Saturday, June 23, 2018

From the Vault: When You Just Can't Get Over It

I pulled this post from the vault because it has been getting a lot of traffic lately, which tells me a whole lotta you are having trouble right now. I hope this helps even more of you. ~Elle

Just as I think there must be a playbook for cheaters, I sometimes think there must also be one for husbands who stay in the marriage. It probably contains such lines as "You'll never let me live this down, will you!" Or "if you're going to bring this up every time you're mad at me, we'll never get past this." Or "I can't spend the rest of my life saying 'sorry'".
Sound familiar?
One of the hurdles betrayed wives often have to clear is their husband's admonishments to get over it. It can be overt or, more often, subtle. But no matter, it's harmful either way. The thing is, we're trying to get over it. We want nothing more than to get over it. But, ultimately, we figure out that there really is no getting over it. We can get through it and get past it...but rarely do we get over it. 
It's not just a matter of semantics. To get through it, we need to process our emotions, to acknowledge the pain we're in, take steps to address the residual damage from betrayal. To get past it, we find that we've arrived at a place where we can accept what's happened and while few of us are glad for the experience, we can recognize that some good came out of it. Getting "over" it, implies leaping past all that damage to a new stage where our husbands are magically forgiven and their act of betrayal is never spoken of again. We get "over" the flu. We get "through" betrayal. 
A crucial part of getting through is exploring just how this has impacted us. We desperately need someone who can acknowledge our pain, who understands that each of us walks a different path, a different timeline. Someone who understands that betrayal changes who we are, and that we need to figure out who this new us is. It's one of the reasons I created this site. To give betrayed wives a safe place to process everything they're going through, with the benefit of the experience of those further along the path to healing. 
therapist can be a lifesaver. Someone to help you examine the role you played in the breakdown of the marriage, without ever holding you to blame for your spouse's choice to cheat. My own therapist kept my head above water. But I've heard stories of therapists who, clearly, don't have a clue about betrayal. 
But there's another tool in your arsenal. It was a desire for a wise someone with whom she could talk – someone ideally who understood intimately the experience of betrayal having been through it herself – that prompted Laura S., a betrayed wife in California, to create the Infidelity Counselling Network, a free phone counselling service for betrayed spouses. Laura and I discovered each other on social media. Since then, we've talked personally and shared our stories. We've grown to appreciate and support each other's work, knowing how important it is to have that sense of community in the wake of betrayal. Her Infidelity Counselling Network has been busy training peer counsellors (who've been through betrayal themselves) to provide wisdom and support to callers. If you crave someone anonymous  with whom to share your experience, check out: http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org

29 comments:

  1. I don't think ICN is free anymore. They also have a new Executive Director. But, I had the pleasure of talking with and texting Laura when I was just beginning this journey. One I never wanted. There are many women on this site who would make wonderful peer counselors. I've been asked to do it but I don't feel that I am ready to help other people. My situation I found out is not so uncommon as I thought. I recently found a Facebook group that is "marriages destroyed by antidepressants" It was amazing how much pain these people are in, men and women alike. So my point being, if anyone is interested in helping them contact them. It's 3 hours of your time a week and they have training in CA. I think it's in the fall.

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    1. I can add some extra insight for folks who want to know more about ICN. Although the service is no longer compltely free, it is on a sliding scale. i.e. pay what you can and you and your peer counselor determine how and when you talk etc. It's an incredibly therapeutic and reassuring thing to have someone completely in your corner who totally gets it. The training the counselors receive is top notch and is taking place in September this year.
      The new Executive Director is fantastic and has been brought on to help ICN transition to the next phase of existence, and ideally expand capacity while keeping the same grass roots, extremely personal approach. It's an amazing bunch of women.
      I wholeheartedly agree that there are many women on this site who would make amazing peer counselors (are already doing amazing things when it comes to supporting each other). If you are at least two years out from DDay and the idea of helping appeals, I highly suggest you consider it. The training and being a counselor can be as transformative for you as it is for the women you help.

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  2. Part 1
    Elle,
    This post speaks to me at a time when I feel I am at a crossroads in my marriage. My h and I have been separated for 5 mos. D day was early Sept. 2016. We went to MC for a year before he decided one day he just couldn't leave work in time to make it to our appt. He never went back; I continued counseling on my own.

