Thursday, September 14, 2017

Guest Post: The five things I want you to know about being cheated on

by StillStanding1

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.” – Brené Brown

Sometimes I read things on the internet and social media. Most of the time I should know better. Recently, I scanned the comments section of a post sharing how various people discovered their partners had been unfaithful, how they dealt with finding out or apocryphal stories of sweet, sweet revenge. Rather than bite the clickbait, I looked at the comments. I am more interested in the ways people process infidelity and how we, as Western society, discuss it, than I am in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” rants, which I believe is false or the “kick him/her to the curb” chorus, which I believe is short-sighted. One young woman was absolutely 100% sure that if your partner loved you enough, he wouldn’t cheat.  It’s that simple, she said. And she got into a long comment war with people who questioned that, stating over and over her premise, that where there is enough love aimed at you, there will not be cheating.
And I found myself, with a not small degree of jaded superiority, shaking my head and thinking, Honey, you have nooooo idea what you are talking about. And I hope you never get to have your theory proven wrong. “Short sighted.” “Naïve.” Her comment stayed with me for a few days, under my skin a bit, until I realized that it bugged me so much because I used to believe it too, but with this twist: that if I had somehow been more lovable, that if I had been “enough” then my partner would not have cheated. There was a lot I didn’t know at d-day. One is that his cheating was never about me. Two is that I have always been lovable and always been enough.  Three is that I am not responsible for other people’s crap, emotional or otherwise. Four is that I can take what comes (I’ve got a 100% success rate so far) and be OK. Five is that when I am kind to myself, the whole world is kind to me too. The list goes on (#36 is that I am permitted to take naps). But most importantly, it was never about whether or not my partner loved me “enough.”
Where I finally landed was that we were both close to the truth, this commenter and I. The idea that people cheat when there is not enough love is quite accurate. But it’s not that our partners and spouses didn’t love us enough, or that we weren’t lovable: it’s that they didn’t love themselves enough. In many cases, (where they are not a sociopathic narcissist) they were running from themselves, medicating long buried pain or otherwise responding to a deeply rooted unease that they are not quite as lovable as they ought to be.
I believe this to be true because I grew up without the strong sense of love and belonging that operates in people with healthy self-esteem. My being lovable was conditional, often depending on how sober my mom was and if I did my caretaker job as required. I grew up and became an adult (sort of) with this ravenous black hole of doubt and self-loathing inside me. I was responsible for making everyone happy (an impossible job).  Until I looked those childhood wounds in the face, I was going to keep repeating them. (I always picture the computer W.O.P.R. from the 1980s movie War Games – where it keeps playing tic tac toe and then war simulations over and over, virtually destroying the planet thousands of times, until it learns to do something different – in this case that nobody wins at tic tac toe so you just don’t play the game anymore.  We keep re-enacting our childhood wounds until we wake up and realize we don’t need to play those games anymore either.)
It wasn’t a long time after d-day that I arrived at this realization: no one is ever going to love me enough until I love myself. No one else is ever going to make me feel enough: only I can do that for myself by recognizing that it is true right now, right this second. Until I accepted myself and all my imperfections, I was never going to feel whole.  It was my job and my job alone to do that work.  Scary.
So many of us wash up here at BWC in the middle of the storm, dripping in family and relationship dysfunction. We don’t even recognize that the beach we are standing on is one where we need to start drawing some lines in the sand. We are lost, dizzy, sick and bewildered. Please remember that each of us is already enough exactly as we are. Each of us deserves love and respect based on the simple, beautiful fact of our existence. Start loving yourself. Be your own cheerleader. Don’t wait for anyone else to do it for you. You have so much more power than you ever knew. Each of us is infinitely lovable and infinitely worthy of belonging.


37 comments:

  1. Still Standing 1 - Wow. All I can really muster to say is Wow. Thank you for these words. They moved me to tears and reminded me what I really, really needed to hear right now. Those who have connected with me here know that I am struggling with my husband still working with the OW and I believe in my heart that (obviously) this still needs to be addressed for my entire healing. I know that I am in denial about some things, but I also have come to realize that sometimes I need to stay in this place of denial, just long enough to fully deal with it and move forward.

