We're looking for stars tonight at an outdoor classic movie in our down town! It's taken a while to get back to doing 'spontaneous' date nights! Not that he hasn't taken me on plenty of planned ones, but when they just pop up out of nowhere, they seem so much more special! I love this blog!
Hi Elle. Would value comments re what has come out of the last 10 months since DDay 2. My H and i split in 2012 but decided to get back together late 2013. He had been in a relationship with a married woman, i knew that but said it was all finished and he moved back into our home. To cut a long story short i found out in March 2014 they were still in contact and was told again it was over then again in July 2015, he was still speaking to her and seeing here every now and then. I at this point asked him to leave and contacted her husband and the relationship ended. What i have been told the reasons for this continued contact is because I never stopped stressing about this woman i never accepted it was finished!!! i drove him to call her and he downloaded all the problems he was having with me (and my family) onto her and like wise she did the same about her husband how much she hated him. Has anyone else been blamed for the continuation of the contact between the H and AP. He says he always loved me but had this need to speak to her all the time. Some ladies have said Why why do this to me?? Can you make any sense of this?
Jilly55, Uh...no. Absolutely not. Do NOT accept blame for any of this. It's the most nonsensical argument I think I've ever heard. You were stressed about her so he was "forced" to stay in touch?? Bullshit. He should have been reassuring you and doing everything he could to ensure you didn't need to stress. A man with any decency would have cut that "stress" out like a cancerous tumor. This has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with two people who don't want to accept responsibility for lying and cheating on the people they vowed to NOT do that.
Jilly55 He is still in contact at all tells that the affair even if only emotional at this point is still an affair! It took my h six months of constant text and phone attempts from his ow I had moments when I screamed at him why the hell do you care about her feelings if you truly want her out of our lives. Apparently his attempts to end the affair prior to her contact with me failed because he kept trying not to hurt her feelings. So when he began to use stronger replies to her text to meet him and he just kept saying leave us alone she became more desperate and began making threats to show up at our door, he went to the police and I think that was the final lift of his affair fog! Until your h cuts contact completely you can't begin to work on your own relationship! I'm so sorry you are living through this! As for blaming you for his inability to end his affair, I'm sorry but that falls strictly on his own weakness! I'm at a loss for advice but I hope for your sake he realizes and soon how close he is to loosing you! I almost drove my h crazy during the first year and sometimes I still have meltdowns. I'm sending hugs for you to get to a better place on your path forward!
I was blamed initially, still am in some ways. My husband said that because I was "forcing" him to end contact, he kept having contact and slept with her again....
It is part of the gaslighting. Check this out: https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-known-about-gaslighting-22234cb5e407#.8d0c9090c
Mbs, thank you for posting that link. I had read that article maybe 6 months ago. It was so enlightening when I read it then but good to revisit now. It was something I had not heard of before. But I fit every one of those points. And it really helped me see things in a new light. As a whole my husband's affairs coming out was almost immediately freeing for me. It was one of the first things I told him early on. I had gotten to the point that he convinced me I was the problem. And it was not outwardly mean, I heard all the time what a good mother I was, how amazing I was but then everything that happened was my fault. It happened over such a long time it was not obvious. But looking back I can see how it evolved. But when this came out I thought it is him he is the one with the problem and not me. What a huge weight it was off my shoulders.
To me this quote made me think about how dark and bad things got but then I was able to see all the good and keep working towards it. Not easy at all but worth it. It is who I am. I keep working and trying and give it my all. I get stronger every day. My husband sees that and it does not go unnoticed.
MBS I read the article from the link you shared and boy did a light go off for me! The article so clearly described the relationship my h ow had with him. She is a true narcissistic gaslighter! She is a trained substance abuse therapist and used every bit of her training to keep my h in the relationship so long! She knew his greatest fear was my finding out about the affair and even though she did contact me with her version of the truth she continued to tell my h how he really feels because their connection was so special and on and on! She even tried to tell me how I should be feeling and I should realize that my marriage was fake and I thought I would go nuts before we got her out of our lives! I plan to share with my h this article and I hope it leads to better understanding of the reasons why he could not end the affair in his own way but was forced to end it with a restraining order! Thanks for the link!
