The holidays can be tough, what with families and
history and people in our lives expecting unrealistic things of us and our own
selves expecting unrealistic things of us. Add in post-trauma from betrayal and you have got a seriously heavy load to
carry.
I am a recovering perfectionist. Being a perfectionist
sucks. You think no one will love you unless you do everything absolutely
right. This always comes back to my “enough-ness”, that softest of all my soft
spots. You destroy yourself through over achieving, you
hustle for worthiness, trying to make everything just right for everyone
else and losing yourself in the process.
At this time of year, it takes on an even deeper level of
intensity. Christmas (that’s the holiday I do. Feel free to insert your holiday
loaded with expectations and desperation here) must look like the love child of Currier &
Ives and Pottery Barn. Everything must sparkle and glow
(decorate every room in the house and do the outside lights by myself). Mince
pies perfectly dusted with powdered sugar (stay up till midnight baking because
everyone will be disappointed if you bring something store-bought). All
presents on list purchased and wrapped (everyone must have piles of things to
open. Everything for the kids must be fair and equal. I must make sure I get
presents for my friends and my kids' friends despite my dwindling budget). All
parties attended and dressed in appropriately festive attire and everyone well brushed
and behaved (crap, my son needs a haircut. Does he have clean pants that aren’t
athletic?! WTF am I going to wear?). Fake that smile as if my life depended on
it (even as I’m triggered watching other people’s husbands over-indulge in
alcohol and breathe the fumes on me). Visit out-of-town relatives for parties I
dislike and sleep in uncomfortable rooms or on slowly deflating air mattresses (but
don’t dare suggest we say “no” because someone might be disappointed. Gasp). A
frenzy of shopping and shipping and wrapping and cooking and visiting and
trying so hard to make sure all the people in my life have all their needs met.
Even needs they didn’t know they had. Wow. I’m exhausted just writing that.
With the discovery that I don’t have to be perfect to be
loveable and these amazing things called boundaries (what is and is not okay with
me), the holidays get just a little bit easier.
1.
Give yourself a break. You don’t have
to do it all. You don’t have to sit through movies or music or anything that
upsets you or just makes you feel lousy. You don’t have to be strong for
others. You don’t have to be strong at all. You don’t have to be super mom or
Mrs. Claus.
2.
Say no. To invitations that don’t fit your
schedule. To doing things for other
people that you don’t want to do. To anything that feels like a bad idea. To
your husband wanting to go out for drinks with his pals, if that doesn’t suit
you just now. To anything your gut tells you is not good for you right now.
There’s so much pressure to be nice and do all these things we don’t want to
do. You can say no and still be nice. They are not mutually exclusive. Resist
the urge to explain or justify your no. “Thanks for thinking of me, but no
thank you.” Repeat as necessary.
3.
Let go of
expectations. For yourself, that you get everything done, that all the
boxes are checked off, that you feel a certain way. Don’t expect that you should feel happy or
joyful or forgiving just because some arbitrary holiday season says you should
be feeling those things. Let go of expectations for others; that they do more
or be more capable of something or different than they are. When you can start
seeing and accepting people where they are, you don’t get disappointed. And
those people can tell when there is a new room for them to show up in. Let go of the idea that things need to go a
certain way or look a certain way or be a certain way.
4.
Say yes
to self-care. Sleep, eat to take care of yourself, exercise, meditate,
read, make time for you. See #2 above. Get your nails done. Visit with friends.
Call your mom/sister/other reliable support person.
5.
Whenever possible don’t engage with toxic relatives. Don’t take the bait when one
tries to get a rise out of you. Let the complainer’s complaints roll off you.
They are about her, not you. Don’t bite when individuals question your life
choices. Don’t sit next to people who set you off or are emotionally risky for
you. Have an escape plan. You are allowed to leave early.
6.
Boundaries.
Boundaries. Boundaries. A well-meaning relative may pressure you to
eat more because they have made something “especially for you.” You can say
thank you and then go ahead and eat or not eat what you had intended. Your husband wants to go to a work holiday
party after hours. Does that make you uncomfortable? Does he get to go but
needs to check in? Or do you go with
him? You decide what works for you. That’s your boundary.
7.
Drop the
judgement. You are not a bad person for not wanting to spend more time with
relatives or in-laws. You are, rather, putting yourself first and that makes a
lot of us (and others) supremely uncomfortable. You are not a failure because
you did not make 800 lbs of shortbread cookies. Be gentle and compassionate with
yourself.
8.
Remind yourself that you are doing an awesome fucking job. At showing up. At breathing.
At getting through each day. Maybe you made your bed. Win! Maybe you had tea
with a friend. Win! Maybe you decided the laundry could wait another day. More winning!
9.
Ask. For.
