One comment made by Rochette struck me. She noted how she stayed away from the crowds and didn't look at their faces because she didn't want their "sad eyes."
I know exactly how she feels.
When you're barely holding it together, when you're living your life moment by moment, unsure how you're going to function, those "sad eyes" can make you crumble.
For exactly that reason, after D-Day, I chose not to tell most people in my immediate circle. Hours after the news, I arrived at my children's school to pick them up. A friend looked at my quizzically and asked if I was okay. I said I was. "A little tired...," I admitted. And that was it.
The temptation to tell was huge. I wanted the world to witness my pain, to hold me when I cried, to tell me my husband was a cheating bastard...
Or did I?
The truth is I didn't want to hear other people's opinions of my husband, my marriage or me. I didn't want their advice. I didn't even want to hear their own stories of pain. Not at that point.
And I knew the time would come when I wouldn't want their sad eyes following me around. When I would have moved forward and wouldn't want their eyes constantly reminding me where I'd been.
For me, it was the right choice. A few close friends know, though most of them live far away from me so I only see them occasionally. None of my "daily" friends know...and I'm glad. I get to be "normal" with them. And though I went through a stage where I felt like I had a mask on, I got through it and am glad I kept it on.
Getting over betrayal is a step-by-step process. What is a good choice one day mightn't be the next. We can change our minds. We can adjust our thinking.
What about you? Who did you tell?
I told only certain select people. My sister is my best friend...and the day I found out about the affair, she was flying in for a visit. I could NOT keep that from her. I would have told her anyway, but her coming into town and seeing her and having her to talk to in person and hug, I really needed that.
ReplyDeleteI told only two other very close friends. Other people do not know. No one at our church knows. My parents will hopefully never know. He told his younger brother himself; his two sisters do not know. Other than our therapist, that is it.
I felt like shouting it out to the world, I felt like putting on my facebook status "My husband is a cheating bastard!". I agree, the temptation to tell is HUGE!! But I had to tell myself, if I really want to stay with him and try to work on our marriage, do I really want everyone to know?
Over Thanksgiving we went to my in-laws house and it was only a few weeks after D-Day. People could tell I was not myself and asked my husband if I was okay. Just told everyone I wasn't feeling well. I thought "if you only knew"...
That sense of "if you only knew..." hasn't really diminished for me. It generally emerges when I'm feeling unappreciated or undervalued. It's like I want Brownie points for keeping it together and being able to fool everyone... I want to scream, See what I was capable of? Aren't I amazing? Then, of course, the feeling passes and I realize that what I might gain in the short term would be a detriment in the long term.
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with women like Elin Nordegren and Elizabeth Edwards who will always be viewed by the world through the lens of betrayal. I hope the don't define themselves that way...
Only told a dear friend who lives in another town and a spiritual advisor. After 3 1/2 months of not confiding in anyone else, I agree it is difficult. There are days I want to shout it but can't if I choose to forgive and stay married.
ReplyDeleteI called his parents when my world imploded in July 2007. I didn't tell my family till January 2009 when he had a slip (he is a professionally diagnosed sex addict). I found out my uncle was having an affair. I sent out an email and threw everyone under the bus that had ever cheated, father (although I left my mom out I think), 2 of my sister in laws (with 2 of my brothers), husband, etc. I was f'en angry!
ReplyDeleteThe man I'm with is not my husband (he admitted to dragging his feet), but we live together and have a daughter together. He denies having physically cheated, but the texts I've seen make me wonder. If he hasn't cheated he has come awfully close. We broke up over this before and after about two years back together the text messages have started again.
ReplyDeleteThis time I could not tell my so-called best friends. I don't know why, but it seems like all they have ever done is criticize me over every little thing. One of my friends even told me she didn't think my man and I were a good match and she doubted we would last. She said that when things were going well! Now, she's decided to take a break from our friendship, but that's a different story.
Anyway. I found myself confiding to one of my closest work friends as well as a few other co-workers. They've all said the same thing. "Only you can decide what's right for you. Don't make any rash decisions that you may regret later." I've never had so much support from so few people.
My man's family found out of course. His mom doesn't like me, but she is pissed at what he did. One of his sisters even messaged the girl on facebook and told her off.
My parents, however, are not aware of the current events. They are already unhappy that he allows his mother to treat me the way she does. I guess I don't want there to be any more bad feelings between them if I do decide to stay with him. It's been over a week and I still don't know what to do.
Scarlette,
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, your friends are right. Only you can decide. It would be so much easier if some wise soul would run our lives for us, wouldn't it?
However, you've got some things to consider. For starters, what is your partner saying about this? Is he remorseful? Is he answering any/all questions? Does he show signs of recognizing how much pain he's caused and any indication that he wants to make amends?
If not, what are your reasons for staying? If he's not willing to acknowledge the pain he's caused -- whether the affair was physical or not, betrayal is excruciating and a violation of trust -- then it's virtually impossible to rebuild a relationship. Without trust, there is no intimacy. With no intimacy, there really isn't a relationship.
So that's where I would start. By demanding that he acknowledge what he's done and answer any and all questions you have honestly. If your gut tells you he's lying, my advice would be to trust your gut.
It might make sense to ask him to leave...at least for a while so you can sort your thoughts out. His loyalty should be to you...not to anyone else except also your child. If it's not, then it's time to seriously reconsider the value of your relationship.
You deserve to be treated with respect...and that starts with treating yourself with respect.
Good luck. Feel free to continue to post. I hope others will offer up their thoughts and advice too. We can learn a lot from each other -- and support each other.
This is something I seriously struggled with and on bad days, still kinda do. I told a couple close friends who I knew wouldn't be judgmental, but it's still hard to even talk to them because they don't truly understand. My family will never know. My family is the definition of judgmental. I've come so close to sitting his mom and sister down and talking to them, though, his family has him up on a pedestal and that's always annoyed me, especially now and sometimes it annoys me to the point that I almost feel its important for them to know. But I haven't. My extreme anxiety has caused problems with a few members of my family, who I refuse to tell. So I have to just suck it up and apologize for being "rude" and "bitchy", when really its the anxiety controlling me. I am so very grateful that I found my therapist. She is truly amazing. The first one I was seeing was very not amazing and not helpful in the least.....a guy, go figure.
ReplyDeleteEmily,
DeleteWhether or not your friends really understand, they know you're in pain and simply being with you and offering you their strength and compassion can be enormously healing.
Like you, I've been sooo tempted to tell my husband's family. They're incredibly judgemental of others and tend to feel superior to everyone (though I've no doubt it masks HUGE insecurity)...and I've wanted to wipe their smug looks off their faces.
But...I know that their potential rejection of my husband would make any satisfaction short-lived. So I keep my mouth shut.