Hi Theresa, It totally makes sense that therapists can have the skills to engage in this behavior. Many people end up as therapist because of their own issues. Many substance abuse therapists are former addicts themselves. To me, infidelity shares alot or its motivations with addiction. Anyway, for me, my healing reached a new point when I stopped trying to focusing on the OW and focused on the ways that my partner has gaslighted me in our relationship and they ways I am easily gaslighted. I also don't tend to think of his behavior as being about morality or being a bad person, but as a terribly troubled person who learned certain coping skills to deal with problems. And when I called him out on his behavior, his instinct was to preserve his sense of self and his version of the story (wife is bad, trying to ruin my fun, hard to please) in order to not feel ashamed. Unlike the move, "Gaslight," he wasn't intentionally doing it but unconsciously doing it. And I am solidly in the category of someone who is easily gaslighted. So I have been focusing on staying true to my self and noticing when I was letting someone else define my truth. That helps me stick to my boundaries. It has also been important that I stop trying to fix my husband while still expecting him to fix himself.
Mbs you said it all so perfectly. I went though all this and learning about it helped me so much. It is that balance between recognizing who I am and falling back into old habits of being gaslighted. But realizing the real truth and I know in general we all try to fix whatever in our lives. That was the big shift for both of us focusing on ourselves and not trying to fix each other. But like you said sticking to the boundaries and even expectations.
MBS I was already to the point of no longer obsessing about the ow but me needing to understand how my h was so easily manipulated I suppose I had to dissect the entire affair with understanding the way it began as well as how long it lasted and why it took so long for it to end! I had to understand her mentality since she struggled with her religion but yet kept coming back to my h for all of her emotional support! I know it sounds crazy but you kinda gave me the missing piece because I didn't see my h as the gaslighter type and I guess I didn't realize that women can do that because I could never see myself being that type of personality! Again I swear I learn so much from this blog and everyone's story! Our pastor tells us every Sunday that everybody has a story and every story counts!
Oh, I get it for sure. I had to figure out the OW. Didn't mean to sound so dismissive. I think I finally began to see both my H and the OW as two peas in a pod of messed up headspace, I got clarity. But that transition takes time and plenty of trying to figure this crap out. I just caution trying to spend too much time figuring out other people's crap and ignoring yourself. I started to find peace, (partly after spending lots of energy trying to figure out his problem for him), so that the who, what, where, why and how didn't matter so much. I can finally focus on myself, who I am, who I want to be, how to keep myself sane (especially since I can easily feel gaslighted), and what my own growth needs to be--the stuff I can control. I think it is important to want to get to that place.
I agree with Elle this is bullshit. He should have no contact with the OW. You certainly are not to blame for this. I also hope that he realizes that he has been given a gift, a second chance with you. Sending you Hugs and strength.
Thank you for the replies. Because i couldn't understand why the A continued i suppose it was easy to blame myself but now i understand i am a good person he is the person with the flaws and moves blame onto me. It isn't until time passes that you begin to get your self worth back and come out your own FOG. I am not putting up with anymore gas lighting, manipulation, controlling behaviour !! Big kisses
Hi all, I wanted to share what's going on for me right now.
Basically on Monday my husband left my youngest child of 3 yrs old at his grandparents house, this is the first time my son had been left there without my husband supervising. At the time his sister and nephew of 12 years old were supposedly looking after my child. To cut a long story short my 3 year old came home and disclosed something that was deeply concerning, thank god he came home and told me and his father. I immediately rang the police and safeguarding unit. Obviously this was a difficult situation for my husband given his nephew had allegedly done or said something appropriate to my child however I did what I did for the protection of my child and would do exactly the same again.
Basically my husband left that night in Monday and hasn't returned he's choosing to live in denial, bury his head, whatever and hadn't been back since. Oh yeah not to mention that he blames me for ringing the police says 'I could have handled it differently' no fucking way could I have handled it differently end of.
After interviewing my child and the other 12 yr old child the police could not take the case any further because the 12 yr old denied any wrong doing and sadly my 3 yr old did not tell the policemen what he told me and his dad. So a very sad situation to be in but I'm taking the positives out of this mess which are that my son told me, I can now keep him save and protect him and I can never let him go to my h grandparents ever again. And Can I add that he's absolutely fine in himself. Me and my 12 yr old son on the other hand are traumatised, not only have we had to deal with a horrendous situation but my h leaves at a time when I need him. What a sad sad man I hope he rots.
I don't want my h back in the house, I believe this was his excuse to leave, I believe from his behaviour these past few months towards me he wanted to go but didn't have the balls. So the sad basterd has waited and used this situation to leave and blame me. the last few months have been awful he's disrespected me, brought me down etc etc and I knew something wasn't right I pretty much know he's back with his ap, but you know what good luck to the silly fucking basterd I hope he rots in hell. The guilt and shame of how he has left his children when they need him the most will surely kill his soul.
