Isn't it funny how we define our worth by our marriages until infidelity hits us and then we discover a whole new us and what being worthy really means.
Yes. I've been reading the book from Brene Brown about the Gifts of Imperfection and I have discovered so much about me reading this book. I can also no relate to my husband better in what he was dealing with while he became unraveled. I totally see things in a different light about his affair. And I can see the OW in better light too. I have been going through this awakening process for about a year in a half now and believe me it is one strange ride to experience.
That's my favourite book of hers. I too saw myself in almost every line. And yes, being able to feel even the teensiest bit of compassion for the OW accelerates our own healing.
This is one of two messages that arrived at just the right time this morning. I needed a gentle reminder (or maybe a swift kick in the butt, LOL) that I am worthy.. I’m in a weird place right now. I think part of it is hormonal and the other part is not taking great care of myself emotionally I’m really struggling a lot with my self image and can’t serm to let go of this notion I have that I need to change myself physically to be a better me. Buried somewhere deep inside is a never ending comparison to the OW. Despite conversation after conversation with my H about how he loves me for who I am and how I look... despite knowing that she could have been anyone... despite knowing that I should love myself for who I am. It’s self-defeating, too, because it’s not possible. She and I are very different and no amount of effort on my part is ever going to make me look like her. I’ve always been hard on myself. My husband’s infidelity (and mid-life) seems to have exacerbated it. When I look back, i realize that as far back as 15 or 16, I had issues with my body. I’m nearly 48 and I keep wondering when I’m going to love myself. What Cathy said above about finding a whole new us struck me... I’m able to see who I am as a person, but I’m hung up on the physical part and I still tend to fall back into judging myself based upon how others treat me. I can’t hold on to unhealthy behavior from the past and become the person I want to be, yet I can’t seem to let it go.
Dandelion I can relate to this SO much. It's Ike the old 'I know what I am supposed to think/do logically' to move forward but it doesn't really help me let go of all that crap and baggage. This whole experience has sort of cemented all my fears and made them into some sort of reality, like they came to life. Before it felt like it was all in my head. This has made me feel like there was some weight to my beliefs. Which I know is not true. The whole experience is so mind bending. Bottom line is I realise I want to be NOTHING like her. In any way shape or form. But I still feel like 'less' even though I know I am not. My head hurts :-(
I've read so many of your posts dandelion and this one tops my list of "me too!!"
I hate it. I hate the comparing. I hate that my husband is so superficial that I see it in eyes still that he thinks she is more then me... better looking better body better stomach, better teeth, better boobs, juat better physically.
But I'm the better mother, better friend, better care giver better partner. And I know that's something. It's what id rather have if given the option bw the two. But I still hate it. I have always been jealous kinda person... a super negative flaw that comes out because of my self esteem I'm sure. I've asked my asshole H to reassure me that he doesn't think she is better then me when I bring her up. Guess what he never does? Never. Ive told him probaby 50 times iver the last year. Its cus he doesnt think that. I really hate him too.
I went through a really peaceful faze over the last year of seeing her as pathetic. Sad lonely and will do anything for attention. Like the really drunk girl at a high school party everyone watches and makes fun of but she thinks they all love her. Then there is the asshole guy that takes advantage of her but he has no other intent but to use and throw her away and lie about even being with her.
That was pretty helpful in allowing me to put the "beauty" she has over me away. Cus who wants to be that girl?!?
Dandelion, The affair might have shone a brighter light on your insecurities but, as you note, they were already there. As my therapist used to remind me, it's not what others say to us, it's what we say to ourselves. I'm glad you notice that voice because that's key to shutting it up. Pay attention to it. And replace it with a voice of compassion. A voice that pays attention to the things about yourself that you do like. Nobody's perfect. But it's always interesting to me that others often hate the things that I (and others!) find absolutely beautiful about them. I saw a young girl sitting outside an ice cream store yesterday. She was breathtaking and she had these big freckles on her face that (as someone who has a face full of freckles) I'm pretty sure she hates. And yet, they were what made her particularly gorgeous rather than garden-variety pretty. See if you can view yourself through more compassionate eyes. And focus on the things that you do like about yourself. It sounds trite but it really does work. And tell your critic to pack her bags.
Dandelion, I understand so much of what you are going through. I'm 55, my husband is 7 years younger and the OW is 38. I used to hold my picture up against her pictures on Facebook and wonder why. What did he see in her. She was no beauty, she drank alot and smoked is over weight and a narcissist. But I still compared myself to her because she called me an old hag. It took me almost 3 years to see her in a different light. I now see her as an unhappy person. She is very narcissistic and has her best friend fight her battles for her. They call people like this flying monkeys. She's a liar and she got exposed for the bad things that she had done especially with what she had done said about me and my h. But I still compared myself to her. After reading your comment I asked my h while having dinner tonight how we were alike. She and I are nothing alike. After a couple of other questions he told me that she wanted to be me, to have my life. And she was going to have it any way she could. So this got me looking back on my life. I realized that I always tried to be perfect. And when we moved away from the OW and started over in a new state that I needed to have the perfect job and the perfect marriage to throw in her face because she watched us all time on Facebook or Instagram as I did her. I wanted her to see the perfect life we had. But that hurt me more in the long run. I now realize after reading this Brene Brown book that being perfect is an illusion. No body is perfect including me, my h and the OW. That these women hide behind what ever it is to make them feel good about themselves. Alcohol for one. Being able to have control over people another. It gives them some kind of control over their life and their insecurities and their own shame. Once I put this all together I realized that I didn't want to be like this anymore. To worry about her and how we compare to each other. That at my age I am who I am supposed to be and that each day gives me something more to be thankful for. That I am beautiful just the way I am, frizzy hair, crows feet and all.
