Let's Talk About The Other Woman, Shall We?

I never imagined I could hate someone so viscerally. To help me manage my rage, I would run. At night. When I could also cry without anyone seeing me.

I would fantasize catching my husband with the Other Woman (whom I knew. She had worked for my husband for years). And then I would imagine chasing her down the street. Her running. Me driving. I would imagine her terrified face in my headlights. The tires rolling over her body. Like a rabbit. Only bigger. And uglier.

But, at some point within the first six months, I realized that my fury toward her wasn't helping me at all. I felt ugly. I felt mean. And so I began to do what various ministers in the church I attended urged all of us to do. See the face of God in every human being. Every! Even her.

Ugh.

Right?

But I was willing to try. It's not unlike the loving kindness meditation, in which we begin by imagining spreading loving kindness to those close to us – our kids, our parents, our friends. And then we extend it outwards. To our boss. To our kids' teacher. To the grocery store clerk. And then outward further until, eventually, we are imagining extending loving kindness (or at the very least, the wish for a harm-free life) to our so-called enemies. To her. 

The thing is, it worked. With time and intention, I was able to see her not as a monster but as someone who hadn't learned to transform her own pain and so she transmitted it. It felt good. Like a thousand pound millstone around my neck was gone. And, for the most part, I haven't given her a whole lot of thought since. 

But it can nonetheless help to consider the character of the Other Woman when we're still in our early raw days post D-Day. If only to recognize that, in the immortal words of my husband's therapist when I asked what she had that I didn't replied "what those women have is nothing you want."

He was so right.

It's a point that Sophie Benoit made beautifully in her most recent "Here's the Thing" newsletter. The advice seeker asked Benoit for her advice on his relationship with an ex-girlfriend who had moved back in with her ex-boyfriend but with whom he was again sexually involved. He saw himself as morally un-compromised. She saw it differently:

you aren’t doing day-in-day-out relationship shit. You two are fucking clandestinely. OF COURSE that’s “winning” some imaginary battle of what’s more exciting. I know that you two have had a bunch of emotion-laden confessions of love and like, which might make it feel as if this relationship is More Than Just Fun Sex, but let me be clear: those declarations are not actual emotional hard work, they are indulgent outpourings that build drama (and thus excitement) right into the very foundation of your affair. Late night “I miss you”s are a pale imitation of the work that goes into a loving, functional relationship.

It's, perhaps, a perfect description of an affair, isn't it? As we often remind each other on this site, an affair is fantasy. It's "late night 'I miss you's'".

She goes on to address the letter-writer's admission that he doesn't feel guilt that he's sleeping with another guy's girlfriend: 

For most people, it’s a pretty big ethical boundary to cross, no matter how much you like the person you’re crossing it for. If you do decide to look inward, I would encourage you, as much as you can, to exclude her actions from informing your self-judgement. Yes, it’s her relationship with another person; yes, she chose to cheat on her partner. But what role did you play? What does that say about your respect for monogamy in the future? What if that guy were you? 

What role did you play? she asks. It's a fair question. And it's a question that often gets overlooked by those of us who recognize, validly, that it's our husbands who have betrayed us. That the OW owed us nothing, really.

But again, I recall the words of my husband's therapist: What those women have is nothing you want. Cause ain't that the truth! No, she hadn't made a commitment to me. And yes, my real issue was with my husband who betrayed his promise, both explicit and implicit, to me. But that doesn't change that the OW (or in the case of this letter, the OM) has played a role in the harming of another person. What those women have is nothing you want.

Think hard about that. I don't care how pretty the OW is, or how young, or how desirable she might seem. What she has is nothing you want.

Now sit in a church pew or on a meditation cushion and begin to shed yourself of any connection to her beyond wishing her well a long, long distance from you. Hating her is nonetheless a connection. And you are far too amazing a person to be connected to the likes of her. 

Guest Post: What One Year Has Taught Me

by Chinook

Exactly one year ago today, I found some texts on my husband’s phone that just didn’t make sense. That moment was a knife that sliced my life apart. Before. After.

Elle calls them “anti-versaries” and I have spent some time over the past few weeks wondering how I wanted to spend this terrible first anti-versary day. Champagne with girlfriends? Spa day on my own? Something romantic with the new guy I’m seeing? (Spoiler alert: It’s my husband.)

Then a few days ago, a woman in terrible pain left a message on this site asking for help, and it was like a dam bursting: Everything I had to say in response to the questions she asked came flooding out in a thunderous torrent. Today, my first anti-versary, I am posting it for you to read.

None of this is advice. None of this is prescriptive. I just find it sometimes helps to know what other people see from their side of the table. This is what I have lived through. These are the lessons it has taught me so far. May it be of use to you.

#1. ANGER.

When the shock wore off (which took about 12 hours), I didn’t just have anger, I had violent rage. Violent. Rage. A spirit animal — a bird of fire — came and inhabited my body. I packed a bag and walked out, leaving my husband with our two little children and with no indication of when or if I’d be back. My anger was so furious that separation was the safest thing for both of us. That’s when my husband realized just how catastrophic his choices were. That was his rock bottom.

Thank God for that anger. The anger is what carried me through. 

But in short order, anger becomes toxic. After three days, I could feel the rage starting to poison me, so I thanked the Fire Bird and invited it to go inhabit the next woman whose life had cracked open and who was in danger of falling into the abyss. I returned to my life to start sorting things out. The anger remained with me for a long time, and sometimes it did flare into rage, but from that point on, I made a conscious choice to not let it take root in my heart. 

Anger begets anger. And I did not want to become an angry person.

#2. PAIN. 

The pain was more intense than any pain I have ever felt. I gave birth without an epidural or any kind of pain control, and I swear, this was the same level of pain, but sustained. For weeks.

That pain shattered the person I was, which made way for the person I became.