Help. Really. You don’t have to do it all yourself. Refer to #1. Delegate
decorating to kids or ask your partner to help you this year. Maybe you go to
the grocery store to get the dinner fixings together. Maybe your husband can be
in charge of buying the gifts for his side of the family if that usually falls
to you. Make a list. Assign to your team. Kick back with your tea and watch
people actually rise to the occassion.
10. Resist the urge to swoop in and make sure
they do it your way. Reference #3. I think the reason so many of us go in
to fix it mode after betrayal is because it was our go-to coping strategy to
begin with. When in doubt, take over, be busy, don’t think, don’t feel. And also make sure everything is just so because perfection makes everything better (#sarcasm). Once you’ve delegated a
task, trust that the person doing the task will get it done. It may not be your
way but there is more than one “right” way. Let go.
11. Be grateful. For whatever you can
muster gratitude for. Your health. Your
kids. The roof over your head. Your dog. For friends and family that love and
support you. For sunshine. For the smell of snow. For a chance to live another
day. Whatever you can feel gratitude for, keep your eyes on that. Its hard, in
the wake of betrayal to feel grateful for anything. But over time, remembering
what you have, the good stuff, helps you get past or let go of what no longer
serves you or what you feel you’ve lost.
12. Be sad. If you need to. The overarching glory of the holidays tends
to silence or erase our sad feelings.
And like so much of our experience as betrayed wives, we just need room
to feel our stuff all the way through. We see others being happy, normal,
living lives not marred by this weight and we think why not me? We think of
what’s missing and it takes our breath away. Ideally, share your sadness with
someone who understands and can love you through your sadness. But even on your own, sadness won’t kill you.
I promise. Let yourself have it, if that’s what you need right now.
13. You have permission to change your mind.
You can feel like you want to go to a party when you get the invitation but
when the time comes, you may just have had a bad day. You may be too tired and
sad. You are allowed to stay home and take care of yourself.
14. Be happy. Give yourself permission for
this too. There’s a lot going on right now. If you find yourself surprised in
the moment by some happiness, wrap your arms around that shit and enjoy it.
Post-betrayal, some of us feel like good feelings are not permitted. That if we
feel happy, even for split second, we are letting him off the hook. Our
happiness is just that. Ours. Let yourself have it.
Holidays can be tough for so many reasons. Remember that you
are not alone. We are all standing here with you. And if you feel overwhelmed,
stuck in depression or like you just can’t take another day please call 1-800-273-8255.
It’s
for everyone, open 24/7 and free.
I will read this everyday for the next 2 weeks. Thank you. I am grateful for all I have and Havent lost. I am grateful for my children. I am grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for this site.
ReplyDeleteXoxox
How does one in our position get past the unjust feelings of this betrayal? I feel so upset in getting through the "how could he have done this" thoughts and feelings. How could he have possibly loved me while he was having a 2 year love affair PLUS multiple other relationships all at the same time during our ENTIRE relationship? Mental health issues or not, this is very difficult to sort through from a rational non-addictive mind.
ReplyDeleteI have difficulty believing him when he says I am the only woman he has ever loved and the feelings of love he felt for them weren't real. My broken heart tells me they were real at least to ME. Him saying they weren't real pisses me off to no end. He was doing what he was doing and just because he say it wasn't real, doesn't meant this didn't happen.
Am I stupid for still being here after all he has done? While he accepts 100% responsibility and is an amazing partner today, I feel that he's trying to minimize this because he says it was an addiction.
UGHHHHH
It's a good question, Spouse of an SA. And I think it's different for each of us. I got through it by reading a lot about sex addiction. My husband helped by explaining to me (with great shame) just how objectified the people he was with were to him. They were "porn with skin on", as sex addiction is sometimes described. I came to understand that the sex was a compulsion, like how I just ate a third of a cheesecake even though I knew, even as I was scarfing it down, that it would make me feel sick (it did. I do).
DeleteIf you haven't already, listen to Esther Perel's podcast with a couple dealing with sex addiction. She does a really beautiful job of getting the husband to understand why his wife is having such a hard time. And don't force yourself to understand quite yet. You'll get there. It defies logic. SA is the product of an unhealthy brain, poor coping skills, and the ability to compartmentalize in a way that most of us can't imagine.
And I know we often look at the idea of "addiction" as letting someone off the hook but what it's really saying is that "I cannot control myself in certain circumstances so I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BE IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES." It's about total accountability and recognizing that you have to build a life around dealing with and responding to the addiction. That's hardly "off the hook" or "minimizing." It's admitting he has a chronic condition that he alone is responsible for managing.
