Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Guest Post: Unbroken

by StillStanding1

True healing is not the fixing of the broken, but the rediscovery of the Unbroken. 
~Jeff Foster

We can all be incredibly judgmental of ourselves, of our habits, behaviors, ability to handle situations, believing that we are too emotional or should just somehow be more healed, heal faster, be able to forgive. As if healing or forgiveness is a destination we can arrive at. Where suddenly, all that we perceive as broken, will be fixed, that we will finally be fixed for good and all. Or we believe that others are somehow doing better than we are. Many of us carry the belief that we cannot be whole unless we are perfect, so we always have to fix ourselves in some way.
What we don’t realize is that if we believe we have to fix something about ourselves, the message we are sending is that we are fundamentally broken. Embedded in that message is the idea that if only we were not broken, our lives would somehow be magically transformed, that we’d arrive at a place that felt like healing, or we’d suddenly experience some transformation and be able to forgive. We carry the idea that there is something that if we could just get over, or if we could be more or less of, we would be fixed. This feeling, if it already lay within us, becomes magnified many times over after experiencing our partner’s infidelity.
Maybe we are holding on to this idea that if we are fully healed, sooner or later, we will somehow feel complete, past this, or back to some pre-traumatic state where life was (looking back with rose-colored glasses) better. If this is our belief then we are missing something important – the truth that we are good enough as we are, right now. This can be a difficult idea. It means acceptance. It means letting go of the idea that there’s something we need to fix about ourselves or our situation.
It can be tempting, in the wake of discovery, to look for something to fix. It’s a job that masks our pain. It can look like the “pick me” dance (be more sexy, be less demanding). Or it can sound like “if only he…,” “if I could just forgive…” all of which distracts us from the grief and pain we need to feel and accept.
Acceptance of ourselves, where we are, of our reality paired with compassion, is the place where true change begins. You are not broken. You don’t need to be fixed. You are whole. You are complete exactly as you are. Like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, we’ve all had what we needed all along. If you can begin to believe this about yourself, think about how powerful you can be. And then, instead of trying to “fix” yourself, you can focus on being the you that you are.
The next time you start thinking about something you need to fix, replace those thoughts with, “I am unbroken. I am good enough as I am. I am worthy. I am unbroken.”


14 comments:

  1. Great post ss1 and completely understood xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. How long did it take for you to finally get to the place of acceptance of self? I remember that it took me a couple of years to realize that I was not what needs to be fixed but he needed to fix his own issues! I’m just fine with the way I am because I know it’s the best I can be! One day at a time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Theresa, self acceptance is a daily practice. I'm not sure I'll ever be all the way there, if that makes sense. My training in co-dependence goes waaaaay back. So I have to constantly be aware of self talk and self limiting beliefs. A big cue for me is when I notice I am in judgement of others. This usually means I am back in some bad habits around judging myself. More judgement means less compassion and acceptance. So I have to come back to it over and over.
      One of Pema Chodron's teachings around this really helped me. it was about greeting ourselves each day as on old friend, who's irritating quirks and foibles are accepted with the love of long familiarity. "Still crazy after all these years." For whatever reason, that phrase really helped me turn the corner of self acceptance. I don't need to be anything other than my crazy, lovely self.
      And I don't know if I totally believe, all the time, that I am unbroken. Being the "broken one" was my job in the marriage for so long, it is difficult to get all those cobwebs off me. But the idea is so appealing, and, I believe, from a spiritual perspective, fundamentally true. So I try to bring myself back there as often as I can.

