Stop Trying to Convince Him That You Matter

I just responded to one of our beloved betrayeds who's struggling with a husband who continues to flirt online in a forum that's ostensibly for something innocuous. The banter crossed a line into clear flirting and innuendo. Something that's perfectly harmless and acceptable except when you're married. Except when you've already shattered your wife's heart because of cheating. Except when you're trying to convince your betrayed wife that you're worth giving a second chance. That it was a mistake that you'll never ever make again.
And what our beloved betrayed is trying to do is convince her husband that what he's doing is not okay. He doesn't get it. He thinks it's fine. The forum is helpful to him. What's a little sexual banter among strangers? Why so upset?
I certainly don't need to explain to anyone here why this is triggering our beloved betrayed. We know how painful it is because we're living it. It's awful enough dealing with the cultural pressure put on betrayeds, the humiliation we feel in a culture that thinks we're doormats for staying, the shame we often feel because we're somehow convinced that only frumpy, boring, pathetic women get cheated on. So even if he wasn't openly flirting with a woman, it's still painful moving past what he's already done by cheating. But to compound that by engaging in conversation ripe with sexual overtones seems either incredibly tone-deaf or outright cruel. Either way, there's no excuse.
However, this post isn't about how clueless and/or cruel her spouse is.
It's about her.
Because she is holding herself responsible for explaining to him why what he's doing is okay. She's outlined why it hurts, she's pointed out that this behaviour led to that behaviour. She's made it clear that that behaviour is unacceptable therefore this behaviour is too. She's drawn charts and maps, she's set forth her thesis, she's prepared her conclusion. Not literally, of course. But she has approached this the way a lawyer would approach a tough case.
And her husband has responded with a full-throated defence of what he's doing. I'm innocent. It's harmless. It means nothing. Just goofing around. This site is good for him. It's healthy.
How do we feel about this, ladies? Do I hear a hearty "Hell no!!"? Thought so.
Because HELL NO!
He doesn't get to defend behaviour that's hurtful to you. He doesn't get to decide what's hurtful to you. He doesn't get to explain to you why you shouldn't be hurt and how this is harmless and you're over-reacting and all the other bullshit that is setting off every alarm bell in your body and sending you spiralling back into curl-up-on-the-floor sobbing rage.
That fury you feel? That we all feel? That's our signal that our boundaries are being violated and that none of this is okay. That rage is our signal that we're not taking care of ourselves.
So what do we do? Well, we start by taking a deep breath. We can't take care of ourselves when we're hyperventilating. We wash our face with cold water. We stop our hands from shaking. And then we calmly and clearly state that nobody gets to tell us what we're allowed to be hurt by or upset about or threatened by, least of all the guy who cheated on us. That, from here on in, WE will be the ones determining what behaviour we will or will not tolerate in this relationship. And, in this particular case, we will not tolerate flirting or sexual banter of any kind. It doesn't matter if he "gets" it. Don't try and convince him. It's enough that you are hurt and that you aren trying your damnedest to heal from the pain he caused. And then you clearly and calmly detail the consequences. Make sure they are consequences that you will enforce. This isn't about punishing him. It isn't about demeaning him. It's about respecting yourself and keeping yourself emotionally safe.
We teach people how to treat us. And when we tolerate mistreatment, we teach them that it's okay to mistreat us. When we try to convince people that we deserve respect, that our feelings matter...even as we're disrespecting ourselves and dismissing our own needs...we are telling them that their needs matter more. We are assuming a position of less than.
We will get to a place in the relationship where each partner's needs matter equally. We will get to a place where I matter and you matter and together we will negotiate getting our needs met. But right now, your need for emotional safety trumps everything. Everything.
And if he is truly committed to helping you heal, to mitigating the pain he's caused, he will understand that. But if he doesn't, it's not up to you to convince him.

Guest post: Finally! The recovering perfectionist's all-you-need guide to surviving the holidays

by StillStanding1

The holidays can be tough, what with families and history and people in our lives expecting unrealistic things of us and our own selves expecting unrealistic things of us. Add in post-trauma from betrayal and you have got a seriously heavy load to carry.

I am a recovering perfectionist. Being a perfectionist sucks. You think no one will love you unless you do everything absolutely right. This always comes back to my “enough-ness”, that softest of all my soft spots. You destroy yourself through over achieving, you hustle for worthiness, trying to make everything just right for everyone else and losing yourself in the process. 

At this time of year, it takes on an even deeper level of intensity. Christmas (that’s the holiday I do. Feel free to insert your holiday loaded with expectations and desperation here) must look like the love child of Currier & Ives and Pottery Barn. Everything must sparkle and glow (decorate every room in the house and do the outside lights by myself). Mince pies perfectly dusted with powdered sugar (stay up till midnight baking because everyone will be disappointed if you bring something store-bought). All presents on list purchased and wrapped (everyone must have piles of things to open. Everything for the kids must be fair and equal. I must make sure I get presents for my friends and my kids' friends despite my dwindling budget). All parties attended and dressed in appropriately festive attire and everyone well brushed and behaved (crap, my son needs a haircut. Does he have clean pants that aren’t athletic?! WTF am I going to wear?). Fake that smile as if my life depended on it (even as I’m triggered watching other people’s husbands over-indulge in alcohol and breathe the fumes on me). Visit out-of-town relatives for parties I dislike and sleep in uncomfortable rooms or on slowly deflating air mattresses (but don’t dare suggest we say “no” because someone might be disappointed. Gasp). A frenzy of shopping and shipping and wrapping and cooking and visiting and trying so hard to make sure all the people in my life have all their needs met. Even needs they didn’t know they had. Wow. I’m exhausted just writing that.

