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| M'mmmm...pie. That somebody else made. |
It's holiday season, the unofficial time when our secret sisters run themselves ragged trying to model perfection while inside the conversation goes something like this:
I thought I was further along than this.
I've completely slid backward.
I am so triggered and so mad at myself because I need to get nine pies baked.
(Seriously. Nine pies. That's a LOT of pie.)
Am I never going to get over this?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I handle this better?
Let me tell you something. It's a full-time job just wading through the devastation wrought by infidelity. And yet, I don't know a single person who was able to just focus on working through the pain. Instead, we're also raising children (which, I might add, is also a full-time job), tending to elderly parents, working our paid jobs, volunteering at the goddamn bake sale to fundraise for Cub scouts, grocery shopping to ensure our family doesn't starve... And baking nine freaking pies for Thanksgiving dinner.
What the hell is wrong with us that we think that's not enough? What is so toxic about our culture that no matter how many balls we have in the air, we're beating ourselves up for not being able to juggle more? Where did we learn that if we're not able to keep everything running smoothly while looking great and simultaneously dealing with the most devastating betrayal in our lives that we're failing? Oh wait...I know where we learned it. In a culture that tells us our worth is directly related to our pants size and our ability to hold onto a man. In a culture in which women's emotional labor is invisible. In a culture in which our visible pain is not to be shown in polite circles. The only correct answer to "how are you?" is "Great!" though "So busy!" is also acceptable as long as it's said with a smile.
But here's the thing, my secret sisters. We don't have to buy into this toxic and insidious bullshit.
Nobody can simultaneously heal from the pain of betrayal while keeping her life running smoothly without sacrificing something crucial: Yourself.
How does this sacrifice take place? Piece by excruciating piece.
Why can't I be more like her?
Why aren't I further along in my healing?
Why do I get triggered so easily?
Why can't I get over this?
Why am I so angry at everyone?
Why do I keep screwing up?
Why am I so tired?
I'll tell you why.
Cause this is exhausting difficult painful work.
Want to know the real question you should be asking yourself when you notice that you're tired and frustrated and agitated and angry and sad and numb?
What do I need right now?
And the next question:
How can I give that to myself?
Cause there's nothing wrong with you that you're tired and frustrated and angry and agitated and sad and numb. Nothing wrong at all. That is the appropriate response to betrayal. It is the appropriate response to the recognition that your emotional labor – not just healing yourself but taking care of everyone else and making it look easy – is a rigged system.
Of course, you're angry.
Of course, you're agitated.
Of course, you're frustrated and sad and numb.
The system is rigged against you.
But you don't have to play along.
What do I need right now?
How do I give that to myself?
That isn't letting others down, it's showing them that you recognize your own worth. Which also communicates to them something amazing. That they're worthy too and that they get to value themselves.
It gives them the space to ask the same questions: What do I need right now? How do I give that to myself?
There's nothing wrong with you that you're still being triggered two years out, five years out, seven years out. There's nothing wrong with you that the holidays are really really hard. There's nothing wrong with you that you're freaking exhausted at even the thought of baking NINE pies. Or one pie, for that matter. Pies are a lot of work!
There's nothing wrong with you.
Full stop.
Nothing.
What do I need right now?
How can I give it to myself?
Two questions.
And the answers are so often simple.
Harder is silencing the resistance to those answers.
I need a nap. (Oh, but resistance says you don't have time to nap. You need to tidy up, set the table, buy presents.)
I need to cry. (Oh, but resistance says crying is pathetic. Besides, you should be over this by now.)
I need a few days alone. (Oh, but resistance says how selfish of you to take time away when there are kids who need feeding, dishes that need washing. That Christmas tree isn't going to put itself up, you know.)
It's so hard to fight back against that resistance.
But that's our work.
To value ourselves. To value others enough to take care of ourselves so that we can show up for them as our best selves. To understand that we're not doing anyone any favours by dragging resentment along with us.
I'll say it again for those in the back.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Healing will take longer than you think.
Even with healing, you will have triggers. There will be times when you think you're backsliding. There will be times when you think you've made the wrong choice, no matter what that choice was. There will be days (weeks!) when you wonder if you've made a horrible mistake.
What do I need right now?
How do I give it myself?
Life has a way of sorting itself out if we just keep showing up as best we can. With our armour put away because we don't need it. Trusting ourselves to keep ourselves safe. With our hearts open.
Not necessarily with nine pies. Or even one.
Unless baking pie is what you need right now.
For the rest of us, that's what bakeries are for.
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This post is timely and I can relate to all of it. What I find interesting is that both with betrayal and being a woman in our society that much of what I feel like I face is based on society and the narrative out there. I struggle because even after all this time I want to make an announcement about what happened betrayal wise. At this point the only thing holding me back is my kids.
