by Still Standing 1
Every person needs to take one day
away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the
future... Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are
confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from
the cares which will not withdraw from us. ~Maya Angelou
Today, I give you permission to rest. Today you don’t need
to be strong.You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to get all
the things on your list done. You don’t even need to check off one. Today you don’t need to hustle. Or kill it. Or be winning. You don’t need to
do everything for your kids or spouse or other people in your life. You don’t
need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
I’m reading exhaustion in so many of our posts. We’re just
so tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of trying to fix things. Tired of being in
charge of our own healing. Tired of standing and working and pretending like we
are okay. Tired of being in charge of the emotional labor. Of everything. Of
holding it all together. The thing is, trauma sucks all your energy. Surviving
is tiring. Working on your own healing is bone achingly exhausting sometimes.
As I train for my first half marathon, I’ve learned pretty
quickly that my rest days are an essential part of my training process. Resting
is an active choice and not a waste of time that should otherwise be
“productive.” Rest is a chance to let my body and mind recover, regroup and
heal. I can’t run seven miles and then go run 14 more. I need to rest in
between. I think sometimes, in the wake
of betrayal, we try to run all one hundred miles at once, in one day. Just let all the
running be done. We think if we run hard enough it will all go away. But…that’s not how this road back from trauma works.
When was the last time you rested? Gave yourself a break?
Let yourself off the hook? Gave yourself a hug? Said something nice to
yourself? Savored your meal? When was the last time you stopped moving, sat
down and took a deep breath?
Today I give you permission to stand down. Don’t light the
match. Stop hustling. Today you can read a book or play a useless video game or
sit and listen to birds completely guilt free. Nap. Put your feet up. Leave the dishes and the laundry where
they are. No guilt. The truth is everything will get on just fine if we don’t
do all the things we feel we ought to be doing. Don’t accomplish one official
thing and, in so doing, give your body and heart and mind some much needed space
to be. To recover. To unclench and breathe and gather strength for the next leg.
SS1 - I love this. Love, love, love this. This is all about what my in house separation was supposed to be about. I'm tired of everything and just wanted to rest. It certainly turned into more than I anticipated. Maybe for the good ... maybe not. Time will tell.
ReplyDeleteBut this weekend - I earned my "world's greatest mother" award by letting my 2 year old watch Paw Patrol all day Saturday. We ate at home - lucky charms for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, and she had spaghetti-os for dinner. I just didn't have the energy to mom ... little lone to be human. I regret naught. Because by Sunday morning I was able to get up, shower, and go fight the day.
It felt awesome to just be. I will definitely be doing that again!
I love it when I have to cook a scrambled egg in the microwave, in my "world's greatest mom" mug, because there are no clean dishes. :) Your little one probably loved that day. Sounds like you mommed just fine that day. She's going to remember that you spent the day with her, not what you fed her. You should do that as much as possible, especially when your newbie arrives. Just cocoon for a bit.
DeleteI’m gonna take your advice ss1 thank you, im ready fo r a rest xxx
ReplyDeleteMe too, Sam A. This winter has me worn down.
DeleteThis is so hard for me. I will say since dday my husband and I both individually, as a couple and family have simplified and say no a lot now. We really limit what we are willing to commit to. What I have found after peeling back is I crave to do it more. I feel like I am operating at a minimum of what needs to get done yet still struggle. And I am not talking about being OCD at all. I gave up on that a long time ago. I am just saying bare minimum like getting groceries so we have only the basics in the fridge. Or doing laundry so the kids have underwear. My husband does all his own so that works well. And my kids help when they can and are home. We all work hard to clean and take care of thing together. I feel their support and effort without me asking or begging. However I never feel caught up with the minimal amount. I know some day when my kids are gone they say I will miss this. And maybe I will but right now I am exhausted. My husband feels it too so I know it is not just me. I do not feel alone so that is good. We have streamlined everything. I know we are not over scheduled. We do work a lot but also see that as a way to model to our kids a strong work ethic. My next goal is to try out things like online grocery shopping etc. I live where options like this are very limited. But I am going to search. I do get overwhelmed since at first it seems like more of a time investment and one more thing to do/figure out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post and wish I could not relate so well!!
