urg, this. One of my challenges is dealing with loneliness post divorce. I have a tendency to isolate and just feel lonely as a default state, and this has been true for most of my life. Growing up in a family with an alcoholic can be isolating and "othering". You sort of know you are not quite the same as everyone else. Right now, it's sadness that people were not able to make choices that would have made it OK for us to be together. But I'm not going to settle for company just for the sake of company. Instead, I try to stay connected to my friends, my sister. And oddly, get out on my own in nature. Then I can connect with myself and not feel lonely. Then I am company for myself. But, there are times when you just want validating physical contact. And I mean things like a held hand, a hug, a person holding you or in other ways providing comfort (think bringing me a cup of tea, or doing some housework so I don't have to). I know what I am longing for is someone who cares enough to care for me when I need it. Even with all that, I still recall that nothing now is as painful as being lonely in my marriage. And I certainly was. The contrast with what was vs what it could have been somehow made the lonely worse. Sadly, I didn't know then that I deserved better. Still working on it. Much, much better at taking care of myself and seeking what I need in a healthy way when I need it. XOXO warriors
I, too, had a somewhat lonely childhood. Like you, I grew up in a home with addicts and abandonment -- physical and emotional. Books saved me. I mean that literally. I don't know where/if I'd be if wasn't for the comfort and company of books. And animals. I'm kind of a strange soul, I think. I'm still happiest when I'm surrounded by pets and books. People exhaust me...even people I love. I guess that's the difference between loneliness and alone. I crave solitude. But still need connection.
SS1 - I had never really thought much about my childhood crap and how it plays in to how lonely I feel now.
I was a bed wetter until I was 12. While most girls were having sleepovers and slumber parties I was home because I didn't want to be known as "that" girl. At the age of 12, I moved to a new city and suddenly stopped wetting the bed (ya ... I'm sure there is some messed up story there somewhere) and I was plunked down into the 7th grade where friendships had already been established and I struggled fitting in.
As a result, I have a difficult time bonding and maintaining friendships.
One of the hardest things to think about in possibly leaving my marriage is the fear of being alone. I'm 41. I have 4 children - 2 under the age of 5. That doesn't leave a lot of time to get out and meet new people.
Kimberly, I think young motherhood (by "young" I mean moms of young kids) can be an extraordinarily lonely time. You're so CONSUMED by their needs that there's often little time to feed and nurture your own soul. My three kids are now teens/early 20s and life is so different. I have cultivated wonderful female friendships that, honestly, I just didn't have the time/energy for when my kids were little. Especially with a husband who was awol and then the bomb of infidelity. Hang in there. Some of this might be old stuff and it's worth talking to a therapist about it. Those old ghosts haunt us still. But I suspect it's also partly a consequence of this time in your life.
Funny, but just today, I was thinking how lonely I am in my marriage. My husband was abroad for almost 20 years, 11 years working and then 8 years actually retired spending 3 months in the Philippines with the OW alternating with 3 months at home, but claiming to still be working part-time. At first, the kids were still at home and I was working full time. I adjusted, took courses, kept busy with church activities and friends. Then the kids married, moved out and grandchildren arrived and my life got busier. I built a life of my own but I looked forward to my husband coming home and an opportunity to take some trips together in our retirement. When DD#1 hit 4 years ago and my husband came home for good a year later, he was no longer well enough to travel and my life has changed dramatically. I'm trying to adjust but it's a struggle. We have this BIG gap of 13 years that we don't talk about, the time he was involved with the OW - no shared memories, they belong to the OW. And I find that so sad because, like SS1, I know now I deserved better (didn't we all?), and this marriage could have been so much more. But SS1, your ex is the loser in all of this because he failed to see the treasure he already had! Elle, I was a military brat and we were always moving, so books became my friends as a child too. So I'm going to stop my pity party for today and get back to my latest Louise Penny mystery. Love her writing.
Kimberly, as Elle says, you are in some difficult and isolating years. I recently took a friend, who is a mom to young kids, out to the theater. I know how much effort she had to make to find a sitter and get everything lined up. And she apologized because she felt she had nothing to talk about but her kids. I assured her that was unnecessary. I remember being there myself. But I also encouraged her to think about one thing a day she could do for herself. She talked about how even her own shower came after kids and cleaning the kitchen etc. And I asked her, who is gonna die if you don't get all the dishes done? You are worthy of the 30 minutes needed to shower yourself and get dressed. Do that first. Before the dishes. It is so easy to lose yourself in the endless steeple chase of child care before you collapse into bed at night feeling like you still didn't do enough. Where can you compromise? Where can you get help? Where can your partner step up and be a partner? I really wish someone had given me this advice: find one thing you can do fr yourself that isn't about kids and that gets you out of the house. One thing a week. That is solely and 100% about you. Not towing kids along. Maybe it is a yoga or spin class at the Y (so you can leave the kids in he childcare room). Maybe it is an evening art or theater or pottery class one night a week, where your partner or a grandparent has the kids. Maybe its music lessons, karate, photography whatever. Find a thing you've always wanted to do and make just 30-45 minutes a week for it. Reconnect with just being you. I didn't figure this out until I was separated. So I am spreading the word now. Kimberly, know that if you and your kids are all still upright at the end of the day, you are doing all right. Hang in there.