Podast link: https://www.estherperel.com/podcast (scroll down to The Addict)
I know I am constantly sharing podcasts here, but I found this recent Dear Sugars (my most favorite podcast), such an excellent show for betrayed spouses trying to make heads or tails of what is happening. Though it is about being partners with an addict, it applies to us all: http://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/12/02/a-spy-in-the-house-of-love-with-ariel-levy
DeleteSpouse of a SA, Elle speaks the truth. My husband also passed all the SA tests with flying colors and I, just like you, unfortunately struggled way too long with the "how could he and what the hell were you thinking and so I should believe all those whores just fell on your c*ck?" Not healthy thoughts at all. I'm beginning to understand that my husband was not rational. He was responding to his awful childhood in unhealthy ways. It started way before he met me and all of it was grandfathered into our marriage. We've been married almost 39 years. He has always said he loved me and only me. He sees himself as a very different man now. He sees himself as the person he always wanted to be. It has taken enormous work on his part. It still does at times. He understands how his mind works. He is confident in himself and my reactions to actually tell me when something happens that causes his brain to say, "open the computer". It is shocking to me to hear the things that generate that response and in the past he would but now he understands where it comes from and just tells himself "NO", that is not helpful or healthy. (For example he was recently dealing with some problematic banking issues with clerks who really need more training and he got so frustrated his brain suggested porn!" I'm thinking to myself, "honey, this is not that big a deal however in his mind it was totally off the frustration scale and in the past he would turn to porn to deal with that!" Holy crapola. Who does that? A person like your husband and mine. The porn led to prostitutes. An ugly cycle. After almost 2.5 years things are very manageable for me except for these big news triggers.
DeleteI recently found this other site. I have no idea who writes this blog about living with a sex addict but it is helpful. I'm feeling really hopeful. I hope you get there too. It takes time.
https://livingwithasexaddict.com/
MBS
DeleteI LOVE that you are "constantly" sharing podcasts here! Please continue! I learn so much that I wouldn't be exposed to otherwise. I truly thought this after a recent link you posted: "dang, how many podcasts does that lady listen to?!?!" I figure you must have a long commute :) I love it! Good stuff. Many thanks.
Ladies thank you so much!
DeleteI am definitely going to listen to the Ester Perel podcast Elle recommended as well as the Dear Sugar podcast MBS suggested. Dear Sugar has a great book as well - Tiny Beautiful Things, and while it doesn't specifically deal with betrayal in each and every letter, her advice can certainly be related to in general.
Beach Girl - Living with a Sex Addict was my go-to in the early days after the full disclosure (and suicide attempt) before I found the BWC. Like Elle, The Wife is extremely compassionate and being a writer (like Elle), has a way with words and explains things very simply and easy to relate. I love the BWC of course because of Elle, but also because of all of you. I feel so supported and not so alone - I see your lanterns on the beach while I'm out in the dark ocean. The interaction on this site is what keeps me calm and sane. Your responses feel like a hug, and I thank you so much for that.
I saw my Psychologist last night and she recommended that he and I find a way to serve, find a way to make good out of this - and the service must be related to "this". Not sure what that looks like, but I'm pretty excited.
Spouse of an SA-this might be a risky move, but in my desperation to "understand" what the fuck was happening, i rented a 2011 movie called 'Shame" and hot damn if it's not title perfectly. it is an SA in action. NOT all the glamour you might expect. Although I know you have said that your H was into "real" women and not paid sex. this movie is brutally honest in what a SA will go through to get his high, while in the real world he's listening to classical music and opening doors for old ladies (sent chills down my spine because my SA husband is THAT guy--thoughtful and caring and well mannered in front of me and our friends). I was easily triggered after d-day 1 but more pissed after d-day 2 when I watched this, so if you are 2 years out you might be able to handle it. But it's not pretty--NOR is it sympathetic to SAs. it just shows the massive desperation and shame cycle they are known to go through. I'm not sure it would help you but for some reason it really helped me to see the ugliness not of my H, but the ugliness of his 'disease' and situation, which was exactly how he explained it to me later. Whew.
DeleteThank you for the recommendation Steam, I will definitely look into that movie! I am not even 1 year out but am always looking at ways to understand (if possible). I just listened to the Esther Perel podcast Elle recommended above- WOW. EXACTLY is all I could say, a few tears were shed as well.
DeleteDuring the acting out years (and even more now), my spouse was also thoughtful, caring, compassionate and all of the other wonderful things that made me feel so fortunate to have him. Looking back I had suspicions and very clear signs that he was cheating, but I am still so shocked. I hope that shocked feeling goes away eventually and turns into acceptance. I am definitely not there yet.
How many years has it been since d-day 2 for you? How are you doing now?
Spouse of SA, it sounds like Steam's husband and my husband could be twins. Mr. Clean as a Whistle, thoughtful nice guy, helpful, etc while with his family and friends and a totally different guy when unsupervised and out of town. I did not watch Shame but I thought long and hard about it and I read a ton of reviews. Desperation and Shame about sum up what my spouse felt. He is not that guy anymore and he recognizes when his brain talks to him. George Collins writes a great book for Overcoming Sex Addiction. That was the book that really changed things for my husband and then he took an 8 week class in Mindfulness for Addictions. He said the mindfulness class was the best thing he ever did. He has worked hard. He has shared a lot with me and it is so hard to hear after being together so many years. We are bent and not yet broken. I have a ways to go. I still just can't imagine "celebrating" our upcoming anniversary. It may happen but I won't know until it gets here. We use to go to Hawaii for our anniversary and the two years before he disclosed he spent a fortune on paid whores. That is unforgivable to me. He says they were not related. (our anniversary trip and his whores) but in my mind, it is still, "We go to Hawaii to celebrate our anniversary and you can hardly wait to go spend a fortune for an hour with a young Asian whore?" He says the problem is that I look at it rationally and he was not rational at all. That does not change things for me yet. Sending a hug.
