Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Beware the stories we tell ourselves

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past thirteen years, it’s this: Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.~BrenĂ© Brown, "Rising Strong"

I was not an athlete. Though I tried many sports, I excelled at none. I was cut from every team, eventually giving up entirely and accepting that I simply wasn't an athlete.
In my late twenties, however, I decided to run a marathon. I trained, starting with short races and moving up to longer ones. I was never first over the finish line. But I wasn't last.
The day of the marathon, I had a lot of time to think (roughly four hours of time, mostly spent hoping I wasn't going to die). And during that time, it dawned on me that I couldn't be doing what I was doing if I wasn't an "athlete". I realized how much of my life I had spent on the sidelines because I'd accepted that role – the non-athlete role – that was bestowed on me when I was a child.
Maybe you were told that you were the "pretty sister" or the "bad student". That you were "irresponsible" or "flighty". Or that you were "too serious". Maybe you heard that you "weren't an athlete".
We wear those stories like a cloak. Even when that cloak has long stopped fitting us (if it ever did), we continue to support the narrative around it.
And we cloak the people in our lives with similar stories.
"She thinks she's so smart," we say inside our heads about our impatient boss. "He thinks he's better than everybody else," we tell ourselves about our brother-in-law.
Really? Does she really think she's so smart or does she simply lack interpersonal skills? Does he really think he's better than everybody else is quite the opposite true: that he's deeply insecure?
Stories are just that: Stories. Parts might be true...but much is likely conjecture. Most of us are barely aware of our own motivations and behaviour, let alone able to know what's going on in someone else's internal world.

Our culture supports a narrative around betrayal: If we have been cheated on, it must be because we are: lousy in bed, getting old, not thin enough, etc. If he cheated, it must be because: he couldn't resist a sexy Other Woman, he's a total dog who cares for no-one but himself, his wife is a nag. Etcetera.
At first, we buy into the stories. He cheated because we got fat. He cheated because we stopped wanting sex 24/7. He cheated because we got old.
Or, the story that brings most of us to our knees: He cheated because we're not worth being faithful to. We are not worth loving.
Given that our number one question post-betrayal is "why", subscribing to these stories gives us an answer. It hardly matters that it's rarely the right answer. It's the cloak that fits. At least right now.
But, if our spouse is able to be insightful about his choice to cheat, if we're able to peel back the layers and really examine what was happening, we often discover that the cultural narrative (and the one we've often supported ourselves) doesn't fit our situation.
He didn't cheat because we got fat. In fact, he loves our body.
He didn't cheat because we got old. In fact, he's grateful for the chance to grow older with us.
He didn't cheat because we nag. In fact, the OW was a far greater nag than we've ever been.
But as long as we hold onto the long-held stories without challenging them, we don't delve deeper into what's really going on in our marriage – and outside of it. 
A few posts ago, I suggested walking our way out of the trauma of betrayal. I hope you're still doing that (I am...and I feel fantastic!). Now I'm going to suggest that anytime you find yourself agreeing with a long-held (or a newly constructed) story about your marriage, about yourself, about your spouse...you pause and challenge it.
Does he really "always" dismiss your views? Are you really "never" interested in sex? Do your parents "constantly" interfere?
Who we are is constantly changing. It's one of the great things about us that we can adapt and evolve. When we know better, we can do better.
But it starts with challenging the stories we believe.

71 comments:

  1. Elle,

    Yes, yes, yes!!! Exactly!!

    """But, if our spouse is able to be insightful about his choice to cheat, if we're able to peel back the layers and really examine what was happening, we often discover that the cultural narrative (and the one we've often supported ourselves) doesn't fit our situation. """

    This is something I am learning each and every day. There is something deep within HIMSELF's psyche that caused him to self-medicate with other females. (yes, more than one, but one did last 20 years +/-). He will be responsible for finding out what that was - and perhaps then "we" can begin working on a new "us". Did we have a perfect relationship - hell no! Somehow I managed to live through the madness without betraying him -but- I am not him. Yes, I had my own coping mechanisms which mostly involved reading multitudes of novels. This post is right on point for me.

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  2. Elle ... WOW genius penmanship ... truly outdone yourself on this one. An athlete indeed, champion even ... all of us all no matter what stage we are in .. how close or far from dday .. good or bad day ... we are continuing to navigate ...function.... find wholeness again or something close to. Im grateful for this blog and everyone here. Today i feel a little less lonely in a dark hour of hurt.

    Wounded but not broken.

    Ps told my H ... borrowed your line from another post ... slap me with the truth vs kiss me with a lie ... thats some deep shit girlfriend.

    Xo
    overwhelmed

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  3. Thanks Elle I needed this.... I'm going to be 36 that's young to a lot of people, but I was married very young 20 years ago to my one and only sweetheart. So DDay was the day I told myself I was a complete loser. Sure I went from teen wife and mom to an accomplished professional, but I had failed. "I must be a hideous horrible person." It turns out that I'm the exact opposite of how I felt. Still accepting that I'm worthy of love. Real love not the faux I will settle kind. I'm a lot more verbal. I stand up for more and demand true respect, but inside I'm still the broken vase held together by super glue. I'm trying really hard to be what God made me to be. I woman of integrity. One with love, joy and compassion. I've learned when people mistreat us, we shouldn't go to negative habits. We need to look at that hurt and choose something positive to accomplish for ourselves. Then attack that goal full force. There is nothing more rewarding than turning pain into joy inside us. Love you girls tons. You are never alone. God gave us each other to lift up those who need support. Love - Ann from Texas

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    1. I think most of us -- whether betrayed or not -- are broken vases held together with superglue.

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  4. Thank you to the woman who on another blog led me to the cheaters anonymous website. It helps to read the remorse that cheating spouses feel.

