This is what took Kimberly, a relative newcomer to our secret sisterhood, to an old post of mine. Seven years old, to be exact. And reading through the comments she came upon something I'd written that struck her as so different from the Elle she read on this site more recently: strong and content. Comfortable with her choices.
This former Elle spoke of wrote this:
I was TERRIFIED of losing the marriage. TERRIFIED of losing my kids. I was so afraid of what I might lose...that I hung on for dear life. And I think I focussed on saving the marriage instead of saving myself. It's in hindsight that I wish I'd actually left, though likely temporarily. I wish I'd given myself the space to truly determine whether this was something I could get past...and gain the courage and confidence to know that I would be okay on my own. I know that now...but I think it took me longer to get there...and here we are still putting our marriage back together.Just as we're lousy predictors of our future selves, we're lousy rememberers of our old selves. I admitted to Kimberly that though I know I wrote those words, I don't think often of those feelings. Reading it woke up some old memories but they feel vague and fuzzy, like a yellowed photograph.
And it drove home a point that I often take issue with: Strip "always" and "never" from your vocabulary.
Admittedly, dealing with infidelity is devastating and it drives us to extremes, including language. We are shattered. We are destroyed. We are devastated. We will never get over this. We will always regret our choice to stay/go. He will never change. We will always be sad.
While those things feel true, I'm here – from your future – to tell you they are not.
I felt them too. I was utterly certain I would never ever, not in a million years, experience joy again. I was positive that I would regret staying and equally positive I would regret leaving.
Infidelity generates our survival instincts – it feels like an existential threat and so we respond in extreme ways.
I did things and said things that, in hindsight, were the ravings and actions of a madwoman. And I was mad. As in crazed.
So, likely, are you.
But here I am, from your future, offering you some perspective. There is no "always" or "never". The only thing life promises us is constant change. That's not to say some choices aren't better than others. It is to say that, particularly during those early days, our choices aren't always made with perspective. They're reactions not responses. They're more about avoiding pain than seeking peace.
That me who was terrified of losing her marriage? She was real. Her feelings were real. But they were transitory. And they were rooted in fear. Notice the language. "Terrified." "Lose." "Hung on for dear life."
I wish I could hug that terrified Elle and assure her that she's going to be just fine. Just as I wish I could hug each of you and assure you of the same thing.
Yes, you're feeling devastated and shattered. That is real. But it won't last. Your body is responding to what feels like a threat to its survival.
The truth is, you have everything you need to care for yourself. You are not dependent on this other person. Even if it feels like you are.
I am not the Elle I was.
I think that when we first find out we are all rooted in fear. I remember kicking my husband out when I found out. And I don't regret doing that. Yeah it was going to be a struggle, especially because I had no job because I lost that day after I found out. I think it made me realize things about myself that I never thought I was capable of doing. So right after I found out I went into the garage on survival mode and started hauling his tools to the front yard to sell them. Just so that I would have grocery money until I got my last pay check. I demanded his debit card so that he couldn't take any money out of the bank even though it was his money that paid the bills. We were paid in cash at this restaurant we worked at, all together, and he was going to have to live off that and she could support him. His state job money was going to come to me to take care of his family. I'm guess I'm lucky that he was gone only one night when he woke up to what he lost. And it didn't come down to actually having to finish carrying out those decisions. I think that the first few months all you can think of is holding things together for everyone else especially your kids. Like always, I put myself last. It took me almost 3 years to put myself first so that I could finally heal. I now find it feels less selfish to do that even though I struggle with it sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI’m not the Elle that I once was! That’s so true of me! I often go back to the first year and reread the advice given by the Elle that I first was given...I can see how far from that ‘mad woman’ I have evolved... I’m still convinced that this is the place that gave me permission to heal myself for my own good... taking the advice and using it took time....many ups and downs but here we are four years later and we still have ups and downs but they are not the same painful type from the beginning...mostly our ups and downs are health related as we continue to grow old...I am probably as healthy now as I can be for a 60 year old woman... I am blessed with insurance for the drs that keep me going... I have learned to be selfish in order to survive the brutal path that betrayal forced me down... I’m not the same but I’m a better me... I’m okay with things that I can’t change or control but I make time for me and I have to allow my h to do the same... he has to take charge of his own health...he’s a grown man...I’m grateful for that old Elle and I am just as thankful for the Elle that has evolved but continues to lead us forward!!
ReplyDelete9 months from D-day... when do you start feeling safe again. My husband is doing all the right things but as the next 3 months approach - I feel like I am falling backwards again. I still feel heart broken and my kids (teens) feel the pain too...
ReplyDeleteWorking towards Happiness
Dear Anom, my heart goes out to you with gorilla glue to put together your broken heart. It is so hard. 9 months is not a very long time to "get over this". You will feel safe when you feel safe. You are normal, your feelings are normal. Sure he wants you to feel safe because his is ashamed of himself. Don't worry about when you will feel safe. You will know it in your heart. It took me 3 years to begin to feel safe, like trust the size of a gnat wing. It grew from there. It is ok if you don't feel safe. You have every reason not to feel safe. I feel safe with myself, not him, not ever again will I be fooled into that comfortable trust. Think about like this, your love is not unconditional anymore, he lost that. In a way you need to feel safe with yourself, who you are, what you want, where you want to go. If you can feel safe about yourself, only then when you are firmly rooted in yourself confidence can you extend that to anyone else.