ReplyDeleteThe other aspect the emotional aspect of being a woman in all of the capacities that you mention is something I feel has always been a struggle for me even before dday. I find this is what my husband and I argue/disagree about the most. I could go on for days. I did it all before dday and picked up the slack and always made it work. Since dday I say no more often and turn down opportunities all the time. My husband did this for a while too. Now as time has passed he says yes to more. I am still not wanting to open up. This can be kid, friend, holiday related. I just do not really care about hosting a holiday if it is going to be too much for me, or making the entire holiday meal. I say order out. I find the biggest issue is he just does not care about even some of what I would call bare minimum tasks for our family and how much time both physical and emotional these require. Paying the bills, grocery shopping, making meals, basic cleaning up... nothing major but just the basic needs for a family feel exhausting and overwhelming. His solution is order out, let the kids eat whatever.... I am not super picky or OCD by any stretch but I am talking about what I consider bare necessities. I have read all the studies that even women who are the bread winners in a family take on the burden of home and child rearing duties. There are even things he will say he would never have thought of. I have made lists, created a time to sit down and plan out the weekend. I understand he does not need to do things on my timetable. But the gist of it is I do feel like the emotional drain of being a mom, wife, career person is not valued. And I should say my husband says how amazing I am etc but the support and actions do not match beyond helping with dishes and some rides...
Hopeful30, Absolutely no question (and there's a ton of data to support this) that women carry the lion's share of unpaid and "invisible" labor. Men who deny this are either lying to you or lying to themselves.
DeleteAnd yes, even "amazing" guys refuse to see this. So, not surprisingly, women feel overwhelmed and exhausted and unappreciated.
Factor in infidelity and our heads are ready to explode.
Hopeful30, love your post as usual. I use to tell my husband that we needed to hire a "wife" because we both worked full time, he traveled a lot, we had three kids who played sports and life was crazy. Should have just hired help then and there instead of listening to him talk about money. Little did I know how he was spending the extra money that could have gone to pay a housekeeper. Such a selfish, narcissistic entitled jerk he was and I played along and continued to pick up the slack. No more. Even now that it is just the two of us, I hire help for all kinds of things including housework, windows, yard maintenance, etc. FTS as Olivemee like to say.
DeleteBeach Girl. OMG yes!!! I got the same thing worrying about money. Even though it never made sense to me. That has never been an issue but for him control maybe. Also he did not hesitate to spend money on going out, golf, guys trips etc... I also would suggest working to find extra time for us to be together, reconnect, date nights etc. His reason was always it was too expensive to have a babysitter or too hard to find one even thought that was on me.
DeleteHe also once told me he did not like a handy man coming over to do things around the house since that would mean we were in our house alone. So revealing now in hindsight.
Hopeful 30 a-freaking-men. The invisible work. I'm divorced so the work I do to keep my family on track is as invisible as ever. More so it feels like sometimes because there's no one I can say, help me with this stuff, dumbass. But i'm with you, I'm saying no to more things.
ReplyDeleteI'm lowering my Christmas expectations and just trying to surviving this run up to my third anniv with dday.
And like Elle says above. I am suddenly angry about everything. Even the fact that I have no energy for or enjoyment of what used to be my favorite time of year. I tried some gift shopping today and I got some things done, but I'm just not excited about anything. I could not even make myself focus to find a good book title etc etc.
Some days, I call it a win when I get the dishwasher filled. I'm weighed down by my to do list.
Thanks for this post Elle. Its a big reminder to me that I don't have to do it all or have it all figured out or be magically further along in my healing.
My therapist told me the same thing a long while back. You are never as far along as you'd like to think you are and that's ok. I just need to be nicer to myself about it. Resist it less.
What do I need right now? Problem is I'm not even sure.
SS1,
DeleteIf I may be so bold...I think what you need right now is to just release your grip. I get the sense that you're holding on so tight to this idea of where you should be, how you should be feeling right now. And life just isn't lining up with your expectations. If you can...let go a bit. Sit with yourself and ask that question: What do I need right now? Doesn't have to be a big thing. Maybe it's a nap. Maybe it's a cup of tea. Maybe it's to sit and watch TV. Or stare out the window. Or clean out your drawers. Or...maybe it's to give yourself time to not know right now. Not know what you need. Not know what you want. Not know where any of this is taking you. Maybe not knowing IS what you need right now. To let go of the steering wheel.
Thanks Elle. I actually felt my whole body relax when you suggested I release my grip. Thanks for permission to not know and not be OK.
DeleteToday I ran and had apple pie.
I need to not think about the future right now. Someone asked me if I wanted to do an event in february. I can't think that far ahead. I need to not think about february which is a million years from now. I need to just be in today. So that's where I'm at. And guess what? They understood. They didn't push for an answer or decision.