Jenna, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. That gap must feel like a gaping wound. And like nothing could ever fill it. But I'll tell you, tat our memories are pliable and we have it within our power to reshape them. When I first found out about my ex husband's affair, I was devastated and so many thing and memories were tainted by the new knowledge I had of what was also going on at that time. Over time I came to realize that I could choose to carry around that hurt and those discolored memories, or I could choose to change how I saw and experienced them. We took the kids on a long planned, special trip to England. I was sure that the memories of that trip were ruined forever. But after a while I realized that I could reclaim them. I planned that trip. I made all the arrangements, picked all the places we stayed and visited, bought all the tickets etc. etc. and I realized it was a huge deal for our kids and something I could be proud of. I focused on the pictures of my kids, the things they especially enjoyed, the moments I shared with them and saw them looking at this new country with wide eyes and that was a memory worth hanging on to. And though my ex is in some of those memories, he has largely been relegated to the background, serving as our chauffeur in my mind. It's helped me salvage that trip and the memories. But I recognize that this is one, though impactful, but relatively short time. For your 13 year gap, it is a loss and grief that you don't have that time with you, he truly stole that from you. But perhaps you can claim that time for yourself. Did you do thing all on your own that you are proud of? did you care for your kids single handedly? Who do you think they feel closest to? I bet that when you are ready to pull back the layer of grief and loss, that you will find you were living your own life and have plenty to be proud of. And finally, yes, my ex has lost so much, all of it self inflicted. He's not a terrible person, just a terribly wounded person. It's taken some work for me to realize and really belief that he lost something of value in me. But now I value myself enough to know I am not going to settle for that kind of treatment ever again. xoxo
Thank you SS#1 for your thoughtful response. Our children are definitely closest to me. I seem to have the role of a "filter" between the family and my husband. I know all the background he has missed out on. I've been here to offer advice when consulted, support when they were facing a problem and sympathy when things didn't work out quite as planned. And I wouldn't have wanted to have missed a minute of that time. This is exactly where I wanted to be. I'm sad to think what a missed opportunity this was for my husband to really know this awesome family we've been so blessed with. But I will try your ideas of reshaping and reclaiming memories. Hugs.
urg, this. One of my challenges is dealing with loneliness post divorce. I have a tendency to isolate and just feel lonely as a default state, and this has been true for most of my life. Growing up in a family with an alcoholic can be isolating and "othering". You sort of know you are not quite the same as everyone else.
ReplyDeleteRight now, it's sadness that people were not able to make choices that would have made it OK for us to be together. But I'm not going to settle for company just for the sake of company. Instead, I try to stay connected to my friends, my sister. And oddly, get out on my own in nature. Then I can connect with myself and not feel lonely. Then I am company for myself.
But, there are times when you just want validating physical contact. And I mean things like a held hand, a hug, a person holding you or in other ways providing comfort (think bringing me a cup of tea, or doing some housework so I don't have to).
I know what I am longing for is someone who cares enough to care for me when I need it.
Even with all that, I still recall that nothing now is as painful as being lonely in my marriage. And I certainly was. The contrast with what was vs what it could have been somehow made the lonely worse. Sadly, I didn't know then that I deserved better.
Still working on it. Much, much better at taking care of myself and seeking what I need in a healthy way when I need it.
XOXO warriors
I, too, had a somewhat lonely childhood. Like you, I grew up in a home with addicts and abandonment -- physical and emotional. Books saved me. I mean that literally. I don't know where/if I'd be if wasn't for the comfort and company of books.
DeleteAnd animals. I'm kind of a strange soul, I think. I'm still happiest when I'm surrounded by pets and books. People exhaust me...even people I love. I guess that's the difference between loneliness and alone. I crave solitude. But still need connection.
animals and books and a few select friends. :)
DeleteSS1 - I had never really thought much about my childhood crap and how it plays in to how lonely I feel now.
ReplyDeleteI was a bed wetter until I was 12. While most girls were having sleepovers and slumber parties I was home because I didn't want to be known as "that" girl. At the age of 12, I moved to a new city and suddenly stopped wetting the bed (ya ... I'm sure there is some messed up story there somewhere) and I was plunked down into the 7th grade where friendships had already been established and I struggled fitting in.
As a result, I have a difficult time bonding and maintaining friendships.
One of the hardest things to think about in possibly leaving my marriage is the fear of being alone. I'm 41. I have 4 children - 2 under the age of 5. That doesn't leave a lot of time to get out and meet new people.
Gah. Another topic to work on at therapy.
Kimberly, I think young motherhood (by "young" I mean moms of young kids) can be an extraordinarily lonely time. You're so CONSUMED by their needs that there's often little time to feed and nurture your own soul. My three kids are now teens/early 20s and life is so different. I have cultivated wonderful female friendships that, honestly, I just didn't have the time/energy for when my kids were little. Especially with a husband who was awol and then the bomb of infidelity.