      Delete
  3. Your so loveable ss1, we all are we just need to keep telling ourselves this daily like Pema suggests . : ) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. SS1 this was a great post simple and direct. I have to fight this several times a week. I noticed that something happens I automatically think I did something wrong. Whenever challenged then it must be my error. When I took time to unravel the situation - it was never my fault. Now I'm not so quickly to take blame. With the asshole of the universe it was hard not take the blame automatically. Finally in therapy I said, "ok, smart ass, how in the hell did you think I ended up being a fat critical work-alcoholic bitch? Yes you cherished me, by waking me up at 4am, after I put the kids to bed, did dishes, made lunches, helped with homework etc... and I was exhausted but you wanted sex. Not the check the box sex either. You cherished me so much you went to work one day after my surgery with 3 pins in both feet. I got around just fine. I could go on and on. You cherished me I had a flat tire, called you. Your answer was call so and so. Once I realized all I did to try to have a relationship then I wasn't the bad guy, only then did I laid down the hammer I hit myself in the head with everyday. I love your comments at the end of the post so true. Yes, there was much to fix me about as Elle says a TON and she calls it like it is. SS1 you have been through some terrible shit storms and yet you can write an article like this? I would love to hear how you got there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LLP, I would love to know how I got here too. Then maybe I could start providing that as a coaching service to women in a similar boat, lol.
      Resisting the inner monologue that tells me I am less than is something I have to be mindful off often. I won't say all the time, because it is not all the time anymore. But certain things bring it up. Like if someone else tries to be shitty to me, let's just say a stranger in a store or in a driving situation, I am pretty good at recognizing that they are full of shit and in no way qualified to judge my worth. And I can pass that ball of negative energy right back to them. But when it is a situation where I am emotionally invested, like when my daughter unloads on me and brings up ancient childhood grievances or a romantic interest changes their mind or sends mixed signals, that is some trigger happy shit for me. I start telling myself that I am a shit parent and a garbage person and because it's me saying those things, I tend to believe them. But I am getting slightly better at interrupting that nonsense and being compassionate and kind to myself. Couple of real turning points for me where 1) realizing that if I wasn't nice to me, why would any one else be and that the nicer I am to myself, the easier it is to be nice to others 2) realizing that when I tend to feel judgmental about others, these are often the things I dislike most in myself and maybe I need to be more patient with them and myself for those human failings, 3) that I really don't have to be perfect to deserve love and 4) I don't have to agree with or tell a story about every feeling I am having (i.e. just because I felt attracted to an ex boyfriend and sensed the same in him doesn't mean that I have to pursue getting back together with him, just because I am lonely now doesn't mean I will always be lonely, just because I am angry at my ex doesn't mean I have to act on impulses that will elevate or infuse drama and make the situation worse, etc.)
      Each of those were huge realizations for me that have evolved over time, from coming here, from reading tons of books, working intensely with my therapist to root out family of origin stuff and the later ongoing trauma and issues. I'm only know beginning to understand the long term mental and physical health consequences of living in such a toxic co-dependent relationship. And without much difficulty can see my share in it, because of what I brought with me from childhood. It's tough going but worth the work. I've sort of rambled.
      I think what it boils down to is this: I'm trying to be the kind of person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Because that's certainly reality and I don't want to be bitter or angry or unable to really connect with another human or living a life based on fear. been there. done that. Hugs LLP XOXO

      Delete
  5. I'm just asking this about self-acceptance. Once I got stronger in myself and took control for myself out of his hands back in mine. I discovered, there are is really much about him I just don't like anymore. I mean as a person. I'm still with him, which I can't figure out. I'm not talking about the plain of lethal flatness, after that. I just really don't like him much. I can see more than ever what happened and why. Does anyone else feel like that or is it just me? I"m not going to leave him, for several reasons. I also feel like he is slipping back after 5 years into his old self? I can't figure out it is me or him? Does anyone feel like that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could shed some light. But I'm not in a relationship other than to co parent with the guy that hurt me. But more and more, as I learn about him, how he still lies and manipulates, how he will throw me under the bus with our daughter to deflect the attention or her anger from him (coward), how he still has no real self (the result of childhood abuse) and is always wearing a mask or trying on a persona. So I can see as you spend time with a person, you get to know them more, even with a long time partner. And I'd venture to suggest that you look at him with eyes that are changed by your experience, maybe less tolerant of bullshit and neglect. I'm not saying leave him is the answer, but if you are not happy, if he is not able to meet your needs, let yourself even just entertain the idea. How does that feel in your body? How would you feel being on your own? Free or anxious? Relieved or even more stressed? it sounds like, at a minimum, you and he need to have a discussion, maybe even get in to a marriage counselor and work through some of what you are feeling.

      Delete
    2. OMG - I can see what you mean. I never thought of it like that. Yes, my eyes are changed by my experience and growth. I think I will my therapist alone then will him. You are right I'm less tolerant. I have grown and he has not. Thank you so much.

      Delete
  6. I just thought of this in regard for the need to fix yourself. Imagine your marriage and you did everything totally perfect. Would he still have had an affair? My answer is yes. No matter what I did or didn't do the same answer is yes. That says alot to me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LLP you aren’t alone in this. I’m not as far out so I’m sitting with this feeling to see what’s real and what’s not.

    I am starting to see how much of myself I’ve let go over the years. And I’ve spent the past few weeks figuring out when it happened. I even went to the cemetery last week and had a screaming match with my parents.

    In all honesty - LLP - I wonder if “this guy” will ever be enough to handle the renewed me either. So I suppose it can/does go both ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kimberly, nice to know I'm not alone. I always think of things one way from me to him. I did not think of the other way. You and SS1 put it together. I have been thinking about this for awhile and could never pin it down. Thank you

      Delete
  8. Wounded ... not broken ive chanted this for over 3 years now. Perfection is overated and damn right exhausting! When my world shattered i went thru all of these feelings and realized authentic is a much better use of my energy. I do things i want when i want now or if i dont i don't ... and thats ok ... good enough is a much easier goal line to reach and im a lighter person again.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails