...and fear also comes from reality The reality of your hours at work being cut, women of a certain age - me - having trouble finding full time work, fear comes from being financially bullied, fear comes from not knowing if you'll have enough to pay bills, fear comes from the fact I don't think I can afford to keep my children so for the best for them is to send them to live with their father and his current whore. Fear comes from failure Fear comes from the unknown I fear myself Gabby xo
Oh Gabby, I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. And yes, there's no doubt that there are realities -- that it's harder for older people to find work, that certain industries are being decimated. But I want you to be careful about what you're telling yourself about those realities. Difficult is not the same as impossible. Worrying about not being able to pay the bills is not the same as not being able to pay them. Thinking of yourself as a failure is not the same as being a failure. And so on. Your "fear of the unknown" is at least in part because the story you're telling yourself about what you don't know is a scary one. It's possible that you'll be fine. It's possible that you will figure this out, perhaps with help of a financial planner, banker, friend, whomever. It's the absolute truth that you are NOT a failure but rather someone going through a really difficult time. But again, be mindful of what you're telling yourself. The names you're calling yourself. And finally: May I ask why your husband isn't paying support for the children?
Gabby - in the darkness (2:53 am ... I'm not sure what time it really was when you posted) everything is scary. And when we're scared the mind games start winning.
I know I'm not in the same spot as you Gabby. But I can say I have these same conversations with myself all the time - which is probably why I'm still in this marriage instead of doing what I *think* might be best for me.
But when I was reading your words, Gabby, I was transported back to moments in my past when I found myself in the "financial" fears. 3 unplanned pregnancies. All were at different points in my life - but the 1st was when I was 19, had NO insurance, and worked 2 dead end jobs. Funny - that little man of mine brought his own. We did ok. Fast forward 10 years - 2nd unplanned pregnancy - pushing 30, just finished my degree and had NO job. Again - that spunky man of mine ... he brought his own. Fast forward to my final unplanned pregnancy - the night/days after I discovered my husband's affair. That little man ... he brought more than finances - he brought sanity.
So yes, in the darkness it's extremely terrifying. In the faces of our most precious priorities there is always a fear of not being enough. But Gabby - you are MORE than enough. You are their rock. And if times are tough, they'll stand by you. And it's amazing at what comes when you least expect it.
Don't give up my friend. Fear ... it's so many things ... but it's not reality!
Oh Gabby, I'm just reading this. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I don't have any answers. Elle has said some really important and helpful things. Hang in. Something will shift. And think through all the options. Maybe go and talk to someone who might have a different perspective or ideas. Sometimes its hard to see what else might be done when we are so deep in the hole. I'm sending you love and all the hope I have Gabby, that you will make it through this.
...and fear also comes from reality
ReplyDeleteThe reality of your hours at work being cut, women of a certain age - me - having trouble finding full time work,
fear comes from being financially bullied,
fear comes from not knowing if you'll have enough to pay bills,
fear comes from the fact I don't think I can afford to keep my children so for the best for them is to send them to live with their father and his current whore.
Fear comes from failure
Fear comes from the unknown
I fear myself
Gabby xo
Oh Gabby,
DeleteI'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. And yes, there's no doubt that there are realities -- that it's harder for older people to find work, that certain industries are being decimated.
But I want you to be careful about what you're telling yourself about those realities. Difficult is not the same as impossible. Worrying about not being able to pay the bills is not the same as not being able to pay them. Thinking of yourself as a failure is not the same as being a failure. And so on.
Your "fear of the unknown" is at least in part because the story you're telling yourself about what you don't know is a scary one. It's possible that you'll be fine. It's possible that you will figure this out, perhaps with help of a financial planner, banker, friend, whomever. It's the absolute truth that you are NOT a failure but rather someone going through a really difficult time. But again, be mindful of what you're telling yourself. The names you're calling yourself.
And finally: May I ask why your husband isn't paying support for the children?
Gabby - in the darkness (2:53 am ... I'm not sure what time it really was when you posted) everything is scary. And when we're scared the mind games start winning.
DeleteI know I'm not in the same spot as you Gabby. But I can say I have these same conversations with myself all the time - which is probably why I'm still in this marriage instead of doing what I *think* might be best for me.
But when I was reading your words, Gabby, I was transported back to moments in my past when I found myself in the "financial" fears. 3 unplanned pregnancies. All were at different points in my life - but the 1st was when I was 19, had NO insurance, and worked 2 dead end jobs. Funny - that little man of mine brought his own. We did ok. Fast forward 10 years - 2nd unplanned pregnancy - pushing 30, just finished my degree and had NO job. Again - that spunky man of mine ... he brought his own. Fast forward to my final unplanned pregnancy - the night/days after I discovered my husband's affair. That little man ... he brought more than finances - he brought sanity.
So yes, in the darkness it's extremely terrifying. In the faces of our most precious priorities there is always a fear of not being enough. But Gabby - you are MORE than enough. You are their rock. And if times are tough, they'll stand by you. And it's amazing at what comes when you least expect it.
Don't give up my friend. Fear ... it's so many things ... but it's not reality!
Oh Gabby, I'm just reading this. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I don't have any answers. Elle has said some really important and helpful things. Hang in. Something will shift. And think through all the options. Maybe go and talk to someone who might have a different perspective or ideas. Sometimes its hard to see what else might be done when we are so deep in the hole. I'm sending you love and all the hope I have Gabby, that you will make it through this.
ReplyDelete