    But your words today reminded me of what I know deep, deep down inside but keep buried too much - that I am ENOUGH. Right here, right now, just as I am. I am lovable and I am ENOUGH. And I am finally starting to believe that his crap is his crap and I can't deal with it for him. His crap is what lead him to make the choices he did and while I feel we are in a much better place and my healing together has been done, he still has a lot more work do to, as do I. But I can only control me. I can only help me. I can only love me enough to heal and move forward.

    Thank you for this post. Thank you for saying to me...to all of us (like Elle does, too) that WE ARE ENOUGH!!!

    (Check out the song Enough by THe Mrs if you need a good pick me up song!)

    Hugs all!

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    1. Jules I'm so glad the post helped. You are in such a painful situation. I tolerated my h actually remaining in contact with the OW, when their company was so large and operationally there was absolutely zero need for them to have contact, but because I was afraid it would drive him away or I was rocking the boat too much. Can you imagine? I know better now, but then I wasn't treating myself like I deserved to be respected either. But I had to go through stuff to get to the point where I finally said "Enough of this garbage already." And told him he needed to move out. A very major step forward. The more we model self respect, the more people in our lives step up and treat us as we deserve.
      Just keep breathing and focus on taking care of you!

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  2. Oh SS1, you are such a role model for all of us on this path to acceptance of who we are and what we are worth. Your words are powerful and make it easy to visualize your journey through this ever changing life we lead as we figure out our next decision or two. I've landed in the beautiful Sonoran desert and finally have time to read posts and savor the collective wisdom of my warrior friends around the world. I had a "meltdown" two days ago and it was brutal and short lived. I still strive and struggle to accept the reality of life with my husband and especially internalizing exactly what you said about his cheating never being about me. I know now what he has always felt about himself, what he internalized and believed and medicated. It still hurts like hell and probably will for a very long time. Today is my 2 year 3 month D-day marker. I'm still here and still looking forward to a better life with my husband than ever before. Doesn't mean it won't be challenging at times for sure but I'm of the mindset that it will be worth it. Love to all and thanks for being here.

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    1. Thanks Beach Girl, I'm sorry to hear about your "meltdown" but dammit, you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. And for those of us who have been trained as caretakers, its hard to get to a place where we accept that it wasn't about us, that we couldn't have done anything different, that one way or another (with us or without us) this pain of theirs was going to come bubbling out. I really had to work to let go of responsibility for it. That doesn't mean that there weren't things in the relationship that I could have done better. There absolutely were. But they utlimately have nothing to do with him and his choices.
      And you are so right, there are always challenges ahead. That's part of life and being human. But there is also joy and happiness ahead too.

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  3. https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/affair-partner-co-worker/
    Jules this one is for you too.

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    1. Beach Girl - thank you so much for the link - that is a good read. I know that there should be no contact, but I also believe that none of this is black and white. And I also try so hard not to be naieve (hopefully you all see that) and my husband and I have discussed this at length with our marriage counselor. I believe this is a continual discussion we need to have and a resolution at some point needs to be a new job/no contact. I have seen my husband slowly - painfully slowly - shift from defensiveness to a more softness/deeper emotion behind it when I bring up the continued contact and hurt it brings me. I think it has helped lately that he has seen me working on me....I have been taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally - doing more of what makes me smile at home or otherwise. I feel he has come home more relaxed and while I cannot control that by my actions, I think it has helped how we respond to each other and I hope as this continues and I feel stronger and more trusting of myself, I can start to really improve our emotional connection. Does that make sense?

      Thanks so much! (Hugs)

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    2. Jules, Sounds like you are moving in the right direction. That is exactly what my husband said until I started to feel better and really focus on me and what I could control he was so worried about me it was not productive. For us it was exactly like you said it was a slow work in progress but with time communication became easier. And really in the end that is the most critical way to heal from all of this.

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    3. Hi Jules

      I think you are right that things are not black and white and we do all walk our own path. I think it is possible to make progress while work contact is continues IF there are very clear boundaries in place and the H is respectful and honors them. While doing the work with his partner.

      I tend to be a bit suspicious of continuing contact because affairs are so powerful and affair fog is real and even when folks don't work together it can take time to really get to no contact. Even with the best intentions, when contact continues I think it is so hard for people to honor boundaries and restablish correct roles. Particularly if it was a physical and emotional affair. Often it is much easier for the sex to stop but not the other stuff.

