Letter to a Betrayed (and Abandoned) Wife

A BWC member recently posted on one of the Share Your Story pages. She's experiencing what so many of us experience, and she asked a question that so many of us ask: When does the crazy end?

Here's a part of her letter...

I've read so many blogs and boards about giving things time. I know time is the only thing that will work but I feel like I may never heal. I am afraid I am always going to be this new version of myself, the bitter, angry, b**** who is depressed one minute and mad the next. I want my WH to feel the pain I feel, to understand the devastation and loss I feel. He doesn't and I am afraid he never will. I'm afraid there will be no consequences for him- he gets to be happy and move on. Everyone keeps telling me that his day will come, he will regret this, he will someday realize what he is throwing away. But, I don't believe it. I don't think it will ever happen and that makes me mad too. Wouldn't it be nice if all adulterers got what they 'deserve?' If they had to feel the crap we feel?? I like to think it would help me feel a bit better if he had consequences too. I have to deal with the consequences of HIS actions, HIS choices; it would be nice if he had to deal with them too.
I keep praying for strength. I keep praying that God will hear me and see my suffering and bring me out of this darkness. Thanks to everyone else who have shared their stories- it brings me comfort knowing I am not the only one dealing with this and helps me feel a bit 'normal' and not so much like a crazy person. When does the "crazy" end??

...and my response:

Dear "Crazy",

Let me start by telling you how sorry I am for what you're going through. Here you are with two young children and a husband who's suddenly AWOL. Your poor heart has been through the wringer.
You're right that you're having to deal with the fallout from HIS choices. This absolutely isn't fair. And that notion of "fair" was what tripped me up so often in the early days. "But this isn't FAIR," I would scream, night and day. Nothing about betrayal is "fair" so the sooner you can stop obsessing about what you can't control, the sooner you can move on to what you can control, which is yourself.
Yes, you need to give yourself time. This has been a huge shock to your head, your heart...and the practical part of your life (bills, mortgage, how you spend your time...). You need to grieve the loss of the life you thought you had. Anger is a pretty standard emotion for what's happened. But I want you to think about what's behind that anger. Anger, as my therapist often reminded me, is a secondary emotion. It generally masks hurt and fear, and I would guess you're feeling both in spades. The thing is, hurt and fear make us feel vulnerable. Anger makes us feel powerful. It's an illusion though. Anger isn't power. And usually the only person we hurt with anger is ourselves. So exorcise it. Get it out. Punch a pillow, take kickboxing, go for a run, park your car somewhere in the country and scream until you're hoarse. Write a horrible scathing letter to your jerk husband and his icky girlfriend (don't send it).
And then...let it go. Do this as often as you need to. The anger won't disappear. But it will slowly dissipate. It will slowly give way to what's beneath it -- the deep hurt you feel from what you perceive as his rejection of you, and the fear of what's ahead. Both are legitimate emotions that all of us feel post-betrayal. But, I want you to know, you can get through this. We want to help you get through it without turning into a bitter shell of yourself.

Your prayers for strength are working, though you may not be able to see that yet. You are strong. You are upright. You are taking care of your children. That in itself shows Herculean strength. Getting out of bed takes strength. Acknowledge yourself for the strength you're showing. Be kind to yourself. None of this is easy. Acknowledge that right now, just getting by is enough.
Focus on you and take the focus on him and his "new" life. Nothing is as good as it appears on the surface. No matter how it looks on the outside, he has left his wife and his babies. That can't possibly feel good. He has chosen escape rather than facing his issues. Lots of people do, through affairs, addiction, distraction. It seems easier in the short term but will undoubtedly bite him in the ass as time moves on. No matter, that's his problem, not yours.
Figure out what you want going forward. You're going to lose parts of your life that you enjoyed, but you can gain things you never thought of. Make a list of all the things he did that drove you completely crazy...and take a moment of gratitude for no longer having to deal with it. 
I would strongly urge you to find a therapist to help you process your grief and loss and guide you forward.
Your husband won't understand your pain but I assure you he isn't "happy" in the way you think he is. He has to live with himself as a liar and a cheat. If he's the kind of guy who thinks that's okay, then he's NOT the kind of guy you want in your life. He might regret it, he might not. But by the time he figures that out, you'll likely be able to see him for the half-man he is, who runs from his emotions rather than deals with them honestly and with integrity.
As so many of us discover, the karma bus will hit him...but we don't always get to be around to see it happen.
Please know that the darkness doesn't last forever. Begin to pay attention to those tiny slivers of light. The sound of your children's laughter. A friend's kindness. The taste of coffee in the morning. The women here who share your pain and want you to know that you'll get through this, wiser, stronger, more compassionate. That your children will benefit from your strength. That you'll teach them to keep their hearts open but share their hearts only with those who respect them and show them kindness and compassion.
"Crazy" will end the day you recognize that you're just fine. That you've always been fine. That even though you've experienced deep betrayal, you're fine. That even on days you thought you couldn't face on more minute, you're fine.
Him? Not so fine.
I think adulterers, those who never acknowledge or grow from their betrayal, do get what they deserve. Relationships devoid of true commitment. Never knowing the deep satisfaction of fighting through hell and coming out the other side or the peace that comes with integrity and self-respect. They settle for a life of always running – from commitment, from pain, from loss, from themselves. Sounds exhausting to me. Frankly, it sounds crazy.

Elle

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