    One person wrote this regarding affairs:
    a fairly average person with whom you've probably had steamy sex with fueled by brain chemistry and delusions.
    Been there, done that.
    It helps me to look at the people who do need me and who chose me to be in their life in a complete and fulfilling capacity.

    Thing is, reading this really triggered me:
    what happens if he decides he wants to go the steamy sex route again.
    Also, it's a lot easier to "forgive" or get used to the idea of the affairs when I tell myself the sex was average or just ok or not very good. But to see it as steamy, that's a lot harder to let go of.

    Feeling very sad today that our sex after 20 years of being together and 13 years of marriage is no longer "steamy" and will never be again.

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    1. Sam.... Ok ok I'm gonna just flat out say this... "Steamy" happens when you allow yourself to experience this. You and your husband have every chance for "Steamy" as any new relationship. Don't be hard on yourself you are healing, but I'm proof that steamy can hit all new levels when you get to "that point" in healing. When is that? Happens differently for everybody, but mine was when I allowed "myself" to see that my husband did in fact find me attractive in a way that I can't understand because I'm not a "dude". Funny how I had been do hurt that I couldn't even see what he does when he looks at me. Then I realized that Yes I was betrayed.... Moments were stolen from our relationship that should never have been. But gosh darn it I am not giving one minute more to that garbage... I put the trash out!!!! It's my life I'm living with my husband and my family!!!! Then "Steamy" came back. Love you tons. Tons enough to let you know it's very possible - Ann from Texas

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    2. Id be interested in checking that site out i cant seem to locate again but do recall reading? Please repost here if handy.

      Sam im very early on in this journey i am finding i cant put the book not just friends down ... not always but more likely then most the ow was nothing special ... faceless even ... realling anyone willing and able to ego stroke can fit the bill of mistress. I struggled with comparison why this that ... in the end its how i feel about me inside not to him her whoever ... just me myself and i. Anything secret can intensify an affair it taboo wrong exciting and ill share with you after dday my H slept with her another time and u know what he said although kinky the sex wasnt all he thought it was before dday guess fog lifted? If you wanted to ... and only for this reason ... why cant you and H have steamy sex? Not to be like ow but to bond ... feel good and try and grow thru this mess. Im not sure of your circumstances and hope im not overstepping bounds when suggesting this ... to each there own ... we went thru that hystercial bonding moments. If not ok to but know no matter what ... you are worth something!

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    3. I think "steamy" is misunderstood. Even people in our perfume ads look like they're about to have an orgasm because they smell good. But all that is a fantasy. Just like an affair is really a fantasy. It has less to do with the actual person than the constructed story around that person.
      To achieve true intimacy, which can absolutely be "steamy", we have to be willing to let go of self-consciousness and really just be in the moment. I know from other posts where you've commented about not being the size you were when you and your husband met...and I'm gonna guess that you've got some self-consciousness around that. But I'll bet that what you consider "fat", a zillion men consider voluptuous and juicy and sexy.
      I honestly think the best sex comes from the pleasure we take in our own bodies, as much as our partners. I challenge you to start looking at your body, every time you get out of the shower, and praise it. Focus on whatever makes it beautiful -- soft skin, plenty of curves, whatever. Do NOT start criticizing. Stick to only praise. I'm the same size I was before I started this exercise...but I look at my body in a totally different way. And I feel sexier than I have in a long time. It's all in your head, Sam. You're gorgeous. I know you are. And I know your husband thinks so too. But it gets hard trying to convince someone of that, especially when he's likely focused on his own perceived shortcomings.
      If I'm wrong, ignore my advice. :) But I suspect you can re-introduce "steamy" simply by altering your own appreciation of your body. Which, may I add, is magnificent.

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    4. Sam,
      I struggled with the same thing and I'm still a work in progress in this area. I read a lot about how many men "affair down"; however, my husband had an affair with someone who is thinner than me and who I insist to him is more attractive. He tells me all the time that he loves me, thinks I'm "hot" and loves my body, but I'm still learning to believe it myself. I refuse to let him tell me I'm beautiful because that is one of the things he told her. Add to that the fact that I conjured up this image of the sex between them as being mind-blowing and ran with it in my head. Nevermind how often he tells me that sex between us has been and still is "amazing" because there's a connection that's both physical and emotional And the fact that he says sex between them was "quick and dirty". My image of myself, not his, and my refusal to hear what he is saying are what have bled over into our sex life.
      So a lot of what the other ladies are saying is what I've discovered to be true. Often it's our own mental images or blocks that hold us back. I've talked to my daughter about how being beautiful on the outside means nothing if you are ugly on the inside, but I didn't really believe it myself. Yes, I'm 15 years older than when we met and yes, my body carries the effects of two c-sections and two years of nursing babies, but I'm learning to be ok with that. No, I'm not "skinny" but I never have been and he has always loved my curves. He can compliment me all day long, but until I believe it myself, his words fall on deaf ears. When I can just let go of my insecurities and be in the moment with my husband, it is truly amazing and yes, even "steamy". I think me being comfortable with and, on a rare occasion, even confident in myself just adds to it.
      As I said, I'm still a work in progress, but hopefully just knowing that others are going through it helps.
      Hugs!

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    5. Sam,
      'Steamy' is overrated, give me a chocolate cake Anyday :).

