Why did you cheat on me?
We ask this often, don't we? Or a variation of it?
Why did you do this to me?
What is wrong with me?
Why is this happening to me?
It's not surprising, is it? That we center ourselves in this crisis. After all, it is happening to us. We are the betrayed ones. We're the ones left looking at the pieces of our shattered marriage.
And yet, not all of us frame the experience like this. Some, like another betrayed woman I know, ask this question:
Why did you cheat?
Notice the difference?
Not Why did you cheat on me? but rather Why did you cheat?
Two tiny words that make a huge difference. It's the difference between seeing the cheating as a personal indictment -- of our looks, our talents, our value as wives – or seeing the cheating as his poor choice. It's the difference between taking all/some responsibility for the cheating or leaving it entirely on his shoulders.
Cause something that I will continue to remind you of is this:
You did not make him cheat.
You are not responsible for his choice to cheat. You are not the reason he cheated.
He cheated because opportunity arose and he lacked the moral courage to walk away from that opportunity. He cheated because he gave himself permission to. He cheated because he lacked integrity either in that moment or all the time.
That is not to say that you have no responsibility for the state of your marriage, which may or may not have contributed to his choice to cheat. There are a whole lot of men who use the state of their marriage Рmy wife doesn't understand me Рas an excuse to cheat. It's so common as to be clich̩.
Maybe you don't understand him. Maybe you nag him daily about leaving his dirty underwear on the floor. Maybe you emasculate him in front of his friends. Maybe you resent him for how little he helps with the kids. There are lots of ways in which we contribute, negatively, to our marriages.
But the choice to cheat is still on him.
And, frankly, most of us aren't wives from hell. Sure we get annoyed when he's late for dinner. Again. Sure we get hurt when he falls asleep in front of the TV instead of coming to bed. Again.
But marriages are give and take. They are negotiation. They are compromise. They are two adults trying to navigate needs and wants, along with, often, little people whose needs and wants usually take priority.
So he thinks you don't understand him. Maybe it's true.
But that's not licence to cheat.
It is a good opportunity to talk to you about it. It is a good time to suggest marriage counselling.
Instead...he cheated.
Which is like setting off a nuclear bomb to fix a rodent problem.
We would have suggested something a little less drastic, wouldn't we? Like live traps maybe?
So think of that next time you're wondering to yourself why he did this to you. Changing how you frame this experience can mean the difference between believing there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or unlovable about you, and keeping the responsibility for this firmly where it belongs: With him.
He cheated. For a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Reasons that he needs to get understand if he wants to rebuild his marriage. Reasons that are likely fiction, once he pulls them into the harsh light of reality.
That's his job – to figure out what stories he was telling himself that allowed him to cheat.
Yours is to disentangle yourself from his choice. Yes, you're affected. Of course, you are. And it's devastating. But, as hard as it might be to believe right now, you're collateral damage. It's like he chose to drive drunk and you got run over.
Tend to your wounds. But don't believe for a second that you had anything to do with his choice to drive.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Bravo to this post. It took me years to absorb this truth and if I am honest with myself, I still sometimes add those two little words. It is true that he is flawed and he had major issues that I knew nothing about. He knows that about himself now and it is up to him to decide, moving forward, each and every decision he makes around our marriage. Like you said in a previous post, Elle, "If he cheats again he has made the choice to leave our marriage."
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I found a lot of the information from Esther Perel directed me to focus on the right questions. It was a major turning point for us. I started directing my questions why he did it to himself. He betrayed himself before he betrayed me. He let himself down. And we/he worked to get to the bottom of that. I in a way feel like I am an innocent by-standard of the entire process.
ReplyDeleteAlso has anyone listened to her podcasts? Where Should We Begin is Ester Perel's podcast. It is really interesting and has provided me with some great insights.
Hopeful 30, yes, I have listened to some of her podcasts. Sometimes I think she has her head up her you-know-what and other times I think she is right on. When I can deal with all this from a strengths perspective "you did this on your own and to yourself" I am much better off. I rarely have to deal with mood swings or strong emotions anymore. When they do happen I can usually say to myself, "Well now you know how he dealt with life stressors in the past and now he knows what the consequences of those decisions will be if he goes there again so just let if be." Works about 95% of the time. We are both dealing with some serious health issues at the moment and there is still one thing hanging over my head and that is our old wedding rings. He put them somewhere and I don't know where. He is having heart problems. I don't want to find them if he dies. Once this crisis is over, hopefully he survives, I am going to ask him to take them to a jeweler and sell them. I don't want to see them and I don't want the money. He can spend it on whatever or I can donate it to an organization that deals with trafficking but I need this to be done so I don't have to deal with it myself or explain to someone else why I don't want to touch them. Maybe I need to consult my therapist again about these strong feelings/thoughts? What do you suggest?
