I've been coping with the fallout of betrayal for about a year. I keep asking myself "When do I get to be happy again?" I ask myself hundreds if not thousands of questions a day. Probably not healthy – maybe a bit obsessive. I've got to work on that negative self-talk problem.
There are the usual questions: "Why wasn't I enough?", "How didn't I know?", "Will I always be alone?", "Will I be able to trust again?"
It's hard to feel hopeful with those questions constantly running through my head. They are filled with doubt about my future and my ability to be me again. What if I find love again, will I be able to believe in it?
For me, and for many of us, my life changed in an instant. The day before my D-Day my husband sent me a lovely note: "10 reasons why I'm so lucky you're my wife." How many women have a husband who says stuff like that out of the blue? I read that and felt so lucky, so loved, so safe. Now I think back to that list and think maybe he was was making a pros vs. cons list about me...and just decided to share the pros with me.
Today I got an e-mail from him asking why our divorce is taking so long. My how times have changed! Yesterday, I spent a lot of time asking the question I ask the most: "What happened to the man I loved?" Can I just ask all of you – when do the questions end?
Wow can I relate to all of what you said.
ReplyDeleteMe too. All day long in my head. Why, why why. I am like a crazy person having conversations with myself because to speak out loud would just be be dishing it out to my husband and that wouldn't get us anywhere. It's a lonely hard place to be.
ReplyDeleteMarti, it does make you crazy! All I can say is it does get better, but I know that doesn't help to hear because it probably doesn't feel true to you. Take care. I know how terrible it is.
ReplyDeleteMeg
My first marriage ended in divorce and I was a single mom for 7 years. I don't know the exact reason for my ex wanting it, but he did say he didn't love me anymore. I don't know if cheating took place, but the divorce and being alone again caused a lot of agony on my part. And for quite a long time (a few years)! Now, I just found out 6 weeks ago my 2nd husband has cheated on me. I find myself thinking and acting like a "crazy" person, too. He and I are still together, trying to "fix" things, but I find myself asking why all the time as well (along with dealing with the triggers and axiety and depression, trust issues, etc). What I couldn't imagine is going through a divorce caused by the other spouse's cheating! That would be a double whammy! I wish you all a speedy recovery!
ReplyDeleteOMG...I thought I was writing your blog. The only difference here is that my husband met the women he ultimately had the affair with on 07/03/09, through phone records, I found out about it on 07/07/09, before he even had sex with her and I told him I knew and if he valued anything between us, he would stop it. He swore her would and then went full force ahead and started the affair/relationship. Through tracking, research, following both of them, calling her and even calling the home she shared with her parents to let them know what a slut she was, they finally ended it after about 3 months and I stayed. All this does not go without cost because after a year, a couple of stints with prescription drugs and a mental breakdown since his affair, I can sincerely tell you that staying may not be the best option. Just so you get a very, very clear picture of what I'm going through, I'm going to be very graphic. Every time I look at his face, all that I can image is his gotti stuck in that nasty sluts crotch!!! Yes, he did THAT plus he had unprotected sex with her and at the time gave me the worse, worse yeast infection I've had in my entire life (in case you didn't know, when a man has unprotected sex with multiple partners, the exchange of floria between one women and another can cause this and much more and much worse). I still love him but I have no idea why and now it's much harder to walk out because all he says is "hey, you decided to accept it at the time and stayed so now, just shut up about it...", yeah he's a wonderful guy isn't he. My advise to other women is leave...leave...LEAVE! It doesn't get better for you, ever and the only way the marriage can have the illusion of being better is by you swallowing it and pretending it didn't happen and play nice. He loses nothing but you have to swallow your self esteem, your dignity and pride for "the sake of the marriage" and believe me, it's not worth it. Think of this, when a man cheats, he's only sorry if and when he get caught, if not, he's as happy as a kid in a candy store because he's playing you, the mother of his children, the women that puts up with him farting all over the house, he's playing you for a smuck and he couldn't be happier. Always trust your instincts and run like hell because you will always be the one hurt. He doesn't care about you, not even a little bit because if he did, you wouldn't be reading this right now. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI posted this last comment, even though I worried that it might upset some readers, because the writer is clearly so raw and in such pain. And I hoped we could hear beyond her words to her pain.
ReplyDeleteTo "Anonymous": I'm so sorry you're going through this. And, I'll be completely candid here, your husband sounds like a total asshole. I believe you should leave. He clearly has no respect for you nor any compassion for what you're going through.
I hope you've managed to find help to feel strong. If you can't leave for whatever reason, you need to create boundaries to feel safe again. Why are you continuing to have sex with him when there's no assurance that he's faithful now? Have you been tested for all STDs? Does he accept ANY responsibility for the affair?
Please don't paint all betraying husbands/betrayed wives with the same brush. There's no question we all share a common experience, which is why I created this site.
But we certainly don't share common circumstances. What's right for one might be wrong for another. And we must respect each other's choices and each other's unique experiences.
I love this guest post. It's real. It's from the gut. Emotional busting of the heart in simple words.
ReplyDeleteI also like the comment from the distraught (aren't we all) wife warning all of us to LEAVE and not now but yesterday.
I now know not to give advice - I used to full of words of wisdom. Women, and men sometimes, would love to ask me what I thought or what I would do. Takes a heart attack to change my eating or in this case to keep mum. I mean, really, what do I know? I thought I knew my husband, but turns out I was living with not only the enemy but a complete stranger. My words of wisdom now? Sit on it a while, think about it and we can talk in the future again.....
I have to comment on the infection. I have had bacterial vaginosis for a year that I can't get right of! It makes sex feel like being cut with a hundred razor blades. It's my husbands number one complaint in life but so ironic because he gave it to me. Crazy and horrible life. I'm trying to get out. If you still love your husband sometimes it isn't really him you love. You love the person you thought he was. I know about three affairs. There are probably at least 30. Dirty disgusting pigs. I might serve him divorce papers on our anniversary. We were together for 13 years and married for 8. Until D Day I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet. The worst is how we aren't supposed to tell anyone. I have told my mother and my best friend. I needed help.
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