SS1 and Trying Hard. After divorce I felt abandoned. You may be mad at yourself for still being attached. He is not giving you a second thought. He took part of your identity and security. You may have a secret wish he will wake up and change his mind. Unless you let this fantasy go, your hurt will always be there. If you take away your hurt you feel you are giving him what he wants. By continuing to hurt aren’t you saying what a horrible thing he did to you that has caused you so much hurt. Aren’t you demonstrating how cruel and uncaring he is? If you let yourself be happy again, wouldn’t he feel relieved? He was leaving you emotionally long before you were. Give yourself time to catch up.
DeleteYou are wading through cement. Remember you were struggling more while you were unhappily married. You love your new life and miss your old life at the same time. Think about how to start a new relationship with your ex-shitass and don’t do the same things you did before. Decide what information you will share and what is none of his business. Don’t give him unlimited access to you. Get rid of anything that holds you emotionally to him. One picture for each child should do it. I would hold a Let go of the steering wheel wake for the old marriage, have big ass wake, then let it go. Bury it if you have to with a fake tombstone that says, “Fuck you, I never really like you anyway”. Let it all go to hell and back. Deep down you really don't give a shit - tell that to your heart. I know how you feel because I was the same way. I didn't have a wake but did some other acting out stuff that was just as good. Then I told God, if I had to stay married to that piece of shit I would rather go to hell. Don't over think it will drive you instead of you driving yourself. Love to you, my thoughts and heart are with you. I look at my dogs who live in the moment. Hell, they jump in the car and don't even know where we are going. I digress but you get the point.
LLP thanks so much for this. I do feel abandoned. And I am mad that I am still attached. It is so hard to let go of the idea that this person SHOULD have loved me because they promised to do so.
DeleteYou are so right about him leaving long before. He was out at least 5 years before I found out about any of it. I'm pissed that he's just off on his merry way and I'm left to pick up my pieces AND keep the kids and my life going in this old pumpkin shell. (But for now its in my financial best interest to do so.)
One of the big acceptance things I need to work on now, is that I did suffer so much in our marriage. That the only one working to keep things smooth emotionally was me. And that maybe the reason I felt so attached to him was because he was completely emotionally unavailable to me, and so what I thought was love, was really a hyper activated survival instinct. Yikes.
I've done a viking funeral for some stuff. I've take sage and smudged the whole house to rid it of him (no I don't believe in magic. It was just a physical ceremony to set my mental state).
I do need to shake myself loose from him. Again. Thing is. I am going to have to share events with this piece of shit for the rest of my life. I was recently at a lunch celebrating a friend's promotion. His ex wife and daughter were there. And his mom and dad , who are divorced were there. Everything was fine. The mom and dad even sat next to each other, but they didn't speak. I'm going to have to go through this with this jerk for the rest of my life. My son's high school graduation. My daughter's college grad. Weddings, grand babies. All of it with this man who has stolen my whole past from me. I'm mad about it. Bu tall the more reason to have as little to do with him now as possible. So that when the time comes, he will be a non-issue. a nothing.
Thanks again LLP. I really appreciate your insight. xoxo
Ps I always love pie that somebody else made. I had a slice of pumpkin this afternoon. mmm... pie.
ReplyDeletePIE IS WHAT YOU NEED!!
DeleteYes, this post is spot on. Constant exhaustion here, always thinking next week will be easier... but something else always turns up to fill any possible downtime. I need to schedule in breaks and naps for sure. FOMO and avoiding pain are my usual motivators, but I am running on empty these days. Time to change fuel.
ReplyDeleteSelkie,
DeleteYes, yes, yes. I hear this ALL THE TIME. We just can't give ourselves a break. We should be further along. NEXT week, we'll get it figured out. Next week, we'll feel better. But we have to create the conditions for that to happen. It's like never planting any seeds and then being surprised when nothing grows. What we need to start doing is planting those seeds -- which are the naps, the breaks, the coffee with friends, the walks in the woods. Whatever fills us back up, even a bit.
Being a baker making 9 pies at once is a breeze. Getting through this was and still is total hell. I still get triggered with certain things that I may read. After dday I couldn't bake. Even though I baked in restaurants professionally. It was so horrible to lose the passion I had to create these wonderful pies, cakes and beautiful cookies. The first Thanksgiving after dday I was still in shock and just made things for dinner on auto pilot. The following two years were not my best in this creative mode that I loved especially during this time of year. Little by little I have found that passion again and this year I made beautiful pies and vegan salads. I even started my own little food blog.
ReplyDeleteCathy
Do you want to share your blog with us? I suspect, if we're able, we'd love to read about your pies.