DeleteDear Beach Girl
DeleteFirstly. I am so sorry to hear you are having health issues. You are one of my heroes on this site, so I am sending all my positive thoughts to you for good health.
The wedding rings.
I know you have come to a place of peace within your marriage. It's taken a long time Beach Girl, and it seems there'll always be something to deal with. With your health issues, you have to make sure you stay without as much worry and anxiety, so if you are definite - get rid of them. Don't spend too much time thinking about it, but be sure. Once sold, you can't get them back.
What's your reason for wanting to get rid of them?
I think it's a good idea to get rid of them. If you don't want to spend the money on yourself from the sale, do with it what ever you want. Giving to a charity is a great idea.
You just reminded me to get my rings and sell them off. I have no desire to keep anything from my ex.
It's a part of my life I want to get rid of everything to do with. They remind me of the lies against marriage he so willing took part in. I'm not even going to keep them for my kids as I feel there's such bad energy around them and they mean absolutely nothing now.
Thinking of you Beach Girl and sending love and hugs
Gabby xo
Hi Gabby! Thanks for your response and question. Our wedding rings are unique and there was a very touching story behind how my my husband came to purchase them. When all this came out I was crushed. He never took his ring off so I told him to take his ring off because I did not want his hand touching me wearing the ring he pawed his prostitutes with. We had a major fight and he yelled at me, "They are only hunks of metal!" That made it worse. The wonderful and emotional story he always told about how he came to purchase the rings just evaporated in my head. I loved those rings so much. They represented something special to me. Obviously he just got warm fuzzies from people he told the ring story to and it made him look like a wonderful guy. He never gave it a second thought that fucking whores wearing the ring I put on his finger might be wrong. I know that sex addicts are selfish narcissists with major childhood wounds but even that would never make me want to wear them again. When I looked at that ring on his hand all I could see was that hand and the ring I put on his finger fondling whores. I still feel that way. They are hidden somewhere in my house and I've decided they need to go because those ghosts still lurk. The diamond that was in that ring was removed and made into a necklace years ago that I wore forever and a day but after this happened I took that off. I am now wearing new rings with diamonds I inherited from his narcissistic mother. She had them set in the gaudiest rings so I had a jeweler take the stones out and sold the gold for cash. I then had the new stones set in new rings. I only did the new ring thing because of my kids and especially my daughter would wonder why I didn't have them on. It was hard enough to lie to her about where my old rings went because they are truly unique and beautiful Now even seeing a photo of them still causes my heart to ache. So, they must go. I'll never wear them again and I never want anyone else to wear them either. Much love Gabby. Hang in there.
DeleteBeach Girl, I am so sorry. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I totally understand the ring thing. I could not put mine on forever. And my husband was so upset by that.... I was like whatever. Honestly the only reason I wear them now is my kids started to ask me why I did not wear them. I don't wear them often using working out, cleaning, cooking, forgetting as my excuse. I have thought if for some reason we do not last that I would sell it and use the money for expenses, my kids college etc. I like the idea of donating to a worthy cause. My husband never didn't wear his ring. But I did discover that his ring was different. He lost his ring and he has no idea where. He cannot even tell me where. He never took it off. He had problems where it would slide off so I believe that. He said he looked for a while and just went and bought a new one on his own with cash. I did not really believe him and I called the jewelry store and got them to tell me the date, cost and if he bought anything else. It all matched up with in general what he told me. He said it was trivial in the scheme of what he had done. I was hurt since our actual wedding bands matched exactly. I also would say every single friend I have has upgraded their engagement and wedding band. It was something I never thought to even consider. I put a lot of value and meaning into my original rings. They are very simple and plain and not large since we were so young but I appreciated them for what they were. It does hang over me....
DeleteBeach Girl. I'm sorry you are both dealing with illness and hope you will be well soon. I get the ring thing. I took mine off for a while but I put it back on because I wear 3 gold rings on my left hand and 3 silver rings on my right. No particular reason either. I wasn't liking the imbalance. My ring no longer symbolizes our love, vows, whatever. Once he really started dealing with his shit in January, he took his off. I asked him why and he replied that he remembered the day I asked him if he wore it when he was with her and he said yes. That was the day I took mine off and I told him that the rings are no longer symbolic. He recently said he would eventually like to buy new rings when things get better, but I'll be honest, while I like the sentiment, it's not what I need. We've been down that road and the meaning is lost to me and I'm okay with that. Always do what works for you, Beach girl. ♥
DeleteHopeful 30. I love Esther's wisdom for so many reasons. She has very liked minded views on relationships and sex.
