Elle and my lovely lady warriors here, Today my pastor advised me to reply to H that I still love him and wants to keep the family together. Other than the first 2 weeks (we have separated for 2 months now) where H tried all means to win me back, thereafter he stopped. He still stays in the same home as me but we avoid any contact. It is like living with a tenant. I heeded my pastor’s advice and sent him the message. H did not reply nor read. I am sure if his family finds out what I did, they will laugh their heads off at me. They will say “See. She cannot let go and live on her own”. The truth is I felt right to send him those messages. I felt right to let him know despite all the hurt and pain he has caused me, I acknowledge I still love him and would very much like to raise our son together. Sounds stupid of me, isn’t it? I must confess looking at my son in tears begging me to keep the family together, I lost all my resolve to proceed with the divorce. I told myself, even if H refuses marital therapy, counselling and such, I am blessed with a bigger heart by God, granted an enormous strength and will power only God knows, I will rise above it all for my son’s future. At least, if H proceeds with the divorce as I have filed it, I know I have done my best to save the marriage. My son will grow up knowing his mum will do everything for him and she did not leave any stones unturned. As I type this, I am at peace, yet drained and simply exhausted with so much going on. At times, I wonder if I am such a weakling too...goodness.
God is Love, say Christians. It's just so hard for us human beings to experience, recognise or enter into full love. We are always dealing with hurt, disappointment, judgement and miscommunication. I salute your generosity of spirit, Lynn.
Lynn, at 2 months you are still in shock of what happened. It sounds like your husband's ego is in the way of both of you talking. And as far as his family is concerned, they have no business in this mess that their family member created. Keep talking to God, working on yourself, and making your son feel safe. A lot of times people avoid therapy because they don't want to see what is wrong with themselves. That was me with therapy I didn't want to see that, I already felt that it was all my fault that my husband had an affair right under my nose with a pig that we worked with. We are almost 3 years out from Dday but it still hurts at times. I wish you all the best. C
Lynn, Don't second guess your willingness to extend a gift to someone that is driven by your heart and your faith. You can, no matter what happens, look back and know you did everything you could. I felt like I had to be all in and try because it might be that part I held back that stopped things from working out. Just know that you can give something your all, do everything right and it still doesn't work out the way we want. As you say, you can look back and know you did your best. And one way or another, your son will know that you tried your hardest. And he will know, no matter what happens, that you love him. Its saddening and confusing that our Hs give up so easily. I think they are so used to us making things easy, bearing the emotional workload and sacrificing our needs, that when we finally say something as simple as "I need time to think." They fall apart because we didn't immediately open our arms and save them from this mess they've made (wow that's my stuff showing up there. ) But I get that they have expended so much energy hiding or lying and now they have no energy for the real work of recovering. And please dont tell yourself stories about his family and what they think. 1. they are not in this marriage. Their opinions don't matter. 2. If they really are that judgmental, then they are jerks and don't deserve to be in your life and 3. You are not weak for loving. People often laugh at that kind of vulnerability because they are afraid of it themselves. Hang in there Lynn. You sound like you are at peace with your choices and that is a good thing. Now you rest awhile.
There is nothing wrong with you, nor is there anything wrong with you sending him a message of how you feel. There is no playbook to betrayal and you are doing what feels right to you. You are most definitely NOT weak - sorting through and processing betrayal takes incredible strength.
You have support in this forum for whatever happens.
Hi Lynn, I commend you. I too chose to stay for my 2 son's. Even though it's not my fault,I felt like it would have been my decision to break up the family. It's just over a year and I still feel the loss of the safety and security I felt before. I used to love him without fear and endlessly. Today I am scared to let go. Staying but struggling to get that deep connection with him. Most of the time I don't even want to kiss him. Is that weird? I know that I don't want to live without him. He is doing everything he can to make it up. So confused...
