He wants to save the marriage? Show him the new rule book

So he's admitted his affair. And is assuring you it's over. And that, he's telling you, is all you need to know. Doesn't matter that you're asking for more information. Doesn't matter that he's clearly lied to you in the past. That's all behind him now. And it's for your own good, he insists. It'll hurt you to know more, he says.
Problem is, the rules have changed. And he needs to know that. He's no longer the one determining what will hurt you, or what you need to know. I clearly recall my then-5-year-old daughter telling her little brother, "I'm the one in charge here." And guess what! You're now the one in charge here.

You decide what affair details you need
Not to suggest you be dictatorial...well, actually, that's exactly what I'm suggesting. We trusted our spouses and they let us down. Blind trust is gone, never to be seen again in these parts. Mature trust – trust that is earned through your spouse repeatedly doing and saying what he honestly did and said – can bloom. But not until you get the answers you need and he starts giving them to you.
The thing is, cheaters feel lousy. Unless they're psychopaths, they know what they did was hurtful and selfish. And by giving you the details of that, they're forced to acknowledge that not only to you (who kinda already knows) but to themselves. It's a lot easier to stay mum, and pretend it's because they don't want to hurt you. They already have! But to face that hurt in your eyes again and again feels crappy.
Unfortunately, I don't know of any couples who have successfully put their marriage back together without this brutally painful step. As one wise soul said, during her husband's affair, the door was shut to her. She didn't know about it, couldn't ask about it. Now's the time, she said, to open the windows to her and shut the door to the affair partner.

Don't go "pain shopping"
I'll add in a caveat, however. There is such a thing as too much information. Some call it "pain shopping" and it's a compulsive need for more and more detail. I was certainly guilty of it in the early days following disclosure.
The danger is you can't "un-know" something, no matter how painful. After a while (I'm a slow learner!), I came up with my 24-hour rule. If I wanted to ask my husband something about his infidelity, I made myself wait 24 hours (give or take...). If I STILL wanted to know a day later, or could even remember what the question was, I proceeded and he answered honestly.
Most times, the question had faded from my mind...indicating to me that it wasn't something I needed to know but rather "pain shopping."
To my husband's credit (I do give him some, now and again :) ), he recognized that I deserved to decide what information I wanted.

The new rules?
You decide what information you want.
You demand total transparency going forward. (More to come on this in an upcoming post.)
His job is to support you as much as possible in your healing. And, believe me, it's not a job for the faint of heart.

Why cheaters rewrite history

Far too often, our deluded spouses give us speeches that sound like English, but defy common sense. You might hear the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” version. You might hear the “yes we had a wonderful marriage, but she and I are soulmates” version. You might even be treated to a recounting of your marriage – in which you’re cast as a villain – that doesn’t sound remotely like the marriage you were in. The truth is that most people in affairs aren’t really bad people. So in order to justify to themselves why they’re engaging in behavior that simply doesn’t fit with their own moral code, they rewrite history…and reality…to come up with a version that allows them their affair and to feel okay about it.

We’ll get to how you can shine the harsh light of reality on their little fairy tale. For now, just take whatever he says with a very large shaker of salt (tequila would be nice, too, but later…when you’re less likely to abuse it!) and focus on yourself.

Step #1 in saving your marriage

Establish No Contact

If your husband wants you to even consider sticking around his cheating self, then he needs to establish NO CONTACT with his affair partner and that starts right NOW. No negotiation. He makes a phone call and follows it up with a letter. He must state unequivocally that the affair was wrong and that it’s over. He must make it clear that there is to be absolutely no contact going forward. Of course, there are going to be complications. My husband worked with his affair partner and it was messy (and expensive) to extricate her from our lives. The BWC has heard of affairs with sisters, sisters-in-law, kids’ teachers, coaches, professors… So, let me add this: When possible, there must be NO CONTACT with the affair partner, especially by the offending (offensive!) party.

The catch is, you need to respect the No Contact agreement too. No drink-and-dial phone calls to tell her she’s a bitch (on some level, she knows). No nasty e-mails. No FaceBook postings designed to be inflammatory. No snarky remarks when you run into her at the PTA meeting. Your issue is not with her, but with your husband. He’s the one who made promises to you. Just hope the whole experience has been sufficiently painful for her to resolve to NEVER again get involved with a married man. Don’t count on it…but hope nonetheless.