Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Wednesday Word Hug: Anger


  1. So true. I was listening to Glennon Doyle when I was out walking the other day. She was talking about First the Pain and then the Rising. It was on Oprah's Super Souls on Youtube. It was very intersting and very relatable.

    1. I agree!! I LOVED this talk. It was so impactful that I listened twice back-to-back. Thanks for sharing.

  2. I'm only 1 month and 2 weeks out.
    I only have 3 modes now:
    1- on the floor crying sobbing and screaming.
    2- nothing happened just go about your day as usual ( I can do this mode for a couple of hours before I break down)
    3- Anger..... this is the mode where I feel strong. But it's also the mode that hurts him more and drives him away. He is so supportive when I'm crying he knows what to do. But when I'm angry and calling him and the ow names he doesn't know what to do.

    I'm not doing this on purpose. I hate calling people bad names. I hate being angry.

    Just venting

    1. Emma ,
      I'm 2 months and 2 weeks out and it's still VERY hard. I don't cry as often as at first. (I also went to Dr. Had to be put on meds) my H said nothing happened it was just friends talking . But I say something did cause he deleted the text. And there were way to many.
      I don't call my H bad names when I'm mad . But I call the ow all kinds of things. Just take things one day at a time and good luck

    2. Emma and Izzy, Thinking of both of you! It is a really hard time and for me it felt like a roller coaster. Really in those beginning months I scaled back and did the bare minimum. And I remember crying and the pain. I would suggest to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. What worked for me was I wrote in a journal every day. Some days it was words, questions, thoughts. Some days I sobbed while I wrote. But it was a good outlet. At around 2 months we decided to talk once a week about everything. Not that we could not other times but the once a week helped both of us. For me it helped me to not be focused on it 24/7 and for my husband he was able to mentally prepare and not worry we were going to talk about it 24/7. Also with kids at home and around it helped us to plan and feel most comfortable talking. I used my journal before we would talk to see common themes. I mean my mind was all over the place. Without planning what I needed to talk about I was very tangential in my talking and thinking. I found in the end I usually felt worse where if I saw patterns and what was bothering me daily then I could address 1-2 things vs all the things in my brain which was a lot and still is. I worked hard to eventually be more matter of fact. And my husband over time has learned to not be defensive or to shut down. This has been a process but had to start somewhere. Of course he hated and even still does not like talking about all of this. He knows these were his poor decisions and he brought our marriage to the brink of destruction (those are his words) so he has had to take it all. And honestly going through this together has brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. Is it perfect no, I still have moments of doubt and concerns but we are so open with each other. I am very direct with boundaries and my expectations. And those have both elevated even from one year out from dday. I now expect more of him now.

      In general I say it takes time to work through all of this. It is a long process. And even at 2 1/2 years past dday it still comes up. And he has had to work through his issues. Someone does not do what he did without having issues. He has owned it 100% but it has still taken a lot of work. For him he is the happiest he has ever been living a transparent and authentic life. But that did take him time. No matter how bad he wanted that he had lived his life the same way as long as he can remember focused on himself as #1. That has shifted. I know Elle has said it people can change. Not everyone though. But I did decide to give my husband a true second chance. If you do not have a support system get a therapist. My therapist and this site have been an amazing support system. Hang in there!

  3. I've been reading past posts for a couple of days trying to ward off another slide into despair. I found this and wanted to share. Thank you Elle for being you. I so feel on a deeper level that I am on the brink of a transformation. It is still very hard at times to look at my husband with anything other than disgust, contempt and hatred so that is why I'm planning to do EMDR but in the mean time I'm doing my best to see the light and enjoy it. It is frustrating for me to recognize that I'm not at fault when it comes to his choices and that the reasons I have for staying are valid for me. He is doing everything in his power to be that guy he always pretended to be and he never wants to go back. It just sucks that it took him 35 years of marriage to actually face himself and come to that conclusion.