      I know in my case continued professional contact was never really professional. That Year caused me so much more heartache and damage.

      Focus on yourself and your needs is really positive. We have to give ourselves what we need. Also, please keep your eyes wide open regarding contact and keep working with your counselor. I wish you and your H the best.
      Love and support sister
      Becky

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    4. That was a great link! The last option to have the spouse leave his job worked for me. He was in EA for about 2 years and I was clueless until one day my intuition kicked in and said to check his Facebook account. Once I found out who his Facebook searches were about, I kept finding other things. He fessed up to something that I would not have been able to find on my own (the purchase of an expensive gift) because of how well he hid his tracks. He left his job although he begged and pleaded. While he was waiting to transfer he said there was no contact but I would found out later that there was still contact (I suspected it anyway). It wasn't until after he left and cut his ties with OW that he was able to process his actions.

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  4. Just wow! Just look how far you have come! You should be so proud of you! I'm working hard on myself and I find that I have setbacks depending on how my mothers dementia is on any given day. I'm at peace with my h and his short comings but dealing with my mother is a very different beast. I'm learning new coping skills with her. I'm learning to tell myself that I'm taking care of a sweet little old lady that has very rich children that pay me a large salary to take good care of their mother. Most days this works and leaves me giggling and the stress seems to fade away. Oh and it also helped that I put boundaries in place the day I lost my tongue and told her as she was telling me that I needed to shut up, that maybe I wasn't the one that needed to shut the fuck up. I had never talked to her like that ever. She told everyone in the family that I was bi-polar and I had lost my mind. Oh but of course the whole family told me that it was about time someone told her that. Maybe not with the curse word! I'm so proud of you still standing 1!!!

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    1. Theresa, I love that story (and I use adult sentence enhancers all the time, they can be really cathartic). I love how you swearing makes you bipolar!!! That's her trying to get you back in line. Sounds like the rest of the family are on to her though. Thanks for the props!

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    2. Still standing 1
      Realizing that my mother was the first bully in my life was something that I learned rather early in life...learning how to get her to respect my boundaries has taken a life time of struggles but beginning when I was 18, I learned how to keep her at arms length and I guess some of the old pain from childhood came back with my h choices for his affair! Keep rocking it girl!

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    1. Thank you MBS XOXO

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  6. Bravo Still Standing. You brought me to tears. Bravo.

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    1. Thank you Steam! Muchos hugs!!!

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  7. Still Standing 1,
    Thank you so much for your very wise words! I agree with everything you said. One of the main, sad thoughts I had when I first found out was, "no one will ever love me as much as I love them." It seems all my relationships have shown me that somehow. The good news is that if I really love myself, I can be the one to fill that need I have. I hadn't ever tried that. I poured all my love into other people and thought they would/should reciprocate. Apparently not. At least not to my standards. When I take care of myself, I do feel more love from others though. It's strange how that happens. I'm not as needy of their love (because of my self love), I give the love I have to them freely without resentments, and all that somehow adds up to me feeling more valued by others. It's not that they love me more than they did necessarily. It's just that I can FEEL it more because of my state of mind. Thank you for spelling all that out so eloquently!

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    1. Ann, "no one will ever love me as much as I love them." yes this. I felt this so many times in my life. Someone Puhleeeaaase love me. because I was looking for other people to make me feel better about not liking myself a whole lot.
      Now at least I can look at that when it comes up. Notice it. But I don't have to buy it. Just because my brain is thinking it, doesn't mean its true.

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  8. Still Standing, Great Job!! For me initially peeling back what society projects regarding betrayal was a huge part of me even being able to start thinking about healing. I was not educated at all so I told myself all the typical responses. Since my husband is in the mental health field I remember him telling me with a raised voice that I did not get it and this was 100% his fault and had nothing to do with me. And that whatever I was telling myself was based off of his poor treatment of me. It took a long time for those things to sink in and come to the realization how cheating and betrayal is portrayed is not accurate at all.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts in such a well written post!

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  9. SS1.

    Brava!!!! So true and we all need to hear it over and over again because loving ourselves and owning our story takes courage and is so hard. When I first washed up on the BWC shore (I love that image!) I had almost no concept of self love and kindness. And, I'm still learning to practice it daily.

