True healing is not the fixing of the broken, but the rediscovery of the Unbroken.
We can all be incredibly judgmental of ourselves, of our habits, behaviors, ability to handle situations, believing that we are too emotional or should just somehow be more healed, heal faster, be able to forgive. As if healing or forgiveness is a destination we can arrive at. Where suddenly, all that we perceive as broken, will be fixed, that we will finally be fixed for good and all. Or we believe that others are somehow doing better than we are. Many of us carry the belief that we cannot be whole unless we are perfect, so we always have to fix ourselves in some way.
What we don’t realize is that if we believe we have to fix something about ourselves, the message we are sending is that we are fundamentally broken. Embedded in that message is the idea that if only we were not broken, our lives would somehow be magically transformed, that we’d arrive at a place that felt like healing, or we’d suddenly experience some transformation and be able to forgive. We carry the idea that there is something that if we could just get over, or if we could be more or less of, we would be fixed. This feeling, if it already lay within us, becomes magnified many times over after experiencing our partner’s infidelity.
Maybe we are holding on to this idea that if we are fully healed, sooner or later, we will somehow feel complete, past this, or back to some pre-traumatic state where life was (looking back with rose-colored glasses) better. If this is our belief then we are missing something important – the truth that we are good enough as we are, right now. This can be a difficult idea. It means acceptance. It means letting go of the idea that there’s something we need to fix about ourselves or our situation.
It can be tempting, in the wake of discovery, to look for something to fix. It’s a job that masks our pain. It can look like the “pick me” dance (be more sexy, be less demanding). Or it can sound like “if only he…,” “if I could just forgive…” all of which distracts us from the grief and pain we need to feel and accept.
Acceptance of ourselves, where we are, of our reality paired with compassion, is the place where true change begins. You are not broken. You don’t need to be fixed. You are whole. You are complete exactly as you are. Like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, we’ve all had what we needed all along. If you can begin to believe this about yourself, think about how powerful you can be. And then, instead of trying to “fix” yourself, you can focus on being the you that you are.
The next time you start thinking about something you need to fix, replace those thoughts with, “I am unbroken. I am good enough as I am. I am worthy. I am unbroken.”