Never take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask for advice.
~Matt Haig
I went for a run this weekend with a couple I've known a long time. Many years ago, she discovered he was cheating. He was a military vet, returned from a couple of tours in Afghanistan. She was so glad he was home safe. Until...
Until she found the e-mails. Until he told her about the Other Woman. Until she began to wonder just how this stranger was that looked like her husband but certainly wasn't acting like him. She reached out to me.
To see this couple now, you would never imagine the hell they went through. The sexual addiction counselling, the couples counselling, the fights, the tears, the separation. They laugh together more than anyone I know. They adore each other. She has seen his darkness and loved him anyway. He has faced that darkness and brought light. They both know they are stronger for what they've endured.
I walk a fine line on this site. Though I make it clear that marriages can survive infidelity, I don't tell anyone that they should remain a marriage they don't want to be in. I make it clear that we often don't make our best decisions in the early days following discovery of a partner's infidelity but I don't tell anyone that they must stay, or they must go. There is the occasional exception. When I sense abuse, I call it out.
Occasionally, I get called an affair apologist. I am not. Remaining in a marriage with a partner who cheated should never, in any way, be confused with condoning infidelity, or somehow accepting it. We can accept his remorse while never agreeing to stay should it happen again.
Once or twice, someone has returned to this site and suggested that they stayed because I told them to and they now regret that decision. But I don't tell people to stay and I don't tell them to leave. I tell them to make their own choices. I have pointed out, in my response, that I never told them what I thought they should do. I reminded them that this is their life, not mine. That I got to make my own decision based on what was right for me and they get to do the same thing.
It's hard. I know. The voices in our head are loud. Voices that insist we should stay for the kids. Voices that insist we should leave for our self-respect. Voices that whisper that he'll cheat again. Voices that scream that without us, he'll fall apart. The challenge is always to separate those voices from your own deeper voice, our deeper knowing, as Glennon Doyle calls it.
It's damn near impossible in those early days. I sleepwalked through my days and was afraid to close my eyes at night. Up felt down, black felt white. My entire world was shattered. But deep down, I knew that I wanted my family whole, which included my husband. I didn't know if he deserved that. But I knew I did.
And so, despite what seemed like every online resource I found telling me I was an idiot for staying, I stayed nonetheless.
Because that's the thing. The people insisting that there was just one acceptable response to infidelity – kick him out – weren't people I would seek out for advice. Not that "kick him out" is wrong. Just that it was wrong for me. At that moment. I don't seek out people who refuse shades of grey when I want advice. I want considered advice, not kneejerk. I want people who make space for what I want, what's important to me. What's more, I want advice from those who understand that I can change my mind. That what I decide today may not be what feels right a month from now. A year. A decade.
I had a friend respond to my request for her advice by telling me, simply, "I couldn't stay." It was true. But it wasn't helpful. I wasn't asking her what she wanted, I was asking her to help me figure out what I wanted.
And that's what I hope we do here. Help you figure out what you want. Without magical thinking. I hope we help you create what you want within the very real albeit inconvenient understranding that others – such as our unfaithful partners – might not cooperate. That's okay. Let's ask for what we want anyway.
But we can only do that when we learn to listen to ourselves first.
And some of us don’t get that choice to let them stay, or kick them out.
ReplyDeleteThe husband makes the choice - to leave.
Like mine.
I was in such conflict with myself. I wanted him to stay - but I didn’t want him - not as he was - a liar, cheater...
Unfortunately, when I first found out and he admitted to having affairs and sex workers, after a couple of months we separated. I was desperate to keep the family in tact, at this stage more so for the children’s sake. My gut instinct just didn’t feel right about him. He changed for the worst. And I was right. He was still cheating with this skank from work.
( I won’t call them women, because real women don’t interfere with another woman’s marriage)!
So as much as I wanted him to stay for many reasons-I didn’t want him around because he was lying and treating me as nothing. Counselling did absolutely nothing for him, and we tried a few.
So after our first separation when he wanted to return to the family, I put 4 main boundaries in place
1-Stop cheating
2-To go to counselling
3-To be transparent
4-To make me a priority
He promised me he could do all that, so I warily let him back in.
BUT. He never did. So for a few months I tried my hardest to get him to “see the light”
He just didn’t want the responsibility of family commitment that a wife and children bring.
So he left-again-and for a different work skank! —-His first skanks best Friend!