    Not much has changed, for me, since our separation began this past January. True, I felt at peace in the beginning; I felt I could breath, I could relax. That has changed. One month into our separation, I discover he told the ow we were separated. He did not apologize for seeing what that did to me. He did not understand my pain. "I thought you were over this," he stated. How can I be "over this" when you continue to lie, hide, and betray? I have no idea if he's still in contact with her, if he sees her at work, if he sees her outside of work... I try not to think about it, and most days I'm successful.

    A few days ago, my son and I stop by where he works - my son just passed his driver's test and wanted to show his dad his lisence. Hold on, let's be real: I suggested he call his dad and see if we could stop by. We were 5 mins away, and wouldn't it be cool if he could show his dad his accomplishment? My h is happy to have us stop by. He gives us a tour of the grounds, he explains all the exciting things happening there this summer, and he takes us to his office. Things are going well. I don't feel anxious. My son seems happy to be spending this time with his dad, and my h seems happy to share information about his work with us.

    On the windowsill in his office, I see a painted stone: "You will always be my forever." The ow wrote that to him. All the painful emotions rushed full on. I picked up the rock and asked about it. My h stated it was from his employee's memorial service (an employee died after hours where my h works). I said nothing, as my son and an employee were present, but my gut told me my h was lying. Again.

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  3. Part 2
    Yesterday, my h and I had our usual Sunday talk - how are we, what do we want/need to improve, what are we looking forward to, etc. I brought up the rock. I reminded him he promised me about a year ago that he would get rid of anything that may be a reminder of the ow. I explained I didn't want to see/hear anything that would trigger me. I wanted to heal and move on. He said he didn't think the rock was a big deal. Really? She wrote that phrase to him and it's not a big deal it's in his office for him to see every day and have a reminder of her? There are so many things my h still doesn't "get." I explained that all he had to do was say, at least, something like: "I'm sorry I didn't realize that would be a trigger. I should have known you might react that way. I'm so sorry you feel pain again. I'll get rid of it right away."

    I'm tired of explaining myself over and over again. He doesn't hear me - either he can't or he flat out won't. I'm tired of showing him what he can do and him not doing it at all or being inconsistent. I'm tired of him living separately and not seeing much progress stem from this separation. I'm tired of seeing how his lack of communication with our teenage children negatively affects them. I'm tired of him not fighting for me, not fighting for our family.

    Yes, I have been living my life as my counselor recommends. I have been trying new things. I have searched myself for things/people I feel I've given up or postponed or stopped being interested in and reconnected with it/them. I have been working on myself. I am happy with myself and the changes I've made for myself. I'm not happy with the state of my marriage. I don't want to be separated any longer. It's not helping... Ifeel like it's actually hindering our progress. I'm starting to overthink again, I'm starting to eat less, exercise less, sleep less... I can't continue this way. I can't remain in limbo. Something needs to change.

    I told my h he needs to make a decision by July 24. I hope he chooses to come home and work on our marriage. I know it won't be easy. I know we need to go back to mc. I know we (especially I) will need to redraw boundaries. I know we will need alone time as we process and change. I know we will also have good times. I believe we will not be able to make progress if we remain separated. The end of July will mark 6 mos of separation. The beginning of September will mark 2 yrs since discovery. It is time to fully commit or move on. I don't mean that simply because of timeline marks; I am ready. I have been ready. I'm tired of waiting on my h to be ready, one way or another.

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  4. Part 3 (Sorry so long!)

    I made my request very clear: Come home if you want to rebuild our marriage. Come home if you belive there's even the slightest sliver of hope for us. Come home if you want me. If you know, without a doubt, you do not want me,you do not want to rebuild our marriage... tell me now. Don't think if you wait you spare my feelings. Don't wait until our daughter leaves for Europe for 3 wks. Don't wait until our daughter leaves for college in August. Don't wait until our son begins/ends his junior year of high school. Don't use any excuse for waiting to tell me what you know in your heart to be true.

    Sharing those thoughts with my h scared the hell out of me. I really don't know what he will do. There are so many things about his affair that he still has not come to terms with, so many things he still does not "get." What's worse, I think, is that he continues to tell me he's afraid he can't trust me. That's right - he's afraid he can't trust ME. He's afraid he'll come home and we'll "fall into our old patterns." That tells me he hasn't notice the changes I've made for myself, he hasn't noticed my patience with and compassion for him, he hasn't listened to a damn word I've said, he hasn't paid attention to a damn action I've made.

