Wouldn't this journey be different if we all felt free to speak the truth of our struggles openly? While I am sharing my struggles with two close friends and with therapists, I know there must be others in my life who have walked this path but who have done so privately as well. I don't have friends who have been able to put back together their marriages after a betrayal of the scale of my H's, and so this site is the only place for me to read and share this burden. It does help, but boy does it get lonely. Hence my name, and my sadness.
The loneliness was excruciating for me and, as I've said before, it's why I created this site. I craved the connection with others who knew what I was going through. But I also think it helps to have people in real life with whom you can confide. Is there anyone, Loner? Anyone with whom you might share what's happening and trust that they will respect your privacy? You might be surprised at the ability of those around you to support you.
Im not far out from 4 years ...Loner ... i get it. Ive told noone. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the sauce and honestly i feel what would i really gain from anyone knowing i dont have anyone that close or that non judgy in my life? Ive come close to spilling the beans but then resist. I know that loneliness... it gets better with time but i know ... totally!
I am so much more sensitive to this now that I live with this. People say the worst things and judge people so quickly. I really try to encourage friends to be a little bit more forgiving of others not knowing what they are truly going through. However, going through all of this and not telling anyone besides my therapist and all of you I want to scream sometimes.
I do focus on this with my kids also. It can be hard but it is good to learn at a young age. Yet also setting boundaries. I hope they are better off and can learn from what I have to share with them.
Thank you Elle and I'm passing this along to every single person who reads this blog post. Those scabs always itch and it is our job not to scratch them and make it worse.
Yes! I’ve told two people besides my therapist. This is the only place I feel like I can speak openly about it. I alternate between wanting it to remain secret and wishing everyone knew so I wouldn’t have to carry the secret. Like you Hopeful, I believe it makes me more sensitive to others. You just never know what people are going through.
This was me 13 years ago, after my ex was having an emotional affair - he denies anything further, but I don't believe him. Didn't have much info then. Now I do!!! So fast forward to 2015 and I find 100% info. he's been having PA and is in a long term affair with a ho worker. I kept quiet all those years and it ate at me, emotionally and physically. My narcissistic ex was full of lies and contradictions. I kept quiet to "keep my family together". Only family knew of our separation in 2016 and eventually as to why. He never told his siblings, they assumed. They asked, I told them. Fast forward again to 2017 and he leaves and we separate, and he's now with a new ho worker - and I tell people the truth. Where he works, others heard gossip, so it was getting out and about before I found out. I wanted to speak my truth. He'd kept me quiet for too many years, and I obliged, thinking we'd be working on our marriage. This was his control to have me shut up whilst he carried on and kept his image. I would have kept quiet if he had of worked on our marriage, but once more, another betrayal and him leaving, I had no desire to protect his image - our happily married image - that was gone. He didn't want people to see the real him. He never told his close friends the truth - he'd leave out those bits. It was pretty obvious anyways when he left the second time and was with his new ho worker, what had been going on. I did feel a big release when I told trusted family and friends, who really have been a great support. Others that find out and gossip - they have no space in my life. People will talk no matter what. I can understand any BW silence to the outside world, but here, you can vent, rant and tell your story every day if need be and we hear you.
My husband and I have talked even recently about the idea of "coming out" to our friends or even me to a couple friends. I feel I do lack support and understanding since they do not know. Also I do feel there is a wedge there between me and friends and family I used to be much more close to. Our kids are what is holding us back when we talk through it. My husband really wants to be honest and transparent with them at an age appropriate level. I just think it would be crushing for them. They understand a marriage or any relationship takes effort and can have major ups and downs.
My other concern is what I have seen friends go through who have cancer. At first there is a high interest to support, listen and help. Then over time that dissipates. Or for one close friend who was young and had several major bouts before dying it became a burden that people knew. They just could not understand. I made a point to just listen if she wanted to talk otherwise we just talked about other things which was her wish. I guess the only difference is as a society it is more acceptable to talk about your cancer diagnosis than infidelity in your marriage. I wish I was brave enough to lead a movement....I can dream. Baby steps, right now I just am leading a movement in my own mind on a daily basis.
H30, I think "coming out" might feel quite cathartic though, as you note, there will be those who just can't handle it. As for your children, I think for them to be able to see that you two have worked hard to rebuild a marriage is a valuable thing for them to see. Eventually their own relationships will have struggles. For them to know that their parents did too can go a long way toward helping them understand that they have choices.
Yes! The ultimate secret that we continue to hide... Except that our children were adults and both know that we struggled because of something that their dad chose to do and that somehow we struggled through it... they don’t need details, each have had their own struggles through relationship problems .... I love this blog of understanding sisters! Hugs!