My saving grace in all this is that my children are ok I am going to continue to talk through this situation with my 12 yr old as he understands what has gone on and is angry with his dad and what has happened to his little brother. But I'm amazed at how well he is doing and I'm so proud. Ultimately the situation is that his dad has gone he has had phone contact with the children and will clearly want to see them at some point when his head is out of his ass and I'd never stop that however I will never let contact take place at my h parents house. I don't want my children anywhere near his family members.
Surprisingly I'm ok getting through day by day, I'm relieved he is out of the house and I don't want him back in. It's gonna be a long tough road, I just need to stay strong and be there for my boys that's my priority that's all I care about right now.
Sorry it's been long winded I wanted to let my friends here know what I'm going through right now.
Sam, Very sorry that you all had to go through that. Of course you did the right thing. You're a mom and you are absolutely doing the right thing for your child. He already trusts you and knows you will protect him. Hugs!
Wow Sam. My heart goes out to you. Thank God you have your children and they have you. Your husband has walked away from a tremendously caring and compassionate partner - it is his loss; and from the sound of things ... your gain. Come on over ... we'll go to the beach and walk and chat and walk and chat. Peace&Light my Dear
Thankyou, piper, Melissa,mbs, your words are my security blanket and confirmation I'm doing the right thing and I'll be just fine. When it comes to the children no one but no one will ever stand in my way of protecting them. Love you ladies lots. Xxx
So sorry you are having to go through all of this. After going through learning of betrayal it can all be so hard. But I have become more aware and less likely to go along with things and accept them. Your children are so lucky they have you. You did the right thing and listened to your child and protected them. In the end we know what is right for us and it is trusting ourselves and that gut feeling. Thinking of you!
We're looking for stars tonight at an outdoor classic movie in our down town! It's taken a while to get back to doing 'spontaneous' date nights! Not that he hasn't taken me on plenty of planned ones, but when they just pop up out of nowhere, they seem so much more special! I love this blog!
ReplyDeleteOh... I love that. Sounds amazing.
DeleteHi Elle. Would value comments re what has come out of the last 10 months since DDay 2. My H and i split in 2012 but decided to get back together late 2013. He had been in a relationship with a married woman, i knew that but said it was all finished and he moved back into our home. To cut a long story short i found out in March 2014 they were still in contact and was told again it was over then again in July 2015, he was still speaking to her and seeing here every now and then. I at this point asked him to leave and contacted her husband and the relationship ended. What i have been told the reasons for this continued contact is because I never stopped stressing about this woman i never accepted it was finished!!! i drove him to call her and he downloaded all the problems he was having with me (and my family) onto her and like wise she did the same about her husband how much she hated him. Has anyone else been blamed for the continuation of the contact between the H and AP. He says he always loved me but had this need to speak to her all the time. Some ladies have said Why why do this to me?? Can you make any sense of this?
ReplyDeleteJilly55,
DeleteUh...no. Absolutely not. Do NOT accept blame for any of this. It's the most nonsensical argument I think I've ever heard. You were stressed about her so he was "forced" to stay in touch?? Bullshit. He should have been reassuring you and doing everything he could to ensure you didn't need to stress. A man with any decency would have cut that "stress" out like a cancerous tumor.
This has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with two people who don't want to accept responsibility for lying and cheating on the people they vowed to NOT do that.
Jilly55
DeleteHe is still in contact at all tells that the affair even if only emotional at this point is still an affair! It took my h six months of constant text and phone attempts from his ow I had moments when I screamed at him why the hell do you care about her feelings if you truly want her out of our lives. Apparently his attempts to end the affair prior to her contact with me failed because he kept trying not to hurt her feelings. So when he began to use stronger replies to her text to meet him and he just kept saying leave us alone she became more desperate and began making threats to show up at our door, he went to the police and I think that was the final lift of his affair fog! Until your h cuts contact completely you can't begin to work on your own relationship! I'm so sorry you are living through this! As for blaming you for his inability to end his affair, I'm sorry but that falls strictly on his own weakness! I'm at a loss for advice but I hope for your sake he realizes and soon how close he is to loosing you! I almost drove my h crazy during the first year and sometimes I still have meltdowns. I'm sending hugs for you to get to a better place on your path forward!
I was blamed initially, still am in some ways.
DeleteMy husband said that because I was "forcing" him to end contact, he kept having contact and slept with her again....