    My counselor, my mom, and my close friends have shared that I will know when I've had enough. I think I'm there. I think I'll continue to fight for myself. Why continue to fight for a man who doesn't realize my worth? Why continue to fight for a man who doesn't fight for me? Because I love him? Because one day I hope he'll wake up and see we had it all before he destroyed it?

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    1. Jo - I'm projecting my situation onto yours ... so I apologize in advance. :)

      My WH pulled the "I need to trust you" shit when he was still in the mix of his affair (even though I was told he was done ...). That whole thing about they will never connect as long as they are connected to them ... boy ... is that ever true.

      I agree with your support system. You'll know when enough is enough. And sometimes being on the fence is a perfect time to find your bravado and let them know you're close to being done. I really think that they are so use to us falling back into line (so to speak) regardless of what they do that they don't take us seriously. So use that line only if you truly are leaning more towards being done than not.

      I'm sorry that you're sitting in this place of limbo. Why can't it just be a clear cut black and white? Why is there so much gray area when it comes to this. Oh ... yeah ... there's that L word that we all still hold for the men in our lives who hurt us so badly.

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    2. Jo
      I'm sad when I read your story. You have been doing so much for so long. It is incredibly frustrating!! I hear you!!

      Its like you SHOULD be moving on together... you SHOULD be planning reconnection dates and trips... you SHOULD be finding the fun in your relation ship again. But where is he?? Where is the man you want to stand up and yell "This is my wife and I love her and we are going to make this marriage work no matter what damn it!!"

      I dont know Jo. My H never went to councilling, not even once. My H lied about a "I'll love u forever no matter the distance" kids book given to him by the OW. He lies. He is a weak coward. He is not the man I would marry if I were single right now. Quite the opposite. But he is fighting to stick around and will Tell me how sorry he is. He tells me the things I want to hear most of the time and works to please me most of the time. So I'm still here. I dont know for how much longer but I am.

      I want you to find joy for yourself Jo. I hope your H smartens up and you guys make another go at it with great success... alternativly i hope you can move on with confidence it is the right path if it comes down to that. You are strong enough for either choices dispite any negative thoughts. And like they have always been for me, your warrior crew here are behind your chosen path.


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  5. Jo, I just want to say how proud of you I am after reading your post. You are very clear about what is going on with your and your H and what he is not doing to step up. He sounds, unfortunatley, rather clueless or just in denial / unwilling to face the harm he has caused and make amends. He just wants to "forget and move on". Not possible.
    You should be so proud of your self for having that real, honest and grown up conversation with him. Thought it may be difficult to relate to, I had a similar experience in a dating situation. We can guess and conjecture and hope and weave ideas and confabulations, but until you just lay it out and ask, you won't know. And we keep ourselves in this really unpleasant, anxious limbo. When we have that honest, grown up convo, you get the information you need, even if it's not the answer you want. I know i did the right thing, because even when I got the answer I didn't want, all the anxiety I had been living with was gone. (attachment theory in action !). And I think when you get his answer, no matter what it is, you will feel relief. Maybe also with sadness or trepidation or whatever other feelings come along with the content of the answer, but you'll know. You'll have a direction.
    You continue to fight for you. You invest in those things that are feeding you, your friends, activities, new pursuits. Continue to create a life of your own. He can choose to step up and be in it or not, but I can speak from experience when I say, it will pay off for you no matter what.
    PS him saying he is afraid he can't trust you is classic blame shifting and complete garbage but it seems to come up all the time with cheaters who have not made the transition to owning their shit.

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  6. No
    I’m so sorry for your pain! I don’t have the answer for you but I can tell you’ve at least found your own strength even though you’re drained from the trigger! Triggers are the worst and my h had a hell of a time knowing how to help me through them. I do think giving your h the facts of how you feel and what you expect should be eye opening for him. He needs to return to therapy to help him understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs and words of encouragement!

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    1. Thank you, Theresa. Yes, returning to therapy is much needed. Hugs to you!