DeleteThanks Girl friends for your thoughts and wisdom around my old wedding rings. I've done my best to deal with my own thoughts and feelings around them and the meaning they held for me. Never once were they a "hunk of metal" like he threw in my face in a moment of anger but that was like a knife in my heart and I do believe he knew it. We did go out and buy simple bands and we took a trip to San Diego and sat on the beach. He held my hand, apologized again in a very sincere way and put the new band on my finger, promising never to ever allow his wedding band, which I put on his finger to touch another woman. Getting the new rings done with all the new diamonds was an after thought. I think, given all the years we were/are married I now look at my marriage in a totally different light. He appears to be happy and content with his new life because he no longer lives in his head and if he is being truthful, he no longer thinks about living his fantasy life. He has acknowledged that it is a two way street of using and being used by whores. Shallow. The story behind those rings will never see the light of day again. It might have been true in the moment but after all that we've been through I want them gone. I'll never wear them again and as far as I am concerned, it is his job to get rid of them. He caused this and he can deal with the aftermath. I know that selling off these rings for the price of gold will be another reminder of how much he screwed up. He also sold an antique convertible within two years of D-day when I realized the reason he bought it was to get back to California and his whores. He bought it online and flew to Southern California to pick it up. He visited his favorite massage parlors on the drive home. When I confirmed that, I told him to get rid of the "whore-mobile" or I would donate it to Planned Parenthood. He ended up selling it within two weeks for less than half of what he paid and I just said, "That was probably the most expensive blow job you ever had." Ya, I can be cruel and he deserved it. No regrets my friend Michelle. FTS is still my favorite strength based comment. I am feeling better health wise and his cardiology stuff begins next week. I sincerely do hope that he lives a long time because we've worked very hard to get where we are today and I would like to spend a lot more time having fun with my new guy.
DeleteBeach girl...I don't call telling it like it is cruel. It's the blunt truth PERIOD. FTS is a staple in today's way of living an authentic life. I also embroidered it on some pretty floral fabric and it hangs in my bedroom. So glad you are feeling better. I'm sending healing juju into the universe for your guy's speedy recovery. ♥
DeleteMichelle, damn I love you! You rock!
DeleteI remember that early on I asked why did you cheat on us! I’m pretty sure that I also asked how could you cheat on me! We didn’t make progress until I accepted that the answer didn’t exist. He made that choice because he didn’t expect me to ever know and therefore, I wouldn’t be hurt...how wrong he was about his ow and he only thought I would be mad...yep he was very wrong about that too... how different our relationship is now!
ReplyDeleteI don't have the chance to ask him why he cheated on me as he didn't admit on the affair but i always question myself why he cheat on me? Is it because of i am not a good wife? Is it because i am not attractive enough? Is it because i am not old enough -the OW is elder than him. There's a lot of question in my mind questioning myself.
ReplyDeleteI am still convincing and telling myself this is his choice. He is having affair because of selfishness and it's not because of me. Saying is always easier than done.
Times will tell.
Lost_AA
Lost_AA,
DeleteHe cheated on you because of his own issues and his inability to be honest with you or himself. Tiger Woods was married to a gorgeous woman and that did not stop him from making an ass of himself. He admitted that he had a problem. Your husband has a problem. No matter what was happening between the two of you, he chose to deal with his issues by cheating. He could have drunk a fifth of vodka, he could have shot up heroin, he could have crashed his car, he could have killed himself, he could have spent thousands of dollars at a casino, but he didn't. He chose to sell his soul to whatever devil he had inside him. Look in the mirror and repeat after me, "I may have my flaws and deficits but I did not address them by cheating on my husband." He is just a flawed and screwed up human being. Maybe you are too but you made a different choice on how to deal with it. It always comes down to facing your own demons and deciding how to deal with them. Hang in there.
Elle, right again. It took me quite awhile to see that he really cheated on himself. "I thought you would divorce me anyway." "I didn't think you cared." "I wasn't your priority." "You didn't listen to me." "You never took my advice." "You didn't like sex with me." He need to take me out of the sentences and figure out his whys. Eventually he did but it wasn't an overnight epiphany. He remembered I suggested marriage counseling. He remembered when I sat on his lap, telling him I'm not made out of steel. He remembered telling me, Stop crying, stop thinking, stop it. His whys were many and some were to justify what he was doing. He realizes that now. When he did include me in his whys. I remember telling him, "And why do you thing I turned into a fat, hateful, bitch?" The therapist asked me to tell my whys.