It is part of the gaslighting. Check this out: https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-known-about-gaslighting-22234cb5e407#.8d0c9090c
Mbs, thank you for posting that link. I had read that article maybe 6 months ago. It was so enlightening when I read it then but good to revisit now. It was something I had not heard of before. But I fit every one of those points. And it really helped me see things in a new light. As a whole my husband's affairs coming out was almost immediately freeing for me. It was one of the first things I told him early on. I had gotten to the point that he convinced me I was the problem. And it was not outwardly mean, I heard all the time what a good mother I was, how amazing I was but then everything that happened was my fault. It happened over such a long time it was not obvious. But looking back I can see how it evolved. But when this came out I thought it is him he is the one with the problem and not me. What a huge weight it was off my shoulders.
DeleteTo me this quote made me think about how dark and bad things got but then I was able to see all the good and keep working towards it. Not easy at all but worth it. It is who I am. I keep working and trying and give it my all. I get stronger every day. My husband sees that and it does not go unnoticed.
MBS
DeleteI read the article from the link you shared and boy did a light go off for me! The article so clearly described the relationship my h ow had with him. She is a true narcissistic gaslighter! She is a trained substance abuse therapist and used every bit of her training to keep my h in the relationship so long! She knew his greatest fear was my finding out about the affair and even though she did contact me with her version of the truth she continued to tell my h how he really feels because their connection was so special and on and on! She even tried to tell me how I should be feeling and I should realize that my marriage was fake and I thought I would go nuts before we got her out of our lives! I plan to share with my h this article and I hope it leads to better understanding of the reasons why he could not end the affair in his own way but was forced to end it with a restraining order! Thanks for the link!
Hi Theresa,
DeleteIt totally makes sense that therapists can have the skills to engage in this behavior. Many people end up as therapist because of their own issues. Many substance abuse therapists are former addicts themselves. To me, infidelity shares alot or its motivations with addiction. Anyway, for me, my healing reached a new point when I stopped trying to focusing on the OW and focused on the ways that my partner has gaslighted me in our relationship and they ways I am easily gaslighted. I also don't tend to think of his behavior as being about morality or being a bad person, but as a terribly troubled person who learned certain coping skills to deal with problems. And when I called him out on his behavior, his instinct was to preserve his sense of self and his version of the story (wife is bad, trying to ruin my fun, hard to please) in order to not feel ashamed. Unlike the move, "Gaslight," he wasn't intentionally doing it but unconsciously doing it. And I am solidly in the category of someone who is easily gaslighted. So I have been focusing on staying true to my self and noticing when I was letting someone else define my truth. That helps me stick to my boundaries. It has also been important that I stop trying to fix my husband while still expecting him to fix himself.
Mbs you said it all so perfectly. I went though all this and learning about it helped me so much. It is that balance between recognizing who I am and falling back into old habits of being gaslighted. But realizing the real truth and I know in general we all try to fix whatever in our lives. That was the big shift for both of us focusing on ourselves and not trying to fix each other. But like you said sticking to the boundaries and even expectations.
DeleteMBS
DeleteI was already to the point of no longer obsessing about the ow but me needing to understand how my h was so easily manipulated I suppose I had to dissect the entire affair with understanding the way it began as well as how long it lasted and why it took so long for it to end! I had to understand her mentality since she struggled with her religion but yet kept coming back to my h for all of her emotional support! I know it sounds crazy but you kinda gave me the missing piece because I didn't see my h as the gaslighter type and I guess I didn't realize that women can do that because I could never see myself being that type of personality! Again I swear I learn so much from this blog and everyone's story! Our pastor tells us every Sunday that everybody has a story and every story counts!
Oh, I get it for sure. I had to figure out the OW. Didn't mean to sound so dismissive. I think I finally began to see both my H and the OW as two peas in a pod of messed up headspace, I got clarity. But that transition takes time and plenty of trying to figure this crap out. I just caution trying to spend too much time figuring out other people's crap and ignoring yourself. I started to find peace, (partly after spending lots of energy trying to figure out his problem for him), so that the who, what, where, why and how didn't matter so much. I can finally focus on myself, who I am, who I want to be, how to keep myself sane (especially since I can easily feel gaslighted), and what my own growth needs to be--the stuff I can control. I think it is important to want to get to that place.
DeleteI agree with Elle this is bullshit. He should have no contact with the OW. You certainly are not to blame for this. I also hope that he realizes that he has been given a gift, a second chance with you. Sending you Hugs and strength.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the replies. Because i couldn't understand why the A continued i suppose it was easy to blame myself but now i understand i am a good person he is the person with the flaws and moves blame onto me. It isn't until time passes that you begin to get your self worth back and come out your own FOG. I am not putting up with anymore gas lighting, manipulation, controlling behaviour !! Big kisses
DeleteHi all, I wanted to share what's going on for me right now.