Luly, Blindsided, Elle and Cathy, I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks for your comments. Sometimes, you just need to hear “me too” or to be reminded to be kind to yourself, As I mentioned, I had allowed myself once again to fall back into some negative behaviors all the while justifying to myself why i was doing it. After reading what you all wrote, I decided I needed to stop. I was creating some of my own issues, Approaching one week of conscious decisions to not fall back into the negative stuff and I do feel better. I can’t say with certainty that I won’t have setbacks, but I can remind myself that what I was doing was causing me more harm than good. Another thing that’s become very clear to me recently is that while my husband can be a participant in my healing, a lot of it is up to me. He’s shown remorse, he actively works on being a better person, and he’s made so many changes. But none of that can make what he did go away. I have to stop wishing for a different past. I’ve been so busy holding onto the pain that I’m losing sight of where we both are now. Accepting myself as I am is difficult so I try to remind myself that who I am is actually not so bad. It sounds silly but sometimes as I’m driving to work and my mind drifts to all the areas where I’ve told myself I fall short, I start going through a list of my positive qualities. And honestly, it’s more about who I am than what I look like. Hugs, ladies! ❤️
Hello, I just wanted to check in again as I've not been commenting in a while. Things have all really come to a head in this house. Original d-day and d-day 2 in 2014, patchy repair and then a number of dubious incidents over that time(porn again, no empathy for triggers, disrespect about keep in touch) then culminated with me discovering another inappropriate set of friendships and lunch dates and him metaphorically sticking up the finger to me by going out one night until 2.30am and not keeping in touch ON PURPOSE last september. Since then all out on the table which means facing into his general deceitfullness about many matters including financial, extensive porn use with huge financial outlay in 2004-2006, kiss with ex girlfriend, many inappropriate and hidden friendships. He is in extensive counselling now and finding that all these things are a pattern of conflict avoidance, poor intimacy and ways of making himself feel good while avoiding true authenticity. He has betrayed himself, made himself into a shadow self, he has betrayed me, atrophied me into someone I was not, relating to me through layers rather than reality for much of our 20 year marriage. It is not a pretty picture, it needs to be mourned. While researching the effects of trauma on the body I found Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD all about how abuse in childhood contributes to the messages we continue to tell ourselves later on. Its revelationary both for my husband and myself. While not wanting to accuse my parents of abuse I definitely identify with many of the effects of the negative and critical parenting I received. I feel far from 'perfect', I can now hear how I feel I'm doing everything wrong, feel guilt for doing what I feel I want to do for myself, I have noted how my fear of doing wrong (I hear my mother's voice in my ears) has made me so fearful my whole life. I have to mourn what both my childhood and this affair have made me while trying to become stronger and not feel utterly bereft (as I often do) that at 48 I'm not strong or confident and feel I've wasted my life in fear. I still feel a weight on my chest, all I must work through, grieve and accept (even beyond that awful bereavement of my young nephew.) I've become very isolated and withdrawn over the last few years. I need to try to reach out to friends again (even though I often can't tell them the full truth of what I'm going through) and I need to connect here with you all who can hear the full extent of what has happened and understand.
Oh Fragments, It sounds as if it's all been crashing down. And I'm so sorry for that but I'm also hopeful because when everything has crashed, there's no need to try and save anything. You just get to rebuild your life on a much stronger foundation. Like you, I hesitate to call my childhood abusive and yet, that's exactly what therapists call it. Emotional neglect. Me having to parent my parents. And though I thought I'd healed from a lot of that, betrayal ripped that wound wide open and it became clear that there was still a lot of work to be done. Yes, you're 48. And the time to heal is now. You've got decades ahead of you where you can treat yourself as if you have value, as if your worth isn't dependent on whether others value you. Like I wrote to Dandelion (above), pay close attention to those voices that catalogue everything you're doing "wrong". Start telling those voices to be quiet, that you're doing your very best. Send them away. And begin cultivating a voice of compassion for yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would to a dear friend going through a tough time. Be your own friend through this. FOH, our parents' issues become our issues until we stop the cycle. We want to teach our own children something better. WE want something better. You can have that. And it begins by recognizing your inherent value and then creating boundaries that respect yourself. Not easy...but you can do this. We're with you every step of the way.
I just discovered this amazing blog. I learned of my H's five year obsessive, insanely costly affair with a worthless individual he works with a few weeks ago. We got back from a day celebrating our 27th anniversay and I had to get the news from my daughter that he was seen with this awful woman the day before. I have been an emotional basket case ever since. A few days ago I was handcuffed and put in a police car to be brought to the hospital. They say I tried to throw myself onto a busy road. I'm not even sure if that was my intention.