#3. SURVIVING MINUTE TO MINUTE. 

In those early days, the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chödrön was recommended to me by a friend. It changed everything. It taught me that instead of running from my pain, I should sit with it and see what it had to teach me. 

I took Pema Chödrön’s advice and, when I suddenly looked up at a random moment to see a tsunami of grief crashing down on me, I entered the texture of the moment, and breathed. I noticed the color of the sky, the shape of the leaves, the texture of my child’s hair, the softness of the pillows at my side. I stayed in the moment. Breathed. Gradually, the pain would lessen. It was terribly difficult but I persisted. And every time the tsunami bore down on me anew, it was slightly smaller.

This is how I survived the pain.

#4. THE MOST TRAUMATIZING THING OF ALL.

In some desperate bid to stuff the genie back in the bottle, my husband lied about the extent of his affair every day for weeks. He would swear he had told me the whole truth (which was a lie), only for me to find some credit card statement that didn’t make sense, or some app on his phone with data that seemed off. Confronted, realizing he had no escape, he would cop to this new piece of information, triggering a panic attack in me. “But this is it!” he would swear. “I’ve told you everything now!” 

But he never had. It was like having the floor shift beneath my feet. Like vertigo. “Trickle truth” is the quaint term for this, or even “staggered reveal”. But really, it’s just ongoing betrayal and  it was far more traumatizing than the affair itself.

I had heard of the term “post-traumatic stress” before. I had not yet heard of the term “post-traumatic growth”.

#5. WHAT COURAGE LOOKS LIKE.

As a society, by and large, we only value loud courage, the action hero kind of courage. Punching. Shouting. Kicking him out. Calling a lawyer. Going it alone. 

We don’t value (or even recognize) the silent kinds of courage. The courage to find compassion for yourself and others. The courage to really feel the pain. The courage to use that pain as rocket fuel to power extraordinary growth. The courage to shield our children. The courage of grace. The courage to become our own alchemists, spinning our grief into golden wisdom.

I know so many wise women. Every single one of them has known deep pain.

#6. MAKING THE HARD, HEALTHY CHOICES. 

After the first few weeks of shock and body-shaking sobbing and furious anger, I realized that I would have to actively rewire my brain to prevent all my unhealthy thoughts and feelings from creating entrenched neural pathways. I knew the anger would poison me. I knew that trolling the other woman’s social media would make me hurt more. I knew that drinking a bottle of wine every night was just making things worse. I knew that the more I thought “poor me”, the more self-pity would feel natural.

And so, I forced myself to make the hard, healthy choices. When the angry thoughts came in, I actively blocked them. When angry feelings erupted, I deliberately calmed my heart rate. When self-pity gripped me, I forced myself to feel gratitude. When I wanted to check the other woman’s Instagram, I opened a fast-paced fiction novel instead. 

I forced myself to make these choices. Forced. It was an act of will. And for a long time, it felt like it wasn’t helping at all. I was still so angry. I was still so consumed by the injustice of it all. I still obsessed over the other woman. But I kept on doing it. 

Now, a year later, my mind and heart are peaceful places in which I want to spend time.

#7. WHAT HURT(S) THE MOST.

Unlike many women I’ve heard from, I knew — knew in my gut — that something was wrong as he was starting the affair. Our marriage was in bad shape despite the years of effort I’d been making but even at that, I felt something shift. I forced us into marriage counseling and it turns out that my instincts were bang on. He booked their first date, thus starting the affair, the same day as our first marriage counseling session. 

I even asked him point-blank one night if he was having an affair. He denied it all, vociferously, and used our therapy sessions to make me think I was imagining things. But I never gaslit myself. I knew something was wrong. 

His affair “only” lasted two months and the physical component was “only” a week long and, if he has finally told me the whole truth (will I ever stop wondering?), never quite made it to being sexual (and yes, I’m defining that term in the broadest possible sense). But it wasn’t the fact that he made out with her multiple times or came close to sleeping with her once. It’s the fact that he made dinner reservations for her, not me. That he sent joking emails to her, not me. That he invited her to go hiking with him, not me. And all the while I was staying home with the two kids, unwittingly facilitating his affair. 

It hurts even now. The hurt reminds me to keep my boundaries where they belong, and to value my preternatural gut feeling over the words of anyone else.

#8. WHO TO TELL.

I know this is unusual but I didn’t make a secret of the fact that I was going through the discovery of having been cheated on. Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t advertise it. But I didn’t hide it for two reasons. The first is because I felt no shame whatsoever—my husband was the one who behaved abominably, not me. Why would I help shield him from being humiliated? Also, I knew I would need people supporting me, and that those people needed to know the truth. In the very, very beginning, I reached out to two women I barely knew that I knew had been cheated on, seeking their advice. I wouldn’t have had those people to turn to if I didn’t know they had been cheated on.

I also instinctively wanted to be a part of the ranks of women who destigmatize subjects like infidelity, which seems to disproportionately hurt women. And if I could help disabuse anyone of the bullshit notion that cheating is something they can do on the sly without hurting anyone, good. 

Now, maybe I can be that for someone else who is as desperate as I was.

#9. HOW MY COMMUNITY REACTED.

My friends were and continue, a year later, to be so supportive, which really speaks to their characters. The whole experience confirmed that I have surrounded myself with a network of extraordinary women who are smart and strong, who understand and embrace the sticky messiness of life, and who will respect and support me whether I stay or go. It also confirmed how remarkable the men and women who are spouses to these friends of mine are. They are people who value self-knowledge and are compassionate and kind.

I have one very close friend who seemed a bit bewildered by the notion that I might not immediately want to divorce my husband. She is the very definition of tact and support, so I could be wrong in my interpretation — she never said anything. But this friend has continued to support me with a very open mind and seems genuinely curious about the whole process. 