DeleteAnd I'm so glad you're rediscovered your passion for this. I hope you're able to lose yourself, now and again, in the pleasure of creating something beautiful and delicious. There's something so primal about feeding ourselves and those we love. Nourishing ourselves, inside and out. Yay for you.
Yes, that would be wonderful thank you.
Deletelascrucessweetandsavory.blogspot.com. My husband also started a Facebook page with the same name and that has more pictures on it. Just remember I'm just starting this and have only a few post on the blog. no pies yet.:) I'm also teaching myself food photography and have taken some nice pictures that I haven't down loaded yet. Some days my full time job gets in the way.
Cathy
Cathy I would read your food blog AND order pies from you. (And some vegan salad for my sister). Its so hard when infidelity steals not just our safety but also some of our favorite things from us. I am still not the reader I was before dday and forget gardening. I hope those things come back for me like cooking has returned for you.
DeleteCathy--I admire people that can bake. I'm a really good cook and a mediocre baker. But I love to try baking. Currently like making fruit galettes.
DeleteFunny story. So one winter I spent the winter perfecting my lemon pie. I made every recipe from lemon meringue to lemon sponge to lemon creme and various crusts too. I love lemon pie and h loved all the results of my efforts. Or so it seemed. While I was perfecting my lemon pie recipes, well he was perfecting his lying and betrayal. I felt like such a fool when I found out. LOL here I was blissfully fat and sassy creating great recipes and desserts for him while he was out, well he was making "pies" all right just not the kind I was !!!
I'm going to check out your blog. I always loved cooking blogs. Sadly I haven't kept up with many since DDay. During that winter I was blissfully unaware. Busily reading cooking blogs like yours and not knowing that the person I trusted the most and loved the most was undermining me.
Trying Hard. I guess in a way I started this a few weeks ago as part of my healing process. I could just picture women like all of us sitting with a cup of coffee reading this blog but mine too. Some place to forget about the pain and enjoy a big slice of cake. At the time of my h affair I was baking in the restaurant that where all worked together. The affair happened right under my nose and I watched her chase after my h day and night. I'm trying to make it like it's just friends sitting around talking, nothing stuffy because my way of baking and cooking is more like the way my grandmothers did by feel if that makes sense. I hope it helps others to gain back their passion.
DeleteSS1 I hope you do get the passion back for those things again. I have a hard time sometimes especially if I get an order for a dessert from someone. I truthfully get panic attacks because it brings me back to that time. But I also found something new and that was photography. I love taking pictures of the food I make and I think I'm getting better each time. I know you said that you love painting now, that something I still can't focus on anymore and I went to school to be a graphic designer. Maybe in some way I can help someone along the way with my little blog.
Cathy
Cathy, your blog is gorgeous! You've got a real eye for photography (I'm sure SS1 will agree -- she's a great photographer herself). And I'm looking forward to trying out some of your recipes. I LOVE soup (though I'm the only one in my family who does). And I LOVE cookies!! Kudos to you for taking back what is rightfully yours and honouring that part of you that is creative and gifted.
DeleteTrying Hard,
DeleteYeah, I feel your pain. I was working night and day to raise funds for an organization in Africa that was helping people dying of AIDS (this was pre anti-retro-virals so people were, literally, dying on mud floors without so much as an aspirin). So I'm Mother Theresa while my husband is meeting strangers in parking lots for blow jobs. Nice, huh? But who's the fool? Not you. And not me.
Cathy-Your blog is so beautiful. I am realllly looking forward to cozying up with a nice cup of tea and reading it this winter. What a wonderful way to express your creativity and talents than sharing your photography and cooking talents with us. Very nice.
DeleteI am so sorry that the OW was so blatant and right under your nose going after your husband. Yes many OW offer themselves up on a silver platter. It always amazes me how women will do this to each other. I know men do this and I guess as a woman I judge woman after myself and that I would NEVER go after someone who is committed to another woman. LOL heck I didn't even do that in high school. Other girls boyfriends were off limits for sure.
Yes, I've gotten a little more back into cooking and baking but not as much as before. Being a good cook was always a point of pride for me. It was my way of being creative. It's been hard to get back into but every once in a while I do. Actually I would like to try my hand at painting. I live in a college town so I can take an art class free of charge. I've always wanted to learn to paint. Maybe this winter :)
Thank you Elle.
DeleteTry Hard
I felt like a fraud trying to be happy after dday it was very hard to play that part in front of my family even though they all knew what my h did to his family. We ended up moving from NY to NM that following summer to get away from the OW and I had those feelings of being a fraud again in front of his family even though they stood up for me and told him to repair his marriage. It hasn't been easy these past 3 years but it does get better. And if it means not decorating, or baking, or doing what ever for Christmas just remember that these feelings are temporary and they will go away when the time is right for you.