Surviving, I think it is so normal to fee the way you do. I am over 3 years out. At one year it was still hard. All of this takes a lot of work and time. There are so many deep feelings wrapped up in all of this. And honestly as far as kissing him I think for many of us intimacy and affection of any kind can be hard to express or desire. That is how we make ourselves vulnerable. And after losing the trust of our husbands I think that is not uncommon. For me what worked was I saw a therapist. I also wrote in a journal every day. My husband and I had one time a week we would schedule to talk. This was a time when the kids were not around and we were going to talk about the affairs, betrayal, him, me, us, communication etc. (it has evolved over time). Before we would talk I would look at my daily notes and see if there was any theme. This would help me figure out what I wanted to talk about. Otherwise I tended to go off on tangents and get emotional. In the end I would feel worse. This gave me a little bit of guidance but was still my words and ideas. This helped us a ton.
As a whole I would say for us the first year was about me coping with the pain. The next two years were really about him facing what he had done. My husband had ended both affairs 15 months before dday all on his own. So I figured he was done and over them. Well I was so wrong. It is strange to say but at this point he is more bothered and affected by what he did. Of course it still hits me and I will never forget. But I am not so deeply affected and I have healed a lot. Saying all of this my husband is in the mental health profession. That has helped him more than I can imagine and us as a couple. He deals with this every day and has all the training in the world. This would have been really hard if he did not commit and put in the effort. He has all the resources himself but I urge anyone that your spouse should get help too. Having a husband who is working hard and making real changes is what made the difference to me. Neither of us can go back in time and change his decisions no matter how bad we want that. Instead by seeing him change it has made me want to stay and love him more than I did before. I never thought I would say that or feel this way. And we are also closer than ever. One last thing is I came to accept that this won't ever go away and will always be part of our marriage/story.
Give yourself time and work through what you are feeling. And don't be hard on yourself or think about what is causing those feelings. For me I was scared to be vulnerable and be hurt again.
This landed in my inbox today from the Daily Om, and I had to share. So relevant for us all regardless of where we are in the journey.;
BY MADISYN TAYLOR We cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. As we begin to truly understand that the world outside of us is a reflection of the world inside of us, we may feel confused about who is to blame for the problems in our lives. If we had a difficult childhood, we may wonder how we can take responsibility for that, and in our current relationships, the same question arises. We all know that blaming others is the opposite of taking responsibility, but we may not understand how to take responsibility for things that we don't truly feel responsible for. We may blame our parents for our low self-esteem, and we may blame our current partner for exacerbating it with their unconscious behavior. Objectively, this seems to make sense. After all, it is not our fault if our parents were irresponsible or unkind, and we are not to blame for our partner's bad behavior.
Perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands.
We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame.
Wow. This right here: we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated.
SS1, I really needed to read this today. The timing was perfect, especially this part: "Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands." I've been reading similar words from Elle and other warriors here... always good for me to keep hearing them. They become a mantra.
Lynn, I agree with the others. So sorry you are finding yourself here. It is so early on. Give yourself time. Think about what you want. Also I totally agree this is about the two of you. His family should not be part of this. No one really knows what goes on in another marriage. And I initially stayed because of my kids. But now I am here for the marriage. It has taken so much work. And there have been ups and downs. Hang in there and give yourself time.
SS1 THIS!! "Its saddening and confusing that our Hs give up so easily. I think they are so used to us making things easy, bearing the emotional workload and sacrificing our needs, that when we finally say something as simple as "I need time to think." They fall apart because we didn't immediately open our arms and save them from this mess they've made (wow that's my stuff showing up there. ) But I get that they have expended so much energy hiding or lying and now they have no energy for the real work of recovering."
That says so much, then if you take a sex addict and throw SHAME on top of it, well they can hardly look at us. The guilt is overwhelming I am sure and they wonder how CAN we possibly take them BACK?
My H, after D-Day 2 when he finally admitted he was an SA-right off the bat joined 12 step support groups and his goal was to be faithful to and only have sex with me. Some support group that deals with recovery in three circles, can't remember which. He wrote it all down. He didnt even tell me about that. He just could not even look me in the face.
