This is a good one that I've seen before. It's something we have to rewire our brain because it's become ingrained that we automatically go to the "I'm sorry"...... Hugs Gabby xo
Wow - powerful. And just last night I was expressing a feeling to my husband - something that I felt he didn't do and immediately I said "I'm sorry" and then I said "no, I'm not sorry for expressing what I am feeling or needing." Later I said "thank you for being patient with me - I am sorry for saying it when I did." But - just this little reminder is huge for me. A shift. Thank you!
I still say I am sorry too often. One thing since dday is I make a huge effort to thank my husband and validate when he does something I like. I find he responds well to this. He must rank high on affirmations as something he needs. I mean I do it for things he helps out with but also how he treats me. I also tell him what I don't like. I decided after dday I would be more present. For me that means being more active in how I do and don't like to be treated. It has worked out well.
Hopeful 30 - this is a good reminder for me, too. And something I am working on. I apologize so much for MY feelings...and I'm trying to stop doing that. But I find that while my husband is not huge on affirmations (words of affirmation are his lowest love language - he is bit on acts of service...of course, my lowest love language) but I still find that when I thank him for mainly how he treats me, it makes a huge difference. It shows him that I do notice the effort he is making, not just the stuff he does wrong, so to speak. Thanks for sharing!
Jules, I know it is hard when our love languages are opposite. We joke about it some now. The Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus really pointed it out. We always say he is earning gold stars. He will get mad if I do something and he does not get his gold star. He always says he is at a deficit. It is so nice though for years I had to ask him to do anything. Now he takes the lead and just does things. I do say I work to not criticize or correct him how I would do it. It can be hard but I need to let go and validate his effort and work he does even if it is different. Overall it is better communication. Also I know I say it on here all the time but the article in The Atlantic Masters of Love by Gottman talks about turning towards your partner and making bids towards them. My husband really got a lot from the article. I think I took a good level of interest in his life but he took little to no interest in my life good or bad. He basically was like if it does not interest me I don't care what you are doing and even think it is a waste of time like volunteering. Now he sees it in a totally different way. It is a good read and something I circle back to often.
Hopeful 30 Yep everything you just said! Finally my h is asking? What can I do to make today better in everything just like he did when we were before him needing different sex! That said I know others are hurting because they have dumbass h that just don’t get it! Hugs!
I know my husband has been more leaning this direction I think much in part due to his personality and profession. To be honest I always thought even with his detachment etc we were always way better off than any friends I have were/are. Their spouses have always been more checked out and really not nice to them. For me that was a false sense of security. I also thought since we had direct conversations about the idea that other women could find him attractive/approach him and vice versa yet he always denied anything ever happening. In the end I never thought he would lie so directly to my face and thought since I did not have my head in the sand we were okay. However since dday etc he has elevated his involvement. What I like most is he is doing it without asking. Sort of a dream for me. I will take it and cultivate it as much as possible.
This post prompted me to track how many times I say "I'm sorry" and it appears I say it jokingly a lot. In trying to be more present and deliberate in my actions I am able to say "thank you" more. The article Hopeful30 references is a good one and thanks to her earlier in my betrayal life posts she suggested it and provided a link. It is easy to see how the early relationship days of being attentive, kind, thoughtful and considerate of my spouse gave way to the business of children, illness, work, grad school and the ups and downs of life. He handled it one way and I handled it another way. We are much more aligned now than ever before but the Gottman way is a great way to live after betrayal when both parties want to heal and move forward.
