Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Wednesday Word Hug


  1. physically i am fit, I can leg press 30 stones no problem, mentally I'm not so sure, I'm not a pushover but feel like I'm being walked on at the moment. So my husband drops it in conversation today that he may go away with his man friend on holiday. There's s few reasons I'm pissed the first one being I could do with a holiday and so could the kids, secondly why would you want to go away with a friend and not your wife and kids as good as s holiday away on my own sounds I couldn't leave my children. So when I had a little bitch fit this morning he says this is what happens every so often your ok for s week then I flip, he's right I do flip because he's being unfair generally and not putting me and kids first like I do and I can't stay quiet when it's my family that's being disrespected.

    I don't know what's going on with him right now I'm not holding him ransom if he's unhappy and wants a single life than go, don't blame me for all your wrongdoings which is how I feel right now. He says were different people we fuvking are so what shall we do about it I put the choices to him then he says nothing. What the fuk do you want??? Stay or go?? If you stay you have some changes to be made if you go then changes are def on the cards. Ffs do I have to do everything. I'm so angry right now. I refuse to give in to being treated unfairly and if things don't change I'm gonna make the decision for him. Yours truly pissed off Sam!!!!!

    1. SamA
      I feel your pain! That was a trigger for me in the beginning of my healing process. My h thought once the mess was out in the open he could go back to his free choice of what to do with out discussion of his plans and even if it was just a round of golf which before dday was a nonissue, would just make my blood boil! His choice for his pastime of golf has been a contention in our marriage for a very long time. Once a long time ago I told my h if he went on his golf trip to the beach the kids and I wouldn't be there when he returned. Well that turned very sour. My great aunt passed away two days before his trip and that time he had to step up to the plate and send me home to deal with a funeral while he held up the fort at home with a two and three year old by himself. That was a turning point in our marriage at the time and I understood his need for alone men buddy time. Fast forward 25 years and post dday he's not allowed to make any plans before discussion with me. Sometimes I say go ahead and sometimes I say I'm uncomfortable with that choice. For me it was like his selfish choice to cheat changed the rules for our relationship going forward. We are still a work in progress but together we are making decisions that both give us our freedom to choose activities that don't include the other but giving each of us the option to say that isn't what I prefer! I so understand your frustration and anger that he's back to being selfish. All men are to a certain degree. I sometimes think it's because we as their wives make them believe they are the most important thing in life and our job is to fulfill their desires in all areas of life. I had to teach my h that my feelings and my needs are just as important as his. I'm so sorry for your pain and hope just telling him how you feel helps him realize your needs! Hugs!

    2. This has been the biggest area for us to work on regarding boundaries and new ways of communicating. We had a dynamic that had developed over 25 years. We were both used to it good or bad. Once everything came out it was hard for both of us to figure out how to get thorough it communication wise. I was not sure what I wanted or needed even. I knew we could not just sit at home together forever. But time away golfing turned into dinner and drinks then a night out. And he met both women through one friend but I know he was flirtatious with other women that is how I caught him. So we both knew things needed to change. But he did not know if he could do it or be happy or live up to what I needed after so long. He says it takes six months to create new habits. Well he was committed to me and us by then but the communication needed to be worked out. He was a lot more honest but still struggled with how to talk with me about going out or golfing. It felt odd like he was asking permission. But we got to the point of it getting easier and like you said Theresa it is a matter of discussing if it is good for both of us. He made if certain that if I do not want him to go and do something I need to say so. He cannot read my mind and I told him I need him to respect my reasons. But it took us a year for him to really get checking in with me and keeping me updated about who he is with and where. This was a huge sticking point for me. He felt like he was doing nothing wrong and acted as if I was with him. So he is finally getting that. He did lose all his freedom which he had a lot. But the funny thing is now he says when he is out he wishes I was with him. He texts me all the time etc. It is a major work in progress and I worry about how this will change his dynamic with his friends. They have noticed he goes out less, goes home earlier and drinks less. It has been a major transformation. lots of work still left to do. Once you fix one thing move onto the next. I have really high expectations and I am not going to back down.

  2. Theresa, what you say makes perfect sense sometimes we just have to spell it out word for word. I.e 'we have feelings and needs just like them' simple but so lost true and I'll be the first to put my hand up and say I find it hard to tell him what I want. I kinda think he should know being a grown man but learnt doesn't. Post d day I am getting better and with practise I'm sure I'll be an expert for asking what I want. I agree that a discussion should be had before either of us makes any decisions that will effect us.

    Thanks Theresa!!! I'm a little calmer today : ) lots a love xxxx

  3. SamA
    I'm glad you are feeling calmer and my suggestions have helped. I too have a hard time expressing what I want and need for our weekend time! My h has finally learned how to ask ahead for his alone time to golf but he also has begun teaching me how to golf and that has made a big difference in our world! When we began our journey post dday, I told my h that I felt neglected by him always choosing golf instead of time with me! I told him I wasn't sure when it happened but we stopped playing together as most of my hobbies are different than his. So this past year we have begun finding things to do together and balance the times we choose apart activities. It's making a huge difference for us! Hugs!