Elle
Emily,
DeleteThank you for your post. It really helped me.
Ann
I have been looking for help online to do with this, my husband cheated and we are trying to work at it, but my parents know because they have seen me distraught but he will not tell his parents but feel his parents are being off with me as they think our unhappiness currently is down to me, I want to tell them but I cant as my husband does not want to, I need advice, will it make things better, they do not agree with cheaters and my husband although he wont admit it is scared of what they will think of him and so makes it easier for them to not know.
DeleteAnonymous, WE have a saying on this site, courtesy of one of the wonderful women here who goes by "Steam", and it's this: My heartbreak, my rules. He chose to cheat. And, unfortunately for him, with that choice comes consequences. You're the one whose heart is broken and you get to set the ground rules now. If he's asking you to accept what he did and try and rebuild a marriage, then you get to determine what that reconciliation looks like. However, before you tell anyone, ask yourself the purpose of telling them. If it's to shame him or hurt him or create more pain in his life, then that's something to think hard about. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just suggesting you check your motivation. If you're seeking allies who take your side, then, again, ask yourself if that's going to give you want you ultimately want. For one thing, you might be surprised when people don't take your side. For another, if your goal is to rebuild a marriage with this person, then you want to begin on the same team. The two of you working to reconcile.
DeleteI know how painful this is. And I can imagine how hard it is to feel that you're being blamed by people who don't know the story. And it's possible, I think, to make it clear that you're dealing with marital issues without telling everyone the whole story if you don't want to.
I just don't want you to create more problems than you're already dealing with. So...check your motivation. But ultimately, your heartbreak, your rules. You get to decide who knows and who doesn't.
Thank you for your reply, I understand what you are saying, the other issue is that we are living between parents houses whilst our house is being renovated, but have not stayed at his parents since I found out about the affair and my husband is telling me I am causing a divide between myself and them, therefore making everything more difficult, I cant have a wobble or breakdown in front of them as they don't understand what is going on, I think they think I have upset there son. My parents are aware and have supported both of us, but feel a bit like my husband is getting away with any grief as the only people who he seems to feel scared about is his parents knowing, I thought they were a close family they are on the surface but looking at them more during this feel they are not, during this hard time (when they have thought just that our marriage was breaking down) I thought they may have contacted me to see if I was ok, I have been in there lifes 13 years and have heard nothing from them, my parents have checked up on my husband. I just feel let down by them and also let down by my husband who has cheated that he cannot tell them for me to make them understand my hurt is not just over marriage problems. I feel also on edge as I feel too emotional at the moment to maybe meet with them or stay over as I may say something. I really feel in a rut with this and feel like it is stopping any healing process.
DeleteI don't know, it seems to me that keeping silent about such a serious offense esp when the cheater may have used family and friends to cheat, smacks of collusion. My main priority right now is to heal myself, not worry about him as he clearly didn't worry about me or our relationship while engaging in his affair, which btw displayed monumental selfishishness and narcissisism. And if that entails speaking to close friends, family, even not so close friends, so be it. If he is truly remorseful he'll deal with the fallout on the situation that he caused and if he won't or can't, then he is not the man I thought he was and I deserve better.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems to me that the onus for repairing the relationship should be the betrayers and he should do Whatever It Takes to resolve it.
I agree in theory...but in my experience, a few people I confided in very early after finding out only compounded my pain by being a bit insensitive. Comments from "well, I wouldn't stay with him..." didn't exactly move me further along the path to healing. They made me defensive and feel like a doormat.
DeleteSo I do think it's important to consider who you tell in order to protect yourself from further hurt.
Elle
I told 4 of my closest friends, but they all live in different towns. Communication with them is hard as they all have busy lives and a couple of them have not so good marriages themselves. But they all have encouraged me to rebuild my marriage. 36 years of marriage all blown to bits in an instant. It's been 8 months since D day. My husband is very remorseful, but I am still so very angry. I feel like I am the one driven to read everything I can find on the subject and find help to be able to forgive. Then I wonder if I even really want to stay....then I think I couldn't leave if I wanted to. And I DO love him....but to have sexual relations again with him?? That is so hard... I was experiencing severe health challenges when he stepped out...not just once over the last 6 years, but 3 different times. How do I stay with a man that I still love and I believe he does love me, when he turned his back on me when he was suppose to be committed in 'sickness' and in health. I want HIM to be doing whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage, but he says he feels like he doesn't have any rights left to do that and he doesn't know how. He has taken responsibility, but he has not taken LEADERSHIP in the repair department. We are in counseling I should mention. We are also reading the book "Not Just Friends" together. However he says all that book does is bring back to the forefront everything he is trying so hard to forget. I am frustrated.
ReplyDeleteBarb,
DeleteI'm so sorry for your health issues and your husband's betrayal. Just when you needed his support, he was unable to be there for you, which I'm sure feels like a double betrayal.
I want to caution, however, against something that I think so many of us do...but that doesn't really help us. You say, for example, that 36 years of marriage is "all blown to bits". And I'm going to ask...is that true? Or is it possible that, within those 36 years, there's still much that's intact. Your love for each other perhaps? Though there's some self-righteous satisfaction in dramatic pronouncements, they don't really put us in a place where we can start rebuilding. Rather they keep us stuck in the injury.
I'm amazed, though I've heard it often enough that I shouldn't be any more, at how many men stray when their wives are dealing with crises. Whether it's a high-needs child, an ailing parent, her own illness, a woman's crisis seems to trigger some sort of panic/crisis in many men. And I would guess that it's frequently men who are unable to understand/express just how frightened or abandoned they feel. I'm wondering if that's the case in your marriage. Not that his inability to handle his emotions gives him any right to have an affair, just that it gives you and him a starting point for understanding.
As long as we think of an affair as the cruel act of a total narcissist, we make it all but impossible to rebuild our marriages on a solid foundation. However, if we're able to step back and view not the ACT but the husband with some compassion, we're often able to be more compassionate to ourselves too and stop seeing ourselves as some dupe who was cheated on.
Your husband screwed up, no question. He made a tragic mistake. And it's critical that he acknowledge that mistake...not just with a perfunctory I'm sorry, but to really examine what thought processes allowed him to go down that road. What stories was he telling himself (she's not available to me anymore, she's consumed with her own problems, I've been a good husband for XX years, I deserve this, blah blah blah) that gave him permission to step outside his own moral code? Without that knowledge and mutual compassion/understanding for the roles EACH of us play when something like happened (note I'm not saying blame...because I maintain it's not the wife's FAULT), this will continue to be like the infamous nuke button that either of you can threaten to push any time you're angry, frustrated, disappointed. You need to acknowledge that the button is there and agree that you'll disable it but only when each side agrees that what happened needs to be discussed and dissected until it loses its power.