DeleteBeach Girl,
DeleteYes my husband was/is also Mr. Clean, this is why I'm still so shocked. I literally feel a shock run through my brain and body (my therapist says it's PTSD).
I agree with you wholeheartedly, we try to put things together like "oh this MUST have happened because of this and that", it just doesn't make sense any other way - but even that way doesn't make sense! It's a pointless cycle because they ARE separate and were compartmentalized, and we may never be able to understand the why or how because we don't have that kind of mind. I will never understand how he thought the viable option to relieve his anxiety/depression/low self-esteem was to have multiple simultaneous affairs. It only caused MORE anxiety. How he thought this would make it better is way beyond me.
I have come to understand that my husband is more of a "Love & Sex Addict" than a sex addict alone. His high was twofold:
1. he charmed and gave attention to women who were usually overweight, unattractive and damaged so they would be shocked by this attention and then admire, desire and fall in love with him (the conquest) but he also picked these women because he felt superior to their unattractiveness and damage; and
2. the rush of the RISK of the planning of the sex (not the sex)
He and I could have had plenty of sex but he always turned me down because it was not a conquest or a risk. Again - it will never make any sense to me, but this is what I have come to understand about his actions.
Sending a hug back to you, and I really hope you can find a new kind of happiness for your anniversary. xoxo
Spouse of an SA D-day 1 was dec 30 2013--and dday2 was june 5 2016. I'm honestly doing well. I have some displaced anger and I also am prone to withdraw when i am feeling bad thoughts, there is a little voice in my head that STILL says "don't stir the pot" which is ridiculous and my own problem, not my H's. but on the day to day, I'm actually doing well.
DeleteI still look for ways to cope and deal with things of my own, and not "fixing" my husband. I've put a lot of books in the "books for the betrayed" sections including three that were life savers. One is
"Sex Addiction" The Partners Perspective" and
"Living with a Sex Addict The basics from Crisis to Recovery"and
"your sexually addicted spouse"
also listen to Esther (although i sometimes find her triggering) and really like the Sugars--
Cheryl Strayed-"Tiny Beautiful Things" is a great book. I hope it helps.
Beach Girl--compartmentalization is a CRAZY thing right? Same with our vacations I found later. The guy got two blow jobs one morning that I slept in. he went out for coffee and got a little bonus for himself while he was doing the good dead. His crazy brain thought that he had earned it since, you know, he was driving around looking for coffee--
It's true, we cannot ever ever make sense of it. So many vacations were centered around hookers and I had NO idea.
Thanks SS1,
ReplyDeleteThis is a time of year that I am very grateful for this blog. And this post in particular.
My final Dday was 1 year ago, election night. It's been a rough month for me.
My H's A with a slutty family member began 12 years ago the Monday after Thanksgiving (that's when the COW sent him the first flirtatious email... 3 days after we had Thanksgiving with the extended family when I was 8 mos pregnant with our 2nd child). They had sex once in the backseat of our family car some Wednesday between Thanksgiving & Christmas. The COW's BH found their emails shortly after and confronted my H on Christmas Day. The A then "ended" and the 3 of them conspired to keep it from me "because of the children". I say "ended" because there was some amount of intermittent email sexting that occurred after that for months/years. 1 week later my H took all his cousins & the COW and bought their tickets to a local theme park, I home pregnant with pneumonia, working full-time and caring for a toddler. There he was paying for the COW and her H (who then knew). So much for no-contact. 2 weeks later our 2nd child was born. 4 years later, with all of this unbeknownst to me, we took the extended family out for a pre-Christmas dinner and H let me pay for the COW's meal (they were struggling financially, I have a very good job). 2 weeks after our 2nd child's 4th birthday the COW's H filed for divorce so she contacted my H again and CH took the bait and agreed to meet her in the backseat of our family car for sex again. But this time he could not perform and they went there separate ways for good. Fast forward 7 years until the ex-H (who btw is my H's cousin) told me about my H's infidelity on social media. Yep.