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    6. Hey Dandelion,
      Your value doesn't lie in how you look or how hot sex with you is. Affairing down means the AP is the kind of person with lesser character, internally damaged. It makes me sad when women physically compare themselves unfavorably or favorably to the AP--it doesn't really matter how she looks. We have internalized our value to be based on how hot we are and we judge each other on our looks too--thank you women-hating media.
      Everytime you start to judge your body or appearance, stop yourself. Remind yourself who you are in the inside--if that is what you really believe. Truly, having a good and open heart radiates so much more beauty. Sadly, it is a struggle we all have, and it is hard to recognize our own value when the world around us tells us that we are only important as long as we are skinny and young. Do thing that remind you that you are not a number on a scale or a birthday. Start to look out in the world and see how society objectifies us and sends these harmful messages. Do what you can to counteract them. I am in my 40s now, and I have regained the weight lost from the post infidelity "diet." I am a fairly attractive person who has been told that I am hot and beautiful (even the AP told me that pre-d-day) but not immune to body hating (2 csections and breastfeedings under my belt too). But I am working hard on building a self esteem that will take me into my 50s and beyond when I am going to be even less physically attractive. I look to older women who carry themselves with confidence, pride, and openheartedness--truly sexy women. I want to be there rather than a skinny sexpot. Find those women out there--there are plenty of them young and old.

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  5. Ann from Texas i need to get on your garbage schedule still too new but i gave thought in staying not only bcuz i luv my husband and family but more importantly why am i going to let this define us. I worked damn hard to create this life why lose it all now in that my h has to get his ass out of his head we just had it totally out last week. Im fucking queen bee and ge better start acting like it. Granted he slept w her one last time when he seemef confused we had anothet blow out and it seems the fog had lifted??? He keeps telling me hes a fuckinf idiot feels dum used mind u his affair long term. Yep fucking idiot but hes my idiot no less. Im 3 mo in truckle truth lies and deceit mobey that blows my mind and as niave and dumb as i sometimes feel question obsess about besides this big mistake HUGE before dday i truly thought i was the luckiest girl in the world! I still am spinning from ok days to bad to devastated and i think the numb is wearing off but hurt us setting in ... but im not ready to give up. Time is a motherf! Bit i think we are worth so much more then to not try and this will be one of the hardest things we do. This week he supposedly told me everything us starting to talk openly even initiating some conversation about ow affair our life. And while my gut is on high alert and guarded im trying to navigate this to find the man i married or even better hopful but not blinded. Funny i said to H i want my old life back normalcy h surprisedly responded nit me i don't like who i was. Hes really struggling guilt shame etc as shoukd be but commonly his future is as unstable as mine. .. we can be whatever we want to be. Im not always this positive mondsy was horrid and lonely but todays another day i made it to and so can all if u

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  6. Ann we are around same age ... never in my dreams did i think in my prime i would be knee no elbow deep in bullshit this bullshit ... shoveling hard work but not means drowning. I feel lighter now that H seems involved granted not even full week this could change but im still day by day ... min by min some days and certianly boggled how am i still standing ... well functioning???

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  7. Sam,
    We are early in our new journey. Only 3 months since no contact with ow due to a court order! I have had the hysterical sex and some of it was pretty steamy! However, I finally was able to see such progress this past week! H spent more time looking at me, caressing me with his eyes and for the first time in a very long time, he made LOVE to me and we connected in a way that had been Ours in the past! Those small intimate moments are helping us find our way back to the couple we are meant to be! We still have a long way to heal all the hurts but now we are trying to be more aware of each other's needs not just our sex life, but more importantly our emotional needs! God bless each of our stories and our journey through to true healing and happiness!

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  8. Not why sometimes it seems i sabotage progress. H really opened up to me last night ... today i go over in my head and question something he told me that may have been during a time tgey werent talking??? Or whete they so i asked he said no they werent ok ... now i feel weird but communication is only way right. Sonetimes i wish i didnt sweat small stuff all stuff he told me ... this detail was minute but yurking ... i need to pick and chooice dont want to discourage his honesty. Which i was to sone things he revealed countering or throwing up in his face ... which i know will or can close the door and window. Sighhh but since we are workinf on talking sorting all details i just blurt out .... helping or hurting us ... prob both big sighhhh im impulsive sometimes vs reserved but my inner gut is so on edge understandably. I guess .... venting.

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  9. Well, I just wrote a comment which I lost because somehow I got signed out of Google again. My own fault LOL. In any case, I love the post and I have a story to share, yet I will do it at another time.

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  10. Ann from Texas, I am not certain how you will be getting to Key West… But you will be in my area. I would love to see you, if you would like to. I am not certain how to private message one another on this site?

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    1. Melissa, We can choose a day and an island since we both know the area we can choose a place then it doesn't matter who sees it because they are here in this group too the more there are the better it would be anyway ,) if you wanna try to meet. I don't know how to private message I learned how to post by another poster explaining it ;)

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    2. If you two want to post a comment on this site with your personal e-mails, I won't publish it. I'll just privately e-mail each of you with the other's e-mail. Will that work?

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  11. Tears again! I am 4 years in from D day and 20 from affair. Now going for cancer testing due to infection that laid dormant! That witch was my friend! He loved her and her husband had a myriad of affairs and one night stands! I consoled her! Ugh! Back into the abyss!

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  12. Tears again! I am 4 years in from D day and 20 from affair. Found out I have to go for cancer testing due to infection thAt lay dormant! Ugh! I am faithful! He loved her! Her husband had a myriad of affairs and one night stands! I actually consoled her! I have no words to explain how it feels to be thrown into the abyss again. Ahh! Help! Thought I had come through all of these feelings

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    1. I am so sorry. So very sorry. Is it the HPV? My understanding is that 75% of adults will have that in their lifetime... often times, although a precursor to cancer, the cancer never materializes. My thoughts and prayers ae with you. May it simply be a nasty trigger ... and no cancer. Hugs!

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    2. :(
      All I can send is ((((HUGS)))) I hope your tests come back negative - no cancer. I do know the feeling because HIMSELF just got a hepatitis diagnosis - my test results will be revealed in a few days. Keep as positive as possible - it helps.