This is as terrifying for your husband as it is necessary. And it's hard for us to recognize that behind that stubborn refusal to deal with it openly is shame and guilt so profound that they fear it'll swallow them whole. It would be so much EASIER they believe, to just never speak of it again and simply pick up where you left off. Except that it isn't easier, nor is it healthy.
Ignoring cancer doesn't make it go away though we wish it would. We have to look the demon in the eye and fight it with everything we've got. Which means understanding where it came from, where it might appear again...and be ready for it.
You two need to get on the same team on this. He owes you more than simply a promise that it'll never happen again. You have been traumatized, not only by his affairs but dealing with illness alone when you needed him. He needs to recognize the depth of your pain...and you need to recognize the depth of his. You're both dealing with it...and your marriage would be so much better served if you dealt with it together. Thirty-six years is worth fighting for.
Elle
I just found out that my husband of 10yrs (who starting working out of town recently) has signed up for two "sex hook up with locals" website. I left him and am filing for divorce. I wonder how long he has been doing this? Yes, I love him and will miss the hell out of the bastard, but I am worth so much more. It's going to be hard to start over once I get thru the healing process.
ReplyDeleteMy husband just admitted to me TODAY that he has cheated on me on 3 separate occasions in the past. He broke down in tears and spelt his guts. Of course I was in shock and held back tears as long as I could. We have been on a rocky road for a while and although I haven't been showing much affection I never thought he would cheat. I trusted him completely. It will be 4 years this August that we have been married but we've been together for 9 years. I want to talk to someone but I am thinking carefully about the one person I can spill my guts to. I have two best friends and one who happens to live far away, who I may tell. I love him and I know he loves me I'm just confused and upset on how he could do it. I don't want to tell family because if we work through it everyone else may not be as forgiving as I may be. I'm 29 and he is 32.
ReplyDeleteI found a screen shot of my husband sexting with a woman. I made him provide passwords to facebook and e-mail accounts, he was linked to several dating and hook up sites. I made him call our pastor and we are in counseling. In addition he will be getting some help as this he is addicted to this behavior. He is not allowed access to a computer. I have no one to tell. Everyone I know would blab. This is very difficult.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
DeleteI'm sorry you need to be here...but glad you found us.
It's a horrible thing to discover...and harder still when you feel you have to keep his secret. Is there no-one in your life you can trust? A mom/sister/friend? We're here, of course. And we do know what you're going through. But I think a real-life person is important -- even a counsellor can offer up compassion and strength when you lack both.
I'm glad you're both in counselling. That can go a long way toward helping you understand that your husband's behaviour had nothing to do with you. The problem is his.
There's plenty to read here that might help you in your healing. And of course, feel free to post with questions or your thoughts.
Elle
I just found out that my wife of almost 11 years has been cheating with two different coworkers of hers, one female, one male. I also discovered dozens of late night texts to a couple of numbers belonging to other men. This is the third time she's cheated on me and been found out, though I am now certain there have been even more incidents. I told her to move out of our home immediately. We have an 11 year old daughter who knows nothing yet, but who we will need to tell soon that her parents are breaking up. I am very confused. I'm incredibly angry at my wife, and simultaneously feel horribly guilty. I have never cheated on her, I've stuck by her through mental illness, the aforementioned cheating (during which she also caught herpes), huge amounts of credit card debt she ran up, and a horrible amount of manipulative and selfish behavior. Since telling her to leave, I have heard from no one on her side of the family, and am busy keeping my daughter occupied. My family all live in another country, so I feel like I have no one to turn to at this point for support. Weirdly, what I'm fretting over most right now is how to tell my mother. She knows nothing about the previous events in our marriage, and lives in the UK (I am in Texas). Do I call her? Email? I have no idea. I really don't want to talk about it, but feel like the least I should do is let my mother know. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That's a LOT to handle. For what it's worth, I think you have little choice but to remove your wife from you life until she can treat you (and yourself) respectfully and responsibly. And though your daughter will be confused and hurt, the more you can assure her that she's loved (even by those whose love doesn't seem to measure up) the better she'll do. As my own mother said, people love us the best they can, but sometimes their best isn't so good because they're having trouble loving themselves.
DeleteI would think you'll also need some help processing what you've endured through all this. If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll find one. You need to talk about this in order to ensure you don't drag the baggage of it along with you.
Re. how to tell your mom: How do you usually communicate with her? I think whatever form that is (phone, e-mail) could work. The thing with written communication though, is that it can sometimes sound terse when it's not. So perhaps a short phone call with a "wanted you to know that I'm fine but..." might be the way to go. It would be wonderful too if your mom could provide emotional support for your daughter. I was a kid with a mom with mental illness and the general belief is that if we were better kids (better behaved, smarter, prettier, whatever), our mothers would be able to love us better. So anything you can do to make sure she realizes this is her mom's problem and that it likely existed long before your daughter was born, the better. Still hard...
Elle
My husband of 16 years has cheated on me several times throughout our marriage. We have been separated for 2 months because of an affair that I recently busted him through emails he had expressing his love with a coworker. I confronted him before I found the emails, but he did deny it. The last affair lasted over a year,and I stayed with him,we have been rebuilding for two years after, because we have 4 children,and we do love eachother. I am 38 and he is 40 . He doesn't want me to file for divorce,but he hasn't worked hard to show me that he wants me to stay. I didn't tell his Mom about the devistating affair before,but I want to lay it all out so that it will not cause problems between the relationship we have,and with her and my children, when I divorce him. He would lie to her to save face. I have not talked to her much since the last affair, because my Husband asked me not to tell her. He acts like he is such a Man of God to his family. His Sister knew about the last affair. I'm tired of supporting the lies that he portray. I don't want me telling her to backfire.What should I do?
ReplyDeleteYou say you're tired of supporting his lies? Then why are you? My guess is that, somewhere in your 16 year marriage, you learned that supporting his lies was easier (less exhausting, perhaps?) than calling him on them. But by allowing him to dictate your integrity, you've betrayed yourself, which is far worse than being betrayed by someone else.
DeleteIt sounds as if you're better off without this guy, something you seem to have figured out. Get clear with yourself on what you refuse to lie about any longer. Not lying doesn't have to mean telling everybody everything. It simply means that you will no longer pretend to be one thing, while actively being another.
Expect pushback. People will challenge this new you because they're accustomed to you doing what they want you to do and supporting their pretend lives. People won't always want to hear the truth -- there's that whole "kill the messenger" thing. But don't back down. Expect their anger, their whining, their threats. Stand firm. As long as you're not intentionally hurting anyone -- but rather refusing to stand in the way of the consequences they've created as a result of their own behaviour -- then you have nothing to be uncomfortable about.
