Friday, January 1, 2016

Welcome to the Betrayed Wives Club

If you've found your way to this site, chances are you typed "how do I know my husband has cheated" into Google. Or maybe it was "I hate my husband after he cheated" or "how to forget the other woman." Some of you typed "increased sex after his affair" and found my blog post on hysterical bonding.
Tens of thousands of you found your way to my Open Letter to the Other Woman, which led many to my Second Letter to the Other Woman (they're oldies but goodies. Frankly, I don't give the Other Woman any thought these days).
The absolutely most-read post is my Seven Lies We Believe After A Spouse's Affair. I ache for the women who come to this site full of pain and a deep conviction that if they were somehow...better...their spouse would have remained faithful. My main purpose with this site is to convince each and every one of you that you are enough. He did not cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. Steam reminded all of us that you did nothing to deserve this.

It has been nine years since the Christmas from Hell when I learned of my husband's affair. Though I never imagined I'd ever feel anyone but grief and misery, here I am almost a decade later with a life that I love. Dare I say that my husband's affair led me on a path that has deepened my joy? Being so far out from those excruciating feelings, however, I began to wonder this past year if it was time to give up this blog. I worried that I was becoming detached from those wretched early days. I worried that I had less to offer. What's more, reading each comment and, often, responding takes a lot of time and energy and I have three children, a husband (the same one but new! And improved! And whore-free!), and a freelance career and volunteer activities and...and...and.... But when I imagined walking away, I didn't feel relief, I felt sadness. Thing is, I love you BWC warrior-sisters who come here. I love your kindness and your wisdom. I love your vulnerability and your honesty. I love your awesomeness and compassion. We rarely have the vitriol or the unkindness or the dismissal that I see on other sites. Almost without fail, the women on this site, even in the midst of their own worst pain, extend such warmth and compassion and support to each other that it makes me smile (sometimes through tears). You BWC warrior-sisters inspire me, every time I log on, to bring my absolute best self to this site. To continue to share what I'm learning. To revisit the ways in which I haven't been my best self in the hopes that I can spare you the same mistakes. To try and inspire you back. To remind each of you, as often as you need to be told, that you will survive this. And that it's possible to triumph over it and emerge with a stronger sense of your own worth. To use this horrible experience as the launch pad for a different way of showing up in this world, one that insists on respect and decency and honesty. To unlearn so much of the unhealthy stuff and gain some new lessons that will serve us better.
In June, after some consideration and consultation (thanks Steam!), I decided to add a Donate button. I don't ever want anyone to think they need to donate in order to feel welcome here. But please know that I'm incredibly grateful for and humbled by the women who've contributed. This site, of course, benefits hugely from those who've contributed with their comments, their support and their loyalty too.
However you found this site, please know you've discovered a place of support. I hate that so many of us need to be here. But I'm so incredibly grateful that we've found each other.


33 comments:

  1. Elle,
    I know this site is a labor of love and if the labor gets too much, know that you have left a treasure trove of wisdom that will live forever--or until the electric armageddon wipes out the internet. However, so glad you are soldiering on with us because I am ready to hear more in 2016 about how you found yourself living a better, more joyful life. Now, off to make another donation.
    Wishing all of the "Club" a peaceful and joy-filled 2016!

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    1. MBS,
      I think I needed to just give it some thought and make a conscious choice rather than feeling like I had to stick with it. Once I did – and determined how much time I could give it from my "work" hours – I started really loving it again. So...not going anywhere any time soon.

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    2. Kinda like choosing your marriage??

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    3. Yeah, kinda like. ;)
      Hadn't noticed the parallel but, yeah. Thanks for making me smile.

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  2. Happy New Year to everyone, and thank you so much for still being here, Elle. Your site has helped me immensely -- more than the many books I've read and way more than the five different therapists I've tried. I can imagine that not just writing new entries but responding to so many readers' posts is indeed very energy- and time-consuming. You have given such a great gift to so many of us. Thank you.

