The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I wore anger like a suit of amor! I felt so much stronger when I was angry, acting out in "crazy town", working to hurt my FWH and the OW. I wore the armor for a year. It made me feel stronger. The deep pain and unprecedented sorrow left me limp and hopeless. The anger made me feel like I was in control. Not so much.The heartache and shock of betrayal are so scary. It's just self preservation to clothe yourself in Anger Armor, but the truth is...you gotta feel it all to be able to deal with it all. What is the saying? You can't get over it or go around it...you gotta go through it. Reaching out to other betrayed spouses that had walked the Road back to Happy before me is how I began to really go THROUGH it. I shed my armor and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Vulnerable doesn't mean defenseless. It just means open to new things. So...To CRAZY: You found a safe place to reach out for support. That is a very brave first step on the Road to Happy. You will be OK. Maybe not for a while, but healing happens. Maybe your next step could be letting go of your armor. You can never hurt them the way they hurt you, Never. Why waste your precious energy trying? Why give them any more of you?
Thanks Shawn. Not that I would wish this on anyone...but I'm glad you're one of "us".Elle
"You can never hurt them the way they hurt you, Never. Why waste your precious energy trying? Why give them any more of you?"Love that. I haven't gone to crazy town but I think part of my brain tries to come up with ways to make them accountable. Make them feel shame or guilt. Make them feel bad about what they did. But it will really pale in comparison. It is fruitless. It is sucking away precious space, even if it is happening on a subconscious level.MBS
Dear crazy......I know exactly how you feel.....except one thing. You are really luckly. What I mean is your pain has ended in a since. Mine refuses to leave but continues to work and see these two woman. Even his family has welcomed them. Mine refuses to leave or break off ties. Consider yourself luckly. I continue to pray even though I haven't any answers or ideas what to do.....I love him but im tired and mad. I constantly have these two women thrown in my face....and yes they know about each other. Sorry to vent but I have no one....and im stuck. Hope u live to see the karma. This site does help thanks elle! Im helpless.....
Helpless,You are not helpless. But you need to help yourself get out of this incredibly cruel situation.I'm not sure if there are cultural/religious barriers to leaving...but can I ask why you're staying with a man who disrespects you so flagrantly? Whose family is toxic to you?How can you love a man who treats you so poorly? Please tell me you love yourself more. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. He clearly can't do that...but you can do it for yourself.Elle
I know you think I'm crazy but he is a good man to everyone else. All the people in town love him but they also know whats was going on. He refuses to talk about it tells me to get over it and he refuses to leave. If I leave and our child doesn't go with me I stand the chance of having to pay him child support and alimony. For abandonment. Both woman divorced their husbands for my husband. I saw the texts where he promised to be with them. The key is the first one has done this before so she knew how to get by and the second is very knowledgeable about the law. When I finally told my family what was going on they had a fit and want nothing to do with him or his family. I believes are I love him and he is making a big mistake. But he has no respect for me I know this. He tells me to get over it and refuses to give me any clarity or to talk about it. He says nothing has happened. I know for a fact that it has. It feels like I can't get out of this cycle everywhere I turn there they are getting closer to my child and husband. Im sorry to unload especially on someone elses troubles. But I see all of these who their husband left and took their garbage with them......mine says I don't deserve half. So he refuses to leave.
Anon,It doesn't matter if he's a good man to everyone else. If he can't be good to you, then he's poison to you. Peanuts are fine for me to eat, but they can kill some people. Don't get hung up on whether he's a "good man" too others. Ask yourself whether he's allowing you to be your best self and live your best life or whether he's pulling you down.Please talk with a lawyer and get absolutely clear on what your rights are. If you have any way to get copies of his texts or take photos of them, please do.Don't ever apologize to us for "unloading your troubles." That's what this site is for -- it's why we're all here. To help each other through the worst pain of our lives. You are a prisoner to this man's toxic whims. But you don't have to be. Please show your child what self-respect looks like. Show your child that nobody gets to disrespect their mother. Please. You deserve so much more than this.Elle
Thanks. ...I have talked to a lawyer. The proof I had is not enough and if I file I would have to leave. And ig my child doesnt go with I could lose them. And pay. If I file without proof I would have to leave.....not fair. I have no where to go. He does..... the proof I have is too old now. But I cant get those images out of my mind. Him saying he lives her and promises to be with them. I almost wish I didnt know. But the people who knew it was going in just came to me and told me but didnt want to get involved and then i would ask him he would demand who said something and then he would go and tell them to mind their own business. And it would be my fault that I didnt keep my mouth shut. He hides his phone and at one time had two. He goes through my phone.....which I dont mind cause im not hiding anything. But he wont put his down for one second. Its crazy. He did say he broke it off.....but there is nothing going on.....but if someone had promised to be with me and I divorced my husband ....and then he decided to stay with his wife. I told him that they would be mad beyond believe. And when they are all together they act like nothing is wrong. Thats why I dont think its over....sorry for babbling.
How old is your child? What makes you think he'd get full custody? In any case, I hate how trapped you're feeling. And how disrespectful he is of you and your feelings. Even getting mad at the people for telling you what he's doing is childish and ridiculous. It's hard to get rid of images once we've seen them. Many women struggle with that. It can help to replace them with something else. One woman pictured a plucked chicken every time she imagined the Other Woman. Eventually she was able to giggle about it. I often imagined a big red STOP sign when my mind would picture things. The key is to try not to give in to the images -- distract yourself even if it's by snapping an elastic on your wrist or something. Anything to pull your mind away from going down that dark hole.As for your phone, he sounds like a bully. You two should have the same rules. Either you both check each other's phones or neither does. And, again, there's absolutely no need to apologize (I'm getting the sense that you apologize for a lot of things that are absolutely NOT your fault and for which you don't need to). Can you get yourself a counsellor? Or get a copy of Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More, a great book for women stuck in relationships with controlling men. You don't need to live like this.Elle
Thanks I will check it out. Our child is 14. And where we live he could get me for abandonment if I left and if our child didnt go he auto gets them. I dont know what to do. Thanks again for listening and keep up the blog. You dont know many you have helped.