Great idea Barbara Evans, I’m with you on this anything for an easy life. Just recently I’ve started doing my shopping online, it’s packed and delivered to my door organised into fridge/ cupboard stuff it’s a joy I should have done this years ago. I think some people think I’m lazy, I would agree : ) xxx
DeleteOh Hopeful 30, I remember those days so well. Life was so challenging when my kids were growing up as there are 9 years between the oldest and youngest so the years when I had kids in elementary, middle and high school about killed me. My husband traveled out of state a lot and he went to many remote places so being the sole cook/bottle washer/chauffeur was exhausting not to mention working full time after grad school. I remember buying a large rice cooker at the suggestion of a friend and making a full pot of rice. Then she introduced me to all the options of canned chile and other boxed foods that can be easily cooked and put over rice. That was a godsend. My own mother would cook up maccaroni or spaghetti noodles and leave it covered in the fridge so when my littles were hungry she would pull it out, put a serving size in the bowl, add a pat of butter and let them sprinkle their own cheese and everyone was happy. As for shopping, she taught me to give them each a list of things to go find in the grocery store. They had to bring it back to the cart in order to understand how much time it takes out of life to eat. Same with laundry. I finally got to the place when I was in grad school that I did not care what they wore to school as long as I did not have to pick it out. I bought white and colored hampers so they could separate their own clothes too. The days when they had graham crackers and peanut butter for breakfast with a glass of milk were wonderful! My daughter, now 34, fondly remembers the day we had a coke and candy bar for lunch because we were so hungry and driving around to sport events. I told her we had to get fast calories and then McDonalds! It did not kill her or me. I live a bit far out from everything now. I have several shopping lists for the stores I have to travel an hour for and they are my master lists. I circle items in pencil and then erase the circle once I buy it just so I don't have to make more lists. Hoping you can make it to our hugging retreat.
DeleteThanks for the reminder SS1.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think I have kept myself busy just to avoid the pain, but the pain was always there creating ache in my heart and chatter in my head. Thankfully that pain is going away. And I suppose with kids there are things we have to do daily as parents, but when the kids are not here for a few hours what else can I do? When I thought about this, really thought, as much as I do things for myself - I don't stop. I'm meeting a friend soon so I will not break that commitment, but tomorrow. I think I will just stop and finish this book I've been reading.
Peace and hugs
Gabby xo
Me too gabby, I think I kept myself distracted with online dating, which can be very time consuming, almost like a part time job, to not deal with the immediate pain. it bring sup other stuff, but it was all still a distraction. I notice the never stopping thing in my sister, in the guy I'm dating, in other people and I always wonder "what do they think is going to happen if they stop moving? what are they so afraid of?"
DeleteRest is so important. I'm glad you are taking time to sit with yourself and your book. Your own self is some of the best company!
I am tired. I need that day. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteLuly, you take that day. and then another real soon if you need it.
DeleteOh god, yes. I am trying to give myself a break from all the angst over what to do in my relationship. I am standing down and focusing on the parts of my life that feel like fruitful and happy challenges-the reinvigoration of my professional life and my dedication to my physical fitness. I know there are hard lines to be drawn and decisions to come at the end of this week around my marriage. But I am feeling the promise of a future where I am more than the relationship that I am in. It is also my birthday week and I am looking forward to a weekday off from preparing dinner for the family and another night of wine and dinner with some fun women I am getting to know.
ReplyDeleteMBS happy birthday!! and also this "I am feeling the promise of a future where I am more than the relationship that I am in" amen sister.
DeleteOne of the podcasts I've been listening to suggested creating a safe zone for disclosure by the betrayed saying "I promise not to make any life altering decisions until after we've had __ sessions with a professional." I have to say - it's freeing to know that I get to put my burden down (Elle - you talked about this before ...) and just exist. Even just putting it down for an hour - a day - a few days - it's freeing and I'm hoping that by putting it down when the time comes the answer will be clearer to me.
DeleteMBS - put your burden down and celebrate the year YOU had ... not the year that your relationship had or the year your spouse had ... but celebrate YOUR year!
I looked back at my journal not so long ago and saw one entry that says I need solitude and rest, solitude and rest. I was exhausted after DDay, literally forcing myself to breathe. Last year after my Dad died, it was just a cluster fuck. I ended up at a walk in clinic thinking I might be having a heart attack. It was just a precaution because I knew it was stress. I was put out of work for two weeks. H started giving me a long to-do list and I said no. I used that time to do what I wanted, visited friends and family, and spent a few days in bed with my beagles. I'm fortunate in that my son is grown. When I went back to work, I was ready and came to the realization that work was my safe space. I've come a long way even from last year and am learning to know my value thus getting more respect at home. To all our wounded sisters, Still Standing is right, stand down. The world will not end if you take time for yourself. Your world might just be a little bit better
ReplyDelete"I was put out of work for two weeks. H started giving me a long to-do list ..." what an ass. Seriously, you are given two weeks of rest for anxiety and he's giving you a to do list. Takes some balls, honestly. I'm glad you turned him down and looked after yourself. Once you learn that a) everyone survives and b) you feel better able to handle your life after a rest, giving yourself a break becomes a lot easier to do the next time.
DeleteAmazing! I’m so guilty of not doing this but today I am doing only the have to do stuff and I don’t care if my floors are dirty because I haven’t mopped since we moved my mother and her pissy little dog into the house! I’m spot cleaning only! Thanks for this reminder!