Thank you ladies for the care and support. Still Standing 1, you are right. From his first and second affair, to his fetish...I have always been forgiving, choosing to stay and resume nomalcy in our lives. For me, as long as my son is happy, let me as an adult deal with my own pain. I am his mum. I am supposed to provide him a peaceful life. Anyway, H did not even read my texts nor the card I did upon my pastor's advice. He has said next Tuesday he will end the marriage. It is MY fault. It is ME who broke up the family. As much as I know that is gaslighting me, it still hurts. I feel like I am thrown into the bonfire. While I am burning, others are rejoicing...serves her right. Her beautiful life is all gone...I know I should not let how others see me define me but lately, my mind a mess. The heart is taking a lot of control...a lot I sat down listing all the pluses and minuses of staying on and retracting the divorce filing. The minuses outweigh the pluses so much more. Yet my betrayed heart told my head, I can fix this mess. I am a fighter. I told my pastor all these. He said it will be like this for sometime...maybe years. He told me it is not my fault all these happened. H will change but slowly. He told me to leave everything to God as His Grace and His Wisdom are perfect plans for us. I am sorry ladies for being such a mess now. I wish I can be on the first flight out to California with my son and hibernate at Disneyland. At least Disneyland will distract my son from his pain.
Lynn I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I have read everything but have not had 2 free hands to type since little guy was born.
I wonder if your H might still be involved in some way with the OW? His behavior reminds me of a clear case of affair fog. His childish refusal to read a card seems horrible.
I hope you find peace in knowing that you are doing everything you can. But he has to meet you somewhere in the middle.
And I hope your son will see all of your efforts in time. He’s slightly behind my son - who is 9 - and I imagine it might be some time before he does. I know that my son has truly taken it out on me and not his dad the last 9 months. It makes me sad that I don’t get to be brutally honest with him because he wouldn’t understand it.
Elle and my lovely lady warriors here,
ReplyDeleteToday my pastor advised me to reply to H that I still love him and wants to keep the family together. Other than the first 2 weeks (we have separated for 2 months now) where H tried all means to win me back, thereafter he stopped. He still stays in the same home as me but we avoid any contact. It is like living with a tenant. I heeded my pastor’s advice and sent him the message. H did not reply nor read. I am sure if his family finds out what I did, they will laugh their heads off at me. They will say “See. She cannot let go and live on her own”. The truth is I felt right to send him those messages. I felt right to let him know despite all the hurt and pain he has caused me, I acknowledge I still love him and would very much like to raise our son together. Sounds stupid of me, isn’t it? I must confess looking at my son in tears begging me to keep the family together, I lost all my resolve to proceed with the divorce. I told myself, even if H refuses marital therapy, counselling and such, I am blessed with a bigger heart by God, granted an enormous strength and will power only God knows, I will rise above it all for my son’s future. At least, if H proceeds with the divorce as I have filed it, I know I have done my best to save the marriage. My son will grow up knowing his mum will do everything for him and she did not leave any stones unturned.
As I type this, I am at peace, yet drained and simply exhausted with so much going on. At times, I wonder if I am such a weakling too...goodness.
Love Lynn
God is Love, say Christians. It's just so hard for us human beings to experience, recognise or enter into full love. We are always dealing with hurt, disappointment, judgement and miscommunication. I salute your generosity of spirit, Lynn.
DeleteLynn, at 2 months you are still in shock of what happened. It sounds like your husband's ego is in the way of both of you talking. And as far as his family is concerned, they have no business in this mess that their family member created. Keep talking to God, working on yourself, and making your son feel safe. A lot of times people avoid therapy because they don't want to see what is wrong with themselves. That was me with therapy I didn't want to see that, I already felt that it was all my fault that my husband had an affair right under my nose with a pig that we worked with. We are almost 3 years out from Dday but it still hurts at times. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteC
Lynn, Don't second guess your willingness to extend a gift to someone that is driven by your heart and your faith. You can, no matter what happens, look back and know you did everything you could. I felt like I had to be all in and try because it might be that part I held back that stopped things from working out. Just know that you can give something your all, do everything right and it still doesn't work out the way we want. As you say, you can look back and know you did your best. And one way or another, your son will know that you tried your hardest. And he will know, no matter what happens, that you love him.