I am in no position to leave him as I have a chronic illness and cannot make a living. So I'm stuck, doing the obligatory marriage counselling and thinking it's just a waste of time because forgiveness probably isn't possible, meaning we'll be married in name only. He is getting therapy for his depression, sex/porn addiction, alcoholism and intimacy avoidance. This heartless bastard was so done with me that he didn't even use condoms with his dumb as a brick mistress (aka the Whore of Babble-On), knowing all the while that my immune system is compromised, meaning an STD could be extremely dangerous. His favorite porn (written garbage) was a story about a woman who was an obvious stand-in for me that included being blindfolded, chained to a pole, put on a filthy mattress and raped. He has fantasized about forcibly sodomizing me for a long time. I just learned of this vileness a few days ago but have known something was wrong with him sexually for many years. He has to objectify me and fetishize in order to get off, making sex an emotionally destructive experience for me. Many nights I have cried while he lay beside me sleeping. He ignored my anguish and eventually I just went dead inside myself for a long time. But I came to my senses, woke up and began pushing for marriage counselling, only to discover that he had no reason to change because he had his back-up sex object in this unattractive, completely uninteresting slag he actually found sexier and more enjoyable to be with than me. What an epic jackass.
I do often want to die, but I can't hurt my family in order to end my agony. So here I am, living with a man who, on some level, must absolutely despise me and despise all women. He has been sexually aggressive and demanding in the past, straying over the line into abusive behavior. Naturally, there's also been the usual emotional abuse; gaslighting, threats of divorce when I challenge his behavior, withholding, disconnection, passive-aggressive digs at me, etc. Yet he is a gentle and egalitarian person with everyone else and has also been that way with me much of the time. The inconsistency really messes with my head. I know he was warped by early exposure to porn and a rape attempt on him. He deadened his empathy for others in order to not feel his own pain and he learned to eroticize aggression and degradation. He also had an emotionally abusive/neglectful upbringing which he was in denial about. Still, it's no excuse. He's a supposedly intelligent man in his 50's who could have, should have, sought help for his issues many years ago. Since he wouldn't, his angst reached critical mass and he inevitably betrayed, humiliated and abandoned me to a desperate, lonely existence while he partied like a frat boy with his gross "work spouse" and assorted dipsomaniac bar buddies. I'm now in the role of aiding this sick, lying, cheating fool's recovery by helping to keep him from binge drinking, whoring around and compulsively masturbating to disgusting, misogynistic "erotica". He has pledged to give up these addictions and work hard in therapy, but he won't succeed without my support. I can't believe this is my life. I am the guardian angel to my own destroyer.
I appreciated reading all your stories. Clearly, I'm far from alone in this kind of marital horror show.
Lisa, I'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. You have experienced trauma in this marriage and your suicide attempt or attempt to express your pain is the consequence of that. Are you in individual therapy? It sounds as though that's where you should start. For one thing, it is not nor will it EVER be your job to control your husband's behaviour. In fact, you shouldn't be. You shouldn't be "keeping him" from doing anything that's part of HIS recovery. Managing his recovery is codependent behaviour and puts you in a role that you shouldn't be in. He should have sponsors within a 12-step group or his own counsellor to play that role. As for your marriage, if leaving is absolutely not an option (and I"m wondering why it isn't. Would you not be entitled to marital assets?), then put any thoughts of your marriage on the back burner. Focus on healing yourself while your husband focuses on healing himself. It sounds as though he has a LOT of early trauma to heal. You might find yourself surprised at the level of compassion you're able to feel for him IF he does the hard work of healing himself and making amends for the pain he's caused you. I never imagined I could feel anything but contempt for my husband (also porn/sex addiction) and yet, here I am, 10 years later. He's my husband and best friend. But...put that aside. Right now, your focus absolutely must be on treating your pain and your trauma. It must be on your own health -- physical and mental. This is a long road. But you are clearly a strong, smart woman. You can do this. We have a saying on this site. Just focus on your Next Right Step. Don't worry about next week, or next year. Just do what your Next Right Step is. Maybe that's take a nap. Maybe it's meet with a lawyer to figure out what an exit plan might look like. Maybe it's an online course to upgrade skills. Maybe it's a massage. Whatever it is, it's about taking care of you. And we're always here. We know the pain you're in. The women here are so kind and so wise and so full of support and compassion. You're among friends.
Hi Elle. Thankyou so much for your kind words. The situation has deteriorated even further. He now admits he planned to divorce me as soon as it was financially viable, but abandoned the plan when he realized she would never leave her husband. He says he stopped loving me seven years ago when he became depressed. He was not planning to take care of me as my illness worsened, but thought he would do so with her. She is also ill and her long term prognosis is worse. Medication keeps her functional at work for now but she is an extreme, unrepentant alcoholic. This will cause her to deteriorate more rapidly than I will. She knows this and drinks anyway, despite having two children. So he would have abandoned a sick wife and daughter for a terrible person who was going to die in the not too distant future. Crazy,right? He was in the grip of an obsession. He thought his sadness was due to being with the wrong woman and that she was the right one who would make it all better.
The financial situation is this: yes, I have marital assets but they are not currently sufficient to cover my living expenses and medical costs plus those of my daughter, who has cerebral palsy and mental illness. I must wait until the house is paid off. Then I get the house and half his pension. This is why I must help him get well. If he goes down the rabbit hole into addiction, we all lose. He will drink until he can no longer function at work. The house and car get repoed, etc. So I have to be pragmatic. I know for a certainty that if he leaves this home he will begin drinking again and it will be much worse. We were separated many years ago and that's exactly what happened.
