"Why did you cheat on me?": Asking the wrong questions

Why did you cheat on me?
We ask this often, don't we? Or a variation of it? 
Why did you do this to me? 
What is wrong with me? 
Why is this happening to me?
It's not surprising, is it? That we center ourselves in this crisis. After all, it is happening to us. We are the betrayed ones. We're the ones left looking at the pieces of our shattered marriage. 
And yet, not all of us frame the experience like this. Some, like another betrayed woman I know, ask this question:
Why did you cheat?
Notice the difference?
Not Why did you cheat on me? but rather Why did you cheat?
Two tiny words that make a huge difference. It's the difference between seeing the cheating as a personal indictment -- of our looks, our talents, our value as wives – or seeing the cheating as his poor choice. It's the difference between taking all/some responsibility for the cheating or leaving it entirely on his shoulders.
Cause something that I will continue to remind you of is this:
You did not make him cheat. 
You are not responsible for his choice to cheat. You are not the reason he cheated. 
He cheated because opportunity arose and he lacked the moral courage to walk away from that opportunity. He cheated because he gave himself permission to. He cheated because he lacked integrity either in that moment or all the time. 
That is not to say that you have no responsibility for the state of your marriage, which may or may not have contributed to his choice to cheat. There are a whole lot of men who use the state of their marriage – my wife doesn't understand me – as an excuse to cheat. It's so common as to be cliché. 
Maybe you don't understand him. Maybe you nag him daily about leaving his dirty underwear on the floor. Maybe you emasculate him in front of his friends. Maybe you resent him for how little he helps with the kids. There are lots of ways in which we contribute, negatively, to our marriages.
But the choice to cheat is still on him.
And, frankly, most of us aren't wives from hell. Sure we get annoyed when he's late for dinner. Again. Sure we get hurt when he falls asleep in front of the TV instead of coming to bed. Again.
But marriages are give and take. They are negotiation. They are compromise. They are two adults trying to navigate needs and wants, along with, often, little people whose needs and wants usually take priority.
So he thinks you don't understand him. Maybe it's true.
But that's not licence to cheat.
It is a good opportunity to talk to you about it. It is a good time to suggest marriage counselling. 
Instead...he cheated.
Which is like setting off a nuclear bomb to fix a rodent problem.
We would have suggested something a little less drastic, wouldn't we? Like live traps maybe?
So think of that next time you're wondering to yourself why he did this to you. Changing how you frame this experience can mean the difference between believing there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or unlovable about you, and keeping the responsibility for this firmly where it belongs: With him.
He cheated. For a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Reasons that he needs to get understand if he wants to rebuild his marriage. Reasons that are likely fiction, once he pulls them into the harsh light of reality.
That's his job – to figure out what stories he was telling himself that allowed him to cheat.
Yours is to disentangle yourself from his choice. Yes, you're affected. Of course, you are. And it's devastating. But, as hard as it might be to believe right now, you're collateral damage. It's like he chose to drive drunk and you got run over. 
Tend to your wounds. But don't believe for a second that you had anything to do with his choice to drive.