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    3. Thank you, Elle, Melissa and SilentScream! This site has saved my emotional health and marriage. Thank you so much! I will soldier on. Gratitude and my husband's honesty are making my path easier. Thank you to BWC for giving so many women a voice! A connection! A lifeline! And hope!

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    4. So glad you found us...and so sorry for what you're going through. You will soldier on but that doesn't mean you can't feel angry and frustrated and hurt for the price you're paying for another's choices. Sending you strength and the hope that it turns out to be a scare and nothing more. Keep us posted.

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    5. SS,
      Hope you get a clean bill of health too! Let us know.

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  13. Completely irrelevant to what was written in this post, but the comments make me want to go to Key West! Probably one of my favorite places in the U.S., just beautiful! ! :-)

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    1. Yes Dandelion... and let's go in the winter :-)

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  14. Dandelion--GIRL, stop!!! I have not seen my H's AP but since he was posting reviews on his sex capades online I saw his description of her--she was "perfect" she was "the one he would be going back for more of") in case you've missed this part, she was also a whore. So I KNOW she was younger, thinner and probably more attractive than me, and you know what? That means NOTHING. I also found one who might as well been a man. What they look like? It means nothing in the long hall.. It means they said yes. It means your husband didn't have the balls to say no. My "proof'? If Elizabeth Hurley, Miss America's and Princess Diana got cheated on--these guys are not looking for someone better looking--just someone different. Go ahead and google Devine Brown and, God forgive me, Camilla. How many men have you seen who are hotter than your husband? And you were not out there trying to get them in bed with you. Ok, there will ALWAYS be hotter, younger, thinner (whatever) women out there. It's not a competition between you and her, it's about your husbands choices when he was in a bad, horrible, selfish mindset.

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  15. MBS and Steam,
    Thank you both so much! Sometimes I need that reminder. I have always struggled with self esteem, so this really brought back a lo of self image issues for me. All things I need to work on. And I truly want to because I want to raise a daughter who is not caught up in believing that her appearance defines her value. If I can't do that for myself, I certainly can't model it for her.
    On the good days, it's clear to me that it wasn't about how "she" looked. IBut on the bad days, all the old issues seem to come to the forefront. My husband and I have discussed it and even he has said it wasn't a comparison. It was two different lives.
    I am most definitely a work in progress, more on the inside than on the outside. Working to regain my confidence in the things I know to be true about me.

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  16. Be careful of the stories we tell ourselves ... true in all aspects of life. Update im 3 mo in .... over past week H and spilled what i believe to be 90% or better of details some of which more then i needed to know. My hurt remains but obsessing is a welcomed lightness now that im not assuming weve went over all records passwords and even i am taking over all financial accounts this is easing though i know if he truly wanted to cheat hed find a way but i think we r on a good path w still up and down days ...ahead that will be some time coming now if only the ow would stop contacting him ... the diff is he is now fwd me everything. Showing me and unbelievably wants to talk about it more then me now ... processing together better for us i think .... wounded but not broken. Thought id share with you girls i hope these continue to be positive steps to heal though i know we r nowhere out of woods ... time... much time ....

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    1. Yep, time indeed.
      It's amazing to me how healing it is to have a partner willing to share the details with you. Sounds bizarre but it shows a willingness to be vulnerable, to reveal the worst of ourselves. Gives us permission to let it go, to trust that it's been examined and lessons have been learned.

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  17. Somehow Anoymous you have to stop contact with ow! Some of them are crazy women who think you are the one in the wrong place. I could not begin to get past the hurt and pain as long as she was able to send text to h even if he shared them with me! These women are trying to break up a relationship they have no part in. The ow in my case tried to give us marriage advice while still exaggerating her relationship with my h even though the truth of it hurt just as bad! Good luck with all you are to face and hugs for the pain you feel!

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  18. Anonymous,
    So glad to hear about the positive things happening for you!
    Wounded, but not broken. That's the absolute truth.

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  19. I told myself the ow was beautiful, younger and better company than me.

    She didn't have to rise early in the morning and care for four children, she didn't have children, and could spend that time on her make up.

    She was 7 years younger than me, I told myself she was so much more attractive than I could ever be...and I told myself this for the early weeks.

    This morning I looked at a picture of her on Facebook. She has a funny squashed nose, and she is much taller and bigger framed than me. She has dark circles under her eyes....huh. Not so perfect.

    And her inner beauty? The one that really counts? That doesn't exist. A person who can destroy a family and risk her own marriage for what essentially was a bunch of texts with a near stranger and one weekend away? There is no inner beauty. I actually pity her, because she has to live with herself and her actions for ever.

    As for me...well, I've come out of this so strong! It's still early days but I feel like I know myself better. I can cope well enough alone. I have work to do, but I'm embracing that work.

    Ladies. It really doesn't matter what the ow was like. YOU are the important one. You really, really are.

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  20. Thanks ladies im still on edge some the lessened obsessing about what it was helps! The ow still have some items which my H was like forget about it keep them however with ow continued attempts to contact makes me considering going to get to be done? Shes in love apparently ... soul mates ... her words and last said its her goal to make me leave. Granted my H did have an encounter w her after dday so sure she thinks he still in the fog or lying about telling me all. Sge tried contacting me sent me letter i responded w cease desist so now she been contacting him stopped for awhile now back.... sighhhh dont know hiw to make it go away. Told him dont respond. Ask 4 ur shit and tell her u r done which he has. Again he doesn't care if she keeps it ... i just think as long as there is anything there will be link ... as far as emotional only time can take care of that ... it was long term affair. This week really was a change and even w her contact. .. he is now showing telling me i stressed even 5 years from now u must always tell me ... no contact being friends wont work ... ow said it could... yeah ok ....trying stay focused on us ... not bullshit ...