My extended family and his extended family were also remarkable. 

But my parents... When things fell apart, I literally couldn’t function. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work, and could not take care of my children. I was in crisis. I really, really, really needed someone to physically come in and take care of me and my kids for a while. My parents could have done it but for reasons I am still struggling to understand, chose not to. (My very closest friends would have done it if they could, but they all have young children and jobs of their own to juggle.)

So, who did step up to take care of me when I was incapacitated? Here’s where it gets weird. It was my husband, the man whose selfishness put me in that state. 

Looking back on it, that was what first made me consider the possibility of staying.

#10. WHY DID HE DO IT?

Thanks to the work of feminists and relationship experts like Esther Perel (and Elle, although I didn’t know her work at the time), I knew long before I was on the receiving end of infidelity that affairs are 100% because of the cheater and their issues, and 0% because of anything that has to do with the person they are cheating on. I read somewhere that being cheated on is like getting mugged. The only person who causes a mugging is the mugger.

In our case, my husband had an affair because he wanted to escape the problems in our marriage. Ironically, those problems existed largely because of him. A whole lot of crap from his horrible childhood, which he had never had the courage to deal with, suddenly overwhelmed him for reasons I won’t get into. Instead of being brave and facing the crap and accepting that he needed help to deal with it, my husband chose a random opportunity to create a double-life. In that alternate life, he had no responsibilities and therefore nothing to deal with.

I had been working diligently and patiently for years to try and make our marriage better but it turns out that the more effort I put in, the less he felt like he needed to try, and the more he felt entitled to take, take, take. Ain’t that a kick in the teeth? When I discovered his affair, my boundaries came roaring back into place and my healthy sense of entitlement came roaring back. I could literally hear the roaring in my ears as they came back from wherever I had shoved them down to over the years of self-sacrifice.

Those boundaries are all still firmly in place. And they will never budge again.

#11. WHY HER?

Again, thanks to the work of relationship experts like Esther Perel, I knew from the beginning that my husband’s affair wasn’t because I lacked something. I’m an awesome catch. When I started to learn about the other woman, it became clear to me that she was inferior to me in every way I care about: she is less educated, less accomplished, less independent, less self-aware, less ambitious, less beautiful, less wise, less worldly, less well travelled, less confident, nowhere near as well-read… The only things she had going for her were youth (and the lack of obligations that goes along with it) and a higher fitness level (see above re: youth and lack of obligations). And that was the whole point for my husband. He WANTED someone inferior to me because he liked how it made him feel better about himself.

Was I making him feel bad about himself in our marriage? Hell, no. I thought he was awesome and sexy and a fantastic dad, and I told him so all the time. The voice that made him feel inferior wasn’t coming from me, it was coming from inside himself.

So, what did the other woman have? As Elle wisely says: nothing I want. She is damaged. She lacks confidence. She is willing to not ask too many questions about why the older guy she’s dating still seems to be living with his wife and kids despite his claims that they were separating. Do I want to be like her? Of course not. 

The other thing that made him choose her is convenience. She flirted with him. She was available. She was there. And would I ever want a man to choose me primarily because I’m there? Duh. No.

When I start to forget any of this, I picture the other woman as a bug that I am flicking off my sleeve.

#12. PITYING VS. HATING THE OTHER WOMAN. 

Some people say you shouldn’t hate the other woman but rather pity her. I say do both! She was instrumental in nearly effing up my children’s lives by wrecking their family. Of courseI hate that bitch. 

That pathetic, pitiable bitch.

#13. DOESN’T SHE CARE THAT SHE RUINED MY FAMILY?

I had a few fantasies of the other woman’s devastation as she realized how much damage she had done. But would she actuallyfeel devastated? Nope. Because if she did care, she wouldn’t have done it. 

Only a person who is completely messed up could justify damaging another person in this way. I take solace in the fact that although I may be in pain, I am not messed up.

#14. STAYING FOR THE KIDS. 

I am surprised at how rarely I read about kids factoring into people’s decisions to give a cheating spouse a second chance or not. Perhaps it is a rebuttal of the sexist mantra that women should stay in a marriage at all costs for the sake of the children. 

Had we not had children I would have ended things immediately. But we do. 

And it turns out I would do anything for my kids. Including explore the possibility of a new relationship with a man who hurt me but is truly remorseful, truly willing to atone, and truly wanting to become a healthier person.

#15. WHAT WILL OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

Personally, I believe they’ll think whatever you want them to. 

Here’s why.

Most people just don’t care that much about other people’s lives. So, you don’t have to worry about them. 

Some people want to think that other people are dumb and wrong because it makes them feel better about themselves. You don’t have to worry about them, either, because they’re going to judge you for literally everything. Unfollow them on Facebook, cross them off your Christmas card list, dust your hands off and move on.

Then there are the people who don’t know what to think. For those people, you take a page out of Beyoncé’s book and make yourself the hero of your story. Tell the story of your strength, your courage, your grace. 

Even if the only person you are telling this story to is yourself, when others meet you, they will feel that they are in the presence of a warrior.

#16. YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE WORDS.

As a writer, words are extremely important to me. The words “taking him back” make me feel really uncomfortable. They just don’t reflect my experience. Because “him” – the man who cheated on me – is more or less gone at this point. Instead, over the past year of rocket-fuel-pain-powered growth, my husband has become someone amazingly different. That’s why I prefer these words instead: 

I am seeing if the person I have become might want to have a new marriage with the person he has become.

Gift Guide for the OW

When they go low, we go...lower? Hell yes. 
At Lynn Less Pain's request, we're going to create a Christmas list for the OW. Maybe not what she wants but most definitely what she deserves.
Unleash your inner Mean Girl, ladies!

Send her a lump of, ummm, coal: https://www.amazon.com/Lump-Coal-Glacial-Blue-Gift/dp/B00R28HW8Q

What a horror flick can teach us about how we talk to ourselves

There was a popular horror flick when I was younger about a babysitter being terrorized by a lunatic. He continues to call her, asking in a raspy voice, "Have you checked the children?"
The babysitter calls the police to report this harassment and the police promise to investigate. The climax of the movie – the part where everyone in the theatre shrieks in terror – comes when a police officer calls the babysitter back and tells her that "the calls are coming from inside the house."
I'm reminded of this because of a comment on the Feeling Stuck thread in which a woman, still married and reportedly happy to be, confesses that she's struggling to feel desirable because her husband cheated with someone younger and, theoretically, sexier. This woman felt old and unlovable and "ordinary". How, she asked, could she get her former confident self back?
What does this have to do with a horror flick? Because here's the thing: it's coming from inside your head. The enemy is in the house.
And that is where we need to direct our energy to ensure that this enemy is annihilated, or at least tamed.
It's not easy. The enemy might have our voice but the words likely sound a lot like those that came from your mother. Or your stepfather. Or your college boyfriend. Even your husband. Maybe what you hear sounds a lot like what we see on social media, where women are attacked for everything from their weight to their hair to the language they use. For centuries, women have been policed -- our bodies, our ideas. So it's no surprise that we've internalized this. It's no surprise that the enemy is now within.
Cause being younger doesn't necessarily mean better unless we agree with our cultural worship of youth. Being younger generally means less life experience. It means less perspective. It means less nuance. And being "new" means she doesn't have the same history with your partner – showing up day in and day out for life's moments – that you do. So she has a tight ass. Big deal. Talk to me when she has a moral compass.
The only way to battle that internal enemy is to, first, notice it. Pay attention next time you hear criticism coming from inside your own head. Anything from "what an idiot I am" to "I'm disgusting". And then challenge it. Are you really an idiot? I doubt it. I imagine, like the rest of us, you have your moments. You say something dumb or you lose something important or you forget something. Oh well. Welcome to the club.
As for disgusting, no you're not. If you're not taking care of yourself, then it's time to start. But that's it. Tell yourself you're disgusting often enough and that's all you'll be able to see. You'll completely miss everything that's incredible about you. Your sense of humour. Your insight. Your kindness. None of that is disgusting.
But when all we hear is a steady stream of criticism, that becomes our reality. The enemy of the women who commented about having lost her confidence isn't this younger Other Woman. It's the voice in her head. The one that agrees that youth is somehow preferable.
Maybe this voice has something to teach her. Maybe she's bored with her own life. Maybe what she's after isn't youth (especially when it comes in a package that's lacking a heart and soul) but vitality. Maybe she needs to stir things up a bit – try a new hobby, take a trip, do something unexpected.
Or maybe she needs to stop beating herself up for having taken more trips around the sun than this morally challenged Other Woman. Maybe she needs to see the beauty in eyes that crinkle when she smiles, a body that has weathered a few more storms.
Next time you hear that voice, remind yourself that it's the enemy within. And that's an enemy that you can control.

Inside the Mind of An Other Woman

Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) recently penned a piece for the Mental Health Issue of the New York Times Magazine confessing her "seduction addiction". 

In it, she lays bare her need to draw men's attention to her, away from their significant other. Unattached men, it seems, were less appealing than those for whom she had an adversary, a competitor. Seduction was sweeter, apparently, when it was harder won. 

She was rarely satisfied with her conquests. The incessant hunger for attention was not so easily tamed. She would grow tired and bored with someone whose gaze for her no longer burned as brightly and be attracted by the next shiny new man for whom she could do her crazy dance of "look at me! Love me!"

It's a candid look inside the mind of women who prey on attached men. I'm unsure why she wrote it, frankly. She had nothing really to gain and plenty to lose. But she's shown us something we rarely see so honestly: the truth about the Other Woman. Or at least some of them.

One of the points that particularly struck me was this: There was nothing special about the men she sought. It wasn't about love or soul-mates or star-crossed lovers. These men were merely different. 

And different can be intoxicating. Until it isn't anymore. Until it's revealed to simply narcissism dressed in sexy clothing.

It's true also for our unfaithful spouses. These women they cheat with aren't special. But they are different. And so our husbands construct a story based on what they imagine they see in that person's eyes. Interest. Desire. Escape. A parallel universe.

It's difficult for we betrayeds to understand, unless we too have been tempted by the allure of possibility. To us, these women are so obvious. They're manipulative. They're morally bankrupt. They're self-centered. They're crazy. They need a good therapist not a new boyfriend. 

And it can be tough for our spouses to realized they've been had. That they were nothing special themselves. That they were being used. They'll sometimes resist admitting that. It's humiliating, after all. 

Gilbert recognized the menace she'd become and created the conditions for change. For that, I applaud her. But I ache for the women who were devastated by her seduction campaign. We know their pain. 

Responding to the Other Woman: Elle Unleashed

Definitely not smiling!

A woman recently posted a comment on my blog post Open Letter to the Other Woman. Here it is:

Does anyone (like me) ever wondered why the other woman always gets the blame, and the husband gets welcomed back with open arms??

Does the Wife forget;
He tooks the Vows
Hes the one betraying his family
Hes the one telling the lies

In my case..He initiated the cheating and the chase. Lied about getting a divorce. 
And actually im educated..with a degree..; a single parent of two children.

I was the other women, and a month ago i decided to end it with him finally after two years. 
Only this week his Wife has been trying to call me on a witheld number and i refused to answer to her. Beacuse I know if i did answer..she would not like what i had to say.

As far as i see it. This is their issue, not mine. 

This also highlights to me, the major issue in cheating marriages. Why is the wife is calling the other woman?? Does she not trust her husband to tell her the truth??
Does she not trust him at all??
Do they have an issue with communication??