So ten years ago the tree would have been up by now. Yes just a mere 24 hours after feeding twenty people a full Thanksgiving feast with a beautifully decked table. The wreath would have been hung and well both Black Friday and cyber Monday were slated and put in their place. Thoughts of writing my Christmas cards with full handwritten notes greeting all my family and friends were being planned to have mailed no longer than December 15!! The house would have been so merrily decked one would have thought tiny Christmas elves sent from House Beautiful had descended down and puked Merry Christmas all over. But alas no it was i who’d done it all with barely a whimper or one expectation of gratitude or acknowledgement of my efforts. It was expected, or maybe not, and it was done. And pies?? Haha all hand made as well as other desserts where pie may not have been someone’s preference. I was there to please and do my job. And damn i was good at it too. I bought the whole female role narrative hook line and sinker. And i called my self a feminist! Gloria Steinem is weeping 😳
ReplyDeleteToday? Not so much. The tree is still in the basement and i have zero thoughts of waking it from its slumber. Those carolers are resting peacefully in a Victorian slumber in their protective Rubbermaid tomb for a while longer and maybe even into next Christmas. As for the pies? Have you tasted the deliciousness of that great baker Sams Club? What a culinary master that guy is. And what’s the saddest is no one notices the difference.
That tree may never go up. Christmas cards? Ha. I’ll send a Merry Christmas text to those i care about orrr not. Black Friday was spent reading and cyber Monday? Deleted. Thoughts of buying gifts are as far from my conscience today as they were in June. Maybe I’ll just write a check. Because what difference does it really make to anyone?
I’m a different girl today. I still do most things, get i got a my Christmas wreath hung already. But i don’t slay it anymore. Maybe it’s the betrayal. Maybe it’s just old age. Any more i can’t tell the difference where my fatigue, bitterness, disappointment and general “I give up” feeling comes from. And mostly i keep it to myself. I wonder if anything i did had any meaning to anyone. I’m thinking maybe not so why kill myself?
Ladies I’m just saying do what YOU want to do. Cooking fabulous meals and creating the perfect magical holiday does not keep men from having affairs. Being the best mother and wife does not keep men from having affairs. Attending to all their needs, perceived or demanded, does not keep men from having affairs. So just stop. Stop if it’s killing you. Stop if you think anyone’s but you is going to appreciate your efforts. Someone told me ‘there’s no gold metal at the end’. There isn’t. And folks will barely remember let alone be grateful for all you did in the end. Even your kids.
I still do some things. I just don’t put myself under pressure to get it all done at once or on a timetable. Someone else’s time table. I used to deck a 12ft tree. Now mine is 7 1/2 foot. Ha i saw a 4’ tree I’m eyeing up. At Sams Club. By the pies.
Trying Hard,
DeleteI'm so sorry to read that you're having a tough time. I'm particularly concerned by your comment re. killing yourself. You sound so deep into the darkness.
I absolutely agree that none of that stuff keeps anyone from doing anyone that might hurt us. We cannot inoculate ourselves against being hurt by being perfect. I fell for that lie too.
And I wholeheartedly support the idea that we choose what we want to do based on what makes us happy -- tree or not, feast or not, gifts or not.
But you sound especially down and it sounds more like you're reacting out of bitterness than empowerment. Which I get. This is a tough time of year and our hurt and our resentment sneak up on us when we're feeling under pressure to perform for everyone else.
What support do you have right now, Trying Hard? Therapist? Friends who can make you laugh? Family who get what you're going through?
Of course, you've got us. And please know we're extending a huge hug to you. Please know that you matter to us, whether you put up a bloody tree or not. Please know that your presence here has value. That you are worthy just because you are.
And maybe take some time to think about what parts of the holiday you actually like. Enlist a friend, perhaps, who might join you for a cup of hot chocolate. Bake something that doesn't include lemon, just for you.
And please check in here and let us know that you're okay. Or let us know how we can help you right now.
Elle--and BTW please don't read any more into "killing myself" :) I meant killing myself as to working like a mad woman decking the halls, buying the gifts, sending the cards etc all to create a festivity that is predicated on my complete exhaustion. Fear not, I would NEVER harm myself. I like me too much :)
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am on a vacation just with my boy this Christmas. After I removed almost everyone in my family from contacting me, I moved out to live with my son on my own. Honestly, I am feeling really down but yet peaceful. Its an uncomfortable, undecipherable feelings. My siblings have been contacting almost everyone of my friends they know as they are extremely worried about me. It finally hit them I have enough. As much as even I had hoped for the marriage to slowly work out after the second affair, its impossible bcos hey, its only ME hoping. The other party just wants to sweep everything under the carpet and silence my sufferings. Afterall, he told me he is going through hell at work and now has lost his family. Its been 5 months since I spoke to him. Yes, he texted me non stop. Called non stop. Bought lots of gifts. But, I no longer feel any sincerity on his part. More of a quick fix solution.
