When We Gaslight Ourselves

I was hiking through the snowy woods on Saturday when my friend told me that her husband had called her a "fucking idiot" the day before. Stunned, I listened as she told the story, which was basically about him asking her to do something, criticizing how she was doing it and then, when she asked why he asked for her help if he was only going to criticize her, he exploded.
I asked how she responded. "I don't any more. I'm used to it."
Did you catch that? This lovely kind capable woman was called a "fucking idiot" by her husband she's "used to it."
I asked her when that sort of behaviour was ever acceptable. Talking to a child? No, of course not. Talking to an employee? Nope. Talking to a neighbour? A friend? It's absolutely not okay (not even on Twitter!!) to call anyone a "fucking idiot" to their face. It's cruel. It's demeaning. It's dehumanizing.
But...she's used to it.
As anyone on this site (and off it) knows, I'm absolutely a cheerleader for women who want to rebuild their marriages after infidelity. I don't subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater". I don't believe that the only response to infidelity is to "lose a cheater, gain a life". In fact, I think our  culture's knee-jerk response to infidelity keeps a lot of women unnecessarily silent and feeling trapped. I think we would all benefit from a far more open discussion of infidelity, its ubiquity and the myriad responses to it – all worthy of respect.
However, I never advocate anyone staying in a relationship when there's any kind of abuse. (And yes, I know, some people insist that infidelity is abuse. I'm not one of them.) And though my friend's marriage isn't marked by infidelity, it is rife with verbal abuse.
And yet, she's "used to it."
Part of the problem with abuse, of course, is that is often happens slowly. By the time someone is screaming "fucking idiot" at us, we're silently agreeing. We've likely listened for months if not years as our faults were routinely catalogued: we screw up, we forget things, we get in the way. No matter that every single person on the planet is guilty of the same – we're human, after all – we're treated as annoyances. We're people to be endured, not enjoyed. To be barely tolerated, not valued.
And we begin to gaslight ourselves.
Gaslighting, of course, is when we begin to doubt our own perception. We see it play out almost daily with "Fake News" (things that are true being called untrue) has become the rallying cry of a the extreme members of an entire American political party. When we're told up is down and black is white, we begin to wonder if we're crazy. Many of us experience a level of gaslighting while our partners cheat. If we ask our partners, we're often told that we're imagining things, that we're acting jealous, that we're being insulting by even implying that they might cheat. (And, okay, here's where I would agree that infidelity can be abusive. Gaslighting is abuse.) We begin to wonder if WE are the crazy ones because what we think we see and what we're told we see are two very different things.
But when we begin to gaslight ourselves, to insist that what's happening isn't – can't be! –  happening, we're onto a level of self-harm.
And that scares me more.
Because it means we've normalized the lies. We've internalized them. We agree with them.
Which breaks my heart.
My friend is the farthest thing from a "fucking idiot." But she resists the idea that someone screaming that in her face is abuse. Her father had a "temper", which you can bet looked and sounded something like this. Her son's father threw her around. Her husband criticizes her so frequently that she's "used to it."
So I'm asking you: What behaviour are you tolerating that, if you were hiking through the snowy woods with a trusted friend, you'd be afraid to disclose? Maybe it's casual insults. It might be the occasional push. Do you get told you "can't take a joke", that you "don't have a sense of humour" when your husband "teases"? Does he threaten to leave or "give up" when you try to set boundaries? Does he accuse you of what you think he's doing? Does he use divorce as a trump card any time you demand accountability from him?
We can push back against gaslighting. We can take our perceptions and ask trusted friends, "what do you make of this?" We can talk to a therapist who can tell us, clearly, if what we're experiencing is abuse. We can try to imagine the advice we'd give a friend if she confided the same behaviour from her husband.
And we can begin to find the small still voice deep inside that has almost gone silent. We can begin to listen to it. The one that tells us we don't deserve any of this. The one that holds our own divine spark. That knows we're worthy of being loved. That one that would never ever call us a "fucking idiot". Because it's not true.

Guest Spouse: Infidelity is Abuse. Period.