    Jennifer

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    1. Thanks Jennifer. I'm glad it has been helpful. I often think it's less what I say and more the community that gives hope and support. Betrayal is so incredibly lonely and I think it helps immeasurably to have this amazing tribe of women who know our pain and can hold us up when we lack the strength to do it ourselves.

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  3. Elle, I've sometimes wondered if immersing yourself in our pain, day in, day out, is tough on you or holds you back, so many years after your own recovery and renewal. You have given so much of yourself, and we are grateful. I'm glad you are not yet giving it up, but whether you do so tomorrow or continue for years, know that you have made an incredible difference in my life and the lives of countless others. We love you.

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    1. Phoenix,
      My husband used to insist that this site was holding me back. "Reminding" me of what he did. I insisted then, and still do, that this site has actually helped me heal from what he did. My therapist agreed and pointed out that it was my husband who preferred to just pretend this never happened.
      Rather than hold me back in my own healing, I worried that I was holding the site back. So many of those feelings from the first one, two, three years feel really remote to me now and I was afraid that I couldn't connect with each of you in the same way. I'm aware though that even though I know longer feel them, I know I felt them. I remember them. They're somehow stored in my body so when I write my posts, I do so with a certain awareness coupled with the power of time that has brought me into a new understanding of the whole experience. When I go back and read my early posts from when I started, I can see how mired in my own pain I still was. And I'm not sure that's as helpful as being in a position where I can know what you're all feeling...but absolutely trust that you're going to get through this.
      What's more, I so often learn from all of you. You remind me of ways of coping that help in so many other ways (ie. dealing with teens!). You always, always make me feel wonderful when I read the notes of support and compassion you write each other. I LOVE when I see you responding to others with a "that's how I feel too" message.
      So while some days are hard in that there's so much pain being shared here, most days make me proud to have created this and privileged to play a part in helping women heal from their partner's betrayal.

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    2. Oh I so need this post! You remind me of how far I am on this path! The emotions you and others have made me come to new understanding of the emotions I was feeling and how to survive them. Like others I have read the site from beginning to present and then I go back and read my own posts to compare to the place I am now! In the beginning my h also thought that reading this blog was keeping me in pain mode, but I made him read some of the more important ones and he agreed that the site and sharing of love and support were beneficial to the both of us! I'm forever grateful for this blog and for you Elle and all the wonderful ladies I have met here! I agree with others that if you call it quits with what is here now that this blog has plenty to offer that is relevant to the new ones or the ones here for years! Love hugs and peace for us all!

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  4. Elle- this site has been an absolute God send. To know I'm not alone- To know my responses, feelings reactions are normal, even though I feel completely insane has been such a comfort. This site has been
    a place to find understanding, comfort, and even a sense of peace when my whole life felt like it was unraveling. It was a steady, sure path when it felt like every step beneath me was giving away.
    I always marvel at the thought and wisdom you give to your posts and your comments- I know it takes so much time. I appreciate it greatly. Thanks for keeping it going and for adding the donate button - I'm honored to help such an incredible site that has been such a blessing for me.

    To all the women and men who come here broken hearted - you're not alone. Elle is absolutely right that what happened is not your fault. Take time to heal,. Take time to see if your spouse is willing to do the hard work to change. Take time to see if you can truly forgive and do the hard work needed to move past such a deep betrayal. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know you're not a fool if you decide your marriage can be saved and is worth saving. Also, know you're not a failure if you decide it's too much, your spouse can not be trusted. Sometimes the only way to truly heal is to let go of the source of the pain- especially if it keeps inflicting pain.

    May this New year bring all of us peace, wholeness and joy. Prayers for each of you! You are precious!!

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    1. Lea,
      Thank-you for your kind words. And thank-you for the welcome mat you put out to those discovering this site. You summed it up beautifully. Sometimes we feel we need permission to take time to figure out what we want. That there isn't a one-size-fits-all response to betrayal.
      Peace, wholeness and joy sounds like a good plan.

