I recently told my story to a writer for BettyConfidential, an online women's site. Check it out here.
And please share your story. Did you stay? Leave? Have an affair yourself? Is there a "right" way to deal with a spouse's infidelity?
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
My husband cheated on me during the time when my brother and dad were really sick. My brother survived but my dad passed away. My Dad passed away and he continued cheating on me instead of being there for me....Now its been 5 months since I founf out and we are separated...he already has pics of him with his friends and her in it.....
ReplyDeleteWhat a pathetic jerk. I am terribly sorry for your loss and that your brother was sick. Your husband is a ungracious, peremptory, loser. You deserve better. Just remember to never dwell on the past. Try to move on. Find a man that you will always love. There will always be that true hearted man out there for you. And I know it will be hard to find another man that will be trustworthy again. Your husband committed adultery and has problems. Any man that would do that has problems. Just know that all of the women here will always be there for you.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteNo should NOT visit her, particularly if you're feeling homicidal. Rage is common, murder is, fortunately, not so common. We don't want you in an orange jumpsuit.
Direct your rage at your husband and figure out whether or not you want to stay with the jerk. Get all the evidence you can about his affair...and confront him what what you absolutely know. His response (expect denial, minimization, anger...) will help determine whether your marriage is salvageable.
Hang in there. But don't go visit her. Please. She's just making a living (albeit on her back).
Elle
my husband of 32 years began an emotional affair with a coworker. It went on for a year then 4 years later he finally confessed that he performed oral sex on her and had intercourse many times while at work!!!! Over the course of the 4 years he never told me anything that I did not "dig up" the information on first. Then he only told me what he absolutely had to. Each time he ripped my heart out. He never used protection. He also had a 30 year porn addiction that I discovered by putting a web watcher program on the PC. Now he says he has become saved but even after he says he was saved he still lied to me about the affair for a year. I love him but this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. It has only been about 2 weeks since I found out about the sex. I am a Christian but how do you forgive such a betrayal? He never gave me any emotional affection or intimacy. I see now he treated me just like the women in the porn. Somehow he was able to give her everything I was never given. I pray alot and have been to several counselors alone and with him. He lied to them also. The most recent Counselor is a Pastor and I told him he had to go and admit everything to him as well. My husband thinks I can just "not think about it" and everything will be ok!!!!! What i believed to be only an emotional affair only ended after he had 2 seizures caused 100% by "stress".After the 2nd seizure I finally gave him the absolute ultimatum, me or her. He said it was never a choice and that he wanted me. I guess it is hard to juggle a mistress and a wife. She lives less than a mile from us. I know the affair is over. I just can't comprehend while I am no Miss America she is truly a hard looking used up whore. She is married but my husband was very careful never to let her family know while they flaunted it in front of me and mine. When I asked him why he treated me so badly he said it was because he never "cared". I asked why he just didn't leave me and he said he was a coward and was hoping that I would leave him.
ReplyDeleteNow he is doing everything he refused me all those years but the pain is never far away. He has gotten on his knees and begged me to stay crying his heart out. During the affair my one and only Grandson had been born premature at 2 lbs. We did not know if my daughter in law or the baby would be ok. Praise God they are both fine. He is 4 and the light of my life. we have only one son and he knows about the affair but none of the gory details. I guessI am asking for Prayer as I know only God can get me (us?) through this.
Sign me betrayed and in pain.
Ur story is just like mine. I have tried but i cant forget or forgive. He refused to go for counselling, but everything else is the same, no protection, flaunting her in front of me abd our family but her familt is in the dark. I jus last night had a nightmare about them. And though its been a few yrs it still affects me like this.
DeleteAnonymous, It will continue to affect you until you're able to feel safe in your marriage. He sounds emotionally abusive. Why would he flaunt it to you except to cause you more pain? Why are you tolerating that sort of behaviour? Nobody deserves the pain of betrayal but furthermore, nobody deserves to have that pain throw in their face.
DeleteYou're story sounds sadly familiar. And I know it's excruciating. I hope you can take some solace in the fact that others have gone through the same pain and come out the other side.
ReplyDeleteThe only way you and your husband can heal is if he is willing to take a long, hard look at his porn addiction, his affairs, and his treatment of you. Porn often creates an attitude of entitlement and a treatment of women as objects to be used for gratification. When my husband was deep in his porn addiction (though I didn't know it), our sex life became awful. I felt like a blow-up doll.
In the short term, I strongly urge you to get some counselling for yourself. You need help healing from such a betrayal. Forgiveness isn't the simple straightforward task it's often depicted in the Bible. It's a process...and one without necessarily a discernible end. But it's a necessary process in order to move you out of your anger and into a place where you can accept your new reality and determine if you want to proceed in life within your marriage or not.
I think it's time for you to create some clear boundaries. For starters, your husband needs a counsellor who won't counsel him without complete and total disclosure. I would guess your husband carries a lot of shame about what he's done. And that shame needs to be addressed in order for him to heal from his actions...and to be able to be there emotionally for you.
And I think you need someone who can help you see your way clear of the pain.
We're here to listen, support, advise...whatever you need. We're no experts but we've been there. And lived to tell our tales.
Good luck. Glad you found us.
I married my husband because I loved him. Another factor that supported my decision to be with him is because I thought he was "safe" for me. I grew up with a step fathter that couldn't stand me and the feeling was mutual. He beat on my mother and cheated at will. I swore I would never put myself in that position. I told my husband early in our marriage that my biggest fear was loosing my man to a white woman. He did just that. He took my children around her. He supported her when she called our home at 2:00 am. He told me I should not have been talking to her. He has hurt me over and over. We were married for 16 years and he treats me like I never mattered to him in the least. His girlfriend has three mixed children and we have two son's, one with Autism. How could he? He borrowed money from me to buy groceried for her and her children. How could I have been so wrong about him? How could I have lost my husband to someone like her? This was not supposed to happen to me. I married for life, now I'm a single mother. He left me and the kids when the lights were turned off and it was freezing outside. My children and I slept in a bed under blankets in the cold while he left at 11:00 that night and went to be with his girlfriend. How can people be so cruel? How can "she" be so cruel. This the FIRST time in my life I didnt have a job and couldnt support the family and bailed on me? What does that say about me? What does that say about my judgement? Even after the left me and humiliated me in front of the this woman, I still tried to help him and he still screwed me over. Why did feel that I deserved that? What could I have possibly done to make him that evil towards me? How do I not become "Bitter" after this type of treatment? We were college sweethearts. We had been together for 21 years, married for 16 years. How could he? Hurt, angry and disgusted. How do I recover when I have to see and talk to him because we have kids? What do I do? How do I handle this? How do I get passed the hatered I feel for the both of them. HELP! ANYONE! Please...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found us...but so, so sorry you have to be here.
ReplyDeleteYour story is sad, but familiar. All of us have gone through those same emotions -- why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? How could I have been so wrong? How can people be so cruel?