So this time of year - a time that used to be my greatest joy is now a challenge. We hosted the meals. I decorated like Clark Griswold. Made sure the gifts given were thoughtful. Planned every detail. Made everything from scratch. Last year I could barely get out of bed let alone put up anything or cook. My sweet youngest child put up the decorations. Now early November through the end of January is smack full of bad anniversaries. So best I can do is completely change our traditions. I have said goodbye to his toxic family. They all knew and did nothing but gossip behind my back. They are a trigger for me and I don't get any benefit from having them in my life. I have become pretty good with self-care. We no longer host the parties - last year we went out for dinner, this year we are traveling. Less triggers. But Election Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and our child's birthday will always remind me of H's betrayal. I'm still working on H having empathy. He has sorrow & regret. But he has a ways to go in my opinion until he demonstrates true empathy.
Thanks for listening.
All of our stories are just hard to believe. I can see where you not only feel betrayed by your husband but everyone else who knew. I told my husband shortly after dday I would rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. And it is so true the actions do not upset me as much as the lies.
DeleteMy husband is a huge advocate of corrective emotional experiences. He is in the mental health field and he said it is a great technique for a lot of challenges in life. But he has pushed big time year round for this. It sounds like you are off to a great start in making changes. It saddens me at times that we have had to change what we do and what I thought of as traditions. But I also look at it as I can shape what is best for me and that in turn is best for my kids. As they have gotten older too we think of new ideas and they get excited to plan. It has become a lot less about what I want and what they want and what we decide as a family. For major family holidays that has made it a lot easier for me to handle.
The hardest day for me is my child's birthday that is when he started his first affair a couple weeks before they were born. I feel horrible about it but I am sad on so many levels. It makes me sad looking back at the time leading up to the birth and after for 10 years. I cannot undo time but that really is the hardest for me. I try to focus on the positives and put my energy and enjoyment into my child since they did not ask for this. It has worked well so far but proves to have its challenges.
Hang in there and know we are all in this together!
Browneyedgirl
DeleteDitto to every word you wrote. I’m guilty of everything you said except that last year I finally was able to take and live the holiday advice I have found heat and begun to use it in relation to what this post is saying. We all spent a long time fill in your own timeline doing what we thought everybody else needed. Beginning this year we began a new tradition... for my mother’s 80 birthday party I asked everyone to bring a steak and I only had to supply salad potato and desert with others bringing what ever. It was so much easier than years ago when I did it all. I know how to pace myself now and I’m living through tough times with my mother and my h still wonders why I trigger and blast him? I tell him unfinished past issues. He tries to understand but he’s more likely to just avoid it happens because he is still very guilty feeling. It’s hard but one foot forward and one day at a time!
Thanks ladies. I resonate with what you said Hopeful30 about the birth of your child. I feel like every single picture of my children I look at between November '05 and January '10 makes me think "I wonder if my H was sexting his cousin's wife around the time of that photo" and I can no longer look at those photos of my kids as happy memories. I am very angry he ruined the memories for me yet I don't know how to change the way I feel when I look at their childhood photos. Its not fair to the kids.
DeleteBrowneyedgirl,
DeleteI would urge you to be gentle with yourself. This is still relatively new for you. It took me a few years to get past the "this time last year..." or "I wonder if two years ago...." stuff. It will be front of mind for awhile but, as you create new memories, the old ones will fade a bit. And you will, I believe, be able to remember those Griswold days with some pleasure. I still don't really like looking at my wedding pictures, so I don't. It was a day. But I can now look at photos of when my kids were little, at old vacations, etc. without that pang of "what was going on?" I will never know what was in his mind on certain days. But I do know how I felt. And those memories are real and valuable.
I think that day will come for you too. But give yourself time and space to mourn. And shaking things up -- all while making new memories -- is great, as long as you aren't doing it to make a point but rather to be easy on yourself. Reclaim this season in whatever form makes the most sense for you.
Great post ss1, here’s to health and a better new year for us all.. lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate my husband's honesty with me especially now more than ever. But as we talk now he tells me reasons he gave for the affairs were just excuses. For example, the stress of having kids. It came up since I told him I think having teens is more stressful than babies now that we are at this point. So I expressed how that concerns me since one of his reasons for having the affair was the stress brought on by having babies and also baby number two was when both affairs started. He basically said to me that he lived his entire life not thinking about or caring about anyone else. He was his own biggest and only priority. He said when he left the house he could go days without thinking of us if for example he was out of town. Saying all of that I struggle with since why would you ask someone to marry you and actually push to have kids. He explains that it was what he was supposed to do and it was not that he did not want to be with me.
ReplyDeleteI still question how the idea of what could be so wrong with him that he is that selfish to carry on two ten year affairs, online communications, fake email, fake fb etc. I could say a fling or even a shorter affair. But then he was the one that ended both affairs way before dday. I cannot get to any major damage or issues in his childhood except that he was entitled and I think allowed to do what he wanted due to his success. He was put on a pedestal by his family and friends but that is about all. I asked him point blank about what could be wrong with him that he did all this. He said there is no one major flaw. He said he has thought about this for years. He said on dday it was the day he grew up and changed forever. He said he has never looked back or even wanted to be back in that lifestyle even for one second. He admits he was detached and self centered. At this point since he has proven himself I feel like I am at the point of accept what he says and embrace him as he is now. I have been firm and continue to want to work on things individually and as a couple so I am not content with status quo or what he says goes.