All he did in the two years was complain about her.
However I finally caught onto it, that things were never going to change. After asking him many times...if its so bad, why are you still there?? therefore something must be going right.

But Yeah i acknowledge my part. its My Bad. 

And as far as im concerned..the issues in the marriage are prevalent long before he has the affair/s. Im pretty sure, im not the first and wont be the last. 
You see...what he wants in the other woman, is what he doesnt have in his wife. The only reason he doesnt leave the wife, is either;

because of guilt
beacuse its easier to go back to the comfort of what you have
because he knows after confessing and worming his way back she is going to take him back eventually
because of kids (he had none)

but they do not stay for the right reasons. So the wife can blame the other woman all she wants. It still doesnt change who he is, and what he did.

Cheating husbands risk losing their marriage all the time. 
If they really honoured their committment, loved their wives,and family so much, do you really think they would take that risk??

Until the next time that is.

I felt compelled to respond:

Anonymous,
You're a brave woman wading into these waters. But you ask a number of questions so I'm going to assume you genuinely want answers. Let me enlighten you.
You're right about many things. Chances are there were issues in the marriage long before you came along. And clearly the husband in your case wasn't emotionally capable of dealing with them so chose to distract himself with you. Happens all the time, right?
And then the wife finds out, all hell breaks lose and you start getting phone calls begging for info.
Let me put you into the wife's shoes for a minute.
She's probably aware that something hasn't been right. That her husband isn't around so much. That when he is, he's distracted or uninterested. Short-tempered. Perhaps outright hostile. That's pretty standard for cheaters with a shred of conscience. They feel crappy about what they're doing but don't want to stop doing it. So they look for reasons why what they're doing is okay. They convince themselves that the wife "nags", she doesn't like sex, she doesn't "support" him, blah blah cliché blah.
Sometimes it's even true. As mom of two kids, you likely know that there are nights you're just too damn tired for sex. There are times when you need to talk to your husband about helping out around the house. You need to discuss bills. Home maintenance. Let's be honest, grown-up life is sometimes incredibly dull.
Nonetheless, the wife loves her husband. And, frequently, he loves her too. They've known each other for years. They've looked into their newborns' eyes and been rendered speechless. They've sat beside elderly parents taking their last breath. They've shared birthdays and anniversaries and held feverish kids who can't sleep.
So when she finds out that this person she's opened her heart to is cheating on her, she's thrown completely off her feet. She trusted this guy. With her future, her children. Who the hell is he, anyway? She begs him to tell her why he did this. Sometimes he'll blame her, sometimes he'll blame his life, his boss, his drinking, his weakness. Sometimes he'll accept blame for just making a whopping mistake. Sometimes he'll believe he's in love with the Other Woman and leave. Most of the time, though, he hasn't a god-damn clue why he did it. And now that he truly realizes what he stands to lose, he's even more clueless why he did it. There's generally one reason: it felt good. Not the sex, but the escape. The banality of life was temporarily suspended. It's the reason people gamble. Or shop. Or eat too much. Or drink. Or take drugs. Escape. It's intoxicating.
Out of fear, in an effort to minimize damage, these guys often offer what's called "trickle truth". They minimize what happened ("we just kissed" "it was just one night" "she means nothing") or they outright lie ("I swear nothing happened" "she's just a work colleague"). In the meantime, the wife is frantically trying to piece together her life ("was he with her when I took the kids to my mother's? were they together when I was beside my dying father in the hospital? were they together when I was up all night with our son's ear infection?") in order to shine a light on where things went off the rails, on how much of her life is fact and how much is fiction. I can't explain to you, unless you've been there, just how terrifying it is to believe your life has been a lie. You wonder if anything is true, if you can trust anyone.
So, out of desperation, you call the Other Woman. Not for any other reason than you've got some missing pieces and you're hoping she can help you complete the puzzle. You know it's a risk. You know this person has the potential to tell you things that can destroy any shred of self-esteem you might have left. That she could take your broken heart and piss on it. And sometimes she does. But sometimes she recognizes that this wife likely isn't the monster her husband pretended she was to ease his own guilt and get her into bed.
Sometimes the OW is able to see that this is a flawed guy who made a colossal mistake. Sometimes, let's be clear, the guy is just a total asshole who feels entitled to whatever and whomever he wants. But you're referring to the couples who stay together, assuming, as you say, that none do it "for the right reasons".
I'll tell you one thing. Going back to the "comfort of what you have" sounds NOTHING like what marriage is like after an affair. It is HELL ON EARTH. 
It is excruciating for any guy with a conscience to see the pain they've caused their wives and know that they did it. Some guys simply can't face it. They're the ones who blame their wives for "never getting over it" and take the first exit. Some wives don't want to give them the chance to do it again. Each of us walks her own path.
Those of us who let them "worm their way back"? The smart ones among us demand that they face what they did and work hard to figure out why they risked their marriage for what so many of them insist meant nothing. There's many reasons, which often had little to with the OW herself. A sense of failure in life, fear of aging, job loss, inability to handle life's stresses, addiction...the list goes on. Again, it generally boils down to escape. An affair is a distraction. Men (and women) fall in love with what they see in their affair partner's eyes – that they're sexy and interesting and fun. There are no mortgages, not built-up resentments, no rude teenage kids, no "headaches". That's why they take the risk. Because they want adoration without the hard work of creating that within their marriage, over years and years.
You're right that some of these guys will never learn. They will cheat again. And they're not worth a second chance. They probably weren't worth the first one.
But not all of them.
And not all women blame the OW. We know it was ultimately our husbands who violated their commitment to us. But we also know that, when we were hit on by married guys (and we were), there was a wife at home who didn't deserve this pain. We know that if a guy is worth it, he'll do the right thing, get out of his marriage, and find a woman he respects enough to not hide.
We know that so many of these OW want what we have and are willing to be complicit in our pain to get it.
So yeah...we're not too crazy about you. 
In my case, the OW sat in my house, ate at my table, played with my kids...while screwing my  husband. Absolutely that's indication that my husband was one fucked-up dude. But, clearly, so was she.
I'm sad that you're so cynical. Please know there are decent guys out there. They're the ones who hit on you and don't have a wife at home. Please be a woman who deserves them.