ReplyDeleteBasically on Monday my husband left my youngest child of 3 yrs old at his grandparents house, this is the first time my son had been left there without my husband supervising. At the time his sister and nephew of 12 years old were supposedly looking after my child. To cut a long story short my 3 year old came home and disclosed something that was deeply concerning, thank god he came home and told me and his father. I immediately rang the police and safeguarding unit. Obviously this was a difficult situation for my husband given his nephew had allegedly done or said something appropriate to my child however I did what I did for the protection of my child and would do exactly the same again.
Basically my husband left that night in Monday and hasn't returned he's choosing to live in denial, bury his head, whatever and hadn't been back since. Oh yeah not to mention that he blames me for ringing the police says 'I could have handled it differently' no fucking way could I have handled it differently end of.
After interviewing my child and the other 12 yr old child the police could not take the case any further because the 12 yr old denied any wrong doing and sadly my 3 yr old did not tell the policemen what he told me and his dad. So a very sad situation to be in but I'm taking the positives out of this mess which are that my son told me, I can now keep him save and protect him and I can never let him go to my h grandparents ever again. And Can I add that he's absolutely fine in himself. Me and my 12 yr old son on the other hand are traumatised, not only have we had to deal with a horrendous situation but my h leaves at a time when I need him. What a sad sad man I hope he rots.
I don't want my h back in the house, I believe this was his excuse to leave, I believe from his behaviour these past few months towards me he wanted to go but didn't have the balls. So the sad basterd has waited and used this situation to leave and blame me. the last few months have been awful he's disrespected me, brought me down etc etc and I knew something wasn't right I pretty much know he's back with his ap, but you know what good luck to the silly fucking basterd I hope he rots in hell. The guilt and shame of how he has left his children when they need him the most will surely kill his soul.
My saving grace in all this is that my children are ok I am going to continue to talk through this situation with my 12 yr old as he understands what has gone on and is angry with his dad and what has happened to his little brother. But I'm amazed at how well he is doing and I'm so proud. Ultimately the situation is that his dad has gone he has had phone contact with the children and will clearly want to see them at some point when his head is out of his ass and I'd never stop that however I will never let contact take place at my h parents house. I don't want my children anywhere near his family members.
Surprisingly I'm ok getting through day by day, I'm relieved he is out of the house and I don't want him back in. It's gonna be a long tough road, I just need to stay strong and be there for my boys that's my priority that's all I care about right now.
Sorry it's been long winded I wanted to let my friends here know what I'm going through right now.
Xxx
Ugh, yuck, ugh. I hate him for you.
DeleteWishing you strength to get through this and peace and healing for you and your children.
Sam,
DeleteVery sorry that you all had to go through that. Of course you did the right thing. You're a mom and you are absolutely doing the right thing for your child. He already trusts you and knows you will protect him.
Hugs!
Wow Sam. My heart goes out to you. Thank God you have your children and they have you. Your husband has walked away from a tremendously caring and compassionate partner - it is his loss; and from the sound of things ... your gain. Come on over ... we'll go to the beach and walk and chat and walk and chat.
ReplyDeletePeace&Light my Dear
Beyoncé's Lemonade - the album and visual film - A-mazing. Esther Perel has an article about it. If you are a music lover. a lover of art ... you will love it. If you are a betrayed wife - the words, the music, the visuals will speak to your heart and soul. Thank you Beyoncé. Thank you. Thank you for telling the truth about betrayal for the whole world to see.
ReplyDeleteSamA that is all pretty horrendous. Thinking of you and your kids. Not your sad sack of a husband, he really does need to get his head out of his ass!
ReplyDeleteThankyou, piper, Melissa,mbs, your words are my security blanket and confirmation I'm doing the right thing and I'll be just fine. When it comes to the children no one but no one will ever stand in my way of protecting them. Love you ladies lots. Xxx
ReplyDeleteSam a
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are having to go through all of this. After going through learning of betrayal it can all be so hard. But I have become more aware and less likely to go along with things and accept them. Your children are so lucky they have you. You did the right thing and listened to your child and protected them. In the end we know what is right for us and it is trusting ourselves and that gut feeling. Thinking of you!
Thank you hopeful, I'm thankful you have you ladies in my life xx
Delete