Friggen sick right!
Some husbands don’t want to change and despite the incredible financial hardship I’m now faced with (he’s being a complete ass about really helping me and the kids financially) I’m glad his lying, cheating self is gone. Just like some of us get to choose whether we keep him or not, I choose to not talk with him. I’m lucky my kids are old enough to do that on their own.
But why would I want to talk to someone that is nothing but a liar, cheater and so full of shit? I really hate him. To have been so in love with him, and after all he’s done to betray me AND our children after all the years I’ve supported him and his ungrateful parents, I don’t want anything to do with him. EVER!!
My family and closest girlfriends know what I’ve done to help him and his family and how he’s treated me and they can understand why I’m now like this. And I’m ok with it.
I’m a good person who deserves only good people in my life.
And the best part is - I have my kids with me-he doesn’t want his children living with him permanently. His loss!
Hugs
Gabby xo
Gabby,
DeleteYou are a queen and I'm so sorry that you've had to go through such hell. I'm also glad that you have emerged and can now see that he was dead weight dragging you down. You're absolutely right in that some women don't have that choice of whether to rebuild a marriage or not but, as you point out, they always have the choice about how to respond to their situation, which must always include valuing and respecting yourself.
Excellent! Tuning out the naysayers judging how I live my life has been a challenge. And why? They are not me. They are not my husband. They do not know my needs, wants, or joys . Why did I ever give them head space?
ReplyDeleteNot sure why I ever did too, except that I felt so vulnerable, so confused and so afraid of making the "wrong" choice -- ie. staying in a marriage in which he'd cheat again. But as Glennon Doyle has also said, when we're tooling around on the Internet looking for someone to tell us what to do, it's time to go inward because we already know the answer.
DeleteThank you Elle, that is all so true. I have never felt that pressure on this page at all of oh I should stay because Elle said it will be fine. I love hearing everyone’s advice and there different perspectives on it. I am currently on a roller coaster myself, I think I mentioned earlier that my OH didn’t think we needed therapy and that it would only benefit me... well duh you put that heartache there, so that was a huge red flag for me as he told me everything at the beginning to get me back then when it comes to the crunch he’s like no, now this a swung me into a whirlwind of ok he’s now going back on that what else will he go back on? I am really questioning myself with him now not just that, but I honestly don’t no how to forgive and get past this. It’s shit and tough and sad and just feels lonely at times. Thanks for allowing me to vent
ReplyDeleteBingo,
DeleteI think you hold him to his agreements. He said he'd go. Is he an honest person? Someone who's word is worth something? Then he goes. It's hard when people are telling us who they are and we don't want to see it. I'm sure therapy feels scary to him. Too bad. I'm sure he worries he's going to be revealed as a jerk. Too bad. He told you he'd go. You based a HUGE decision on that promise. Now hold him to it.
I'm on a rollercoaster myself. 7 years ago my husband cheated while I was pregnant with our 3rd child. We separated and almost finalized the divorce papers but decided to give it another shot. Unfortunately we never dealt with it and acted as if nothing ever happened. Things were great for the next couple of years but then he started to go into depressions, drank a lot, acted weird, pushed me and the kids away, got extremely angry over nothing... I was walking on egg shells all the time. When it finally got really bad we decided he needed to take a step back and figure out what was going on with him so for a month he lived with his cousin. He came back and said he would never put us through that again and then a couple of months later he asked for a divorce. I was heart broken! After months of being separated and once again filing for divorce, he came clean and said that over the last 3 years he had cheated on me with 3 different women. We are currently trying to figure out if we can survive this but this time we aren't pretending it didn't happen nor am I letting him just come back. It has been a really rough road and it's no where close to being over.
DeleteAnyone who calls you an affair apologist obviously doesn't read this blog very often. You most definitely are not an affair apologist. People judge every single day and if it makes them feel better to judge me for staying than judge themselves well that's their choice. I know who I am and why I stayed and I can live with my choices. My choices aren't hurting anybody. That's all that matters. Hugs Elle :)
ReplyDeleteTH,
DeleteYep. We're the ones who have to live with our choice.
I’ve scoured and I mean seriously scoured the internet for sites such as yours. There is literally no one who has a more balanced approach. There are either the therapists that claim that Sex addiction is a disease and women should stand by their husbands etc or others such as Chump lady and my latest discovery ‘married to a sex addict’ that so blatantly take the negative/he’s a shit show/he will never change route.