ReplyDeleteIts saddening and confusing that our Hs give up so easily. I think they are so used to us making things easy, bearing the emotional workload and sacrificing our needs, that when we finally say something as simple as "I need time to think." They fall apart because we didn't immediately open our arms and save them from this mess they've made (wow that's my stuff showing up there. ) But I get that they have expended so much energy hiding or lying and now they have no energy for the real work of recovering.
And please dont tell yourself stories about his family and what they think. 1. they are not in this marriage. Their opinions don't matter. 2. If they really are that judgmental, then they are jerks and don't deserve to be in your life and 3. You are not weak for loving. People often laugh at that kind of vulnerability because they are afraid of it themselves.
Hang in there Lynn. You sound like you are at peace with your choices and that is a good thing. Now you rest awhile.
Lynn,
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with you, nor is there anything wrong with you sending him a message of how you feel. There is no playbook to betrayal and you are doing what feels right to you. You are most definitely NOT weak - sorting through and processing betrayal takes incredible strength.
You have support in this forum for whatever happens.
Please let us know how you are doing xo
Hi Lynn, I commend you. I too chose to stay for my 2 son's. Even though it's not my fault,I felt like it would have been my decision to break up the family. It's just over a year and I still feel the loss of the safety and security I felt before. I used to love him without fear and endlessly. Today I am scared to let go. Staying but struggling to get that deep connection with him. Most of the time I don't even want to kiss him. Is that weird? I know that I don't want to live without him. He is doing everything he can to make it up. So confused...
ReplyDeleteSurviving, I think it is so normal to fee the way you do. I am over 3 years out. At one year it was still hard. All of this takes a lot of work and time. There are so many deep feelings wrapped up in all of this. And honestly as far as kissing him I think for many of us intimacy and affection of any kind can be hard to express or desire. That is how we make ourselves vulnerable. And after losing the trust of our husbands I think that is not uncommon. For me what worked was I saw a therapist. I also wrote in a journal every day. My husband and I had one time a week we would schedule to talk. This was a time when the kids were not around and we were going to talk about the affairs, betrayal, him, me, us, communication etc. (it has evolved over time). Before we would talk I would look at my daily notes and see if there was any theme. This would help me figure out what I wanted to talk about. Otherwise I tended to go off on tangents and get emotional. In the end I would feel worse. This gave me a little bit of guidance but was still my words and ideas. This helped us a ton.
DeleteAs a whole I would say for us the first year was about me coping with the pain. The next two years were really about him facing what he had done. My husband had ended both affairs 15 months before dday all on his own. So I figured he was done and over them. Well I was so wrong. It is strange to say but at this point he is more bothered and affected by what he did. Of course it still hits me and I will never forget. But I am not so deeply affected and I have healed a lot. Saying all of this my husband is in the mental health profession. That has helped him more than I can imagine and us as a couple. He deals with this every day and has all the training in the world. This would have been really hard if he did not commit and put in the effort. He has all the resources himself but I urge anyone that your spouse should get help too. Having a husband who is working hard and making real changes is what made the difference to me. Neither of us can go back in time and change his decisions no matter how bad we want that. Instead by seeing him change it has made me want to stay and love him more than I did before. I never thought I would say that or feel this way. And we are also closer than ever. One last thing is I came to accept that this won't ever go away and will always be part of our marriage/story.
Give yourself time and work through what you are feeling. And don't be hard on yourself or think about what is causing those feelings. For me I was scared to be vulnerable and be hurt again.
No Surviving...it is not weird. I stopped having sex with H for years. I find it filthy to even touch him. Yes let him do everything to make up.
DeleteThank you for all the advise. I will try everything I can.
DeleteThis landed in my inbox today from the Daily Om, and I had to share. So relevant for us all regardless of where we are in the journey.;
ReplyDeleteBY MADISYN TAYLOR
We cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready.