Wouldn't this journey be different if we all felt free to speak the truth of our struggles openly? While I am sharing my struggles with two close friends and with therapists, I know there must be others in my life who have walked this path but who have done so privately as well. I don't have friends who have been able to put back together their marriages after a betrayal of the scale of my H's, and so this site is the only place for me to read and share this burden. It does help, but boy does it get lonely. Hence my name, and my sadness.
ReplyDeleteThe loneliness was excruciating for me and, as I've said before, it's why I created this site. I craved the connection with others who knew what I was going through. But I also think it helps to have people in real life with whom you can confide.
DeleteIs there anyone, Loner? Anyone with whom you might share what's happening and trust that they will respect your privacy? You might be surprised at the ability of those around you to support you.
Im not far out from 4 years ...Loner ... i get it. Ive told noone. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the sauce and honestly i feel what would i really gain from anyone knowing i dont have anyone that close or that non judgy in my life? Ive come close to spilling the beans but then resist. I know that loneliness... it gets better with time but i know ... totally!
DeleteI am so much more sensitive to this now that I live with this. People say the worst things and judge people so quickly. I really try to encourage friends to be a little bit more forgiving of others not knowing what they are truly going through. However, going through all of this and not telling anyone besides my therapist and all of you I want to scream sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI do focus on this with my kids also. It can be hard but it is good to learn at a young age. Yet also setting boundaries. I hope they are better off and can learn from what I have to share with them.
Thank you Elle and I'm passing this along to every single person who reads this blog post. Those scabs always itch and it is our job not to scratch them and make it worse.
ReplyDeleteYes! I’ve told two people besides my therapist. This is the only place I feel like I can speak openly about it. I alternate between wanting it to remain secret and wishing everyone knew so I wouldn’t have to carry the secret.
ReplyDeleteLike you Hopeful, I believe it makes me more sensitive to others. You just never know what people are going through.
This was me 13 years ago, after my ex was having an emotional affair - he denies anything further, but I don't believe him. Didn't have much info then. Now I do!!! So fast forward to 2015 and I find 100% info. he's been having PA and is in a long term affair with a ho worker.
ReplyDeleteI kept quiet all those years and it ate at me, emotionally and physically. My narcissistic ex was full of lies and contradictions. I kept quiet to "keep my family together". Only family knew of our separation in 2016 and eventually as to why. He never told his siblings, they assumed. They asked, I told them.
Fast forward again to 2017 and he leaves and we separate, and he's now with a new ho worker - and I tell people the truth. Where he works, others heard gossip, so it was getting out and about before I found out. I wanted to speak my truth. He'd kept me quiet for too many years, and I obliged, thinking we'd be working on our marriage. This was his control to have me shut up whilst he carried on and kept his image. I would have kept quiet if he had of worked on our marriage, but once more, another betrayal and him leaving, I had no desire to protect his image - our happily married image - that was gone. He didn't want people to see the real him. He never told his close friends the truth - he'd leave out those bits. It was pretty obvious anyways when he left the second time and was with his new ho worker, what had been going on.
I did feel a big release when I told trusted family and friends, who really have been a great support. Others that find out and gossip - they have no space in my life. People will talk no matter what.
I can understand any BW silence to the outside world, but here, you can vent, rant and tell your story every day if need be and we hear you.
Thinking of you all and sending hugs
Gabby xo
My husband and I have talked even recently about the idea of "coming out" to our friends or even me to a couple friends. I feel I do lack support and understanding since they do not know. Also I do feel there is a wedge there between me and friends and family I used to be much more close to. Our kids are what is holding us back when we talk through it. My husband really wants to be honest and transparent with them at an age appropriate level. I just think it would be crushing for them. They understand a marriage or any relationship takes effort and can have major ups and downs.
ReplyDeleteMy other concern is what I have seen friends go through who have cancer. At first there is a high interest to support, listen and help. Then over time that dissipates. Or for one close friend who was young and had several major bouts before dying it became a burden that people knew. They just could not understand. I made a point to just listen if she wanted to talk otherwise we just talked about other things which was her wish. I guess the only difference is as a society it is more acceptable to talk about your cancer diagnosis than infidelity in your marriage. I wish I was brave enough to lead a movement....I can dream. Baby steps, right now I just am leading a movement in my own mind on a daily basis.
H30,
DeleteI think "coming out" might feel quite cathartic though, as you note, there will be those who just can't handle it.
As for your children, I think for them to be able to see that you two have worked hard to rebuild a marriage is a valuable thing for them to see. Eventually their own relationships will have struggles. For them to know that their parents did too can go a long way toward helping them understand that they have choices.
Yes! The ultimate secret that we continue to hide... Except that our children were adults and both know that we struggled because of something that their dad chose to do and that somehow we struggled through it... they don’t need details, each have had their own struggles through relationship problems .... I love this blog of understanding sisters! Hugs!
ReplyDelete