Hopeful 30 - it’s gotta be hard for him to dissect this and understand things about himself, as he is in this field. Does he find that this major flaw he’s uncovered in himself, helps when he relates to others in his field. Does it help him help others? Just looking to see if there is a silver lining here :)
DeleteI tend to agree with the selfish act. There really is no excuse that someone having an affair can say. It’s a selfish act where you blatantly turned your back and shut out your family to focus all attention on yourself. Reasoning as to “why” are ALL excuses when it comes right down to it.
I’m happy to hear you are getting through this and understanding it as a couple. Does he also understand how hard your son’s birthday is for you? Is it equally as hard for him?
Hopeful 30 - They all have the same excuses - blah blah blah.
DeleteI'm over all their bullshit. So whilst as mothers we deal with everything from pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, rearing the kids. We don't get stressed out, and if we do we don't go and have a friggin' affair. We deal with life.
More like their selfish entitled personality.
Yep.That's my STBX.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Heartfelt, First of all due to his profession I think it fed into the affair some. Maybe not to have one but in many ways. He has told me that there are a lot of men that come to see him who have burner phones, hate their wives and are sticking around until the kids leave the house, have zero sexual interest in their wives, etc etc. So I think him hearing this so often made him feel like others are doing this, not such a big deal, he never hated me, never had a burner phone...In general I would say this is a major issue for other aspects of our life. Since he sees the worst of the worst with others it then makes him feel like our issues are not a big deal or there is so much worse out there.
DeleteProfessionally I do think this has benefited his patients. He has brought it up that he has a whole new perspective and also it can be hard for him too. It is a daily reminder for him actually. I am told almost every day from people who see him that he is amazing and has transformed their lives/family members etc.
Yes I totally agree all excuses. The only reason I have been stuck is I think part of it is really understanding to avoid future cheating. He says it is not even possible now based on who he is. IDK it can make me crazy. I just do not understand why he even wanted to get married. I guess since it was what he was supposed to do??
No he does not understand at all why my kids bday is upsetting to me. He understands other triggers but not this one. Or vacations etc. He is an expert compartmentalizer!
I explained to him this weekend that he tends to look at everything as little micro events. Where I am so macro focused. I look at his overall treatment and attitude towards himself, me and the kids. He is focused on were you upset the night I went to watch a game with friends. Where I think about how he communicated to me all day etc. It is complicated I guess. It takes a ton of work as we all know.
Gabby, So true. We do it all! And I agree with you that I would never resort to an affair even at the lowest. I will say that I had a very set plan to end my life. Nothing I am proud of and I think that was one of the hardest things for my husband to hear. Luckily he went out of town for an extended period of time I realized it was not me but him. It was a few years before dday which is interesting. it was a major turning point for me that I was like I am going to have the best life. If he is going to be a downer whatever. I would still confront him about everything but he always just deflected or had excuses. Oh well...
DeleteHopeful 30, re what is in background to make this happen, counselling has uncovered a mismatch between his mother praising him high and thinking he was good all the time (the pedestal) (and he didn't always want to be the good one - his sister got to be the rebel and he didn't) and his father criticising him. At his worst he thinks no-one cares and he has no friends, so he orchestrates friendships and with women uses the knight in shining armour method. He has no strong sense of self or self-worth or value, he lives on the surface and deals with stress on a surface level, with defensiveness and diversion, with porn, with inappropriate ego-lifting interactions. He can be kind and loving but as you said and as Gabby said, he became selfish and entitled (the counsellor would say dealing with things in a very young way - acting out, feeling aggrieved and entitled and wanting something for himself - and as Gabby said, it was not as if I wasn't giving birth (four kids 7 and under - ended up as C-sections) breastfeeding, minding, giving over all of myself, making allowances for those business start-ups invading family time. After all the heart ache of the last four years since d-day and 3 since d-day two, he still fudged and lied and then, this year had more inappropriate friendships. We have been 5 weeks in counselling and he is facing into so much but I really don't know if he can change the habits of years. It's pretty grim. Like you with your son's birthday, there are still so many events associated with family times, no corrective experiences and very hard for the betrayed to right those experiences ourselves (I've done some work on that but there is still so much emotion there.) It sounds like there is more for your h to do on your son's birthday, and sadly perhaps some stings will never go completely xx
DeleteHopeful 30
DeleteI would love to have the same ability for compartmentalism that your h and mine share! I’m sure I wouldn’t use it the way they did!
FOH, It is so hard. And I think you are right. There are some things that will just never be better. For me it has to be about focusing on today and what is good otherwise I can get down on myself and everything fast.