  4. Feeling Lost in AZMay 3, 2016 at 9:32 AM

    I could sure use some strength today. It's been 4 mos. & 2 weeks since dday. My h has to go out of town for work and I'm so anxious I can hardly think straight. His going out of town is a trigger for me as he and the OW talked about taking a trip together just before discovery. He assures me I have nothing to worry about but I have such doubt and my mind loves to play games with me. I seriously think about calling where she works to see if she's working these next few days. I've thought about doing it but have never done it. The anxiety started when I woke up this morning - damn I hate it when I get like this. Makes me feel like I'm not doing something right. I have good days and then days like this where I'm on the verge of tears and I can't let coworkers see me like this.

    H was curious about other women (had only one sexual partner other than me). Says it never was about me, still loved me, never planned to leave me, etc. Yet some days I wake up some thinking about times we were together (date night, no less) and he was texting the OW - I remember it looking back. I'm going to have to dig deep to keep myself together these next couple of days.

    I have to give my h credit as we've done counseling, he continues to try and reassure me there's been no contact, basically doing everything right. But how do I truly know?!?

    Struggling today and it sucks...

    1. Feeling lost in az
      I understand the trigger and anxiety that goes with a traveling h! My h didn't just talk about it but he actually took her on a business trip for that one last time together to 'shut' her up again. I still find that the hard pain of knowledge that the COW decided to throw in my face the day she decided I needed a good dose of 'truth'! Looking back, I now realize that was the last of the 'physical' affair but the emotional affair didn't end until he had her put in jail. So those trips my h continue to go on can cause me to be very anxious! I even wondered in the beginning if he doesn't have women at the end of the other trips as well but I began to listen to my h as he was coming clean of the details of the affair and the timeline and he also began to tell how this made him feel and that's when I began to heal my heart and yet when I see his suitcase coming out even if I know a week before it can still cause me great anxiety. I usually get busy doing something in another part to distract me! Four months I was barely functioning. Now almost 2 years and I still trigger with out warning but now I'm getting to the point where I can calm myself down with music and exercise and any of my other pastime activities. I'm so sorry you are struggling today and yes it truly sucks! Time to concentrate on you and find a way to get through his trip with minimal anxiety for you. My h keeps in touch with me through phone calls and texts through out the day when he travels. There is no guarantee that he won't take advantage of the out of town trips to try different sex again but based on the way he described how the whole experience has changed his way of looking at women all women he says the chance of it happening again is small in our case so my advice to you is find a way to keep in touch often when he travels and indulge yourself in a trip for a manicure or massage! I know how hard the first few months are! I wish I could help make it easier but nothing but time and your h actions will! Hugs!

    2. Feeling Lost, So sorry you are struggling today. I get that. My husband traveling is a trigger for me because he actually did meet the OW on his trips etc. Have you talked to your h about what you need i terms of reassurance while he travels? Mine texts and calls me through out the day and between meetings and then we do a final call at bedtime when he is in his hotel room. The problem with trusting someone who has completely betrayed your trust is that we are torn in two. We want to trust them, desperately and yet we don't. One of the biggest things that has helped me are emotional acceptance exercises. It recognizes these conflicting states inside you and accepts them as they are. Basically you repeat to yourself "I accept that I want to trust him AND I accept that I don't trust him." When you accept both the inner conflict is gone. You are making peace with yourself and sometimes you may feel a lightening of anxiety. if there is still some there, there may be more things you need to accept. Don't get me wrong, accepting is not condoning, it is simple recognizing and being with reality as it is, not as we want it to be.
      Also, how are you taking care of yourself? Can you go get a massage? Do you have a support network, family member or one friend who knows what is going on and you can lean on?
      Trust is not something you can flip on like a light switch. He needs to consistently earn it back over time. I hope he is being patient and compassionate with you.
      Finally, don't waste time and energy on the OW. it is what the folks here call pain shopping. if she catches wind of you looking her up, she may react badly or say and do things just to hurt or spite you. Don't give her that power. She is a waste of skin and doesn't deserve your time or attention. Focus on caring for yourself and your relationship with your h.
      You have more strength than you maybe realize. Be kind to yourself. Call in sick, whatever you need to do. Sometimes just showing up and breathing is a victory. Hugs!

  5. Feeling lost,

    I was in your shoes and I totally know how it feels. My husband had a trip planned with friends and it was 6 weeks after dday one and then he had another trip planned already for 5 months after dday one and weeks after dday two. Mine was a little different since it was not for work. Granted one of his affairs started in a guys trip and the other was started in town both women were friends with one of his friends,

    We talked a lot about him not going, I went back and forth. I was thinking is this too soon? What is too soon? It was so early for us and my thought then was he cannot stay in this house with me forever since he has gone on 2-3 trips every gear. Well I was a mess. It was hard for me and I had several panic attacks. We talked about it before he left and he said he would answer his phone asap and text me with regular updates etc. and I could call anytime. Well I did call often. We had really long conversations one was into the middle of the night. It was really hard but it did bring us closer and made him see how hard this was going to be for me and us. When he got back we were closer than ever.