ReplyDeleteSo, affair apologist you are certainly not. You are the person that allows this group of amazing women to give strength to people like us. You are also the person who can say something as beautiful as “ But deep down, I knew that I wanted my family whole, which included my husband. I didn't know if he deserved that. But I knew I did.” And thank you for that! ❤️
Thank-you so much for your kind words, though I'm a bit dismayed that there aren't more sites like this. God knows, we need them.
DeleteBack in March when I experienced the complete and utter collapsing of my life with D-day under a global pandemic while away from all friends and family and unable to even see my therapist, Elle and the BWC warriors literally saved my life and helped me to restore my mental and physical health. I have never ever felt the slightest pressure to feel or be anything other than exactly who and where I am at whatever moment I happened to be in among you all. The community Elle has created is a gift, a balm, and a blessing. You have made space for honesty, authenticity, and raw emotion where little space for such exits in the context of infidelity and the shame and loss of self that comes with it. Whoever would call you an apologist is missing the point entirely. Sharer of personal wisdom? Yes. Inspirational? Yes. Courage-giver? Yes. Space creator? Yes. Willing to call out truly unacceptable harms for what they are? Yes. Apologist? Most certainly not. Thank you Elle and BTW for all you’ve done to carry me when I haven’t had the strength to do so myself and to guide me when lost and lonely on this terribly hard journey. Most importantly, I’ve learned from you all that the real journey is the one back to myself, not away from or to someone else. Here’s to more healing for us all. Mimi
ReplyDeleteOh Mimi! You've brought tears to my eyes. Thank-you for such kind words. It remains a huge (secret) privilege in my life to have been surrounded by and able to offer comfort to the incredible women who come here.
DeleteIt's my 39th birthday today. I used to love my birthday. any holiday really. But its hard to "celebrate" when you just feel like you are constantly living a lie. A lie to family, to my husband, to friends, to co workers. Everything is "good" is what I say. When in reality I wish I'd never been born. I never thought I could feel such a depth of pain. After DDay 1 then 2 then 2.5 (porn) I just don't think I have much left in the tank. I am embarrassed to be seen with him. To run into former coworkers. I avert my eyes to not make contact with them because I don't want to see their pity. I feel like suffocating at home. Unable to breathe, unable to scream and cry and vent. Not allowed to be pessimistic because I just WANT to pick fights and be unhappy according to my husband. Because I "enjoy" being mad or sad. Because happiness is a choice. I really hate that phrase. It doesn't feel like a choice. When I am having a good day, which are few and far between anymore, then something just smacks me upside the face when I am least expecting it. When I can't talk about it with my husband because he is "sick" of hearing about how unhappy I am...(This is what he through in my face the last big blow up, which funny enough was about my birthday). Its ironic that for YEARS his depression was an issue in our marriage that I BEGGED him to see a doctor because he would crawl into this hole for NO reason and take days to be normal again and he would refuse. yet he breaks my heart again and again and I can't be sad because I am choosing to be unhappy. And if I point that out, then he turns it around on me. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I have threatened to leave and he tells me I am ridiculous and to grow up.
ReplyDeleteYou are not ridiculous and it just doesn't make sense that you need to grow up. Many times this site has helped me to just see things more clearly. Some of the days I felt the deepest pain I read on this site and found myself feeling so much less alone. I hear your broken heart. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself. Journeying through this can be very difficult but don't lose hope that you will feel happiness again. Feeling the sadness is important too as you work through your grief.
DeleteTwinsTwice, What he is doing to you is gaslighting. Your feelings are valid. You are the farthest thing from ridiculous. Ridiculous is kicking someone in the face and then telling them the pain they feel is a "choice". (Speaking of which, I suspect there are quite a few of us on this site who would happily line up for the opportunity to kick your husband in the face. Just sayin'...) Do you have a therapist? You need support and you need it fast. I felt like you do. I didn't want to be dead, exactly. But I sure as hell didn't want to be alive. It hurt too much.
DeleteWhat he is doing to you is emotional abuse. Please, please find someone who can remind you of your strength and your resilience and your value.
Also...I wish you the very best things this next year of your life, Twins Twice. But you just might have to fight to create the space so that those best things can show up for you. You might just have to clear out the detritus -- he can either step up and earn his place in your life (ie. become one of those "best things" or, perhaps, it's time for him to pack his bags.