The answers will come as long as you take time to listen for them. This is happening to you because your husband is looking outside the marriage for something he should have been working for inside the marriage. You did NOTHING to deserve this. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. You trusted the man you loved...and he betrayed that trust. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And unfortunately, people can be cruel. As a wise soul said, "hurt people hurt people." She likely has been hurt herself in the past...and that makes it okay in her world to do the same to another.
But YOU don't have to live that way.
You can choose to walk with your head held high. You did nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You've got two wonderful sons who are going to need you more than ever (and I know how exhausting that must be...caring for kids, especially special needs kids, when going through the worst emotional pain is horribly exhausting. Can anyone help you out? You could really use a helping hand right now, I'm sure.). And you will survive this -- stronger, wiser...and more compassionate. Especially toward yourself. Because you will value your heart having come through such pain. You will value yourself because you know what strong stuff you're made of. And you will value yourself because you know how it feels to be hurt so badly...and you won't do it to yourself.
You have enormous courage -- you've shown that already. Hang in there. Find someone to talk to -- a counsellor, support group, or keep on sharing your thoughts here. We've been there...and we've healed (or are healing). We'll help you through.
My husband cheated on me with my daughter who was 18yrs old at the time. We had recently moved about 700miles into a new state and area where we were just getting to know the surroundings. At that time I was also taking care of my 83yr old mother who had congestive heart failure and was basically wheelchair bound. I had my suspicions but nothing concreite. What were the signs you may ask? None. Before we moved, I was gainfully employed and my husband had just lost his job and so he stayed home to care for my mother. My daughter had just found out she was pregnant at 16 and she was in an alternative school that lets her out early. When she came home my husband would go out and look for work. One evening they both came to pick me up from work and she was in the back seat crying. I thought there was something wrong with the baby but instead he tells me that when I'm not at home, "she is doing inappropriate things to him." She admitted it by telling me that she was sorry and it will never happen again. I immediately put her into counseling. I thought all was well. Then we moved and thats when things started to surface. They were spending alot of unusual amount of time together. I would ask my other children if they would see anything that was inappropriate between them and my daughter had told me she had seen my husband smack my daughter on her behind. But anyway, alot of time has passed and finally one day it all came out. My daughter had informed me that he had raped her, but after talking to her she said it was in fact consentual sex. I was devistated. Number one, we were all living together under the same roof while I was sleeping and from what was told by the both of them, they were putting cold medicine in my drink so I would stay sleep. I was supporting the both of them. Taking care of my grandchild and her and he had no job at the time. They didn't even think about the other children that were in the house that could have caught them in the act!!!! Total total total devistation!!! I'm seeing a counselor and I'm on meds. To add fuel to the fire, after I found out my mom passed away like 2 months after and I had already kicked them both out of my house. So I felt so alone and with no one to help me get threw this agonizing pain. Its been 3yrs since the incident and a year since I've found out. I am so miserable because they just want to sweep everything under the rug and not talk about it. But I feel that I HAVE to talk about it. In order for me to get through this and move on, I HAVE to talk about it. I'm scared though because so much time has passed they probably think I'm crazy for bringing it up. I am not aking for any advice, I just wanted to tell my story.
ReplyDeleteWait, are we talking about stepfather or real father? Seriously this sounds sick.
DeleteI'm in the same boat. I feel like I'm having a heart attack, but I know that it's not one because I'm still alive. I can't breathe.
DeleteAnon, I'm so sorry. I know that deep pain where you feel your heart breaking. You are still alive…so keep breathing. In, out, in, out. You will get through this. Focus on what you can control -- yourself. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
DeleteElle
takeaction,
ReplyDeleteWhat betrayal – by a daughter and a husband. I'm so, so sorry.
Of course, you have to tell your story. It's healthy for you to tell your story. Don't let them silence you. You're the one who's been betrayed and you're the one who needs comfort and compassion and healing.
What has your husband done to deserve to stay your husband? Sounds like you're the one in financial control – why are you putting up with two people whom you can't trust? You did NOT deserve what they did to you...but now's the time for you to figure out what you DO deserve. And I think it's a husband you can trust and a daughter who recognizes the pain she's caused and is willing to sort herself out enough to ensure it never happens again. Then figure out how you're going to achieve that. You can't change them...but you can change how much of their lying you'll put up with.
You need to talk about this. And you need to talk about this with them. Yes, it will be uncomfortable for them. I'm sure they each have a lot of embarrassment and shame around what they did. But that's THEIR problem...and they need to face up to what they did and find out what you need from them in order to heal.
Then – and only then – do they deserve your loyalty and support.
Good luck.
My husband said he's not sleeping with a woman at work, but they have been hiding "I love you and miss you e-mails and texts for about a year now. I begged him to stop and he said that her family life is miserable and shes just leaning on him. Well I can't take it anymore, so I sent this e-mail to her and her husband today. Please tell me how you guys deal with it? because I feel like I can't breath anymore. I have been crying for a year on and off, trying to convince myself that nothing was going on. I've told him what I thought would happen by letting her lean on him so much and by him allowing it to happen. yet he still keeps making it all better for her.... She has a husband and three children and has worked with my husband for 25 years.
ReplyDeleteDear S.,
Being a mother and a wife you should know how much damage it causes to lean on someone else’s husband in the manor you have been. You should be ashamed of yourself with the way you flaunt around my husband and the things you guys say to each other. I thought you were a friend. I begged him to stop this a long time ago and it keeps going on. Please one broken woman to another; I am begging you to stop ripping my family apart for your own comfort and selfish needs. Please stop before you go further, as your intensions are very clear and I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t believe that you of all people would do this to my husband or me and our children. We have had 25 wonderful years together and you all of a sudden decide to break my heart so you can have some for yourself. That’s not the way to find comfort, and you should never have let it go that far. Nothing more than what you would say if I were in the room with you should have ever been said at all! You are a horrible example of a mother, wife and friend. I hope you will have to feel this pain that I have for the rest of your life.
I love my husband more then you will ever know, and I don’t want to lose what we have worked so hard for. He has never acted like this before and I am more disappointed that it’s with you than if it were a one night stand with some bar hopper. This is personal and gut wrenching. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat… My daughter is pregnant and crying every day. Her father was her role model. My son is just quiet and doesn’t want to look at his dad anymore… You have made our family miserable. For God sake please stop. You should know all too well how hard it is to build a good foundation of a marriage and how precious it should be between a husband and wife.
If nothing else you should have known not to mess with anyone you work with either. What happens now?
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. It's hell, I know. My guess is that this letter won't make much difference, after the initial flurry of anger that you'll no doubt get from your husband and her. But that's not your problem. You've got to set some very clear boundaries and -- this is key -- THAT YOU WILL ENFORCE. You're handing over your power to two people who clearly don't much care if you're being hurt. It's time to take it back. If you want your marriage -- and it certainly sounds as if you do -- you need to insist that your husband cut ties with this woman immediately and start making you a priority. That means NO CONTACT with this woman. If he gives you the old "but I'm helping out a friend" nonsense, then you need to make it clear that YOU are also his friend and he's devastating you.
