Guest post: Awesome advice from a betrayed wife

"Steam" often comments to this site, offering up her experience as a guide to others, and supporting those who aren't as far along the path as she. 
She wrote this awhile back and it's so succinct and compassionate, that I requested her permission to re-post it so that more can read it.
I love that this site has become a hub for so many who feel isolated and confused. I love how respectful we all are of each other's experiences, always recognizing that we each need to walk our own paths.
Thanks, Steam, for helping make this such a great space.
~Elle


I was immediatly diagnoised with PTSD in our 1st MC session. Our counselor made it very clear to my husband that my reaction to his selfish and fucked up action was completely NORMAL, not that that makes you feel instantly better, but it was good to have a name for it. Reliving it over and over again is hard to avoid when you cannot stop thinking about it. I am 10 months out this week and I have done my best to "reclaim" the places and things that gave me joy, that he stole, that I thought he had stolen forever. Since most of his affair was online with only three in-person meetings – when they met (in another country) and two months later when they had sex twice (in another country) –  there is not much to reclaim. All I have asked is that he NOT take me to the place they had their one dinner. He said it was bad anyway and he would never go again, good I dont need to go there, it was never mine to begin with. I am starting to feel safe again, and although I cannot ever trust him again like I did when I was blind, I do trust him a lot more. I no longer hit every e-mail address and social media page of his every day or even every week, I no longer search for her online. But I watch the cell phone bill like a madwoman. Something I never ever checked which had all I ever needed to know.
I feel a lot more like a better me, and our relationship has changed so drastically it's almost a miracle. And the hardest part to admit? It was not just him who had to change. I had to do my part too.  

If you are brand new to this, don't think YOU need to do that immediately. You need to heal and he needs to help. It's only then that you can find a better version of yourself...she is in there, I promise. 

It's not your fault, it was never your fault, you are not the one who cheated. You are not the one who risked everytihng, so just take it minute by minute – don't rush it – go through it, not around or over or under it, and if you have a new relationship with your partner (we could never have found one without counseling, relish it. 
BTW, I had EMDR about 20 years ago and it was quite astonishing. If I was still living in the land of PTSD I would not hesitate, but first I wanted to beat my H up in counseling for a while. 
lol  
Look at that, I just laughed. You will too...you will get through this unless your husband is an absolute a-hole and you are with a bad man, not a good man with issues and mistakes. Hang in there if he is worth staying with – and he will show you if he is – and thrive.  

All I have wanted to do other than save my own relationship was to be able to help others who have been through this. The spark came while I was googling within hours of finding out on that horrible d-day. I was of the school "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "if anyone ever did that to ME, he would be gone SO fast".  

Arent we all?

But when he DID do that to me, I gave him an immediate (and I add, loud and hysterical) choice he had to make – her or me. When I saw the absolute devestation in HIS eyes, seeing what he had done to ME, seeing his tears, hearing his words, feeling his absolute remorse, sadness, and looking into an opening into his soul I had never ever ever seen before. When I locked myself in the bedroom and he sat outside talking to me through the window, I surprised mySELF when I realized that even though I could not touch him or look at him right NOW, I wanted him to stay.
I wanted to know if we could survive this.  
I wanted to know I would be ok (because how could I EVER be ok again??) 
I wanted HOPE. 
and this was the only place I found it.  

I hated the name "club" – lol. I thought it would be just another husband bashing site, but it was not. [Elle's] words, as someone who had been through this, gave me HOPE – her essays and her links and her answers to others – so much wisdom and compassion, smart funny and sarcastic, but not bitter – it gave me what I needed. I wanted to get "there" where [she is], and I am on my way.  

No one could have told me that I would ever get through this, but honestly, somewhere on this blog that very first day – [Elle] actually did.

~Steam

Guest Blog: T is for Trauma

by Merri

I remember well my first flashback. I vividly “saw” my husband standing beside our house months after we had separated. It was terrifying. The only problem was, in reality, he was about thirty miles away. But tell that to my sweaty palms and racing heart.

Betrayals of the heart often induce trauma (which is, after all, a very strong stress reaction). If you consider that betrayal feels like it comes out of nowhere, that our response is emotionally reactive, and that we perceive fear through loss of control – we’re ripe for the picking. What's more, our brain automatically filters memories from our relationship history and throws in childhood experiences. 

For some of us bouncing between detachment and hyper-vigilance felt completely normal. It was far from it – but my childhood experiences conditioned me believe this state was reasonable day-to-day functioning. Chronic low-level stress (lasting for more than 90 days) can also induce a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (ptsd).

My concentrated efforts in trauma therapy helped me more than anything else ever had. I finally found the simple tools to cope that I had been looking for my whole life. 

•Grounding strategies were key for me. I asked someone I trusted to be my "grounder" for awhile. The feelings you experience can be extreme (panic attacks, anxiety, hypervigilance) and these emotions block logic so it’s necessary to calm them in order to think logically. The one thing I needed to hear repeatedly was that I was “safe", that most people were good, and that I would be okay in the long term.

•Doing a cognitive behave workbook was another simple exercise (simple in that it’s available at any bookstore. I suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook For Dummies by Rhena Branch and Rob Willson). I still occasionally use the exercises.

•And EMDR helped the most. I found something similar online I could do on my own called emotional freedom technique – for me it wasn't as good but it still worked.

It’s a good idea to seek professional help if a betrayal has left you:

• Having trouble concentrating
• Suffering through moments of severe fear, anxiety, or depression
• Overly cautious/suspicious of people when you weren’t before
• Experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
• Avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma or gave you pleasure before
• Feeling emotionally numb and/or disconnected from others
• Using alcohol or drugs to feel better

Pushing through paralysis: When the pain of betrayal seems insurmountable

Emotional pain can be crippling, especially when we're blindsided by it. It takes us out at the knees, rendering us baffled and bewildered, wondering whom we can trust and what we should do.
The short answer to the latter question is...nothing. At least not right now.
Conventional wisdom has it that betrayed wives shouldn't make any quick decisions, in large part because the part of our brains capable of sensible decisions is AWOL. We're likely to make a decision out of exhaustion. Or anger. Or thoughts of revenge. More often than not, it won't be a decision borne of clarity of mind and pureness of heart.

But what about when the thought of taking any action seems like too much?
When we experience betrayal, our minds process it as trauma. It took me long time to acknowledge this. It seemed too dramatic. Or too self-pitying. And I was determined that this was something I could handle.
Except that I couldn't.
I was having panic attacks. I felt utterly without value. I couldn't stop crying. Or couldn't feel anything. Even with my children, I felt oddly detached. As if I was watching life from the other side of a glass wall – I could see, but not participate.
A friend who worked with survivors of sex abuse suggested that my situation sounded a lot like the post-trauma response she saw in SA survivors. And once she said that, my response became clear. And with that acknowledgement came the ability to give myself a break. To stop expecting myself to bounce back from this. To give up my belief that I could just "get over it".
Most of us won't get over this without a lot of work on our parts – counselling, self-discovery and life changes.
To get us started, visit this blog post aimed at writers...but with advice that works for any of us stuck in a bad place.
It won't be easy. But it will become easier.
And the time will come when you'll be able to make a decision based on rational thought and a clear view of how you want your future to look. For now, your future is the next five minutes...or ten.