    Thank you and I'm super proud of you sister.
    Becky

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  10. Wow. Just wow. Words I needed to hear, to think about, to really let sink in. Thanks SS1 and Elle for all you do for those of us here. I may not post regularly, but visit frequently to sometimes get me through the day. I appreciate each and every one of you.

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  11. Thanks everyone for your comments and kudos. I was so excited to get the chance to do a guest post but nervous as hell too. Funny story, after it was posted I had clicked the little "notify me" button so I would get to see comments as they happened. And all day went by without any, even though I was seeing comments from other posts. And, I thought "OMG everyone is boycotting me, nobody likes me." And I quickly followed that with "cut that crap. There's probably some reasonable explanation." And I visited the page and voila! comments. People got something meaningful from my thoughts. Just a technical error. All reminding me that a lot of times what I think is "real" or feels real is just going on in my head.
    I think the washed up on the shores here is a visual that has been in my head a long time. There's definitely that waking up on the island with sand in your teeth and wtf just happened feeling but also a thank God I've found some dry land and Oh, look here come some people who might be able to help me. I'm really grateful for all the love, support and acceptance I get here. It's also incredibly healing to feel like I can give some of that back by writing and responding. its really good stuff.

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    1. Still standing 1
      Hugs and a big yes to how easy it is to fall back on old patterns of being insignificant and unlovable when reality is that you have been a growing inspiration to so many on the blog and more than likely many more that just come to read without posting! I'm glad you were brave enough to go back and check because as you have found, you are a great inspiration no matter what happens in our collective future! Well done!

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    2. The things you wrote really hit home with me. We can't control how others treat us emotional or otherwise. I had always thought of my childhood as ideal even though my mother could be abusive in what is considered abuse in today's world. On Dday I found out who my real friends were and who could just go to hell that day that included my husband. I wondered what the hell happened in the 2 weeks that changed him and I had kicked him out. Then having him come home the next day crying telling me he loved me and asking me for forgiveness because he didn't know how he got caught up in this mess. Well I found out just this past weekend from the OW what really happened. She let slip that they knew he was sick on his meds and they used it to control the whole situation. It's a long story and I've bored enough people with my story on here. I just wanted to say Thank you to you, Elle, Ann and Theresa for the things you have posted on my post. Some have helped and some haven't but I had to find out what worked for me. I have started baking again as a means of therapy, this was something I couldn't do because it reminded me of what happened at that restaurant, and I have started journaling again. When I have time I have started walking too. I've lost total interest in painting and this was something I lost a long time ago. Sometimes my job keeps me too busy to get in that daily walk with my dog but, boy do I look forward to it when I can. I didn't realize how I had neglected myself while trying to take care of my husband and daughter. My husband is off all medications now but my daughter still has anxiety issues because of this mess but, I am able to help her better now that I'm helping me again.

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    3. Anonymous
      I'm glad you see how important taking care of you first is! That's been the hardest lesson for me in the three years come October 24 that took Elle so many times to teach me! I'm sure I heard it every time I took off on an airplane trip that if the masks drop put your own mask on and then turn to your child/spouse/neighbor! lol most mothers worth a toot always choose others before selves! I'm thinking that it's the law of nature! I'm thankful that I am relearning some of that! Hugs!

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    4. Still standing 1
      I read some of your blog and all I can say is man! I thought I was the only female that had the endometrial ablation in order to stop bleeding! I'm so sorry for what you lived through but so thankful that you survived enough to get where you are now! Your words are very soothing...much like Elle does with her blog! Thanks for sharing it!

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  12. I wish I read your blog sooner! Initially, when I learned of my husband's EA, I was devastated. I felt like I had failed. I began some internet searching and initially found forums which were full of pro-divorce and marriage bashing people. Immediately, when I posted my story, the replies were about how stupid I was, he was 100% cheating, and get a lawyer. I was able to find some more forums which helped me A LOT. I have been in IC for a while but the information and support I got from other sites helped me a great deal. Through one of the sites, I was assigned a mentor who provided me with a great deal of support and encouragement. I learned how this was not at all about me. There was nothing I could do. It was all about him. I am 1.5 years BD and it gets easier to live with. I chose to stay and work it out. Just wanted to share my story and also to say thank you for posting yours.

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  13. Hi ladies....not really sure where to post this but....is anyone else just tired? Or felt it in the past? Tired of being the lead on our healing. Tired of healing myself. Tired of trying make sense of it all. Tired of the hurt. Tired of trying to find the right time to talk...the right words to say to move things forward, not back...tired of just all of it??