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  7. Jo, you’ve done all you can my love, you’ve given him a date to adhere and you must stick to that because he may try to bend the rules. I’ve always thought that separations are good if there is work being done on both sides moreso on his, but him not going back to counselling tells me he’s not motivated in working on his behaviour and is at risk of reoffending in betrayal terms. My ex h never committed to counselling jo, he never committed to getting to the crux of his deep rooted issues hence why he went into further betray me and ultimately that lead me to divorce him only recently. I think we know in our gut when things aren’t progressing the way we want them too, we can’t expect our h to know what we want and I’m glad you’ve told your h what you want/need time will tell jo prepare yourself for the best/worst case scenario. It sounds like you’ve had enough of living in limbo land jo and you’ve taken the right steps to move forward with or without him.. please let me know how you get on.. thinking of you my love xx

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    1. Sam A,
      Thank you for your supportive words. I'm afraid of the high risk of his reoffending, too. I'm afraid my h may do exactly what your ex h did -- b/c he's afraid, or he simply does not want to, get to the root of why he thought the affair was the answer to whatever question he was asking himself. I will check in often. Thanks, Sam.

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  8. Jo, your frustration with this just jumps off the page. It sounds like you have done all the right things to make it work. What is sad is that he doesn't recognize what his part is in all this and how to help you heal. Can't trust you, that is a first, for sure is gas lighting you on that one. I don't have much advice, my ass hole of the universe didn't sit on the fence at all. But please post and vent on this site so someone who had a fence husband can help you. He sounds like a real dog that needs to wake up and smell the gravy train. Are you sure there is NC? Most men I read about who are on the fence are still seeing the OW. It is a strong drug the OW. No kids, no family no distraction they are just in a bubble. Zero distractions. I might hire a PI just to be sure. You have made good boundaries, I mean it you have your shit together, although you may not feel like it today. I gave myself 6 months to decide to stay or go so everything you have said is fair. Again I just suspect he is drinking the Affair Koolaid still. He knows having you both is not sustainable in the light. He is avoiding the mess he has made. It sounds like you are contacting him more than he is contacting you. Why don't switch is it up, don't try to get your fix by hearing his voice. Try to not call him for a week and see what happens. You are trying to force him to choose through deadlines that he ignores. Try radio silence for awhile.

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    1. Hi, LLP.
      No, I am not sure if there is NC or not. I wasn't sure when he was living with me, and I'm even more unsure now that he's living on his own. He says he's had NC, but he does nothing to prove it. He has said before he's had NC, and then I discover he has. I don't believe him.

      I have thought about hiring a PI, but I don't think I'm there... yet. That seems like quite the definitive move, and I'm not prepared for either outcome of what a PI may or may not find.

      Most days I don't feel like I have my shit together, like you mention. My close friends tell me I do, though. Ya'll must be right. ;)

      I took your advice. I did not contact him today. He contacted me twice via text - nothing important. Just, hey, I'm on my way to Home Depot and then over to cut the grass. Do you need anything? And then a text to say he was finished and headed back to his side of town to take care of his chores/errands. Oh, also he hoped I was having a good day. He signed it w/a "peace" emoji (two finger peace sign). Weird, but whatever. I responded with a simple, Thanks. Have a nice day. We'll see what the next few days bring.

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  9. Jo I am so sorry about this situation. When my H and i were separated in 2016 I got the same sort of response. There were certain things that he did not see an issue with unless I pointed them out.
    It was madness.
    He kept in contact with one whore (real whore) "as a friend" hoping we could all get together someday. I kid you not!

    He WAS also doing a lot on his own though, 12 stepping and hanging out with the right people (although I gotta say, some of the advice he got from his 12 step mates was full on bullshit--as in "if you backslide, dont tell her, she's been through enough"--whatever.)
    But i gave him props for doing something instead of nothing. Still, he practically needed an engraved invitation to come back and work it out with ME. We are in a different mode right now, he had a definite backslide--however he had no contact with any live women as far as I know. I want some proof that he's tired of these games, he's tired of what he's doing, he's sincere on his recovery. And instead he seems to just be matching my lack of enthusiasm while we are apart and he's working out of the country for 2 months. Idiot. He can step up or he can step out. An invitation to him is not being engraved this time. Is he ashamed? YES. Is he sorry? YES. Does he still think he can flirt with disaster and keep it under control? YES. That third answer is a total lack of progress on his part.
    How many times can someone screw it up, granted to a lesser, much lesser degree, and think that he's just fine because he is aware of his problem?
    It's like that damn rock--how could he not know this is a problem.
    Why do we need to point out that this is a problem?