As we begin to truly understand that the world outside of us is a reflection of the world inside of us, we may feel confused about who is to blame for the problems in our lives. If we had a difficult childhood, we may wonder how we can take responsibility for that, and in our current relationships, the same question arises. We all know that blaming others is the opposite of taking responsibility, but we may not understand how to take responsibility for things that we don't truly feel responsible for. We may blame our parents for our low self-esteem, and we may blame our current partner for exacerbating it with their unconscious behavior. Objectively, this seems to make sense. After all, it is not our fault if our parents were irresponsible or unkind, and we are not to blame for our partner's bad behavior.
Perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands.
We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame.
Wow. This right here: we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated.
Hugs and love everyone... SS1
SS1,
DeleteI really needed to read this today. The timing was perfect, especially this part:
"Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands."
I've been reading similar words from Elle and other warriors here... always good for me to keep hearing them. They become a mantra.
Lynn, I agree with the others. So sorry you are finding yourself here. It is so early on. Give yourself time. Think about what you want. Also I totally agree this is about the two of you. His family should not be part of this. No one really knows what goes on in another marriage. And I initially stayed because of my kids. But now I am here for the marriage. It has taken so much work. And there have been ups and downs. Hang in there and give yourself time.
ReplyDeleteSS1 THIS!! "Its saddening and confusing that our Hs give up so easily. I think they are so used to us making things easy, bearing the emotional workload and sacrificing our needs, that when we finally say something as simple as "I need time to think." They fall apart because we didn't immediately open our arms and save them from this mess they've made (wow that's my stuff showing up there. ) But I get that they have expended so much energy hiding or lying and now they have no energy for the real work of recovering."
ReplyDeleteThat says so much, then if you take a sex addict and throw SHAME on top of it, well they can hardly look at us. The guilt is overwhelming I am sure and they wonder how CAN we possibly take them BACK?
My H, after D-Day 2 when he finally admitted he was an SA-right off the bat joined 12 step support groups and his goal was to be faithful to and only have sex with me. Some support group that deals with recovery in three circles, can't remember which.
He wrote it all down. He didnt even tell me about that. He just could not even look me in the face.
Thank you ladies for the care and support. Still Standing 1, you are right. From his first and second affair, to his fetish...I have always been forgiving, choosing to stay and resume nomalcy in our lives. For me, as long as my son is happy, let me as an adult deal with my own pain. I am his mum. I am supposed to provide him a peaceful life.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, H did not even read my texts nor the card I did upon my pastor's advice. He has said next Tuesday he will end the marriage. It is MY fault. It is ME who broke up the family. As much as I know that is gaslighting me, it still hurts. I feel like I am thrown into the bonfire. While I am burning, others are rejoicing...serves her right. Her beautiful life is all gone...I know I should not let how others see me define me but lately, my mind a mess. The heart is taking a lot of control...a lot
I sat down listing all the pluses and minuses of staying on and retracting the divorce filing. The minuses outweigh the pluses so much more. Yet my betrayed heart told my head, I can fix this mess. I am a fighter.
I told my pastor all these. He said it will be like this for sometime...maybe years. He told me it is not my fault all these happened. H will change but slowly. He told me to leave everything to God as His Grace and His Wisdom are perfect plans for us.
I am sorry ladies for being such a mess now. I wish I can be on the first flight out to California with my son and hibernate at Disneyland. At least Disneyland will distract my son from his pain.
Love this ss1 .. thank you xx
ReplyDeleteLynn
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and prayers for peace for you and your son! God is in control!
TESTIFY! I have often felt this way, long before my h betrayed me.
ReplyDeleteI am a human being, an individual with individual thoughts, opinions, ambitions, fears, struggles...
I am not "better than." I am not "less than." I am HERE, and I want to be SEEN and HEARd.
Lynn I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I have read everything but have not had 2 free hands to type since little guy was born.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your H might still be involved in some way with the OW? His behavior reminds me of a clear case of affair fog. His childish refusal to read a card seems horrible.
I hope you find peace in knowing that you are doing everything you can. But he has to meet you somewhere in the middle.
And I hope your son will see all of your efforts in time. He’s slightly behind my son - who is 9 - and I imagine it might be some time before he does. I know that my son has truly taken it out on me and not his dad the last 9 months. It makes me sad that I don’t get to be brutally honest with him because he wouldn’t understand it.