    I am just so tired. Tired of wishing I could go back. Wishing I could be different, yet knowing it wasn't my fault.

    Just tired. Worrying if I didn't say something at this time or that I messed up. Things like that.

    Thanks for listening. Just venting really. Thanks.

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    1. Jules,
      Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!!!

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    2. Jules... tired? Yes. Every goddam day. Tired of being a grown up, tired of driving my life solo, tired of work, tired of taking care of the house, tired of thinking, tired of trying not to worry about my future, tired of all the things on my shoulders.
      So Jules, "tired of being the lead on our healing" what happens if you put that down for a day or two or three? Its not your job to fix this.Its not your job to show him the way or make the path clear or easy for him. Sit down. Put it down. Close your eyes. Climb in the tub. Let him figure some of this out on his own.
      "Tired of healing myself." Then by all means let yourself off the hook. Don't work so hard. Just be nice to yourself, you are not on a timetable. There is no looming deadline. You have as much time as you need.
      "Tired of trying to make sense of it all." Amen sister, amen. Maybe give your brain a break? Maybe it doesn't make sense no matter how you turn it? Maybe it will eventually but right now it doesn't have to. You are allowed to sit and look at it and think, "This makes no sense to me." And leave it there.
      "Tired of the hurt." Yeah. It gets old. You won't always feel this way. I promise that. Unfortunately, with pain, the best way out is through. Just don't feel like you have to get there all in one sitting, or even in a straight line.
      "...the right time... the right words" Can you give yourself a break on finding the "right" anything just now? Because that feels to me the the mirror reflection of "if only I had been thinner, prettier, a better cook, more x, then he wouldn't have strayed..."
      "forward, not back" healing and recovery is not s straight line. The path winds and ground very often needs to be covered and recovered (like they way we tell our stories over and over until we get them sorted inside our heads and hearts) so try not to put so much pressure on yourself or take all the responsibility of recovery on your shoulders.
      Tired of it all, sounds like you need to take a rest. I know in the early days/weeks/months post dday I worked feverishly to fix everything, I addressed every complaint my H had aimed at me, made amends for all perceived slights and faults (even for missing a specific birthday back before we were even dating - can you believe he lobbed that garbage at me?) and trying so so hard to find times to talk to make the path home smooth and easy for him. I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. It finally got better when I finally had what Olive Mee calls "fuck this shit Tuesday". I realized that I was hustling for worthiness (see today's new post) and none of it, not one ounce was my job.
      So Jules, grab a big bowl of fuck this shit, and sit down and binge watch your favorite show, or go for a walk. And please, please give yourself a break. I know it is so hard when we are in hyper vigilant fix it mode, so very hard. Maybe let go of some of that and see how he steps up. Put yourself at the center of the story.
      I hope this helps. Much love, SS1

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    3. Jules
      YES! I'm just as tired of all the bull shit that his selfish choice has caused! And just when I feel like I have come to grips with the triggers, damn I get busted back on my knees! I had just got to the point that his first golf tournament with the fellas at the office was one he deserved and I suppose that because he thought he would be home by 5 but didn't get home until 7 and then he had to take care of a work issue for an hour after that led to my Friday night meltdown. Or it could have been the week long stress of dealing with the power outages from the hurricane and dealing with my stubborn mother and her dementia, or it could have been because of his reaction when I told him that I thought I saw the cow driving up the street as I was unloading the supplies for the weekend. But hell yes I'm just so tired of when it happens having to deal with his take on the trigger instead of how the trigger leaves me reeling. Sending hugs and keeping one for myself!

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  14. SS1--Gosh what a great article. Thanks for writing it.

    In fact no I do not feel lovable. I'm not sure I even know the real meaning of the love others have or don't have for me. Love seems to be so conditional for some. I'm not sure I am lovable to those people.

    I am very aware however of the love I have for others and it is different for each. In other words my love for my grandchildren is different from the love for my sons which is in turn different than the love I have for my husband, sisters, etc. And I try every time I am with them to show my respect and gratitude that they are in my life. If that's love then I only feel it from very very few people.

    People use the words "I love you" in the same way they say "I love coffee". Love is easily bantered about these days. So I'm pretty wary when someone says "I love you". Except when it comes from my innocent grandchildren.

