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| M'mmmm...pie. That somebody else made. |
It's holiday season, the unofficial time when our secret sisters run themselves ragged trying to model perfection while inside the conversation goes something like this:
I thought I was further along than this.
I've completely slid backward.
I am so triggered and so mad at myself because I need to get nine pies baked.
(Seriously. Nine pies. That's a LOT of pie.)
Am I never going to get over this?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I handle this better?
Let me tell you something. It's a full-time job just wading through the devastation wrought by infidelity. And yet, I don't know a single person who was able to just focus on working through the pain. Instead, we're also raising children (which, I might add, is also a full-time job), tending to elderly parents, working our paid jobs, volunteering at the goddamn bake sale to fundraise for Cub scouts, grocery shopping to ensure our family doesn't starve... And baking nine freaking pies for Thanksgiving dinner.
What the hell is wrong with us that we think that's not enough? What is so toxic about our culture that no matter how many balls we have in the air, we're beating ourselves up for not being able to juggle more? Where did we learn that if we're not able to keep everything running smoothly while looking great and simultaneously dealing with the most devastating betrayal in our lives that we're failing? Oh wait...I know where we learned it. In a culture that tells us our worth is directly related to our pants size and our ability to hold onto a man. In a culture in which women's emotional labor is invisible. In a culture in which our visible pain is not to be shown in polite circles. The only correct answer to "how are you?" is "Great!" though "So busy!" is also acceptable as long as it's said with a smile.
But here's the thing, my secret sisters. We don't have to buy into this toxic and insidious bullshit.
Nobody can simultaneously heal from the pain of betrayal while keeping her life running smoothly without sacrificing something crucial: Yourself.
How does this sacrifice take place? Piece by excruciating piece.
Why can't I be more like her?
Why aren't I further along in my healing?
Why do I get triggered so easily?
Why can't I get over this?
Why am I so angry at everyone?
Why do I keep screwing up?
Why am I so tired?
I'll tell you why.
Cause this is exhausting difficult painful work.
Want to know the real question you should be asking yourself when you notice that you're tired and frustrated and agitated and angry and sad and numb?
What do I need right now?
And the next question:
How can I give that to myself?
Cause there's nothing wrong with you that you're tired and frustrated and angry and agitated and sad and numb. Nothing wrong at all. That is the appropriate response to betrayal. It is the appropriate response to the recognition that your emotional labor – not just healing yourself but taking care of everyone else and making it look easy – is a rigged system.
Of course, you're angry.
Of course, you're agitated.
Of course, you're frustrated and sad and numb.
The system is rigged against you.
But you don't have to play along.
What do I need right now?
How do I give that to myself?
That isn't letting others down, it's showing them that you recognize your own worth. Which also communicates to them something amazing. That they're worthy too and that they get to value themselves.
It gives them the space to ask the same questions: What do I need right now? How do I give that to myself?
There's nothing wrong with you that you're still being triggered two years out, five years out, seven years out. There's nothing wrong with you that the holidays are really really hard. There's nothing wrong with you that you're freaking exhausted at even the thought of baking NINE pies. Or one pie, for that matter. Pies are a lot of work!
There's nothing wrong with you.
Full stop.
Nothing.
What do I need right now?
How can I give it to myself?
Two questions.
And the answers are so often simple.
Harder is silencing the resistance to those answers.
I need a nap. (Oh, but resistance says you don't have time to nap. You need to tidy up, set the table, buy presents.)
I need to cry. (Oh, but resistance says crying is pathetic. Besides, you should be over this by now.)
I need a few days alone. (Oh, but resistance says how selfish of you to take time away when there are kids who need feeding, dishes that need washing. That Christmas tree isn't going to put itself up, you know.)
It's so hard to fight back against that resistance.
But that's our work.
To value ourselves. To value others enough to take care of ourselves so that we can show up for them as our best selves. To understand that we're not doing anyone any favours by dragging resentment along with us.
I'll say it again for those in the back.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Healing will take longer than you think.
Even with healing, you will have triggers. There will be times when you think you're backsliding. There will be times when you think you've made the wrong choice, no matter what that choice was. There will be days (weeks!) when you wonder if you've made a horrible mistake.
What do I need right now?
How do I give it myself?
Life has a way of sorting itself out if we just keep showing up as best we can. With our armour put away because we don't need it. Trusting ourselves to keep ourselves safe. With our hearts open.
Not necessarily with nine pies. Or even one.
Unless baking pie is what you need right now.
For the rest of us, that's what bakeries are for.
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