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  21. So I've only posted twice before but I read this blog daily if not numerous times a day. My H and I will be four months out from DDay next week. When I first found out, H was willing to be there for me anytime I needed and was sincere but after 3 months of me crying, constantly questioning and bashing him, he can no longer take it. I've made him hate himself and he doesn't think he deserves to be with me and cannot understand how he could hurt me this way. He has asked for space which has been hard for me to accept. I've realized that my bashing has caused a lot of damage. He says he doesn't like who he is and isn't sure our marriage will work now. He's afraid that I will never be able to forgive him and we will live in constant agony and he's afraid he will hurt me again (not cheating but by letting me down in the future). I'm young, 31 yrs old and he's 38. I'm wondering if I should just walk away from our marriage since I feel like him asking for space has just hurt me even more. It feels like abandonment when I most need him but I also realized that putting him down every single day has not helped us with our recovery. He has asked that I just focus on myself and heal. He says that if neither of us takes care of ourselves that it won't work. He said that we need to take a step back in order to move forward. He also said that he feels like he needs to be punished for what he's done to me and thinks he should endure the same pain he's caused me. Has anyone else been through something similar? I've told him that he should go to therapy but he's very reluctant.... It's not easy to get a hard headed person to do something that they really aren't comfortable with. As for me, I'm still hurting and there are still times when I obsess about him and the OW (the cunt as I prefer to call her :) ). But now that I've been left to heal on my own (thank god for my best friends support) I'm wondering if its all really worth it. I get angry when he doesn't give me what I want or need and he says that's selfish and its not all about my feelings (I guess there is some truth in that).

    Lili

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    1. My asshole husband was bashed once a week for 19 months. He endured, he went to therapy, he did whatever I asked him to do. He cried, felt guilt and shame. No he did not feel the pain like he dished out to me. But he just wouldn't let me go, he didn't let go of me ever. Three months sounds pretty quick to give up. Your bashing this early on is not what is driving him to ask for more space. You don't say "we should go to therapy" say "we are going to therapy". It is too early to be making major decisions for either of you. He may not be out of the fog even yet, he may be having withdraw from the OW. i don't think he is being totally honest with himself or you. Just my opinion. Hell, I was still throwing stuff at him at 3 months. (Books, pictures, remotes). You need to figure out if this is how really feels or are there underlying issues and his declarations are avoidance or cover-ups.

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    2. Lili,

      It is worth it. You , Lili, are worth it. Four monthly is still pretty early in the healing process. He is frustrated because he wants this to all go away quickly. Believe it or not, he is probably ashamed and feeling lots of guilt. He is also probably grieving the loss of the affair excitement. He may never admit that grief.

      If you can - see a therapist FOR YOU. If he is willing get into couples therapy. If he won't go -- you go. As Elle tells us - we can only fix ourselves. Make you the best you that you can be. He might see the folly of his actions and join you. ((HUGS))

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    3. Lili
      Im 3mo in and my H went thru these emotions still is to a point. Felt like he wanted to run, killed him to see me sob and also said he deserves to be alone not in my company we just reached a different understanding this week. I know how their words burn like hell and make u feel like u are sinking further into a black whole of fear and hurt hell. I wonder ... do you know all details of affair is there still alot of questions left unsaid? My obsessing was my own personal hell until i felt i had enough info ... i still think about it but processing actual facts is way better then assumed fact and while i talk about my pain dissappointments and hope to not let this define us i try not to rub my H nose in shit for it some days in successful others im not and being levelheaded understanding is hard but if not only for H i do it for me. I didnt like who i was becoming an on edge emotional nut or,so it felt. The more we talk the better it feels even when its something about ow urgghhh i recall a post from another lady saying put urself in his shoes. His pain. You both are going through bullshit and yes bcuz of his actions!!! But it not just his story but ours and i worked to hard for this life we created to let it all go in a snap of a finger ... im still day by day and dont fault u for whatever u choose to do. This is real hard work not for faintes heart but both need to b on board. Dont b so hard on urself if u showered and stumbled thru the day u made it! I too am in my 30s. Some days cant believe wtf this is my life? And other days an grateful for what i have. Day by day sweetie. Day by day. U r lucky to have a friend ... im going at this solo. Go get a pedicure and sun on your face. Im enjoying the book not just friends too. Take care

      Delete
    4. Dont get me wrong im still elbow deep in shit and still have my days of crying. Being angry not feeling like myself ... i feel it all but it will bot crumble me to define me to anything other then what i allow. Im in control even though it doesnt always feel like it.

      Delete
    5. Example im functioning not thriving. I dont sleep well and eat because i have too i think i lost the sensory skill of hunger on dday. Wonder wull it ever come back? I say in wounded not broken. My h finally coming deatailed helped me not obsess im lighter now but still very hurt and learning to navigate a mess i didnt create but must clean up. Its our mess now. I tell my h hes important. We r worth i . Even said u r a fucking idiot becuz of this but hes my fucking idiot.

      Delete
    6. Lili, my h and I are just past four months. I can see where you are coming from. All I can say is I tried to embrace my husband's openness to help me work through all of this. We have had challenges while dealing with it and he has to try hard not to shut down since this is the last thing he wants to do. One thing is I have tired not to be angry or hurt him more. I can see the pain he is feeling from just watching me. He worries about me all day every day. And he is so in tune with me now I don't have to say anything and he can tell something is bothering me. I am trying to embrace this. I see this working through the affair time as the beginning of redefining us. He has as much to work on himself as I do and Us as a couple.

