We used to be able to
trust our eyes and ears. Our brains were reliable tools that operated (so we
thought) with objectivity and logic. We could trust our guts, our womanly
intuition. And then, suddenly, horrifically we learn that our senses have not
been telling us the truth, have been faulty or offline. Our intuition has been fooling us (or maybe
we fooled ourselves into not listening to it). Our brains have turned into
out-of-control locomotives, racing down the tracks of some dark, unfamiliar
land and we are helpless to stop it. We feel crazy. We can’t stop thinking
about a thousand “what ifs” and “I should have seen this” and mind movies and
“oh my God!!! Make it stop.” And we can’t stop crying. Randomly. In the
grocery. Driving to pick up the kids at school. Hearing a song on the radio.
We’re afraid to watch the TV in case something triggers us. We are standing in
the tall grass and we know the lions are coming for us. Suddenly, the whole
world is a danger zone.
Post-infidelity we become
hyper-vigilant and hyper-sensitive. Bright lights, loud noises, crowded spaces,
everything makes us jump out of our skin or fall to our knees. It is a natural
response to such a massive threat to safety. We have been traumatized and old reptilian
parts of the brain kick in, trying to keep us safe from future harm. We overthink
everything. As more details come to light, in a process quaintly dubbed
“trickle truth,” we attempt to create a narrative that makes sense. When I was with our daughter at the
nephrologist, trying to determine why a 16-year-old would have kidney stones,
you were on a “business trip.” When you were in the basement playing that song,
it wasn’t for me.
We start looking for clues
everywhere. We turn into sleuths, searching online, on their phones, asking
questions, checking in, examining credit card and phone bills, installing
questionable tracking apps. We start analyzing every word, every facial
expression. Did he blink and look left?
Was what he just said true? What did he leave out? What is he hiding? Why
didn’t he check in when he said he would? What doesn’t add up? We scour
books and articles for any clues that might tell us what the hell is happening
and how to make it stop. And we think and think and worry and think and worry
and brace for impact. We don’t want to be fooled again. We are constantly on
watch.
It’s exhausting. There’s
no one to spell us when our watch is over, so we are constantly alert to the
possibility of more lies and deception. We don’t sleep. We don’t eat. It’s not
sustainable. All these activities, all the sleuthing wears us out and they get
in the way of taking care of ourselves. Our instinct is fight or flight. But if
we are constantly scanning the horizon for new threats, we can’t slow down and
listen to what our bodies, our gut, is telling us about right now.
Tuning in to ourselves is
the first step toward stopping the crazy train of hyper-vigilance. How do you
do this? Be still and take slow, deep breaths. Pause, note what is
happening (my heart is pounding, I’m sweating, I’m panicking), label it. When I say label it, I mean acknowledge the
feeling or emotion or fear. When you give the thing a name, you have power over
it (and not the other way around). Search for objective evidence before
reacting (and if you can’t, if you’ve been triggered, be kind and gentle with
yourself about it). Be mindful. Pay attention to what your body is telling you.
But to do this, you need to slow down and listen. The final step to working
with and through hyper-vigilance is to set
boundaries with the person (or people – I’m looking at you in-laws of the
world) who trigger you.
Boundaries
are about what you will and will not tolerate. It’s a way to hold ourselves and
others accountable for acting with integrity and treating us with respect. Boundaries work best when you are clear on
the consequences if certain lines are crossed. Boundaries take the place of
hyper-vigilance because they do the same job. They keep an eye on things but
with boundaries, you can eat, or take a nap, or run, or visit friends, or
meditate because boundaries will be on duty, so you don’t have to be.
Recently, I had another
little rumble with over-thinking and hyper-vigilance. I got more information
(ref. trickle truth above). It was really disappointing, more deception
uncovered, and it made me wonder: Was I
over thinking? Did he mean what I
think he meant or did I misunderstand? Is he really that manipulative? Is it on
purpose? Is my bias now leading me to see everything as evidence for the
conclusions I have already drawn? And I see this over-thinking playing out
in a cycle of depression and losing the threads of my self-care regimen. I’m
tired so I make less time for running, so I eat poorly, so I feel tired, so I
make less time for the gym, so I start to feel less worthy and stress about my
weight, so I eat poorly so I feel too tired or sad to work out. It’s a
self-perpetuating doom loop.
Once I notice, I can
pause, note that I am over-thinking and try to bring myself back to the
present. Right now, I am OK. Right now, I am breathing. Right now, I have a
roof over my head and enough to eat. Right now, there are people who love me.
Right now, I can choose to go for a walk. Right now, I can soak in the tub,
take a multi-vitamin, eat an apple, call a friend. I can make a choice that
puts my care and feeding first. And can you too.
Because ultimately, all
the FBI level, hyper-vigilance in the world isn’t going to stop a person from
cheating, if they choose to do so. It isn’t going to stop us from being hurt in
the future (because good news! if you are alive and human, life is going to be
both amazing and painful, sometimes at the same time). It isn’t going to change
the past, no matter how much we wish it would. We can only, in the end, control
ourselves. When we stop trying to control those who have hurt us, we release
ourselves from so much suffering.
It’s hard. You’ll stumble.
You might have a good day and then suddenly notice on a walk that you are 15
minutes into rehearsing a rant at the OW. It’s OK. Here’s your opportunity.
Pause. Breathe. Notice. Breathe. Label. Breathe. Let it go. Breathe.