Decide what the consequences are if he violates your boundaries: Does he leave? Will you leave? Does he sleep on the couch? Do you no longer give him the other privileges of having you in his life -- sex, comfort, companionship. This is NOT about manipulating him, it's about taking care of yourself and ensuring that you are treated with respect and dignity and honesty. He won't treat you that way until you start treating yourself that way.
You do NOT deserve this. You are his wife and he made a commitment to you and he's violating that, whether there's sex involved or not (and brace yourself, because I'm guessing there is).
You need to fight like hell for your own dignity and fight like hell for your marriage. And that doesn't mean putting up with being treated like you don't matter.
I would also advise getting yourself over to survivinginfidelity.com and going into the "Just Found Out" section. You'll find lots of wonderful people who can give you advice and coach you in real time.
You will get through this, I promise. I hope your husband smartens up before you realize you're better off without him.
You're stronger than you know. And we're here to tell you that whenever you need us.
Elle
I an Anonymous, Oct. 5, 2011 7:35 pm
ReplyDeleteThe hard part is that my husband and I have so much in common, we love the same TV shows, the same music, the same places and food etc... he spends almost every moment at home with me, he ask me to join him, I don't push him into it. We have been soul mates and best friends for 25 years. We have regular and good sex. That's why I let it slide for so long when "S" would text or email my husband... she was texting him and he returning them while we were on a romantic vacation and making love every night. while we were watching football together hes telling her he misses her and loves her... That's so personally involving "S" into our relationship, that all I can think about now, is the two of them together. It's a slap in the face that he could LOVE another woman. He kept telling me she was at her sons wrestling matches and just bored, worried about him riding his motorcycle home tired after working double shifts,or that her and her husband were arguing and she just needed support. I'm the one needing the support, at this point I could care less about her problems. We were the perfect couple, we hold each other, take care of each other, and have fun together. That makes it worse to me than being in a loveless marriage... I truly thought that this man loved me all these years. He is a wonderful father and and was a great husband and partner. All of my friends were always jealous on how he treated me and loved to spend time with me. Even today hes texting me from work saying he loves me... I just keep crying, I don't know what else I can do. I just roll over to the side of the bed and cry when he comes home from work, and he holds me and tells me he loves me... and I just cant help but think of him holding "S" and telling her the same things.
It's something of a myth that affairs only happen in "bad" marriages. The appeal of another person telling us how wonderful we are and how needed we are is intoxicating and hard to resist.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as you know too well, the pain caused to those we love means we have to resist!
Your husband is fooling himself that this is harmless. The impact on you is clear and YOU should be his priority.
As I said earlier, insist that he stop this immediately -- no "saying good-bye" or letting her down easy. What they are doing is inappropriate to say the least. Three people in a marriage is one too many.
Make it clear that you won't put up with her in your marriage. It will force him to make a choice. And even if that first choice isn't you...he'll likely realize what he'd be giving up and change his mind. Then the hard work of healing begins...
Hang in there. You'll survive this. Promise.
I found out yesterday that my husband cheated on me. He went out of town with one of the guys in his gym and met up with a girl that had a boyfriend and he went to her house and had sex with her. This happened less than a week ago and I found out by going thru his phone b/c I just had a feeling. I saw pictures of her and I didn't see her face too much and I saw that he was talking to her as well. So, I took his phone and went outside and called her. She did not know that he was married and told me that they spent time together and had sex. I confronted him and he admitted it but the person I was talking to was not the man I married. I told him that it hurt that he didn't even say he was sorry or he felt bad but then he started appologizing. The hardest part for me is that he has two kids that I take care of all the time and they have become MY babies and I can't leave with them b/c believe me I would leave with them if I could but I can't. I made a promise to them that I would never leave them like thier mom did and so many other women did and I can't break that promise to them. I can't cause them anymore hurt than they have already been through. So, I'm stuck with him and I would spend the rest of my life in misery just to make sure that my babies are taken care of and that I don't break that promise to them. He said that he felt bad and that he was sorry but he knew that he was going there to meet her and he was still talking to her afterwards. How can he still talk to her while sitting next to me and say that he felt bad. When he got home the night that he cheated he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and it was like he really missed me and he said he did and all I could do was laugh and say that that is a joke and how can he honestly say that he missed me while he was out with another woman. He says he enjoyed himself but yet he feels bad. I have no clue what to do now. I can't leave but I should I love him but how am I supossed to spend the rest of my life with him after he did this to me. I could have cheated on him but I didn't b/c I made promises to him that I would always honor him and love him and that I would never hurt him the way he has hurt me. I'm going to meet with my campus councelor today to try and deal with this. The hurt is too much right now and I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for listening.
ReplyDeleteCecilia,
ReplyDeleteIt defies logic how someone can cheat then come home to his wife with a big hug and kiss. However, it's not uncommon. Men don't cheat necessarily because they're unhappy with their partners. They cheat for any number of reasons: loneliness, anxiety, fear, insecurity... Bizarrely it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a hole in their soul that they fill -- or at least ignore -- while cheating.
I understand your commitment to your stepkids. I, too, stayed because I simply couldn't bear the thought of losing my kids even every second weekend. I resigned myself to sticking it out for the kids. But I also made it my mission to heal as best as I could...and demanded that my husband do everything he could to determine why he risked a marriage he claimed he wanted. He underwent therapy and has faced down a lot of the demons that drove his behaviour.
If your husband remorseful? He must commit to "no contact" with the woman in order for you to heal. It's impossible to have any sort of healthy relationship with someone who's still involved emotionally/physically with another person. And neither of you are modelling a healthy relationship to the kids.
If he's committed to getting to the root of why he cheated...and if he's willing to commit to his family to never do it again (famous last words, I know...), it is possible to create a relationship that's fulfilling and healthy. Sounds like he and his kids have some baggage from other relationships that needs addressing. Is it possible to get the whole family into some sort of counselling? Sounds like you're in school -- is something available for all of you? At the very least, I hope you'll continue to meet with your campus counsellor and figure out how you can treat yourself with respect and heal from this agony.
Feel free to continue to post here and share your thoughts. We've all been there...
When my husband and i first got together he cheated on me with another women, a women who he would never see again and did for no real reason he never confessed until recently, I feel that our marriage is based on a lie. We were together for a month he cheated, denied denied denied.I then fell pregnant after dating two and a half years later. 9 months after the birth of my first son we married then 4 months after that fell pregnant again now I have a two year old and 4 month old boys. I want to leave but dont, im confussed. I told him if he tells me the truth i wont get mad, im not mad just sad that he lied for so long. I have asked him over and over again yearly, why did he tell me now, i wish he never told me. I feel like we are only together for the sake of being together, i cant tell him how i feel. Should i stay or should i go. I truely believe in marriage and what it represents but i dont want to be with someone if they dont love me, I feel he loves the idea of marriage and kids and not me. Like i was his last resort.
ReplyDeleteI obviously don't know the day-to-day details of your marriage but he certainly doesn't seem to feel any duty to hold true to the vows he made -- either legally or ethically. However, though it defies logic, men don't cheat because they're unhappy with or don't love their spouses. They cheat because it fills a need in them – either for attention, ego-stroking, variety... They cheat because they like the self they see reflected in another's eyes, which is why the woman herself hardly matters.