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  5. Dear Elle
    The day I found your site I was so sad and alone. I felt like my world had coming crashing down and I didn't know how or if I could survive. I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone that this had happened to me and I was trying to find some answers and help from someone. I read one of your posts in the early hours of the morning and there you were someone who had been through the same thing and you were ok, you were like one star on a very dark night. I could identify with you. I had kids, and what I thought was a good marriage. Over the following days I read everything you had written the more recent posts gave me such hope that I won't always feel like this because you didn't. When I finally felt brave enough to write something (which took me some time) I was feeling like I couldn't go on because I had no one to talk to I wrote how I felt and you and other wonderful women reached out to me. You all saved my life that day. As the days go by I feel less alone. I have gained the strength to continue on this hard path knowing I have a wonderful support group to help me through it. I think the fact that you are further from the pain is inspirational and offers such hope that this will become just a chapter in life rather than the whole book. I can never truly thank you or any of the other beautiful souls on this site who have guided me through these dark days. I send you each a hug and thanks to all of you, my dark night now has many stars. Elle for all that you give to us you deserve all the happiness life has to offer and I am glad that the pain you were in when you started this site is a distant memory for you. There are some people in this world who really have a gift to touch the lives of so many and you are one of those special people. Sorry to have gone on so much but it's hard to know the right words to say. Thanks just didn't seem enough!

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    1. "my dark night now has many stars": Wow, Alone, that is beautiful. I'm so glad and grateful that you found us. And that we've helped you tap into your own strength. I feel like Glinda, in the Wizard of Oz: "You've always had what you need..." :)

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    2. I want to ditto this post, the blog saved me as well on the darkest night. Feeling endlessly grateful for all of you and for Elle she is such a beautiful bright light. The loneliness was crushing, nothing is more comforting then not feeling alone in this hell.

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    3. Ditto that beautiful quote: 'my dark night now has many stars'. How beautiful and lyrical.
      Thank you, Alone, for such a lovely description of this sisterhood.
      Strength and healing to you in 2016.

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    4. Alone(not so alone now)
      I read your post with tears flowing as you wrote beautifully what I was living through as well! In June when I found this blog, I was still in a stupor even though dday was 8 months prior. We had only had 2 months from no contact and I still didn't know how to deal with the volume of emotions that changed on an hourly basis! Reading this blog then and now I'm able to finally see the right path for me and my marriage. The advice and just knowing I was not alone in the hell that became my world has been the best part of the healing. I still go back and read the advice when I need a little encouragement! Thanks Alone for sharing your words!

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  6. Elle I am new here and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your compassion and understanding for all of us who are going through or have gone through such incredible pain such as infidelity or divorce. Especially myself who has been waiting an agonizing two weeks to get in to see a therapist. This site has helped me cope while I am waiting. I see the therapist on Tuesday and I have to say that these next few days are the longest days ever.
    Again thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

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    1. Christina,
      I used to hang on my fingernails for our therapy appointments. They felt like something to tie myself to when I was utterly adrift.
      Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that right now you are fine. You are breathing. You will be okay.

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  7. Glad to hear you are sticking with us. I am aware of the incredible amount of effort you put in to responding thoughtfully, empathetically and thoroughly to each of us every time I log onto this blog. And I am profoundly grateful. We attend couples therapy once a week, and he goes to therapy on his own once a week. This blog is MY 'on-my-own' therapy. And it has helped me beyond measure.
    Thank you, Elle, and thank you sisters. I am both sorrowful and grateful to meet you all.
    You all know how I mean that. :)
    Love you all.

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    1. We say it often on this site. The guidance of a compassionate, well-trained therapist is amazing. But the two most powerful words in the English language are "me too."

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    2. Suzannah, I always relate so much to your posts. I know we are similar in months since D Day and having little uns. Like you, my H is in his own therapy, we have weekly couples therapy and I have my own too. But this site is my own daily therapy and for that I am so grateful Elle.