Here's the set up for what happened last night: we were at a sporting event with a large group of people. Some I know well and some I barely know. None know about my experience with my H. Drinks were free and dinner was supposed to be included, but the meal fell through. So after lots of drinks and no food for me, someone brought up politics (No worries. This is NOT turning into a political post). A man I barely know said this, "I had to vote for Trump because I just could not respect Hillary after forgiving Bill after the whole blue dress thing." At that point instead of asking leading questions and forming a coherent argument, I became a raging lunatic. I cussed, I raised my voice, I may have even spit while talking. I asked how he could make that her shame to carry. I asked how he could give Trump a pass for actually committing adultery, but not Hillary for forgiving it. Next, someone brought up being on a flight and having old flight attendants that had poor customer service skills. I pulled up a ton of Instagram photos of flight attendants who were also swimsuit models. It was awkward and made no sense to them I'm sure because they had no idea. So today I'm trying to be nice to myself and take in the reminder about alcohol on an empty stomach leading you to make an ass of yourself. My H took it well and we had a sober discussion about how my buttons got pushed. I'm sure these acquaintances will think of me as the angry crazy political girl (which is not me at all). I figured you guys would likely understand. Even after all the progress, time, and healing we may all be a few drinks and one comment away from near insanity in public. I'm sure my closer friends who witnessed it and know that's out of character are gonna have some questions.
ann, Totally understand!! This is honestly why I am not close to any friends still. My closest friends and I are similar in our views but discussions get intense and they have made their feelings known about others in their lives and infidelity. I find it hard though at the gym, volunteering, at kids schools wherever or even watching the news these days to cope with the feelings. I feel like the rhetoric out there does not understand what it is like and the true outcome of infidelity. Society totally still puts the blame on the betrayed spouse especially if the betrayed is the woman and stays. I know my friends would die if they knew I stayed with my husband after what he did for 10 years. It was hard for me to take and has taken three years and honestly it will be work forever for us. I know they would be "nice" to me but deep down I know they would not understand. I am not sure I would have understood if the roles were reversed. I would have been understanding because that is who I am.
As far as the drinking on the empty stomach or even in different situations I am much more careful now too. I strongly believe too it is a depressant and is not the best for anyone's mood even without this type of situation. I am so glad your husband and you were able to have a good discussion that to me is the best part of this. Not to be political at all but the number of people that voted for Trump and bash Hilary and say exactly what you mention above I find hard to comprehend. And it is in the news constantly everywhere. Ugh.
This is a good one that I've seen before. It's something we have to rewire our brain because it's become ingrained that we automatically go to the "I'm sorry"......
ReplyDeleteHugs
Gabby xo
Wow - powerful. And just last night I was expressing a feeling to my husband - something that I felt he didn't do and immediately I said "I'm sorry" and then I said "no, I'm not sorry for expressing what I am feeling or needing." Later I said "thank you for being patient with me - I am sorry for saying it when I did." But - just this little reminder is huge for me. A shift. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI’ll try this! In fact I think I am already doing so to the best I can!
ReplyDeleteI still say I am sorry too often. One thing since dday is I make a huge effort to thank my husband and validate when he does something I like. I find he responds well to this. He must rank high on affirmations as something he needs. I mean I do it for things he helps out with but also how he treats me. I also tell him what I don't like. I decided after dday I would be more present. For me that means being more active in how I do and don't like to be treated. It has worked out well.
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30 - this is a good reminder for me, too. And something I am working on. I apologize so much for MY feelings...and I'm trying to stop doing that. But I find that while my husband is not huge on affirmations (words of affirmation are his lowest love language - he is bit on acts of service...of course, my lowest love language) but I still find that when I thank him for mainly how he treats me, it makes a huge difference. It shows him that I do notice the effort he is making, not just the stuff he does wrong, so to speak. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteJules, I know it is hard when our love languages are opposite. We joke about it some now. The Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus really pointed it out. We always say he is earning gold stars. He will get mad if I do something and he does not get his gold star. He always says he is at a deficit. It is so nice though for years I had to ask him to do anything. Now he takes the lead and just does things. I do say I work to not criticize or correct him how I would do it. It can be hard but I need to let go and validate his effort and work he does even if it is different. Overall it is better communication. Also I know I say it on here all the time but the article in The Atlantic Masters of Love by Gottman talks about turning towards your partner and making bids towards them. My husband really got a lot from the article. I think I took a good level of interest in his life but he took little to no interest in my life good or bad. He basically was like if it does not interest me I don't care what you are doing and even think it is a waste of time like volunteering. Now he sees it in a totally different way. It is a good read and something I circle back to often.