    Maybe I put more value in being respectful and respected than being loved. Love seems so temperamental and fleeting and I'm just not sure I have the stomach for it, or if my scared heart can withstand being loved any less.

    Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on this beautiful thread, but this whole "love" thing has had me thinking about it for years now. I always assumed I was loved before DDay. I thought I felt his love and respect for me. Nothing ever gave me an indication that I wasn't. So that assumption of love and respect certainly didn't serve me very well or protect me from his abuse and infidelity and betrayal. So now I'm just not sure and I don't know if I ever will be.

    LOL I suppose this why so many poems and plays and songs have been written about love.

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    1. TryingHard, you've hit on one of those enormous existential questions that are a baseline of human existence. Can we ever really know if people love us? That and the idea that there are as many different kinds of love as there are people. And we, ourselves, love the different people in our lives in different ways. And I agree that for some people it is a "throw away" line with no depth or thought. Rather like the "How are you?" and the "I'm fine. How are you?" we toss out in response because most of the time people don't want to hear "actually, my heart is broken and I feel like I'm dying inside."
      You said "I am not sure I am lovable to those people." Yes love is conditional for many. So pardon my potty mouth, but fuck those people. They are not the sole determiners of your worth. You are lovable. Full Stop. Regardless of the ability of the people in your life to recognize it or act on it in a healthy way or to express love to you. You are lovable. So that's the thing. Whether or not the people in your life show you respect and love doesn't mean you are not deserving of those things. Love from others is temperamental. It is fleeting. It comes and goes. It changes. Just like most other feelings in our lives. Like happiness, like pain. They rise and they pass. They come and go. Sometimes we feel them. Sometimes we don't. I think we need to shift our definitions and expectations of love away from the BS fed to us in music and stories and movies etc. And instead recognize that love comes form one place and one place only. Inside ourselves. That's the only one we can be sure of. Its accepting ourselves for who and where we are, as imperfect and raw and batshit as that may be.
      And I'm so interested in what you say about respect equaling love to you. I had done some reading about how the love vs respect thing tends to fall along gender lines and that for men there is no difference between love and respect. If they don't feel respected they assume they are not loved. (I'm not a fan of gendered discussions in general, but it was eye opening). I suspect that respect is another version of a Love Language. What I'm hearing is that a lack of respect feels like a lack of love to you. That's a really great thing to know about yourself. Because now you can say to the people in your life 'When you do X I feel disrespected and when I feel disrespected I also feel unloved." The people in your life may not get that. They very likely have different love languages.
      Gosh TryingHard, I'm feeling your broken heart in every word you've written. I just want to give you a hug. So I'm sending a big one your way.

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  15. Jules, i know exactly what you mean. In so tired of waking up this way everyday. Im exhausted.

    So angry with myself for need listening to my gut when i had a niggling feeling about the OW, sometimes I want to scream but im just too tired.

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  16. So after reading this the song It's All Only Make Believe is stuck in my head. Hhhmmm seems fitting for my comment. Here's a link to the song and the lyrics.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkLxSHo73Uw

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  17. SS--You and Elle have such a wonderful gift. Thank you so much for your response. I need to reread it.

    I've always been that person who gives more than she gets. With family friends etc. doesn't matter. It's taken me a longggg time to stop doing that. I've been the target of having that loving trait abused mostly because I've learned there is a certain type of person/psychopath/sociopath/disordered character that are drawn to people like me. I kept giving and giving and being nice thinking I could nice/love someone into being nice/loving to me. Doesn't work like that with some people. So yes I do question if I am lovable to others. Because what am I attracting or modeling to others of how I will accept to be treated?

    LOL I have no problem loving myself. I do love myself and I try to treat myself well. And I have also drawn the line in the sand how I expect to be treated. I believe in respect. And maybe I do conjoin both love and respect but I think respect is only one aspect of love especially between spouses. Respect does loom large in my emotional needs.

    LOL no worries about the potty mouth. And actually yes I have taken on the attitude of "fuck those people". And my comment is probably more directed to the relationship I have with my h rather than others. I've come to accept that he is who he is. His actions are very loving but they always were. I can't tell you how many times I have stopped myself when he says "I love you" from saying "and just what does that mean to you?"

    I hope I am lovable.

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