“Not every infidelity is a symptom of a problem in a relationship. Sometimes it has to do with other longings that are much more existential. Sometimes you go elsewhere not because you are not liking the one you are with; you are not liking the person you have become.”
~Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, from this NYTimes article
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This is so true. They always say infidelity is a symptom of a problem in the marriage. Every marriage has problems. It's a sign of a problem with the cheater. If there are problems in the marriage u work them out, not look for the answer outside of the marriage.
ReplyDeleteSam
yep.
ReplyDeleteAnd the only way for any of these issues to be resolved--problems in the relationship, not liking yourself, not liking your partner--is for the unfaithful is to look deeply at him/herself. It is also an excellent time for the partner to do the same. Because chances are, we struggle with the same things, we just didn't use cheating as a way to handle our problems. However, it is an opportunity for us to face our own existential crisis and build a better relationship to ourselves and our spouses.
ReplyDelete-MBS
The trickle truth never seems to end in my life, but it is articles like this thwt help me to remember, if it was a problem in my relationship, I was 15 feet away and would have been willing to do my part to change it. I was never asked. I know I have my faults, I know we have our issues, I know that given a chance I would have done my best.
ReplyDeleteSteam,
DeleteI'm glad you know this. But the "trickle truth" is not okay. It's like a steady stream of trauma which means you can never really let your guard down. He needs to come clean. Completely clean.
Elle
I will try hard not to defend him here. He was drinking a lot in the last year when things escalated and his interest in all things on-line and on-stage, crossed the line into real life. Two physical contacts..one of them , an emotional and physical affair with a "pro" who did not even speak the same language (how deep) which I discovered within two months.
ReplyDelete"Good-bye" and " No contact" went into effect without resistance immediately. The problem is he does not remember ALL the ads he placed or answered, to GET to that place (or places) in the first place. All in mostly free skanky online personals. I saw a lot of them immediately on d-day when I found the fake email account and letters and he copped to those, of course.
His intent to have an affair was all over the Internet, but when he deleted that fake email account (immediately and without a fight) along with it went much evidence, plus locations and passwords.
So now, things really ARE so much better, but when I wonder, despite how much his actions have changed, (he quit drinking on D day too) if I might be with the world greatest liar, I will google a slight variation of his fake name, and up pops another ad somewhere deep in the bowels of the Internet on an account we cannot get into and delete. through counseling, reading, communicating and more we are changing our relationship successfully but when another piece of the past comes up, It's another round of PTSD and I have to remind my self, even if somehow I left enough "room" for him to have an affair, I sure as hell did not cause it.
Why? It's constantly in my head. His response is always the same, but hard to believe. We had been apart for 5 months. He was at a federal training facility. During the last couple of months he was moved with a roommate to a co-ed dorm. That's where he met her. She was his neighbor. They became friends and he said she reminded him so much of me and because of that it felt good to be around her. They never crossed the line sober, in fact she was married too and was asking my husband for relationship advice. One night he and his friends were going out and in his words, she somehow invited herself and tagged along. That night a group went back to my husband's room and slowly everyone started leaving but she stayed behind. He said it was never his intention to sleep her, but when she grabbed him and pulled him towards the bed he was relieved she pushed herself away. He said he was drunk and horny so he wasn't going to stop her. The next time he went out, there she was and they danced, got drunk and again a group went back to his room. Again she pulled him close but this time, she didn't stop. She pulled his pants down got naked and laid in his bed waiting. Then he did it. He betrayed me. He says he felt nothing. It was empty. He didn't even enjoy it but he held her in his arms while they because he says he wanted it to be me. After that he went to the bar and again she happened to be there they danced and drank but he says this time, these two other times he drank so much he blacked out. He remebered bits and pieces of the first night and again he slept with her. He doesn't remember the last night at all but I imagine he slept with her again. Why??? If his intention was not to get her in bed, then why? His response, I wanted it to be you so bad that I fantasized she was you. She reminded me of you so much. It is still do hard to believe. Is he feeding me this BS so I'll stay? His answer is always the same. He confessed Jan. 27th. And although we are determined to make our marriage stronger and better than ever, I still don't fully believe him. I don't know if I ever will. How can I forgive him and move on if I have trouble believing him?