DeleteHang in there. Some of this might be old stuff and it's worth talking to a therapist about it. Those old ghosts haunt us still. But I suspect it's also partly a consequence of this time in your life.
Funny, but just today, I was thinking how lonely I am in my marriage. My husband was abroad for almost 20 years, 11 years working and then 8 years actually retired spending 3 months in the Philippines with the OW alternating with 3 months at home, but claiming to still be working part-time. At first, the kids were still at home and I was working full time. I adjusted, took courses, kept busy with church activities and friends. Then the kids married, moved out and grandchildren arrived and my life got busier. I built a life of my own but I looked forward to my husband coming home and an opportunity to take some trips together in our retirement. When DD#1 hit 4 years ago and my husband came home for good a year later, he was no longer well enough to travel and my life has changed dramatically. I'm trying to adjust but it's a struggle. We have this BIG gap of 13 years that we don't talk about, the time he was involved with the OW - no shared memories, they belong to the OW. And I find that so sad because, like SS1, I know now I deserved better (didn't we all?), and this marriage could have been so much more. But SS1, your ex is the loser in all of this because he failed to see the treasure he already had!
DeleteElle, I was a military brat and we were always moving, so books became my friends as a child too. So I'm going to stop my pity party for today and get back to my latest Louise Penny mystery. Love her writing.
Kimberly, as Elle says, you are in some difficult and isolating years. I recently took a friend, who is a mom to young kids, out to the theater. I know how much effort she had to make to find a sitter and get everything lined up. And she apologized because she felt she had nothing to talk about but her kids. I assured her that was unnecessary. I remember being there myself. But I also encouraged her to think about one thing a day she could do for herself. She talked about how even her own shower came after kids and cleaning the kitchen etc. And I asked her, who is gonna die if you don't get all the dishes done? You are worthy of the 30 minutes needed to shower yourself and get dressed. Do that first. Before the dishes.
DeleteIt is so easy to lose yourself in the endless steeple chase of child care before you collapse into bed at night feeling like you still didn't do enough. Where can you compromise? Where can you get help? Where can your partner step up and be a partner?
I really wish someone had given me this advice: find one thing you can do fr yourself that isn't about kids and that gets you out of the house. One thing a week. That is solely and 100% about you. Not towing kids along. Maybe it is a yoga or spin class at the Y (so you can leave the kids in he childcare room). Maybe it is an evening art or theater or pottery class one night a week, where your partner or a grandparent has the kids. Maybe its music lessons, karate, photography whatever. Find a thing you've always wanted to do and make just 30-45 minutes a week for it. Reconnect with just being you. I didn't figure this out until I was separated. So I am spreading the word now. Kimberly, know that if you and your kids are all still upright at the end of the day, you are doing all right. Hang in there.
Jenna, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. That gap must feel like a gaping wound. And like nothing could ever fill it. But I'll tell you, tat our memories are pliable and we have it within our power to reshape them. When I first found out about my ex husband's affair, I was devastated and so many thing and memories were tainted by the new knowledge I had of what was also going on at that time. Over time I came to realize that I could choose to carry around that hurt and those discolored memories, or I could choose to change how I saw and experienced them. We took the kids on a long planned, special trip to England. I was sure that the memories of that trip were ruined forever. But after a while I realized that I could reclaim them. I planned that trip. I made all the arrangements, picked all the places we stayed and visited, bought all the tickets etc. etc. and I realized it was a huge deal for our kids and something I could be proud of. I focused on the pictures of my kids, the things they especially enjoyed, the moments I shared with them and saw them looking at this new country with wide eyes and that was a memory worth hanging on to. And though my ex is in some of those memories, he has largely been relegated to the background, serving as our chauffeur in my mind. It's helped me salvage that trip and the memories.
ReplyDeleteBut I recognize that this is one, though impactful, but relatively short time. For your 13 year gap, it is a loss and grief that you don't have that time with you, he truly stole that from you. But perhaps you can claim that time for yourself. Did you do thing all on your own that you are proud of? did you care for your kids single handedly? Who do you think they feel closest to? I bet that when you are ready to pull back the layer of grief and loss, that you will find you were living your own life and have plenty to be proud of.
And finally, yes, my ex has lost so much, all of it self inflicted. He's not a terrible person, just a terribly wounded person. It's taken some work for me to realize and really belief that he lost something of value in me. But now I value myself enough to know I am not going to settle for that kind of treatment ever again. xoxo
Thank you SS#1 for your thoughtful response. Our children are definitely closest to me. I seem to have the role of a "filter" between the family and my husband. I know all the background he has missed out on. I've been here to offer advice when consulted, support when they were facing a problem and sympathy when things didn't work out quite as planned. And I wouldn't have wanted to have missed a minute of that time. This is exactly where I wanted to be. I'm sad to think what a missed opportunity this was for my husband to really know this awesome family we've been so blessed with. But I will try your ideas of reshaping and reclaiming memories. Hugs.
ReplyDelete