I always thought infidelity would be a deal-breaker for me until it happened. At that moment of discovery, whatever you thought you felt goes right out the window. Parts of me said 'stick to your guns' and walk but, much like her stepping out, I knew my decision would effect far more than just us. At the same time I knew I could not make this type of decision for someone else. Still only 4 months removed from D-DAY I feel out relationship is stronger than before but there are still dark pits of sadness and the constant work to rebuild trust. The pain and fear I deal with daily is at times unbearable but, I know the light at the end of this tunnel will be glorious. And I alone am choosing to put in the work to re-connect. Not because I don't want to hurt the kids or because she wants me to stay. Success or failure will be a result of my choice stick around.
ReplyDeleteUnknown, That was my experience (except for the trusting it would be glorious. That came later). Kudos to you for knowing who you are and what you want and working hard to make it happen!
DeleteOne of the things that always made this place safe for me, was the absence of judgement about choices to stay or go. There were no chumps here, just people trying to find their way through. The one choice you encouraged us to make, over and over, was choose ourselves. When we start living for ourselves, when we finally get selfish in a good way, everything shifts. I learned that here.
ReplyDeleteI learned it right alongside everyone here. But when I did finally learn, you're right. Everything shifts. When we center ourselves as someone to value and respect, choices become easier because, in many cases, they're not choices at all. It's clear.
Delete"Deep down, I knew that I wanted my family whole, which included my husband. I didn't know if he deserved that. But I knew I did." I love this. It resonates.
ReplyDelete☺️
DeletePart 1
ReplyDeleteHi Elle
I have been reading a lot on your blog and it has helped me a great deal so far. So, first of all, I would like to give you a big thank you for your commitment and dedication. I can sense the love in your work.
My husband had an affair after us having been married for more than ten years. We have three kids. Pretty from the beginning (D-Day was around 6 months ago) he has committed himself to the marriage and to doing all the work necessary. We have been talking endlessly, going to marriage counselling and each of us to individual counselling. I learn from your site that people manage to heal after an affair. I am doing quite well (not great), but the sadness doesn’t seem to wear off. I never thought (intellectually) that his affair was my fault, I told him from the beginning his behavior would qualify him, not me. However, I still struggle to understand why someone I thought was a decent person is capable of such a deceit (while the affair lasted only for a short time, he did intentionally lie to me during this time, even if I suspected it and begged him – for the sake of our family – to be honest with me, which he wasn’t). Now, again, I understand from a lot of things I read on your and on other sites, that men do not think about their spouse while they have an affair. They do not intend to hurt us, we are just collateral damage and all they think is about themselves and how they can handle their own hurt. That’s actually pretty much how my husband told me it was for him. (I still don’t really get that – I mean I can understand he was not thinking of me while having sex with her. But when he was talking to me, looking me in the eyes and telling me he wanted to “assure me there was really no one else in order for me not to panic”, I was standing directly in front of him and he was bluntly lying to me. It would have been impossible for him NOT to think of me while talking to me, right?)
But anyhow, here is the thing: Even when I understand what he is trying to tell me, that he made the bad choices because of his own hurt, I still think, even in his shoes, I would have chosen otherwise. I am by no means free from fault, but I still don’t believe that this could happen to anyone given certain circumstances. I just don’t believe that, because it is nothing that “happens” to us, like a headache, it is a free, intentional choice. Additionally, it is a choice which involves a lot of hurdles that have to be overcome (you have to make a lot of decisions until you are intimate with someone, it doesn’t just happen “normally”, like talking to someone or even developing feelings for someone). So, if I do believe that this could actually not “happen to anyone”, I must also believe that there are still people out there that would never do that (even when depressed and hurt and struggling with life issues). Again, I don’t want to pat my shoulder, but I actually do believe I would never do that. Not even now, that I have really been hurting and depressed for many months.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteSo, what haunts me from time to time is the blame I put on myself for choosing this man to build a life and a family with. And I want to keep this family going, I have no interest in leaving the marriage, particularly since my husband has really changed and is completely committed to our healing and to putting his energy in this marriage now. Still, I have difficulties loving him, while keeping this attitude of categories (that some people do this under certain circumstances, while other people would never do it no matter what the circumstances). But in my heart of heart (and after months of talking, reading and working on myself) I know that I can’t let go of this notion that this only “happens” to certain people (and that it is NOT something very human, which could happen to anyone). I mean: You JUST DON’T DO certain things. Full stop. That’s how I was raised. And now, how I am supposed to love someone who doesn’t belong to the right “category”? I mean, it was completely clear to me for all the years we were together that he would be in “my” category (i.e. that he would do that under no circumstances). Even when he lied to me and was having sex with her, I still believed him, because it was absolutely unconceivable to me that he would do such a thing. And I would have never married him had I known he would be capable of deception and infidelity. I know this may seem childish to you, putting people into “categories”. But the only thing I try to do is to stay very close to what I actually think and believe. And though I have been trying very hard, I can’t seem to be able to get rid of this thinking. Doing this would seem like betraying me all over again (this time through my own actions). But then, as long as I keep the “categories” thinking, it is very difficult to feel and express love towards my husband. He kind of fell off my expectations.
