I confess I'm not especially sympathetic when it come to those who cheat on their partners and those who are with those who cheat on their partners. So my first response was to tweet back something snarky.
But I know that there's a deeper question there, one that affects so many of us: When will I stop thinking about his affair/his affair partner/the mind movies/"what's wrong with me"/etc. In other words, how do I control my thoughts.
To which I answer: Well, it's really hard. Feelings are largely beyond our control. Thoughts are slightly more controllable. But it's actions where the real change occurs.
And it's actions that can often shift our thoughts.
You've likely all heard that parable about the two wolves, right? Well, to refresh your memory:
A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at battle.
One is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear.
The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”
The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”
Well, it's the same thing with thoughts. If, when a thought of him with the affair partner flashes in your brain, you have choices about what to do with it. You can try some behaviour modification techniques (snapping an elastic band on your wrist, picturing a stop sign, saying "stop" or "no" out loud and then distracting yourself with something else – making a recipe, trying to recall the lyrics to a catchy song, picking up a good book in which NOBODY cheats), all of which amount to not feeding the bad wolf. You can make sure each day that you feed the good wolf. Through self-care. Journalling. Actively seeking out pleasure – a walk in the woods, playing your favorite music, treating yourself to a fancy coffee.
It's not magic, it's practice. A whole lot of practice. And sometimes it's really tough. But, ultimately, it comes down to which wolf you feed. One will grow stronger. And one will starve.