ReplyDeleteSo Elle and my fellow ladies, my first Christmas and Thankgiving just me and my son. Anyway, it will be this way once the divorce is finalised.
Love Lynn
Lynn,
DeleteAny transition, even when it's the "right" one, is tough. I'm glad you've got your son right now. And I'm glad you've been able to set and enforce clear boundaries around the toxic people in your life. You're right. You can't heal a marriage when only person is doing the work.
I hope you can take some time to create some new holiday activities that serve you in this new chapter of your life.
Lynn, hang in there. You are doing the right thing for you. I know that feeling of lowness combined with peace and I felt it after my ex and I separated. I could breath again, even though my heart was broken. You and your son have a bond like no other. Now is a time when you can really take some strength from that. My first Christmas with just me and the kids was lovely. In fact, because I did all the heavy lifting, shopping and preparing, our morning without him there was very like all the historical mornings with him there. I'm saying that as far as I could tell, he wasn't missed. Not by the kids and not by me. We had a super time and I baked pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the easy, pop can). I hope you wake up Christmas morning with your son and just immerse yourself in being with him and enjoying his Christmas with him. Make breakfast together. watch him open gifts. Be in that moment.
DeleteThank you SS1 and Elle for the love and support. Blessed Christmas ahead!
Deleteoh did I need to hear this right now!! Thanks Elle. Its hard when you know you are being unreasonably cranky with a husband who just doesn't get it. We are coming up on yr 2 of DD this sunday and even though he "knows" this time of year is super hard ( really its christmas that "saved" our marriage because I just couldn't bear the thought of dealing with separation because of my kids) he still thinks that I can be sad AND nice at the same time. He accuses me every fight we have of "throwing it in his face like my get out jail free card" so that I don't have to take accountability for my actions. I literally have to bite my tongue so hard to not scream at him. Nice? are you freakin kidding me???? Our anniversary is tainted (he was texting her on our date), christmas which used to be my favorite holiday is tainted. But I am being snarky?? Don't get me wrong, he has done soooo much to change and I am thankful for that. But at the same time, I hate him for it. Its like it took me almost leaving him to get him to treat me like he should've been for the past 15 yrs?? Now I am being selfish. Well DAMN IT, I think its about DAMN TIME I am the one who is!!??
ReplyDeleteTwinsTwice,
DeleteHe hears you "throwing it in his face", you say it because you want acknowledgement of your pain. Thing is, anger and snarkiness aren't getting you what you want. I'm not saying they're not warranted. I'm just saying it's not working.
See if you can find some time/space to figure out what you need from him in those moments. Your anger/snarkiness is pushing him away and (don't hate me for saying this) teaching your kids to be passive-aggressive rather than straightforward. See if, when the anger/snarkiness shows up, you can take a breath and say, "I'm feeling really lousy right now. I need time alone/a hug/a night out/whatever it is." He'll likely be able to better respond to you because he's not feeling defensive. And yes, I know. It's exhausting when HE's the one who created this and here you are managing his defensiveness. But what you're really trying to do is manage your own pain around this. And you want his support.
It sucks that he had to almost lose you to recognize how much he didn't want that. But that is the sad ridiculous reality of infidelity.
TwinsTwice, I'm not blaming you for being angry and frustrated. I'm just trying to point out what my therapist is constantly telling me. Anger is a secondary emotion that's a mask for hurt/fear. I just think that, if you can enlist your husband when you're feeling down even if it's just to stay the hell out of your way, it will help you through it without driving a wedge into your relationship.
The other side of this is, however, maybe your anger is telling you that you do not feel heard or supported by him in your healing. And that's worth thinking about too. What do you need from him that you're not getting. When you're feeling down (and yes, this is a tough time of year, tougher for you it sounds like), what do you want from him that you're not getting. Try and communicate that when you're calm. When you're angry, his response is to get defensive and respond with anger. And round and round you go.
Try and break that cycle.
TwinsTwice - What I heard was that he doesn't like it when you're not "ok" ... and then he feels punished because you bring it up? Or am I projecting my own situation onto yours?
DeleteI think it's perfectly A-Ok to be selfish for once. If you're like most of us you've put everyone and everything in front of you.
I'm working on moving past the hurt myself on how much was "tainted" by his infidelity. I'm working on reclaiming those dates as my own ... it's a struggle but I keep fighting because I'll be damn if another thing is tainted by his jackassish ways.