    The second trip was not as extreme for me but still had similar feelings, I think it will be there. I connect guys trips and time with this carefree freedom.

    For me what I did is I planned nothing else. I did not want to have to be somewhere or meeting friends out. My kids had no where to be. I spent a lot of time with them, when I did panic or break down I went to my closet. In the end I did what I had to do to get through it. Maybe we should have not had him go on the trips but in the end it did help us. And the funny thing is he has not been gone one night since then. He has turned down every guys trio since those planned before dday.

    So I say figure out how he can help you get through it. For me that has been part of this all. Working through it together. Then we see what is hardest for each of us.

  6. Feeling Lost in AZMay 4, 2016 at 9:15 AM

    Thank you all for your suggestions and kind comments. I made it through yesterday by keeping very busy and not wanting my coworkers to see me cry and ask why. One night down, one to go.

    Hopeful 30, I think planning nothing is a good idea. Maybe I can use the time to quiet my brain. My h has a non-work trip coming up and I hope I can find time to just be and have some time for me.

    Still standing, You are right on the mark with the emotional accepting exercises. Oh the conflict in myself and it makes me feel guilty. But you're right, I need to reconcile with myself the fact that I really want to trust him but that I'm still having a hard time actually doing it. And that's okay, right? I just need to come to terms with it.

    The thing about this whole betrayal thing is that it just messes with everything - my mind, body, and down to the depths of my being. It is totally consuming (which I'm trying not to let it do) and makes me question everything and anything. It is hard work to try and put what I thought was a good marriage back together. It is exhausting.

    H has kept in contact with me by text and phone during the day and facetime at night which does provide reassurance.

    Teresa, h has opened up about how his actions made him feel as well and shown remorse. He is a good person but what he did wasn't and he doesn't want to ever repeat that. And you're right, actions speak volumes. I often question his actions but he seems sincere. I need to take some time to do some soul searching to make sure I'm doing what I should be doing in this process. Damn this is hard.

    I do know that while I'm struggling, I will make it through another day.

    1. Feeling lost,
      What you're experiencing is completely normal. Of course you have doubts. It takes a long time to rebuild trust after betrayal. So let yourself off the hook. This is a chance for your husband to prove himself. He'll have many opportunities to show you that he's working hard to earn that second chance.
      Take some time to be gentle with yourself. Cry. Binge watch tv. Read. Cook a delicious meal. Whatever nurtures your soul.
      None of us ever really knows if our partners are being faithful. We never did. But we can learn to life with some uncertainty once we learn to trust ourselves to take care of us.

  7. Elle, I want to say that it does take a lot of time. And for me and many people I know and in general society we all want to hurry things up. It is easier if things are worked out and we can move on/forward for anything in life. But I have found this takes a lot of time, and requires a lot of patience. For the first year I said to my husband I need time and your patience. I need to ask the same question over and over. And it was like a switch flipped/light bulb went on inside me and I was ready to move on. And at that point he really started to focus on him. In the past two months his personal/internal changes have been dramatic. He was doing all the other things right in general. And he would talk of his guilt and never forgetting, never taking the second chance for granted. Yet I just never felt like he dug deeper. Well now he is. And I am seeing a big shift in him. He recently told me he thought he would never be happy again ever in his life because if what he did, but he thanked me for being who I am and giving him the second chance. And he said he has never been happier. But it took a lot and just time really.

    And I think I have gotten to that point there are no guarantees with him or anyone. That does not stop me from asking questions like has there been any contact. For me I need to ask and he is always willing to answer. And I am not sure what shape or form that will take through the years but for now I ask. I was thinking if I left him and found someone new I would be more vigilant with them too.

    And as this year has passed I am not sure if it is my age, time in life or awareness but I see and hear about affairs, betrayal, infidelity, porn addiction, sexual addiction, alcoholism, financial troubles... Just all sorts of issues, disfuncfion and betrayals on all levels. I am so much more aware with how I spend my time and who it is with even in friendships. It is all good. I like having this awareness and looking out for myself. I know it will serve me well but I hope it serves our marriage well.

  8. Dear Hopeful--
    I, too, feel a sudden awareness of these things you mentioned above, that I never really thought about or acknowledged before. One of the things (a year out) that I feel could be a gift (out of this horrific mess) is that I value the people in my life that are true friends. I think I took some of that for granted before, and now I finally realize how blessed I am to have the friends I truly connect with, and who view friendship on the same terms that I do. I wish the other friends well, but do not feel as though I would give them my friendship "heart". Not sure if this makes sense at all, but my true friendships are much more sweeter and of a higher priority to me.



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