DeleteI know how much you're hurting and how hard it is to make sense of this, especially with all the demands that young children make on you physically and emotionally.
But try and stop figuring out what HE wants...and start considering what YOU want. Is this the man you want to be with? Does he (if he isn't cheating!) make you a better you? Are you good together? Can you grow old with him?
Or...are you better off without him? If that's the case -- and I know it's not an easy decision to make -- start figuring out what you need to make a life without him. Are you employed? Have money in the bank? Friends/family you could rely on to help find a place to live? Then, start putting those pieces into place.
In the meantime, talk to him: what's he saying about all this? Why did he tell you? What does he want his future to look like? What is he willing to do to make sure he doesn't follow through on temptation again? What advice would he give his sons if they ever struggle with cheating?
Good luck. And let me know how you're doing.
Elle
I would have to say that how I spent my holidays was the worse. My husband is in the military, he has only been in for almost 5 years and never have I actually gone through him being deployed but he would travel a bit here and there for training. One day he called me to ask me if it was a good idea to volunteer to go to Puerto Rico for the job he was doing because they were short on people. Now at this at that point of my marriage I had the up most trust for my husband so I didn't mind him going and I thought it would be an experience for him as well. Little did I know it was the biggest mistake of my life letting him go. While he was there he was keeping contact with me letting me know where he was at and when he was coming back to the hotel, I was a little jelouse because it seemed like he was having a blast over there and here I was taking care of the house and our 3 year old daughter. However I was content with him keeping me updated until one Thursday night he txted me that he was going to go to a karaoke bar with his buddies this was on his last week there and I knew he wasn't going to be back late as long as he kept me posted here and there. 12 o' clock came along....nothing....2 o' clock came along....nothing....5 o' clock came along and at this point a lot of things start going through my head but him being with another women was the least. He did not txt me until 8 the next morning and told me he fell asleep early...I believed him. He finally came back from PR and notice he wasn't acting the same he wouldn't want to be near me and he was on his phone a lot. That night we went to our friends house for a fun drinking night and we had a couple drinks enough to get drunk. We get home and before he lays down to bed his on his phone txting at like 4 in the morning at this point I had enough of it so wait until his knocked out and I look over to his phone and I find a girls name on the screen. At the point I knew exactly what he was up to....I confronted him about it and he admitted to sleeping with her 3 times at his hotel that very same night he "fell asleep early" I was torn apart right now I'm between a point where I love and hate him at the same time I know now that my marriage with him will never be the same again he destroyed everything....
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...I just found this comment buried in my file.
DeleteAnd I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.
Feel free to share more of your story, seek advice or opinions...and of course, you've got our support however you decide to move forward.
Cheating does change everything...but with time you'll see that it doesn't destroy "everything". It doesn't have to destroy you.
Hang in there...
Elle
I can't believe a married man would do this. When they do this, they have mental issues. It infuriates me to know that they are hurting all of you.
ReplyDeleteI have been married 4 years, i cook, i clean, do laundry, etc, everything there is to be taken care of at home i do. When he gets home from work I offer dinner, i ask how his day was, i leave him alone to enjoy tv, i give it up... (we have no children, we are both the same age 23) what else would a man want? right? well... he doesn't take me out anymore like he used to when we were dating, he has never had a detail since we married, he ORDERS me, he doesn't ask nicely! oh, and he doesn't romance me, he just wants IT, and i have to give it up or else "You're seeing someone else, you're a f-ing whore!" so i have to just to avoid being called names, he PROHIBITED me from seeing any of my friends soon after we got married, he NEVER talks to me about his day at work, he doesn't like a clean home, he has to make a mess as soon as he sets foot in the house, i can never ask for a new pair of pants cause 'I just want him for his money'. He has everything some other men want, and the b-stard still cheated on me! I found out about it, and confronted him he tried to deny, but i showed him the conversations with the other woman and he couldn't even look at me in the eye confirming that he did have an affair. Months after this he left my laptop open with his facebook private messages on the screen, he was talking to yet, another woman, and this time i found that he denies me, he denies being married. But this woman was smart enough to not give him any ass, and he quickly stopped talking to her...
ReplyDeleteMen are just... sick in the head in my opinion, some have it all, and they still go out and cheat! WTF do they want? Why do they get married if they're not willing to give up promiscuity? if they want to f-ck every bimbo they see, they should stay single and not hurt someone who's willing to give up many things for them.
i'm stupid for staying but i can't afford and have no one to take me in, he won't file for divorce i would have to and i don't have the money for that, besides if i do file for divorce my dad would literally die(cardiac problems), as he is a very old fashioned consevative man.
I can only dream of the day i will be free! and try to have a civilized relationship with him, while i get my s-it together...
And if you ask me if I'd get married again, I would tell you NO! in a heartbeat. I wouldn't reject the idea of having another relationship, but I would never marry again, the signing of that document changes everything, and i have seen it plenty of times, not only my own experience...
Soon i will be Free!
What you've been experiencing is outright abuse. He's completely controlling you – your money (it belongs to BOTH of you), your body (which belongs to YOU alone), your home (which also belongs to BOTH of you), your life... It's time to take back your own power. His anger is simply another attempt to control you, and you're letting it work. In the infamous words of Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. By accepting his treatment of you and allowing it to control you, you're teaching your husband that this is okay. It is NOT okay. It never was okay and it never will be okay. It is abuse!
DeleteYou can continue to live in an abusive relationship or you can leave. Forget the money, forget your father (if he dies, that's NOT your fault. What father would want their daughter to stay in an abusive relationship rather than respect herself by leaving??), forget everything but the fact that you need to get out and get clear on why you allowed yourself to be treated like this. I'm guessing perhaps growing up with a conservative and controlling father (and a submissive mother who didn't protect you???) is a place to start.
You are worth more than this. You deserve dignity and kindness and love. You need to start by giving it to yourself before you can expect to be able to receive it from and give it to anyone else.
You are worth the difficulty required to make the move out. Fight for your own life. We're here to remind you daily, if necessary, that YOU are worth fighting for.