  4. It's been a little over two months since my D-Day. Husband says they were only friends just texting a lot! Well this hooker goes to some of the same event as my husband, and now I find out what my husband is going to another event where she might be. When I asked him about it he got all mad at me saying that I need to get over it it's been 2 months and nothing ever happened and of course then I get the silent treatment.. then the next morning he tells me to try to find something positive about him and quit looking for something he's done wrong. How do I move past this? Do I need to be blind deaf and dumb? I'm seriously going crazy! I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into Despair and I don't know how or if we'll ever make it..
    I want to I love him we've been together for 20 years I've always thought we'd be together forever.
    he tells me that he loves me and only me. And he tells me daily that I'm beautiful and hot and he's lucky to have me. But I feel it's just another lie, they seem to roll off his tongue so smoothly here lately

    1. izzy, do you have an IC/MC. These are the kind of things they are so helpful in working out with couples.

    2. I am at 2 1/2 years past dday. My husband told me a lot on dday but then dday 2 was 5 months later. He chose to tell me as I did not find anything related to his affairs. He had broken off both affair 15 months before dday 1 at his own choice since he said he could not continue like that. Saying all of that he does not remember what he said on dday and even the months following. He was not in a relationship at that time but he was not sure what to say or how he felt. He said he knew what he did was wrong and anything he said would make it worse. So I understand it is a different scenario but at least my husband had no idea what he was saying. He got used to the lying and living his life only for himself.

      Getting past the truth, pain etc then we had to talk about what was acceptable in our marriage and what the expectations were. No contact was the first and main boundary. If any contact was made it was to be told or shown to me. Then together we would decide how to respond. A mutual friend died and he chose not to attend the funeral etc since both ow might show up. He had no idea but did not want to take the chance. We came to this decision together. The only other alternative would have been me going too but we both felt that was not worth it.

      Then past that we had to deal with basically how he lived his life. It is too much to get into but we set boundaries related to everything. I mean it was a lot but in the end he wanted to do whatever it took so I could feel safe. Really without that there was no way I could move forward. He has not been perfect but each time we talked about it. Yes he forgot to call me once after golf when heading to dinner. Now these are all habits for him and he does these things automatically. Initially though it was hard since he lived his life the way he wanted for the 20+ years we were together.

      I could write a ton more but for starters you cannot be expected to move on. If he has not been honest and open with you about what happened my guess is you need to get past that first. Otherwise it will always bother you. And maybe not every last detail but what was this relationship etc. And my husband used to be so defensive about everything. He has changed that. And I try to keep my emotions in check. In the end we have much more productive discussions. Think about what you want and need out of your marriage. I started journaling daily and we would set one time a week to talk about it. This helped both of us a lot.

  5. Browneyedgirl
    I went to counseling a few times by myself I stopped going because my counselor was pretty much just your husband's a Rockstar . and you don't think he's cheating ? She pointed out things that were obvious . that he probably was cheating it wasn't just talking and texting and that he is a sex addict and that we have a codependent marriage things that I didn't want to hear and I couldn't tell it was doing a whole lot for me so I quit going she suggested marriage counseling and I wanted him to go but he refuses and he's mad at me because I went. He swears up and down it was nothing but talk and texting that she's way too young for him she's only 9 years younger and he swears that he loves me and only me he thinks I'm beautiful he thinks I'm sexy and he's lucky to have me but since he's lied to me I really don't even believe him about that stuff anymore. I find myself searching the internet and looking at the phone bill in trying to find things that he's done and all it does is causes more fights he says that if he has to fight with me then he'll leave . I don't know what to do . when I ask him something he blows up and gets all defensive and then he's mad at me .I'm just tired of the fighting we've been together for 20 years and I thought we were happy I do everything for this man I've never give him a reason to doubt me one bit. My first husband cheated on me and It was the most devastating the worst thing you could ever do to somebody especially somebody you're supposed to love and I would never never do something like that to my husband. I just wish he could say the same. I have never been so broken hearted



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