I am seeing a therapist soon. Just waiting for an appointment.
You're right in that I do feel compassion for him. He is emotionally more ill than I am physically. He needs help to get sober and deal with his depression and has nobody else. 12 steps are not working for him because they insist he give up control to a higher power in order to move through the steps. We are both firm, unmovable agnostics. Nobody is offering to sponsor him, probably because they are all Christians. He has to bow his head for the Lord's Prayer at every meeting, which only causes more stress. His friends are all drunks so I'm all he has.
Lisa, See if he can find a 12-step group that isn't rooted in a Christian god. There are many agnostics for whom the "higher power" isn't a deity. You might find this conversation interesting: https://www.quora.com/What-could-an-atheist-use-as-a-higher-power-in-12-step-recovery It's possible that he's using his agnosticism as an excuse to not go. My husband, a bitter ex-Catholic balked at the "higher power" stuff but nonetheless took what worked for him from the 12 steps and left what didn't. It's possible. In any case, it sounds as if you've got a ton on your plate. I hope your therapy appointment comes quickly and I hope, in the meantime, you're practising self-care and self-kindness. You need it.
Lisa, wow just wow I’m lost for words. But I would like to say I’m so glad you found this site it will no doubt be a god send the next few days, weeks and months to come. I don’t think I was anywhere as clear as you when I first found out about my now ex h affair just over 5 years ago. You know so much about your h previous and current behaviour this will surely help you understand why he is acting out now and hopefully give you an idea of what help this man needs. You say you can’t leave him because of your illness which I understand but is their room in your house to give you some space away from him. I know we all go through the stage of hysterical bonding soon after discovery but once that dies down you might find you want some space. Are you in any counselling? You sound like you need to offload a lot of your h baggage onto a therapist who can help you sort through this and help you heal from what sounds like a difficult 27 years. My ex h has some of the traits you describe and the other soft side too which is prob what kept me in the marriage for 17 years. Lisa you say you was handcuffed for attempting to throw yourself in the road I can’t imagine how you was feeling at that time, I’m just relieved you were rescued. Lisa this is the time you must take care of you, rest when you can, journal like you have here it’s brillisnt to read back in weeks to come and reflect on how far you have come, eat little and often dry foods tend to stay down, go for a gentle walk just take some time to just be. Tomorrow can wait Lisa just get through today and do the same again tomorrow .. I hope I have helped. You will be ok .., sam xxx
Hi Sam. Unfortunately we live in a small house with no possibility of separate accommodation. However, we do have separate bedrooms and this helps.
I get what you mean about your ex. They can be so sweet that it gives you false hope and you stay. The inconsistency confuses you and makes you doubt your own perceptions.
I will be seeing a therapist and I am relieved to have found this site and all the lovely women here. Your kindness and validation helps. I am going day by day but each new day has brought another shocking revelation as I find more evidence. He didn't even try to cover his tracks. I'll get through.it eventually, but how could I forgive? Impossible.
Lisa How terribly sad I feel for you. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Yes the pain is real, but it will lessen in time. Time is critical with us BWs. We are all here and still surviving. We all want the pain to go away and we all wish we had that magic cure to erase it all - but there is none. But there is the support here of us who are dealing with this in many ways. And I hope you are getting support with your own IC. I am so sorry you feel stuck and your illness is keeping you there. Financial pressure/abuse is real, and I do not have any answers for you here - hopefully others will. Hugs to you Gabby xo
Thanks Gabby. I doubt I will do anything like that again. I have been through most of the shocks now. The next step is recovering from the trauma with a therapist and the support of my family.
Lisa, we all understand this pain is like no other you have experienced. Just know these are the toughest days but they will get better. Please don’t hurt yourself. You are worthy. You are special. You are important to so many people. Come to this site as often as you can. These women have tremendous insight and wisdom for all you are going through. Also go back and read all the posts from months back. I find them very helpful too. For me at this stage, the most important thing was giving myself permission to do whatever I needed to do (with the exception of hurting myself or someone else). Sleep all day if you need to. Call in sick to work if you want to. Don’t go to a function even though you RSVP’d weeks earlier if you don’t feel like going. Don’t return phone calls. Give yourself permission to do what you want, to do what makes you feel better at that moment. It’s ok. I think that is the greatest gift you can give yourself at this time. Allow yourself to grieve. Sit in the sun whenever possible. Eat healthy. Don’t drink alcohol Find a therapist who specializes in infidelity and go often. And know that you are not alone! LilyLove ❤️
Lily, that is good advice. I never drink alcohol and have always had excellent health habits. I will do what I need to do to feel better. I have also been reading old posts and they are helpful. When I read the replies from you kind, compassionate people, I started to cry because finally, somebody gets it and has validated my truth. It was never about my deficiencies. It was about his all along. I can't thank you all enough.
Isn't it funny how we define our worth by our marriages until infidelity hits us and then we discover a whole new us and what being worthy really means.