       [Rabbi Sean Gorman and I met on this site here, where he commented to a betrayed wife that all cheating is abuse. I disagreed and our conversation began. Though I maintain that, in my case, the infidelity was not a form of abuse (though I can see aspects of it as such), I nonetheless appreciate the expertise and compassion that Rabbi Gorman brings to the issue and invited him to post here. I'm sure many of you will recognize your situation in what he describes...and I hope you'll find his views help clarify and strengthen your understanding. In any case, as always, I invite you to share your story and your thoughts.]

As a married man who has never gone astray and whose spouse has never gone astray, I feel a little out of place writing for betrayed wives.  Elle, the owner of this blog, invited me to write here after we disagreed on another blog.  The invitation is most flattering.

            The disagreement that led to this article has to do with whether or not adultery is spousal abuse, specifically emotional abuse.  I maintain that it is, in all cases.  For now, we can certainly agree that flagrant adultery is.

            What led to this conclusion?  A friend had a husband who was a philanderer.  He made no effort to hide the indiscretion.  Cell phone records and e-mails stayed visible.  Some of those phone calls took place during dinner.  The lightning flash was when I realized it was abusive.  After he physically attacked her, it became easier to point out the adultery as part of a picture of abuse.

            What is abusive about adultery?  Let us take a look at some of the blatant lies adultery attempts to present as truth:

            1.  The other one is better in bed.

            2.  What you give only to me, I can get anywhere.

            3.  You bore me.

            4.  You do not “put out” enough.

            5.  I will come to our bed when I am good and ready.

            6.  Being in someone else’s bed is more important and more meaningful than being in our own.

            The constancy of those statements demoralizes and humiliates the target.  The sneakiness of the tawdry behaviour leaves the betrayed spouse wondering if the perceived reality is correct.  Such demoralization, such humiliation, and such wondering about reality are all constants in abusive situations.

            We would not accept such statements in any other room of the house.  We would not accept constant statements about our cooking or our driving.  No matter what the subject, that type of statement is humiliating and demoralizing.  Nothing has changed just because we are talking about sex.  In fact, the statements are more insidious for being of that subject.  No other piece of our marriages cuts as much to the very essence of who we are. 

            Furthermore, it is a violation of the one room of the house we share with no one else.  We can have guests in the kitchen.  People can sit in the living room.  The marital bedroom has a lock on the door.  No one else is allowed in.  When one member of a couple unlocks that door, it states that the one part of our lives that is not for open consideration means nothing to the one who opened the door.  Sacred intimacies (and more) are thus bared to the world.

            When Elle asked me to write for this blog, she suggested that I write about how people recover.  The first step to any recovery is to label the problem.  Labeling adultery as abuse yields the immediate response.  In a relationship that is physically abusive, the first step is to ascertain safety – stop the immediate abuse.  The second step is accountability – appropriate apologies that mean something.  The third step is taking actions that build trust and prevent future abuse. 

            It applies here.  Stop the adultery.  Make sure that the offending spouse admits guilt and understands the impact of what happened.  Put rules – yes, marriage has rules – put rules in place that prevent it from happening again.  Verify that those rules are being followed and that they are accomplishing what they need to accomplish.

            A wise pastor once taught me that we should not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.  These are two separate steps.  Forgiving a philandering spouse does not mean that all is better immediately.  As betrayed wives, you should not feel pressured to reset the clock and clean the slate.  That will take time.  Trust is hard to build.  It is even harder to rebuild.  For your husbands to expect that everything will immediately go back to the way it was is naïve, as well as a continuation of the abuse.  It is often difficult for an adulterer to understand that a shower and a couple of counseling sessions cannot wash away the scars of such an injury. 

            In any case of abuse, we do not blame the recipient.  An abused spouse did not fail at various parts of the marital role, thus leading to the next outburst.  Accepting blame for the actions of others is not appropriate here.  Do not fall into the trap of accepting blame for actions you did not commit.

Rabbi Sean Gorman is the spiritual leader of Congregation Pride of Israel in Toronto.  He is also a US Navy Chaplain attached to 218 MEFREL.