The Myth of Closure

"When will this be over?"
How many times have we asked ourselves that question, in the days, weeks, months...sometimes years following learning of our partners' betrayal? Particularly disheartening is the awareness that, after much hard work and healing, we can still be brought to our knees by a song on a radio. Or a glimpse of the OW at the grocery store. Or stumbling across an old credit card receipt that reminds us.... And suddenly the pain feels so raw it leaves us breathless.
And asking the universe – for the zillionth time – when will this be over.
The unfortunate answer is, likely, never.
We can do everything "right" according to the infidelity experts. We can sign off on the no-contact letter, create boundaries, redefine our relationships, even deal face-to-face with the OW and triumph.
But we're deluding ourselves if we think that we can somehow close the door on what happened. Tuck it away in some box and put it on a shelf where we don't have to think about it.
And, frankly, that wouldn't be wise.
"Pain engraves a deeper memory," says poet Anne Sexton.
Which is why, in spite of years of happiness, one act of betrayal can cut us to the bone.
And yet, pain is often where we find our most valuable lessons. It's where we find our truest selves.
Burying those lessons and the self held within only makes them more determined – and likely – to resurface.
Instead, though the idea of denial is an appealing one (just one more drink! A tiny pill to help me sleep! A new pair of shoes! Another piece of cake!), it's important to examine the pain. To see where life took that unexpected turn. To turn it over in our minds, not for the pain itself but for the lesson it holds.
When that lesson is revealed – we sacrifice too much then feel resentful, we ignore our gut feelings, we  need to create firmer boundaries... – it's far less likely that the pain will have the same bite.
Closure? It's possible, I think, to create rituals that help us move forward in our life. Or to have the necessary conversation. Or burn the letters. Or whatever it is we think is necessary to heal. But to think that we can ever shut the door on betrayal is a myth. We are changed by it...from this day forward.

Everything Worth Learning Leaves Bruises

My seven-year-old is determined to do a headstand.
Her tiny body toppled, over and over. Each time I would watch her get up, face fierce with determination, and try again. And I would wince, wishing, for the zillionth time in her so-far life, that I could protect her from failure. From disappointment. And wondering, abstractedly, how bruised and battered her little body felt.
Finally she caught ran to me, buried her face in my lap and crumpled. She listened as I offered up platitudes. How she'll learn if she keeps trying. How everyone else in her class was just like her until they learned. She shook her head. No. Back and forth. No. Then she wiped her tears and I watched her frustration be replaced with composure. And out she went onto the gym floor. To try again.
After an hour, she could do a headstand. Almost. If you allow for bent, crooked legs. Which I do.
She was delighted, the early frustration replaced by a sense of accomplishment. She's no fool, my seven-year-old daughter. She absolutely knows that her headstand was a far cry from perfect. Or even good. But she knows she's moving in the right direction.

Watching her reminded me to be gentle with myself. To remember that the days I just can't seem to get it right are the days when I'm learning the most. And that anything worth learning leaves bruises on your heart. The challenge, of course, is not letting your heart become brittle but absorbing the lesson with the pain. Not easy. But as my seven-year-old is teaching me, nothing worth learning ever is.

Face Your Pain? A Radical Therapy for a Broken Heart

We're a society that hates pain, of any kind. We reach for Tylenol, or a glass of wine, or a shopping expedition...anything to make our uncomfortable feelings go away, even for just a short time.
When your heart has been shattered through betrayal, those same escapes beckon...but rarely work. Or certainly don't work for long.
What does work?
The answer is as surprising as it is simple. Feel your feelings. That's right. Stop wishing things were different. Or distracting yourself with food, alcohol, men or any other poison of choice.
Accept that this is excruciating. But know that it won't cripple you. You are stronger than this. You will survive. It will take time. But that time can be dramatically shortened by going through the pain, rather than trying to get around it.
Consider all those actions that always seemed too flakey (or was that just me?): meditation, silence, journaling... Anything that encourages you to face your feelings. They're just feelings, as one wise soul (okay, she's my therapist) often reminds me, not facts. And feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.

If you're going through heartbreak, what are you doing for yourself?
If you've survived betrayal, what helped you through?