With the discovery that I don’t have to be perfect to be loveable and these amazing things called boundaries (what is and is not okay with me), the holidays get just a little bit easier.

1.      Give yourself a break. You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to sit through movies or music or anything that upsets you or just makes you feel lousy. You don’t have to be strong for others. You don’t have to be strong at all. You don’t have to be super mom or Mrs. Claus.

2.     Say no.  To invitations that don’t fit your schedule.  To doing things for other people that you don’t want to do. To anything that feels like a bad idea. To your husband wanting to go out for drinks with his pals, if that doesn’t suit you just now. To anything your gut tells you is not good for you right now. There’s so much pressure to be nice and do all these things we don’t want to do. You can say no and still be nice. They are not mutually exclusive. Resist the urge to explain or justify your no. “Thanks for thinking of me, but no thank you.” Repeat as necessary.

3.     Let go of expectations. For yourself, that you get everything done, that all the boxes are checked off, that you feel a certain way.  Don’t expect that you should feel happy or joyful or forgiving just because some arbitrary holiday season says you should be feeling those things. Let go of expectations for others; that they do more or be more capable of something or different than they are. When you can start seeing and accepting people where they are, you don’t get disappointed. And those people can tell when there is a new room for them to show up in.  Let go of the idea that things need to go a certain way or look a certain way or be a certain way.

4.     Say yes to self-care. Sleep, eat to take care of yourself, exercise, meditate, read, make time for you. See #2 above. Get your nails done. Visit with friends. Call your mom/sister/other reliable support person.

5.     Whenever possible don’t engage with toxic relatives. Don’t take the bait when one tries to get a rise out of you. Let the complainer’s complaints roll off you. They are about her, not you. Don’t bite when individuals question your life choices. Don’t sit next to people who set you off or are emotionally risky for you. Have an escape plan. You are allowed to leave early.

6.     Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.  A well-meaning relative may pressure you to eat more because they have made something “especially for you.” You can say thank you and then go ahead and eat or not eat what you had intended. Your husband wants to go to a work holiday party after hours. Does that make you uncomfortable? Does he get to go but needs to check in? Or do you go with him? You decide what works for you. That’s your boundary.

7.     Drop the judgement. You are not a bad person for not wanting to spend more time with relatives or in-laws. You are, rather, putting yourself first and that makes a lot of us (and others) supremely uncomfortable. You are not a failure because you did not make 800 lbs of shortbread cookies. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

8.     Remind yourself that you are doing an awesome fucking job. At showing up. At breathing. At getting through each day. Maybe you made your bed. Win! Maybe you had tea with a friend. Win! Maybe you decided the laundry could wait another day. More winning!

9.     Ask. For. Help. Really. You don’t have to do it all yourself. Refer to #1. Delegate decorating to kids or ask your partner to help you this year. Maybe you go to the grocery store to get the dinner fixings together. Maybe your husband can be in charge of buying the gifts for his side of the family if that usually falls to you. Make a list. Assign to your team. Kick back with your tea and watch people actually rise to the occassion.

10.  Resist the urge to swoop in and make sure they do it your way. Reference #3. I think the reason so many of us go in to fix it mode after betrayal is because it was our go-to coping strategy to begin with. When in doubt, take over, be busy, don’t think, don’t feel.  And also make sure everything is just so because perfection makes everything better (#sarcasm). Once you’ve delegated a task, trust that the person doing the task will get it done. It may not be your way but there is more than one “right” way. Let go.

11.  Be grateful. For whatever you can muster gratitude for. Your health. Your kids. The roof over your head. Your dog. For friends and family that love and support you. For sunshine. For the smell of snow. For a chance to live another day. Whatever you can feel gratitude for, keep your eyes on that. Its hard, in the wake of betrayal to feel grateful for anything. But over time, remembering what you have, the good stuff, helps you get past or let go of what no longer serves you or what you feel you’ve lost.

12.  Be sad. If you need to. The overarching glory of the holidays tends to silence or erase our sad feelings.  And like so much of our experience as betrayed wives, we just need room to feel our stuff all the way through. We see others being happy, normal, living lives not marred by this weight and we think why not me? We think of what’s missing and it takes our breath away. Ideally, share your sadness with someone who understands and can love you through your sadness. But even on your own, sadness won’t kill you. I promise. Let yourself have it, if that’s what you need right now.

13.  You have permission to change your mind. You can feel like you want to go to a party when you get the invitation but when the time comes, you may just have had a bad day. You may be too tired and sad. You are allowed to stay home and take care of yourself.

14.  Be happy. Give yourself permission for this too. There’s a lot going on right now. If you find yourself surprised in the moment by some happiness, wrap your arms around that shit and enjoy it. Post-betrayal, some of us feel like good feelings are not permitted. That if we feel happy, even for split second, we are letting him off the hook. Our happiness is just that. Ours. Let yourself have it.

Holidays can be tough for so many reasons. Remember that you are not alone. We are all standing here with you. And if you feel overwhelmed, stuck in depression or like you just can’t take another day please call 1-800-273-8255. It’s for everyone, open 24/7 and free.