"If a reasonable boundary hurts a relationship then usually what that [means] is you're dealing with an unreasonable person."
(More wisdom from Dear Sugar podcast. Though the episode is on weddings, it's really all about boundaries)
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This is so turn. I am at the point when we discuss a boundary or situation it is not just to talk about it. I have been through enough and thought enough about my life that I mean what I say. I expect to be taken seriously and listened to. This is serious business to me. So I expect my husband to listen, respect and honor what I say. I find now more than ever before in our 25+ years together he asks me what I think and he takes what I say to heart. He was always so defensive so I never commented about his family, friends etc. But now I tell him what I think and see. He absorbs it and processes it. Without this new dynamic in our relationship I am not sure we would be here together.
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30
DeleteI so get what you are saying! One of the problems with our entire relationship involved plans I would make and it getting trumped, no political pun intended, and I would just cave in and live with what ever! One of my boundaries was this could not happen anymore and if we change plans it's because we discuss it first!
Biggest change in our marriage since it began! Today we made plans to hike up to see a new waterfall but one of his buddies that is married but spouse visiting her friends in a different state wanted us to come hang out with him at a pool but my h told him that we were hiking first and swimming later! Big difference in the dynamic of our relationship! It's tough rebuilding and maintaining new boundaries! Hugs!
Theresa,
DeleteThis is very similar to us. And after dday and even for a while it was so hard. I felt like I had to be the voice of reason or saying no. But now my husband has really reshaped the way he handles these type of situations. He turns things down or stands his ground. What I feel like is he was such a people pleaser above all else and not for me or our kids but for others. This guided him for so long. But now he seems to get it. I am still vigilant and think about it but he makes better decisions without me even needing to give input. Big changes have happened. It is hard to believed what we have created together out of that huge mess I never thought this would be possible.
Hopeful 30
DeleteThat is the difference I'm beginning to see. My h stepping up and putting his desire for his fun at least on a discussion until we agree to stick with the plan we had or cash it in for one that benefits both of us! I also agree that I'm amazed at better now is than before dday when he was scrambling to keep me from knowing!
I sometimes feel my life would best be lived by committee and the women of BWC would be the board of directors...why can I just not get clear on some of this? The man in my life grew up in a situation "diagnosed" as emotional or covert incest (and yes we consulted a lot of experts because I had a hard time with the yuck factor). He lived with a mother and aunt who raised him as though he were an impotent demi-god: they never treated him with any respect, but conversely nothing was forbidden. The aunt watched porn with him and his 13 year old friends, explicit sexual materials were left around the house accessible to him at all times but no one ever spoke to him about sex or intimacy and his addiction became entrenched. They took every opportunity to say things in front of me regarding his sexual appetite, how he wanted to sleep with so and so or got caught showering with another girl. At the time I hated all of them. The rage I felt toward him for not stopping this got packed up in my dysfunctional hopeless chest and simmered for 20 years until his full disclosure when I donned my armour and unleashed hell. Fast forward to yesterday...his mother and aunt are still permitted to attend birthday functions, holidays. He had a full disclosure with them 9 months ago--actually stated that their behaviour and lack of boundaries contributed to his apocalyptic adult failures. He still insists that HE is accountable for all of his bad choices, but they did install the door to the dark side. They claimed there was nothing wrong with him (boys will be boys), they refused to acknowledge anything he said and after the disclosure have never checked in to see how he is doing with his recovery, to see how he is...they just show up at birthdays and holidays and say fucking stupid shit and make my skin crawl. As in his aunt said our daughter's boyfriend was "super hot and has bedroom eyes". I want to excise them like funky moles until they get really clear on the rules and take accountability for their roles. Apathy and confusion has gotten the better of us and they continue to attend these functions. I have evidence they are obtuse--they trust me to prepare their food when they've been full on assholes to me and know that I believe they played a role in the porn addiction and betrayal. The man in my life says they won't ever change, but that he will never permit them to be shitty to me again. I say their response to his disclosure and the absence of acknowlegement (care/concern?), is them being shitty to both of us. I don't know how to proceed other than continuing to put cat litter in their food (only in my dreams)because this is a big piece of what's holding me back. Anyone have an insight map I could borrow? With much affection and gratitude Shawn (whose pies may or may not contain cat litter).
ReplyDeleteOh please Pie Maker, listen to the Dear Sugar episodes--all of them, really, or atleast the "Wedding Drama" and "Politics is Personal" episodes. I inhaled them last night and they just spoke exactly to this: How do you deal with bad behavior of those you love or atleast part of your family system?
DeleteOne armed pie maker
DeleteI agree with MBS! I have listened to many of those podcasts and they are so helpful!
Shawn,
DeleteI think it's perfectly reasonable to refuse to entertain them in your home. He is free to pursue a relationship with them elsewhere. Everything you describe is about you not feeling emotionally safe with them around you. And that's all you need to know. You simply can't have them in your own without that creating resentment in your relationship with your husband. Your job is to keep yourself safe and to not introduce resentment into your relationship. So...they're not welcome. End of story. No anger. No ultimatums. Simply...you will no longer welcome them into your home when you're there. He's free to see them when you're not there or elsewhere. And then...say nothing more.
One arm pie maker,
ReplyDeleteWhat if your H was addicted to drugs? Would you let a drug dealer come to the Bithday party and smoke cocaine? What if your husband was addicted to alcohol? Would you let a family member who owned a liquor store bring big bottles of vodka? Are those two creeps a trigger for your H? My mother was toxic and I had no contact or limited contact with her for the last ten years. I don't feel guilty or have any regrets. These creeps may never take accountability for there roles and that is on them not you. If you allow them in your home that is on you. Now days I tell people, I'm not that same person anymore and what I expect. I told a good old drinking girlfriend, no I don't drink martinis anymore. I told my mom, we fight so I would rather not come home and when I do you really don't talk to me. I told my daughter-in-law, I only babysit when I want to. In others words, I would tell them, we are not those people anymore. Either you stop all this sexual stuff or you need to leave NOW. If they won't change that is on them not you. Own what is yours only and leave the rest to be on them.
LLP,
DeleteI think you should be offering assertiveness seminars!!
Another great Dear Sugar episode is up. "How Do we Forgive Our Fathers"--But this can easily be about our partners. http://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2016/06/17/dear-sugar-episode-fourteen-rerun
ReplyDeleteI am seeing my husband for who he is, not my fantasy. My sadness is that I may not chose to be with him. But this site and Dear Sugar has helped me find so much strength to make decisions for myself with confidence and strength.
There's so much power in that, isn't there? In knowing who we are and what we need from others. There will be those who can't give us what we need and being able to see that clearly makes our choices easier. We can't compromise on ourselves.
DeleteIt powerful and terrifying. Because you have to make choices. Hard and painful choices. And then there is the fear of making a mistake.... But really, if at the base of all your decisions, you touch in to who you are and what you truly need, you are more likely to make a good decision and get out of the endless cycle that causes you deep pain.
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