ReplyDeleteIf by "funny" you mean "awesome" then, hell yes!!! ;)
DeleteYes. I've been reading the book from Brene Brown about the Gifts of Imperfection and I have discovered so much about me reading this book. I can also no relate to my husband better in what he was dealing with while he became unraveled. I totally see things in a different light about his affair. And I can see the OW in better light too. I have been going through this awakening process for about a year in a half now and believe me it is one strange ride to experience.
DeleteThat's my favourite book of hers. I too saw myself in almost every line. And yes, being able to feel even the teensiest bit of compassion for the OW accelerates our own healing.
DeleteThis is one of two messages that arrived at just the right time this morning. I needed a gentle reminder (or maybe a swift kick in the butt, LOL) that I am worthy.. I’m in a weird place right now. I think part of it is hormonal and the other part is not taking great care of myself emotionally I’m really struggling a lot with my self image and can’t serm to let go of this notion I have that I need to change myself physically to be a better me. Buried somewhere deep inside is a never ending comparison to the OW. Despite conversation after conversation with my H about how he loves me for who I am and how I look... despite knowing that she could have been anyone... despite knowing that I should love myself for who I am. It’s self-defeating, too, because it’s not possible. She and I are very different and no amount of effort on my part is ever going to make me look like her. I’ve always been hard on myself. My husband’s infidelity (and mid-life) seems to have exacerbated it. When I look back, i realize that as far back as 15 or 16, I had issues with my body. I’m nearly 48 and I keep wondering when I’m going to love myself. What Cathy said above about finding a whole new us struck me... I’m able to see who I am as a person, but I’m hung up on the physical part and I still tend to fall back into judging myself based upon how others treat me. I can’t hold on to unhealthy behavior from the past and become the person I want to be, yet I can’t seem to let it go.
ReplyDeleteDandelion I can relate to this SO much. It's Ike the old 'I know what I am supposed to think/do logically' to move forward but it doesn't really help me let go of all that crap and baggage. This whole experience has sort of cemented all my fears and made them into some sort of reality, like they came to life. Before it felt like it was all in my head. This has made me feel like there was some weight to my beliefs. Which I know is not true. The whole experience is so mind bending. Bottom line is I realise I want to be NOTHING like her. In any way shape or form. But I still feel like 'less' even though I know I am not. My head hurts :-(
DeleteI've read so many of your posts dandelion and this one tops my list of "me too!!"
DeleteI hate it. I hate the comparing. I hate that my husband is so superficial that I see it in eyes still that he thinks she is more then me... better looking better body better stomach, better teeth, better boobs, juat better physically.
But I'm the better mother, better friend, better care giver better partner. And I know that's something. It's what id rather have if given the option bw the two. But I still hate it. I have always been jealous kinda person... a super negative flaw that comes out because of my self esteem I'm sure. I've asked my asshole H to reassure me that he doesn't think she is better then me when I bring her up. Guess what he never does? Never. Ive told him probaby 50 times iver the last year. Its cus he doesnt think that. I really hate him too.
I went through a really peaceful faze over the last year of seeing her as pathetic. Sad lonely and will do anything for attention. Like the really drunk girl at a high school party everyone watches and makes fun of but she thinks they all love her. Then there is the asshole guy that takes advantage of her but he has no other intent but to use and throw her away and lie about even being with her.
That was pretty helpful in allowing me to put the "beauty" she has over me away. Cus who wants to be that girl?!?
But who wants to be married to that guy ....
Blahhh not me.
Dandelion,
DeleteThe affair might have shone a brighter light on your insecurities but, as you note, they were already there. As my therapist used to remind me, it's not what others say to us, it's what we say to ourselves. I'm glad you notice that voice because that's key to shutting it up. Pay attention to it. And replace it with a voice of compassion. A voice that pays attention to the things about yourself that you do like. Nobody's perfect. But it's always interesting to me that others often hate the things that I (and others!) find absolutely beautiful about them. I saw a young girl sitting outside an ice cream store yesterday. She was breathtaking and she had these big freckles on her face that (as someone who has a face full of freckles) I'm pretty sure she hates. And yet, they were what made her particularly gorgeous rather than garden-variety pretty.
See if you can view yourself through more compassionate eyes. And focus on the things that you do like about yourself. It sounds trite but it really does work. And tell your critic to pack her bags.
Dandelion,
DeleteI understand so much of what you are going through. I'm 55, my husband is 7 years younger and the OW is 38. I used to hold my picture up against her pictures on Facebook and wonder why. What did he see in her. She was no beauty, she drank alot and smoked is over weight and a narcissist. But I still compared myself to her because she called me an old hag. It took me almost 3 years to see her in a different light. I now see her as an unhappy person. She is very narcissistic and has her best friend fight her battles for her. They call people like this flying monkeys. She's a liar and she got exposed for the bad things that she had done especially with what she had done said about me and my h. But I still compared myself to her. After reading your comment I asked my h while having dinner tonight how we were alike. She and I are nothing alike. After a couple of other questions he told me that she wanted to be me, to have my life. And she was going to have it any way she could. So this got me looking back on my life.
I realized that I always tried to be perfect. And when we moved away from the OW and started over in a new state that I needed to have the perfect job and the perfect marriage to throw in her face because she watched us all time on Facebook or Instagram as I did her. I wanted her to see the perfect life we had. But that hurt me more in the long run. I now realize after reading this Brene Brown book that being perfect is an illusion. No body is perfect including me, my h and the OW. That these women hide behind what ever it is to make them feel good about themselves. Alcohol for one. Being able to have control over people another. It gives them some kind of control over their life and their insecurities and their own shame. Once I put this all together I realized that I didn't want to be like this anymore. To worry about her and how we compare to each other. That at my age I am who I am supposed to be and that each day gives me something more to be thankful for. That I am beautiful just the way I am, frizzy hair, crows feet and all.