I don’t know if this makes sense, and I also struggle with the language, since I am not native. My question actually is: While understanding that he made the bad choices in a state of hurt and depression, I still think I would have behaved otherwise in his shoes. As long as I believe that only certain people behave like my husband did, I also think that there are still people (even men) out there who would never behave like that. As long as I think there are men out there who wouldn’t behave like that, I struggle with the question why I didn’t chose one of these men instead of my husband to build a life with. I mean, didn’t I deserve such a good, decent, loving man? You know, I wanted to make sure this never happens to me. And up until D-Day I was sure this would never happen to me. And now I feel like I have to live for the rest of my life with the bad choices I made. How will I ever be able to love him while engaging in this thinking pattern? I am sorry for not being coherent or clear. I have been thinking so much over all this stuff and still seem not to be able to get out of the fog.
Love and hugs to everyone reading this blog. I suppose it is not out of a position of happiness, which I am sorry for.
Best, Dora
Dora,
DeleteWhat you're writing makes perfect sense and it was exactly how I felt. Like I was making do with someone morally inferior, which violated what I wanted for myself and my children.
But here's what I've figured out since then. I don't know how I might have made choices if I had lived my husband's life. In my husband's case, he grew up in a very oppressive home -- lots of judgement, lots of control, very little room for children to become who they were rather than who their parents wanted them to be. Some physical abuse, certainly emotional coldness. My husband's response, especially after his father passed away relatively young, was to comfort himself with sex, essentially medicate his feelings. He had no tools to just feel his feelings and trust in his ability to manage them so he avoided them. Lots and LOTS of people do this in various ways -- by overshopping, by drinking/drugs, by excessive TV watching -- anything to just avoid feeling things that are uncomfortable. Loneliness, our mortality, loss, grief, fear of missing out, etc.
I, too, grew up in a dysfunctional home -- certainly more dysfunctional at least on the surface. Addiction, neglect, etc. Did I cheat on my husband? Nope. But I had worked through so much of my own stuff. I had made a conscious decision, when I decided to get married, to remain faithful. I HAD DONE THE WORK. So I brought skills into our marriage that my husband didn't have. But I also brought enough of my own dysfunction to not really recognize the ways in which my husband remained dysfunctional.
None of this is an excuse. You're right in that people have the choice to cheat or not. What I am saying is that good people can make horrible choices. Good people can start to believe their own stories (nobody understands me, my life is meaningless, I deserve to be happy, etc. etc.).
So what I've concluded is this: We all screw up in various ways, some worse than others. But we all have the opportunity to make it right and that's where we separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. The brave from the less brave. The brave step up and seek help. They want to know how they allowed themselves to violate their own moral code. They want to become better.
Do we have to stay in a marriage with someone who's stepped up? Absolutely not. We get to make our own choices, just like they did. I chose to stay, however. I chose to wait and see if he did the work.
And he did. He's as disgusted by his own behaviour as I am. He has told me, clearly, that he never wants to be that guy again. Which is good, because neither do I.
I don't think I'll ever understand how my husband did what he did with so little regard for his family. My brain doesn't work like that. His does. He continues to be able to compartmentalize in ways that he learned as a child and that I just don't do. (I've seen it as we've struggled with our daughter's mental health challenges. He can just...turn the feelings off when they feel too big. I can't.) But I can accept that the person he was hurting as much as anyone was himself. And when I can extend that compassion to him -- that he was also damaged by his own awful choices -- I can begin to release my desire to see him somehow punished for what he did.