Elle
It has been 2 months since I found out about my husband cheating on me. I found out on our only sons 1st Birthday, I put our son to bed and came to the computer to upload his birthday pics. My husbands email was up, so I clicked on it and in the inbox were messages from a couple girls names that I didn't recongize. I clicked on the first one and it was the sickest, worst message I had read in my life. It finally came to me that the message was from a girl at his work. A girl that was at our house with her 3 yr old daughter just a month earlier for our garage sale. Thought it was weird that she lingered around for an hour. On my sons birthday I was blindsided. I thought everythihng was fine, thought everything was normal in our marriage for the first year of a babies life. Thought things were getting better and we could start doing more things now that Aiden is one. I came to find out that he had been sleeping with this front desk girl, who is also married, going into work extra early to sleep with her in the truck that my dad gave us, in the seat that I always sit in because he always wants to drive. There was also another girl, the same girl that I caught him cheating on me before I found out I was pregnant with our son. He swore he would never message her again ever, how stupid was I to believe him!!!! Sending innappropriate pics and videos for the longest time, calling her the same name "Babe" as he has always called me!!! After I found out about these two girls, I still thought there was a chance we could work things out. He denied every single thing until he knew I had evidence. I only know of what I found left over in his phone, who knows how because he deletes all of his sent and received messages in email and text. So, then a week later after finding out I had him pull up his phone record for the past week to make sure he hadn't been in contact. There were 3 other numbers, one I recognized to be our mutual friend. One who I looked up to for breastfeeding advice. I asked him about who the numbers were, 3 girls, did more research, found out he was cheating on me with them too. I asked him about it, he denied it. He even swore with his hand on the Bible. Then I told him that I had the proof and that he lied to me yet again. We have been going to counseling but I still don't think I could ever trust him. He is trying to win me back. He sold the truck, we listed our house for sale, plan on moving back to my home state where all my fam and friends are. I feel like I am just waiting it out until we get moved to make my decision on getting a divorce or not. I don't want to file for one now because I don't want him to put restrictions on where my son can live, we live 24 hours from where I want to live with my son. If not for my son I would have been gone right when I found out. How do you gain trust from someone that has never confessed or told the truth about something. I want to but don't think I can. I believe in forgiveness fully but just don't know how I can in this situaion after being punched left and right with lies. Thanks for letting me get this out.
ReplyDeleteHi Anon,
DeleteI'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. So many of us have been where you are right now.
You ask how you can gain trust for someone that "has never told the truth". The answer is, you can't. It would be unwise to trust someone who has revealed himself to be untrustworthy. Forgiveness isn't about putting yourself in an unsafe place. And frankly, I don't think you should even be thinking about forgiveness until you get yourself to a point where you feel on solid ground.
Moving back to your home state is probably good for you. Will have support there from your friends and family?
Keep in mind, though, that many men use infidelity as a sort of stress-reliever (yes, I know it sounds ridiculous) or a way to manage anxiety and feelings of insecurity. Unless your husband is seeking some sort of counselling or otherwise trying to figure out why he's behaving like a total ass then I can't imagine that moving is going to change his behaviour.
You need to start by protecting yourself -- physically by not having sex with him. You need to be tested for STDs (it's horrible, but necessary).
Then you need to figure out what you will and will not tolerate. You can demand he have no contact with these women but, as you point out, he'll likely just go underground.
It sounds as if you're waiting to move home before you start making your demands. Once you do -- if you decide to give him another chance -- he needs to have absolutely NO CONTACT with any of these women and he needs to be totally transparent about his phone activity, online activity, and tell you where he is and who he's with any time you ask. He needs to show you with his actions that he has nothing to hide.
But as noted, he also needs to figure out why he's lying to the woman he claims to love and putting her health in jeopardy, not to mention the disrespect he's showing the mother of his child.
Hang in there. There's lots to read on this site about how to handle the pain of being betrayed. We've been there and many, many of us have found our way to happiness again -- some with, some without their husbands. There is no right way to handle this. Just know that you will get through.
Elle
i fell in love with a man 21years older than me...with a terminal illness ..i married him...been there for him....also raised his wild disrespectful teenager daughter.which put my through hell...i have no children...ive always been there him..always putting him first....always ...loyal ..honest...and when he down always picking him back up...making him feel...like a man...never disrespecting him...i recently had a serious..operation that almost cost me my life...luckily im here to write u this messege. my husband has done alot of cheating over the years...and i always found out..confronting him...i love him so much and tried to move on and work it out with him..because i loved him..and i know he needed help..because of his health issues....for the last 3years he has been depressed and unable to work..and im the sole provider.. its been so hard just to put food on the table..and even with me being sick too..i do whatever to provide for him..recently while looking through his phone...i discovered a video he recorded...having sex with a mentally..unstable know prostitue in the area...in my bed...while im working...hes begging..crying and doing everything in his power to make me stay with him...crying rivers..threating to kill himself etc... if i leave....and the worst thing about it ...the slut is my own sister!!!!! i need support and help...please help me......!!!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry. That your husband did this. That your sister did this. How profoundly hurtful.
If you're not already in counselling, please find someone who can guide you through the incredible confusion and pain.
And, if your husband isn't in counselling, he should also seek to figure out what he would do such a thing to you. I would think, too, that all the health issues you both have would create a lot of stress in the relationship.
I think the big question is, do you want to work this out? If not, you certainly don't owe him anything and no-one could blame you for simply walking out the door and taking care of your own mental and physical health.
If, however, you do want to rebuild a relationship with your husband, then you get to determine the conditions under which you do that. What do you need from him? What can he do to earn back your trust? What happens if he won't meet your conditions for reconciliation? Consider these questions, which will help you determine if/how to move forward...or whether to move on.
Neither option is easy. And no-one should have to go through that betrayal. But life doesn't always give us what we want...so we have to figure out how to create it.
Hang in there. It does, slowly, get better.
Feel free to post here and seek advice.
Elle
My husband is a fool. We have a 10 month old and another on the way and I found out this week he has cheated on me again, but this time with men. When I was pregnant with our first child he cheated and the stressed caused me to have our baby 5 weeks early. We tried mending our marraige for the sake of our family, but then I find this out and I know its all beyond repair. I can't imagine why or how or any of the questions that keep coming to mind. I feel like a episode of Jerry Springer. I am glad I found this blog though, it feels good to know I'm not alone in the world of problems.
ReplyDeleteHi Debra,
DeleteYes, he is. It's hell going through this but must be even more hellish to be going through this will an infant...and pregnant. Please do everything you can to stay healthy to ensure a healthy baby.
You're definitely not alone. There are many of us here who've gone through the same pain, some with newborns or pregnant.
What is your husband saying about this? Is he genuinely remorseful? Is he gay? Bisexual? It would seem obvious that he is, except that some men engage in sex with other men because there's no risk of emotional involvement -- it's "just sex," they say. Easy. Often anonymous. Without strings.
What is his story?
And do you know what you want to do? Do you have a support network to help you through? Friends, family, counselling?
You will get through this...but it sure helps to have people to help you through. Let us know what you need from us – post when you want to, share your story if you'd like, ask for advice.
You're welcome here...though we all wish none of us needed to be here.
Elle
I recently found out my husband had an affair because I tested positive for HPV. I am 42 married to him for 12 years with two beautiful boys. I have no idea what to do.
ReplyDeleteI love him with all my heart and I am broken.
18 years ago I was engaged to the love of my life and he was killed in a motorcycle accident 10 weeks before our wedding. I swore off men relationships and commitment. Threw myself into work and well here we are today. He has been my lifeline as I lost my mother and 7 other family members in a very short period of time and my father then remarried a woman 2 yrs older then me....I want to scream cry run yet very little comes out. He is totally devestated and wants to do anything to fix this...HELP
Anonymous,
DeleteI've said it before...when you're going through hell, keep going.
You've had far more than your share of pain and I'm so sorry.
Don't blame yourself for giving love another try after being so profoundly sad when your fianc̩ died. That's a good thing Рthat you're open to the possibility of loving again.
