I just started reading "The Body Keeps Score" and I have already had a bunch of new aha moments. I think especially the parts about where a partner with PTSD can never be fully in the relationship and then the other partner gets really depressed as a result (or in part because of). They were talking about Vietnam veterans, but it also applies to survivors of childhood abuse who did not get help and carry that trauma around with them. Or children of alcoholics. So my ex and I both came in carrying those things. And so no wonder I was depressed. There are parallels with triggers and traumatizing ourselves in acts or retribution which I won't go into here because, well, it's heavy and I don't want to. But it has even more helped me get some clarity around what happened with me and him and us. And that, tragically, it all fits the pattern of response to trauma. Then I read that children of depressed mothers grow up insecure and anxious. Holy shit. At first, I was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. Because I was one depressed mother. And both my kids are highly anxious. I don't know about the insecure, but I bet that's somewhat the case. And then I think about it and I'm getting mad. Why is all that put on just the mother? What about the whole family system? What about an emotionally absent father? Does that contribute to anxiety? Like I'm feminist rage grade mad about how they dropped that line in the book and then casually moved on. As if every person ever who has been a mom is not going to read that and think "oh shit". So I am trying to just sit with the idea that yes my depression contributed to my kids' anxiety and challenges, but so did my ex's stuff. So did genetics. So did growing up in a weird, digital world. So did living in our western culture etc. etc. And also, I've been working on fixing my stuff, am so much more stable and have become the calm center for my kids. 'm modeling boundaries, which makes everyone feel safer and clearer. But part of me still wants to race to the internet and the library and find the research that talks about how to reverse the effects of being or having a depressed mom. Not everything is mine to fix, but I feel like this one is. This one is something I want to do what I can to correct. And I'm still mad about it.
For what it's worth, SS1, I was NOT depressed and two of my three kids' have clinical anxiety. So brain chemistry plays a big role in that. Despite having an alcoholic, addicted, absentee mother, I never had anxiety like they do. I got anxious sure...but didn't have anxiety, if you know what I mean. I think it's far more a consequence of a highly connected world in which kids are bombarded with news and information that's often frightening. Our world is one fire thanks to the climate crisis so there's another part of me that thinks it's the anxious people who are the only ones who really recognize the stakes here. They're the proverbial canaries in the coal mine. All you can do now, regardless, is exactly what you're doing. Face your own stuff, work through it and model resilience and self-empowerment. You are showing them, every single day, what's possible with a clear-eyed assessment and willingness to access help.
I am a trauma geek since before d-day. Highly recommend Gabor Mate who talks about how our modern lifestyles create anxiety because the promote disconnection. One of the things I know that contributed to my own teenager's anxiety (who I think is wired for it as she is acutely sensitive to the world) is that her spaciness was hard to deal with (especially when I had a disconnected, traumatized partner and was taking on 90% of the emotional labor/parenting load) and my reactions and intensity was too much for her. Trying to figure out how to heal that but it is very hard.
I just started reading "The Body Keeps Score" and I have already had a bunch of new aha moments. I think especially the parts about where a partner with PTSD can never be fully in the relationship and then the other partner gets really depressed as a result (or in part because of). They were talking about Vietnam veterans, but it also applies to survivors of childhood abuse who did not get help and carry that trauma around with them. Or children of alcoholics. So my ex and I both came in carrying those things. And so no wonder I was depressed. There are parallels with triggers and traumatizing ourselves in acts or retribution which I won't go into here because, well, it's heavy and I don't want to. But it has even more helped me get some clarity around what happened with me and him and us. And that, tragically, it all fits the pattern of response to trauma.
ReplyDeleteThen I read that children of depressed mothers grow up insecure and anxious. Holy shit. At first, I was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. Because I was one depressed mother. And both my kids are highly anxious. I don't know about the insecure, but I bet that's somewhat the case. And then I think about it and I'm getting mad. Why is all that put on just the mother? What about the whole family system? What about an emotionally absent father? Does that contribute to anxiety? Like I'm feminist rage grade mad about how they dropped that line in the book and then casually moved on. As if every person ever who has been a mom is not going to read that and think "oh shit".
So I am trying to just sit with the idea that yes my depression contributed to my kids' anxiety and challenges, but so did my ex's stuff. So did genetics. So did growing up in a weird, digital world. So did living in our western culture etc. etc. And also, I've been working on fixing my stuff, am so much more stable and have become the calm center for my kids. 'm modeling boundaries, which makes everyone feel safer and clearer.
But part of me still wants to race to the internet and the library and find the research that talks about how to reverse the effects of being or having a depressed mom. Not everything is mine to fix, but I feel like this one is. This one is something I want to do what I can to correct. And I'm still mad about it.
For what it's worth, SS1, I was NOT depressed and two of my three kids' have clinical anxiety. So brain chemistry plays a big role in that. Despite having an alcoholic, addicted, absentee mother, I never had anxiety like they do. I got anxious sure...but didn't have anxiety, if you know what I mean.
DeleteI think it's far more a consequence of a highly connected world in which kids are bombarded with news and information that's often frightening. Our world is one fire thanks to the climate crisis so there's another part of me that thinks it's the anxious people who are the only ones who really recognize the stakes here. They're the proverbial canaries in the coal mine.
All you can do now, regardless, is exactly what you're doing. Face your own stuff, work through it and model resilience and self-empowerment. You are showing them, every single day, what's possible with a clear-eyed assessment and willingness to access help.
I am a trauma geek since before d-day. Highly recommend Gabor Mate who talks about how our modern lifestyles create anxiety because the promote disconnection.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I know that contributed to my own teenager's anxiety (who I think is wired for it as she is acutely sensitive to the world) is that her spaciness was hard to deal with (especially when I had a disconnected, traumatized partner and was taking on 90% of the emotional labor/parenting load) and my reactions and intensity was too much for her. Trying to figure out how to heal that but it is very hard.