Elle

When I Knew...

I recently came across an article in which an Other Woman insisted that wives inevitably know when their husbands are cheating. In this particular OW's view, the fact that we don't do anything about it is a sort of implicit acceptance, if not approval of the affair. It hearkens back to the day where it was assumed that men's appetites were simply different than women's...and if men discreetly satisfied those appetites elsewhere then no harm done. It reminds me far too much of the sense that women are almost grateful to not have to satisfy their husband's desires because, after all, we have laundry to do and children to raise.
Yeah...right.
But it did get me thinking about how much I knew...and how much I knew.
My case is perhaps different in that my husband's sex addiction pre-dated me. In other words, he came to me broken...he didn't break after I knew him.
So as the years rolled by, I didn't really notice a change in him, so long as he stuck to his standard method of operation, which generally included discreet, anonymous encounters long after I'd gone to sleep or when he was out of town. It was when he became involved with his assistant at work that I started to develop suspicions. But even those were easily pushed aside – after all, I believed with my whole heart that he loved me. People who love each other don't do that. At least not in my world, which also includes cheesecake that doesn't make you fat.
But despite the fact that I can now look back and see telltale signs throughout our marriage, like a popcorn trail that leads me to the truth only in hindsight, I only really knew right before I confronted him. And at that point, there was no talking me out of it – though he tried doggedly. I knew. And it was simply a matter of time before he admitted it. It was the difference between knowing something in my head – kind of an "if it looks like a duck" analysis – and knowing it in my heart which is a knowing that floods your body all at once.
What about you? Did you know before you felt you had enough evidence to confront? At what point did you know? And what advice do you have for others who think they know?

Funny Friday: Another round of "Stupidest Things The Cheater Ever Said"

A radio station in my city is having a Valentine's contest in which it's promoting the most romantic thing your partner/spouse has ever said.
I'm perhaps, the least romantic person on the planet and can't help but giggle at so many of these utterances. I honestly think if someone said these romantic things to me, I would die laughing. My husband has tried, former boyfriends have tried...and I've generally gone into hysterics (though I've tried to disguise my laughter by pretending I'm weeping with joy). Instead my husband I resort to showing affection to each other the way eight-year-old boys do – we hit each other in the arm, we tease each other mercilessly... and we laugh. A lot.
In fact, laughter is undoubtedly part of what gave me seconds of joy when I was at my darkest point. And much of that laughter came courtesy of my husband and the OW, who said such stupid things to me...and allowed me, for a brief period of cruel, un-enlightened time, to laugh, figuratively, in their faces. Felt rather empowering, come to think of it.
So...let's laugh.
I'm bringing back that perennial fave: What's the stupidest thing your partner/spouse/ex/OW said to you in the wake of the affair.
Some I've already heard include, "You'd really like her if you got to know her." And, "Under different circumstances, I think you two could really be friends."
My husband tossed out this little gem, in defence of his honesty: "I've never lied to my clients." Made it clear I should have put my business with him...just not my heart.
So...c'mon ladies. Give us your best, your funniest, your most shockingly stupid comments. And let's have a laugh!

Open Letter to the Other Woman

Dear OW,

WTF?

Honestly, just what the f&$k were you thinking? You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You knew he slept beside me every night. And you knew that I knew nothing. Is that what made it so delicious? So tempting? That I appeared by his side at various events, utterly clueless to what was going on behind my back? Did you feel triumphant? That you'd beat me at something?
Okay, so I looked stupid, at least to you. Is the satisfaction of that worth sacrificing your own dignity? Because, really,  how can you have any dignity when you're pulling on your panties as he races out the door to be home in time for dinner? How can you have any dignity when you're alone – again – on a Saturday night while he's  watching Toy Story with his children and tucking them into bed?
And frankly, though I might have looked stupid, and perhaps pitiful, to you...and some less-than-compassionate others, I'll take stupid over sleazy and low and cruel any day of the week. No matter how awful it felt to be me when I found out, I'd still take that over being you. No matter that my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying, I could still look myself square in the mirror without shame.
Did you think it was simply a matter of time? That you would be appealing enough for him to walk away from the life he'd built? That all those fantasies you'd convinced yourself of – that I nagged, that I was lousy in bed, that I was boring and bitchy – were actually true? Did you really believe that any relationship based on deception would deliver you from your unhappiness?
My guess is, yes, you did. My guess is that very few Other Women honestly admit their role as an accomplice in the intentional hurting and decepition of another human being. Often another human being you don't know. Or barely know. Or perhaps, shockingly, know well. Instead, they sell themselves clichés. Something along the lines of "we're soulmates", "we couldn't help ourselves", "the chemistry was too powerful" or "you can't stop love." All of which, I suspect you recognize on some level, is total bullshit. All of which allows you to divorce your abhorrent actions from your intent. "We didn't mean to hurt anyone," you wail.
Oh. Yes. You. Did.
Because you knew. You knew that I was being hurt, even if I didn't yet know it. You knew I was being lied to. And betrayed. And you participated in that. Knowingly. Willingly. Perhaps even happily.
What's more, my children were being hurt. And though I don't expect you to take total responsibility for that (after all, HE was their father), you nonetheless contributed to the potential dissolution of their family.
And for what?
Was the sex that good? Were the feelings of superiority, if only for the brief time he was with you, so intoxicating that it made all the humiliating departures, all the embarrassment when you were caught, all the shame this no doubt triggered, worth it?
And if he left me for you? What would you have gained? Three emotionally damaged children every second weekend. A man who lies and cheats. A man who doesn't have the self-control to stop himself from doing something he knows to be wrong. To be hurtful. What a prize. Guess what? If he's not willing to become something better than that – he's all yours. At least until he meets another you sometime in the future and you become cast as the betrayed wife.
In our case, you were shocked when he, after being caught and given the choice between me or you, didn't hesitate. Not for a second. And, believe it or not, I felt sorry for you. Though I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to spit each time I said your name, and shower each time I imagined you two together, I nonetheless felt a sliver of pity for you. Because no-one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another's scraps rather than demand respect and kindness. Or unless they're so delusional that they really believe that this is how true love manifests. Unless they've fallen for all that "star-crossed lovers" and "us against the world" crap.
It has been almost four years. December 11, 2006 - a date that's seared into my mental calendar. I have no idea where you are now. And though I still taste anger when I think back, I'm able to wish you, if not well, then at least better than what you had. If only to spare another woman the agony of finding out that you're sleeping with her husband.