ReplyDeleteGood for you Theresa .. how’s your mother doing? Xxx
ReplyDeleteSamA
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking. Today she dressed herself for the first time since her heart attack on Thanksgiving Day. She has made a good as good a come back as she can. She has congested heart failure and stage 4 kidney failure but she’s a stubborn old woman and she will have her good days and her bad days...we’re just living through one day at a time!
Theresa, your Mum sounds like a fighter, like mother like daughter as they say! One day at a time is all we have, make use of this precious time you have with her, sending love and prayers your way xxx
ReplyDeleteSam Part 1: It's been about 5 years for me now since dday #1. Things are so different and yet last night something set me off and I feel so low today. I wrote myself an email (my version of a journal) where I included: so many grudges, so much bad feeling. I am so sick of holding all these bad feelings in.
ReplyDeleteBut for the most part I am better. the resentment, hatred, confusion as to why/how this could have happened is pretty much out of my mind--usually. But last week my husband and I had an argument about whose fault it is that we don't go out just the two of us. of course he says it's mine, that I don't want to leave the kids, and I say it's his. You see, our mother in law lives with us and watches the kids (who are 10 and 12) when I'm not home, and every time she has to watch them any extra, meaning when I am not at work, she screams relentlessly when I come home (they wanted to eat, they just fight, why are you home so late, she's sick, he's hungry, etc.). I actually tried babysitters when they were younger but she complained even more, that now she has to watch the babysitter AND the kids. So I think my husband should do something about it, like say mom, I want to go out alone with my wife, and if you can't/won't watch the kids then I will get a babysitter. she would never say anything to her only son with whom she lives. But he won't so I blame him. I brought up how many times he went out with his whores--sure bc he had me as a babysitter and they had their husbands.
Sam Part 2: So now that we were arguing this is all in my head, rehashing his affairs and what he did for them but doesn't for me. So I texted him well what has changed. he said give me some dates so I did so he said he will check his schedule. so I know this is going nowhere. so then we go out to dinner for his birthday with mom and kids on Monday night which of course was late after work with over eating and overdrinking. he doesn't feel well bc just got home from a 2 day conference with overeating and overdrinking and he tells me forget it we aren't going out for at least a month hes had it for a while. of course I don't believe hes not going out. he goes out a least one to two times a month with other drs at work (hes a dr). so I just say ok and I'm waiting to see what happens, waiting to argue over it when he goes back on his word. what an awful way to have a marriage. I feel bad.
ReplyDeleteso last night he comes home really late from work had brought take out with him. I always get up whenever he comes home to keep him company when he eats but not this time. so of course he makes all sorts of comments this morning. well you know, I always got up when he got home and prepared his dinner and what did it get me? being cheated on. when I had pneumonia he didn't go to the pharmacy to get my meds I went myself. when I had mastitis involving both breasts from breast feeding my daughter he didn't take off work to go with me to the dr and yet he took off 2 years prior one day to spend the day with one of his whores while I went to work. so I didn't see the need for me to get up with him last night.
I feel so angry and resentful. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sorry for the rambling post but I had to get it out.
Anon - March 8, I would try this...Week 1 is his to plan a date and secure babysitting and week 2 is yours to plan and secure babysitting. The week it’s on you tell him you’ve hired a babysitter and the MIL is to also be out of the house doing something she wants, as you’re giving her the night off. If she chooses not to take the night off, THAT is on her. I find putting the responsibility 50% on your spouse for setting up a night out works. The week he fails it shows. Of course in house dates also work. Movie and pizza and conversation. Healing doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be a hike at a park,bike ride, coffee or dinner. Movies out never work for me, as you need to talk and movies don’t allow that. So in house movies that are you favorites or a new release works better.
DeleteHope this helps. Do not let him blame you for this! He put you in this situation and the live in MIL is another situation. You have time to plan things IF you are committed to make things work. If he says he’s to busy being a dr and has no time to plan things out then tell him he’s not all in for this recovery/healing.
I made up a bunch of envelopes with date ideas and then I would make him draw an envelope. Make it a competition as to who can plan the best date.
We do not have any family living with us but it was a running theme during the affair years for my husband to use his parents as a way to detach from me and the kids. It was always an easy excuse. And mine is a dr too and works super late. Well he would call and say let's meet for dinner. I would think how nice well I would show up and one or both of his parents would be there. I would end up sitting by myself basically while he and the kids absorbed themselves in his parents. It was a huge issue. I did bring it up and I always got accused of being mean and how could I not want to include them. I was always the problem if I spoke up. Now I see it was a barrier and a way for him to stay detached.