This isn't about you, bizarrely enough. Of course, you deserved someone loyal and honest. We all do. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. He found someone as bad as himself to cheat with.
When you begin thinking that way, it really comes down to: Do I want to stay in this marriage (in which case, you're going to have to find a way to move past those thoughts) or do I want to leave. I don't think you can stay if you continue to believe him somehow unworthy of your love.
Dora, I am experiencing the exact same thing right now. 2.5 years since dday. I totally understand this perspective of the categories. I keep wondering how I would keep my resolve in the future should a "would never do that no matter what the circumstances" type comes along. And feel like I shouldn't feel like this because what does that say about my relationship with my H? Where's the level playing field? How can we ever be equal when you assumed they were in your category and found that they weren't!?
DeleteElle, thank you, I so needed to read your response to Dora's post. Very helpful:)
DeleteUnknown,
Deletethanks for sharing your story. It’s the same here: Should I meet someone who would make me feel safe again, I think I would be very tempted. But the thing is, up until D-Day I would have put my hand into the fire (do you say so in English as well?) for my husband, that he would never do this no matter what the circumstances. The main reason for me to choose him as the person to build a family with was that I considered him completely reliable. So, what difference would it make today, if I met someone I again considered completely reliable? Would that be different from the first time with my husband? I don’t know. Besides, you are absolutely right, it’s not very encouraging to think those things with regard to your husband. You say your D-Day is two-and-a-half years ago. Did you think in those “categories” right from the beginning? Did you try to overcome it and if yes, how? Would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
Best, Dora
Hi Elle, thanks a lot, I really appreciate your taking the time to answer so considerately and thoughtfully. What you say rings a lot of bells. My husband, too, grew up in a dysfunctional family. His father cheated on his mother. My husband never felt the negative feelings but drowned them in alcohol. He is sober since he started counselling after the affair. I understand or at least try to imagine the state of hurt he was in for many years. Sometimes that works well and I can empathize with him. On other occasions I return to the "how-could-he-ever-do-this" thinking pattern. In the end it's up to me, you are completely right. For the moment there is no reason for me to leave. I will stay and evaluate. However, I still mourn the loss of the live I had before with the (naive) certainty to have found the person to spend my life with. This certainty is gone. But then, I would like to be patient and try to give me some more time. I have had days and weeks in the last months when my love and empathy were stronger than my fear and I am sure those days can come back and even become more frequent with time. Thanks again for sharing and writing, you already do know that you have helped a lot of people during the years and now you helped me. Many thanks and have a good weekend, Dora
ReplyDeleteDora,
DeleteAffairs and addiction often go hand in hand. And with addiction, there is often such deep self-loathing. And affairs are often about trying to assuage that self-loathing. Your husband's job is to get back in touch with his actual emotions and learn how to express them in healthy ways. It might help you to read some books on co-dependence, or even attend a 12-step group for partners of alcholics. I really bristled at the idea that I was co-dependent and there are parts of that model i continue to resist but there are also parts that really clarified things for me and helped me move forward.
Wow, she and I have the same mindset. I struggle with this too. However, through therapy I have lots of legacy burdens...being a martyr one of them. I think I do feel morally superior to him now and that's not a way to live. I have no idea the kinds of things I will face in the future. We would talk all the time throughout our marriage about men we knew cheating on their wives and how pathetic and despicable it is and selfish to destroy a whole family. Well, your husband might have experienced a short stint (and even one night is tragic) but I'm staring down intentional choices for TWO YEARS that he made to be with her and escape his role as husband and father. I think about how I could have been a better wife. Granted, I will NEVER take blame or in anyway, ownership of his disgusting choices to get into an uber back and forth to her place in the city. HE has to live with that. I'm hoping he's like Elle's husband and is disgusted by how he betrayed himself first. He said she was convenient and easy (a co-worker) but there is nothing easy about making plans. I don't like how easy it was for him to lie to my face but he is an EXPERT compartmentalizer. He's a pilot and military. They have to block so many things out to make sure they stay alive. Add in a tragic childhood as well (father shot and killed) with a non-emotional, cold family and there you go. I agree, it's not an excuse and other people high on the ACES scale don't cheat. Ugh...we are we so unfortunate to have married the small percentage?! BUT, I am trying to find the positive. I'll be truthful, it's hard right now (I'm not even a year out) but he now has the tools and skillset to understand the damage he caused and I've seen tears more often than in