Elle

When the Other Woman (Sorta) Attacks

Just when I think mankind can't sink any lower, I'm given evidence that it's slipped another notch...or two.

The most recent for me (though it's old news by gossip mag standards) was a letter that Jesse James' alleged second mistress faxed to Sandra Bullock, offering up the usual blend of self-absorption, oblique apology and high-school "can't-we-be-friends-now" offer of resolution.

It's surprisingly common. Way back when I was coping with the breakup of me and my first serious boyfriend (and he was sleeping with my former best friend – FBF), I received a letter from FBF filled with recriminations, blame-shifting and spelling mistakes. I was incredulous. I was the injured party, I sputtered. She (and he) had hurt me!

Well...maybe. But that's only in the grown-up world where people accept responsibility for their actions and choices. Certainly not in the fantasy world of "but-we-couldn't-help-ourselves-we-were-meant-for-each-other" cheating.

BWC Member Erica found out about her husband's affair when the Other Woman sent her an e-mail outlining their relationship and adding that Erica's husband thought his wife was a "bitch". Ouch! And did I mention that Erica was nine months pregnant at the time of this little letter-bomb? I honestly can't hazard a guess why someone would want to hurt another in such a profound way. I imagine it goes back to the truth of "hurt people hurt people".

But while you can't stop some wacked-out OW from contacting you (though if it's consistent, you might want to seek legal advice), you can control your own actions in response to it.

1) For starters, DO NOT ENGAGE. These women (see Exhibit A, letter to Sandra Bullock) are generally attention-hounds. They love the drama. The spotlight. Take it away and watch them wither. They might ramp it up in the short-term...but they'll eventually make a mess elsewhere in their lives that will pull their attention away from you. In the meantime, put the focus back on you and your healing...where it belongs.

2) Don't step on their crazy train. The reason these women are involved with a married man at all is often because their low self-esteem is matched only by their competitive drive to "win". Oh yeah – and they're crazy. Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Keep that bunny boiling image in mind any time you're tempted to retaliate, threaten or respond in any way that doesn't sound like: "Please don't contact me again."

 3) If you're trying to put your marriage back together, your husband must also cease and desist re. any contact with the Other Woman. A carefully worded, emotionless "no contact" letter should be sent by registered mail, insisting that the relationship was a mistake for both of them and that there will be no contact from this date forward. No reminiscing. No "last good-byes". Just No Contact from this day forward. Then he needs to honor that, even if the OW doesn't.

As for any invitation from the OW that you become friends? Bonded over mutual heartbreak courtesy of the man you both love? Uh...no. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Guest Post: Facing the OW on Facebook

by Tabatha

I've had a long-standing issue with Facebook's Friend Suggester. It has outed me to people I had tried to discreetly unfriend; drawn the attention of people I'd rather not give access to my profile; resulted in a couple of stalkers: and now...?

Now it wants me to be friends with my husband's OW. Because we have six friends in common.

Please try to imagine the anxiety, anger, stress, despair, and disgust that accompanies opening my home page because I just MIGHT have to see her obscene smiling face.  My fight-or-flight response is so easily triggered, and at six months pregnant, I'm not sure that's a great place to be in.

Yes, I know I can block her – and my husband (or rather, I on my husband's profile) has blocked her. But this girl, this 24-year-old with three children by three different fathers, thinks she can talk about my husband's and my relationship to mutual acquaintances. On the internet. And my masochistic curiosity is too much for me to ignore. I like to know what she thinks she knows about us, about how she became a part of our marriage, about why we're trying to work it out and why he hasn't spoken to her in months. I like to know the lies straight from her mouth, instead of second-hand via someone's Wall.

But there's also a whole other side to why I won't block her, other than wanting her to see we have friends in common, letting her see my face in my picture, smiling with my husband, enjoying our children together – something she is no longer a party to.  Her third child, a boy, is in her profile picture, concieved while she and my husband were at least emotionally involved, possibly physically, and at the time our first child, our son, was born.  My husband denies that her child could be his; however, he previously denied they were involved, that it was physical, and how long it went on, so I don't really let his denial bear any weight.

No, I find myself staring at the picture sometimes, blown up in Photoshop where I don't have to see her blurry face – but the face of her son.  And I look for traces of my son in his infancy in that baby's face, because at this point I can't bear to be blindsided one more time by one more catastrophe. If she's going to come knocking on our door, claiming my husband is her third baby daddy, I want to be ready for it. I want to see it coming. And if it ends up that she wants child support and the courts can prove that her baby is indeed my husband's, I want to be ready for that fight.