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl, I'm so sorry to hear about your health issues. I hope everything will resolve with good results soon for both of you.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a challenging summer with new layers uncovered in this never-ending saga of mine. I finally told my sordid tale to my sister when she visited. She went home and checked out things on Facebook (I'm not on). Well, there was my husband with the OW: at the restaurant that bears a combination of their names, on a trip to a beautiful island the year I was dealing with my cancer alone at home (he swore they never travelled together), celebrating Christmas with the OW and her family, a birthday picture of the OW with a cake with her birthdate on it (turns out she is almost 20 years younger than him), and one particularly disturbing one with my husband in a barong (traditional wedding wear for the Philippines) and the OW wearing a beautiful white dress, both have corsages. I have since seen all the photos at a friend's house. My husband never wore his wedding ring. Claimed it irritated his finger but somehow he was able to wear a gold bangle the OW bought him in the photos! So I have put my rings away along with his that he kept in a drawer. Won't be wearing them any time soon.
Oh Jenna,
DeleteWhat devastating evidence of his complete lack of moral courage and decency. I'm so sorry. Like Beach Girl says so beautifully below, you, we hold softly and warmly in our arms." You have been through so much...
Jenna, ouch. This must feel like a sucker punch to the gut. I wish I knew how to search this site to find out your story but I don't and I can't recall your story as you posted it. If you are still with him and he has married her overseas, he is still a bigamist and that marriage is not valid. I've come to accept that some memories and my feelings around those memories are just what is. I recognize that many people who stay together are able to weave a new story around their marriage that includes their wedding rings. More power to them, they are stronger than I. I have a small and growing Filipino side in my family and what you described is definitely a wedding scene. It is easy to lash out at others but I recognize that betrayed partners often carry deep feelings for their spouse so I will refrain from ripping him a new one. You, however, I hold softly and warmly in my arms.
ReplyDeleteOh Jenna, how are you holding up? This is awful. I'm so sorry. and Beach Girl. i am out of touch, I hope you and your hubby are both ok. Those two words Why Did You Cheat (on me) make a world of difference once you can absorb them. LLP I love how knew your husband had to take You out of the equation to figure this all out. that's really powerful.
ReplyDeleteThank you Beach Girl, Elle and Steam for your caring response. If I wasn't actually living this nightmare, I would wonder at the absurdity of it all. Not how I expected to spend my retirement. It has been 4 years since D.D.#1 and still the trickle truth continues - actually there's probably not a lot of truth. When I confronted my husband with the latest information,he claimed the restaurant was a family business, not one he financed. I guess it was renamed with a combination of his and the O.W.'s name because he's such a swell guy! The "wedding" photo he couldn't recall although it was taken only 4 years ago. Give me strength! And on and on it goes. The day after I confronted him, he was confused and disoriented for much of the day and his B.P. was dangerously high. I am seeing a new therapist next week. I dread telling this stupid tale yet again but I am desperate. I so hope he can shed some light on this mess. Although I know if my husband did marry this woman, it would not be valid I'm concerned should anything happen to this silly old fool, the O.W. could make a claim on his estate given the length of the affair (13 years) and the level of commitment. I spent a few hours with some of our grandchildren this afternoon and didn't think about this nonesense at all. It was lovely just being an ordinary Gran and not a super sleuth betrayed wife!
ReplyDeleteJenna, did you ever think just maybe she is posting all of this on FB in an attempt to make you feel worse? You lost? From what you say, she lost and has a loser. I would bet he is going to do the same shit to her. He hasn't changed always looking for that something better. She will soon lose her luster. You need to do something with the wedding rings, it is a pull into the past for you. I threw mine off into a river from a bridge. Pretty stupid really I should have sold them. Don't feel bad, just keep telling the same tale to the therapist. I bet I repeated myself for a year. Have you been to a lawyer to protect your assets not only for you but your children? I have to admit I posted pictures on FB to show the OW a thing or two. Her posts look anemic comparted to mine.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone,
ReplyDeleteI just found out my partner of 18 months cheated on me last night. He was honest immediately. I took a contract in Myanmar and he had said he cannot do long distance. There is a big age difference he is 30 I am 44. He was meant to fly tomorrow to see me. Do I tell him no? I asked so many questions and he told me everything, things I found hard to hear. He went to the osho ashram, it is free love, he liked her company, she was 23 and gorgeous, so on. He was messaging me the same time they were together. I wish I had not of asked. I wanted to know so badly who she was. I have invested so much in this relationship. Would you let him come? I feel in person discussion is vital for healing but how do we continue to be intimate? I called the ashram to find out her name just to see what she looked like on facebook. Is this stalking or normal behaviour? This has never happened to me before.
Unknown,
Deletethe desire to know EVERYTHING is pretty normal but it can sometimes backfire when we can't get the images out of our head. I think, if you have any interest in trying to salvage your marriage, that I would let him come under the conditions that he answer your questions and agree to therapy to get to the root of why he stepped out on your marriage.
It might have felt like revenge to you for leaving. Or it may be something else entirely. But it's important for both of you to be able to express how you're feeling and what you want from your marriage.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's excruciating. But you will get through this. Feel free to continue to post here. The women here are amazing -- full of wisdom and compassion.
You are among friends who know your pain.