DeleteAnd one other thing I forgot to mention about the birthdays my husband was the best at saying how he did not care about something so what was wrong with me. And his parents never did that growing up. For example birthdays. He always maintained he could care less if his birthday was celebrated, never had birthday parties as a kid, never brought treats to school and he did not understand why people make a big deal out of them. So in turn why would we celebrate my birthday, our kids birthday beyond the most basic. Keep in mind I am not a huge over the top person. I was never raised to take off work for your birthday or even give or get huge gifts. But it was more about doing something together. Also for Mother's Day I always heard why would I get you anything you are not my mother. And no effort to help the kids coordinate anything. And his reason was I don't need or care about that for father's day. Them being themselves is all I need. So that in general was the attitude towards everything. I think what bothered me most about this and other aspects of our relationship over time is it was always his way was right. It was always why would we consider your way etc. Then during the long 10 affair years it turned to more what is wrong with you. So that is layered in there more than my kids bday alone.
I continue to ask him what was wrong with him. He maintains just basic selfishness and not growing up. To me it just seems like more. And he still maintains he wanted to marry me but maybe was not ready. So he wanted both worlds/lives. It really can be so hard. I try more than ever to focus on me first. I find myself sneaking away just to be alone. That is how I recharge and think and gain energy.
SS1, I love your post. I truly do. I am so very grateful to this blog and the wonderful women here. Thank you from the bottom of my mending heart.
ReplyDeleteStill standing 1
ReplyDeleteYou continue to inspire and encourage those who hope to get there too! You my friend are just as wise and compassionate as Elle that brought us all together so that we can truly heal and help each other! Thank you! I know this is hard for you too!
you go girl--nice job SS1. I have never been a christmas fan and christmas of 2013 was like any other. then we were witnesses and a big part a friends wedding party. the NEXT DAY i found out--which tainted everything. I always wonder what the hell would have happened if I had found out BEFORE their wedding--could I have stood up there with him, as an "example" UGH>
ReplyDeleteI had bought him a new kindle for christmas and i flashed back on how he loved it "but" there was no camera on it and blah blah blah. I remember thinking to myself that that was odd since I was the picture taker in our family. realized that it was for him to send DICK PICS. UUUUUUUUUGH....that kindle almost bit the dust. the jewelry that he bought me for christmas i ripped off my neck. I was DONE with the charade. like i said, i've never been a huge fan of christmas, but i DID love finding him the perfect gifts--and plenty of them for the holiday. LOVED it. Now I just can't even fake it for others and wonder why I did for so long. I'm throwing a tiny holiday party in two weeks and I have been stressing that it's not going to be perfect, that I wont have the perfect tree or the perfectly lit house etc etc etc--thanks for the reminder that i would NEVER judge anyones actions by the way their house was decorated and I don't need to think that I will be judged on mine.
Steam, Perfection is the enemy of joy. (Not the original quote but my own -- and a good one, I think!). When we focus on making things "perfect" we create a barrier to simple joy. Welcome your friends into your home with your particular brand of warmth and humour and fun. THAT is what people respond to.
DeleteSo true!!! Sometimes my dense skull needs a reminder. :o)
DeleteAs always - such a great post! Our "official" dday is March, but looking back, we had one in December 2 years ago, too. It was a time I overheard some things and had a plan to "catch" them and long story short it didn't happen that way. We talked, he lied, I believed...end of story. But looking back, it was really when I knew - without a doubt - and lead to 3 months of just pure torture. So this time of year is tough for me, but I feel much better able to handle it this year than last. I remember when I was grieving after losing my babies how the year of firsts was the hardest. It wasn't that things were just easier after that first year, but it was almost the anticipation of what each trigger moment would feel like was too much. That is how I felt last year - it was my first year of real triggers and it was awful. This year I am hoping to have some more peace of mind and am just better able to handle what comes.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I was thinking about how crazy I make myself in my own mind. That doesn't mean that my husband is doing all things right or we are through it and it's all on me - but my mind destroys me sometimes. I know you all know what I mean. I can think myself into anxiety at the drop of a hat. Lately I have really been focusing on NOW...how do I feel RIGHT NOW? Am I okay right now? If yes - then I've been working to give myself a break and just be. I know there are triggers ahead and I know that just about when I start feeling good I feel bad again....but....I can almost feel a shift happening in me. I've told myself for a long time now that while I will never say never (I've learned there are no absolutes in this healing process)...but while I will never say never, I do know that no matter what happens I will be okay. That if my husband hurts me again with his OW/coworker or with anyone really that I am done. That i am okay with my choice in my mind to have him move out and be done. Again - I will never say never, but knowing that I have some peace in that decision has given me some much needed clarity lately.
Does that make sense? Today - I am okay. Today - I feel love from my husband and between us. Today - I felt sharing when he was telling me what was ahead in his day. Today - I felt peace as he walked out the door. Today - I am okay.
Here's hoping each of you are feeling it, too. YOU ARE OKAY.