Because I will fight for custody of that child. Because any child of my husband's is a child of mine, and if she wants him, and by proxy us, to be responsible for that child, then we will be, one thousand percent.

I would rather have people look at me like I'm crazy for having three children without a month's span of time between births and pregnancies than have to deal with her for the rest of our lives.

So I stare at his picture, wonder what he's like, if he truly bears resemblance to my husband or if I'm just imagining something not there, looking so hard I hallucinate, pain shopping because it's been so long since my life wasn't unbearably painful that I'm not sure where to go from here. Because, in the end, he could be my son.

And that keeps me from blocking her, because I don't want to miss the signs – or the opportunity – to know what lies ahead of me and my family on our road to healing.

Not-So-Funny Friday: Tiger's Mistresses Vie for "Prettiest"

The thing is, the "other woman" needs some good pr. Someone to make them seem...well...less morally challenged. Less he-loves-me-more-and-I'm-prettier-than-you and more I-didn't-know-he-was-married-and-I-was-lied-to-also.
Sadly, they're not getting it from Tiger's other women, who are cheerfully emptying their souls (souls? They have souls?), smiling pretty for whatever reality show promises to extend their 15-minute shelf life and avoiding putting in an honest day's work. On their feet. In short, they're taking the "other woman" to new depths of shallowness.
Consider this latest: Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant (beauty being defined by breast implants and hair extensions...which, I guess, pretty much sums up society's view of beauty, not just Stern's) featuring a few of Tiger's more celeb-seeking mistresses. The winner (and I use that term loosely – pun intended) got a nice chunk of cash and the honor of being considered the prettiest of the pancake waitresses. Check it out here...or, better still, don't.

Guest Blog: Three's a Crowd...

Betrayal
by Tabulous

I've been reading a lot about infidelity and how to recover from it. I visit blogs, I get on forums (which if you know me, is totally not my gig), I talk to others I know who have survived it, I do what I can to deal with the emotions and betrayal that surround my husband's affair.

However, I've come to realize something. I'm not just dealing with the betrayal of my spouse in relation to his extramarital activities. I'm dealing with the betrayal of my spouse in his lack of defense for myself and our relationship to his mother. And that's a whole unfathomable level of betrayal I would never wish upon anyone.

I know I'm not alone in this – in the scores of women with in-laws who see them as less than, who make it known how much they despise and loathe them, who have to stand up not only to the challenges of sustaining a marriage but to also the barrage and emotional warfare of people who really don't belong in the marriage – but that doesn't dull the pain or the bewilderment. It doesn't change the feeling of being thrown to the wolves. It doesn't change that I feel like there are two "Other Women" in my marriage – his mother and the whore.

And oddly, I can almost excuse the whore because, well, that's what she is. She's a whore. Yes, my husband participated and chose to let her into our marriage, but she's inconsequential to me. As some of the resources I've consulted have said, she's really nothing more than the figment of my husband's imagination, not a real person. If she were real, she'd be in my place. And she's not.

But I cannot do so for his mother. I cannot excuse the lies that were told to my face over the years. I cannot excuse the threats made to my face, in front of my own parents, in my own home that she was not welcome in and she knew it. I cannot excuse the way she manipulated my husband to her every whim to try and eradicate me from my own life. I cannot even excuse the way she invaded my home after she had my husband kick me out of it -- the pettiness of buying chemical-laden cleaners and ignoring my environmentally friendly ones so she could scrub my house of me; the throwing of my personal belongings into a rarely-used upstairs closet, including artwork she once claimed she liked; the rewashing and refolding of clean towels in a manor that she approved of; the cajoling of my husband to remove his wedding ring because he didn't need it anymore, and the statement that his affair was acceptable behavior, and the admission that divorce was what she flew across the country to accomplish. The ways she tried to erase me from my own home, from the lives of my family, from my life, are inexcusable.

So I wrestle with more than just the betrayal of infidelity. I wrestle with the betrayal of what I would have considered family. It's like a backhand directly following a right hook. And it leaves twice the damage for my husband to begin to repair, in order to repair our relationship.

Betrayal isn't something I take lightly. I've excommunicated others from my life for far less than this. But I also understand that for as much as my husband is accountable for his own actions, I also know him, how influenceable he is, how honestly weak he can be under pressure, how confrontation frightens him. I know for as much as this is on his hands, it's more so on the hands of at least one other who knew the same of him and warped it, warped him, to their desires. And that betrayal, of him and his trust ... well, that's far worse than any sexual escapade.

So through our joint betrayal, we try to heal ourselves and heal each other. Because that is what real family does -- loves you in the face of adversity, and is there for you in the ways you need them to be, not in the ways that best service them.

What the Other Woman Can Teach Us...NOT to Do

Betrayed wives often fall into two camps: Those who blame the other woman for their woes...and those who don't. Some of us cross lines, starting off with vows of vengeance against the OW but coming around to placing blame squarely on the shoulders of the one who promised to love, honor and cherish us. Some, sadly, blame themselves.
Still, the OW can be a convenient target. Especially if she knew he was married. If she knew us. And far too many OW make it so darn easy to vilify them. We try to take the high road...but who can blame us if they simply leave themselves open to ridicule?
Such seems the case with at least one of Tiger's paramours, who revels in the spotlight and thinks that no moment is too private for public consumption. She pleads innocence...or at least ignorance. She seeks our sympathy, insisting that at no time did she intend for anyone to get hurt. Wha?? 
I can't generalize about OW. I've never been one...and those I've known stopped immediately when they learned the "great guy" they were dating was married. So I only know anecdotally through other BWC members just how wacked out some of these OW are. But then along comes Tiger's women to live large the life of the OW: the lies, the deception, the self-absorption, the immaturity...
Nothing glamorous or exciting about it. It's sad. And though the pain of betrayal stings...I'd still rather be on this side of the marriage.