      I guess I thought about what is my end goal. Ideally to see if we can be in a satisfying committed marriage. And how can I work to get that. It is so hard some days. And on some of this I just have to accept it is in the past and ask him for what I need now. I cannot change any of his bad decisions. And it has taken time to realize they did not have anything to do with me but it was his character that allowed him to do it.

      So I guess I would say figure out what you want in the end. And go about getting it. I want a marriage that I deserve and hope it will be with my husband. So I decided I need to face this with as much positive energy as I can. The only promise I made to myself on dday was I was going to give this 100% with no regrets. I knew in the end if I did that then I would be okay. Also I told my husband this past week when he was worried this is too much for me to get over, I said I have to work through this if we stay together or not. Which I believe is true.

      I hope some of this makes sense in all of this mess. It is touch and go moment but for me each day gets better. I still am scared at times and feel like it is too good to be true. Being vulnerable and letting my guard down are so hard for me now. So hard to trust fully again. But I want the most out of life for me, my husband, our marriage and our famuly.

      Delete
    7. Lili,
      I think the Club has given you good advice. I would strongly suggest you get therapy for yourself. Behind anger is hurt and fear. Anger makes us feel strong but it's an illusion. Far better to work through the hurt and fear behind it all -- to really feel it and trust that it won't swallow us. I suspect that once you peel it back and work through it, the anger will dissipate. But it takes time and intention and hard work.
      Whether your husband is willing to give you that time is another story. I agree that four months isn't that long. However, if he feels as if he's being emotionally abused, it can feel like a lifetime. He did something horrible. But that doesn't necessarily mean that HE is horrible. And that's, perhaps, what you need to figure out. Do you hate what he did? Or do you hate him?
      Your answer will determine how to proceed.

      Delete
    8. Well we had a talk yesterday. I asked him if he was pulling away because maybe he missed the ow. He said no (I found out about the affair about 7 months after he told her it could no longer go on). He said he could not handle the stress that was eating him up inside. I also asked that even though he told her it was over and if I had never found out, would it have happened again with her down the road? He said he didn't know but said that he knew what he was doing was wrong and didn't want to continue any longer (they were only friends and slept together about 6 times over 2-1/2 yrs). In a way I'm happy that I know the truth even though it burns like a bitch because its been exposed but I also know that I can't stop him from doing it again (he has said he would not do it to me ever again). He said his major concern is that I will never be able to get past the hurt he has caused me but he also said that maybe he isn't meant to be in a relationship since he's such a solitary person (we have been together for 11 years). He says that if he was capable of cheating on me what other kind of horrible things is he capable of. He's not sure he deserves me and is able to be the husband I need. Because we've had some tuff years and he questioned our relationship he's also wondering if this will work now after the volcano that has erupted but doesn't want to end things and realize he has made a horrible decision. It's really upsetting to know that in the end of this I may not have him in my life anymore. I told him yesterday that 4 months may seem like a long time but in this situation it's still very fresh and raw. In the end I told him that he has a good heart even if he thinks he doesn't and he isn't a monster for what he did as much as it sucks we are going through this. I said that i don't hate him and it feels right when we are together. I told him that all the things he's telling me are hard to hear and that I don't see him bouncing back and wanting to be with me but I did say in the end of our convo that I have hope and he said he did as well but he isn't sugar coating anything and wants me to know about everything that is going through his head so there are no ugly surprises if it doesn't work out. We both say that we don't see ourselves with anyone but each other... He said things are very foggy right now. I thought that was an excellent word and well fitting. I just hope that we can pull through. I'm going to be good to him from now on so he can see that even though he's broken my heart that I'll still be the wife that loves him to the fullest even if he may not deserve it right now. We are sleeping in separate rooms which has only been within the last month but as long as we have been together I always kiss him goodbye in the morning while he's sleeping, so today I went in the guest room and gave him his good morning kiss goodbye because I know they mean something to him. I know it has always been little things like that, that he has always taken to heart.
      Lili

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    9. And quickly as for therapy, I have gone to two sessions but at $125 an hour it was too expensive. My insurance does cover therapy with a psychologist so I found one who does couples therapy and I would only have to pay 20% of the hourly fee. I also told H to really talk to someone that can listen and explain that his feelings are normal. He says he talks to his three friends that know about the affair and they offer advice (one of them recently found out his wife cheated) and he also talks to other people on a hypothetical bases but I told him he needs advice from a professional who can work with him on his feelings. Thanks for all the advice. I won't give up just yet and hope he doesn't either. Our house has also been for sale for the last 2-1/2 years and there has been the possibility of us living apart to make sure this is what we want even before I found out about the ow since things between us weren't the best. We have a visit tomorrow and it always scares me to think that these people may want to buy our house so where does that put us??? I told H today we need some plan of action in case it does happen and he agreed we should discuss. Hugs to all you lovely ladies.

      Lili xxxx

      Delete
    10. Hey Lili,
      Stay focussed on you and your healing and let him focus on his own. In the end, you can't convince someone to be who they're not. He sounds confused. As if his behaviour is determining his character and not the other way around. We behave in ways all the time that run contrary to our values...usually because of deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves that we've tried to hide. That's why it's important to get clear on who we really are and gain insight out behaviours so that we're controlling them and not the other way around.
      However...that's his battle. Yours is to stay clear on keeping yourself sane and healthy and positive. No matter what happens, Lili, you're going to be fine.

      Delete
  22. Enough is enough, challenge yourself everyday, Elle is right. Our stories, infidelity resentment is the cocaine of emotion. It causes our blood to pump and our energy to rise, we feed on this energy source just to get out of bed each day. It is also like cocaine and demands frequently larger and increasing doses. There is a dangerous point where anger and resentment ceases to be an emotion and becomes a driving force. A BS that is bent on revenge, making him hurt moves unknowingly moves further and further away from being able to forgive. Pushes away the husband seeking mercy who truly wants to make a marriage work. To be without anger is to be without a source of energy. This works both ways. My husband's long-term resentments made it easy for him to justify, tell stories with lies and was a driving force in his quest to be soothed by pycho-kindergarten teacher.

