Betrayed wife as collateral damage: Why his affair had nothing to do with you

In the days following discovery of a partner’s infidelity, we betrayed wives often read from the same script. We weep, we beg, we scream.  “How could you do this to me?” we wail. “I’ve been a good wife,” we protest. “What does she have that I don’t have?” we demand. Etcetera, etcetera.

We contemplate our options, but rarely with a clear head. (On the advice of my lawyer, I’m leaving out the part where I plotted running my husband over with my car…but homicide, too, is a common thought! For now, though, let’s keep revenge fantasies just that – fantasies. I don’t want to have to post bail for any of you.)

Suicide can also be a far-too-common consideration. If you’re in such pain that you can’t possibly see a way out, please call a crisis line, family member or good friend. You will find your way into the sunlight again. I promise.

Our emotions tend to center on feeling like this horrible miscarriage was done TO us. But the bizarre thing about infidelity is that it likely – honestly! – had nothing to do with us. We’re just collateral damage. And if you start from that point – accepting that the affair was HIS choice (regardless of how good or bad your marriage was) and that HE needs to take responsibility for his choice, you’ll save yourself a lot of agonizing and self-flagellation.

When I was scrutinizing myself for what possibly I was lacking (too old? Too thin? Too fat? Too blonde? Too smart? Too dumb? You get the idea…), I took solace in the fact that Elizabeth Hurley was cheated on (sorry, Elizabeth). So was Sienna Miller. And Téa Leoni. And a zillion other gorgeous, accomplished, smart women. Now, honestly, if Elizabeth Hurley gets cheated on, do you really think it has anything to do with looks or success or sophistication or whatever else you think you lack?

Clearly not. Cheaters have cheated because…well…because they clearly have boundary issues and, sadly, because the’re missing something that they think they can get from an affair partner…or at least distract themselves from its lack by the ego-stroking that an affair provides. But, while you can sympathize that they’re missing something – a good job? Good health? A perfect childhood? A red sportscar? – the problem is theirs.

And – guess what? – if they’re unhappy with the marriage, it’s up to them to tell us so. And for the two of us, if we so choose, to fix it. Or separate. If affairs were a reasonable solution, they wouldn’t have to be secret. 

Myth of the Ugly Wife: Why even gorgeous women get cheated on

Stereotypes often exist for a reason. Such as, because they're an accurate assessment of what most (or at least many) believe.

Consider this: There's a good-looking guy who works in your office. He's friendly but not lecherous; intelligent; funny. Then -- thanks to that always-reliable office gossip, you find out he's cheating on his wife, whom you have never met.

What do you imagine? Well, if you're like a large number of people, you assume she's let her looks go. She's bitchy. Or a pathetic doormat. Or too focused on the kids. And you might be right.

But more likely, you're wrong.

That's the thrust of a Globe & Mail article that ran today, in which columnist Sarah Hampson takes society to task for the persistent assumption that if a man cheats, it's because his wife somehow drove him to it.

Yet there's little scientific evidence to back this up.

And certainly little anecdotal evidence. Yet that conviction can lead even further to the shame and pain that betrayed wives feel.

I picked obsessively over what she had that I didn't. In the end, the only conclusion I could reach was that the "slutty" look appealed to my spouse and I took to dressing like some cross between rehab-era Amy Winehouse and breakdown-era Britney Spears. Not exactly my best look.

In the end, I realized that my husband's cheating has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own insecurities, anxieties and lack of boundaries. Which is what he had been saying to me all along.

But when the world implies that cheating men are upgrading, it's hard to fight the stereotype.

I took some solace in the fact that Elizabeth Hurley was cheated on. Halle Berry was cheated on. Princess Diana was cheated on. Women, arguably, who are gorgeous, accomplished and smart. They did nothing wrong but love men who betrayed them. Hardly reason to be vilified.