As for his sister and his mother, you can't control how they respond to news that their brother/son is a cheater. So don't bother trying. He created the situation when he chose to cheat. They might blame you (might be more comfortable to them than blaming him) but no matter. You know what happened. Don't get sucked into their confusing drama. Same with your kids. They don't need to know the whole story…it can be too much for them (depending on age) to understand. That's not lying, it's protecting them and giving them permission to love their imperfect father.
This won't "backfire" if you're honest and respectful. Doesn't mean people won't get mad at you. Doesn't mean they won't try and twist things. But as long as you don't betray yourself, you'll be fine. Drama will burn itself out.
Elle
Thank you Elle,
ReplyDeleteYour wise advice was very helpful and encouraging. I have made a decision to love and honor myself, and everything has changed in my life. Its not easy but I am taking one day at a time!
Victorious,
DeleteThat's great. It's amazing how simple life can be when we treat ourselves with respect…and insist upon the same from others.
Elle
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI found out that my partner cheated on me about 2 months ago and I was so hurt and angry that I posted it on Facebook and told most of my friends what he did. they have been very supportive of me but are also giving me advise and telling me what they think I should do. now that the dust has settled a bit I think that I want to work on the relationship but I have realised now that I have made it so much harder for myself by telling so many people. any advice on how to deal or cope with this??
I'm so sorry. I just saw this post.
DeleteI suspect you've probably answered your own question. All you can do, going forward, is live honestly in your own decision. You could tell people that you've had time to consider what's next and hope that they can support you in your decision. It's not helpful to you to have people cut you off because of your husband's cheating. However, plenty of people have a really hard time with this.
In any case, I hope you've found support in your life and that your recovery is going well.
Elle
It is hard once you put it out there to take it back, I have decided to get counselling as my husband also cheated 2 years ago and a child came out of this we went through hard times and i chose to stay . But recently i see and feel the same things coming bac and when i ask he gives me attitude i.e i saw a message on his phone from another girl saying she is waiting for him and she can not trust him ??? I love my self and want to treat myself as a priority how do i stop feeling the love i feel for him though ???
ReplyDeletedecision still not made on how to proceed
Anon,
DeleteYou can't "stop feeling the love" for him but you can nonetheless draw very clear lines around what you will and will NOT tolerate, such as a relationship with another woman that might prompt such a message. There's clearly something happening that shouldn't be happening and, as his wife, you have a right to know what it is.
If your husband learned anything from what you went through, it's that there are many ways to deal with issues in life and in a marriage. Cheating is not one of them.
Tell him clearly and firmly that you need access to all his communication devices and an explanation for the message. You can then determine what you want to do about it. Take the time to get clear on what's next for you. But don't use your "love" for him as an excuse to disrespect yourself.
Elle
I'm sad to join this "club" so to speak. Newly married and just found out he visited one of those massage parlors and had a ...well you know. I have a daughter who is very attached to him but for me it's over. I never thought he would do this. Makes you wonder why men like this get married to begin with. Telling my daughter that we are divorcing will be the hardest telling my parents just as hard...
ReplyDeleteI'm sad to join this club today too :(
ReplyDeleteMy fiance and I have been together 7 years and have a 5 year old daughter. Just found out last night that within the last 2 months he's sent 175 emails with dick pics to girls with craigslist ads. He also has Facebook message with 2 girls that he actually knows (and I know one of them, she's married and a friend of a friend) I confronted him, he admitted to everything and is taking responsibility. He has been adamant that he has not met up with a single one of them and has not slept with anyone since we've been together. How does he expect me to trust him?! He is saying he loves me more than anything, will do anything to make it work, wants to go to counselling. I am just so disgusted and I feel like I don't even know who he is. I so badly want to tell someone, especially my mom, but I know everyone is just going to tell me to leave him. If I do decide to work things out with him, I don't want everyone to hate him for what he's done to me. I feel like I just need someone to talk to. I don't even know if I want to work things out, I told him straight up, if we did not have our daughter, I would be out the door without a second thought. I know I can't stay just for our daughter, but I so badly want to keep our family together :(
Emily,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through.
He can't expect you to trust him. That comes only with time, transparency and a commitment to ALWAYS being/doing what he says he is. Even little white lies can destroy slowly rebuilt trust.
Since he's saying he'll do anything, then start asking for what you need. At the least he should be in counselling to figure out what the hell he was thinking -- why he was willing to risk his marriage and family.
And I know how lonely it can feel. I did tell my mother -- and she was enormously compassionate. She understood addiction. My father too -- told my husband that everyone is entitled to screw up once. But only an idiot does it again. Their compassion meant a lot to my husband and, I suspect, helped him stay "clean". So consider whether your mother can support you in this...or if you'll simply end up having to defend your choice. You need support, not antagonism.
I would also urge you to get support for yourself in the form of therapy. Betrayal is devastating and triggers all sorts of emotions that we can use help processing. It might also give you a deeper understanding of his behaviour and how it had nothing to do with you.
Elle
Elle, Thank you so much for replying, it means so much to know I'm not alone. Yes, I am going to see a therapist by myself first before I consider going with him. I asked him to find somewhere else to stay while I process all of this information. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone for now. A few years ago he moved out for a month because he was not happy and my family hated him and took a long time to forgive him. I don't need that added stress of that on top of what I already have.
DeleteHopefully therapy will help me figure out everything running through my head, hoping I can make an appointment and get in soon.
Now my other dilemma is if I should tell the husband of the woman he was messaging. I think he has a right to know what his wife is doing.. But is it my business? I would want to know if I was in his situation
Thanks again!!
My fiance and I have been together almost 3 years. He had an affair a year ago that lasted for months. It was the woman (his coworker) who ended up telling me. He had told her that he told me months ago (he did not) but she had to "clear her conscious"... It was the most humiliating moment for me, to comfort her and not know why she was so upset. She told me it lasted 7 months, every time I was out of town. She said it happened in our bed, she slept in my spot. She said there were pregnancy scares and STD scares. She showed me texts from him from just the last few weeks of him saying "love you" and "xoxo" and being extremely flirty. When I confronted him, he owned up to it, but scaled it back drastically, saying it was not as often as I thought. He said there was a lot missing from the text messages (she sent me the screenshots) and she had me seeing only what she wanted me to see. This is the hardest time of my life, I cry every day and if I don't keep myself distracted all I do it picture it in my head. I love him and hate him at the same time. I cannot believe he would do this to me. We are suppose to get married next year, but I have no idea what to do. We are going to start going to counseling, so I'm hopeful that that will help. I told our two mutual friends, but I feel so alone. I just know that whatever decision I make has to be after I've tried everything I could. I have to know that I fought for us, no matter how angry, hurt, and heartbroken I am.