      I am feeling so confused about my feelings for my H right now. He is saying/doing all the right things but I don't know if the damage is too much for me to live with....or whether I have built defences so high I'm scared to allow him back in, even if only a tiny bit at first. Still figuring it all out! If I've learnt anything from my daily read of this site, it's that I probably need to give myself more time.

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  8. Elle, thank you so much for all the hard work that you do. This site has been a lifesaver for me, and I mean that literally. I came thisclose to suicide more than once in that first terrible year following D-day. More than once, your words assuring me that it really can and does get better made me decide to try for just one more day.

    Thank you so very much for all that you have done and continue to do, and know that even though we have never met in real life, you hold a special place in my heart.

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  9. Elle,

    So many beautiful words here and so much love and appreciation this site you created is a safe harbor in a bitter storm, and a place of healing like no other. Thank you endlessly Elle for your tenderness, resilience, humility, talent and generosity....your actually like the LIGHT! from a lighthouse steadily blinking so that those of us blinded by betrayal are helped to shore.....

    Blessings to you and yours in this new year and to everyone here

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  10. Elle,
    I wanted to add a thank you for this amazing site. It has played a large role in my healing. My therapist had recommended I find a support group to be able to talk to others who had experienced this type of betrayal and a few months after I learned the full truth of my husband's affair, I found the BWC via a Google search. I read that first entry that appeared in my search and then I went back to your earliest posts and started reading from oldest to newest. I can't recall how long it took me to post for the first time, but when I did i thought, "These ladies get it." I knew I had found a place where the advice and support came from people's hearts. There was no judgement here and, at a time when I felt completely broken, I so desperately needed that. All of you here have helped me so much with your wisdom, your strength and your compassion. I continue to be amazed by how the ladies here can reach out to one another, sometimes even in the midst of their own pain. And while none of us would have chosen to become members of this club, I'm grateful to be among you.
    I'm sure there are some reading this who are newer to the site. I remember clearly reading posts in the first months after finding out and thinking there was no way I would ever be okay, much less happy. Yet, there were ladies here saying that it was possible, although it might not be easy. I had my doubts, but I held onto that hope. And today, I can tell you that there will come a day when that crushing pain lessens, slowly the light begins to outweigh the dark, and then you realize you will be okay.
    Hugs!

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  11. Elle,
    I found your site two years ago when I was so lost I had no idea where to turn or how I was going to make it through a day, an hour, a minute. You and the other women have kept me afloat more times than I can count....and continue to do so. This site and your insight has really allowed me to become a kinder, gentler yet stronger and more loving person despite all of this pain. You have also made me realize that at 2 years in I have plenty of time to heal....it doesn't feel good that it takes time but you've taught me that as long as I take care of myself and continue to put one foot in front of the other I will come out a better, happier person even if my marriage falls apart in the end. Thankfully my husband and I are making progress....albeit not as quickly as I would prefer.

    I would love to contribute to your site because you have been and still are invaluable to me.

    All my best to Elle and everyone who has been such an inspiration.

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  12. Elle"angel" simply put ... me too and yes i feel you girlfriend. Your words are precious jems and the support of the club priceless ... betrayal is lonely ... draining but not unsurviable even tho ot seems like that for way longer then we like. Not happy for the reason i need you but oh so glad i found you and you were here ... truly ... godsent. In the early days id hang by a thread for a response. A new post ... something anything of comfort and over the months it turned to indescribable support. .. guidance or just that simple but powerful ... me too ... me too .... xo for your dedication compassion and well soft place to land when the world u knew and around you seems cruel and cold. Thanks to you and all sister of the club who allow me focus perspective and ways to continue to find the sparkle in my day ... inside ... in my life.

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  13. Thank-you for all the kind words and support for this site. I love that so many of you see this as a "soft place to land...when the world seems cruel and cold." That's exactly what I want this to be.