Jules,
DeleteI think you are right on track with focusing on today. You said it brilliantly when you acknowledged that none of us knows what the future holds but we’re not blind to what could happen.
I think my illusion of complete control of my life was why I personally was so blindsided by my husband’s affair. Elle has talked about this a number of times on this site.
While I’m certainly not a perfect example of living in the present, I do know that it’s really the best choice for me. We’ve worked through the issues that got us to d-day and over 2 1/2 years from that, my husband continues to prove to me that he deserved a second chance. And now I find when I’m focused on the past (which I can’t change) I stay stuck and when I worry too much about the future, I make myself crazy.
Hugs, Jules! ❤️ We are okay.
Jules, as the Buddha says, all suffering comes from living in the past or the future. Finding a way to stay rooted in the now is absolutely key to contentment and pleasure. Right now, you are okay. You are safe. Right now, you can keep yourself safe. It's awesome that you're able to do this.
DeleteJules, yep when you get to the point where you are done with the BS and draw the line that “things are different now” with boundaries in place then you are at PEACE. You know your worth, your limits and there’s a line. You tend not to be afraid anymore and that is great. Anxiety creeps up, but it’s part of the ongoing process.
ReplyDeleteSS1 - I love your post and it was great reminder to me. I love your ease of writing style. I have never triggered so much than in the last 2 weeks. This is the first Christmas in our home in 4 years. I just couldn't do it before. Thought I was ready this year but guess what? I'm not so sure. I'm civilized like a thin layer a veneer on wood. One small crack and I'm a goner the whole piece cracks. I triggered over baking cookies, STD trigger, anything related to affair season - triggers me. My husband knows this is a hard time for me. My heart still isn't in it. My granddaughter says - this Christmas is already better than last year. UGH My husband has been super man for me. I told him, you deserve this treatment. He said I deserve it, you don't deserve this and "we" don't deserve this. I made us a therapy appointment. I'll share with you any advice I get. My heart goes out to the wives with husbands with SA. Your strength is incredible.
ReplyDeleteI usually make myself a crazy person over Christmas. The house HAS to look perfect, the food must be perfect as do the gifts. Christmas 2016 was after DDAY and Christmas 2015 was just me being suspicious. There was no joy in holiday preparations.
ReplyDeleteThis year, I'm not killing myself. I have barely started decorating and amazingly no one died. I spent last weekend with my bff in Orlando and had a wonderful time. We ate too much, drank too much and couldn't laugh enough!
This will be my first Christmas without my Dad and my son (he is married and living across the country). I am focusing on comfort and joy. It is hard, but I don't want to give his whore rent space in my head. But when I do, I put myself in time out and find a distraction I enjoy.
In reading this blog and others, we betrayed women are all amazing and strong. If we have a bad day and we have to force ourselves to breathe,we find the strength. We find the strength to get out of bed and when we can't, we are still strong when we nurture ourselves and stay under the covers.
I wish all the wonderful, fabulous women here a very happy holiday season.
Has anyone successfully put the "healing" on hold during the holidays and had success bringing it back to the forefront afterwards?
ReplyDeleteWe are about to hit the 6 month mark of DDay ... but really we're barely past 3 months of his recommitment. There is so much left unanswered and so much more that I want to talk about but have been hesitant (ok ... chicken) to bring up. Now I just don't feel like it's the right time or that it will just be too hard to deal with right now.
Hi Kimberly,
DeleteI don't think I did it over the holidays (my D-Day was RIGHT before the holidays so it wasn't so much "healing" but rage that marked those holidays) but I did, occasionally put healing "on hold". We got rid of our first marriage counsellor and then took a few months for me to focus on me, which, I suppose is "healing" but felt like a break from the marital healing.
There honestly isn't a right way to do this. If you feel as though you need a break, then take it. It can feel so overwhelming. Make sure you take some time over the holidays, when we're often so busy, to just sit with yourself and do some self-care -- whatever that looks like for you. You might find you come back to "healing" with a renewed sense of what you need.
I felt like and still do feel like there is never a good time. What hung over me was over the years I always worried about others and maybe I guess tip toeing around when would be the right time to bring things up. After dday which was March for me I decided within reason that if I needed to talk then we would talk. Because at least for me with time thing usually get harder to bring up or lead to resentment that builds.
DeletePart of our choice within I would say the first two months was to scale back and spend most of our time together. Well the first holidays were not great. Lots of reasons but many issues. Our biggest fight/argument related to him/affairs/us was between Christmas and New Years. It was rough. But I will say it was a major change for us. It was the first time I got really angry. Those next three months were full of a ton of growth for both of us. Not sure if it was the holidays, the timing and point in our recovery or whatever. But for me I would advocate finding the time now. For me it is a huge relief. I don't want to lose more time. Too much time was taken by my husband and these ow and I wanted control. In the end my husband is always glad when I bring things up since he can notice a difference and he is usually feeling the same way or the stress from it. None of this is easy and it is so important to find what works best for you.