    Hatred is a rabid dog that turns on its owner.

    Revenge is a raging fire which consumes the arsonist.

    For me, mercy, a step toward forgiveness, is MY choice that can set them all free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lynn what a great post and beautiful poetic words.

      Sam

      Delete
  23. Lynn Pain,

    Oh my!! That is a seriously powerful post. I want to type more but I can not. I'm moved to tears.

    One day Lynn you will be Lynn Joy and I will be Joyful Scream. IT WILL HAPPEN!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hello all,

    I'd like to pass on a link about love. LOVING OURSELVES. I do not know anything about the author of this article but EVERYTHING she says just makes so much sense.

    http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7899938

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks SS. I'm going to say something though that is in no way personal because I know many many people who read and share Huffington Post content.
      I've included this link but, as a freelance journalist, I make it a point to let everyone know that HUFFINGTON POST DOES NOT PAY ITS WRITERS. They've built an empire on the backs of people who write for "exposure". They've devalued writing and driven down rates, making it incredibly difficult for writers to make a living. For all Arianna's "pro-women" talk, she's done more to hurt freelancers (of whom a great many are women trying to make a living) than just about anyone else.
      I won't actually click on any HuffPo links because I refuse to support such exploitive practices.
      Just so you know... You're all free, of course, to make your own choices.

      Delete
    2. WOW!! Thanks Elle. I had no idea about the HuffPo "scam" for lack of a better word. I've been an advocate for women's issues since my days in nursing school. Actually even before nursing school because my dear departed Mum was a woman's issues advocate back in WW2 when she served in the Army Air Corps - I caught the 'bug' from her. If you can - delete my post. I'm not asking because you responded like this but because now that I know the 'real deal' I completely understand that A. Huffington's organization is not one I wish to promote.

      I will search online for this articles' author to see if I can get a link with the same essay.

      Thanks Elle! Please remove my post.

      Delete
    3. No worries, SS. I'll leave it and let each Club member make the choice herself whether to read it. But I appreciate your support. :)

      Delete
  25. I have recently been added to the list of Betrayed Wives. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I am his second wife. He was married for 10 years to her and they have a child that they adopted. My husband was told that he couldn't have children. My stepson is 10 years old now and we have 3 year old twins (he apparently can have children). I have only recently confirmed I have been suffering from Postpartum Depression since I was pregnant with them. I have my own business and work from home. It became very easy for me not to leave the house, not to take care of myself. I kept telling him that I wanted a divorce and to leave. I didn't need him. On July 2 of this year I told him that again and this time he left and hasn't come back. He was blaming his not coming back on me. All I could do was cry and beg. And then I found the evidence on his Facebook. He had been having an emotional affair for several months with one his clients. And when I kicked him out. She immediately kicked her husband out and filed for divorce. He still comes almost daily to see the twins. My stepson will spend one night with me and the other with him. We have gone on several different outings as a family. And today we had sex. It wasn't tough for me. But he was emotional afterwards and said he shouldn't have done it and doesn't want to give me false hope that he's coming back. He says he has stopped the sexual relationship with her. But I doubt it. She still takes his Crossfit class every day. I wish he would go ahead and file for divorce or something. I refuse to pay for it. I do not want a divorce and I forgiven the affair, I actually understand why. I am having trust issues. I am sure is something that will take a very long time to regain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alanna,
      I hope you're being treated for your depression. It can make the world look so different than what it is.
      What is it you want? If you're truly ready to move on, then divorce seems like the best choice. If, however, you're hoping to reconcile, can you be honest with him?

      Delete
  26. I have something to share not really related to above posts but here goes.

    I was talking to my husband yesterday morning about his work. We were discussing how he doesn't necessarily conform to hospital rules or authority but he does go along with things when he thinks they are the right thing to do. He agreed but then added yes except for one thing...or 2. He wa referring to his 2 sexual affairs.

    I was so happy that he said that. Usually when we discuss him doing the right thing (I think he does the right ethical & moral thing for his patients) I'm thinking in my head but yet he cheated on me where were his morals then. He always says he knew what he was doing was wrong. But this time he vocalized what I would always be thinking.

    I thought AAAAHHHH. He REALLY GETS IT! just that one comment made me feel so good. I felt like he can see things from my perspective, he understands the paradox I've been wrestling with in my mind for 2 years.

    Even though I still don't understand how someone so moral could have done it, I felt so much relief that he was able to articulate what was in my head, & without my having to mention it sarcastically. Maybe that's what we need to heal-- some demonstration by the cheater that he/she can put himself in the shoes of the betrayed. But it goes both ways; I try to put myself in his shoes too, both to understand his motivations at the time as well as to understand what he's feeling post d day (cheaters anonymous site has been a big help with the latter).

    Just one empathetic comment goes such a long way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sam,

      I so agree with you. This was all so out of character for my husband and when he makes comments or insights much like your husband did to you I feel so much better. I feel it physically and mentally. I feel like I can exhale. I totally agree with you too that I will never really understand how someone can do what they did but I do try to look at it from their perspective. There is a john Gottman book about betrayal which helped me a lot. And in that book were a lot of good pieces of information that has helped me in how to express myself and talk with my husband. I sometimes want to say things that would be so hurtful which is no good for us if I want to move forward. But I feel like we have had the best most honest discussions ever in 25 years.