    I dont know how long I or any of us are going to have to point out that these transgressions are a symptom of a true problem. Sometimes they want their foot in both worlds, and sometimes I think it's more willful ignorance and playing dumb than it is stupidity. how could anyone be this out of touch

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    1. Oh crap Steam, I am sorry to hear about your husband's backsliding. Although you appear to be on solid ground, I am sending you some warm sunshine and a big hug.

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    2. Steam I ask myself that final question all the time.

      I think I’ve come to determine they aren’t really ... they just have learned to play that dumb card when they are busted.

      From my situation he’s learned that if he acts a certain way I don’t hold his feet to the fire. Poor woe is me ... hook, line and sinker EVERY.SINgLE.TIME! Because it brings out the motherly/fixer in me.

      Tides are turning though. Tides are certainly turning.

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    3. I like the sound of the tide turning, Kimberly.

      I hope I will reach that stage before too long.

      Getting the image of a beached whale here- our marriage? my values and ideals? the person (I believed) my h was?

      A force of nature is needed for sure to turn things around.

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    4. I think that porn might be something that a lot of guys could handle and if we can live with it or even like it, that's fine. If we can't then I think there should be a concession on their part. or at least a discussion. Since porn is nothing I have totally put my foot down on, it has not been part of my boundaries. But I think it was going to lead somewhere else--not now, not in a week, but eventually, somehow, someway and I don't think he should be playing with this kind of fire with his sex addiction. and it came with an unknown email address....THAT is a boundary...and this time, I dont know why, I am giving him a final shot. Everything else, is pretty good, he's doing well, i am a little flat, but I felt something going on, my intuition is always looking out for me and I found out without looking for a damn thing. it fell into my lap. lucky me. (rolls eyes)

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    5. Steam,
      What the hell? Friends? Dear Lord!
      EXACTLY - Why do we need to continually point out their behavior is a problem, a major problem?
      In my h's case, I think he wants it both ways. He wants his "freedom" and his "youth," but he wants the stability and loyalty I provide. He can't see that we actually had all of that and more on any given day of our 20 year marriage.

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  10. I found out about the betrayal he had with a married woman 3 years ago. It was with a coworker going on for about a year. They would meet at our house during his lunch time and on days when they were both off. I caught it early enough that she could not persuade him to have intercourse with her (a little relief). He continued to talk with her until April 2017. I had enough of his disrespect and her disrespect. We sold our whore house and bought a new home. My triggers have lessened. I want to know do the triggers ever fully go away? Sometimes I can't control myself. I need some words of wisdom from a betrayed spouse. I have forgiven the affair. I do not forgive that he still works at the same location. We bought a new house because I could not live there anymore. I do not forgive her in terms of not respecting the boundaries especially after he told her it was over and there was no future for them. I was angry that it took him a while for him to willingly make the right choice. I have improved. I do have more days where I feel normal. I thought I was finally there and I am so disappointed because I am not. I just want to know is there an end to this memory/pain/triggers? Here is what I do know, I would still be suffering had I made him leave. I made a decision, he is to endure this with me as long as it takes. He gave me no voice in his decision to betray us. I wasn't going to give him an opportunity to mess around with anyone. Here is what I also know, I love him. He is my best friend which kind of sucks now. We want to be together. I want to be healed~no more inner pain in my core. The woman is such a biotch, not her first affair, unattractive, evil spirit, foul mouth, selfish, ruined a previous marriage/family and married him only to betray him as well. I would never have imagined my husband betraying us. I can say our marriage is much stronger now. We try to out love the other daily. We actually date each other now. We just got so busy being grown ups and raising our family, being responsible. He had an opportunity with a willing participant and never thought he would get caught. I remember praying for our marriage. I even asked him if he was or ever had an affair. He said no. I even thanked him for his honesty. Asking God...if he is doing anything wrong let it be revealed to me. It was revealed! He denied it at first. But, I knew and stayed firm. He said he wanted to save the marriage. I just didn't know it would hurt for so long and such a deep wound. I don't want to be linked to this pain that I had no choice in. Any words of wisdom? What can I learn from others to get over that final bump?