Luly, Blindsided, Elle and Cathy,
DeleteI just wanted to take a moment to say thanks for your comments. Sometimes, you just need to hear “me too” or to be reminded to be kind to yourself,
As I mentioned, I had allowed myself once again to fall back into some negative behaviors all the while justifying to myself why i was doing it. After reading what you all wrote, I decided I needed to stop. I was creating some of my own issues, Approaching one week of conscious decisions to not fall back into the negative stuff and I do feel better. I can’t say with certainty that I won’t have setbacks, but I can remind myself that what I was doing was causing me more harm than good.
Another thing that’s become very clear to me recently is that while my husband can be a participant in my healing, a lot of it is up to me. He’s shown remorse, he actively works on being a better person, and he’s made so many changes. But none of that can make what he did go away. I have to stop wishing for a different past. I’ve been so busy holding onto the pain that I’m losing sight of where we both are now.
Accepting myself as I am is difficult so I try to remind myself that who I am is actually not so bad. It sounds silly but sometimes as I’m driving to work and my mind drifts to all the areas where I’ve told myself I fall short, I start going through a list of my positive qualities. And honestly, it’s more about who I am than what I look like.
Hugs, ladies! ❤️
Hello yes!
ReplyDeleteHello, I just wanted to check in again as I've not been commenting in a while. Things have all really come to a head in this house. Original d-day and d-day 2 in 2014, patchy repair and then a number of dubious incidents over that time(porn again, no empathy for triggers, disrespect about keep in touch) then culminated with me discovering another inappropriate set of friendships and lunch dates and him metaphorically sticking up the finger to me by going out one night until 2.30am and not keeping in touch ON PURPOSE last september. Since then all out on the table which means facing into his general deceitfullness about many matters including financial, extensive porn use with huge financial outlay in 2004-2006, kiss with ex girlfriend, many inappropriate and hidden friendships. He is in extensive counselling now and finding that all these things are a pattern of conflict avoidance, poor intimacy and ways of making himself feel good while avoiding true authenticity. He has betrayed himself, made himself into a shadow self, he has betrayed me, atrophied me into someone I was not, relating to me through layers rather than reality for much of our 20 year marriage. It is not a pretty picture, it needs to be mourned. While researching the effects of trauma on the body I found Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD all about how abuse in childhood contributes to the messages we continue to tell ourselves later on. Its revelationary both for my husband and myself. While not wanting to accuse my parents of abuse I definitely identify with many of the effects of the negative and critical parenting I received. I feel far from 'perfect', I can now hear how I feel I'm doing everything wrong, feel guilt for doing what I feel I want to do for myself, I have noted how my fear of doing wrong (I hear my mother's voice in my ears) has made me so fearful my whole life. I have to mourn what both my childhood and this affair have made me while trying to become stronger and not feel utterly bereft (as I often do) that at 48 I'm not strong or confident and feel I've wasted my life in fear. I still feel a weight on my chest, all I must work through, grieve and accept (even beyond that awful bereavement of my young nephew.) I've become very isolated and withdrawn over the last few years. I need to try to reach out to friends again (even though I often can't tell them the full truth of what I'm going through) and I need to connect here with you all who can hear the full extent of what has happened and understand.
ReplyDeleteOh Fragments,
DeleteIt sounds as if it's all been crashing down. And I'm so sorry for that but I'm also hopeful because when everything has crashed, there's no need to try and save anything. You just get to rebuild your life on a much stronger foundation.
Like you, I hesitate to call my childhood abusive and yet, that's exactly what therapists call it. Emotional neglect. Me having to parent my parents.
And though I thought I'd healed from a lot of that, betrayal ripped that wound wide open and it became clear that there was still a lot of work to be done.
Yes, you're 48. And the time to heal is now. You've got decades ahead of you where you can treat yourself as if you have value, as if your worth isn't dependent on whether others value you.
Like I wrote to Dandelion (above), pay close attention to those voices that catalogue everything you're doing "wrong". Start telling those voices to be quiet, that you're doing your very best. Send them away. And begin cultivating a voice of compassion for yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would to a dear friend going through a tough time. Be your own friend through this.
FOH, our parents' issues become our issues until we stop the cycle. We want to teach our own children something better. WE want something better.
You can have that. And it begins by recognizing your inherent value and then creating boundaries that respect yourself. Not easy...but you can do this.
We're with you every step of the way.
I just discovered this amazing blog. I learned of my H's five year obsessive, insanely costly affair with a worthless individual he works with a few weeks ago. We got back from a day celebrating our 27th anniversay and I had to get the news from my daughter that he was seen with this awful woman the day before. I have been an emotional basket case ever since.
ReplyDeleteA few days ago I was handcuffed and put in a police car to be brought to the hospital. They say I tried to throw myself onto a busy road. I'm not even sure if that was my intention.