DeleteHopeful 30
DeleteYep everything you just said! Finally my h is asking? What can I do to make today better in everything just like he did when we were before him needing different sex! That said I know others are hurting because they have dumbass h that just don’t get it! Hugs!
I know my husband has been more leaning this direction I think much in part due to his personality and profession. To be honest I always thought even with his detachment etc we were always way better off than any friends I have were/are. Their spouses have always been more checked out and really not nice to them. For me that was a false sense of security. I also thought since we had direct conversations about the idea that other women could find him attractive/approach him and vice versa yet he always denied anything ever happening. In the end I never thought he would lie so directly to my face and thought since I did not have my head in the sand we were okay. However since dday etc he has elevated his involvement. What I like most is he is doing it without asking. Sort of a dream for me. I will take it and cultivate it as much as possible.
DeleteWhy have i never thought of this. It’s getting put into practice starting right now.
ReplyDeleteWe need a "like" button!
ReplyDeleteThis post prompted me to track how many times I say "I'm sorry" and it appears I say it jokingly a lot. In trying to be more present and deliberate in my actions I am able to say "thank you" more. The article Hopeful30 references is a good one and thanks to her earlier in my betrayal life posts she suggested it and provided a link. It is easy to see how the early relationship days of being attentive, kind, thoughtful and considerate of my spouse gave way to the business of children, illness, work, grad school and the ups and downs of life. He handled it one way and I handled it another way. We are much more aligned now than ever before but the Gottman way is a great way to live after betrayal when both parties want to heal and move forward.
ReplyDeleteHere's the set up for what happened last night: we were at a sporting event with a large group of people. Some I know well and some I barely know. None know about my experience with my H. Drinks were free and dinner was supposed to be included, but the meal fell through. So after lots of drinks and no food for me, someone brought up politics (No worries. This is NOT turning into a political post). A man I barely know said this, "I had to vote for Trump because I just could not respect Hillary after forgiving Bill after the whole blue dress thing." At that point instead of asking leading questions and forming a coherent argument, I became a raging lunatic. I cussed, I raised my voice, I may have even spit while talking. I asked how he could make that her shame to carry. I asked how he could give Trump a pass for actually committing adultery, but not Hillary for forgiving it. Next, someone brought up being on a flight and having old flight attendants that had poor customer service skills. I pulled up a ton of Instagram photos of flight attendants who were also swimsuit models. It was awkward and made no sense to them I'm sure because they had no idea. So today I'm trying to be nice to myself and take in the reminder about alcohol on an empty stomach leading you to make an ass of yourself. My H took it well and we had a sober discussion about how my buttons got pushed. I'm sure these acquaintances will think of me as the angry crazy political girl (which is not me at all). I figured you guys would likely understand. Even after all the progress, time, and healing we may all be a few drinks and one comment away from near insanity in public. I'm sure my closer friends who witnessed it and know that's out of character are gonna have some questions.
ReplyDeleteann, Totally understand!! This is honestly why I am not close to any friends still. My closest friends and I are similar in our views but discussions get intense and they have made their feelings known about others in their lives and infidelity. I find it hard though at the gym, volunteering, at kids schools wherever or even watching the news these days to cope with the feelings. I feel like the rhetoric out there does not understand what it is like and the true outcome of infidelity. Society totally still puts the blame on the betrayed spouse especially if the betrayed is the woman and stays. I know my friends would die if they knew I stayed with my husband after what he did for 10 years. It was hard for me to take and has taken three years and honestly it will be work forever for us. I know they would be "nice" to me but deep down I know they would not understand. I am not sure I would have understood if the roles were reversed. I would have been understanding because that is who I am.
DeleteAs far as the drinking on the empty stomach or even in different situations I am much more careful now too. I strongly believe too it is a depressant and is not the best for anyone's mood even without this type of situation. I am so glad your husband and you were able to have a good discussion that to me is the best part of this. Not to be political at all but the number of people that voted for Trump and bash Hilary and say exactly what you mention above I find hard to comprehend. And it is in the news constantly everywhere. Ugh.