Elle, I hate that I have to watch my p's and q's so that I don't react the improper way. I had to suck it up at the time and pretend over our entire christmas when I was drowning inside. He does listen, until I am too repetitive in my criticism but I have to talk until I feel better and sometimes as I let it all out it starts to sound mean. Its like there is no inbetween for me. Its all or nothing. Sometimes i just don't understand why I can't be somewhere in the middle. And honestly I don't know what I need from him anymore. We had a conversation about his stress (he's a police officer who has recently had to indirectly deal with a murdered child, which reminded him of another child that passed away many years ago) which I "get" but it couldn't be worse timing. How selfish of me right?? I just don't know what to do anymore.
DeleteKimberly, I def feel that I am allowed to be selfish when I did nothing prior to DD but put his needs first in everything. My feelings etc meant nothing unless he was happy. Which was a HUGE slap in the face when I found out he was pursuing someone that wanted nothing to do with him which once I found out made me feel like I was only wanted because he didn't want to be alone...
I did something last Christmas that worked for me (for your consideration if you're feeling pressure). I got out my favorite Christmas decorations and put them in one box (our stockings are included here). I bought a wooden triangle with dowels running through that hangs on the wall that holds our 12 favorite ornaments from our trips (looks like a modern art xmas tree). I decorated my whole house inside and out in 30 mins. (Outside is a wreath and two red bows on the porch lights). I buy a nice seasonal candle for when I feel festive. If I want to enjoy a large tree, a Starbucks is 1 mile away from every human, right? My husband and son don't want to help with more and I don't want to resent them. This is perfect for me. I decided what NEEDED and ditched the rest. My mother in law raises an eyebrow about my "laziness", but she can go jump in a lake. As for food, I started assigning people to bring a dish and buy the meat prepared and cut (I just heat). I changed and Christmas needed to change is the short answer. I like this Christmas better and so do the others in my life that matter. My expectations were unrealistic before and based on "shoulds" in my head.
ReplyDeleteThose "shoulds" can cripple us and completely rob everything we do of any joy. That's awesome, Ann, that you recreated a holiday based on what works for you. It's always so funny to me that others sit back and judge. What the hell are they doing? They expect to just show up and have a holiday designed the way they want it? What's up with that? And why in the world do so many of us tolerate that? Yay for you for putting a stop to it.
DeleteBravo ann, good job setting limits. I also did that the first Christmas after discovery. I host Christmas Eve and just took orders for Thai takeout. I've not really been motivated to decorate for Christmas for years and my husband does that and resents that he does it alone. I just told him not to do anything. I don't care. We hang a few stockings and have a small lighted tree to put on an end table for the grand kids gifts but in the big picture, I can't do this anymore and I won't.
DeleteElle--Thank you so much for your kind word. LOL yes sometimes it's hard NOT to be bitter and maybe I sound a little more bitter when I write a comment than I am IRL. I don't know if my choices come from bitterness. Maybe, maybe not. My life works for me.
ReplyDeleteNope I haven't forgotten anything that's happened in the past and sometimes it raises it's ugly heard. History forgotten is bound to be repeated and I don't live in the past everyday. But the past has made me who I am both positive and negative.
Thank you so much for having a place where we can come and be our authentic selves.
Yes, comments give us a slice of someone's life, not the whole pie so it can sometimes lead us to assume things that aren't true. I'm glad I over-imagined your sadness/bitterness and that your life works for you. Happy to be wrong. :)
DeleteI learned in therapy, if I have a Xmas tree decorated that makes the White Tree look like Twiggy will that make my family happy? No, and I don’t feel like doing it. If I bake cookies every single type from Rachael Ray, will that make my family happy? No, and I don’t feel like doing it. No matter what I do or don’t do, I can’t make anybody happy. They are in control of that not me.
ReplyDeleteChristmas like my sisters here, is less than special or magical anymore. It is just less everything. My expectations for making a magical Christmas for everyone else was too high, too hard on myself. Sad really.