ReplyDeletewhat would you do if you realized your husband cheated you with your own sister and then sister in law and ... . And he keeps telling you he loves you and begs to stay in the marriage and does everything to prove,.... . Would you leave your family members, the whole family is effected, or would you leave your husband,.... I am angry, frustrated, and don't know what to do, who to trust, and ....
ReplyDeleteOmg I am in a similar situation. He cheated with my two sisters. It's now 2 1/2 years later. I have no contact with my entire family and am divorcing him. It's been a ride from hell but I know I will be ok. Feel free to email me chumpqueennj@gmail.com
DeleteTwo Unknowns,
DeleteI'm sorry I missed the first post. What would I do? He cheated with your sister and sister-in-law? Wow. That's some betrayal.
I can't imagine the agony of feeling betrayed by your entire family. I suspect there are some deep family issues at play here. I hope, in the time since you wrote this, that you've sought support to help you through this. I don't know that this is an either/or situation. None of them are worthy of your trust at this point. People need to earn a place in your life -- and they earn it by treating you with respect and honesty and kindness. But it starts with YOU treating yourself with respect and honesty and kindness. At this point, I would be inclined to hold everyone at bay until you can get clear on whose promises of remorse are genuine, if any. Give yourself time to sort through this and figure out what's in your best interest going forward. But start by finding a counsellor who can help you navigate the pain and confusion.
And to unknown #2: Yes, you will be okay. Sounds like you're washing your hands of the whole lot of them. I hope you move forward with clear eyes and an open heart.
I'm in a nearly 30 year marriage with 2 adult kids. My narcissistic cheating ex-military aggressive, control freak, verbally abusive, closeted gay/bisexual husband has indirectly (because of our state Divorce laws)revealed a 10 year affair with a boy toy, who's only a few year older than our oldest kid. He been to my home twice,that I know of. My spouse is trying to force me into an unfair settlement to divorce settlement. I'm under educated and without a job and I now have health problems.I can't afford a divorce lawyer, on my own. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteI feel I have to tell my close family friends because they're all telling me to stay. As soon as I tell them why I want a divorce, they immediately back off. I don't want their opinions on what I intend to do but if they feel that I should heed their advice, they should at least know the whole story.
ReplyDeleteFive years ago my husband confessed that he had cheated on me. I was devastated and shocked. All through our marriage he has told me how much he loved me and he would tell me that he couldn't understand how a man could cheat on his wife and not even think twice about. He was a police officer (retired now) and many of his co-workers had cheated. I was so shocked at this news, I couldn't even cry. This woman is 15 years younger than him and she was a PSW to his ailing mother. My husband had to stay with his mother all night once a week (his day was a friday night), as did the rest of his siblings to help take care of her. This is when he cheated. While I was at home in our bed believing that he was taking care of his mother. He told me that nothing happened, that he "couldn't get it up" so they just kissed. For five years I made myself believe that this was true and even told my husband that it was easier for me to deal with his unfaithfulness knowing that nothing actually happened. Then just four months ago, I told him that I did not believe that nothing had happened. Then he confessed the truth. He told me that she was sexting him, that she seduced him and he did have sex with her and he let her give him a blow job. I am devasted. I feel like my best friend has died and I am grieving. We have four grown children and I have not told them anything. Our second oldest son's relationship has collapsed earlier this year because his spouse cheat on him. He held it in for almost a year a finally he confided in me. He told me "Mom, I can't deal with it. I tried and that is why I didn't say anything." I wanted so badly to put my arms around him and tell him that I understand. I wanted to share my thoughts and feeling with him. But I couldn't. I'm not sure I want our kids to know what their father has done. They all adore him and I'm not sure they would ever forgive him if they knew. I love my husband and I want to make our marriage work. I have only told my sister-in-law. I thought I could handle it by talking about it with my husband. But I realize now that I can't talk to him either. He gets angry at me. I know that he sincerely regrets the stupid choice he made and that he would take it back if he could. But that's just it, he can't take it back and it hurts my heart so much that he destroyed my trust. I loved him with all my heart and I felt safe with him. And I just can't understand how he could just throw that all away over lust. But now I question everything and I will yell and scream at him. He tells me that he does not want to end our marriage but when I have a bad day and my frustration with him spills out, he tells me that maybe it's not worth it.We have been married for 32 yrs. So I know that I have to keep my feelings inside and not even let him see that really I am dying inside. I hate feeling this way and sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be the same again. I want to....so badly. I used to trust him completely, and never worried. How could I have been so stupid to believe in the fairy tale.
ReplyDeleteHi guys,
ReplyDeletei just discovered that my husband was cheating with his high school girlfriend. We have been together for 13 years. He is 32 and i am 29. we have a 11 years old daughter. The skunk lives in another country, she is married and have y years old girl. Honestly i don't know what to do. I want to leave him, he says he is very sorry it was jusf texting. But,when i read those text he told her that he loves her and he was going to travel on april to see her. I was going to travel with him, but i would have stayed with my family while he visits "his family". Honestly i can not trust him when he says he loves me and that he would do anything to win back my trust. But i feel like i am dying, I trusted him with all my heart. I hate him for destroying our family. We are about to buy a house and now i don't know if I should buy a house with. I don't know if i would be able to forgive him because he betrayed me with his first love. Maybe he really loves her. I am so confused. Help me Please
Anonymous,
DeleteI would advise you not to make any big decisions right now, whether about your house or about your marriage. Your husband made a huge mistake and, if you're willing to wait, he might show you that he regrets it and will do the hard work of figuring out why he risked his family for this person who might mean nothing to him other than old memories. Or he might show you that he's a dirtbag. Either way, if you're unsure, you don't need to decide right now what happens next. Give yourself time to absorb this. Set some ground rules (such as counselling for both of you and absolutely NO Contact with this old girlfriend). Expect full accountability from him -- this is on him, not you. You did nothing to make him cheat. And yes, intimate texts are cheating. Pretty much anything you're doing that you wouldn't be doing with the wife right beside you is cheating. Good rule to remember.
I am devastated. I accidentally got over online chat where my husband of 4 years(been together 15 years with 2 year break in that time) exchanged intimate words with another woman. We bought a house a few months ago and just had our third baby 2 months ago, about the same time this chat relationship of his has lasted. I have been so happy and everything was going so well for the first time in a long time. Now I am so broken, it feels as if someone died and I just cry and feel so disgusted at him. He doesn't? think it is as serious as I imply. I contacted a supporting friend and told my parents who were shocked but say they'll support whatever the outcome will be. I'm tempted to tell his mother who I have a pretty good relationship with especially cause he really wants to keep this as discrete as possible for his reputations sake and this tells me he is not taking responsibility for what he did. We have been in and out of counseling before but I feel he is unwilling to do any work on his own. With 3 kids I really don't want a divorce but who is this guy I married and how can he love me and do this to me? I can't see how I can move past this!