And that ability to move through pain and sadness will serve you well this time, too.
This is all still a shock to you...and you'll cycle through a lot of anger, sadness, numbness...even occasional glimpses of joy. It's confusing as hell and it's your body's and brain's way of surviving shock and trauma. You've probably been through this already with your fiancé though society tends to have more sympathy for someone dealing with death than with betrayal.
In any case, for now just focus on breathing and moving through your days. Don't try to make any big decisions.
It might be wise to try couples counselling, if only for triage at this point. It's hard to do any real healing work when you're still so shocked. There will be things you can't remember from one day to the next. And, in the meantime, you still have to parent together.
As the days (and weeks) pass, you'll slowly move into a new "normal". If you're in counselling or therapy, your therapist can help you sort out the confusing feelings of whether you're willing to give your husband the chance to rebuild a marriage with you or not. There, of course, needs to be absolutely no contact between him and his affair partner(s). And you get to decide how much you hear (or don't) about the affair. Be careful how much detail you ask for. There's something called "pain shopping" and it's our tendency to be masochists in our quest for every sordid detail.
Read here. There's lots of info. survivinginfidelity.com is another great site. There are plenty of good books out there. Janis Abrams Spring is a good start, as is Shirley Glass's seminal book, Not Just Friends.
You will get through this. I, too, lost my mom six months after D-Day #1 and two weeks past D-Day #2 (when I learned the whole truth). I never thought I'd survive. My mother was my rock. But I learned a lot and, dare I say it, I'm wiser, more compassionate and do my best to appreciate every day.
Hang in there. Post when you need to or want to. We've been there. We're not there anymore. And the day will come when you're not either.
Elle
I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for close to 6 years. I knew that things were not the greatest with us as we had been fighting, etc. He also was very blatant about staring and checking out woman. Trust me, I understand that men look, but it just became very obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me. It's fine to look and to check out other woman as long as you are taking care of things at home.
ReplyDeleteOn the day of my birthday on August 13th, we went out to dinner and he asked how my day was, and I said fine, I took myself out to lunch. He looked straight in my eyes and said, 'Well, if I knew you took yourself out to lunch, I wouldn't have taken you out to dinner'. After that, on August 14th, he kept liking pictures of woman on Facebook that were mutual friends, etc. So, I asked him not to do so. He blew up and said don't push me, you don't want to push me. I did push and then he asked me for a divorce.
I have beat myself up for that conversation, BUT..... the way that it turns out, he was looking for any excuse to ask me for that divorce and if it wasn't that thing that I did, it would have been something else. The same night that he asked for a divorce, August 14th, he was immediately posting on a woman that works for him, let's just call her 'A' saying things like, the ordinary things become extraordinary when you do them with the right person. The more that I dug, I found out he was taking pictures of 'A' while she was at work and sending them to her saying that the picture brought out her smile, etc.
In the first few weeks, we decided tat we would do a trial seperation rather then divorce. During that time, he met up with 'A' and her friends for breakfast, bringing treats for A's dog, asking her and her son out after breakfast. He also took 'A' out to dinner at a local pub that I had been asking him to take me to for months, but he wouldn't go under the desguise that he wanted to talk about our marriage. He then took 'A' out to a concert, picked her up and came home around 2am. He then took 'A' and her alcolohic husband out to a tour of a local brewery. How disgusting are these two? He is married, she is married, and they go on dates like it is no big deal. I think his actions show that he has no respect for our marriage or for me. I cannot tell you how much I hate this woman, knowing that she is married, with three grown children and no regard for anyones feelings other then her own. She enjoys the chase of finding another man, but in the end she turned him down, but still kept leaning on my husband. I am so hurt and so done with the two of them that I am screaming on the insides and want to just cry most of my days. I know that I need to let all of this go, but it is so hard.
As of Thanksgiving, he keeps chasing this woman wanting to be with her and wanting to make her dreams come true. He has promised her my life and I am so angry I could burst.
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what this man has put you through. From the sounds of it he has treated with you with contempt and shown total disregard for your feelings and the vows he made to you.
From the outside though I would suggest you run as fast as you can away from this man. And i would also suggest you get clear on why you put up with his cruelty. I'm sure you've got a lot to offer – starting with offering yourself compassion and respect. You've been through hell this past year. But he's done you a big favor by freeing from a marriage in which you were viewed as an inconvenience. You're not the problem, he is. And until he decides to fix himself, you're better of without him.
I know it hurts. We've all been there. But I think the betrayal of ourselves is worse than that of our husbands.
Hang in there and start doing what you need to do to heal your own pain, starting with putting this man firmly in the past, letting him make a fool of himself over a married woman and getting on with your soon-to-be-better life.
Elle
I have been married for 7 years. I am a supportive and devoted wife, take care of the home and attend all of his football games/school functions, etc. Last week I found out my husband was cheating on me...for the 3rd time. The same story again this time...he swears he has never met her, just started chatting online and then it turned into explicit emails, texts and even pictures/videos. I was suspicious so I checked his phone and found a text conversation about meeting up to have sex while I was going to be out of town. I confronted him and told him to leave. He is staying at a friends house and I just don't know what to do. I love him but don't think I can trust him again. He is very apologetic and says he has a problem and is seeking counseling. I know he will do anything to get me back but how long until he does it again is all I keep thinking. I dont want to hurt him- which I know is totally crazy because I didn't do anything wrong but I still feel that way. It would be so much easier if I hated him and he was being a jerk. It is so hard to think about leaving someone I love so much still. But at the same time I will not be hurt like this again. I told him the last time he cheated that I would leave. So what am I telling him if I don't?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
DeleteI think you know exactly what you'd be telling him. You'd be telling him that what you say and how you act are two different things. Which is exactly what HE's been telling you. What he says (I love you, I don't want to lose you) and how he's acting are two entirely different things.
I think you did the right thing by telling him to leave. Don't confuse the right thing with the easy thing. You need time to sort through your own feelings and he needs to understand that what he has been doing (three times!! That you know of!!) is absolutely not okay. He needs to undergo some sort of therapy to get to the bottom of why he's risking his marriage. I don't doubt that he loves you, but he's clearly willing to risk losing you for whatever thrills he's getting.
He's doing damage control right now. Don't decide your future based on what he's doing right now. Base it on what he's done...and on what he's doing to repair himself. Give yourself the time and space to really get clear. As long as you've got his apologies and declarations of love ringing in your ears, you won't be able to think straight.
Hang in there. You've got the power right now to call the shots. Don't give it up. YOU decide what you want. YOU decide what happens going forward.
Hang in there. I know this is heartbreaking. You'll get through. Really. Just get as clear as you can on whether this is a good guy doing some really stupid things...or evidence that he's just not capable of being the man you want him to be.
Elle
I'm divorcing my husband of 25 yrs for cheating on me and lying to me. We aren't even divorced
ReplyDeleteYet and he wantstojoin a dating agency he has no shame as we are still having to share the same home at the moment. Men will tell you I finite lies to save themselves. Do what is right for you ........ Your other half is doing just that for himself.Be strong...