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  11. Thank you, Kimberly, for once again stating what I was thinking. I am usually in 100% agreement with what you post about your story, as well as the loving comments you make on other warriors' stories. You're so right; our husbands DO NOT take us seriously.

    Above, you wrote in your response to Steam, "From my situation he’s learned that if he acts a certain way I don’t hold his feet to the fire. Poor woe is me ... hook, line and sinker EVERY.SINgLE.TIME! Because it brings out the motherly/fixer in me. Tides are turning though. Tides are certainly turning." I am right there with you, Kimberly. I do realize I was "too easy" on him at times. I tried to help him heal as I myself tried to heal. That was my mistake. I won't do that again.

    You're right -- the tides are indeed turning. I like to think a tidal wave is coming... will wash away what needs to be cleansed so I can begin anew. I am the storm. I am also the peace after the storm subsides and a new day begins.

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  12. Blindsided,
    My story is full of sadness, but I know it won't always be. Thank you for empathazing with me. I think my own sadness is turning to disappointment. I'm realizing who my h is, or at least who he has become. I hope this disappointment will pass soon, just as the anger has, just as the sadness is beginning to. I look forward to being able to find joy in the little things, and I really hope I can find joy like you stated in your response. Thank you! :)

    Ironically, my h asked me when I was going to stand up and proclaim, "Here's my husband! I love him! I'm proud of him! I'm proud to be his wife!" WTF? What the actually FUCK? He needs help to realize what he's done and what he continues to do. My h: Me, me, oh... and me! It's all about ME. So selfish. So deluded.

    My heart breaks for you, Blindsided. Things seemed to being improving/going well for you until your h backslided, as you said. How can they be so blind? How can they look at themselves when they see the coward they've become?

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    1. Blindsided - I misspoke. Steam mentioned her h's backsliding. I apologize!

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  13. Thank you, SS1. Your response brought me comfort and reinforced why I've made my decisions and redrew some of my boundaries. I think you're right about the relief I will soon experience, one way or another.

    Thank you for the P.S. It is total bullshit that he will not own his shit, as you said. It is total bullshit that he thinks he can turn everything on me and think I'm going to take it. I'm about to show him how far he's pushed me. It's time for him to do the hard work, dig deep, BE REAL... or perhaps it's time for him to get out for good. So sad/disappointed it's come to this.

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  14. I am finding that when I can’t seem to “get over it” it’s because there is more to the story.

    I told myself the day my son was born that I wasn’t going to stick around if I found proof that my gut was spot on.

    New Instagram page was created in February. He “followed” her mom and aunt sometime after April. Deny, deny, deny.

    I’m done. I don’t know what my next move is. Fuck - housing in my school district is high. We are scheduled to go on vacation next Monday to take little man to meet my inlaws. I told him we could go as a family and I would put on the performance of a life time but when we get back we’re done.

    He tried bullying me into canceling. Said he was telling them I flipped out.

    I finally feel alive and surprising calm. Told him I wasn’t canceling. All but 1 kids airfare is in my name/account.

    I have NO idea how I’m going to survive a week in FL on the beach with my 3 youngest alone but I don’t care. I won’t cancel!!!

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    1. Kimberly,

      EXACTLY. Just when I try to trust him again... BAM! He's had contact again. He lies again (And it's not just about NC. I think he lies about almost everything b/c he's so used to it.) He stops doing what he needs to do to prove to me he's committed to me.

      Good for you for sticking to what YOU want to do. You will survive that week in FL because you will focus on the reasons you're there - your kiddos. That's how I've gotten through the numerous family events and parties since April. Maybe that will be the same for you? I wish I had advice. I feel like I tell my story, I vent, I ask for advice, but I rarely have advice to give. Perhaps that will change in time.

      As far as your next move... I hope one of our warrior sisters here can share some advice or share what they did when they were in that situation.

      I think of you and your kiddos often. I pray that you will find peace in your next step, whatever that may be. Much love to you!

      Delete
  15. https://www.facebook.com/bbctwo/videos/2170954869790560/
    This video explains a new way to look at grief. It’s the thought that your life grows around it therefore it stays with you. It made me feel better. I hope it makes you feel better too.

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  16. https://www.facebook.com/bbctwo/videos/2170954869790560/
    This video explains a new way to look at grief. It’s the thought that your life grows around it therefore it stays with you. It made me feel better. I hope it makes you feel better too.

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