DeleteI am almost four years out and for me it was the first year. After that it has still been a lot of work. And honestly after I started to feel better I think my husband started to truly process what he had done and the full impact. We are in a really good place but we still discuss it and it will always be part of us and our story. Now we sometimes joke about it but most often it relates to how we move forward, treat each other, treat ourselves and all the decisions we make. There were times though around 18 months where things had felt good and then all of a sudden it was horrible. What I realized was it was starting to feel normal like pre dday since things were good. We keep working through all of the emotions for both of us. We both hate what he did but it has brought us so close together. He said he will never go back to that since for him it felt like he lived in prison. There are times now it still makes me sad and it is still hard. But there is more better and good since we are together.
DeleteAnd the safe comes after watching to see his actions match his words over a long time. My husband has not deviated at all anything related to women. But honestly we/me/he have examined his entire life. It is my belief that based on his decisions he had other areas of his life to clean up. He has always been highly successful career wise but I would say now he is even more focused and successful. But we have examined everything choice of friends, alcohol consumption, helping around the house, helping with the kids everything. For him at least he lived is life an a selfish way in all aspects. Everything he did was a priority. And he admitted that he did not think about us once he left our house ever. He only cared about himself. Well after making changes on his own he has said he is most happy when thinking of others. But this takes work for him. And not that he is doing anything bad at all. But even if he comes home from a long day and is tired now he will offer to help clean or do something with the kids. Where before he would have never done that. He was the breadwinner and in his mind that was enough and he deserved a break. So watching him transform how he lives his life and invests in himself. I honestly trust him close to 100%. Not sure if I will ever get there but pretty close all things considered. Hang in there!
If I had read this many months ago I would have said you're wrong Elle. There is no emerging from this hell. But now, I am starting to see its possible. I'm far from being able to say I am through it, but in this moment I am happy to say I do not feel intense pain as if my heart is torn open and my stomach punched. So that is huge. I recall thinking I would NEVER exist without this intense pain overwhelming every second of every day. If I stayed: pain. If I left: pain. That was all I could see for my future. And here I am, thank goodness feeling slightly okay which is amazing. I know I have so far yet to go, but finally feeling the light on my face. Wishing everyone who is deep in it so much love. You will be okay.
ReplyDeleteThe me of three years ago, who was only two months out from dday 1 and a few days out from finding out that he was back in contact with the OW (very likely the "no contact" lasted one hot minute) would never in a million years have believed that at three years out I would have "failed" to save my marriage, be just over a year being divorced and really, really ok, really feeling good about my life and finally, (deep breathe) finally starting to feel like my life is my own again, defined by me and not defined by a selfish broken person who stole my whole story, past, present and future from me.
ReplyDeleteIt's required me to learn a lot of patience, self-compassion and hard looks at the things I am most afraid of. It's also required me to accept tings and people I can't change, that some of those things have been for my good, even though I could not see or feel or believe that at the time.
And the pain, when and if it shows up, just isn't the same. It's just another part of the whole story, a chapter (maybe) but not the whole book.
So for those of you who are me, three years ago, reeling, traumatized, scared, bleeding out, bewildered and terrified; hang in. One moment at a time. You will get through this. You will be OK. In time and with lots of deep breaths and new days and starting overs, you will get to a place you won't recognize or foresee, but you'll be amazed at how beautiful the view is.
I so agree with you SS1. There comes a time when you look back and the pain just isn't the same. I had a lot of anger on Dday and now look back wondering if I should have done somethings different. I can't change the past but I can change how I look at being in survival mode. I held on to the guilt of selling off my tools but all I could think about was having food on the table and gas in my car. In time it has gotten better. It's not an all consuming slap in the face as it was the first few years. It's funny how you discover new things about yourselves and take on new interest, somethings come back to you of what you enjoyed before you were married. Or new things that you find yourself enjoying and dday becomes a distant memory
DeleteStill Standing 1
ReplyDeleteYour name says it all! Just remember that ‘you’ didn’t fail to save your marriage, your h failed to be the man you needed! I’m just glad you are able to share your pain while giving hope to the ladies that just landed here! Hugs!
Theresa...May will be 3 years and I have been coming here off and on. But what you just said hit me. I didnt fail my marriage, he failed to be the man I needed!!!
ReplyDeleteThank Theresa, part of the reason the failed was in quotes was because back then, I thought that I was responsible for saving the marriage. Mostly because I had always been responsible for all the emotional labor in the relationship and family. And when things went wrong or weren't to his liking etc etc it was all my fault. He shifted blame to me, and because of how I grew up, I was ready to shoulder the blame. Over time and spending tons of time on this site, I came to understand that it was never all on me, that his cheating was not about me but about him and that I alone did not fail to save our marriage. Rather, he failed to show up, he failed to take responsibility, he failed to deserve the second (and third) chance I gave him. Se when I think about how I "failed" to save my marriage, I am really thinking that ironically. Now I know I opted to save myself, to put myself first. And I'm doing pretty good with that. :)xoxo
ReplyDeleteAmen SS1 Amen.
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