I stumbled across this site because I am looking for ways to stop the pain. I found out a little over a month ago that my husband cheated on me with his ex-fiance. They reconnected over facebook about 2 yrs ago. I told him that I was uncomfortable with them talking and he assured me they were just friends. I still asked him to not talk to her. He went behind my back and started texting her because I had access to his facebook acct. I went out of town for a family reunion last year. We have 4 kids. They were with me. I called him on the way on home and he did not pick up, which was not like him. When I arrived home, I knew something wasn't right. I asked him if he has done something. He said that he has met her for drinks and that nothing happened. Fast forward to last month, that was all a lie. He told me he has sex with her. She called him and told him that she has a hotel room and that they could just talk. No pressure. My husband told me that he was having low self esteem and did not feel appreciated and she was making him feel better. He wants to stay in the marriage and is ery remorseful. I on the other hand am hurt and cannot seem to getv over it. And the worse part of it all, she lives a little over a mile from us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry for your pain.
DeleteIt sounds as if your husband wants to rebuild the marriage. But that can only work if both of you do the hard work of sifting through what went wrong, why it went wrong and how you can protect yourselves against it in the future.
In the short term, you no doubt have a lot of anger and hurt and fear, all of which needs to be processed before you can think about a future with your husband.
Is he able to listen to you explain how this all feels to you? Beyond remorse, is he able to support you and accept your pain without shifting responsibility, making excuses and so on? It's crucial that he take total responsibility for his choices and the pain it caused. While recognizing that his low self-esteem made him vulnerable to the attention of another woman is helpful down the road, it doesn't excuse him for what he did.
Her close proximity also doesn't help.
That said, it's certainly possible to rebuild a marriage but it's hard work and takes a long time. You need to start by asking yourself if he's a good guy who did a bad thing...or someone for whom an affair was part of his character.
Elle
Elle, I want to thank you so much for your reply. This website has been like therapy for me. I feel so much better about my situation. I spoke with my husband and because of the things I have learned from this site, my point of view is much clearer to him. I haven't cried in 2 days, which is so wonderful. I have cried almost every day since I found out. I have also been able to come to terms with what was lacking in our marriage. My mind is no longer obsessed with the act of the affair. I am able to handle the pain much better. I believe that my husband is a good guy that did a bad thing. He has cried as much as I have. Every time I bring it up he starts to tear up. He knows how much he has hurt me and he is trying SO hard to fix it. He knows that he is the one who "f"'d up. He does not want me leave him. I was also a woman who said " if my husband ever cheated, I would leave”, but actually having it happened has changed my whole outlook on life. It definitely has turned me into a different person. I want to save my marriage and I want to be a survivor!
DeleteI feel wonderful when I hear that this site has helped a betrayed wife in any way -- whether to recognize that she needs to leave, discover that she wants to rebuild or simply feel less alone in her pain.
DeleteA lot of us were in the "if he ever cheats on me..." camp. Nothing changes someone's mind like a hypothetical slamming straight into reality.
Elle
I found out my husband has been having an affair for most of our 9 year marriage Before we got married he had an affair with the same person. I just discovered she is still in his life and his mother and her are friends. He has never stopped seeing this person. I found out a month ago and I still havent confronted him. He knows I know because he went to sleep to another room and has been trying to take the kids out on his own. Please helo I feel horrible. I literally feel sick.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry. You must be absolutely stunned at his level of deception. I think, given that you think he knows, you need to figure out your next move. Have you contacted a lawyer? I wonder, since he's moved into another room and has been carrying this on for so long, if you should ensure you're protected financially.
DeleteWhat do you plan to do? Do you have emotional support from friends/family as you figure this out?
Please ensure you're taking care of yourself. How old are your children? Do they know what's up? I've no doubt you do feel horrible. That he's capable of such deception is shocking and deeply concerning.
Let us know how you're making out.
Elle
Hi, Ellen thank-you for reaponding. I am unsure of what to do. He has tricked me in so many ways. We bought a house and i gave him 60,000 dollars from my savings to find out later he did not even put my name on the title. He put his mother and himself. He made us loose the house we were living at by refusing to make payments. so that we could.get a.better deal. Bit turns out I ended with bad credit and no house on my name. He had his mistress work at a real estate office that is run by a friend of his. She works like a block away from him. I found her cell phone number on his mother's boyfriend's cell phone. So she is obviously part of his inner circle. I am in tremendous pain but I am trying to remain calm for the sake of my two children. My daughter is 6 and my son is 4. I haven't told anyone about this because I really have no friends. My mother is sick and I dont want to put her through more pain. I haven't confronted him because i feel horrible and he doesn't seem to care because he doesn't even ask why I don't speak to him.
DeleteThis guy is poison! I know how protective you must be for your kids and that's admirable. But you absolutely must take care of yourself in order to be a good mom to them.
DeleteGet yourself to a lawyer (most will at least offer a free consultation) and find out exactly what you can do regarding your financial situation and what you're entitled to in a divorce. You need to get away from this guy. He's not only cheating on you, he's robbing you. Please don't give him another penny of your money or another minute of your concern. Be calm and quiet until you've met with a lawyer and know what you to do next. Don't let him know that you're thinking of leaving. You don't want to give him any time to prepare or hide money or whatever.
Please, please get away from this man. He's cruel, deceitful and treating you like a bank machine, not a wife or the mother of his children. It won't be easy, I know. But you're worth more than this. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and honesty. If he can't do that, then do it for yourself.
Elle
I found out 5 weeks ago that my husband kissed his manager of his soccer team. She is married with 3 kids as well as we are. The worst part is I feel like he only told me because the husband emailed the team and him and threatened to tell me. He told me it was the first time and nothing else happened. I threatened leaving and after a week of yelling and screaming to tell me everything he said she didn't kiss him he kissed her back. Originally he played the victim card that her marriage was bad and he felt bad for he hugged her and she kissed him. Then I talk to her husband and we fight again about the truth and he unwillingly finally tells me about messages and flirting that conspired the few weeks before. The night he left to go to a coaches meeting/reception he didn't want to even go b/c I was sick and so was our 11 month old. Then he got a text from her and decided to go. I found that out later from the husband of course. So you can see my husband basically didn't divulge any information freely or honestly. I am angry and hurt and feel like there could be more but I also feel like I threatened him so much surely he told me everything. He doesn't have a past of cheating or even lying so I am so thrown by this. Our marriage seemed fine and even almost perfect. I would say we got busy and weren't spending enough alone time together or being intimate enough but really other than raising our 3 beautiful children I wasn't neglecting him. I see why she would have nothing to lose being in a bad marriage but not my husband. I am so hurt and angry and cannot stop feeling like there's more even though I at the same time feel like he might be telling me everything. I just don't know how to move past it. Can I really ever trust him again? the flirting and kissing especially one of his players mom's is just disgusting and so unlike him. I'm ashamed and saddened he could risk our family for what just a kiss? How do I trust and forgive him when I'm hurting so bad? I feel like my hopes and dreams are crushed and he took away all my happiness. Please help, how do I know if there's more or when to stop badgering him for more information or lies? I know he's hurting too and in pain, I can see it and I want to move past this I really do but I'm having such a hard time finding closure.