So, I’m going on my merry way, killing myself to make everyone’s Xmas perfect. Then I see the text - where did you say the store that perfume was at? Flash back, 2011 he gives me a cast iron pot, she gets a watch. 2012 he gives me dehydrator she gets a diamond necklace. 2013 she is going to get perfume that is $300 a bottle, remember Ugg boots? So on to Year 1 post D-day I told him he enjoys Christmas so much, he can do it all. I mean everything, buy the gifts, put up the tree, cook etc. I DID NOTHING, he can explain to the kids why mom is in a coma. Year 2, my therapist said do just one thing. Just one thing nothing else. I did buy him an expensive gift, that was my one thing. I bought him the exact same Jeep he drove in Vietnam. 1966 M151a1. Year three, he takes me on a Christmas cruise. That is when my mind started to turn a little. Year 4 it is time to tackle this for me, not him. He does all the decorating I just help. He goes all out. We buy the kids gifts together. I bake cookies, pies and get into the spirit. My kids told me just this year it was the worse Christmas ever. Too crowded, too many cousins crying, they need their space, so and so was in a bad mood. Lesson learned LLP. I like it when the kids are honest with me. What Elle said is so true. The expectations for myself was higher than anyone else. Do only what you want to do, that is the only way to get through this. I feel differently this year. I don’t feel like reminding him, I don’t feel like having the affair in my mind. Could I go without Christmas and not miss it, yes. But I don’t resent him for taking that away but he doesn’t get an out of jail card either. He told me at Christmas, he doesn’t want to upset me because he already knows how I feel about it. So, we agree, it is up to me what Christmas is or isn’t. This year is another Christmas cruise. We have the tree up, plugged in but I don’t want to put ornaments on the tree. We have a naked tree except lights.
"I can’t make anybody happy. They are in control of that not me." The absolute truth, LLP. And something that I think all of us need reminding.
DeleteChristmas is always the festive season that i love the most ( It's not common festival in our country) but not this year without him. Even so, i still set up the Christmas tree so that i can feel better and have the Xmas mood.
ReplyDeleteEverything will be 1st time without him. I just celebrated my birthday this week alone without him. Initially i thought i can't get through this but then i realized that it's just another day. Life still go on, sun still shine every morning. There's nothing wrong celebrate festive season alone. All we need is to adjust our mindset and accept what it is.
Lost_AA
Lost_AA,
DeleteWow. That's incredible that you came to that realization. And yes, you're absolutely right. Give yourself permission too have your sad days but, ultimately, you'll get past it, right? The sun will come up tomorrow.
So I asked myself that set of questions (what do I need, how can I get it) a year ago at Thanksgiving when I was just so irritated at having to once again take care of other people so they could have a good time and I wasn't. No one in the family knows any of what happened. I began discussing not having Thanksgiving this year with my family and H. Of course, they either thought I was just venting or that I wasn't serious. But I was. About a month before T'giving, I talked to my H...thought we could get away, tried to find somewhere to go..but he joked that we could even just stay home with the doors locked and have fast food if that's what we wanted to do. I talked to my mom and was able to get her to go visit one of my sisters. 2 tasks down. Then closer to the day, reminded my H about skipping T'giving and found out he totally missed my point and that he would miss having dinner with his mom. I didn't back down and reminded him of his fast food comment. Talked to his mom who said, and I quote, "Good for you! I'm so glad you're taking time for yourself." Ta-daaa!! Finally some support. I think that surprised my H. My son was weird....very disappointed that we wouldn't be having T'giving...what about family, etc. He wanted me to reconsider and I said, "No, I want a year off." What a big step for me. I didn't cave.
ReplyDeleteSo....day before- a drive and lunch in a place we'd never been. T'giving was a quiet day- movie, small dinner and yes...pumpkin pie just because it's pie.....And I loved it. And I needed it...and I got what I needed.
I have 2 more "I need it and I'm getting it" events later this month. The good thing about planning these is that when I'm having a bad day (common right now) I stop and think about these 2 events coming up that are just for me. And I feel better. If you haven't tried this yet, I highly recommend it.
Anon55
Oh my goodness, Anon55. You're our new heroine! That's awesome. A lot of pushback and you held firm. And look! The sky didn't fall. Nobody had a breakdown (in fact, you had a breakthrough). Brava to you, my warrior sister!
DeleteMy husband wants to separate after thanksgiving so he can “rechoose” me after a year long affair and many ups and downs over the course of our marriage. I think this is his way of softening the blow of divorce so here goes nothing. I’m devastated and can’t even think straight. I hate that i feel so weak and that I’ll never heal from this as i keep getting knocked to the ground.
ReplyDeletebonabeaner,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I don't quite understand the reason to separate. Just doesn't make sense to me.
But I'm more concerned about the state you're in. Do you have any support at all? Betrayal is excruciating and it's crucial that you have some sort of help to process the pain. If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll find one. And please continue to post here and share your story. The most recent posts tends to get the most response because they're the most read.
You are among friends here. We know the pain you're in. You didn't deserve this.
I needed this today. Two years out and I’m only just getting the support I need. Meanwhile the plates have to be kept spinning and I am tired tired tired. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok. There’s no rush to be healed.
ReplyDeleteLucy Goosey,
DeleteI'm glad it helped. But I want to gently push back: Do the plates have to be kept spinning? Sure, we need to ensure kids are fed, etc. But are there plates you can remove so that there are fewer to spin? I still struggle with accepting that I'm not as indispensable as I think I am...and that those around me are much more capable than I give them credit for. Just a thought...