I am in no position to leave him as I have a chronic illness and cannot make a living. So I'm stuck, doing the obligatory marriage counselling and thinking it's just a waste of time because forgiveness probably isn't possible, meaning we'll be married in name only. He is getting therapy for his depression, sex/porn addiction, alcoholism and intimacy avoidance. This heartless bastard was so done with me that he didn't even use condoms with his dumb as a brick mistress (aka the Whore of Babble-On), knowing all the while that my immune system is compromised, meaning an STD could be extremely dangerous. His favorite porn (written garbage) was a story about a woman who was an obvious stand-in for me that included being blindfolded, chained to a pole, put on a filthy mattress and raped. He has fantasized about forcibly sodomizing me for a long time. I just learned of this vileness a few days ago but have known something was wrong with him sexually for many years. He has to objectify me and fetishize in order to get off, making sex an emotionally destructive experience for me. Many nights I have cried while he lay beside me sleeping. He ignored my anguish and eventually I just went dead inside myself for a long time. But I came to my senses, woke up and began pushing for marriage counselling, only to discover that he had no reason to change because he had his back-up sex object in this unattractive, completely uninteresting slag he actually found sexier and more enjoyable to be with than me. What an epic jackass.
I do often want to die, but I can't hurt my family in order to end my agony. So here I am, living with a man who, on some level, must absolutely despise me and despise all women. He has been sexually aggressive and demanding in the past, straying over the line into abusive behavior. Naturally, there's also been the usual emotional abuse; gaslighting, threats of divorce when I challenge his behavior, withholding, disconnection, passive-aggressive digs at me, etc. Yet he is a gentle and egalitarian person with everyone else and has also been that way with me much of the time. The inconsistency really messes with my head. I know he was warped by early exposure to porn and a rape attempt on him. He deadened his empathy for others in order to not feel his own pain and he learned to eroticize aggression and degradation. He also had an emotionally abusive/neglectful upbringing which he was in denial about. Still, it's no excuse. He's a supposedly intelligent man in his 50's who could have, should have, sought help for his issues many years ago. Since he wouldn't, his angst reached critical mass and he inevitably betrayed, humiliated and abandoned me to a desperate, lonely existence while he partied like a frat boy with his gross "work spouse" and assorted dipsomaniac bar buddies.
I'm now in the role of aiding this sick, lying, cheating fool's recovery by helping to keep him from binge drinking, whoring around and compulsively masturbating to disgusting, misogynistic "erotica". He has pledged to give up these addictions and work hard in therapy, but he won't succeed without my support.
I can't believe this is my life. I am the guardian angel to my own destroyer.
I appreciated reading all your stories.
Clearly, I'm far from alone in this kind of marital horror show.
Lisa,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. You have experienced trauma in this marriage and your suicide attempt or attempt to express your pain is the consequence of that. Are you in individual therapy? It sounds as though that's where you should start. For one thing, it is not nor will it EVER be your job to control your husband's behaviour. In fact, you shouldn't be. You shouldn't be "keeping him" from doing anything that's part of HIS recovery. Managing his recovery is codependent behaviour and puts you in a role that you shouldn't be in. He should have sponsors within a 12-step group or his own counsellor to play that role.
As for your marriage, if leaving is absolutely not an option (and I"m wondering why it isn't. Would you not be entitled to marital assets?), then put any thoughts of your marriage on the back burner. Focus on healing yourself while your husband focuses on healing himself. It sounds as though he has a LOT of early trauma to heal. You might find yourself surprised at the level of compassion you're able to feel for him IF he does the hard work of healing himself and making amends for the pain he's caused you. I never imagined I could feel anything but contempt for my husband (also porn/sex addiction) and yet, here I am, 10 years later. He's my husband and best friend. But...put that aside.
Right now, your focus absolutely must be on treating your pain and your trauma. It must be on your own health -- physical and mental. This is a long road. But you are clearly a strong, smart woman. You can do this.
We have a saying on this site. Just focus on your Next Right Step. Don't worry about next week, or next year. Just do what your Next Right Step is. Maybe that's take a nap. Maybe it's meet with a lawyer to figure out what an exit plan might look like. Maybe it's an online course to upgrade skills. Maybe it's a massage. Whatever it is, it's about taking care of you.
And we're always here. We know the pain you're in. The women here are so kind and so wise and so full of support and compassion. You're among friends.
Hi Elle. Thankyou so much for your kind words.
DeleteThe situation has deteriorated even further. He now admits he planned to divorce me as soon as it was financially viable, but abandoned the plan when he realized she would never leave her husband. He says he stopped loving me seven years ago when he became depressed. He was not planning to take care of me as my illness worsened, but thought he would do so with her. She is also ill and her long term prognosis is worse. Medication keeps her functional at work for now but she is an extreme, unrepentant alcoholic. This will cause her to deteriorate more rapidly than I will. She knows this and drinks anyway, despite having two children.
So he would have abandoned a sick wife and daughter for a terrible person who was going to die in the not too distant future. Crazy,right? He was in the grip of an obsession. He thought his sadness was due to being with the wrong woman and that she was the right one who would make it all better.
The financial situation is this: yes, I have marital assets but they are not currently sufficient to cover my living expenses and medical costs plus those of my daughter, who has cerebral palsy and mental illness. I must wait until the house is paid off. Then I get the house and half his pension.