ReplyDeleteWe all know how excruciating it is to find out that the man you loved and trusted has betrayed that trust.
DeleteYou ask how you can trust and forgive him when you're hurting? The short answer is you don't. Your first job is to tend to yourself. Take good care of yourself and remind yourself as often as possible that this isn't about you or your marriage necessarily. It's about him seeking something that he's missing in himself. Maybe it's a fear of middle age, maybe it's a fear of missing out, whatever. That's HIS problem to figure out. Your problem is to get yourself on stable ground and then you can examine whether or not you can trust and/or forgive him.
In order for him to expect that of you, he absolutely MUST tell you everything. If he says he's told you everything and then you discover there's more, or someone tells you there's more, it will set you and your reconciliation back a long way, sometimes where it's irreparable. Most people who cheat will deny at first, or lie, or minimize or somehow make things look less bad than they are. Which is why it's crucial that he recognize that there must be total honesty and transparency in order for you to move forward. Nothing is worse than finding out a spouse was lying about their own lying.
There's lots to read on this site that can help you as you're starting out in your healing.
Feel free to ask questions or post your thoughts. We've been there. And we can help you get through.
Elle
How to start...I'm feeling so devastated to finally realize thatt my husband has cheated on me many times and I've tried hard to feel that i'm the only one... until now I found out that he likes women and ... He cheated on me ...with my sister. I don't want to feel like this. I just want my life back. I just want to feel like nothing is going on but can't. I feel like running away, crying, shout... help me God. I need someone to help me go through. I love my husband so much and how can I change this feeling? I don't want him close to me anymore but he doesn't want to go . He says that it's not true and that he loves me so much. It's 17 years of marriage down the drain. How could my sister do this to me?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
DeleteThere's not much we can say or do right now except assure you that, with time and self-care, you'll get through this. Try and eat healthy, get some sleep. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Walking is a great way to process your feelings and ensure you're getting exercise and fresh air. Right now, it's pure survival.
I have no idea how a husband and sister could do this. It's insanity. And so cruel.
Here's a post to help you through the first weeks:
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2009/11/you-found-out-he-cheated-how-to-survive.html
I just found out (2 months ago) that my husband of 14 years has a 10 year old son. We have two kids of our own, 9 and 12. I actually knew about the “one night stand” a few months after it happened (he confessed). But he never told me she got pregnant. I found out because she called me, told me, and asked if my husband can have a relationship with her son. She admitted she knew he was married and it was a one night stand. She also admitted he did not want the kid and tried to convince her to abort. But she still wanted to have his child. Apparently he had seen the child off and on (maybe twice a year) and had stopped about a year ago. He had also been making child support payments without my knowing. He has an extra part-time cash paying job so it was easy to hide that from me. When it all came out, he admitted it,expressed how sorry he was,and said he did not want to tell me for fear of losing me and the kids. When I asked him why he was visiting him ifdidn’t want anything to do with him, he replied he only did it to keep her quiet so it wouldn’t get back to me. Which bringsme to my point. Now that the cat has been let out of the bag, he has contacted the child’s mother to let her know he will only provide child support payments but does not want a relationship with the kid. He says his priority is making things right with his wife and kids. It’s crazy because I told him I would support him if he decided to have a relationship with his son (I'm not sure I really believe this). I personally don’t want anything to do with this child, but I feel bad that his father doesn’t either. He said he just doesn’t feel anything for him.
ReplyDeleteI love my husband and he is such an AWESOME father to our kids. I just don’t know what to do.
I found this group recently and I'd just like to maybe give a different view on this. No, I am not a betrayed wife. I'm actually not even married. I am the child of a man who cheats on his wife chronically. It's with many women who both know that he is married and don't. I don't know the full details.
ReplyDeleteMy mother knows, it has just gotten to the point where she has sat idly by and just tells me that as long as he comes back to us in the end, she does not mind. Obviously, I call bullshit, but there's nothing I can really do to change her mind.
Growing up, I was always aware of their fights. Being the only child to two very immature people, they only tried half-heartedly to shield me from the truth. I never wanted them to stay together, but they said that they didn't divorce each other for my sake.
Each year, I watch their fights get progressively worse. I think I've lost count how many times they have told me they were going to get a divorce. The thing is, he thinks what he does is completely fine. That there's nothing wrong with it.
I am now barely an adult, but I am scared to see how their tumultuous relationship has affected my mindset on my own relationships. For as long as I could remember, I have sought the attention of older men who have children because I desperately want them to give me the "normal" family that I have always wanted. I'm scared to find out how much their relationship has impacted me.
I don't know why I'm making this post. I've just been searching a lot of support groups for people who have been cheated on and forums for people who cheat to try to understand mindsets, I suppose. I just beg any and all of you who decide to take back a cheating spouse: think of how it impacts the children. Only take someone back if you're both going to make a solid effort of trying to move on and heal the situation.
As for the mistresses, while it is true that the man is the one who cheats in the first place, if you are aware that he has a family, then shame on you for continuing.
Hogmonkey,
DeleteThank you so much for sharing your experience here. You sound incredibly wise and insightful (if a bit cynical) for your age.
I was in your situation, though to a lesser degree, I believe. And I spent too many years in relationships with men who cheated because my childhood had taught me that's what men did. And women forgave them.
I'm glad to know you're in counselling and getting clear on your own choices. I ultimately selected my husband because I thought he was the most principled man I'd met. I also congratulated myself on choosing someone who was not an alcoholic (both my parents were), completely oblivious to the fact that he was a sex addict. Sigh…
When I decided to rebuild my marriage, it was with the understanding that we were rebuilding. Not simply reconciling. There was NO WAY I was going to continue in the same relationship. I'm happy to say he's a different man today…and frankly, I'm a different person too. Far healthier in many ways.
I wish that for you too. Your parents dysfunctional dance is theirs. Kudos to you for recognizing that it's unhealthy and that you want something very different. The challenge for you is to recognize unhealthy in many forms. And to recognize healthy, when you've never seen it before.
I hope you'll keep us posted. I suspect you're going to do just fine. Part of your own healing will be to accept your parents' craziness…the same way a parent accepts a toddler's. They won't change until it's unacceptable to them. No matter the damage to you. Immature. Yep. Deeply damaged. Yep. But somehow they produced you, with an insight and desire for better.
Elle
Thank you for that reply. I'm happy to hear that at least one relationship has worked out. I will keep you updated!
DeleteHe promised me over and over again that he loves and they mean nothing and he had 3 children out side of our relationship and he told me that he is in love in the both of us and can't let go of either of us. He refuse to leave either of us. And he thinks it is all fine.
ReplyDeleteIs it fine with you? He doesn't get to decide what's "fine". You do. If it's not "fine", then you need to walk away. He's telling you that this is what a relationship with him is going to look like. Children with other women, another sex partner. Honey, you know you want something better than this. Give it yourself by walking away.
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