ReplyDeleteA
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. We, on this site, completely understand the depth of your pain. Betrayal is betrayal. Your husband's attempts to minimize what he did are out of line. He betrayed your trust by sharing intimacy with another person outside your marriage. It's that simple.
And another simple thing: His betrayal is not about you. This is on him. It's about his inability to manage his own feelings -- loneliness, anxiety, whatever it is. He's distracting himself with something new and shiny rather than deal with his own issues.
And that's where I would start with this. As best you can, lay it down straight for him: He needs to address whatever it is that allowed him to betray you in this way. He needs to figure out what he's seeking outside his marriage and why he would risk his family in this way. Until he gets clear on that, you're not going to get anywhere.
As for telling people, I would ask you to consider why you're telling them. If it's to punish or embarrass him, it might backfire. I suspect shame or guilt is already part of his problem.
But he doesn't get to determine who you tell. And I suspect you're right that he's trying to keep it under wraps as a way to minimize it. But, again, weigh the pros and cons of telling people who might not respond the way you'd like.
There are many many women on this site who have rebuilt their marriages after betrayal, including me. But it takes a partner willing to completely own what he's done and do the hard work of supporting you as you heal from the pain.
Thank you Elle for responding so quickly and for the good and much needed advice. About telling others, I just want him to acknowledge what he did and take responsibility for it and maybe get advice and opinion from another person and I guess I feel the need to pressure him since he's more of a waiting kinda guy! It's been 3 days since I found out and my anxiety level is escalating so I can't breath sometimes. It's also hard to keep the mask in front of the kids. I'm trying to think that one day it will get better with or without him. I'm not sure if I can or want to be with him anymore, only time can tell.
DeleteJust found out that my husband has cheated on me with my sister. They are both denying it and telling me I am deluded. I am shocked as I thought I had an amazing marriage and wonderful sister. I ignored the obvious signs. Confronted both yesterday and they are avoiding me today. She has a partner and kids and I do not want to hurt my nephews by letting them know what's happened. I Feel very alone
ReplyDeleteI know you feel alone but please know there are, literally, millions of us who know just what you're going through. The shock, the devastation, the confusion, the fear, the pain. There is an army here that will support you and guide you through.
DeleteBut let's start with one thing: Whether or not your nephews find out what's going on, YOU are not the one hurting them. It is not your responsibility to protect your husband and your sister (or anyone around them) from their actions. THEY are the ones who brought this on. YOU get to respond in the way that's healthiest for you and that's the only thing you need to consider. I absolutely understand your desire to not hurt children that you love. And I suspect you won't intentionally hurt them. But, like you, they might just end up collateral damage. Affairs devastate families. Even when the kids don't find out exactly what's happened, they're affected. There's no way they're not, even if it's just because one of their parents is falling to pieces.
But that's not on you. You didn't create this and you can't fix this. You can only do what's necessary to keep yourself safe and to begin healing.
We've been married for about 8 years now and we have 1 kid. In 2011 we decided that he would stop working and proceed maritime engineering. He graduated in 2014 and had an apprenticeship in 2015 without compensation. I shouldered all of his education expenses and even the need of our family. While he was studying I found 1 sim card where he recorded the number of his ex. We quarreled but later forget all that happened and move on. This month I discovered that he created a new facebook account so i likewise create a new one and sending some messages to him pretending that I was his ex girlfriend. There he responded using another account therefore discovered that he has other fb account aside from the 1 I discovered new. while chatting he really believe that I was his ex and telling how he miss her and even ask that they shall met. I really felt hurt and broken. Im very confused. Do I have to tell the parents of my husband?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteYou get to decide who you tell but I would encourage to examine your motives about why and whom you tell. If you're telling people because you need their support, then I think it's wise. But if you're telling people to gain allies or to shame your husband, I think it can backfire.
Of course, you feel hurt and broken. And of course, you feel confused. Are you able to talk to your husband about what he's done and see if he can explain why? It often has nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with one partner's fears, self-loathing, disappointment, etc. An affair is a distraction from those feelings. It's a way of feeling like we're exciting, we're desired. But only he can tell you what this betrayal meant to him and you can then determine if your marriage is worth fighting for.
We are on the confrontation stage which is always the style from previous discovery by repeatedly denying everything. and he would do the side by saying that I am angry because he is a useless husband who is still dependent to me until now. Actually he has still no work until now and I still continue supporting his financial needs while he is still looking for a job.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 8 days since he told me. He was forced to tell me out of fear of public exposure from an angry and threatening husband (his outrage was justified but the threats were creepy) of the woman he was cheating on me with. The affair was on and off sexually for almost 14 months but they are colleagues (living & working remotely) and always had a reason to talk/email/text and hook the other back in even if their sex was limited to business travel. His thought was that he didn't want to tell me until it had been over for at least a couple of months...To perhaps weaken the thrust of the knife sinking into my heart. I've told one good friend who I knew would be life-saving support. She and her husband are close friends and I knew she (they) would be compassionate and not hate him. I'm going to wait until our couples therapy starts in a few days to navigate the rest of it. I have some very, very close friends and I can't imagine going through life keeping this massive, crushing experience a secret. A part of me wishes the husband had blown the thing sky high so the "heros" (my husband and this woman & other colleagues do rather amazing, bettering-the-world work), would feel the full weight of their brutally selfish choices. Am I protecting him for the "cause"? Why? I'm part of this rights movement as well in my own capacity - they are part of a small but highly respected organization doing powerful work. Anyway, it feels degrading to protect their shining images. I'm shattered...Still in shock...The 8 day memory of him telling me is like PTSD. But it's because I'm living in a tilted world that I'm going to wait before talking to more friends. He's also talked to his best male friend who is a great and grounded guy. My husband has been acting deeply remorseful and says he's so repulsed by his actions. When he was deleting all travel photos in any way related to their business trips together, he said looking at her face was so sicking & disgusting to him. I don't think he's lying about that in this early, raw stage. He seems like a person who has snapped out of a spell - a vile, reckless, monstous spell. As much as I can't trust him and don't feel safe, I'm not sure I've ever felt this close to him. He's answering every question I have, no matter how many time I have to ask for the details. We're being quite tender with each other which makes me want to honor my vow to go to therapy if ever our marriage was in trouble - and not go doing anything I'll regret later. I have to hold onto as much integrity as I can since they were completely lacking in it. I'm devastated and so scared to be vulnerable again to this man I trusted to always have my back. I knew something was weird and wrong...I even asked him if he was having an affair a number of time in the past year. That he kept lying even though he knew I have a powerful inuition, and that he might not have ever told me and just tried to make it all better without giving me my power of truth back is what might be unforgivable. I really love him and I know he really loves me. I hope we make it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteWe all know exactly where you are. The shock, the confusion, the fear, the deep deep hurt. As best you can, continue to allow the tenderness to keep your heart soft. Continue, as best you can, to lean on the support available to you right now. And, as best you can, put "tomorrow" on hold and focus on you, right now, today. Whether or not you make it is a choice for another day. Just rest and let your body digest the shock of this. Feel your feelings without being compelled to act on them right now. It can take months before you really feel clear on what's next for you. And that's okay. NOT taking action one way or the other right now is perfectly okay, even advisable.