DeleteThis was a big issue that I worked through with my therapist. My therapist said I had to lay it on the line with my husband and tell him that he needed to choose me/us or his parents. They can and need to take care of themselves. This was not like he was helping them with health or medical issues. My husband also would use the excuse he did not want to pay for a babysitter it would cost too much money. And I felt the same way as you did that wasn't it nice I was here taking care of his kids, home and life to support him and his career while he went out with them. Not a care in the world. Again my therapist said he gave up all that freedom and independence when he had two affairs. That was his choice and the consequences are he needs to follow my boundaries.
The going out also has been an issue for us. He has always been well liked by family, friends and I guess women too. People gravitate to him and he gets invited to do a ton of things. I also feel he gives his all for those social situations and can enjoy a long night out with others but with me it is let's order in and watch netflix. I struggle with this since to me it mimics the affairs. With me there is comfort, ease, relaxation all good things. But going out with others is fun, lively, exciting, adventurous etc. I see parallels to the affairs. We have talked about this and I have put it on the line that if he wants to lead a certain lifestyle of going out even not involving women that I do not want to be in a relationship with someone like that. He and I came up with a plan together and he is totally on board that before he goes out he lets me know all the details who he is with, where he is going and he even commits to when he will be home and how much he will drink. He gets caught up in the moment otherwise. This is still a red flag to me. However it is working. He likes setting I guess what you would call a plan or intention for his time away from home. If he does not and ends up even in his mind staying out to late he beats himself up. This to me is a major character flaw and issue for my husband. I am still trying to figure out the root cause or meaning behind it. He has changed so much but if anything I am less tolerant and have higher expectations than ever.
Sorry to go on so long but from what you wrote it sounds like you have issues you need to work through together. I will say we are at the three year mark and issues come and go. We go through calm periods but then something will come up and we will face it. One thing I have come to learn is this will be part of our lives forever it is not something either of us should or can forget.
Sam, I get it. And it does help just to get it all out, doesn't it? Their cheating often causes big resentment (even if they do the hard work of repair) and the little every day stuff that isn't addressed & corrected is like adding more straws on the camel's back one at a time. I always wonder if I will reach my breaking point and it won't be for the cheating, it will be for something much smaller (and ultimately the small things wouldn't be divorce worthy if there was never any cheating). Our MC suggested that we have to take turns planning dates and it has to be something other than going out to dinner. We did very good with that for about a year and then my H got fired and hasn't looked for work. So he probably feels like he can't afford to take me out and I feel like I don't want to take him out and give him more reason not to work. Sounds like you need to keep talking to him know your need to go out. Hang in there!
DeleteAnon March 8, try putting 50% planning responsibility on your husband for dates. You can’t argue when the planned date, babysitting arrangements etc is up to the planner. When it’s your turn get a babysitter, inform the MIL in advance so she too can have a night out and off the clock. If she opts to stay at home with the babysitter and kids, then she cannot complain - shut her down if she does.
DeleteThe thing is is you are dealing with the infidelity and enough self blame. He cannot put this reconnecting and healing process solely on your shoulders. I don’t care if he’s a dr and maybe has a booked schedule in his mind. He made time for affairs so he needs to buck up now.
Make it a competition as to who can plan the best date. I made up a bunch of date event cards and my husband had to draw a card. We went for hikes, motorcycle rides and lots of free things. Just time allotted to be together. Try that approach with your H!
These suggestions are all so wonderful. Thank you all so much for sharing. I like the taking turns and date night cards idea, even the staying in ones, although like hopeful 30 I felt for a long time that i was the comfortable old pair of shoes and going out was the exciting new women. But i do think it's good and healthy to incorporate both.
Delete--Sam
Totally agree with going out. My all time favorite date was one I planned. My Dday is pretty much my birthday. I found an email the day after my birthday. That birthday totally sucked. I got nothing but a card and he was very distant. We went to a concert with some neighbors for my birthday but it’s not like he paid for everyone’s ticket, yet he says that was my present.
DeleteSo on my one year antiversary of Dday and my birthday I had planned a trip to a bed&breakfast in a small town about 40 min away. We went for dinner and then went out to a small pub and met a couple that was also staying at the b&b. It was totally something new and fun! So sometimes it’s required to show your spouse how fun things could be with you again. They forget and somehow think trying with another will be better. I will never understand that. good luck Sam!
The theme song of orange is the new black stood out to me ... taking steps is easy ...standing still is hard. We need to though self care front and center who cares if the kids had a bowl of cereal for dinner or a cheese sandwich. We are surviving ... striving some days even and on days we are not let it roll off of us without so much pressure because we are awesome warriors. Wounded not broken!
ReplyDeleteI didn’t realize how tired and exhausted I was until I read this SS1. I have been going and fighting and drowning since December and really - since forever. It does takes everything out of you. Thanks for the reminder to just take a break!
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