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  14. It has been nearly 7 months since D day for me and I am still floundering. My H has been "sexually sober" since the day he disclosed and says he is on the road to recovery from a lifetime of porn/sex addiction and a childhood that included so much inappropriate sex related stuff that I knew nothing about. After 37 years of marriage and three children I think I still love this man but knowing he spent the last 8 years with hookers and porn makes me ill. I don't know how I will survive this. Your site saves me daily. The comments save me. I know I am not alone. I am afraid of the future. I do not want my adult children to know about their father as they see him as a perfect man. Oh what to do and how to do it? I go to bed and know that I just need to wake up, breathe and do it all over again. Having my husband's history of sex and porn grandfathered into my 37 year marriage is such a shock. I am so very sad and lost.

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    1. I hear ya, sister. I was shocked to say the least. And it took me a lot longer than seven months to absorb it all and accept it as part of my story, even if I'd had no idea.
      The big thing for me was seeing the change in my husband. He felt so much shame and disappointment in himself. I wanted my children's father to be healthy. Watching him work so hard to move past this horrible addiction allowed me to respect him for what he was doing. It wasn't easy. He had to learn new skills to cope. He had to fight his demons every day. But he did it. And I'm proud of him.
      I think sex is harder for us to accept than, say, alcohol. But if we recognize it as little more than offering our spouse the chance to chemically alter their brains as a way of coping than there's not much difference. Educating myself about sex/porn addiction also helped me realize that, crazy as it sounds, it was nothing personal. It, really, had nothing to do with me. I was collateral damage in his self-destruction.
      Give yourself time to absorb this. Read what you can -- a few really good books include Stefanie Carnes book Mending a Shattered Heart and Marsha Means' book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. I would also urge you to get counselling, if you aren't already doing so. You need support to get through this.
      And continue to share here. There's a wealth of support and knowledge and compassion and wisdom here that can keep you afloat when you lack the strength alone.

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  15. I found out 2 'months after marrying my husband that a year and a half before had an emotional affair with his son's teacher. We were not married yet but had been living together for 2 years and were planning on getting married. I read all the stories above and they make my story seem like a mole hill versus your volcanos, so why am I so devastated and paralyzed with pain that the man I considered my life partner and would mate would find himself seeking comfort from another woman? And it was an emotional affair that was progressing to a potential full on affair. He of course just admitted to that possibility in counseling yesterday. It has been almost 3 months since I discovered his double life and it has yet to get any easier. I at least don't cry every day... That's a plus I guess. Your stories are inspiring that people can actually recover. I in the hopeless stage today however. I hope to find more inspiration here to move forward

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    1. Anonymous,
      Betrayal is devastating in any form. Be gentle with yourself. Our response has less to do with the actual details of a partner's affair than with the lies and deception. When we've built a future based on what we believe about someone, it's terrifying to discover that trust was misplaced. We feel unsafe. We feel uncertain about our future. Our self-trust is shaken.
      If you want to rebuild your marriage, then counselling will certainly help. If it isn't getting any easier at all, you might consider individual counselling to help you really process what you're going through and get clear on how you want to proceed.
      In the meantime, however, let yourself be devastated without judging yourself for it. Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself and know that you're feelings, under the circumstances, are perfectly normal.

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  16. Anoymous
    Not one of the stories here are 'molehills' to the hearts involved! It doesn't matter if you're in a marriage for 20 plus years or first year or even just living together! Betrayal by the one you love and trust brings you to your knees! Period! It hurts to the very core of your being and leaves you screaming to breathe! Literally! I'm so sorry for the pain you feel! We have all been there! Your pain is no different than any of ours! I'm almost a two years from knowing that an affair happened but only 5 months from her last contact. Time and understanding will help in the meantime, take care of you! Just know we're here for you! Hugs!

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  17. Theresa
    Thank you for your kind support. I know it's true about it taking to heal. I sure wish Father Time would tick a bit faster. How long before the loving feelings return? Before you can open your heart up to receive their love? I feel so scared and my heart is walled off. It's making him crazy. Im not trying to hurt him, it's literally feels out of my control. His remorse is so huge and deep that he can barely live with himself. So why do I struggle taking that leap of faith and let him in... Let him love me?
    Christine

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