And hang in there, Anonymous. You'll get through this. Keep reading here, share your thoughts and experience, and gather the support and compassion of these strong wise women who know exactly what you're going through.
I thought I had landed after being pushed off the cliff...Crashing down in a terrible place but landed. Now I feel like I'm falling falling again and there is no bottom. It's an effort to write even this but I want to thank you so much for this space.
ReplyDeleteI had many months of falling/landing/falling/landing. If you can remind yourself that YOU are solid, that you are going to be okay, that you will hit solid ground and that you will survive this, it might become less terrifying. It's part of the process of healing.
DeleteAnd I'm glad you found us. If you comment on some of the newer posts, there's a lot more activity and others will inevitably respond with their own stories, their support, their compassion. We know what you're going through and that, in itself, can provide comfort. You are not alone.
I have been in this relationship for 6yrs. I feel he loves me and I still love him, which makes my decision even harder. There have been 3 incidents in the past 3yrs. The first time was in 2015 when I found multiple chats with other women in facebook and other sites and he started the conversations most of the times. There were pictures involved as well, but in that site it only lasts 24hra so I could not see the pics. I confronted him about it. He apologized, cried and promised it won't happen again. A year later, in 2016, I found a text message with a picture of a woman's privates. There was no words or replies from him just the pic. Once again he apologized and cried. Promised me he hasn't been involved in chats or communications since the last incident. I forgave him and kept going forward with our relationship. However, my gut feeling could not let me trust him completely.
ReplyDeleteNow we get to incident #3 which I just found out about last week, but happened 2 weeks ago. This time I found a pic of his privates in his wastapp folder. I confronted him and told him the only way that pic ended up there is if he sent it to someone. He finally confessed, after trying to make excuses and convince me that he didn't send anyhting. This time is a bit different from the others to me as he sent this pic to a woman he knows from the gym he goes to. He says it was a stupid dare. Swears that he has not physically cheated on me during the 6yrs we have been together. At this point, I am very hurt and confused. Feel betrayed and part of me does not trust him. I also feel upset at myself because part of me has forgiven him already and the other part wants me to leave him because I deserve better. However, i still love him and feel he loves me.
We do not have children, but are engaged to be married next year. Part of me wants to leave him and runaway to another state to start over and continue furthering my career. The other part still holds on to what we have together and is willing to pause my career advancement/grad studies to focus on expanding our family. I know I would tell someone in my situation to leave him and continue furthering my career, but somehow cannot bring myself to do what I would preach because I love him and feel he loves me back. Yet, I do not believe him 100% when he says there has not been any physical cheating. If therw hasn't, I am afraid there might be in the future as things seem to be scalating. I really don't know what to do. Please help me!
Anonymous,
DeleteYes, there are plenty who would tell you to cut and run. And I certainly don't think that's a bad idea. But it has to be what you want. And it sounds as if you don't want to leave. That there's something good about this man that you're willing to give him a chance.
You've given him three chances, of course. And he's squandered each of them. Which tells me he has a problem. I don't think he's just someone who doesn't care that he's hurting you. I think, from what you've described, he's someone who, for whatever reason, can't stop. Part of why he can't is that the stakes aren't high enough yet. He hasn't lost you. You've given him a second and then a third chance. But the other part is that he's using this behaviour as a way to manage uncomfortable emotions, or to court danger, or for any other reason that he needs to sort through with a professional.
If you want to give him the chance to be better, then here's what I'd do: I would insist that he seek professional help, either on his own or with you in couples counselling, or, ideally, both. And I would insist on having total access to all his electronics, passwords, etc. He can always use a different account, etc. but this is a way of at least deterring.
And then I would focus on what you need moving forward. Don't give up work advancement/grad school/whatever. Keep focussed on you while he does the work of sorting himself out. I wouldn't consider having children at this point; not until you feel as though your relationship has a solid foundation beneath it and until you've unearthed all secrets.
He might never physically cheat or he might. There's no way to predict. But what you know right now is that he is lying and betraying your trust. That's enough to insist that he seek help before you consider marrying him.
Thank you Elle for your advice. I feel as if I am in a time crunch given that we have the wedding date, caterer, church and other vendors confirmed already for 2018. I will look into the professional help asap, together and separately. He agreed to speak to a family member together, so we will see how it goes. Thank you once again for your help.
DeletePlease don't rush ur relationship. Wait until the happy hormones dissipate before you walk down the aisle or get that piece of paper signed in the court room. Speaking from experience, I was in love but I doubted my future husband's words. He leaned on my feelings and professions of love and caring for him. I don't believe I settled; the truth and consequences surfaced so few years later he became totally emotionally scarce.Realising that he shifted emotion too quick to some other girl somewhere was really drastic,thanks to a cyber genius 'hackingloop6@ gmail . c om'' also on WhatsApp + 1 484 540 - 0785'' whom hacked his phone and gained me remote access to his phone activities,and exposed his cheating ass.he couldn't deny my proof and also wanna turn things around.
ReplyDeleteI'm so thankful for this space.
ReplyDeleteI know much of these posts are a decade old but this feels like the only place I can just safely tell someone and maybe get some advice or support.
I am 8 months pregnant with my 6th beautiful baby and just found our my husband has been having sex and texting with another women as well as sexting multiple others. He blames a relapse of alcoholism for this happening.and is begging me not to leave. But this isn't the first time and everything he says just makes me feel worse. I've heard.it all before. He was making ISO hook up/sex posts on craigslist 4 years ago when I was pregnant with our daughter and in between that pregnancy and our next child. When I found out he swore he never physically cheated and I accepted that I think because it was too painful to think that he had done more . He blamed alcohol that time as well. I made him tell his parents because I wanted their help in getting him.to be accountable and sober. He attended a few meetings and seem to be a changed man for almost 3 years. There was nothing lacking for us, beautiful kids, wonderful sex life, laughing like best friends and taking trips , planning our next home.. this hit me out of nowhere. He had started casually drinking again "on special occasions"" earlier this year but we had very open communication about it and talked about the risk of relapse and how to support each other if he couldn't handle having "a drink" . He seemed to be totally ok but as months went by it became obvious to me he was starting to push the limits of occasional drinking and I tried to encourage him to be careful, asked if he needed support and everything but he denied it was becoming an issue. Long story short I started digging deeper to find out if he was drinking at or immediately after work and discovered he was cheating on me instead. They messaged throughout day and night and she knew about me and our family. She is married too with kids. I'm having a hard time believing he was drunk enough at 9:30 in the morning to lose his conscience and be able to message her and I simultaneously. My heart tells me I should leave but I can imagine having to put my kids through that and not to mention I'm about to deliver a baby, could I really do that alone? I'm so overwhelmed. He told me he doesn't know why he did it and that he's so sorry and he'll do anything to save our family. It just feels like empty words and old news this time. Can someone truly love you and repeat this kind of behavior? Is it possible to recover from this intense betrayal? Thank you if you read this far. I'm sorry there's probably a million typos and rambling, I'm just to exhausted to even re read what I have written .