      It is such a painful and challenging journey but so far it is paying off. It is still hard for me and I feel at times like I am still on the roller coaster. But each week gets easier. I think what I had to get to is realizing whatever he does is his choice but I deserve what i want in a marriage. And if he is not the right one no amount of control or wishing he does the right thing will make me happy. I feel like I would rather spend my days alone than that. Luckily he is being patient and working through this with me and our marriage has never been better.

      This weekend at a wedding everyone was saying it seemed like we were on our first date. And so many comments about how connected we seemed. It really was a great time for us both to connect. Weddings have been hard for me over the past four months. I guess I am a little nervous will this "honeymoon" phase end with our post dday marriage? Would love any insights.

      Delete
    2. Sam and Anonymous,
      It's really all we're asking for, isn't it? Acknowledgement that they grasp what they've done...and are grateful for our continued presence in spite of it.

      Delete
    3. This blog has been my salvation and I believe I'm finally on my way to healing. There are so many comments that I could have written myself - I've never experienced such a close connection. I thought what I was thinking, feeling and doing was crazy, obsessive and unreasonable. I now realize that this is not true and everything I've been experiencing is normal and justified. I no longer feel so completely alone. I'm 5 months out from d day. I discovered my spouse's attempt at infidelity just days before his first "meeting" (Ashley Madison experience). I considered my discovery divine intervention. And even though it never went any further, I still consider it cheating and betrayal. I believe my marriage will survive but it has been a rough road and a rollercoaster. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories and your pain. None of us want to be here but here we are and I would be lost without you on this blog. I truly believe I will come out the other side a better and stronger person. I hope we all do. Bless you and stay strong.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous, I'm really glad you found us and that the blog has helped you realize that your response is a perfectly normal response to a crazy situation. You are so NOT alone.

      Delete
  27. Hello all,

    Yesterday evening my doctor called with my test results. My test results for the hepatitis are NEGATIVE !!! HIMSELF did not pass his hepatitis to me.

    Ladies,

    If you have not gotten to the doctor or to the local health clinic -- GO GET TESTED!! Ask to be tested for everything that can be transmitted sexually. I don't care if your spouse/partner told you he always wore condoms. GET TESTED !! Please ladies, please go get tested. If the doctor says, "oh, you are married you don't need any extra testing." Tell the doctor what your spouse/partner has been doing and insist on the testing. There is NO ""SAFE"" sex. There is only ""SAFER" sex. Many diseases can be passed even when a condom IS used. Syphilis for one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      So glad to hear. Another bullet dodged.

      Delete
    2. SilentScream, you post was just the push I needed. I have been putting this off for a few months. I had to go to the dr today for something unrelated and I decided today was the day. I called my husband as I was feeling very low and humiliated by the prospect of having to do this after 15 years with the same person. To his credit, he offered to come to the appointment with me. The nurse practitioner handled it as delicately as you can handle the subject and they were able to test both of us. So now we just wait for results.

      Delete
  28. I'm 42 and I love being this age b/c I now don't GAS what people think about me. They can take it or leave it.

    And you're right, I can remember all the negative things that were said to me.

    They said it takes 9 positive things said to us to help us forget the 1 negative thing.

    I read the books The Blessing and The Five Love Languages and they are great books for learning our to be a positive influence in the lives around us. I grew up in a very negative and critical home and I needed help on how to change that b/c I didn't want to raise my children the same way.

    I'm learning too that there are things I need to work on as well. I think now my hubby and I really tell each other how we feel whereas before his PA, we both held stuff in. I can see some of the problems before the PA that were never dealt with and one was conflict resolution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anne from VA,
      I think a lot of us, once the lid's been blown off our marriages, are able to really take a look and figure out what, besides a cheating husband, was the problem. The result can be a far stronger, healthier marriage.

      Delete
    2. I did tell him this morning that even after a year of separation in our home, I don't really feel like he puts our marriage first.

      He hasn't been to a Celebrate Recovery meeting for four weeks. Nor has he had a book and prayed with me every night. I expect him to make the effort, not me.

      I did tell him I don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. After putting up with 12 years of Porn, there isn't much left.

      I had a good vent and I have a big cry stuck inside me that I need to get out. Crying is the hardest thing for me to do. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and that's hard after being told to be stoic and strong all my life.

      Delete
    3. I wasn't an athelete either in high school. In fact, I graduated by the skin of my teeth.

      It's funny that most of the popular people really didn't amount to much. I remember the couple most likely to marry: he got her pregnant and then dumped her.

      I did however start playing piano at the age of 15 and quickly became advanced in college.

      I still love playing. I've done al little teaching too so I know I can take care of myself financially if I need to.

      Delete
  29. I add to my list another "this is not about you" fact. Ben Affleck whom I adore has seemilty left Jennifer Garner, a raving beauty and mother of his children, for a nanny. A nanny who seemed to have tipped off the paparazzi so they could grab photos of them together. Shameless hussy. I am disgusted with Ben. Disgusted.

    ReplyDelete
  30. The other woman calls me weak because I stay! After 38 years...maybe i am. She claims she is a strong woman...is cheating with a married man strong? I have never been with any other man but my husband...now I feel like st 60 my life was a joke and unrelevent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon. ... its hog wash bullshit dont buy in to anything the ow says ... she wants your life im sure or wants revenge for being second fiddle. Who cares what she thinks anyways ... really .... she has no value in your lif . GHANDI said i refuse to let others walk through my mind with dirty feet. Ignore her. Elle said it best ... hurt people ... hurt people. Its alot harder to stat then leave and a marriage esp of 38 years is alot of work effort and tears. Be kind to yourself. I felt that after dday is all my life fake ... i was there wasnt i ... it wasnt honey bun. I assure you keep your memories .... to trust and love is not naive or week. Its just who we were. Just be you.

      Delete

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