This is why I must help him get well. If he goes down the rabbit hole into addiction, we all lose. He will drink until he can no longer function at work. The house and car get repoed, etc. So I have to be pragmatic. I know for a certainty that if he leaves this home he will begin drinking again and it will be much worse. We were separated many years ago and that's exactly what happened.
I am seeing a therapist soon. Just waiting for an appointment.
You're right in that I do feel compassion for him. He is emotionally more ill than I am physically. He needs help to get sober and deal with his depression and has nobody else. 12 steps are not working for him because they insist he give up control to a higher power in order to move through the steps. We are both firm, unmovable agnostics. Nobody is offering to sponsor him, probably because they are all Christians. He has to bow his head for the Lord's Prayer at every meeting, which only causes more stress. His friends are all drunks so I'm all he has.
Thanks again for your reply.
Lisa,
DeleteSee if he can find a 12-step group that isn't rooted in a Christian god. There are many agnostics for whom the "higher power" isn't a deity. You might find this conversation interesting: https://www.quora.com/What-could-an-atheist-use-as-a-higher-power-in-12-step-recovery
It's possible that he's using his agnosticism as an excuse to not go. My husband, a bitter ex-Catholic balked at the "higher power" stuff but nonetheless took what worked for him from the 12 steps and left what didn't. It's possible.
In any case, it sounds as if you've got a ton on your plate. I hope your therapy appointment comes quickly and I hope, in the meantime, you're practising self-care and self-kindness. You need it.
Actually he is going. He's just finding it uncomfortable to talk about step 2.
DeleteThanks for the link.
Lisa, wow just wow I’m lost for words. But I would like to say I’m so glad you found this site it will no doubt be a god send the next few days, weeks and months to come. I don’t think I was anywhere as clear as you when I first found out about my now ex h affair just over 5 years ago. You know so much about your h previous and current behaviour this will surely help you understand why he is acting out now and hopefully give you an idea of what help this man needs. You say you can’t leave him because of your illness which I understand but is their room in your house to give you some space away from him. I know we all go through the stage of hysterical bonding soon after discovery but once that dies down you might find you want some space. Are you in any counselling? You sound like you need to offload a lot of your h baggage onto a therapist who can help you sort through this and help you heal from what sounds like a difficult 27 years. My ex h has some of the traits you describe and the other soft side too which is prob what kept me in the marriage for 17 years. Lisa you say you was handcuffed for attempting to throw yourself in the road I can’t imagine how you was feeling at that time, I’m just relieved you were rescued. Lisa this is the time you must take care of you, rest when you can, journal like you have here it’s brillisnt to read back in weeks to come and reflect on how far you have come, eat little and often dry foods tend to stay down, go for a gentle walk just take some time to just be. Tomorrow can wait Lisa just get through today and do the same again tomorrow .. I hope I have helped. You will be ok .., sam xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Sam. Unfortunately we live in a small house with no possibility of separate accommodation. However, we do have separate bedrooms and this helps.
DeleteI get what you mean about your ex. They can be so sweet that it gives you false hope and you stay. The inconsistency confuses you and makes you doubt your own perceptions.
I will be seeing a therapist and I am relieved to have found this site and all the lovely women here. Your kindness and validation helps. I am going day by day but each new day has brought another shocking revelation as I find more evidence. He didn't even try to cover his tracks. I'll get through.it eventually, but how could I forgive? Impossible.
Lisa
ReplyDeleteHow terribly sad I feel for you. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Yes the pain is real, but it will lessen in time. Time is critical with us BWs. We are all here and still surviving. We all want the pain to go away and we all wish we had that magic cure to erase it all - but there is none. But there is the support here of us who are dealing with this in many ways. And I hope you are getting support with your own IC. I am so sorry you feel stuck and your illness is keeping you there. Financial pressure/abuse is real, and I do not have any answers for you here - hopefully others will.
Hugs to you
Gabby xo
Thanks Gabby. I doubt I will do anything like that again. I have been through most of the shocks now. The next step is recovering from the trauma with a therapist and the support of my family.
DeleteLisa, we all understand this pain is like no other you have experienced. Just know these are the toughest days but they will get better. Please don’t hurt yourself. You are worthy. You are special. You are important to so many people.
ReplyDeleteCome to this site as often as you can. These women have tremendous insight and wisdom for all you are going through. Also go back and read all the posts from months back. I find them very helpful too.
For me at this stage, the most important thing was giving myself permission to do whatever I needed to do (with the exception of hurting myself or someone else). Sleep all day if you need to. Call in sick to work if you want to. Don’t go to a function even though you RSVP’d weeks earlier if you don’t feel like going. Don’t return phone calls. Give yourself permission to do what you want, to do what makes you feel better at that moment. It’s ok. I think that is the greatest gift you can give yourself at this time.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Sit in the sun whenever possible.
Eat healthy.
Don’t drink alcohol
Find a therapist who specializes in infidelity and go often.
And know that you are not alone!
LilyLove ❤️
Lily, that is good advice. I never drink alcohol and have always had excellent health habits. I will do what I need to do to feel better.
DeleteI have also been reading old posts and they are helpful.
When I read the replies from you kind, compassionate people, I started to cry because finally, somebody gets it and has validated my truth. It was never about my deficiencies. It was about his all along.
I can't thank you all enough.