ReplyDeleteI finally got my answer to why. I knew the answer all along but somehow if he didn't say it then it wasn't real. If he was not interested in sex then why fuck her three times? Finally I said "Be honest with me and yourself about what your intentions were so that we can move on and I can stop obsessing!" He swore it was never his intention to have sex with her, not at first. I never believed it. I'm not trying to defend him or make excuses but my husband had hit rock bottom. The first three months at the academy was hell. He suffered kidney stones, a stress fracture to his hip and he has asthma. He was going through some intense physical training and never gave up. Despite all his hardships he graduated but felt like a failure because he came out in the bottom of his class. He felt like a disappointment to his father who was at the top of his class, and felt like he had failed me. He failed a portion of his training and had to stay two more months. He hit rock bottom. He became self destructive. He went out drinking heavily every Fri. and Sat. Then he met her. She moved in next door. He said when he saw her he thought she was cute. One day she wore an outfit had hair down and she reminded him of me. He looked at her and she caught him looking. After that she just kept coming around. She invited herself to go out with the guys one night after she claims she got ditched by her friends. My husband drank and danced not just with her but anyone who would dance. He felt good after so many months of feeling pain. The guys went back to his room and they continued to drink. Instead of going to her room she came into his room. She had a few more drinks, turned on some music and again danced with my husband. After a while she grabbed him by his belt hooks and led him to the bedroom. His "friends" instead of kicking her out and telling him to go to sleep, left the room so they could hook up. Then she pushed herself away. He said he was relieved but this was the moment when he realized he could get laid and not even have to ask for it. That night nothing happened. He started stringing her along knowing if he was nice to her he might get laid, and he did. As horrible as it was to hear, I felt weight lifted off my shoulders. Why?? was finally answered. He was selfish. He didn't think of me or is kids and what the consequences would be. He didn't think about her husband and kids. He just wanted to get laid. So now I knew for sure it had nothing to do me or anything I had done. He was being completely selfish and self destructive and so was she. Finally! I finally got my mind back! I wasn't obsessing! I didn't even think about her or the affair for a few days. It felt so good! And I know this sounds weird but I finally felt like I could trust him one day because there are no more lies. I finally feel like we can rebuild our marriage are make it stronger. The good thing about all my obsessing is that I read a few books to help us achieve our goal. The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, Secrets of Happily Married Women and my husband is currently reading Secrets of Happily Married Men all by Scott Holtzman Another very good book is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Although it has been a hard and heartbreaking our journey has also been beautiful. Feeling a passion for each other that was lost. Finding comfort and strength in my betrayer and he in me has showed us both just how much we love and care for each other. He bought a new wedding band and bought a new set for me. I'm still not ready to put it on but he wears his faithfully. He says it is a reminder of his biggest mistake and how he never wants to repeat it. He says we will renew our vows and that's when I think I'll be ready. We still have a long way to go in rebuilding trust and forgiveness but he is doing everything in his power to make it up to me and has made many changes to show me he wants our marriage to work.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got the answers you needed. And I know it seems crazy to anyone who hasn't gone through this. But hearing the truth really is liberating. It's like a wall has finally come down and now you can begin the task of rebuilding.
DeleteElle
I am so happy for you. My husband at some point did blame one of his affairs on our marriage & his depression with his life/job. I was spending all my tome with the kids, we didn't have any alone time, I was always too tired/just not interested in sex. But he also said it was all his fault.
ReplyDeleteThen when I later found out about his first affair he said he was making the ultimate confession-- it was just about sex, his being selfish, wanting more sexual partners. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It occurred while I was pregnant with our 1st child. I read that this is quite a c'mon time for men to have affairs, as a means of escaping what they feel is impending responsibility. My guess is he was thinking this is it. I know that's what he was thinking for the second affair-- this is it, that he life is just about working at all hours in the hospital (he had just gone out & started his own practice).
Yet I still haven't found piece. I told him now I know the affairs weren't about me or deficiencies in our marriage they were about him trying to escape what he felt was deficient in his life.
But I still feel that there is more. I read texts between him & another woman that he says was only sexting but I think they slept together too. I found a sealed condom package in his drawer which was manufactured 1 year after his last affair ended. Where are the other ones from the package? If he was done & she moved away why did he need more? Too much about his story with this one doesn't add up.
When I asked him why he didn't tell me about both affairs (he only told me abt each one as I found out) he said he thought it would be too much for me & that I would leave him. Is 3 worse than 2? If I didn't leave after 1 or 2 am I going to leave after 3? No but I'm sure he won't believe me when I confront him. And it's not just about us breaking up. With each new affair come questions & having to rehash details again & again. But I can't rest til I know everything. He doesn't understand & to be honest I don't know if I do myself.
Sam
Oh Sam...I'm so sorry. I think you need to trust your gut on this one. You're a smart woman with a scientist's mind -- if this isn't adding up it's because some numbers are missing.
DeleteWill your husband agree to a "disclosure" session with a therapist? I ended up deciding not to do one because I felt that I knew enough to determine whether or not I was going to move forward. But it's something that some partners of multiple affairs (especially those with sex addicts) do -- to get all the info they need in one session, with the support of a therapist, so that there isn't this constant dribble of confessions, which retraumatizes with each admission.
Elle