My husband cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant. Well rather the other girl tricked him to get pregnant as she promised him to take the pill when in fact she stopped months ago.
ReplyDeleteWe were engaged for rouhhly 3 years and have been married for 1 and a half. During the years we were engaged and half of our first year of marriage we had to do long distance due to my work and all the travelling i had to do. So i was not as present as i should have been, i admit. But during that time he met this girl and was hooking up with her on and off during all these years. They ended up being very close as she was staying at our house and they would share deep talks about different matters, discuss each others families and issues. In other words they were living as a couple. He claims he told her from the start about me and that he doesnt want anything serious, just a time pass. They ended things when i left my job to stay with him and start our new life together, but she ended up pregnant and told him. I ended up I finding out through her family, as they didnt approve of their relationship and wanted them to leave it. I was devastated, my whole world just crushed. The man that I loved, the man that I thought was my person, the man that felt like home betrayed me. When I confronted him he denied it at first but admitted it and was very very remorseful. He promised me that he would be honest with me from now on no matter how hard things get. He reassured me that she will get an abortion as her family dont want the lregnancy to go through either. I was heartbroken bit didn't want to give up on our relationship as crazy as it sounds. I told him I would stay and not share it with anyone as long as the bay is not in the picture. If she does not abort and they do end up having a child together I would have to share this with my parents and can't promise what I would do. He reassured me again and again that they will not keep the baby and that he would tell me everything from now on.
Fast forward a few months, she turns up and claims that I deserve to know the truth. She says that they have 2 kids together, twins. And that they were born premature due to health issues.
I just didn't know what to do, he said to me he would be honest and cried like a baby in front of me last time, begging me to give him another chance, he swore in his mother that he would be honest with me. He saw me dying from the pain he caused me, and promised me he would be honest but all that didn't mean nothing. He did it again. He lied to cover his ass.
He now claims that he kept the truth from me as I threatened him to leave if the baby was born. And he didn't want that. He says he was trying to deal with the situation without involving me as that would be more painful for me. I feel as if he cheated on me again. All that pain is back. He is saying the same words he said last time, making all the same promises, saying he will be honest and that he will not let the fear of loosing me take over. He will tell me the truth.
I don't know what to do, I know they haven't seen each other for months and that he left her for good. But I feel like now she will never leave us alone, now that there are kids involved, she will always be in our life's one way or another as she wants him to be responsible for the kids if something was to happen to her with all the very serious health issues she has, and if he doesn't, she and her family have threaten him to take legal action against him.
Part 1. My husband cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant. Well rather the other girl tricked him to get pregnant as she promised him to take the pill when in fact she stopped months ago.
ReplyDeleteWe were engaged for rouhhly 3 years and have been married for 1 and a half. During the years we were engaged and half of our first year of marriage we had to do long distance due to my work and all the travelling i had to do. So i was not as present as i should have been, i admit. But during that time he met this girl and was hooking up with her on and off during all these years. They ended up being very close as she was staying at our house and they would share deep talks about different matters, discuss each others families and issues. In other words they were living as a couple. He claims he told her from the start about me and that he doesnt want anything serious, just a time pass. They ended things when i left my job to stay with him and start our new life together, but she ended up pregnant and told him. I ended up I finding out through her family, as they didnt approve of their relationship and wanted them to leave it. I was devastated, my whole world just crushed. The man that I loved, the man that I thought was my person, the man that felt like home betrayed me. When I confronted him he denied it at first but admitted it and was very very remorseful. He promised me that he would be honest with me from now on no matter how hard things get. He reassured me that she will get an abortion as her family dont want the lregnancy to go through either. I was heartbroken bit didn't want to give up on our relationship as crazy as it sounds. I told him I would stay and not share it with anyone as long as the bay is not in the picture. If she does not abort and they do end up having a child together I would have to share this with my parents and can't promise what I would do. He reassured me again and again that they will not keep the baby and that he would tell me everything from now on.
Fast forward a few months, she turns up and claims that I deserve to know the truth. She says that they have 2 kids together, twins. And that they were born premature due to health issues.
I just didn't know what to do, he said to me he would be honest and cried like a baby in front of me last time, begging me to give him another chance, he swore in his mother that he would be honest with me. He saw me dying from the pain he caused me, and promised me he would be honest but all that didn't mean nothing. He did it again. He lied to cover his ass.
He now claims that he kept the truth from me as I threatened him to leave if the baby was born. And he didn't want that. He says he was trying to deal with the situation without involving me as that would be more painful for me. I feel as if he cheated on me again. All that pain is back. He is saying the same words he said last time, making all the same promises, saying he will be honest and that he will not let the fear of loosing me take over. He will tell me the truth.
I don't know what to do, I know they haven't seen each other for months and that he left her for good. But I feel like now she will never leave us alone, now that there are kids involved, she will always be in our life's one way or another as she wants him to be responsible for the kids if something was to happen to her with all the very serious health issues she has, and if he doesn't, she and her family have threaten him to take legal action against him. (Continue in the next comment as it wouldn't let me post it for being too long)
Part 2. I love him so much, but, do I really want this? What should I do, there are moments where it's so clear to me that this is too much. I can't do this, but at the same time I feel like I can't live without him. He really was a good husband, always looked after me, told me he loved me everyday, gave me his phone password, gave me everything I want as soon as I mention it. Gave me affection, love. The thought of loosing him just breaks my heart even now. My mind is just so confused. My brain tells me to go and that that is the more reasonable thing to do, but my heart tells me to stay and fight for us. Not give the other women the satisfaction of getting what she wanted, ehich was get me out of the way.
ReplyDeleteI haven't told my family or his family yet. Not even my friends. Because of what all the other ladies in the comments have said, that they will be judgemental and would just advise me to divorce him. And if I do decide to stay they will judge us both. I will be the talk of every gossip session. And that just doesn't help the situation or me.
I am so conflicted, please someone guide me a little bit and tell me what should I do