our 22 years of marriage!! He is real to our three teens and we want to stop the negative cycle and burdens passed on unknowingly through the generations. I'm sure I'll question why I stay with him for quite some time but I see how he wants to be better and I want to support him in that. Maybe when I'm stronger and he's better, we will separate. Maybe we will love each other so much more we will stay together forever. That woman did not deserve the man who was faithful to me for 20 years. She could have the egotistical, POS she got at the time but she did not deserve to take him away from our family. I'm going to try and fight to keep this cheat for now. I'm going to let him work hard to be the best damn husband and father he can be because I deserve it and he knows it. It'll take me years to build back up my self esteem (she is 15 years younger than him, attractive and very successful) but I try to understand that she is really nothing special. Just alone/lonely, pathetic that she was willing to take crumbs from a man who told her he was never leaving his wife and kids. We will see what the future brings but I don't want to have any regrets in trying to work through it. If we can't, it'll end anyway. Best of luck to us all! I don't want to be on high ground but I don't want to be dirty low, I want to be on my own two feet feeling strong with a partner by my side who wants to truly be there.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many wives of military and former military who struggle with this too. And yes, I think that ability to compartmentalize helps them survive in that environment but isn't ultimately a healthy way to have a relationship.
DeleteHere's what I've come to believe. My husband's willingness to face down so much pain and self-loathing and fear was incredibly brave. Lots of people never do that. They just keep making a mess of their lives and blaming other people. It takes a lot of guts to really look at yourself in the mirror when you don't like yourself and agree to keep looking and doing the hard work until you do like yourself. That's real courage. And as I watched my husband do that, I grew to respect him a whole lot.
Anonymous
DeleteI am sorry for the pain you have endured for your husband’s bad choices. I wish you good luck in whatever direction you will take. Since it is still very fresh I believe you have plenty of time to make up your mind. That’s what I also tell myself. I perfectly understand this “feeling superior” thing and I agree that it is no good way to have a healthy relationship. Should you once get over those feelings and thinking patterns I would be very interested to know how that worked for you. In the meantime, take care, Dora
Hi Elle,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I came across your blog. Although my boyfriend and I are not yet married, it was helpful finding a space where others write about their infidelity experiences as well and nobody is judging one another! I just found out my boyfriend was cheating by going through his messages, which included messaging with at least 7 other women and meeting up with a couple of them as well. We had been going through a rough couple months in our relationship, non-stop high intense fights and these were the months that he started to cheat. He's always been perfect to me, up until now. He has never treated me wrong and has always done his best to try his hardest with me. He claimed he never had sex with these women, although he went and drove an hour to go pick one up and she stayed over his place for the night. He claimed he never had sex because he was talking to these other women to fill an emotional void that he was lacking in our relationship. It's hard because he's never done anything wrong, and the mistake that he finally did make..was cheating on me with multiple women. He does seem very remorseful, but I'm not sure what to do. I have not told anyone in my life about this because Im scared of the "well just leave him" comment. It's true, I feel like a lot of time cheating is very black and white to a lot of people. You're seen as weak and low self-esteem if you stay, and if he cheats you SHOULD leave him. My boyfriend's a good person and it's hard to figure out how to handle this situation. I'm glad I came across your blog!
I'm glad you came across this blog too. And yes, nobody else gets to live your life so YOU get to choose how to proceed. I'm not sure if you've set a date for your wedding but I hope it's far enough in the future that you are both able to work through this so that when you both say "I do", it is with clear eyes and hope-rooted-in-reality. Infidelity hurts for a long time, whether the relationship is physical or emotional. Is your boyfriend seeking help to understand why he risked his future marriage for these strangers? He needs help learning to recognize his needs and communicate them or respond to them in a healthy way that doesn't involve deception or risk. I would also encourage you to consider why you're so afraid of what others think. I absolutely know how hard it is to get resistance when we're trying to make tough decisions. But challenge that need for others to approve of your choices. It's your life, Anonymous. I just want you to be sure that you're not keeping this secret in order to avoid hearing your own concerns voiced by others.
DeleteI wish you absolutely all the best and hope that this can be a positive reckoning for both of you -- to better know yourselves and each other and gain skills that will help you on the long road that is marriage. And, of course, don't hesitate to post here and keep reading. You are among women who know what you're going through.