My mind went to these places: I tried to prove to myself I was better than her. I was numb toward emotions. I was cynical. I was suicidal twice. I physically abused my H with books, remotes, pictures, dishes and suggested he put a particular piece of jewelry up,his ass. I started calling his truck the pimp mobile. I felt lonely, isolated and rejected. You could reach out and feel my aura of anxiety. I was suspicious and paranoid. All of these emotions leave, go then make the rounds again. The pain and mind movies were my existence. I'm still not all that rational after 2 years. I learn to just go with it and eventually there comes a few good days. Then the good days are more than the painful days. After your mind goes through every emotion to find your way out of the maze there is peace of mind. Just like adultery is complicated and hard to understand all those emotions, reasons and craziness so is healing in our minded broken heart. Just go with it, don't fight it and know you are normal. There is not a damn thing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you and don't ever let any ass hole man who responds to a wiggling vagina in his face tell you different.

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